Extended - Thursday, June 19, 2014

  • 06/19/2014

In this uncensored and extended episode, Will Sasso, Bryan Callen and Chris D'Elia list #RejectedThemeParkRides and perform sensual mid-song spoken-word breakdowns.

>> HARDWICK: RIPPED FROM TODAY'SINTERNET HEADLINES, IT'S RAPID

REFRESH.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)RAPID REFRESH.

HEY, CITIZEN, PLANNING ONTHROWING BACK A FEW BEERS THIS

WEEKEND WHILE PRETENDING TO BEINTERESTED IN WORLD CUP SOCCER?

WELL, IF YOU PRETEND TO CARE SOMUCH THAT YOU CAN'T DRIVE

YOURSELF HOME, CHAUFFEUR APPUBER HAS A UNIQUE SOLUTION FOR

YOU.

WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING SERVICESIS UBER OFFERING THIS WEEKEND?

A) DRIVERS WILL PROVIDE YOUWITH SMELLS FROM EVERY COUNTRY

INVOLVED IN THE WORLD CUP?

PLEASE DON'T BE THAT ONE.

B) DAVID HASSELHOFF WILL PICKYOU UP IN A 1982 TRANS AM?

(CHEERING)OH, MAN, THE HOFF.

>> 1982. THAT WAS BRYAN'S FIRSTCAR. HE WAS 40.

>> NO! THAT'S...

(LAUGHTER)THAT'S AN AGEIST JOKE.

DAMN IT.

>> HARDWICK: C) OPTIMUS PRIMEWILL BE AVAILABLE TO GIVE RIDES

IN TRUCK FORM, NOT AUTOBOT FORM?

(BELL DINGS)CHRIS D'ELIA?

>> HEY, MAN, HE...

>> I SAW C-- OPTIMUS PRIME.

I WANT TO TAKE A RIDE IN THAT.

>> HARDWICK: ROLL OUT ANDTRANSFORM.

THERE HE IS.

(APPLAUSE, CHEERING)THAT'S SO WEIRD.

I ALWAYS FEEL LIKE OPTIMUS PRIMESHOULD SAY SOMETHING LIKE, CLIMB

DEEP INSIDE ME.

I WANT YOU INSIDE ME...

FOR THIS RIDE.

FOR BONUS POINTS, PLEASE REACTAS A DRUNK GIRL SEEING OPTIMUS

PRIME AS YOUR UBER, WILL SASSO.

>> UH... THAT THING SMELLS LIKEPEE FROM HERE.

>> HARDWICK: I'LL GIVE YOUPOINTS. BRYAN CALLEN.

>> THAT THING IS SO BIG, RED ANDHARD.

>> HARDWICK: I'LL GIVE YOU...

I'LL GIVE YOU POINTS FOR THAT.

CHRIS?

>> HEY, YEAH, SURE, YOU LOOKLIKE MORE THAN MEETS THE EYE,

BUT YOU ALSO LOOK LIKE JUSTENOUGH TO FILL MY PUSSY.

>> HARDWICK: OKAY.

SO...

(LAUGHTER, WHOOPS)>> IT'S A GOOD... IT'S A GOOD...

>> HARDWICK: I SINCERELY HOPE HEWOULD TRANSFORM FOR THAT.

OKAY...

>> HEY, BY THE WAY, WE'LL BOTHTRANSFORM FOR THAT.

>> THAT'S A GOOD DRUNK GIRL.

THAT'S 'CAUSE HE IS A DRUNKGIRL.

>> HARDWICK: BE LIKE, OKAY, ROLLOUT, (GAGGING).

>> BY THE WAY, LET ME PLAY WITHYOUR NUTS AND BOLTS.

>> SO DUMB.

(IMITATES GAGGING)(LAUGHTER, WHOOPING)

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, NEXTONE.

>> I BLEW SHIA LABEOUF ONCE.

(LAUGHTER)SO, WHATEVER.

>> HARDWICK: WAIT A MINUTE.

>> I... I BLEW SHIA LABEOUFONCE.

I'M SORRY.

>> OH, GOD, THAT'S WILL'S OTHERCHARACTER.

>> MY VOICE WAS A LITTLE...

>> THAT'S WHEN HE GETS DRUNK ANDBLOWS GUYS.

>> IT FEELS VERY GOOD TO JUSTLET YOU GUYS KNOW THAT I BLEW

SHIA LABEOUF ONCE, THAT'S WHY MYVOICE WAS A LITTLE PEAKED.

I JUST...

>> BY THE WAY, BY THE WAY, BYTHE WAY, IT ALSO FEELS VERY GOOD

FOR SHIA LABEOUF.

SO...

>> HE'S GOT A BIG MOUTH.

>> I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING.

>> HARDWICK: I'LL, UH...

I FEEL LIKE I SHOULD TAKE POINTSAWAY FOR THAT, BUT I'LL GIVE

WILL SASSO 100 POINTS FORBLOWING SHIA LABEOUF.

(CHEERING)NEXT, IN AN EFFORT TO OUT JAPAN

ITSELF, JAPAN HAS CREATED ABONKERS NEW SPORTS IN THEIR

SIGNATURE STYLE.

COMEDIANS, WHICH OF THESE IS ANACTUAL JAPANESE COMPETITION

THAT'S BECOMING A HIT ON YOUTUBE?

A) RELAY RACES IN POOLS OF SEXLUBE?

B) COMPETITIVE YELLING ATSTARFISH AND SEA URCHINS AS IF

THEY WERE LAZY OFFICE EMPLOYEES?

C) SUMO CHICKEN FIGHTS.

IT COULD BE ANY OF THESE REALLY.

(BELL DINGS)YES, CHRIS D'ELIA?

>> IT'S SEX. IT HAS TO BE ABOUTSEX BECAUSE IT'S JAPANESE-- A.

>> HARDWICK: UH, THAT'S USUALLYA GOOD BET.

THE ANSWER IS... A.

(CHEERING)>> HARDWICK: NO ONE CAN SAY THAT

THAT ARENA JUST HAS A DRY PUSSY.

NO ONE CAN SAY THAT.

(LAUGHTER, GROANING)YOU COULD, LIKE, RIGHT OUT OF

THE GATE, JUST FUCK THAT ARENA.

>> THAT'S WHAT IT SAYS, BY THEWAY, DOWN THERE IN JAPANESE

WRITING.

(LAUGHTER)I CAN TRANSLATE.

"EVERYONE'S PUSSY IS WET."

THAT'S WHAT IT SAYS.

>> HARDWICK: EXCEPT FOR THE FACTTHAT THERE'S NOT ONE FEMALE IN

THAT ENTIRE ARENA.

IT'S NOT TIME FOR TONIGHT'SHASHTAG WARS.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)IT'S SUMMER, WHICH MEANS THAT

PEOPLE ALL ACROSS THE WORLD WILLBE FLOCKING TO THEME PARKS TO

RIDE THE NEWEST ROLLER COASTERSAND VOMIT IN THE NEAREST TRASH

CANS, SO TO CELEBRATE, TONIGHT'SHASHTAG IS REJECTED THEME PARK

RIDES.

UH, EXAMPLES MIGHT BE, UH, THEMUSTACHE RIDE, OR... OR TEXTING

WHILE DRIVING.

I'M GONNA PUT 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK, AND GO.

(BELL DINGS)D'ELIA.

>> THE ELEVATOR RIDE WITHSOLANGE.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS. YEAH.

(BELL DINGS)WILL SASSO.

>> UH, IT'S A STALL WORLD, WHICHIS A... WHICH IS JUST A BUNCH OF

GLORY HOLES IN A MEN'S BATHROOM.

>> HARDWICK: OKAY, POINTS.

YEAH, YEAH. POINTS. BRYAN.

>> THE R. KELLY SPLASH MOUNTAIN.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH. SURE.

POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)CHRIS.

>> BRYAN CALLEN'S CAREER.

IT'S A FREEFALL.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

>> THIS... OH...

>> HARDWICK: WAIT A MINUTE.

>> SEE? THEY'RE JUST LIKE THEBLUEFIN TUNA.

>> HARDWICK: WAIT A MINUTE.

I NEED A JUDGE'S RULING ON THAT.

THE JUDGES HAVE CONFIRMED THAT,YES, IT IS, INDEED, A FREEFALL,

SO I'M GONNA GIVE YOU POINTS,CHRIS D'ELIA.

(BELL DINGS)CALLEN.

>> THE ANTAGONIZED SHAMUEXPERIENCE.

(GROANING)OH! KILLER WHALE!

POKE, POKE.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, I LIKEDYOUR SPACE. WORTH POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)UH, WILL. NO, CHRIS, CHRIS.

>> DELIVERING BAD NEWS TO CHRISBROWN.

(BELL DINGS)>> HARDWICK: POINTS. WILL.

>> THE FUCK-A-TRON, LIKE THEGRAVATRON, BUT WITH FUCKING.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH. POINTS.

>> YEAH, YOU GET IT.

DO I GET...?

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, YOU GETPOINTS.

>> YEAH!

>> HARDWICK: BRYAN.

>> UM, THE TUNNEL OF LOVE RIDE,UH, CREEPY UNCLES ONLY.

(GROANING, APPLAUSE)>> HARDWICK: YEAH, THE SMILE

SELLS IT.

NO, STOP IT!

YOU PUT THOSE PUPPY DOG EYESAWAY, BRYAN CALLEN!

>> WHY? IT'S CALLED MILKING THEAUDIENCE.

>> HARDWICK: OW.

(BUZZER SOUNDS)BY MILKING, I MEAN, MILKING

THEM. TOO MUCH?

>> NO THUMB.

>> YEAH, TOO MUCH, MAN!

AND NOW, IT IS TIME TO PLAYSTAIRWAY TO STARDOM.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)>> HEY, STAIRWAY TO STARDOM.

ISN'T THAT WHAT BRYAN FELL DOWN?

(FAKE LAUGHING)>> THAT'S A FAKE LAUGH.

THAT'S A MEAN, FAKE LAUGH.

>> I'M HAVING SO MUCH FUN, ANDI'M BEING FOR REAL WHEN I LAUGH.

HA.

>> HARDWICK: NOW, STAIRWAY TOSTARDOM WAS A NEW YORK PUBLIC

ACCESS SHOW THAT AIRED DURING'70S, '80S AND '90S, AND IT

FEATURED SOME OF THE MOSTUP-AND-COMING ENTERTAINERS OF

THE TIME.

UNFORTUNATELY, NONE OF THOSEPERFORMERS BECAME STARS.

>> BRYAN WAS ON IT.

YOU'RE RIGHT.

>> HARDWICK: WHAT?

>> NO, NO, NO.

BY THE WAY, IT'S AWESOME.

>> HARDWICK: LUCKILY, THE SHOWCREATED A YOUTUBE PAGE WITH ALL

THEIR OLD VIDEOS FOR US TOENJOY.

COMEDIANS, I WILL SHOW YOU ACLIP OF A STAIRWAY TO STARDOM

PERFORMER THAT DID NOT END UPBECOMING A STAR.

FOR 250 POINTS, YOU NEED TO TELLME WHAT THEY ENDED UP BECOMING.

ALL RIGHT? SO, HERE WE GO.

THIS FIRST ONE-- GLORIA HUDDLE.

GLORIA HUDDLE.

>> GIVE ME JESUS.

ON THE LINE.

OH, YEAH.

(LAUGHTER)(BELL DINGS)

>> HARDWICK: GIVE A JESUS.

BRYAN CALLEN.

>> CAT TAXIDERMIST.

SHE STUFFS CATS.

YOU KNOW WHAT IT MEANS.

>> HARDWICK: THEY KNOW WHAT ATAXIDERMIST IS.

>> SHE STUFFS CATS.

>> RIGHT. KEEP YOUR HANDS ATYOUR SIDE.

>> OH, SORRY. SORRY.

>> HARDWICK: CHRIS.

>> DEAD.

(LAUGHTER)(APPLAUSE)

>> HARDWICK: NEXT ONE.

BJ THE MESSENGER!

>> ♪ ATTACKHEAD THE CRACKHEADDID YOU EVER WAKE UP

YOU FACED UP TO THE PILLOW♪ DID YOUR MAMA EVER CALL YOU

AN UGLY GORILLAYOU'RE A...

>> ♪ CRACKHEAD. (LAUGHTER)

>> HARDWICK: SUCH A STEEPSTAIRWAY TO STARDOM.

(BELL DINGS)YES, WILL.

>> THAT IS, UH, GEORGE R.R.

MARTIN.

(LAUGHTER)LITTLE GAME OF THRONES.

>> HARDWICK: I'LL GIVE YOUPOINTS FOR THAT.

I WOULD HAVE SAID GEORGE R.R.

MARTIN LAWRENCE.

I THINK THAT'S WHO IT WAS.

(LAUGHTER)ALL RIGHT, NEXT ONE.

THE MISSION. THE MISSION.

>> ♪ THE ONLY FOOD I WANNA EATIS WHERE THE FEAR FEEDS ME... ♪

(BELL DINGS)>> HARDWICK: BRYAN CALLEN.

>> NOW, HOLD ON, THE WOMAN ONTHE LEFT, THAT WAS ACTUALLY

CHRIS LEVINE. UH...

>> ADAM LEVINE!

ADAM LEVINE!

(LAUGHTER)>> PLEASE... CAN WE PLEASE...

PLEASE KEEP THAT IN.

PLEASE KEEP THAT IN.

>> HARDWICK: WE WILL, WE WILL.

>> WAIT A MINUTE!

WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT A MINUTE.

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.

WAIT A MINUTE.

>> CHRIS... CHRIS...

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, AND THEN THELAST NAME.

>> LEVINE.

>> HARDWICK: I HAD NO...

HOW DID YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT HEWAS TALKING ABOUT?

>> YOU KNOW WHY?

'CAUSE I'VE KNOWN HIM FOR AWHILE, AND I KNOW HOW HE MESSES

SHIT UP.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: I'LL GIVE CHRIS

D'ELIA POINTS, UH, AND...

BUT-BUT THEN I WILL ALSO GIVEBRYAN A HUNDRED POINTS, BECAUSE

NO ONE HAS EVER FUCKED UP A NAMETHAT BAD ON THIS SHOW.

(LAUGHTER)AMAZING.

(CHEERING, WHOOPING)>> HARDWICK: YOUR ANSWER WAS

SORT OF LIKE IF YOU GET NONUMBERS ON A KENO BOARD, HOW YOU

WIN MONEY? LIKE, THAT'S EXACT...

>> 'CAUSE THAT'S HOW MUCH ITHINK ABOUT ADAM...

>> LEVINE! LEVINE!

>> HARDWICK: YOU DON'T EVEN HAVETO LIKE HIS MUSIC TO KNOW IT'S

ADAM FUCKIN' LEVINE!

>> I KNOW.

>> (JEWISH ACCENT): YOU KNOW WHOI PARTICULARLY ENJOY ON THAT,

UH, SHOW, WHAT IS IT, THEVOICE... BOX... THE VOICE...

IS THAT... IS THAT CHRIS LEVINE.

(LAUGHTER)THAT CHRIS LEVINE.

HE'S A GOOD GUY.

HE'S A WONDERFUL SINGER, THATCHRIS LEVINE.

EXPECT BIG THINGS FROM HIM.

WHAT IS IT THE... THE BURGUNDYFOUR, HIS BAND.

WONDERFUL BAND.

>> AND, UH, AND, UH...

>> WONDERFUL.

>> AND THE LATINA SINGERCHRISTINA APPLEGATE, I LOVE HER.

>> SO GOOD.

>> I LOVE HER.

>> HARDWICK: NEXT ONE, RICHARDHALKE, RICHARD HALKE.

>> SO I WALK UP, WALK ACROSS THESTREET, I'M GETTING IN THE

MIDDLE, AND BOOM, I GET HIT WITHA CAB.

DRAGS ME THREE BLOCKS, GETS OUTOF THE CAR, HELPS ME UP AND ASKS

FOR HIS FARE.

I SAID, "THIS IS A RIOT."

(BELL DINGS)>> NOT FOR NOTHING, BUT THIS IS

1983-- UH, BRYAN, THAT IS YOU INTHE BACK ON THE DRUMS, RIGHT?

(LAUGHTER)>> THAT CHRIS LEVINE, LET ME

TELL YOU...

>> HARDWICK: I RECOGNIZE THEV-NECK, I RECOGNIZE THE V-NECK

THERE.

>> THAT'S WHAT IT IS.

>> HARDWICK: LAST ONE, LAST ONE.

JIMMY SCHWARTZMAN, JIMMYSCHWARTZMAN.

>> ♪ LIFE IS A CABARET,OLD CHUM

SO COME♪ TO THE CABARET...

(BELL DINGS)>> HARDWICK: WILL SASSO.

>> UH, HE BECAME NOT A SINGER.

(LAUGHTER)HEY!

>> HARDWICK: YEAH!

>> I, UH, I THINK HE BECAME THEHOST OF MTV'S SINGLED OUT.

>> HARDWICK: WHAT?!

♪ WE'VE GOT 50 SINGLE WOMENJIMMY, TAKE IT AWAY! ♪

SADLY, IT'S TIME FOR OUR NEXTGAME, WTF OR DTF?

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)>> HARDWICK: THE INTERNET CAN BE

A CONFUSING PLACE.

SOME THINGS MAKE YOU GO, "WHATTHE FUCK?"

AND SOME THINGS MAKE YOU FEELDOWN TO FUCK.

(LAUGHTER)THERE ARE SOME THINGS THAT MAKE

YOU SAY WTF, BUT MAKE YOUSPIEL DTF INSTEAD.

SO, COMEDIANS, I'M GONNA READYOU A TWEET AND I WANT YOU TO

TELL ME IF IT'S HASHTAG WTF ORDTF.

FIRST ONE: "WOKE UP WITH DRIEDSPAGHETTI SAUCE ON MY CHEST?

WHO WANTS A PIECE?"(BELL DINGS)

CHRIS.

>> DOWN TO FUCK.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH. LET'S FINDOUT.

DTF!

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)>> OH, MY GOD.

>> AW, YEAH!

>> BY THE WAY, I... BY THE WAY,I AM SO FOLLOWING HER AFTER

THIS.

>> HARDWICK: NEXT... NEXT ONE.

>> CHRIS LEVINE!

>> CHRIS LEVINE?!

>> CHRIS LEVINE!

>> THIS PERSON MAY NOT EVENEXIST!

WE'RE SUING!

>> I MEANT CHRIS LEVINE.

>> HARDWICK: NO, THERE IS ACHRIS LEVINE SOMEWHERE GOING,

"WE GET MIXED UP ALL THE TIME."

FINALLY, SOMEONE HAS... OUTLINEDMY STRUGGLE."

ALL RIGHT, NEXT ONE, NEXT ONE.

"THANKS FOR THE NEW WHIP,GRANDMA."

(BELL DINGS)CHRIS.

>> (LAUGHING): DOWN TO FUCK.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: I DON'T KNOW.

I'D LIKE TO THINK IT IS, BUT I'MNOT SURE.

LET'S FIND OUT.

OH! WOW!

(WHOOPING, APPLAUSE)>> YEAH!

>> THE PLATE! THE PLATE!

>> HARDWICK: NEXT ONE.

"AT THE END OF MY SNEEZES, IMAKE THIS WEIRD, ORGASMIC SEX

NOISE."

(BELL DINGS)WILL.

>> OH, I FORGOT THE...

>> YOU CAN TAKE IT IF YOU WANT.

IT'S JUST WTF OR DTF.

GO AHEAD.

>> NAH.

>> HARDWICK: WELL, WILL ISPASSING CONTROL OF THE BOARD

OVER TO BRYAN CALLEN. BRYAN.

>> COME ON, BRYAN.

HEY, BRYAN, YOU'VE GOT 50%.

>> YOU GOT 50%. YOU CAN DO IT.

>> I, UH, WHEN I SNEEZE, YEAH, ISOUND... ALL RIGHT, UH, UM, I'D

SAY... I'D SAY WTF.

>> HARDWICK: LET'S FIND OUT.

>> CORRECT.

WTF!

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)AND THAT BRINGS BRYAN UP TO A

DISTANT THIRD.

>> YEAH!

ORGASMIC SEX NOISE, MAN.

>> HARDWICK: NEXT ONE.

"MY SISTER JUST KISSED MYNIPPLE."

(AUDIENCE GROANING)(BELL DINGS)

BRYAN CALLEN.

>> WTF.

>> HARDWICK: I HOPE SO.

WTF!

(CHEERING, WHOOPING, APPLAUSE)>> HE LOOKS LIKE HE'S ABOUT TO

SNEEZE, OR... COME.

>> BRYAN!

>> HARDWICK: THIS IS... THISSPECIAL 90-MINUTE VERSION OF

@MIDNIGHT WILL BE AVAILABLE ONPAY-PER-VIEW... AFTER ALL THE

STUFF WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO BLEEPOUT.

WHY NOT? FUCK! TITS! COCK!

PUSSY! WHO CARES?

BLEEP IT ALL OUT.

(WHOOPING, APPLAUSE)BLEEP IT ALL OUT.

FUCKETY, FUCK, FUCK, TITS, FUCK,FUCK, FUCK, ASSHOLE, FUCK, FUCK,

SHIT, BALLS, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK.

ALL RIGHT, GOOD.

BEFORE THE BREAK, I SHOWED YOU A1998 VIDEO FROM THE BOY BAND

E-MALE.

AND I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP--THE GUY ON THE FAR LEFT WITH HIS

LEG UP TO HIS HEAD LOOKS LIKESHIA LABEOUF.

YOU OKAY? YOU GONNA BE OKAY WITH THIS?

>> YEAH, IT'S FINE.

>> WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, TAKE ITEASY.

>> HE HASN'T TEXTED ME BACK INA WHILE.

GET OFF OF ME!

>> HARDWICK: NO, COME ON.

>> HE'S BUSY.

>> HARDWICK: LEAVE HIM ALONE.

THE ONLY THING THAT WAS MISSINGFROM THIS WAS A MID-SONG SPOKEN

WORD BREAKDOWN WHERE THE SINGERSTALK TO ALL THE LADIES IN THE

AUDIENCE, AND I ASKED YOU GUYSTO WRITE THAT SENSUAL BREAKDOWN.

AND NOW WE WANT TO HEAR YOUPERFORM IT.

WILL SASSO, YOU'RE FIRST.

(SULTRY MUSIC PLAYING)>> GURL...

YOU'RE SO PRETTY YOU MAKE ME...

OOPS.

SORRY, THAT'S NEVER HAPPENED TOME BEFORE.

>> GURL...

YOU BETTER TAKE YOURSELF ON THATOFFER FOR SWEET LOVING BECAUSE,

A YEAR FROM NOW, TREY GONNA BEARRESTED FOR ATTEMPTED

MANSLAUGHTER FOR A FIGHT WITHHIS BOYFRIEND.

ME AND DARNELL WILL BE BACKWORKING AT RADIOSHACK.

AND TYRESE, HE GONNA BE DEAD.

>> HEY, GURL.

LET'S DO SOME BUTT STUFF.

BUT NOT WITH YOUR BUTT-- WITH MYBUTT.

AND NOT WITH YOU-- WITH YOURBROTHER.

AND NOT WITH YOUR BROTHER-- WITHYOUR BROTHER AND HIS FRIENDS.

>> HARDWICK: OH, EXCELLENT.

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