Teenage Mutant Leela's Hurdles

  • Season 4, Ep 9
  • 03/09/2003

The Planet Express crew revert into teenagers after falling into aging tar.

Captioning sponsored by MTV Networks

( shrieking )

Pazuzu, you ungrateful gargoyle!

I put you through college,and this is how you repay me?

PROFESSOR: Let's get this gargoyle hunt on the road.

Driving gloves, driving goggles,driving thong. There.

Uh, maybe I should drive.

( laughing )

You? A woman?

I'm tryingto catch a monster,

not find the quickestroute to the mall!

Let me just adjustthe seat...

( screeching, thuds )

( grunting, gears grinding )

Whoa!Oh...!

My God, he's going to do it.

Everyone, seat beltsto maximum buckling!

( beeping )

ALL:Whoa... whoa, oh, oh!

( yelling )

( brakes screeching, horns honking )

PROFESSOR: Pazuzu!

( horns tooting )

Oh, Pazuzu...!

Hey, grandpa,move your wrinkly old keister!

Shut up!

For Heaven's Gate, Professor,

this ship can do99% light-speed.

Why are we going 35 milesan hour?

Because we're in a hurry,that's why!

Plus, you havethe high beams on.

PROFESSOR:I can't quite read the sign.

( explosion )

Pazuzu!

Pazu... zu!

Yo, Captain Cataracts.

What are wedoing here?

Oh, it's 2:30.

We can still catchthe early bird dinner special.

Uh, aren't we lookingfor your gargoyle?

My wha...?

Hello, Mavis.

Surprised to see meback again so soon?

Mavis is dead.

I expect you'll want to see

my Angry, CrotchetyGrandpa Discount Card.

Sir, this card is expired.

But it's good for a lifetime.

Well, yours expired.

Oh!

Oh, Lord.

Teeth do not belongin your pants, Professor.

Well, I can't keepthem in my mouth.

They're nuclear-powered!

( clacking )

Ow!It bit my finger!

No! No!It's tastedhuman blood.

( people screaming )

( slurping )

Mmm...

Damn good meat.

( snoring )( door opening )

( gasping, moaning )

Professor, we've talked it over,

and everybody thinksyou're too old.

Uh-huh.Right on.Yep.

We've decided to dothe merciful thing,

and have you youth-a-sized.

Dear God, no!

Oh, relax, Professor.

Youth-a-sizingis a trendy new spa treatment.

It's this season'sshark cartilage enema.

But I like being old.

I don't have to talkto my parents,

no one asks me to helpmove their stuff,

I don't need to understandtoday's edgy TV sitcoms...

Okay, okay.We're not going to force you

until I finish this sentence.

Get him!

( yelling )

Oh... my thong!

Hi.

I'm Heather,

your personal youth-a-sizer.

Let's get started with a nicebotulism treatment, shall we?

Go to hell, Heather!

Oh... ( giggling )

In small doses, botulism toxin

tightens and tonesthe facial muscles

instead of killing you

in the most horrible fashionimaginable.

( groans )

( skin tightening )

( stiff-lipped ):Give me back my floppy face.

Oh! Whoo! Ooh!

Careful withthe giblets!

Mmm! You're stillretaining a lotof grump

in these joints.

More pressure.

Aah...

( device whirring )

Since this is sucha serious case of old,

we'll have to try ourstrongest treatment--

a soothing,full-body bath

in searing hot tar.

( tar bubbling )

Sir, it's not necessary,or wise, to be naked.

( sputtering ):You sound just likemy tennis instructor.

( gasping and flinching )

The tar blistersthe age right outof the body

in what top scientistssuspect is a miracle.

( lever squeaking )

( bubbling increases )

Oh, I don't have time for this!

I have to go buy a single pieceof fruit with a coupon,

and then return it,

making people wait behind mewhile I complain!

He still soundssort of old.

Sort of real old.

Step aside, lady.

Like everything else in life,

pumping is just a primitive,degenerate form of bending.

( grunting )

Whoa! Whoo!

Oh! Whoa!

( lever squeaking )

Come on, Bender, pump harder!Harder!

( weakly ):I'm trying as hard as I can.

Harder, damn you!

( splashing and rumbling )

( grunting )

( rumbling intensifies )

( yelling )

( yelling stops )

( gurgling, coughing, gasping, sputtering )

Well, that was an utter wasteof time.

( startled gasps )

Professor, it worked!

You look younger enoughto be my father.

Poodle spit!

( device whirring )

( gasps ):53 years old?

( groans )

Now I'll need a fake I.D.to rent ultraporn.

This is cool,Professor.

We should go outand celebrate.

Huh?What?

Dear Lord, you've all revertedto your childhood forms.

Hooray! I'm a teenageheartthrob again!

While I try to restoreour normal ages,

I expect you allto go about your jobs

like responsible professionals.

( kids laughing )

It wasn't me, Mr. F.

It was Amy.

Stop it, Amy.You stink!

( grunting )You know you did it.

( all yelling at once )

Quiet! Quiet, I say!

We're here to takemy little stub

of a husband home.

Hermes, say good-byeto Mr. Farnsworth.

Good-bye, Mr. Dumbsworth.

( snickering )

Hey, this is my chance

to spend timewith my parents, too.

But your parentsare gross sewermutants.

Ow!

( laughing mischievously )

When I was an orphan,I always wished

I could grow upwith my mom and dad.

And now, thanks to being hurledbackwards in time...

That's not what happened!

Shut up and go livewith your parents!

( beeping )

LEELA: It's going to be totally awesome, Mom.

You and me can bakeand argue

about my hairstylehiding my pretty face.

And, if some kidpicks on me,

my dad can beat uphis dad!

Can't I just beat up the kid?

( chuckling )

Well, okay, Leela.

If you think you can put upwith your father,

then welcome home.

We'll try to respectyour independence

and freedom...No!

I want the realteen experience--

chores, curfew, the works!

Fine, sweetikins.

We'll be the strictest parentsever.

Now, let's all have some tequilato celebrate.

Dad! I'm underage!

Oh, right.

Here's a Silly Straw.

( sniffling )

Oh, my Amyis sweet little girl again.

This likea mother's dream.

Bad dream, that is.

At this rate, I'mnever going to geta grandchild! Agh!

Maybe she not grown up,but she sure grown out.

She fat.

Dad, if you're going to makefat jokes till I get cute again,

I'm just going to stayin my room.

Stay in room? You so fat,

you going to stayall around room.

( laughing )

I've got to find a wayto escape the horribleravages of youth.

Suddenly, I'm going to thebathroom like clockwork

every three hours.

And those jerksat Social Security

stopped sending me checks.

Now I have to pay them!

I'm tiredof your yapping!

( tires screeching )

All you ever dois complain.

You never tryto make things better.

Well, I'm running awayfrom this dead-end family.

I know there's a place forpeople like me, with new ideas.

There has to be!

Fine. Get going.

Oh, I'm going.

And you're going to be all,

"Where's Bender?I miss Bender."

We won't know thatuntil you leave.

Oh, I'm leaving.

There'sthe door.

( engine sputtering )

( engine dies )I'll be good.

( groans )

Do you have to shedyour skin on the couch?

What do we live in, a zoo?

( doorbell chiming )

I'm getting the doorbell.

For me?

( chuckling )

Oh, hello, sir.

It's a lovely eveningyou have tonight.

Um, I'm here to pick upyour daughter.

Hi, Fry.

I like your blazer.

Thanks. Thesearen't pockets,they're just flaps.

I put my moneyin my sock.

( laughing nervously )

So, where are youtaking my daughter tonight?

( voice cracking ):A movie.

( clears throat ):A movie, ma'am.

Well, whateveryou're really doing,

don't wake us if youget in after 12:00.

Dad! You're beingtoo lenient again.

I have to beback by 11:00.

Okay. Okay.

You're the boss.

No, I'm not!

I'd like a sewer burger,but without the rat feces.

What, are you on a diet?

Duh, Leela,you look hot.

Geez, Moose,just dump me

right in frontof her, why d't you?

Moose, Mandy, thisis my friend Fry...

from the surface.

Oh, so this isthe famous Fry.

What is he, like, the biggestloser on the surface

so he has to hangout in the sewer?

( whispers ):They're on to me.Hey, come on.

Let's act likegrown-ups here.Want to race?

Duh... yeah.

( engines revving )

( grunts ):Huh!

Theres.

The world's drinkings wateris safes for another days.

Whoas! Cripe!

( splashing )

The tapeworm!

( roaring )( screaming )

We missed the turn!We'll never catch them!

Yes, we will!

This sewer goes rightunder Planet Express,

and it's 9:00 p.m.!

( toilet flushing )

PROFESSOR: The devil take this predictable colon!

( Fry screaming )

( applause and cheering )

FRY:Whoo-hoo!

Whoo-hoo!All right!

Leela, you can stopwinning now. We won.

I'm too shortto reach the hand brake!

( screaming )

That's detention.

And then, and thena giant tapeworm

tried to play us for chumps.

But we, like,totally dissed Moose.

Yes, I'd liketo meet this "Moose."

But, in the meantime,I have good news.

I may have solvedour age problem.

( voice cracking ):Yay!

( beeping )

It seems the youth-a-sizingtar was saturated

with time-altering chronitons.

A thin layer is stillstuck to our DNA,

as well as Bender's"Robo," or "RNA."

Question?Yes?

You stink.

Yes, yes.

Anyhow, I've designedan oil-eating bacterium

that should takethe tar right off.

C'mon, let's gotell Leela

so we can growup together.

( kissing noises )

LEELA: Thanks, Professor,

but I don't wantthe treatment.

Don't you understand,you little nitwit?

Unless you're treated soon,the only way

to restore your true agewill be to grow into it...

just as God intended.

He has a point,honey.

What about your joband your friends?

Do you really want toabandon your old life?

My old lifewasn't as glamorous

as my web-pagemade it look.

All I ever wanted

was to grow up here, with you.

Please?

Well, if it's whatyou really want...

It is. I know it is.

( voice cracking ):I'll miss you, Leela.

I'll come back and visitwhen I'm all grown up.

( whispers ):Bring beer.

No beer till you finishyour tequila.

The age-restoring microbes

are ready.

Everyone intothe Bacterial Spew Chamber.

( cheering )Let's go!

( sarcastically ):Yes, everyone do the same thing.

( hatch clamping and hissing shut )

Initiating controlled infection.

( machine coughing and sneezing )

Aah-choo!

ZOIDBERG:I'm no doctor, but this machineguy could use a lozenge.

( tiny voice ):Aw, poo!

We're even younger.

( beeping )

Damn! The bacteria pigged outon the tar,

and now they're gettingfreaky-deaky...

spreading chronitonsthroughout our systems.

We're getting youngerby the minute!

No!Yikes!

What, I'm going to revert

through all my larval stages?

Word. We'll all keep gettingyounger and younger

until we suffer a fateworse than death...

pre-life!

Then death.

( device beeps, ticking )

( chiming )

I've got to stopthis reverse aging

before we allshrivel up

and suffer theagony of unbirth!

Think, you discoduck, think!

What's that squirmleunder your shirt?

Oh, get off me,you parasitic lamprey!

Oh, sure, you need all your blood.

Woo-woo-woo-woo!

( children screaming )

Would youall chill?

I can't think

with you kids cramping my style!

Ooh! I need a baby-sitter.

LEELA: Okay, quiet time.

( happy screams and giggles )

I know.

Everyone pretend a goblinate your tongues,

and I'll read you a story.

Ooh, story!A story!

I can't see fromdown here, I can't.

There.

Today's storyis from Muteen magazine.

Who would you rather hearabout-- four-legged Chachi

or tentacle Chachi?

I want to hear a space story.

It's kind of a baby book,but okay-- let's see.

"Snow White Dwarfand the Seven Red Dwarfs",

"Charlotte's Tholian Web",

"The Fountain of Aging".

( gasps )

PROFESSOR: The Fountain of Aging?

Hmm... it isjust a legend.

Still, they calledthe Tooth Fairy a legend,

and now he's head of the FBI.

( knocking )

'Sup? Kids ready?

Yay! Professy's back!

( sniffing ):Eww! You smelllike smoking...

( sniffs ):and drinking.

I had a few beers,but I'm cool to drive.

I wish I could come with you

to say goodbye before you allturn back into grown-ups,

but I'm groundedfor knocking the school over.

Who cares, Leela?

It was just apublic school.

Now, go with yourfriends, please.

No! A grounded teenagermust be confined to her room!

Until she sneaks out.

( giggles )

BENDER:When I grow up,I want to be a steam shovel.

According to this,

the fountain is locatedin the darkest,

most ancient regionof space,

just past TeddyBear Junction.

Teddy BearJunction--

the worst scum holein the galaxy.

PROFESSOR: This solar system

is, like, way old!

Look how highthe asteroid beltis pulled up

on that planet.News flash!

Everything'sgetting older

the closer we getto that ancient

burnt-out sun.

Dude, the Fountain of Agingmust be on the sun itself!

Shut up! I was gonna say that.

( babies crying )

We've got to hurry.

The kids have onlyone change of pants!

We gotta be real, real carefulto stay in it

just long enoughto make us ourright ages again.

Whee!

Zoidberg, get out of there!

The current! It's too muchalready! Help!

( crying )

Jeepers.Zoidbergis dead!

No. Zoidberg'sbrother is dead.

Funny story--I just reverted to the age

when my siblings budded from me,

and my brother Normansplit off

and jumped in the fountain.

He always had to bethe center of attention!

Good riddance!Let him go!

Oh, no!

LEELA:Quick!

Get them intothe fountain!

( child's voice ):Thanks for the help, Weewa.

Once we're growed up,you can go back to your famwy.

We'll never bother you again.

Well, you could bother mea little.

Ooh... oh!

It's working! Hooray!

I can't hold on!

( all screaming )

I'm coming in after you!

No, Leela!

You can't give you upyour childhood!

You'll never haveanother chance at it!

( yelling )

( all coughing )

We did it!We're the right ages again.

I think I might be acouple years younger!

Oh, me, too!

( groaning ):Help!

I'm still in mid-peril,you clods!

He's too far out!We can't reach him!

With my last breath,I curse Zoidberg!

( gurgling )

( shrieking )

Pazuzu!

Oh, you came back to me!

Are you back to youroriginal age,Professor?

( device beeping )

Even older!

( bones creaking )Huzzah!

I'm sorry you hadto give up beinga kid, Leela.

Well, I guess every adult wantsto be a kid again sometimes,

but I worked hardto be the person I am...

The fabulous person!

With friendslike you guys...

Fabulousfriends!

Mm, and I'm reallyhappy I have that life back.

And you,my faithful fiend--

how can I everrepay you?

( French accent ):And that, little one,is how Papa gain his freedom.

Now, bon nuit.

Bon nuit to you all.

( bells chiming )

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBHaccess.wgbh.org

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