Johann, Crawford, Shea, Samberg

  • Season 8, Ep 0811
  • 01/06/2005

I WENT TO COLLEGE FOR LIKE

ONE SECOND.

[LAUGHTER]

I WENT TO A COLLEGE CALLED DCCC.

WITH THAT MANY C'S YOU KNOW IT

CAN'T BE GOOD.

[LAUGHTER]

I THINK IT STOOD FOR UH,

DELAWARE COUNTY, COMMUNITY,

COLLEGE, CORRECTIONAL...

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I HAVE A FRIEND UM WHO'S GAY AND

UM HE'S CONVINCED THAT EVERYBODY

IS GAY...

EVEN FAIRY TALE CHARACTERS.

HE'S LIKE,

[NEW YORK ACCENT WITH A LISP]

"OH, OKAY LET'S TALK HERE

FOR A SECOND.

OKAY, PINOCCHIO...

[LAUGHTER]

OKAY, HE'S A LITTLE QUEER.

[LAUGHTER]

OKAY, HE HANGS OUT WITH AN

OLD MAN WHO PULLS HIS STRINGS

AND EVERY TIME HE LIES

HIS NOSE GETS AN ERECTION.

[LAUGHTER]

SNOW WHITE AND THE SEVEN DWARFS.

HMMM...

SEVEN SMALL MEN LIVING WITH

A QUEEN.

[LAUGHTER]

THREE LITTLE PIGS?

THEY'RE DOING EACH OTHER.

[LAUGHTER]

THE BUTCHER?

THE BAKER?

DON'T GET ME STARTED."

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

James Johann: THERE'S A LOT OF

STUFF I DON'T UNDERSTAND LIKE

I WAS DRIVING THE OTHER DAY

AND I GOT BEHIND A GUY, HE HAD A

LITTLE RAINBOW STICKER ON HIS

CAR.

YEAH.

I JUST FOUND OUT LAST WEEK,

THAT MEANS THAT GUY'S GAY.

I JUST THOUGHT HE LIKED SKITTLES

OR SOMETHING, I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT

THE HELL THAT MEANT.

[LAUGHTER]

AND THAT'S PRETTY BRAVE,

PUTTING A RAINBOW STICKER ON

YOUR CAR, TELLING EVERYBODY

YOU'RE GAY.

THERE'S A LOT OF HATRED OUT

THERE.

BUT THEY SHOULD HAVE THOSE

KINDS OF STICKERS FOR OTHER

KINDS OF PEOPLE.

LIKE IF YOU LIVE IN A TRAILER

PARK YOU COULD HAVE A LITTLE

TORNADO STICKER ON THE BACK OF

YOUR CAR OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

[LAUGHTER]

I'D LIKE TO GET LIKE 500 OF

THOSE RAINBOW STICKERS AND

OUT 'EM ON EVERY TRUCK I COULD

FIND WITH A GUN RACK.

THAT'D BE FUN, WOULDN'T IT?

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

HE'D HAVE TO GET OUT AND BEAT

HIS OWN ASS "I'M GAY, I'M GAY."

[LAUGHTER]

I DON'T THINK I COULD BE GAY.

I JUST LIKE GIRLS TOO MUCH.

OH MAN, GIRLS ARE NEAT.

[GIGGLES]

I'M GONNA GET ONE I THINK.

I AM.

[LAUGHTER.

THEY GOT TITTIES.

OH, YEAH, OH, BOOBS ARE COOL!

OH, MAN, I WISH I HAD MY OWN

BOOBS.

I'D JUST SIT HOME AND RUB STUFF

ON 'EM.

WHAT'S THAT, WHAT'S THAT?

I'D MAKE 'EM KISS...

[KISSING NOISES]

[LAUGHTER]

I GET CARRIED AWAY, I'M SORRY.

OH, I LIKE 'EM MAN.

BIG ONES, LITTLE ONES,

ONE BIG ONE, ONE LITTLE ONE,

I DON'T CARE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

OH, BOOBS ARE COOL.

[WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE]

YEAH.

I LIKE GIRLS, THEY JUST,

THEY CONFUSE ME.

YA KNOW, I DON'T THINK THEY

MEAN TO.

I THINK A LOT OF 'EM ARE JUST

SMARTER THAN ME AND...

[LAUGHTER]

THEY DO, GIRLS CONFUSE ME BAD.

BUT I DON'T THINK I'M ALONE.

I DON'T THINK THERE'S A GUY IN

THIS ROOM THAT'S GONNA SAY

HE'S GOT WOMEN FIGURED OUT.

MAN, GIRLS CONFUSE ME.

GIRLS AND SEX AND... MATH.

[LAUGHTER]

SEX IS LIKE A MATH PROBLEM

TO ME.

I WORK REAL HARD ON IT FOR A

FEW MINUTES AND IN THE END

I GET IT ALL WRONG.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

ALWAYS LEAVE A REMAINDER.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU.

I DON'T HAVE A GIRL NOW I HAVE

A DOG.

[LAUGHTER]

THAT DOG'S ABOUT ALL I'M

RESPONSIBLE ENOUGH FOR.

MY SISTER, SHE THE RESPONSIBLE

ONE IN MY FAMILY YA KNOW 'CAUSE

SHE'S GOT A JOB AND EVERYTHING

AND SHE GOT A KID, AND I'M PROUD

OF MY SISTER FOR HAVING THAT

BABY.

AND ANY WOMAN IN HERE THAT HAS

KIDS OR IS GONNA HAVE KIDS,

'CAUSE I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT WOMEN

WENT THROUGH UNTIL I WATCHED

MY SISTER WIT HER PREGNANCY.

THEIR BODIES GO THROUGH A LOT

OF CHANGES.

A LOT OF WEIRD STUFF HAPPENS.

WEIRD STUFF, MY SISTER TOLD ME

HER BOOBS WERE ITCHING.

YEAH, I GUESS WHEN THEY GET

PREGNANT THEIR BOOBS FILL UP

WITH STUFF AND ITCH.

[LAUGHTER]

BUT I'M PROUD OF HER.

AND IT'S NOT JUST WOMEN, GUYS,

TOO.

IF YOU'RE A FATHER GOOD FOR YOU,

THAT'S SOMETHING I DON'T KNOW

IF I COULD DO IT.

I DON'T KNOW IF I'D BE A GOOD

DAD.

I DON'T GIVE GOOD ADVICE TO KIDS

OR PEOPLE WITH KIDS.

MY BUDDY BRIAN HAD A KID A FEW

YEARS AGO AND HE COMES TO ME

THIS SUMMER AND HE GOES, "MAN,

MY SON JUST FLUNKED THE THIRD

GRADE.

I DON'T KNOW HOW TO TELL MY KID

HE'S GONNA BE HELD BACK A YEAR."

I WAS LIKE, "I GUESS YOU BETTER

TELL HIM SLOW SO THE LITTLE

DUMB ASS WILL GET IT!"

[LAUGHTER]

LaVell Crawford: THANK YOU,

THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

I'M JUST GLAD TO BE HERE.

I HAD TO FLY IN.

I'M TIRED OF AIRPORT'S, MAN.

I DON'T KNOW AFTER 9-11,

FAT PEOPLE BEEN THE CHOICE OF

PEOPLE TO PICK ON AT THE

AIRPORT.

I GET UP TO THE TICKET COUNTER

MAN, LADY, EVERYBODY ELSE GET

THEY TICKET, I GET UP THERE

SHE LIKE, "HOW MUCH YOU WEIGH?"

[LAUGHTER]

"F OFF A-ROO.

YOU AIN'T ASK NOBODY ELSE THAT

QUESTION, DID YOU?"

I SAID, SHE SAID, "SIR,

FOR OUR SAFETY AND YOUR SAFETY,

WE NEED TO KNOW HOW MUCH YOU

WEIGH."

I SAID, "WHY DON'T YOU PICK ME

UP, WE BOTH FIND OUT."

[LAUGHTER]

HOW THE HELL YOU GONNA ASK ME

THOSE STUPID QUESTIONS,

THEN I GET TO THE SECURITY THEY

GONNA TALK ABOUT, "EXCUSE ME

SIR, COULD YOU TAKE OFF YOUR

SHOES?"

I SAID, "WHO GONNA PUT 'EM

BACK ON?"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

[CHEERS AND WHISTLES]

THAT'S FOR REAL, 'CAUSE I'M

GONNA HAVE TO UNBUCKLE MY BELT

AND ROLL MY SOCKS DOWN TO TIE

THEM SUCKERS BACK UP!

I SAID, "WHAT YOU NEED MY SHOES

FOR ANYWAY?"

TALKING ABOUT, "WE GOT CHECK

THEM FOR EXPLOSIVES."

I SAID, "AS HEAVY AS I AM,

WOULDN'T YOU THINK I WOULD,

IF I HAD BOMBS IN MY SHOES,

THEY WOULD HAVE WENT OFF BY

NOW!"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SOON AS I STOOD UP, KA-BOOM!

ANOTHER PLOT FOILED BY THE

FAT DUDE.

I MEAN PEOPLE KILL ME ABOUT

YOU BEING A BIG GUY.

THEY ALWAYS ASK ME DUMB

QUESTIONS "DO YOU WANT TO BE

FAT?"

"OH YES, YES, I DO.

I WANT TO SWEAT FOR NO REASON."

EVERY TIME I BREATHE, THEY SAY,

"WHY YOU BREATHIN' SO HARD?"

"SO I CAN LIVE, WHAT KIND OF..."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WHAT KIND OF QUESTION IS THAT?

I GOT A BIG BODY.

I GOT TO GET OXYGEN ALL UP IN

HERE, YA KNOW.

YOU KNOW, I BROKE UP WITH THIS

GIRL SHE GONNA TALK ABOUT,

"WAKE UP, YOU'RE SNORING."

I SAID, "THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE

SUPPOSED TO DO WHEN YOU SLEEP.

NOW IF I SNORE WHILE I WAS

AWAKE, I'D BE A LITTLE TOO

HEAVY."

I GOT A COUSIN, LIKE HE A

LITTLE BIGGER THAN ME, HE BE

SNORING WHILE HE AWAKE,

TALKING ABOUT, [SNORING NOISE]

[LAUGHTER]

I SAY, "YOU ASLEEP?"

"UN-HUH."

"WHAT THE HELL WRONG WITH YOU?"

"YOU GOING TO SLEEP IN

SECTIONS OR SOMETHING?"

OH, YOU'RE KILLING ME,

YOU KNOW.

YEAH, LIKE I REALLY WANT TO BE

FAT, EVERY TIME I GET IN

THE CAR AND THEY ALL JUST,

"PLEASE PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT FOR

SAFETY."

SO I GOTTA TRY TO PUT IT ON,

SEEM LIKE THE SEATBELT DON'T

WANT TO GO AROUND ME.

I GOT TO PULL IT DOWN.

AND IT WANT, DON'T GO ALL THE

WAY SO I LET IT GO BACK,

ROLL IT DOWN, ALMOST GET A

LITTLE BIT CLOSER.

GOT TO LET IT GO BACK ONE MORE

TIME...

FINALLY I GET IT CLICKED, THEY

TALKING ABOUT "WE'RE HERE!"

OH, I...

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

[CHEERS AND WHISTLES]

BUT PEOPLE CRACK ME UP,

THEY ALL SAY, "YOU, YOU GONNA

DIE FAT."

HEY, I AIN'T AFRAID TO DIE FAT.

THAT'S MY PALL BEARERS WORRY.

THEY GONNA HAVE TO CARRY ME,

"JESUS [BLEEP]!

YOU SURE WE ON THE PROGRAM?"

"YEAH, ALL 52 OF US ON

THE PROGRAM.

WHOO, HE STILL HEAVY, IS IT

TWO PEOPLE IN HERE?

MY GOD PUT HIM DOWN, JESUS!

WHY HE HAVE TO DIE ON MY DAY

OFF?

WE GOT TO-- LIGHTEN THE LOAD,

TAKE YOUR SHOES OFF, OR

SOMETHING.

HAVE TO CUT HIS BUTT IN HALF

AND COME BACK FOR THE REST OF

HIS ASS LATER."

[LAUGHTER]

I'D HATE TO DIE AND GO TO

HEAVEN AND STILL BE FAT THOUGH.

BE A FAT ANGEL, WALK AROUND

WITH A LITTLE BITTY WING.

OTHER ANGELS TEASE YOU,

"LAVELL, FLY UP HERE WITH US."

I SAY, "MAN, YOU KNOW I CAN'T

FLY UP THERE WITH Y'ALL.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU KNOW I SPRAINED MY WING

LAST WEEK TRYING TO FLY UP

THERE."

TWO WEEKS LATER I'M WALKING

AROUND I HAVE NO WINGS,

AND Y'ALL TALKING ABOUT,

"WHERE YOUR WINGS AT?"

"MAN, I GOT HUNGRY LAST NIGHT

AND FRIED THEM SUCKERS UP."

UH, I'VE LIVED IN NEW YORK

A LONG TIME, SAME APARTMENT

AND THERE ARE A LOT OF ROBBERIES

IN THAT BUILDING AND I FELT

SO BAD FOR MY NEIGHBOR BECAUSE

HER DOG AND VCR GOT STOLEN.

HONESTLY, NOTHING ELSE JUST

THE DOG AND THE VCR.

I'M LIKE I WONDER WHAT THE

BURGLAR WAS THINKING AT THE

TIME?

"HMMM, I'D REALLY LIKE TO RENT

A MOVIE, BUT I DON'T WANT TO

WATCH IT BY MYSELF."

[LAUGHTER]

CRAZY.

I COULDN'T HAVE PETS WHEN I

WAS LITTLE 'CAUSE I HAD ASTHMA

AND I WAS ALLERGIC.

BUT WE DID HAVE THIS ONE CAT FOR

A WHILE AND HIS NAME WAS POT.

[LAUGHTER]

IT WAS MY DAD NAMED HIM.

AND UH, I ASKED HIM, I WAS LIKE,

"DAD WHY IS HIS NAME POT?...

DAD?"

[LAUGHTER]

[APPLAUSE]

I LOVE HOLIDAYS.

MY NEW FAVORITE HOLIDAY IS

EASTER.

AND UH, BECAUSE I CELEBRATED

A LITTLE DIFFERENTLY THIS YEAR,

I HAD AN EGG HUNT IN MY WOMB.

[LAUGHTER]

AND UH...

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

YEAH, IT WAS GREAT A LOT OF

PEOPLE CAME AND UM...

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU.

THANKS.

I WAS THINKING ABOUT THE

DIFFERENT MEN I'VE HAD SEX WITH

AND I HAD SEX WITH A JAPANESE

MAN ONCE, IT WAS GREAT.

HE MADE ME ORIGAMI THREE TIMES.

[LAUGHTER]

I WAS LIKE, "OH MY GOD NO,

NOT ANOTHER BIRD, PLEASE

I CAN'T TAKE ANYMORE, PLEASE."

[LAUGHTER]

I DON'T WANT YOU TO GET THE

WRONG IDEA.

I DON'T HAVE CASUAL SEX,

BUT I PICTURE CASUAL SEX LIKE ME

WITH KHAKIS DRAPED AROUND

MY ANKLES...

[LAUGHTER]

ON A FRIDAY AFTERNOON AT THE

OFFICE.

LONG LIVE CASUAL DAY.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU KNOW YOUR SEX LIFE HAS BEEN

BAD WHEN YOU FINALLY GO TO THE

GYNECOLOGIST FOR CONTRACEPTIVES

AND HE CONGRATULATES YOU.

THAT'S BAD.

AND I'LL NEVER FORGET THE FIRST

TIME I WENT TO THE GYNECOLOGIST.

I WAS SO SCARED AND NERVOUS,

I LEFT MY UNDERWEAR ON.

LIKE I THOUGHT I COULD GET AWAY

WITH IT.

AND SO THE DOCTOR COMES IN AND

HE LIFTS UP MY PAPER GOWN AND

HE GOES, "OOOPS, YOU FORGOT

SOMETHING.

I NEED YOU TO TAKE YOUR

UNDERWEAR OFF."

I WAS LIKE, "OH, I THOUGHT IT

MIGHT BE NICE IF YOU TOOK THEM

OFF."

[LAUGHTER]

YEAH.

'CAUSE YOU HAVE TO MAKE THEM

FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE, TOO,

YOU JUST DO.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

OTHER DAY AND HAVE YOU EVER SEEN

THOSE THONG PANTY LINERS?

I SAW THAT, I THOUGHT,

THAT IS SO GENIUS.

LIKE WHY DIDN'T SOMEONE THINK

OF THAT A LONG TIME AGO?

'CAUSE I KNOW WHEN IT'S THAT

TIME OF THE MONTH FOR ME AND

I HAVE CRAMPS THAT WAKE ME UP

IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT

I THINK, "YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD

MAKE ME FEEL BETTER RIGHT NOW?

[LAUGHTER]

A THONG.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

IF I COULD JUST FIND SOMETHING

TO PUT IN IT THAT WOULD MAKE IT

EVEN MORE UNCOMFORTABLE...

THAT WOULD BE GREAT.

THAT WOULD BE EXCELLENT."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SO I WAS UH, I WAS THINKING

ABOUT HE WORD GENITALIA THE

OTHER DAY.

YOU, TOO?

BUT I THOUGHT, IF WE DIDN'T

KNOW WHAT THAT WORD MEANT,

THAT WOULD BE SUCH A PRETTY

NAME FOR A GIRL.

[LAUGHTER]

WOULDN'T IT?

IT WOULD, IT WOULD.

IT WOULD BE LIKE, LIKE A NICE

ITALIAN NAME.

LIKE, [WITH ITALIAN ACCENT]

"HEY, A GENI-TA-TALIA."

[LAUGHTER]

EXCEPT YOU WOULDN'T STUTTER.

UM, "GENITALIA."

YOU'D BE LIKE, "WHAT'S YOUR

NAME?

GENITALIA?"

"YEAH, BUT PEOPLE CALL ME JENNY.

[LAUGHTER]

AND THIS IS MY BROTHER

FELLACIO."

[LAUGHTER]

AH, IT'S BEEN SO LONG,

HOW HAVE YOU BEEN?

SWEET!

[LAUGHTER]

SO YOU GUYS UH I'VE ALWAYS

IMAGINED THE AFRICAN NATION

OF CHAD TO SORT OF BE THIS

FENCED OFF AREA AND THEN WHEN

YOU WALK IN THERE'S REALLY

NOTHING AFRICAN ABOUT IT.

IT'S JUST THIS WHITE DUDE IN

A SWEATER VEST.

LIKE, "HEY WHAT'S UP?

IT'S ME CHAD.

WELCOME TO MY AFRICAN NATION.

WE'RE JUST MESSING WITH THE

PLAY STATION IN THE BACK.

YOU WANT A SNAPPLE?"

"TRY NOT TO GO OUTSIDE THE

FENCED OFF AREA.

IT'S [BLEEP] CRAZY!"

[LAUGHTER]

YOU GUYS LIKE TO DANCE IN THE

MIRROR AT ALL?

ANYONE DANCE IN THE MIRROR?

[CHEERS]

YEAH.

SAME.

SAME.

ANYWAYS, I WAS DANCING IN THE

MIRROR THE OTHER DAY BUT NOT

LIKE DANCING IN THE MIRROR

LIKE DANCING IN THE MIRROR,

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

LIKE, WHOOO, LIKE

♪ DANCING IN THE MIRROR

♪ DANCING

AND ALL OF SUDDEN I FREEZE,

RIGHT, AND I'M LIKE, "OH

MY GOD, WHAT IF THIS IS A

TWO-WAY MIRROR?

[LAUGHTER]

AND THE GOVERNMENT IS WATCHING

ME?"

SO I KEEP COOL RIGHT,

I STEP BACK, LOOK IN, I GO,

"I KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE.

ENJOYING THE SHOW, GOVERNMENT?

AND OF COURSE RIGHT AT THE

MOMENT I HEAR...

"AHEM!"

AND I TURN AND MY ROOMMATE'S

STANDING RIGHT IN THE DOORWAY.

[LAUGHTER]

SO I'M LIKE NO BIG DEAL,

GOT IT, GOT IT.

AND I TURN AROUND AND I GO,

"GOTCHA!"

AND HE GOES, "WHAT?"

AND I GO, "QUIT BEING A DICK!"

AND RUN OUT CRYING.

YOU GUYS KNOW HOW THAT IS.

AND OF COURSE IT WAS RIGHT AT

THAT MOMENT THAT HE TOOK OUT HIS

WALKIE TALKIE AND WAS LIKE,

"HE'S STARTING TO SUSPECT."

[LAUGHTER]

MY FATHER WAS GAY WHEN I ASKED

HIM TO PICK A NUMBER BETWEEN

ONE AND 10 AND HE WAS ALL,

"I'M GAY!"

YEAH.

THAT'S WHEN I FIRST GREW

SUSPICIOUS.

MY DAD HATES THAT JOKE.

MY MOM THINKS IT'S REALLY FUNNY

THOUGH.

[LAUGHTER]

EVERY TIME I COME HOME NOW,

"WHERE'S YOUR GAY DAD?"

"GAY DAD'S IN THE KITCHEN!"

THAT'S NOT HOW MY MOM TALKS,

SORRY MOM.

[WHISPERS] YES, IT IS.

[LAUGHTER]

ANYWAYS UH, YOU GUYS I WAS OUT

AT A DANCE CLUB DANCING AS I

MENTIONED I LIKE TO DANCE SO

IT'S TOTALLY LINKING TOGETHER

NOW.

I WAS OUT DANCING AND THIS JUST

RIDICULOUS SMOKING HOT GIRL

COMES UP AND STARTS DANCING

LIKE NEAR ME AND I WAS LIKE,

OKAY DON'T EVEN TRIP,

IT'S KIND OF COOL.

AND THEN SHE STARTS MOVING IN

CLOSER, KIND OF LIKE FREAKING UP

ON ME AND I'M LIKE, OH MY GOD!

THAT IS GOOD, DON'T EVEN WORRY

ABOUT IT, WE'RE DANCING.

AND THEN SHE LEANS IN AND

SHE'S LIKE, "LET'S GET OUT OF

HERE."

AND I'M LIKE, "OH MY GOD, YES,

YES, YES, WE'RE LEAVING."

AND I TAKE HER HAND AND SHE LIKE

WEAVES THROUGH THE CLUB AND WE

GO OUT INTO THE ALLEYWAY AND SHE

THROWS ME UP AGAINST THE WALL

AND WE START MAKING OUT.

AND THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN HER

TONGUE SHOOTS INTO MY MOUTH

AND OUT THE BACK OF MY HEAD

AND I'M ALL, [TSKS] "SPECIES!

[LAUGHTER]

I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN IT WAS

TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE.

YOU'RE MUCH TOO GOOD LOOKING

FOR ME SPECIES."

ALL RIGHT, YOU GUY'S MY NAME IS

ANDY, HAVE A GOOD NIGHT.

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