Johann, Crawford, Shea, Samberg

  • Season 8, Ep 0811
  • 01/07/2005

Lavell Crawford gets grilled by airport security, Andy Samberg meets a dangerous woman on the dance floor, and Debbie Shea reveals an unusual way to celebrate Easter.

I WENT TO COLLEGE FOR LIKE

ONE SECOND.

[LAUGHTER]

I WENT TO A COLLEGE CALLED DCCC.

WITH THAT MANY C'S YOU KNOW IT

CAN'T BE GOOD.

[LAUGHTER]

I THINK IT STOOD FOR UH,

DELAWARE COUNTY, COMMUNITY,

COLLEGE, CORRECTIONAL...

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I HAVE A FRIEND UM WHO'S GAY AND

UM HE'S CONVINCED THAT EVERYBODY

IS GAY...

EVEN FAIRY TALE CHARACTERS.

HE'S LIKE,

[NEW YORK ACCENT WITH A LISP]

"OH, OKAY LET'S TALK HERE

FOR A SECOND.

OKAY, PINOCCHIO...

[LAUGHTER]

OKAY, HE'S A LITTLE QUEER.

[LAUGHTER]

OKAY, HE HANGS OUT WITH AN

OLD MAN WHO PULLS HIS STRINGS

AND EVERY TIME HE LIES

HIS NOSE GETS AN ERECTION.

[LAUGHTER]

SNOW WHITE AND THE SEVEN DWARFS.

HMMM...

SEVEN SMALL MEN LIVING WITH

A QUEEN.

[LAUGHTER]

THREE LITTLE PIGS?

THEY'RE DOING EACH OTHER.

[LAUGHTER]

THE BUTCHER?

THE BAKER?

DON'T GET ME STARTED."

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

LaVell Crawford: THANK YOU,

THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

I'M JUST GLAD TO BE HERE.

I HAD TO FLY IN.

I'M TIRED OF AIRPORT'S, MAN.

I DON'T KNOW AFTER 9-11,

FAT PEOPLE BEEN THE CHOICE OF

PEOPLE TO PICK ON AT THE

AIRPORT.

I GET UP TO THE TICKET COUNTER

MAN, LADY, EVERYBODY ELSE GET

THEY TICKET, I GET UP THERE

SHE LIKE, "HOW MUCH YOU WEIGH?"

[LAUGHTER]

"F OFF A-ROO.

YOU AIN'T ASK NOBODY ELSE THAT

QUESTION, DID YOU?"

I SAID, SHE SAID, "SIR,

FOR OUR SAFETY AND YOUR SAFETY,

WE NEED TO KNOW HOW MUCH YOU

WEIGH."

I SAID, "WHY DON'T YOU PICK ME

UP, WE BOTH FIND OUT."

[LAUGHTER]

HOW THE HELL YOU GONNA ASK ME

THOSE STUPID QUESTIONS,

THEN I GET TO THE SECURITY THEY

GONNA TALK ABOUT, "EXCUSE ME

SIR, COULD YOU TAKE OFF YOUR

SHOES?"

I SAID, "WHO GONNA PUT 'EM

BACK ON?"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

[CHEERS AND WHISTLES]

THAT'S FOR REAL, 'CAUSE I'M

GONNA HAVE TO UNBUCKLE MY BELT

AND ROLL MY SOCKS DOWN TO TIE

THEM SUCKERS BACK UP!

I SAID, "WHAT YOU NEED MY SHOES

FOR ANYWAY?"

TALKING ABOUT, "WE GOT CHECK

THEM FOR EXPLOSIVES."

I SAID, "AS HEAVY AS I AM,

WOULDN'T YOU THINK I WOULD,

IF I HAD BOMBS IN MY SHOES,

THEY WOULD HAVE WENT OFF BY

NOW!"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SOON AS I STOOD UP, KA-BOOM!

ANOTHER PLOT FOILED BY THE

FAT DUDE.

I MEAN PEOPLE KILL ME ABOUT

YOU BEING A BIG GUY.

THEY ALWAYS ASK ME DUMB

QUESTIONS "DO YOU WANT TO BE

FAT?"

"OH YES, YES, I DO.

I WANT TO SWEAT FOR NO REASON."

EVERY TIME I BREATHE, THEY SAY,

"WHY YOU BREATHIN' SO HARD?"

"SO I CAN LIVE, WHAT KIND OF..."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WHAT KIND OF QUESTION IS THAT?

I GOT A BIG BODY.

I GOT TO GET OXYGEN ALL UP IN

HERE, YA KNOW.

YOU KNOW, I BROKE UP WITH THIS

GIRL SHE GONNA TALK ABOUT,

"WAKE UP, YOU'RE SNORING."

I SAID, "THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE

SUPPOSED TO DO WHEN YOU SLEEP.

NOW IF I SNORE WHILE I WAS

AWAKE, I'D BE A LITTLE TOO

HEAVY."

I GOT A COUSIN, LIKE HE A

LITTLE BIGGER THAN ME, HE BE

SNORING WHILE HE AWAKE,

TALKING ABOUT, [SNORING NOISE]

[LAUGHTER]

I SAY, "YOU ASLEEP?"

"UN-HUH."

"WHAT THE HELL WRONG WITH YOU?"

"YOU GOING TO SLEEP IN

SECTIONS OR SOMETHING?"

OH, YOU'RE KILLING ME,

YOU KNOW.

YEAH, LIKE I REALLY WANT TO BE

FAT, EVERY TIME I GET IN

THE CAR AND THEY ALL JUST,

"PLEASE PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT FOR

SAFETY."

SO I GOTTA TRY TO PUT IT ON,

SEEM LIKE THE SEATBELT DON'T

WANT TO GO AROUND ME.

I GOT TO PULL IT DOWN.

AND IT WANT, DON'T GO ALL THE

WAY SO I LET IT GO BACK,

ROLL IT DOWN, ALMOST GET A

LITTLE BIT CLOSER.

GOT TO LET IT GO BACK ONE MORE

TIME...

FINALLY I GET IT CLICKED, THEY

TALKING ABOUT "WE'RE HERE!"

OH, I...

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

[CHEERS AND WHISTLES]

BUT PEOPLE CRACK ME UP,

THEY ALL SAY, "YOU, YOU GONNA

DIE FAT."

HEY, I AIN'T AFRAID TO DIE FAT.

THAT'S MY PALL BEARERS WORRY.

THEY GONNA HAVE TO CARRY ME,

"JESUS [BLEEP]!

YOU SURE WE ON THE PROGRAM?"

"YEAH, ALL 52 OF US ON

THE PROGRAM.

WHOO, HE STILL HEAVY, IS IT

TWO PEOPLE IN HERE?

MY GOD PUT HIM DOWN, JESUS!

WHY HE HAVE TO DIE ON MY DAY

OFF?

WE GOT TO-- LIGHTEN THE LOAD,

TAKE YOUR SHOES OFF, OR

SOMETHING.

HAVE TO CUT HIS BUTT IN HALF

AND COME BACK FOR THE REST OF

HIS ASS LATER."

[LAUGHTER]

I'D HATE TO DIE AND GO TO

HEAVEN AND STILL BE FAT THOUGH.

BE A FAT ANGEL, WALK AROUND

WITH A LITTLE BITTY WING.

OTHER ANGELS TEASE YOU,

"LAVELL, FLY UP HERE WITH US."

I SAY, "MAN, YOU KNOW I CAN'T

FLY UP THERE WITH Y'ALL.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU KNOW I SPRAINED MY WING

LAST WEEK TRYING TO FLY UP

THERE."

TWO WEEKS LATER I'M WALKING

AROUND I HAVE NO WINGS,

AND Y'ALL TALKING ABOUT,

"WHERE YOUR WINGS AT?"

"MAN, I GOT HUNGRY LAST NIGHT

AND FRIED THEM SUCKERS UP."

WHAT'S UP YOU GUYS? IT'S SO GOOD TO SEE YOU.

AH, IT'S BEEN SO LONG,HOW HAVE YOU BEEN?

SWEET!

[LAUGHTER]SO YOU GUYS UH I'VE ALWAYS

IMAGINED THE AFRICAN NATIONOF CHAD TO SORT OF BE THIS

FENCED OFF AREA AND THEN WHENYOU WALK IN THERE'S REALLY

NOTHING AFRICAN ABOUT IT.

IT'S JUST THIS WHITE DUDE INA SWEATER VEST.

LIKE, "HEY WHAT'S UP?

IT'S ME CHAD.

WELCOME TO MY AFRICAN NATION.

WE'RE JUST MESSING WITH THEPLAY STATION IN THE BACK.

YOU WANT A SNAPPLE?""TRY NOT TO GO OUTSIDE THE

FENCED OFF AREA.

IT'S [BLEEP] CRAZY!"[LAUGHTER]

YOU GUYS LIKE TO DANCE IN THEMIRROR AT ALL?

ANYONE DANCE IN THE MIRROR?

[CHEERS]YEAH.

SAME.

SAME.

ANYWAYS, I WAS DANCING IN THEMIRROR THE OTHER DAY BUT NOT

LIKE DANCING IN THE MIRRORLIKE DANCING IN THE MIRROR,

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

LIKE, WHOOO, LIKE♪ DANCING IN THE MIRROR

♪ DANCING AND ALL OF SUDDEN I FREEZE,

RIGHT, AND I'M LIKE, "OHMY GOD, WHAT IF THIS IS A

TWO-WAY MIRROR?

[LAUGHTER]AND THE GOVERNMENT IS WATCHING

ME?"SO I KEEP COOL RIGHT,

I STEP BACK, LOOK IN, I GO,"I KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE.

ENJOYING THE SHOW, GOVERNMENT?

AND OF COURSE RIGHT AT THEMOMENT I HEAR...

"AHEM!"AND I TURN AND MY ROOMMATE'S

STANDING RIGHT IN THE DOORWAY.

[LAUGHTER]SO I'M LIKE NO BIG DEAL,

GOT IT, GOT IT.

AND I TURN AROUND AND I GO,"GOTCHA!"

AND HE GOES, "WHAT?"AND I GO, "QUIT BEING A DICK!"

AND RUN OUT CRYING.

YOU GUYS KNOW HOW THAT IS.

AND OF COURSE IT WAS RIGHT ATTHAT MOMENT THAT HE TOOK OUT HIS

WALKIE TALKIE AND WAS LIKE,"HE'S STARTING TO SUSPECT."

[LAUGHTER]

YOU GUYS, I FIRST SUSPECTED THATMY FATHER WAS GAY WHEN I ASKED

HIM TO PICK A NUMBER BETWEENONE AND 10 AND HE WAS ALL,

"I'M GAY!"YEAH.

THAT'S WHEN I FIRST GREWSUSPICIOUS.

MY DAD HATES THAT JOKE.

MY MOM THINKS IT'S REALLY FUNNYTHOUGH.

[LAUGHTER]EVERY TIME I COME HOME NOW,

"WHERE'S YOUR GAY DAD?""GAY DAD'S IN THE KITCHEN!"

THAT'S NOT HOW MY MOM TALKS,SORRY MOM.

[WHISPERS] YES, IT IS.

[LAUGHTER]ANYWAYS UH, YOU GUYS I WAS OUT

AT A DANCE CLUB DANCING AS IMENTIONED I LIKE TO DANCE SO

IT'S TOTALLY LINKING TOGETHERNOW.

I WAS OUT DANCING AND THIS JUSTRIDICULOUS SMOKING HOT GIRL

COMES UP AND STARTS DANCINGLIKE NEAR ME AND I WAS LIKE,

OKAY DON'T EVEN TRIP,IT'S KIND OF COOL.

AND THEN SHE STARTS MOVING INCLOSER, KIND OF LIKE FREAKING UP

ON ME AND I'M LIKE, OH MY GOD!

THAT IS GOOD, DON'T EVEN WORRYABOUT IT, WE'RE DANCING.

AND THEN SHE LEANS IN ANDSHE'S LIKE, "LET'S GET OUT OF

HERE."

AND I'M LIKE, "OH MY GOD, YES,YES, YES, WE'RE LEAVING."

AND I TAKE HER HAND AND SHE LIKEWEAVES THROUGH THE CLUB AND WE

GO OUT INTO THE ALLEYWAY AND SHETHROWS ME UP AGAINST THE WALL

AND WE START MAKING OUT.

AND THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN HERTONGUE SHOOTS INTO MY MOUTH

AND OUT THE BACK OF MY HEADAND I'M ALL, [TSKS] "SPECIES!

[LAUGHTER]I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN IT WAS

TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE.

YOU'RE MUCH TOO GOOD LOOKINGFOR ME SPECIES."

ALL RIGHT, YOU GUY'S MY NAME ISANDY, HAVE A GOOD NIGHT.