February 9, 2016 - Bill Cosby Drama & 2016 Presidential Race

  • 02/09/2016

A TV series depicts the Bill Cosby trial, and Larry chats about colorful aspects of the presidential race with Triumph the Insult Comic Dog, Rory Albanese and Mike Yard.

Yes!Welcome to The Nightly Show!

Please. Oh, thank you so much.

I am... I am Larry Wilmore.

-(whoops) to you, too.-MAN: Yeah!

Uh, Triumph, the InsultComic Dog, here tonight.

(cheering and applause)

Because we're gonna be doing

some searingpolitical commentary,

so we got to bring in the dog.Got to bring in the dog.

Well, guys, it is the nightof the New Hampshire primaries.

You know what that means.Well, actually, we don't,

because the results aren't inyet, 'cause we're taping this

ahead of time. But that's notgonna stop us from checking in

with what's happeningwith the Unblackening.

(dramatic music playing)

(humming)

Uh, that's my favorite song,actually.

It's been a tough weekfor the Clintons, you guys.

There have been rumblingsthat the campaign is in trouble.

Bill was onstage today.Now, over the years,

there have been a lot of jokesabout him not...

not being that familiarwith the truth, let's say. Hmm?

Well, okay, guys,this is one of the few times

I think he kept it 100.

Sometimes,when I'm on a stage like this,

I wish we weren't married.

What?

Oh...

snap.

Hmm...(clears throat)

I mean, usually, he just screamsthat to himself in the car,

right?

Okay, that's not fair.That's not fair.

Play the whole thing.

Tonight, my jobis to introduce Hillary.

Sometimes,when I'm on a stage like this,

I wish we weren't married.

Then I could saywhat I really think.

And I don't mean thatin a negative way. I'm happy.

I think I'm more confused now.

I don't know what to believeafter that.

That's a very dangerous wayto go this close

to Valentine's Day.

Oh. And that wasn't Bill'sonly misstep on the trail.

Here's what he said yesterdaywhen talking about the trolling

of Hillary supportersby people claiming

to be Bernie supporters.

People who have gone on-onlineto defend Hillary

and explain, just explain,why they supported her

have been subjectto vicious trolling

and attacks that areliterally too profane, often--

not to mention sexist...

Slow down,Brawny Paper Towel Guy.

Mm.

Mm. Yeah.

Well...

Ironically, he is the quickerpicker-upper, actually.

Um, yeah,I'm not sure you're the one

who should be wagging his fingerabout sexism.

Uh, that'd be like Trump givinga lecture on having big hands.

It'd be impossible,because he has baby hands!

Google it! All right.

But it's not just Bill.The Hillary campaign

has been having some issues

with severalof its surrogates lately.

Take a look at feminist iconGloria Steinem talking

about whyall those young hussies

are flocking to Bernie Sanders.

And when you're young,you're thinking, you know,

"Where are the boys?"The boys are with Bernie.

So, young womenare only interested

in the Bernie campaignfor that sweet "D"?

By "D," I mean "democraticsocialist," you guys.

-H... Oh, that's...-(applause)

that's what you applaud?Oh, God.

"Yes!

Give us some more 'D,'Larry, yes!"

Excuse me, but women have agency

and can maketheir own decisions.

I can't believeI have to man... I have to

man-splain this to Gloria Steinem!

This is ridiculous.

And it gets worsein Clinton's surrogate land.

Here's former Secretary of StateMadeleine Albright

stumping for Hillaryat a New Hampshire event.

And you have to help.

Hillary Clintonwill always be there for you.

And just remember,

there's a special place in hell

for womenwho don't help each other.

(cheering and applause)

Ooh.

So, if a woman feels the Bern,

it's actually the fires of hell?

Uh, how does that...

That doesn't make...

Ah...

Well, if there'sa special place in hell

for women who don't helpeach other, why did no one come

to the aid of a certain22-year-old intern back in 1998?

Hmm? Snap.

(chuckles)

What's interesting is Albrighthas used this hell line before,

but while in the pastshe's used it as a rallying cry,

now she's using it to divide.

Well, to find out ifthere really is a special place

in hell, we're going liveto hell itself, you guys, okay?

So please welcome hell-basedtour guide, Rebecca Harris.

(cheering and applause)

Great to be here, Larry!

Hi. So, is there reallya special place in hell

for womenwho don't help each other?

Oh, yeah, Larry.There's going to be a ton

of Bernie supportersdown here soon.

What? W-Wait, is it...

So it's real?It's-it's not a metaphor?

Yeah, but this special placein hell isn't just for women

who don't support Hillary.It's actually all

for the evil womenwho defy society's

very clearly defined rules.

Oh, come on.Come on. That's crazy.

When was this place created?

When women were created.We've been screwing up

ever since we were takenfrom Adam's rib.

But don't take my word for it.Ask Eve.

Eve?

Oh, my God.

Hey, Larry.

Uh...

Hold on, Eve. You're black?

Oh, come on, Larry.

I'm black, Jesus was black,the devil's white.

Get over it.

I didn't know.

I didn't know that. You, um...

you've got... you've got quitethe '70s bush there, uh, Eve.

Just sayin'. It's pretty...

-It's comin' back, Larry.Trust me. -Okay. I'm sorry.

Okay, so, Eve,why are you in hell?

Aren't you the motherof civilization?

Yeah. But I ate an applefrom the tree of knowledge.

Apparently, women aren'tsupposed to have knowledge.

Uh, besides, when'sthe last time you told a woman

what she can and cannot eat?

-I would never suggestdoing such a thing. -Exactly.

(plane crashing)

Slide over, ladies!Make room for Amelia Earhart!

Wait a minute.

Oh, my God.

All you did was...all you did was fly a plane.

Why is there a special placein hell for you?

Oh, yeah, she really deservesto be here.

Yes, I attempted greatness,Larry!

And as we all know,only men are great.

In the 1930s, a woman's placewas in the kitchen,

not in the air.

This is... I can't believethis place exists.

This is terrible.

Oh, it's really, uh...really not all so bad, Larry.

Oh, wait, hold on a second.Let me guess.

You're Joan of Arcor Frida Kahlo.

Nope, nope, nope.Just Cheryl Tompkins, CPA.

Wait. You're just a normal lady?

Why are you there?

Well, I'm in my 40s,

um, chose not to get marriedor have kids,

mostly just focused on my careerand traveled a lot.

I had a really great,happy life.

-Which is why I deserveto be here. -Mm-hmm.

She's oneof our worst offenders, Larry.

This... this is horrible.

Rebecca, the punishmentdoesn't fit the crimes,

especially because thesearen't even crimes!

I mean, who's next,Maya Angelou?

Actually, Madeleine Albright.There's a real special place

in hell for a womanwho doesn't support women

who make their own damn choices.

Wow. Rebecca Harris,

Cheryl Tompkins, Amelia Earhart,and Eve, everybody!

-We'll be right back! Wow!-(cheering and applause)

Hi, I'm Holly Walker,keeping black history 100

for The Nightly Show.

Gone with the Wind actress Hattie McDaniel

was the first black actor to win an Oscar.

And, fun fact,she was also barred

from attendingthe movie premiere.

And the awardfor most (bleep) goes to 1939.

Happy Black History Month!

Welcome back.

Now, you know,I was watching, uh...

I was watching Super Bowl 50on Sunday,

and I had the same thoughtthat I'm sure most of you did.

Hey, that's the number of women

who have accused Bill Cosbyof rape!

(laughter and groaning)

That's right mother (bleep),I haven't forgotten about you!

-(applause and cheering)-All right.

What's the latest?

In the sexual assault case

against the entertainerBill Cosby,

a judge ruled the case can,in fact, go forward.

-Good.-(applause and cheering)

All right.

That judge hasn'tforgotten about you,

-either, mother (bleep).-(laughter)

But today,there was a piece of bad news.

A judge threw outa defamation lawsuit filed

by Janice Dickinson,one of his alleged victims.

But again, let's keep in mind

the silver liningin all of this,

and that's that these women arefinally getting an opportunity

to tell their stories.

Now, but the biggest updateon the Cos is

that the series FX hasin the works.

I don't know if you guys haveheard of this, but, um, okay,

apparently, uh, The People...

You know, The People v. O.J. Simpson: American Crime Story.

You know this, right? Okay.Premiered last week.

It was such a hit, you guys,

that FX has already goneinto production

on a follow-up seriesabout Cosby.

-Not making this up.-(audience groaning)

Lucky for you, The Nightly Show got some exclusive footage.

(audience murmurs, claps)

Hmm? Here's a sneak peek.

(laughter)

Uh, Mr. Cosby,we're your lawyers.

I think you knowwhy we've called this meeting.

Of course, I do.Because I did the ludes, and

the so-called raping, thenthe licking and the bah, bah.

And the spewing and the fluids,you know, all over the place.

Well, well, well,talking like that,

uh, in a depositionis not a good idea.

Yeah, we're gonna needa really good defense,

a story you can stick to.

My story is that I had a hitTV show, and I danced,

and I went, bah, bah,bah, boom, boo, boo.

Boo. That's how we openedthe show. It was amazing.

-That's my show.-MAN: Um, how about this?

Michael Jackson,Mike Tyson and you.

-Mm-hmm. -What do all threeof you have in common?

COSBY:Mah!

Come on now! We did the allegedraping with the ludes.

I did my knock 'em down,I did the putting...

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

You're all successful black men.

-COSBY: Yes.-Okay?

Systematically taken down

because white Americacouldn't stomach it.

-Just like O.J.-COSBY: Yes.

Like O.J., the Simpson,not the juice. Bah.

Mr. Cosby, it's a conspiracy,a race-based conspiracy.

COSBY:Correct.

Cappuccino?

I mean, I may regret this,

but that doesn't look delicious,right?

I could use a little afternoonpick-me-up. I mean...

-Yeah. Milk. -Oh, look at that.Come on.

He's putting sugar or whateverthat is in it. It's fine.

There you go, young man.Have a sip. Bah!

-Go! Go! -Uh, maybe these womenwere paid to bring you down.

Hmm? Maybe they entrapped you.

Yes. You were just tryingto mentor them.

-You're the real victim.-Good.

-COSBY: That's exactly right.-MAN: Yes!

And then, I did the allegedsucking on the toes,

and the woos-woos and, uh, andthe licking of the pudding pop.

-Bah, bah, bah.-(whooshing)

Smoothie? Hmm?

-I probably shouldn't.-Bah!

But I did skip lunch, so maybejust have a little... Mmm!

Delicious?Is that a banana?

Well, there's some bananaand some ludes.

You know, the secret isin the ludes.

And that is a great exampleof things

we should definitely not sayduring a deposition.

Agreed, Counsel. Uh, we needto be more specific here.

Let's think of some white groupsthat would hate you the most.

THEDE:Yes.

Hate, yes.

White liberals.

Correctamundo.

That is exactly true.

White liberals hate

when you tell black teensto pull their pants up.

-Yes.-COSBY: Ugh.

This is precisely

what I've been tryingto tell you all this time.

And these belt-aphobesare trying to take you down

because you tell teensto pull their pants up.

That's right.This can work. I like this.

-Yeah.-(whirring)

Snow cone?

Oh, that's a fun surprise.

Yes!

Don't mind if I do.

-Really can't seewhy I wouldn't. -COSBY: Oh.

To the Cosbyand the getting off,

and not in the sexual way,but in the legal way. Bah!

Oh!

Cosby, you did it again.

Bah! Bur.

Ooh.

(laughter and applause)

Looks like some goodbinge-watching.

We'll be right back.

Welcome back.I'm here with my panel.

First up, Nightly Show contributor Rory Albanese.

(applause and cheering)

And Nightly Show contributorMike Yard.

(applause and cheering)

And you can see him right now in Triumph's Election Special 2016

on Hulu, producedby Funny Or Die--

Triumph the Insult Comic Dog.

(applause and cheering)

For everyone at home,join our conversation

right now on Twitter

@NightlyShow usingthe hashtag #Tonightly.

Okay, so we don't havethe results in

from New Hampshire yet.

I'm sure peoplewho are watching it, you do.

But, well, look,we're going to talk about

what we do knowabout the candidates so far.

This thing happened with Trump,I think it was yesterday.

It was a recent rally, where oneof his supporters said this,

and then he repeated it.Can we show 'em?

She said... I never expectto hear that from you again.

She said he's a pussy.That's terrible.

-(applause and cheering)-Terrible.

(laughter)

Okay, so, my question isto you guys,

if Trump wins tonight,

can we just officially sayhe's our next president?

-No. -TRIUMPH: Larry?-WILMORE: Yes.

Donald Trump, even if he getsthe nomination...

-WILMORE: Mm-hmm.-At some point,

he might haveto go through Bernie Sanders.

-Yeah? -And nothing getsthrough Bernie Sanders

unless he just drank a vatof Dulcolax.

-(laughter)-Oh, (bleep). Wow. -Exactly.

-Fair point, Triumph. That's afair point. -TRIUMPH: Exactly.

-Yeah. WILMORE: Yeah, yeah. Hewould definitely feel the Bern

-if that was the case, right?-Mm-hmm, yeah.

-Yeah, little...-Yeah, everyone's screaming,

"Feel the Bern"at the Bernie rallies.

What's the deal?Did everyone (bleep) Lassie?

(laughter and groaning)

-You see, because...-YARD: What is he trying

-to say about Lassie? -Lassie'sa whore. -I have no idea.

Look, it's a noted factthat Lassie had a lot of STDs.

-I got to go... Noted fact.-TRIUMPH: Exactly.

-Thank you, Rory, for backing meup. -Did Lassie get around?

-Yeah. -WILMORE: I don't know,but seriously, guys,

can Trump keepgetting away with this?

Is-is it goingto start turning around?

I've never seen a candidatetalk like that on stage,

and his numbers go up.

ALBANESE:I mean, I don't know.

You know, like,weird stuff happens.

Like, Dick Cheney shot a guyin the face.

-You know, like, things happen.-Exactly.

-WILMORE: Yeah.-People stay in power.

I don't know. Trump's...

TRIUMPH: Some people just havethat star power.

-WILMORE: Yeah.-Yeah, it's true.

-Like Dick Cheney.-ALBANESE: Yeah, they do.

WILMORE: All right, let's talkabout Hillary for a second,

'cause, uh, I feel likeshe's trotting out

women now to tryto make her case for women,

which is bizarre,'cause I never saw Obama

bringing out black people,saying,

"Come on, black people.Look, black people!

-Vote for me!"-(laughter)

Yeah, because, great.Bringing out black people

-is a great way to get elected.-YARD: Oh.

-Yeah? -I can say itbecause I'm a black entertainer!

(laughter, applause)

WILMORE:All right. Yeah?

-Seriously.-YARD: I mean, you got a point.

I tell you, Hillary got to have

the highest self-esteemever, man.

-WILMORE: Yeah?-In the history of the world,

because every day,

she got to hear how many peopledon't like her.

-WILMORE: I know. I know.-Women don't like you.

Young people don't like you.

-Men don't like you. You don'tlike... -WILMORE: Yeah.

TRIUMPH: I don't knowwhy women don't like her.

I mean, damn! I got booed

off the stage one time, and Idamn near killed myself.

-She is strong. -(laughter)-WILMORE: No, that's resilient.

-She's a better man than me.-ALBANESE: Very good point.

-(applause) -YARD:She's a better man than me.

-ALBANESE: Very good point.-That is resilient.

Okay, Triumph, is there...is there any...

Do you thinkthere's any validation

in sexist claims of...of the hate towards Hillary?

Do you thinkthat's bull (bleep)?

-The hate towards Hillary?-WILMORE: Mm-hmm.

I don't knowwhy women would hate Hillary.

You'd think they'd like herjust based on the fact

that she dresseslike a lesbian lion tamer.

-WILMORE: Oh, my God.-YARD: Oh, (bleep).

-A lesbian lion tamer?-YARD: A lesbian lion tamer?!

WILMORE:How do...? It...

-That's what the script says.-(laughter)

-I believe you.-Wait, we're allowed

-to this thing? -Yeah.-When you got a Jew up your ass,

-you've got a differentset of rules. -WILMORE: Oh.

Keep reading.Keep reading, bitch.

WILMORE: I've just never heardthose words put together--

-lesbian lion tamer.-YARD: A lesbian lion tamer.

-ALBANESE: Yeah.-WILMORE: That was awesome.

Do you think, uh, do you thinkif Hillary wins the nomination,

though, young womenwill rally around her?

I mean, I thinkyoung women who don't want

-Trump to be president...-(bleep)

This whole-this whole electionis gonna be...

if Trump gets the nomination,the whole thing is gonna

be like, "All hands on deck!"You know what I mean?

Like, whatever it takes.Like, I just feel like

that's when you got to start,like, digging up graves

and, like, dead people vote.You got to do whatever it takes.

'Cause, like, that...that guy can't be president.

It's not okay, it's not okay.

-It's just not allowed.-(cheering, applause)

-WILMORE: Okay...-Clap, clap, clap.

I think Hillary can getthousands of women

to show up anywhereas long as she

texts themfrom Bill Clinton's phone.

YARD:Oh, that's...

(howls)

So then she ain'tgot nothing to worry about.

-ALBANESE: I don't know, man.-I don't know.

I... Watching Bill Clintonearlier, it appears like

-he's using the jitterbug now.-YARD: Yeah, that's horrible.

I don't know if he's textinganybody anymore.

He seems tired, he's dressedlike a lumberjack.

I don't think he's doing itanymore.

I just don't think he's doingit... I don't think...

I think he's out the game.He's out the game.

He's out of the game, man.Any time you put on

the full lumberjack,you're kind of done.

-Yeah. -I know.-You know what I mean?

-YARD: He's putting on Hillary'sclothes. -I got to get...

I got to get Triumph'sreaction on Rubio, okay?

-Rubio's been...-TRIUMPH: Rubio.

Yeah, I got to show you this.I don't know why,

he's been using...People call him a robot

'cause he keeps sayingthe same things over and over.

But there's one phrasehe says that really disturbs.

And we talked about thisthe other day,

but can you show that?

...insure that our childrengrow up with the values

that they teach in our church,not the values

being rammed down our throatby Hollywood.

The values they tryto ram down our throats

in the popular culture.

They keep tryingto ram down our throat....

...ram down our throats...

...ram down our... throats.

You are not gonna be ableto ram down the throat...

The president should not beramming down the throat

of the American people.

I'm not gonna ram it downanyone's throat.

-TRIUMPH: It's fine.-He said it again today.

-He said it today. Okay...-TRIUMPH: I'm good with it.

I say bring it on, Rubio,I'm used to sucking on Cubans.

The guy's got Cuban blood,what can you say?

You know how those guys are.

-Do I have to bring upDesi Arnaz? -WILMORE: Uh...

TRIUMPH: Anybody know...Seriously, the half hour

-they taped I Love Lucy... -WILMORE: Yeah?

...was the only time of dayher mouth wasn't full.

-YARD: Oh.-Oh, my God.

All right.

Look, I'm not gonna lie,not the most topical reference,

-but very funny. That was funny.-Thank you.

-Everyone you were talking...-Lucy's an icon! Come on!

-We'll be able to do...-Everyone you insulted is dead.

-Come on.-Lucy is an icon,

we'll be able to doblow job jokes with Lucy

100 years from now.

-Don't say that about Lucy.-You're the pro, you're the pro.

Hey, one last questionto Triumph.

Okay, people are talkinga lot about authenticity

-in this election, right?-Authenticity.

Now, you were on the campaigntrail, you have your special

on Hulu, right?So who passed the smell test

according to you?

Yes, I was out on the road, uh,

following all the candidatesfor my new special on Hulu.

-Yes. -(man whoops)-Uh, thank you.

-Hulu. -Yes.-ALBANESE: A lot of Hulu fans.

That's right, Hulu-- all yourfavorite shows from network

with the samecommercials you love.

-All right, who's...-Sorry, sorry.

-Who's the most authentic?-The smell test.

-Yes, the smell test.-They all failed.

Not one candidatesmelled like poop.

You would think Chris Christie'sa shoo-in, right?

-YARD: Oh, (bleep).-Oh, God.

I think the guy must run througha car wash a couple times a day

when no one's looking.

Uh... well,I can tell you Jeb Bush--

he... I saw him on the trail andI can tell you he is authentic.

-He really is that pathetic.-WILMORE: Mm-hmm.

All right.

All right, every...All right, everybody...

-YARD: How many cigars you got?-I know.

-We'll be right back.-This is the last one.

ANNOUNCER: If you live in the New York City area

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Thanks to my panelistsRory Albanese and Mike Yard

and Triumphthe Insult Comic Dog.

We're almost out of time.Before we go,

-I'm gonna keep it 100.-♪

Keeping it 100.

Tonight's questionis from @5280tilidie, okay?

They ask "Lady Gaga'sNational Anthem

or Beyoncé's 'Formation'?"Keep it 100.

-Ooh. -Oh. -Mm. -Ooh.

Well, they said I could get introuble with the BeyHive.

-I don't know.Here's the thing, though... -Oh.

Here's the thing. Beyoncé--she's done it before.

-Feels like tea. -No, hold on.-Yeah, that's tea.

-She was with...-No, you are weak.

...she was with other people.Lady Gaga killed it.

-Lady Gaga crushed it on herown. -Weak. -Weak. -Weak.

I'm going with Lady Gaga.

All right, thanks for watching.

Don't forget to ask me your KeepIt 100 questions on Twitter.

No! I said the truth.I kept it 100.

Good Nightly, everyone!I kept that 100.

It was Lady Gaga.Oh, my God.

MAN: Ooh, sorry.