Comedy Central Presents
Season 5

CC Presents: Maria Bamford

  • Season 5, Ep 2
  • 07/01/2001

YOU GUYS ROCK.

HOLY COW.

THIS IS MY FIRST TIME IN

NEW YORK, SO THIS IS AWESOME.

THIS IS HOW IT ALWAYS IS?

AW, MAN.

UM.

I'M, UM, I'M FROM A LITTLE

LAKE PICWAM, MINNESOTA.

(CROWD CHEERING)

I'D LIKE TO SEND A LITTLE SHOUT

OUT TO ALL ME PEEPS.

LITTLE LAKE PICWAM.

MINNWESOINA HIS AT.

UM.

AH, YEAH.

I JUST MOVED ACTUALLY TO

LOS ANGELES AND I SOMETIMES

I STILL GET A LITTLE HOME SICK.

AND THAT'S WHEN I LIKE TO PUT ON

MY LED ZEPPLIN CD, PLUG IN MY

CURLING IRON, AND JUST GET FULL

ON, BALLS TO THE WALL, PRETTY.

(LAUGHTER)

YEAH.

OH, BUT IT IS HARD IN L.A.,

THOUGH.

THE STANDARDS.

WHERE I COME FROM I AM A

GODDESS.

(LAUGHTER)

I JUST SLAP ON SOME BLUE EYE

SHADOW AND I HEAD OUT.

(LAUGHTER)

L.A.

IT'S HARD THOUGH, YOU KNOW?

IT USE TO BE IN L.A., YOU USE TO

HAD TO BE SKINNY.

I GOT THAT DOWN, THOUGH,

YOU KNOW?

NOW IT'S LIKE YOU GOT TO HAVE

MUSCLE TONE, THOUGH.

SO IT'S ALL I'M TIRED AND HUNGRY

AND I HAVE TO GO WORK OUT.

(LAUGHTER)

PRETTY SOON, I BET IT'S GOING

TO BE IMPOSSIBLE.

YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO BE

MORBIDLY OBESE, WHILE

MAINTAINING THOSE TINY LITTLE

TWEETY BIRD ANKLES AND A

WANDERING EYE.

(LAUGHTER)

MY MANAGER, HE GOT ME A

SUBSCRIPTION TO SOME LADIES

MAGAZINES, SO I COULD GET SOME

BEAUTY TIPS.

AND IT TURNS OUT I NEED ONLY ONE

MAGAZINE 'CAUSE THEY HAVE THE

SAME ARTICLE EVERY MONTH.

THOSE OF LIKE "30 WAYS TO SHAPE

UP FOR SUMMER."

(GIGGLES)

"NUMBER ONE- EAT LESS.

NUMBER TWO- EXERCISE MORE.

NUMBER THREE-- NUMBER THREE"...

WHAT WAS I TALKING ABOUT?

(LAUGHTER)

I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.

I THINK EVERYBODY DESERVES

TO HAVE YOUR OWN MAGAZINE WHERE

YOU'RE IN EVERY PICTURE, LOOKING

SUPERFINE, AND EVERY ARTICLE IS

ASKING YOU HOW YOU CAN POSSIBLY

MAINTAIN YOUR PERFECT 32 AA

32 INCH WAIST.

(LAUGHTER)

32 AA, CAN I GET A WITNESS FORM

MY GIRLFRIENDS IN JAPAN, COME

ON.

(LAUGHTER)

YEAH, IT IS TRUE ABOUT THE

32 AA.

THERE EXQUISITE RARE MINIATURES.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

I ACTUALLY THOUGHT ABOUT GETTING

BREASTS IMPLANTS, BECAUSE I AM A

RADICAL MILITANT FEMINIST AND A

HYPOCRITE IT TURNS OUT.

(LAUGHTER)

LIKE MY NEIGHBOR, SHE HAS THEM

AND, BUT SHE HAS THEM FOR WORK

BECAUSE SHE'S IN PORN.

I USE TO LOOK DOWN ON THAT

STUFF.

YOU KNOW?

BUT I REALIZED I'M JUST JEALOUS

BECAUSE NO ONE HAS EVER OFFERED

ME MONEY TO HAVE SEX.

SURE LIKE A BUD LIGHT AND A

BASKET OF CURLY FRIES,

BUT NOT CASH.

THAT HURTS.

(LAUGHTER)

THERE'S ALSO LIKE THESE

DOCUMENTARIES ON TV WHERE

THEY'LL HAVE SOME WOMAN NAMED

JUICE BOX SAYING HOW GREAT

THE SEX INDUSTRY IS.

"I WASN'T ABUSED AS A CHILD,

I DON'T DO DRUGS, I JUST LOVE

SEX.

I'M JUST A VERY SEXUAL PERSON.

AND WORKING IN AN UNREGULATED

INDUSTRY THAT PROVIDES NO LEGAL

RECOURSE SHOULD I BE REPEATEDLY

VICTIMIZED, GOD IT MAKES ME FEEL

HOT.

(LAUGHTER)

MY ACT.

MY MOM TOLD ME, SHE SAID,

"MARIA, IF A BOY DOESN'T LIKE

YOU, OK, IT IS JUST BECAUSE HE

IS INTIMIDATED BY YOUR BEAUTY,

BECAUSE YOU ARE THE MOST

BEAUTIFUL GIRL IN THE WHOLE

WORLD.

AND IF YOU WOULD STOP DOING

IMPERSONATION OF ME MAYBE OTHER

PEOPLE COULD SEE THAT."

(LAUGHTER)

I HAD A HARD TIME WHEN I FIRST

MOVED TO L.A.

I HAD LIKE SHOW BIZ TYPES.

LIKE MY AGENT WAS JUST LIKE,

SHE'S LIKE, "MARIA, WHEN I FIRST

MET YOU I WAS CONCERNED I WAS

GOING TO BE ANNOYED BY YOU.

BECAUSE YOU HAVE A HIGH,

GRADING, CHILDLIKE VOICE.

(LAUGHTER)

AND YOU NEED TO KNOW THAT ABOUT

YOURSELF."

MY OWN VOICE DOESN'T COMMAND

THE RESPECT AND THE ATTENTION

THAT I BELIEVE I DESERVE.

YOU KNOW?

I GO INTO A SHOP AND I'LL BE

LIKE, "HI. EXCUSE ME.

CAN I GET SOME--

"OH, NO LITTLE GIRL, WE'RE NOT

SERVING LITTLE GIRLS TODAY."

BUT IF I GO ON AND BE LIKE,

"HI.

WHAT'S YOUR NAME?"

CINDY?

"CINDY, I NEED TO SPEAK WITH

YOUR MANAGER.

THANKS A LOT SWEETHEART."

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

MARIA>> WHEN I WAS A KID,

I LIKED TO MIMIC COMMERCIALS

A LOT.

AND THERE'S THIS GREAT

COMMERCIAL OUT RIGHT NOW WHERE

IT'S FOR MAKEUP.

AND IT'S MELANIE GRIFFITH

AND SHE'S GETTING ALL MAD.

SHE'S LIKE, SHE'S LIKE,

"DON'T DENY YOUR AGE, DEFY IT."

(LAUGHTER)

IT'S LIKE, TAKING ON THE BEAUTY

BUSINESS FROM THE INSIDE.

YOU GO 'WORKING GIRL.'

I WANT, I WANT TO DO ONE.

I'D BE LIKE, "MY OLD LIP COLOR

COULD BARELY KEEP UP WITH MY

BUSY SCHEDULE.

OH, AND THE TIME IT TAKES TO

NOTICE THE WIDE DISCREPANCY

BETWEEN MY SALARY AND THAT OF MY

MALE PEERS I WOULD HAVE TO

REAPPLY.

OH, AND THE SECONDS TO COUNT

THE NUMBER OF WOMAN IN HIGH

POLITICAL OFFICES SEATED ON

CORPORATED EXECUTIVE BOARDS AND

FEATURED IN FILM AND TELEVISION

OF THE AGE OF FORTY.

MY LIP COLOR WOULD BE AS

INVISIBLE AS THIS GLASS CEILING

ONLY INCHES ABOVE MY HEAD.

(APPLAUSE)

YEAH.

"HEY, BECAUSE I AM WORTH IT.

AND BECAUSE HOLDING MYSELF TO AN

IMPOSSIBLE STANDARD OF BEAUTY,

KEEPS ME FROM STARTING A RIOT."

I LOVE TV.

MY FAVORITE SHOW, I DON'T KNOW

IF YOU GUYS HAVE SEEN THIS ON

E! CELEBRITY HOMES WITH

SUSANNE SENA.

(APPLAUSE)

THAT'S A GREAT SHOW.

THEY'LL HAVE LIKE SOME

TV CELEBRITY.

LIKE MEREDITH BAXTER BERNIE

WALKING AROUND HER CASTLE.

SHE JUST SAYING STUFF LIKE,

"UM, THIS IS THE KITCHEN.

THIS IS WHERE MY HEART IS.

MY HUSBAND AND I, WE DECIDED TO

MOVE TO MALIBU BECAUSE WE JUST

LOVE THE FRESH AIR AND THE

OCEAN.

AND TO WALK OUT TO OUR OWN

PRIVATE BEACH WAS REALLY

IMPORTANT TO US.

(LAUGHTER)

BUT, AH--

LET'S GO TAKE A LOOK AT

THE VIEW."

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

SEE I WANT TO HAVE MY OWN SHOW

CALLED 'COMEDIAN HOMES'.

WE JUST GO TO THE APARTMENTS OF

MY FRIENDS.

"THIS IS THE KITCHEN, THIS IS

WERE THE BATHROOM, THE BEDROOM,

AND THIS IS REALLY WERE THE 400

SQUARE FEET OF MY APARTMENT IS.

(APPLAUSE)

UM, WE, AND WHEN I SAY WE I MEAN

MYSELF AND MY MINIATURE HAMSTER

BENITA, WE DECIDED TO MOVE TO

DOWNTOWN LOS ANGELES,

KOREA TOWN, BECAUSE, THEY DON'T

CHECK YOUR CREDIT REFERENCES AND

THAT WAS REALLY, REALLY

IMPORTANT TO US.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

WE JUST LOVE TO SIT ON THE

FUTON, LOOK THROUGH THE BARS

ON THE WINDOW, AND WATCH THE

HELICOPTERS CIRCLE.

LETS GO TAKE A LOOK AT MY

PARKING SPACE."

BUT I SHOULDN'T GET DOWN ON,

YOU KNOW, WHAT SHE'S SUCCESSFUL

THAT'S GREAT.

MY PARENTS ARE SUPPER

SUCCESSFUL.

MY MOM'S A DOCTOR.

MY DAD'S A DOCTOR.

MY SISTER'S A DOCTOR.

HER HUSBAND'S A DOCTOR.

OH, GUESS I DIDN'T FINISH

COLLEGE?

OH.

NAW, ACTUALLY I FINISHED,

BUT I DIDN'T MEAN IT.

THEY'RE REALLY PROUD OF ME.

I DON'T MEAN TO BRAG, BUT I HAVE

DONE A LOT OF TEMP WORK.

(LAUGHTER)

THEN, I SUPPORT THE LADIES.

I'M A LADIEST.

BUT SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES IT'S

HARD WHEN YOU WORK FOR LIKE A

LADY BOSS.

LIKE ESPECIALLY WHEN SHE TRIES

TO ACT LIKE SHE'S YOUR FRIEND.

CALLS YOU HONEY, AND SWEETHEART

AND "GIRLFRIEND, HEEEYYYYY.

I WANT YOU TO TAKE A BREAK.

TAKE A WALK.

GET ME A LATTE THAT'S 2% MILK.

YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT BY NOW.

(LAUGHTER)

I'M HAVING A PARTY AT MY HOUSE

THIS WEEKEND AND I REALLY WANT

YOU TO COME.

AND MEET SOME REALLY CUTE,

REALLY AVAILABLE MEN AT THE

DOOR.

PARK THEIR CARS, TAKE THEIR

COATS, AND SPEAK ONLY WHEN

SPOKEN TO.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT I SEE US

AS EQUALS, AS PARTNERS.

EVEN THOUGH I EARN, WHAT IS IT,

850% MORE THEN YOU DO.

GET THAT TO ME IN A MEMO, CUZ

I'VE GOT TO GO DRIVE AIMLESSLY

AROUND LOS ANGELES LOOKING FOR

CAVES AND TUNNELS FROM WHERE I

CAN GO CALL YOU FROM MY CELL

PHONE."

(LAUGHTER)

SOMETIMES I GET KIND OF A BAD

ATTITUDE AT WORK.

STOP BEING A TEAM PLAYER.

FORGET WHY I STARTED TEMPING IN

THE FIRST PLACE, WHICH WAS TO

MAKE A DIFFERENCE.

(LAUGHTER)

I REMEMBER ONE DAY, ONE DAY

I WAS SITTING IN THE EMPLOYEE

KITCHEN DRINKING NON-DAIRY

CREAMER STRAIGHT FROM THE

CARTON.

(LAUGHTER)

AND A GIRLFRIEND, SHE CAME UP TO

ME AND SAID, "MARIA, I'VE BEEN

TAKING THIS CLASS THAT'S REALLY

CHANGED MY LIFE.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO COME TONIGHT?

IT'S AT 7:30 PM AT THE

DOUBLETREE SANTA MONICA.

THERE'S NO OBLIGATION.

AND IT'S FREE."

(LONG PAUSE)

"SURE I'LL JOIN YOUR CULT.

(LAUGHTER)

ALWAYS WANTED TO BE IN ONE.

YOU KNOW?

GET TO WEAR A UNIFORM.

HAVE ANY MAJOR LIFE QUESTIONS.

YOU CHECK THE MANUAL.

THERE IS A GOD.

THERE IS A PLAN.

AND THE SPACE SHIP IS COMING."

THEY SAT ME DOWN WITH THE GURU.

SHE SAID, "MARIA WHAT'S

SOMETHING YOU WANT TO MAKE

MANIFEST OUT OF YOUR LIFE?"

"LIKE A NEW CAR."

(LAUGHTER)

"WHAT DO YOU REALLY WANT?"

"A NEW, NEW CAR?"

"WHAT DO YOU REALLY WANT?"

"TOYOTA 4-RUNNER SR-5 LIMITED

LEATHER INTERIOR THAT RUNS ON

DREAMS AND STARLIGHT."

(LAUGHTER)

SHE GOT MAD AT ME BECAUSE I

DIDN'T HAVE THE CASH FOR THE

BRAIN WASH WEEKEND.

"MARIA, LET'S THINK OF ALL THE

WAYS WE CAN GET $495 TONIGHT.

DO YOU HAVE A CHARGE CARD?"

"NOPE."

"DO YOU HAVE SOMETHING YOU CAN

SELL?"

"I BET MY SOUL MIGHT BE WORTH

SOMETHING."

"IS THERE ANYONE YOU CAN BORROW

IT FROM?"

"OH MAN IF YOU COULD SPOT ME?"

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

"MARIA, WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF?"

"BEARS."

"WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF?"

"THE NORTH AMERICAN GRIZZLY."

"WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF?!"

"GOD IT'S.

IT'S WEIRD BECAUSE I'M,

I'M ALMOST AFRAID OF BEING

SUCKED INTO A CRAZY, CREEPY

CULT.

WHY?

WHY AM I SO AFRAID?"

AH, MAN.

SHE SAID I WAS AFRAID OF

SUCCESS.

WHICH MAY IN FACT BE TRUE.

BECAUSE I HAVE A FEELING THAT

FULFILLING MY POTENTIAL WOULD

REALLY CUT INTO MY SITTING

AROUND TIME.

HUSBAND FOR ME.

WITHOUT CEASING CANDLELIGHT

VIGIL 24/7 AT MY REQUEST.

GOT TO GIVE HER SOMETHING TO DO

WITH HER HANDS.

I REALLY, I DO WANT TO GET

MARRIED.

AWW.

IT JUST SOUNDS GRRREAT.

(LAUGHTER)

YOU GET TO GO GROCERY SHOPPING

TOGETHER.

AND RENT VIDEOS.

AND THEN THE KISSING AND THE

HUGGING AND THE KISSING AND

HUGGING UNDERNEATH THE COZY

COVERS.

MMMMMM!

(LAUGHTER)

AW, MAN.

SOMETIMES THOUGH, I'M WORRIED

I'M NOT, SOMETIMES I'M WORRIED

THAT I DON'T WANT TO GET MARRIED

AS MUCH AS I'D LIKE TO BE DIPPED

IN A VAT OF WARM, RISING, BREAD

DOUGH.

(LAUGHTER)

OHHHHH.

THAT FEEL PRETTY GOOD, TOO.

IT'S HARD IN L.A., THOUGH.

'CAUSE, LIKE A LOT OF OLDER GUYS

WILL ASK ME OUT.

LIKE GUYS WHO ARE LIKE 30, 40-

NO, I MEAN, 50 YEARS OLDER.

(LAUGHTER)

IT'S LIKE NOOO, RUMPELSTILTSKIN.

(LAUGHTER)

UH-UH, FATHER TIME.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

I DON'T WANT TO HEAR THAT

BEDTIME STORY, GRANDPA.

(LAUGHTER)

I DID THE INTERNET.

AND THE GREAT THING ABOUT THAT

IS THAT I LEARNED I'M NOT ALONE.

THERE ARE A LOT OF PEOPLE OUT

THERE.

SO MANY PEOPLE.

I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE

(SIGHS)

WHO ENJOYS FINE DINING.

(LAUGHTER)

SUNSET WALKS ON THE BEACH,

ALSO VERY POPULAR.

COME ON PEOPLE GET CREATIVE.

I TRIED ACTUALLY A MATCHMAKING

SERVICE.

CALLED 'IT'S JUST BRUNCH'.

(LAUGHTER)

"IT'S JUST AN EGG DISH AND A

BANANA NUT MUFFIN."

THAT'S MY DATING COUNCILOR C.J.

I TOLD C.J. THAT I AM NOT

LOOKING FOR MUCH I JUST WANT

LIKE A REALLY NICE GUY WHO HAS

A JOB.

AND THE MISSING HALF OF THIS

GOLDEN AMULET.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

SHE LEFT ME A MESSAGE,

"HI, MARIA.

IT'S C.J.

WE HAVE A MATCH, HIS NAME'S JIM.

JIM IS 34.

HE IS VERY HANDSOME,

GREAT SHAPE.

I KNOW YOU SAID YOU ARE OPEN TO

DIFFERENT RACES, HE'S HALF ELK.

(LAUGHTER)

HE ENJOYS TRAVEL, ADVENTURE,

SAILING.

HE IS A PIRATE.

HE'S A SEA PIRATE.

(LAUGHTER)

GREAT SENSE OF HUMOR.

REALLY FUN, FUN GUY.

HE IS MARRIED.

BUT HE LOVES TO DATE.

GIVE US A CALL."

THANK YOU GUYS SO MUCH

FOR COMING OUT.

THIS IS LIKE A DREAM COME TRUE.

I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO DO

SOMETHING LIKE THIS.

AND I'D LOVE TO DO A SITCOM.

THE THING IS, IS LIKE I'VE HAD

SOME MEETINGS WITH THE SHOW BIZ

TYPES.

AND THEY ALWAYS HAVE A HARD TIME

WITH ME.

THEY SAY, THEY SAY, "MARIA, WE,

UM, WE LOVE WHAT YOU DO.

IT'S INTERESTING, WITH YOUR

VOICES.

IT'S INTERESTING.

(LAUGHTER)

BUT WHO ARE YOU?

IN A SENTENCE OR LESS,

WHO IS MARIA BRAMFORD?"

"I THOUGHT ABOUT IT AND,

YOU KNOW, I JUST THINK--

(THROATY VOICE) I'M, UM,

JUST A SMALL TOWN GIRL.

MMMM.

TRYING TO MAKE IT IN THE CITY."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

SO NICE.

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