CC Presents: Margaret Smith

  • 06/04/1999

Audience:HI.

YOU SOUND LIKE YOU'REIN A PRETTY GOOD MOOD

AND, UH...

THAT'S WHAT SETS US APARTBASICALLY.

OBVIOUSLY YOUR PARENTSDIDN'T JUST VISIT FOR A WEEK.

ACTUALLY, I JUST BROUGHT THEMBACK TO THE AIRPORT TODAY.

YEAH, THEY LEAVE TOMORROW.

COULDN'T TAKE THEM ANYMORE.

THEN MY MOM WANTED TO KNOW

WHY I NEVER GET HOMEFOR THE HOLIDAYS.

I SAID, "WELL, I CAN'T GET DELTATO WAIT IN THE YARD

WHILE I RUN IN."

I JUST BECAME A MOM MYSELFFOR THE FIRST TIME.

( applause )

THANK YOU.

YEAH, I, UH, ACTUALLYADOPTED A BABY.

I, UH, WANTED A HIGHWAY,BUT IT WAS A LOT OF RED TAPE.

BOY, THAT TEETHING'S A HARDTHING TO GET THROUGH WITH A KID.

THEY'RE MISERABLE CREATURES,BOY.

WE'RE RIDING AROUND IN THE CAR

HE'S IN THE BACKSEAT,SCREAMING FOR LIKE AN HOUR.

THEN HE FALLS ASLEEPLIKE A LITTLE ANGEL

LIKE NOTHING EVER HAPPENED.

I'M LOOKING AT HIMIN THAT REARVIEW MIRROR...

YOU KNOW, IT'S NOT CHILD ABUSE

IF THEY'RE SLEEPING.

THEN I REMEMBERED DOINGTHE SAME THING TO MY DAD.

WHEN I WAS A KID

HE'D SEND ME TO MY ROOM.

SOON AS THAT DOOR CLOSED...

AND I REALIZEDHE WAS ON THE OTHER SIDE.

WHY DO YOU THINKTHEY CLOSED THE DOOR?

TILL YOU BRING A CHILDINTO YOUR LIFE.

YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT LOVE ISTILL YOU BECOME A PARENT.

YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT LOVE IS

TILL YOU FISH A TURD OUTOF THE BATHTUB FOR SOMEONE...

THEN HAVE TO ACTPOSITIVE ABOUT IT.

"GOOD JOB."

IT'S THE CLOSEST I EVER CAMETO DIALING 911.

I'M, LIKE, "YEAH, IT'S FLOATING.

NO, HE'S ALIVE."

WHEN I GREW UP I NEVER HEARDTHE WORD "CHILDPROOF."

JEEZ, SAFETY WAS NOT A BIG THINGWHEN I WAS GROWING UP.

A SEAT BELT WAS SOMETHINGTHAT GOT IN THE WAY.

YEAH, I'D BE LIKE, "MA, THE SEATBELT'S DIGGING INTO MY BACK."

"WELL, STUFF IT DOWNINTO THE SEAT.

"WHAT, ARE YOU MENTAL?

AND ROLL THOSE WINDOWS UP.YOU'RE LETTING THE SMOKE OUT."

I DIDN'T START OUT ADOPTING.

STARTED OUT TRYING TO CONCEIVE.

AND I WASN'T INVOLVED,SO I WAS BUYING.

AND IT IS EXPENSIVE.

ANYONE IN HEREHAVING A FERTILITY PROBLEM?

AND I CONSIDER BEING SINGLEA FERTILITY PROBLEM...

IT'S AN EXPENSIVE PROCESS.

IT'S LIKE $175FOR A BATCH OF SPERM NOW.

WHOO, WAS IT CHEAPER IN COLLEGEOR WHAT?

PRACTICALLY TRIPPINGOVER THE STUFF.

THAT'S THE IRONY IN LIFE.

YOU SPEND THE FIRSTWHOLE HALF OF YOUR LIFE

TRYING NOT TO CONCEIVE.

20 YEARS LATER,YOU'RE ON A SLANT BOARD

IN A FERTILITY OFFICE

TRYING TO MAKE ITRUN THE OTHER WAY.

REALLY BOTHERED MY MOM THOUGH,YOU KNOW.

SHE'S VERY TRADITIONAL

SHE'S LIKE, "I DON'T KNOWWHY YOU CAN'T GET PREGNANT

LIKE YOUR SISTERS AND I DID."

WELL, I DON'T LIKETHE TASTE OF GIN.

UH, SO I STILL GET TO DATE,WHICH IS NICE.

I'M ACTUALLY GOING OUTWITH A PROFESSIONAL ATHLETE.

HE'S A BOWLER.

HE HAS HIS IDIOSYNCRASIES

LIKE EVERY TIMEHE GETS REALLY NERVOUS

HE GOES LIKE THIS...

YEAH, I'M NOT LIKE MOST WOMEN,'CAUSE I DON'T LIKE BIG GUYS.

ALL MY FRIENDS LIKE THESEBIG GUYS WHO'LL PROTECT THEM.

I LIKE THEM LITTLE.

IN CASE A FIGHT BREAKS OUT,I GOT A CHANCE.

BASICALLY, I DATE GUYSI THINK I CAN TAKE.

IS THAT SO WRONG?

I DON'T LIKE HAIRY GUYS, THOUGH.

I TRIED IT.

I DATED A LITTLE HAIRY GUY ONCE.

HE'D TAKE A BATH AT MY HOUSE

AND IT LOOKEDLIKE THE SEWER BACKED UP.

YOU KNOW, ALL THAT FURFLOATING ON THE WATER.

I JUST WANTED TO SNAPA CIGARETTE BUTT INTO THERE.

THEN I'D HAVE TO WAITFOR THE TUB TO DRY

THEN VACUUM.

YOU KNOW, I'D WRITE THINGS.

WELCOME.

I JUST WANTED A RELATIONSHIP,NOT A PLUMBING PROBLEM.

THEY, UH...

EVERYONE IS OUTRAGED 'CAUSETHEY OPENED UP A STRIP BAR.

A BIG SIGN OUT IN FRONT--"TOTALLY NUDE."

I THOUGHT THEY MEANT TO GET IN.

SO I'M STANDING IN LINE...

HEY, ANYTHING FOR A FREE BUFFET.

I WAS ALMOST ROBBEDTHE OTHER NIGHT GOING HOME LATE.

JEEZ, THANK GOD I'D JUST POPPEDAN ALTOID, HUH?

DID YOU KNOW IF YOU HAVEAN ALTOID IN YOUR MOUTH

AND BREATHE ON SOMEONE,YOU CAN DISORIENTATE THEM?

WHO NEEDS A MINT THIS STRONG?

IF YOU THINK YOU NEEDA MINT THIS STRONG

WHAT YOU NEEDIS A TONGUE SCRAPER.

TWICE--ONCE TO GET THE BLOUSE.

ONCE TO TAKE IT BACK.

OOH, THEY GET SNIPPYWHEN YOU RETURN THINGS--

LIKE IT'S THEIR STUFF.

"SOMETHING WRONGWITH THIS BLOUSE?"

I SAID, "NO, I JUST GOT HOME

"AND REALIZED I DIDN'TREALLY LIKE THE BLOUSE.

"I JUST LIKED THE SONG THATWAS PLAYING WHEN I BOUGHT IT.

GIVE ME THE MONEY.I'M GOING TO GET THE TAPE."

SNAPPING AT MELIKE A FRESH GREEN BEAN.

I LIKE THAT ONE STORE, THOUGH.

WHAT'S THAT WOMAN'S NAME?

NOT LAURA ASHLEY.

OOH, SHE MADEA HORRIBLE DRESS, HUH?

LITTLE PILGRIM HOUSE ON THEPRAIRIE PIECE OF ( bleep )

SHE CAME UP WITH.

WHAT THE HELL WAS SHE THINKING?

SHE MADE THE DRESS TO MATCHTHE CURTAINS AND THE LAMPSHADES.

THERE'S A WOMANWAS IN THE HOUSE TOO LONG.

WHAT IF YOU'RE OUTIN THAT DRESS?

YOU'RE AT A PARTY.

YOU'RE STANDING IN FRONTOF THE MATCHING CURTAINS?

THE HOST DECIDESHE WANTS SOME FRESH AIR.

THAT COULD BE BAD.

NOT HER, THOUGH, THE OTHER ONE.

ANN TAYLOR.I LIKE HER STUFF.

THEY'RE A LITTLE PUSHYIN THERE THOUGH.

OVERLY ATTENTIVE, YOU KNOW?

THEY FOLLOW YOU AROUND--

"OH, THAT'S A NICE COLOR.THAT'S A NICE NECKLINE.

BLAH-BLAH-BLAH..."

"YOU KNOW WHAT?

"IF I WANTEDTO SHOP WITH A FRIEND

I WOULD HAVE BROUGHT ONE."

"SO, WHY DON'T YOU GO OVER THERE

AND MARK SOMETHING DOWNOR SOMETHING?"

AND THEN I GETIN THE DRESSING ROOM.

I'M IN THERELIKE FIVE, TEN MINUTES.

SHE COMES KNOCKING AT THE DOOR.

I GO, "WHAT?"

"UH, YOU'VE BEEN IN THEREA WHILE. ARE YOU OKAY?"

I OPEN THE DOOR A CRACK.

I SAID, "NO, COULD YOUGET ME SOME TOILET PAPER?"

YOU EVER GET IN DEBT?

DID YOU KNOW THEY CALL YOU?

ONE GUY CALLED MEEVERY DAY LAST WEEK.

FINALLY, I SAID,"LOOK, EVERY MONTH

"I PUT EVERYONE I OWEINTO A HAT.

"THEN I PICK THREE NAMES,I PAY THOSE PEOPLE.

SO IF YOU CALL ME ONE MORE TIMEI'M TAKING YOU OUT OF THE HAT."

THEY ALL WANT TO BE IN THE HAT.

SAW A TRUCK OUT HERE TODAY.

SIDE OF THE DOOR IT SAID

"DRIVER HAS NO CASH."

I THOUGHT, "I'M BROKE, TOO

I DON'T PLASTER ITALL OVER THE SIDE OF MY CAR."

WHAT KIND OF SELF-ESTEEM?

OF COURSE, WHEN YOU'RE IN DEBT

WHAT'S THE ONLY THINGCHEERS YOU UP?

SPENDING A LITTLE--BUY LITTLE PURCHASES.

IT DOES AND YOU SHOULD.

I HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT.

WHATEVERYOUR LITTLE PURCHASE IS--

MANICURE, TIE...

I BUY UNDERWEAR.

YEAH, I PUT A NEW PAIROF UNDERWEAR ON

I FEEL LIKE A MILLION BUCKS,YOU KNOW?

I BUY THE JOCKEY ONES

'CAUSE THEY'RE 100% COTTON.

YOU CAN BREATHE.

YOU DON'T BUYTHOSE VICTORIA SECRET THINGS

DO YOU, YOU WOMEN?

OOH, THINGS OUGHT TO COMEWITH A TUBE OF MONISTAT.

WHEN I'M OPENING A PAIR OF THOSETHE OTHER DAY

A LITTLE PIECE OF PAPERFALLS OUT ONTO THE FLOOR.

I PICK IT UP--

"INSPECTED BY MARY LOU."

WELL, THANK GOD.

LAST PAIR BURST INTO FLAMES.

WHEN MARY LOU'S ON THE JOB

I CAN WALK AROUNDSAFE IN MY UNDERWEAR.

EXCEPT NOW, EVERY TIMEI WEAR THEM I THINK ABOUT HER.

YEAH, I WONDER WHAT SHE'S DOING.

I WONDERIF SHE'S THINKING ABOUT ME.

SHE'S ALREADY BEENIN MY UNDERWEAR.

SHE COULD AT LEAST CALL.

I WEAR MY UNDERWEAR WAY UP HERE.

YEAH, THE OLDER YOU GETTHE HIGHER YOUR UNDERWEAR GET.

LIKE RINGS ON A TREE.

YOU'RE 80, 90 YEARS OLD--

YOUR BREASTS ARE INSIDE THEM.

WHEN YOU DIE, THEY JUSTPULL THEM UP OVER YOUR HEAD.

SHE'S GONE.

DIED IN HER UNDERWEAR.

HAS TO BE WORSE THAN DEATH?

I THINK STAYINGPAST YOUR WELCOME.

PROFESSIONALLY,NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO

YOU NEVER WANTTO HEAR ANYONE SAY

"OOH, SHE USED TO BE GOOD."

"HE USED TO BE GOOD."

I THINK ATHLETESHAVE IT THE WORST

'CAUSE THEIRS ISA PHYSICAL PERFORMANCE.

THERE'S A SHELF LIFE ON IT.

SOME OF THESE BOXERS...

40-YEAR-OLD BOXERS...

GEORGE FOREMAN IS 49 YEARS OLD.

WHAT'S HE DOING BOXING?

YOU KNOW WHEN YOU SOCK HIMIN THE GUT, HE PEES A LITTLE.

WE LAUGH TOO HARD, WE PEE.

IMAGINE GETTING SOCKED.

HOPEFULLY, ONE OF USPEED TONIGHT.

HEY, I GET JUSTTHE RIGHT COMPLIMENT

I LET A LITTLE OUT.

SURE.

IF SOMEONE SAYS SOMETHINGREAL, REAL SWEET

IT'S LIKE MY OWN LITTLE PRIVATE"THANK YOU."

TRY IT NEXT TIME SOMEONESAYS SOMETHING, JUST MOVES

YOU GO "OOH,I JUST PEED A LITTLE."

PRETTY EXCITED--I GET TO GO TO HAWAII NEXT WEEK.

I, UH, WENT LAST YEAR.

HAD A NEAR-DEATH EXPERIENCE.

THOUGHT I'D GO BACK.

HAVE YOU BEEN SCUBA DIVING?

IN HAWAII, THEY TELL YOUYOU DON'T HAVE TO BE CERTIFIED.

FOR $65 THEY...

YOU GET THE TANK, WETSUIT,GOGGLES, FINS

A FIVE-MINUTE SAFETY BRIEFING...

YOU'RE ON YOUR WAYINTO THE OCEAN.

OF COURSE, YOU HAVETO LEAVE YOUR VISA CARD

'CAUSE A LOT OF PEOPLEDON'T COME BACK

WHICH I ALMOST DIDN'T,'CAUSE I DIDN'T LISTEN

TO ONE WORDOF THE SAFETY BRIEFING

'CAUSE THE GUY WAS MISSINGTHE TIP OF HIS FINGER.

IT'S ALL I COULD THINK ABOUT.

"PLEASE DO THIS.

"DON'T DO THAT.

DIH-DIH-DIH..."

I'M FOLLOWING THE MISSING TIP

WONDERING HOW DID IT HAPPEN?

IS IT GOING TO HAPPEN TO ME?

FIRST TELL MEWHERE THAT TIP WENT

THEN GIVE METHE SAFETY BRIEFING.

WHAT THE HELL'S WRONG WITH YOU?

THE LAST THING HE SAID TO ME

HE GOES, "WHATEVER YOU DO,STAY AWAY FROM THE EEL."

"I DON'T KNOWWHAT AN EEL LOOKS LIKE."

"DON'T WORRY.I'LL POINT THEM OUT TO YOU."

I DON'T LIKE TO JUST SIT AROUND.

I ACTUALLY ENJOY WORKING OUT.

IT'S...

HAVE YOU BEEN TO THE GYM LATELY?

BOY, SOME OF THOSE GUYSOVERDEVELOP, HUH?

YOU SEEN THOSE MESOMORPH FROGMENIN THE GYM?

THEY...

THESE GUYS ARE LIKEBARREL OF MONKEY MEN, YOU KNOW?

YOU JUST WANT TO HOOKTHEIR ARMS TOGETHER

AND LOWER THEM OUT THE WINDOWOF THE GYM, YES.

LIKE IF YOUR NECKIS AS WIDE AS YOUR HEAD

TAKE A DAY OFF...!

IT'S SUPPOSED TO GO IN A LITTLE.

THEIR ARMS ARE SO HUGE

THEY CAN'T GET THEIR HANDSIN THEIR POCKETS-- THESE GUYS.

I DON'T KNOWHOW THEY TAKE A LEAK.

THEY MUST HAVE TO USE PRONGSOR SOMETHING.

"THERE WE GO..."

THEY SHAKE IT.

IS THAT THE LAZIEST THINGYOU'VE EVER SEEN?

IT'S LIKE, GRAB A PIECEOF TISSUE.

IF I HAD A WIENER, I WOULD DAB.

HE'S SHAKING IT ON EVERYTHING,IT'S...

SHOULD WEAR A MUDFLAPOR SOMETHING, IT'S...

THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE THE GYM

TO MAKE YOU FEEL OLDER,YOU KNOW?

I NEEDED TO BENCH.

I ASKED THIS GUYHOW MANY SETS HE HAD LEFT.

HE GOES,"OH, I HAVE THREE MORE, MA'AM."

HEY, I'M AT THE "MA'AM"STAGE OF MY LIFE.

SHOULDN'T BE CALLED "MA'AM"

TILL YOU'VE HADTHAT FIRST MAMMOGRAM.

OOH, YOU EVER GETONE OF THOSE THINGS?

YOU'RE IN ONE ROOM,YOUR BREAST IS IN THE OTHER.

THEY PUT IT IN A VISEAND TAKE IT HOSTAGE.

START CRANKING IT SHUT

LIKE YOU HAVETHE SECRET ROCKET FORMULA.

YOU DON'T THINKIT'S EVER GOING TO GET BACK

INTO ITS NATURAL SHAPE AGAIN.

YOU'LL BE ROLLING IT UPTO GET IT BACK IN THE BRA.

PUT A LITTLE HAM KEYON THE END OF IT.

THEN THEY'RE NOT DONE.

THEN THEY SMASH THEM THIS WAY.

OH, GOOD, DORSAL FINS.

MAYBE I'LL GO KAYAKINGDOWN THE EAST RIVER.

YEAH, GRAB AN OAR. JUMP ON.

AND YOU KNOW, AS IF THERE'SNOT ENOUGH PAIN IN LIFE

OUR YOUNGER WOMENARE SIGNING UP FOR IT

WITH THE PIERCING AND ALL THAT.

BOY, I JUST DON'T GET THAT.

I'LL TELL YOU, FIRST TIME I SAWONE OF THOSE TONGUE PIERCINGS

I'M LIKE "JEEZ,YOUR FILLING CAME OUT.

SPIT IT IN THIS CUP."

THEN SHE TOLD MEHER TONGUE WAS PIERCED.

I'M LIKE, DID IT HURT?

( slurring ):"NO, I FEEL TOTALLY FINE."

JEEZ, WHY'D YOU DO IT?

( slurring ):"WELL, I HAD TO IMPROVETHE QUALITY OF MY SEX LIFE."

SHOOT, I GUESS YOU WON'T BEDOING ALL THAT TALKING.

I MEAN

THEY'RE PIERCING EVERYTHING...

TONGUES, LIPS,NIPPLES, NAVELS...

PIERCING THEIR LABIA NOW--THESE WOMEN.

YEAH, PIERCE THEIR LITTLEGEORGIA O'KEEFES.

I MEAN, WHAT DO YOUGET UP ONE DAY

YOU GO, "YOU KNOW,THE KIDS ARE AT SCHOOL...

THINK I'LL GO GETMY LEFT LABIA PIERCED."

I MEAN, JEEZ,HOW DO THEY GET THROUGH

THE METAL DETECTORSAT THE AIRPORT?

I'M IRRITATEDWHEN I HAVE TO TAKE MY BELT OFF

LET ALONE MY LABIA EARRING.

THAT'S WHY, WHEN I FLY,I WEAR THE CLIP-ONS.

TOOK US HUNDREDS OF YEARS

TO GET ONE YEAR OF THE WOMAN.

THEN WHEN WE GET A YEAR

ONE OF US CUTSHER HUSBAND'S PENIS OFF.

I DON'T THINKWE'RE GETTING ANOTHER YEAR.

THERE'S A LITTLE CELEBRATIONGOT OUT OF HAND, HUH?

CRAZY THING-- CUTS IT OFF

THEN TAKES ITFOR A LITTLE SPIN-A-RONI.

YEAH, AND WINGS ITOUT THE WINDOW

INTO THE BUSHES.

YOU KNOW SHE PUT AN ARC ON IT

'CAUSE THAT'S HOWYOU GET DISTANCE.

THEN THE COPS GOTHOT ON THE TRAIL.

CAN YOU JUST SEE TWO COPSSTANDING OVER THAT THING?

ARGUING ABOUT WHO'S GOINGTO PUT IT IN THE BAG.

IT'S NOT LIKEONE COULD SAY TO THE OTHER

"YOU KNOW, I GOT THE LAST ONE.WHY DON'T YOU GET THIS"?

LITTLE CHALK MARK AROUND IT...

I TELL YOU, THE WEIRDEST PARTOF THAT WHOLE STORY

IS THAT IT WAS STILL THERE.

I'M THINKING AREN'T THEREANY DOGS IN THAT NEIGHBORHOOD?

THAT THING WOULD HAVE BEENSNATCHED UP LIKE THAT

IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD.

SOME NEAR-SIGHTED CAT WOULD HAVEDRAGGED THAT THING HOME

ALL PROUD.

"LOOK, EVERYONE.I FOUND A ONE-EYED MOUSE."

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