Sanders, Trenholm, Landry, Oakerson

  • Season 8, Ep 0808
  • 01/13/2005

WHY DO GUYS THINK THAT IF

THEY CAN JUST GET A WOMAN TO

TOUCH THEIR PENIS, THAT THEY

WILL GET SEX FROM THE WOMAN?

[LAUGHTER]

COME ON, JUST--

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

COME ON, TOUCH IT.

TOUCH IT.

[LAUGHTER]

PLEASE, JUST TOUCH IT.

TOUCH IT.

COME ON.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

PLEASE TOUCH IT.

COME ON, TOUCH IT.

COME ON.

JUST CUP THE HEAD.

PLEASE, JUST--

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

LIKE A GUY'S GOTTA PUT IT IN A

WOMAN'S HAND.

LIKE A GIRL'S GONNA GO,

"OH, MY GOSH.

THIS IS WHAT I'VE BEEN MISSING

IN MY LIFE.

[LAUGHTER]

THANK YOU, JESUS."

[LAUGHTER]

SO WONDERFUL.

THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

NEW YORK.

[CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

YEAH.

WHAT BETTER PLACE TO CELEBRATE

ANYTHING?

I'M CELEBRATING A DIVORCE.

SO, I AM EXCITED.

YEAH.

I HAVEN'T BEEN THIS HAPPY SINCE

I GOT MARRIED, MAN.

[LAUGHTER]

I GOT SOME COOL FRIENDS.

THEY THREW ME A DIVORCE PARTY.

YEAH.

I DIDN'T KNOW THAT THEY HAD

DIVORCE PARTIES.

IT WAS LIKE HALF THE PEOPLE

WHO WERE AT THE WEDDING.

[LAUGHTER]

THEY HAD LIKE HALF A CAKE.

[LAUGHTER]

HAD A GROOM ON TOP.

HIS POCKETS WERE TURNED INSIDE

OUT.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WAS A COOL PARTY, MAN.

I FORGOT WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE

DATING, 'CAUSE WOMEN EXPECT

CERTAIN THINGS.

YOU KNOW, I FORGOT ABOUT

THE ETIQUETTE, YOU KNOW.

LIKE, I PICKED THIS GIRL UP

TO GO OUT ON A DATE.

I GET IN THE CAR.

AND I LOOK.

SHE'S STILL STANDING OUTSIDE.

I'M LIKE "THE DOOR OPENS.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I GOT POWER LOCKS."

[BOOP, BOOP, BOOP, BOOP]

[LAUGHTER]

WHAT YOU WAITING ON?

YOU GONNA GET LEFT."

[LAUGHTER]

THAT'S WHY I LIKE DATING WOMEN

YOUNGER THAN ME NOW.

THEY DON'T CARE ABOUT THAT.

I'M DATING THIS GIRL SO YOUNG,

SHE THINK EARTH, WIND, AND FIRE

ARE POWER RANGERS.

THAT'S HOW YOUNG...

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SHE IS.

SO, WOMEN GOT YOUR STORES NOW,

VICTORIA'S SECRETS.

I WENT IN THERE, I FOUND OUT

WHAT THE SECRET IS.

YOU MAKE IT LOOK LIKE YOU GOT

STUFF YOU DON'T HAVE.

[LAUGHTER]

HOW MANY BRAS DO YOU REALLY

NEED?

WONDER BRA, WATER BRA,

MIRACLE BRA, PUSH-UP BRAS.

GUYS, WE DON'T HAVE NOTHING.

IF YOU GOT A LITTLE PENIS,

YOU JUST GOT A LITTLE PENIS.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THAT'S RIGHT.

AIN'T NO WONDER JOCK.

[LAUGHTER]

WONDER JOCK, PUSH-UP JOCK,

MIRACLE JOCK.

[LAUGHTER]

THESE THINGS, FOLKS.

THERE'S WAR ON TERRORISM NOW.

EVERY DAY WE GET UP, WE HEAR

ABOUT IT, WAR ON TERRORISM.

I'M NOT AFRAID OF TERRORISTS.

MY MOTHER WAS A TERRORIST.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

EVERY DAY IN OUR HOUSE WAS

CODE ORANGE, EVERY DAY.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

EVERY DAY.

YEAH.

YOU THINK THAT CHANGED ME AND

MY BROTHERS?

NO, WE DIDN'T CHANGE.

NO.

YOU KNOW WHY?

'CAUSE IF WE CHANGED,

THE TERRORISTS WIN.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THEY HAVE SUICIDE BOMBERS.

THESE ARE PEOPLE WHO NOT ONLY

BLOW THEMSELVES UP, THEY BLOW

EVERYBODY ELSE UP.

HOW YOU GET SOMEBODY TO DO THIS,

KILL EVERYBODY AND THEMSELVES?

I CAN'T GET THREE PEOPLE TO

HELP ME MOVE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAU

[SILENCE]

[LAUGHTER]

Nathan Trenholm: WHEN I WAS

GROWING UP, I WAS TOLD,

"DON'T SMOKE, IT'LL STUNT YOUR

GROWTH."

SO, I DIDN'T SMOKE.

I WAS TOLD, "DON'T LIFT WEIGHTS.

IT'LL STUNT YOUR GROWTH."

SO, I DIDN'T LIFT WEIGHTS.

I WAS TOLD, "DON'T SIT TOO CLOSE

TO THE TV.

IT'LL RUIN YOUR VISION."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SO, I DIDN'T EVEN WATCH TV.

I WAS THE BIGGEST LOSER EVER.

BUT IT ALL WORKED OUT IN THE END

BECAUSE NOW, I'M FIVE SIX

AND A HALF WITH GLASSES.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

CAN YOU IMAGINE WHAT I'D

LOOK LIKE IF I HAD DONE ALL

THAT STUFF?

[LAUGHTER]

HAVE YOU EVER HAD A ONE-NIGHT

STAND THAT WENT HORRIBLY AWRY

AND JUST TURNED INTO THIS UGLY

TWO-YEAR RELATIONSHIP?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

A LOTTA GUYS HAVE NICKNAMES

FOR THEIR PENISES.

AND I WAS RECENTLY GIVEN A

NICKNAME FOR MINE...

[LAUGHTER]

FROM A WOMAN WHILE SHE WAS

GIVING ME ORAL SEX.

SHE NAMED IT THE INHALER."

AT LEAST THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT

SHE WAS NAMING IT.

IT TURNS OUT SHE WAS ASTHMATIC

AND IT'S MY FAULT SHE DIED.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

[CHEERS AND WHISTLES]

I TALK ABOUT SEX A LOT.

AND I THINK THAT'S BECAUSE

I'M A LOVER.

I'M NOT A FIGHTER.

LIKE, I'VE NEVER EVEN BEEN IN

A FIGHT.

WHENEVER THINGS ESCALATE

TO THAT, I'VE ALWAYS BEEN ABLE

TO USE MY QUICK WIT AND

INTELLECT TO GET OUT OF THE

SITUATION.

LIKE THIS ONE TIME IN

PARTICULAR, I WAS AT THE MALL

WITH MY GRANDMOTHER.

AND THERE WERE THESE TWO GIANT

THUGS IN FRONT OF US.

AND ONE OF 'EM TURNS TO THE

OTHER AND STARTS BRAGGING ABOUT

HOW EARLIER IN THE WEEK, HE HAD

ROBBED A CONVENIENCE STORE AND

WAS STOMPING ON THE CASHIER'S

HEAD.

AT THIS POINT, MY GRANDMOTHER

TURNS TO ME AND SAYS LOUD ENOUGH

FOR HIM TO HEAR, "WE SHOULD

REPORT HIM."

[LAUGHTER]

THAT'S WHEN MY QUICK WIT AND

INTELLECT KICKS IN AND I REALIZE

I NEED TO MAKE SURE THAT

HE DOES NOT THINK THAT

WE ARE TALKING ABOUT HIM.

SO, I TURNED TO MY GRANDMOTHER

AND I SAY, "BITCH, I DON'T

KNOW YOU."

I JUST GOT BACK FROM LOUISIANA.

IT'S GOOD TO BE BACK IN

NEW YORK.

THAT'S WHERE I'M FROM IS

LOUISIANA.

I DON'T GO HOME TO VISIT TOO

OFTEN THOUGH, BECAUSE I FEEL

LIKE I ESCAPED FROM MY FAMILY

THE FIRST TIME.

[LAUGHTER]

BUT IT'S MY COUSIN'S WEDDING.

SO, THEY KEPT CALLING.

"YOU'RE GONNA COME HOME FOR

COUSIN CANDY'S WEDDIN',

RIGHT?

IT'S REALLY IMPORTANT.

IT'S GONNA BE GREAT.

SHE'S BEEN LOOKIN' AND LOOKIN'

FOR SOMEONE FOR YEARS.

SHE FINALLY FOUND SOMEONE."

SHE'S 18.

[LAUGHTER]

EIGHTEEN IS TOO YOUNG TO GET

MARRIED.

YOU CAN'T EVEN BUY ALCOHOL.

IF YOU CAN'T DRINK, HOW ARE

YOU GONNA MAKE YOUR MARRIAGE

WORK?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

MY WHOLE FAMILY IS JUST A

BIG OLD REDNECK CLICHE.

MY COUSIN AMBER IS 17 HAVING

A BABY.

AND SHE DID THAT PREGNANT

CHICK THING I HATE.

SHE CAME WALKING OVER TO ME.

SHE'S LIKE GO AHEAD, TOUCH ME.

I SAID, "SUGAR, HAVEN'T YOU BEEN

TOUCHED ENOUGH?"

[LAUGHTER]

MY MOM'S LIKE, "DON'T YOU GO

TEASING AMBER.

AMBER WENT AND MADE A LITTLE

MIRACLE!"

NO, SHE DIDN'T.

YOU DON'T MAKE A MIRACLE

IN THE BACK OF A PICKUP TRUCK.

THE BACK OF A PICKUP TRUCK

IS WHERE YOU'RE PROBABLY MAKING

A FUTURE CARNIVAL WORKER.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I CAN'T IMAGINE HAVING A BABY,

YOU KNOW.

YOU GOT THIS THING THAT RUNS

AFTER YOU.

AND THEN IT FALLS DOWN.

THEN IT FALLS INTO YOU,

THEN IT VOMITS ALL OVER YOU.

THEN IT WANTS TO SUCK ON YOUR

BREAST.

THAT'S LIKE PROM NIGHT.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

MY HUSBAND WANTS A BABY.

HE'S OLDER, SO HE'S READY

TO HAVE A BABY.

I'M NOT READY AT ALL.

I'M TOO IRRESPONSIBLE.

I'D MAKE A HORRIBLE MOTHER.

I'D PROBABLY FORGET TO PICK

THE KID UP FROM THERAPY.

[LAUGHTER]

BUT MY HUSBAND CAN GET ANYTHING

HE WANTS OUTTA ME, I SWEAR.

THAT GUY CAN TALK ME INTO

ANYTHING.

I DIDN'T EVEN WANNA GET MARRIED.

I GOT MARRIED 'CAUSE HE WANTED

TO AND I LOVE HIM SO MUCH.

I LOVE MY HUSBAND SO MUCH.

I WOULD DO ANYTHING TO MAKE

MY HUSBAND HAPPY.

[APPLAUSE]

OH, WELL, WELL, THANK YOU.

ANYTHING TO MAKE HIM HAPPY,

EXCEPT COOK OR CLEAN OR SHUT

THE [BLEEP] UP.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

OR [BLEEP], YOU KNOW, ANYTHING

TO BE-- TO MAKE HIM HAPPY.

WE GOT MARRIED IN LAS VEGAS

LAST YEAR 'CAUSE I FIGURED,

YOU KNOW, SCREW IT, WE'RE

GAMBLING ANYWAY.

[LAUGHTER]

SEX CHANGES AFTER YOU GET

MARRIED.

I THINK ABOUT THE SEX ALL THE

TIME.

RIGHT, MY MOM'S LIKE,

"YOU KNOW WHAT?

THAT'S JUST WEIRD.

YOU KNOW THAT RIGHT, THINK ABOUT

SEX ALL THE TIME?

THAT'S NOT NORMAL."

SO, I TOOK A TEST IN THE BACK

OF "COSMO".

AND APPARENTLY I'M A GUY.

[LAUGHTER]

BUT I HATE FOOTBALL, SO I'M GAY.

AND I GOT NO FASHION SENSE SO

I'M ONE OF THOSE BAD GAYS,

WHICH I THINK MAKES ME

JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

BUT I'M TELLING YOU, SEX REALLY

EVAPORATES ONCE YOU'RE MARRIED.

AND YOUR MARRIED FRIENDS TELL

YOU THE TRUTH.

YOUR GIRLFRIENDS TELL YOU WHAT'S

GONNA HAPPEN.

AND YOU'RE LIKE OH, THAT'S YOUR

RELATIONSHIP.

ME AND MY MAN, WE'RE IN LOVE.

WE'RE GONNA HAVE THAT HOT SEX

ALL THE TIME 'CAUSE WE'RE

IN LOVE.

HA-HA!

[LAUGHTER]

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.

IF I HAVE SEX WITH MY HUSBAND

AT THIS POINT, I FEEL LIKE

I'M CHEATING ON MYSELF.

[LAUGHTER]

I'M LIKE, "HONEY, YOU CAN STAY.

BUT IT'S JUST GONNA SLOW THINGS

DOWN."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

LADIES, I KNOW.

[LAUGHTER]

NEW YORKITY-YORK, HUH?

[CHEERING IN BACKGROUND]

[LAUGHTER]

I LOVE THIS TOWN.

THERE'S SO MUCH PEOPLE

AND THE CULTURE AND EVERY--

WHITE PEOPLE AND BLACK PEOPLE.

AND MISCELLANEOUS THINGS

FLOATING AROUND, STUFF

HAPPENING.

[LAUGHTER]

THINGS, PEOPLE.

I LIKE CULTURE--

EVERYONE BEING TOGETHER.

I DON'T LIKE RACISM.

IT MAKES ME AWKWARD.

YOU RACIST AGAINST BLACK PEOPLE?

YOU CAN'T BE.

'CAUSE IT'S 2004 AND THEY'RE

RIGHT BEHIND YOU.

SO, THAT'S A GOOD ANSWER.

[LAUGHTER]

THAT'S RIGHT.

YOU'LL BE A RACIST TOMORROW

SOMEWHERE SAFE AND WHITE

BUT NOT NOW.

THINK IT THROUGH.

[LAUGHTER]

I'M NOT RACIST AGAINST--

I LOVE EVERYTHING.

WOMEN, I-- AND ACROSS THE BOARD,

ASIAN WOMEN, OH, I LOVE ASIAN

WOMEN.

I HAD AN ASIAN GIRLFRIEND ONCE

FOR AN HOUR, COST ME 150 BUCKS.

BUT I TELL YOU WHAT.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

LAUNDRY, NAILS.

HUH-HUH.

THAT'S AT THE END.

[LAUGHTER]

I LOVE ASIAN WOMEN BUT I'M

NEVER GOING TO ASIA.

I'VE SEEN A LOTTA MOVIES TAKE

PLACE THERE.

IN MY HEAD, I THINK IT'S ALL

LIKE, YOU KNOW, ALL HOUSES ARE

MADE OF LIKE BAMBOO AND KLEENEX.

AND YOU CAN'T WEAR SHOES.

THERE'S STILL A BIG NINJA

PROBLEM GOING ON.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YEAH.

LIKE WE HAVE ROACHES, THEY HAVE

NINJAS.

LIKE, "DUDE, CAN I STAY AT

YOUR PLACE?

THERE'S NINJA'S ALL OVER MY

PLACE.

[LAUGHTER]

WE SET THE TRAPS, BUT THEY'RE

VERY CLEVER.

THEY JUST LEAVE THE CHEESE."

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

MY GRANDMA SENT ME TO KARATE

CLASS, THE JEWISH COMMUNITY

CENTER 'CAUSE IT WAS FREE WITH

SENSEI MASTER RABBI RABINOWITZ.

THAT GUY WAS--

[LAUGHTER]

A HEBREW NIGHTMARE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

TWO YEARS OF KARATE.

TWO HARD YEARS.

WHEN I GRADUATED, I WAS A

CLEAR BELT.

THEY ACTUALLY TOOK THE COLOR

OUT OF MY BELT.

THAT'S HOW BAD I WAS.

[LAUGHTER]

THEY HAD A LITTLE SYRINGE.

I'M LIKE, "I GET IT, I GET IT.

I'M NO GOOD".

I'M TOO BIG, MAN.

KARATE'S A SLIM GUY'S ACTIVITY.

YOU GOTTA BE SOME OF THEM LONG,

SNAPPY LIMBS.

I'M TOO BIG MAN, LOOK AT THIS.

[LAUGHTER]

IT'S JUST NATURE.

THAT'S A HIGH KICK.

THAT'S MY HIGH KICK.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

THAT'S MY TRYING TO KICK YOUR

FACE.

IT AIN'T GONNA MAKE IT.

PUT AN APPLE ON YOUR HEAD.

I'LL KICK YOU IN THE BALLS AND

HOPE IT FALLS OFF.

"AH, OH."

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

I HAD TO TRY TO TEACH MYSELF

HOW TO FIGHT WHEN I WAS YOUNGER

BY WATCHING MOVIES.

I WAS RAISED BY WOMEN FOR A

LONG TIME.

I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT THE--

I WENT TO A REAL MIXED SCHOOL

GROWING UP, MAN.

WE HAD LIKE BLACK PEOPLE AND

WHITE PERSON.

AND THAT WAS ARIGHT, 'CAUSE,

YOU KNOW, I WAS THE WHITE

PERSON.

[LAUGHTER]

I NEED TO LEARN HOW TO FIGHT,

GUY'S.

I'M LIKE, "GRAM, I'M GONNA WATCH

SOME MOVIES.

WATCH MOVIES DO WE HAVE WITH

SOME GANGS AND SOME VIOLENCE

AND SOME--"

SHE GOES, "GANGS?

HERE.

WE HAVE GREASE AND

WEST SIDE STORY."

SO I STUDIED THE MOVES.

I'M LIKE-- ARIGHT, GOT IT.

[LAUGHTER]

AND I WENT TO SCHOOL REAL COCKY,

JUST, YOU KNOW,

STARTING UP TROUBLE.

I'M SLAPPING PEOPLE AND

PUSHING 'EM.

ONE KID'S LIKE, "JAY, ENOUGH

OF THAT.

PARKING LOT, 3:30."

I WAS LIKE, "I'LL BE THERE,

I'LL BE THERE."

YOU KNOW.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

I'M LIKE, "3:30 IT IS.

SEE YOU THEN."

[APPLAUSE]

SO, 3:30 COMES.

I'M WALKING TO THIS FIGHT

NERVOUS, RIGHT?

BUT I GOTTA SHOW UP.

I HAD MY BACKGROUND DANCERS

WITH ME, SO I'M NOT THAT

NERVOUS.

[LAUGHTER]

AND WE'RE SASHAYING THIS FIGHT.

WE GET TO THE FIGHT.

EVERYONE FROM SCHOOL WAS THERE.

THEY'RE IN A BIG CIRCLE.

THEY'RE GOING, "FIGHT, FIGHT,

FIGHT."

AND I'M LOOKING AROUND.

AND THE KID HIT ME IN THE FACE

FIRST-- WHICH IS NOT IN THE

MOVIE, BY THE WAY.

SO, I'M CONFUSED.

[LAUGHTER]

HE'S LIKE, "WHAT DO YOU SAY NOW,

BITCH?"

I'M LIKE "I'M A CRAZY

MOTHER [BLEEP].

YOU DON'T WANNA MESS WITH ME."

[LAUGHTER]

AND THE BACKGROUND DANCERS

JUMPED OUT,

♪ CRAZY MOTHER [BLEEP]

♪ DON'T WANNA MESS WITH ME

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

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