Sanders, Trenholm, Landry, Oakerson

  • Season 8, Ep 0808
  • 01/14/2005

Lisa Landry describes post-marital sex, Big Jay Oakerson reveals how he learned to fight, and Nathan Trenholm explains how his quick wit keeps him out of trouble.

WHY DO GUYS THINK THAT IF

THEY CAN JUST GET A WOMAN TO

TOUCH THEIR PENIS, THAT THEY

WILL GET SEX FROM THE WOMAN?

[LAUGHTER]

COME ON, JUST--

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

COME ON, TOUCH IT.

TOUCH IT.

[LAUGHTER]

PLEASE, JUST TOUCH IT.

TOUCH IT.

COME ON.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

PLEASE TOUCH IT.

COME ON, TOUCH IT.

COME ON.

JUST CUP THE HEAD.

PLEASE, JUST--

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

LIKE A GUY'S GOTTA PUT IT IN A

WOMAN'S HAND.

LIKE A GIRL'S GONNA GO,

"OH, MY GOSH.

THIS IS WHAT I'VE BEEN MISSING

IN MY LIFE.

[LAUGHTER]

THANK YOU, JESUS."

[LAUGHTER]

SO WONDERFUL.

I JUST GOT BACK FROM LOUISIANA.

IT'S GOOD TO BE BACK IN

NEW YORK.

THAT'S WHERE I'M FROM IS

LOUISIANA.

I DON'T GO HOME TO VISIT TOO

OFTEN THOUGH, BECAUSE I FEEL

LIKE I ESCAPED FROM MY FAMILY

THE FIRST TIME.

[LAUGHTER]

BUT IT'S MY COUSIN'S WEDDING.

SO, THEY KEPT CALLING.

"YOU'RE GONNA COME HOME FOR

COUSIN CANDY'S WEDDIN',

RIGHT?

IT'S REALLY IMPORTANT.

IT'S GONNA BE GREAT.

SHE'S BEEN LOOKIN' AND LOOKIN'

FOR SOMEONE FOR YEARS.

SHE FINALLY FOUND SOMEONE."

SHE'S 18.

[LAUGHTER]

EIGHTEEN IS TOO YOUNG TO GET

MARRIED.

YOU CAN'T EVEN BUY ALCOHOL.

IF YOU CAN'T DRINK, HOW ARE

YOU GONNA MAKE YOUR MARRIAGE

WORK?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

MY WHOLE FAMILY IS JUST A

BIG OLD REDNECK CLICHE.

MY COUSIN AMBER IS 17 HAVING

A BABY.

AND SHE DID THAT PREGNANT

CHICK THING I HATE.

SHE CAME WALKING OVER TO ME.

SHE'S LIKE GO AHEAD, TOUCH ME.

I SAID, "SUGAR, HAVEN'T YOU BEEN

TOUCHED ENOUGH?"

[LAUGHTER]

MY MOM'S LIKE, "DON'T YOU GO

TEASING AMBER.

AMBER WENT AND MADE A LITTLE

MIRACLE!"

NO, SHE DIDN'T.

YOU DON'T MAKE A MIRACLE

IN THE BACK OF A PICKUP TRUCK.

THE BACK OF A PICKUP TRUCK

IS WHERE YOU'RE PROBABLY MAKING

A FUTURE CARNIVAL WORKER.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I CAN'T IMAGINE HAVING A BABY,

YOU KNOW.

YOU GOT THIS THING THAT RUNS

AFTER YOU.

AND THEN IT FALLS DOWN.

THEN IT FALLS INTO YOU,

THEN IT VOMITS ALL OVER YOU.

THEN IT WANTS TO SUCK ON YOUR

BREAST.

THAT'S LIKE PROM NIGHT.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

MY HUSBAND WANTS A BABY.

HE'S OLDER, SO HE'S READY

TO HAVE A BABY.

I'M NOT READY AT ALL.

I'M TOO IRRESPONSIBLE.

I'D MAKE A HORRIBLE MOTHER.

I'D PROBABLY FORGET TO PICK

THE KID UP FROM THERAPY.

[LAUGHTER]

BUT MY HUSBAND CAN GET ANYTHING

HE WANTS OUTTA ME, I SWEAR.

THAT GUY CAN TALK ME INTO

ANYTHING.

I DIDN'T EVEN WANNA GET MARRIED.

I GOT MARRIED 'CAUSE HE WANTED

TO AND I LOVE HIM SO MUCH.

I LOVE MY HUSBAND SO MUCH.

I WOULD DO ANYTHING TO MAKE

MY HUSBAND HAPPY.

[APPLAUSE]

OH, WELL, WELL, THANK YOU.

ANYTHING TO MAKE HIM HAPPY,

EXCEPT COOK OR CLEAN OR SHUT

THE [BLEEP] UP.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

OR [BLEEP], YOU KNOW, ANYTHING

TO BE-- TO MAKE HIM HAPPY.

WE GOT MARRIED IN LAS VEGAS

LAST YEAR 'CAUSE I FIGURED,

YOU KNOW, SCREW IT, WE'RE

GAMBLING ANYWAY.

[LAUGHTER]

SEX CHANGES AFTER YOU GET

MARRIED.

I THINK ABOUT THE SEX ALL THE

TIME.

RIGHT, MY MOM'S LIKE,

"YOU KNOW WHAT?

THAT'S JUST WEIRD.

YOU KNOW THAT RIGHT, THINK ABOUT

SEX ALL THE TIME?

THAT'S NOT NORMAL."

SO, I TOOK A TEST IN THE BACK

OF "COSMO".

AND APPARENTLY I'M A GUY.

[LAUGHTER]

BUT I HATE FOOTBALL, SO I'M GAY.

AND I GOT NO FASHION SENSE SO

I'M ONE OF THOSE BAD GAYS,

WHICH I THINK MAKES ME

JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

BUT I'M TELLING YOU, SEX REALLY

EVAPORATES ONCE YOU'RE MARRIED.

AND YOUR MARRIED FRIENDS TELL

YOU THE TRUTH.

YOUR GIRLFRIENDS TELL YOU WHAT'S

GONNA HAPPEN.

AND YOU'RE LIKE OH, THAT'S YOUR

RELATIONSHIP.

ME AND MY MAN, WE'RE IN LOVE.

WE'RE GONNA HAVE THAT HOT SEX

ALL THE TIME 'CAUSE WE'RE

IN LOVE.

HA-HA!

[LAUGHTER]

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.

IF I HAVE SEX WITH MY HUSBAND

AT THIS POINT, I FEEL LIKE

I'M CHEATING ON MYSELF.

[LAUGHTER]

I'M LIKE, "HONEY, YOU CAN STAY.

BUT IT'S JUST GONNA SLOW THINGS

DOWN."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

LADIES, I KNOW.

[LAUGHTER]

NEW YORKITY-YORK, HUH?

[CHEERING IN BACKGROUND]

[LAUGHTER]

I LOVE THIS TOWN.

THERE'S SO MUCH PEOPLE

AND THE CULTURE AND EVERY--

WHITE PEOPLE AND BLACK PEOPLE.

AND MISCELLANEOUS THINGS

FLOATING AROUND, STUFF

HAPPENING.

[LAUGHTER]

THINGS, PEOPLE.

I LIKE CULTURE--

EVERYONE BEING TOGETHER.

I DON'T LIKE RACISM.

IT MAKES ME AWKWARD.

YOU RACIST AGAINST BLACK PEOPLE?

YOU CAN'T BE.

'CAUSE IT'S 2004 AND THEY'RE

RIGHT BEHIND YOU.

SO, THAT'S A GOOD ANSWER.

[LAUGHTER]

THAT'S RIGHT.

YOU'LL BE A RACIST TOMORROW

SOMEWHERE SAFE AND WHITE

BUT NOT NOW.

THINK IT THROUGH.

[LAUGHTER]

I'M NOT RACIST AGAINST--

I LOVE EVERYTHING.

WOMEN, I-- AND ACROSS THE BOARD,

ASIAN WOMEN, OH, I LOVE ASIAN

WOMEN.

I HAD AN ASIAN GIRLFRIEND ONCE

FOR AN HOUR, COST ME 150 BUCKS.

BUT I TELL YOU WHAT.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

LAUNDRY, NAILS.

HUH-HUH.

THAT'S AT THE END.

[LAUGHTER]

I LOVE ASIAN WOMEN BUT I'M

NEVER GOING TO ASIA.

I'VE SEEN A LOTTA MOVIES TAKE

PLACE THERE.

IN MY HEAD, I THINK IT'S ALL

LIKE, YOU KNOW, ALL HOUSES ARE

MADE OF LIKE BAMBOO AND KLEENEX.

AND YOU CAN'T WEAR SHOES.

THERE'S STILL A BIG NINJA

PROBLEM GOING ON.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YEAH.

LIKE WE HAVE ROACHES, THEY HAVE

NINJAS.

LIKE, "DUDE, CAN I STAY AT

YOUR PLACE?

THERE'S NINJA'S ALL OVER MY

PLACE.

[LAUGHTER]

WE SET THE TRAPS, BUT THEY'RE

VERY CLEVER.

THEY JUST LEAVE THE CHEESE."

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

MY GRANDMA SENT ME TO KARATE

CLASS, THE JEWISH COMMUNITY

CENTER 'CAUSE IT WAS FREE WITH

SENSEI MASTER RABBI RABINOWITZ.

THAT GUY WAS--

[LAUGHTER]

A HEBREW NIGHTMARE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

TWO YEARS OF KARATE.

TWO HARD YEARS.

WHEN I GRADUATED, I WAS A

CLEAR BELT.

THEY ACTUALLY TOOK THE COLOR

OUT OF MY BELT.

THAT'S HOW BAD I WAS.

[LAUGHTER]

THEY HAD A LITTLE SYRINGE.

I'M LIKE, "I GET IT, I GET IT.

I'M NO GOOD".

I'M TOO BIG, MAN.

KARATE'S A SLIM GUY'S ACTIVITY.

YOU GOTTA BE SOME OF THEM LONG,

SNAPPY LIMBS.

I'M TOO BIG MAN, LOOK AT THIS.

[LAUGHTER]

IT'S JUST NATURE.

THAT'S A HIGH KICK.

THAT'S MY HIGH KICK.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

THAT'S MY TRYING TO KICK YOUR

FACE.

IT AIN'T GONNA MAKE IT.

PUT AN APPLE ON YOUR HEAD.

I'LL KICK YOU IN THE BALLS AND

HOPE IT FALLS OFF.

"AH, OH."

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

I HAD TO TRY TO TEACH MYSELF

HOW TO FIGHT WHEN I WAS YOUNGER

BY WATCHING MOVIES.

I WAS RAISED BY WOMEN FOR A

LONG TIME.

I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT THE--

I WENT TO A REAL MIXED SCHOOL

GROWING UP, MAN.

WE HAD LIKE BLACK PEOPLE AND

WHITE PERSON.

AND THAT WAS ARIGHT, 'CAUSE,

YOU KNOW, I WAS THE WHITE

PERSON.

[LAUGHTER]

I NEED TO LEARN HOW TO FIGHT,

GUY'S.

I'M LIKE, "GRAM, I'M GONNA WATCH

SOME MOVIES.

WATCH MOVIES DO WE HAVE WITH

SOME GANGS AND SOME VIOLENCE

AND SOME--"

SHE GOES, "GANGS?

HERE.

WE HAVE GREASE AND

WEST SIDE STORY."

SO I STUDIED THE MOVES.

I'M LIKE-- ARIGHT, GOT IT.

[LAUGHTER]

AND I WENT TO SCHOOL REAL COCKY,

JUST, YOU KNOW,

STARTING UP TROUBLE.

I'M SLAPPING PEOPLE AND

PUSHING 'EM.

ONE KID'S LIKE, "JAY, ENOUGH

OF THAT.

PARKING LOT, 3:30."

I WAS LIKE, "I'LL BE THERE,

I'LL BE THERE."

YOU KNOW.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

I'M LIKE, "3:30 IT IS.

SEE YOU THEN."

[APPLAUSE]

SO, 3:30 COMES.

I'M WALKING TO THIS FIGHT

NERVOUS, RIGHT?

BUT I GOTTA SHOW UP.

I HAD MY BACKGROUND DANCERS

WITH ME, SO I'M NOT THAT

NERVOUS.

[LAUGHTER]

AND WE'RE SASHAYING THIS FIGHT.

WE GET TO THE FIGHT.

EVERYONE FROM SCHOOL WAS THERE.

THEY'RE IN A BIG CIRCLE.

THEY'RE GOING, "FIGHT, FIGHT,

FIGHT."

AND I'M LOOKING AROUND.

AND THE KID HIT ME IN THE FACE

FIRST-- WHICH IS NOT IN THE

MOVIE, BY THE WAY.

SO, I'M CONFUSED.

[LAUGHTER]

HE'S LIKE, "WHAT DO YOU SAY NOW,

BITCH?"

I'M LIKE "I'M A CRAZY

MOTHER [BLEEP].

YOU DON'T WANNA MESS WITH ME."

[LAUGHTER]

AND THE BACKGROUND DANCERS

JUMPED OUT,

♪ CRAZY MOTHER [BLEEP]

♪ DON'T WANNA MESS WITH ME

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]