♪ OOOOOHHHHHHDO IT ♪

HI, EVERYBODY,I'M LYLE,

STANDING IN NEW YORK CITY,

BOOB CAPITALOF NORTH AMERICA,

LOOKING FOR GREAT NEW YORKBOOBS.

♪ DO THE HUSTLE ♪

'SCUSE ME,PARDON ME, MISS.

HI, CAN I TALK TO YOUFOR ONE SECOND ?

PARDON ME, CAN I TALKTO YOU FOR MY T-V SHOW ?

PLEASE, DON'T RUN.

BOY, SHE HAD SOME SWEETNEW YORK BOOBS.

HI, GUYS, I'M LYLE, AND YOUHAVE GREAT NEW YORK BOOBS.

OH, MY GOD !

HI, WHAT'S YOUR NAME ?

JEANNIE.JEANNIE ?

YOU HAVE GREATNEW YORK BOOBS.

OH !

FANTASTIC.

♪ DO THE HUSTLE ♪

THIS IS JOE ROGANFROM N-B-C's FEAR FACTOR.

HELLO, LADIES.HELLO.

CAN I TELLYOU SOMETHING ?

WHAT ?

YOU HAVE GREATNEW YORK BOOBS.

ARE WE TALKING"C" CUPS ?

"D" CUPS, PERHAPS ?

YES, "C","C" CUPS.

WELL, I'D DRINK FROMTHOSE "C" CUPS ANY DAY.

FABULOUS.

THEY REST ON MY ARMLIKE AN EAGLE ON A PERCH.

THESE ARE SOME OF THE BEST BOOBSYOU CAN SEE IN THE CITY.

BR-BR-BR-BROMSKY.

PLEASE, DON'T RUN,THEY'RE BUSY.

♪ DO THE HUSTLE ♪

AND THIS IS JOE ROGANFROM N-B-C's FEAR FACTOR.

CAN I TELL YOUSOMETHING ?YES.

YOU HAVE GREATNEW YORK BOOBS.

THANKS...

FABULOUS.

THAT'S MY DAD,MAN.

WELL, SIR...

YOU HAVEFABULOUS GENETICS.

THAT'S ALL I CAN TELL YOU

BECAUSE YOU HELPED MAKE A GREATSET OF NEW YORK BOOBS.

MAN, WHATTHE FUCK IS THIS ?

IF YOU'RE JUST JOINING US,

BLACK PEOPLE GOT THEIRREPARATIONS CHECKS TODAY,

AND, IN SHORT, ALL HELLHAS BROKEN LOOSE.

IN SPORTS,THE PHILADELPHIA 76ERS

TOOK ON THE NEW YORK KNICKS,

BUT SINCE NONE OF THEBLACK PLAYERS SHOWED UP,

TODD MacCULLOCH ENDED UPPLAYING ONE-ON-ONE

WITH TRAVIS KNIGHT.

MacCULLOCH HAD 75 POINTS,BEATING KNIGHT BY 7.

AFTER THE GAME,MacCULLOCH SAID THAT HE WAS HURT

THAT NONE OF THE BLACK PLAYERSSHOWED UP,

BUT UPBEAT BECAUSE HE,

QUOTE, FINALLY, FEELS LIKEHE HAS A BIG PENIS.

WELCOME TOTHE CLUB, BUDDY,

THE BIG PENIS CLUB.

FORTUNE MAGAZINE RELEASEDTHEIR ANNUAL LIST

OF THE HUNDREDWEALTHIEST PEOPLE TODAY,

AND BILL GATES HASBEEN OVERTAKEN.

"BY WHOM," YOU ASK ?

A HARLEM RESIDENT NAMEDSIMPLY... TRON.

OUR STEPHANIE GOLDIS STANDING BY WITH HIM NOW.

SO, HOW DID YOU BECOME

THE WORLD'S WEALTHIEST MAN,TRON ?

HOT HAND INA DICE GAME, BABY GIRL.

SIX HOURS STRAIGHT,TALKING 'BOUT,

CLACKITY,CLACKITY, CLACKITY CLACK !

NOW, YOU LOOKING AT THEWORLD'S RICHEST MAN,

AND I'M BLACK.

KISS MY BLACK ASS,AMERICA !

I THINK WHAT EVERYBODYWANTS TO KNOW NOW IS,

WHAT ARE YOU GOINGTO DO WITH ALL THIS MONEY ?

UH, I'M GONNA REINVEST MY MONEYINTO THE COMMUNITY.

OH, THAT'S A VERY NICEGESTURE, WHAT WILL YOU...

PSYCH !

( laughing )

OKAY, IS THAT YOUR SON ?

NO, NO, I JUST BOUGHTTHIS BABY CASH.

NO, STRAIGHT UP, THOUGH,I'M GONNA DO THE REAL THING,

AND SPEND THIS MONEYBEFORE Y'ALL HONKEYS

CHANGE YOUR MINDS.

ON THAT NOTE, CHUCK,WE'RE GONNA SEND IT

BACK TO YOUIN THE STUDIO NOW.

HOLD UP, CHUCK,I GOT YOUR GIRL.

WHAT DO YOU SAY ABOUTA LITTLE LAP DANCE

FOR THE WORLD'S RICHEST MAN ?

OH, WELL, IF YOUPUT IT THAT WAY...

CHUCK, BACK TO YOUIN THE STUDIO.

THANK YOU,STEPHANIE.

CHUCK !IN OTHER NEWS...

SUCK MY...

WE, UM, WE SEEM TO HAVELOST THE FEED.

ANYHOW, HERE WITHTHE WEATHER IS OUR OLD PAL,

RELIABLE, FRIENDLY, PORTLY...BIG AL.

( nasal )HAPPY REPARATIONS DAY,HAPPY JUNETEENTH.

JUST KIDDING.

CHUCK, I DON'T KNOWIF YOU KNOW THIS,

BUT I'VE JUST HANDEDIN MY RESIGNATION HERE

AT NEWSCENTER 3 HOURS AGO.

AND I'LL TELLYOU SOMETHING ELSE

YOU PROBABLY DIDN'T KNOW,AND THAT IS THIS:

THIS IS NOTMY REAL SPEAKING VOICE.

( deep and throaty )ACTUALLY, CHUCK,THIS MY REAL SPEAKING VOICE.

I TALK LIKE STRAIGHT-UPGANGSTER, BITCH.

MY NAME AIN'T BIG AL,IT'S ALTON SIMS, OKAY ?

UH, BIG AL, SERIOUSLY,

WHAT'S THE FORECASTFOR THE TRI-STATE AREA ?

OH, I DON'T KNOW,CHUCK.

WHY DON'T WE TAKE ALOOK AT MY TRI-STATE AREA MAP,

WHICH LOOKS A LOT LIKEMY BIG FAT ASS.

OKAY, HERE WEHAVE CONNECTICUT.

ALL THE WHITE FOLKSDRIVE DOWN 95

AND GO STRAIGHTINTO THE HOLLAND TUNNEL.

UH-OH, LOOK OUT,

HERE COMESA BIG BROWN TRUCK.

WAIT A MINUTE, THAT AIN'TNO TRUCK !

( farting )

MY GOD, BIG AL,THAT'S DISGUSTING !

♪ I'M PAIDI'M PAID ♪

♪ I'M PAIDIN THE SHADE ♪

( mouthing rhythm )

IS THAT"BEAT BOXING" ?

YOU OLD, PASTY BASTARD.

LOOK AT YOU, CHUCK,YOU LOOK SICK, MAN.

YOU LOOK LIKE YOU JUST WALKEDUP FROM GROUND ZERO.

THIS JOB SUCKS,KISS THE RINGS, BITCH.

I'M OUT.

AND THEREYOU HAVE IT.

EXCUSE ME.

INCREDIBLE, I'M RECEIVING WORDTHAT COLIN POWELL

HAS JUST BITCH-SLAPPEDVICE PRESIDENT DICK CHENEY.

WHITE PEOPLE, RUN FOR COVER,WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

AND NEEDLESS TO SAY...I GET HORNY OUT THERE.

I'M A CHRONIC MASTURBATOR.

I TRIED WHACKING OFF WITHMY P.C.,

BUT I FELT LIKE IT WASJUST TOO MUCH CLICKITY-CLACK,

CLICKITY-CLACK...

WITH MY MAC, I MEAN, THE VIDEORESOLUTION IS SO CLEAR,

I CAN SEE PARTS OF THE VAGINATHAT I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW EXISTED.

LABIAS AND FLABIASAND FLIP-FLAPS-- MAN !

I'M A CHRONIC MASTURBATOR.

I DON'T KNOW WHATTHEY MAKE THE KEYS OUT OF,

BUT, WHATEVER IT IS,IT'S NON-STICK.

AND THEN WITH iTUNES,

I CAN ACTUALLY LISTENTO SOME OF MY FAVORITE MUSIC

WHILE I'M MASTURBATING.

♪ WU TANG CLAN AIN'T NOTHINGTO MESS WITH ♪

I'M DAVE CHAPPELLEAND I LOVE INTERNET PORN.

( cheering and applause )

( man )DAVE CHAPPELLE... !

I DON'T KNOW IF ANYBODYHAS SEEN ME ON DONAHUE RECENTLY.

HAS ANYONE SEEN THAT ?THANK GOD.

DIDN'T GO QUITEAS WELL AS I THOUGHT IT WOULD

BECAUSE I WAS UNPREPARED.

THE TOPIC WAS"ANGRY WHITE MEN".

SO THEY SAID, "WELL, LET'S GETDAVE CHAPPELLE FOR THAT.

MAYBE HE'LL BE ABLE TO THROWSOMETHING IN THE CONVERSATION."

I SAID, "WELL, OKAY,I'LL COME OVER,"

'CAUSE I'M THINKINGWE'RE ACTUALLY GONNA HAVE

A CONVERSATION, BUT WHAT HAPPENSON THESE SHOWS IS ALL THE GUESTS

HAVE AN AGENDA,THEY COME IN THERE,

AND THEY'LL SAY THE SAME THINGSOVER AND OVER AGAIN.

AND I THOUGHTWE WAS JUST GONNA BE TALKING,

SO HALFWAY THROUGH THE SHOW,I JUST GAVE UP.

I HAVE THE TAPE,

I'LL SHOW YOUSOME OF THE TAPE.

IT WAS EMBARRASSING, MAN.

( man )YOU KNOW WHAT'S HAPPENED ?

HERE'S WHAT'S HAPPENEDBECAUSE OF THAT THINKING--

AS WELL INTENTIONEDAS IT MAY BE--

IS YOU HAVE TAKENTHE WHITE PEOPLE AND YOU HAVE,

"A", MADE THEM ANGRY,AND, "B", YOU TALK...

WHITE PEOPLETALK AMONGST EACH OTHER...

WHEN THEY SEEA BLACK PERSON

IN A JOB IN A COMPANY,

THEY SAY, "HE ISAN AFFIRMATIVE ACTION HIRE..."

( imitating nasally )"HE'S AN AFFIRMATIVE ACTIONHIRE."

THAT'S A LOT BETTER THAN SAYING,

"HEY, THAT NIGGA'SHOMELESS".

I'D MUCH RATHER BE CALLED"AN AFFIRMATIVE ACTION HIRE"

THAN "BROKE AND UNEMPLOYED".

AS YOU CAN SEE, THOUGH,FROM THE TAPE,

I REALLY DIDN'THAVE NOTHING TO SAY.

I WAS, LIKE, "SHOULD I JUSTCHOKE SOMEBODY, OR... ?"

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT,LET'S TAKE ANOTHER LOOK,

SEE WHAT ELSE WE GOT HERE.

I THINK ONE OF THEUNDERLYING ISSUES HERE IS

AFFIRMATIVE ACTIONFORCES SOMEBODY--

YOU'RE FORCING PEOPLE,

AND ANYTIMEYOU FORCE SOMEBODY,

I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOUGENTLEMEN,

BUT I DON'TLIKE TO BE FORCED.

WHEN I'M PUSHED,

I'M ONLY PUSHED SO FAR...AND THEN I PUSH BACK.

"FORCED."

OH, YOU MEAN,LIKE, "SLAVERY FORCED" ?

REMEMBER THAT THING WHERE YOUFORCED US TO WORK, HUH ?

WHAT DID YOU THINK ?BLACK PEOPLE WAS, LIKE,

"NO PROBLEM, BOSS,I'D LOVE TO !"

MAN, THAT WAS INFURIATING, MAN.

BUT, I, FOR ONE,I'M GONNA SAY IT PUBLICLY,

NOT ONLY AM I FOR AFFIRMATIVEACTION,

I WILL TAKEIT A STEP FURTHER...

I WANT MY REPARATIONSFOR SLAVERY.

( cheering and applause )

THAT'S RIGHT.

I'M TRYING TO GET PAIDFOR THE WORK OF MY FOREFATHERS.

DONE AND DONE.

THE ONLY THINGTHAT I WOULD SAY,

IS IF WE DO EVER GETOUR REPARATIONS,

WHICH I DOUBT,

BUT IF WE DO, WE BLACK PEOPLEHAVE GOT TO GET TOGETHER,

AND COME UP WITHA PLAN FOR THE MONEY.

THIS IS A CONSUMER-BASEDECONOMY.

YOU CAN'T JUST GIVEBLACK PEOPLE ALL THIS MONEY

AND TURN THEM LOOSEON THE STREETS.