CC Presents: Drew Fraser

  • 03/31/2005

Drew Fraser: YEAH.

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU VERY, VERY, VERY MUCH.

I GOT FRIENDS HERE, I GOT FAMILY

HERE.

MY PARENTS ARE HERE.

LOVE THEM TO DEATH.

YEAH.

MY PARENTS HAVE BEEN TOGETHER

FOR LIKE, OVER 40 YEARS, Y'ALL,

AIN'T THAT SOMETHING?

THAT'S A LONG TIME.

YEAH.

[APPLAUSE]

YEAH.

THEY'RE GETTING MARRIED

NEXT MONTH, SO WE'RE LOOKING

FORWARD TO THAT.

IT'S GONNA BE A BEAUTIFUL

WEDDING.

[LAUGHTER]

SOME OF Y'ALL ARE LAUGHING.

THE REST OF ALL ARE LIKE, "YEAH,

OKAY, WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT?

THAT'S, AH, THAT'S HOW

MY PARENTS DID IT, YEAH."

I HAD THE TYPE OF PARENTS

THAT ALWAYS LIVED BY PROVERBS.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT,

PROVERBS?

"A STITCH IN TIME SAVES NINE.

YOU REAP WHAT YOU SOW.

MAKE YOUR BED, YOU LIE IN IT."

I THINK THAT'S ONE, I THINK

EVERYBODY HERE CAN RELATE TO.

MOTHER ALWAYS TOLD ME, "ALWAYS

HAVE ON CLEAN UNDERWEAR IN CASE

YOU GET INTO AN ACCIDENT."

WHICH TO ME, IS REALLY STUPID

ADVICE 'CAUSE IF YOU'RE

GETTING READY TO GET HIT

BY A BUS, THE LAST THING YOU'RE

GONNA HAVE IS CLEAN UNDERWEAR

'CAUSE FIRST YOU SAY IT,

THEN YOU DO IT.

"OH, [BLEEP]."

[LAUGHTER]

PST!

CLEAN UNDERWEAR THAT WENT

RIGHT OUT THE DOOR.

NOW, YOU'RE LAYING AT THE SCENE

OF THE ACCIDENT SAYING

TO YOURSELF, "YOU KNOW WHAT?

MY PARENTS ARE GONNA BE

SO DISAPPOINTED IN ME.

'CAUSE I GOT ABOUT FIVE POUNDS

OF DOO DOO IN MY DRAWERS

RIGHT NOW."

[LAUGHTER]

THE ONLY TIME YOU WANNA MAKE

SURE YOU HAVE ON CLEAN UNDERWEAR

IS WHEN SEX COMES IN TO PLAY.

'CAUSE EVERYBODY KNOWS,

SOMETIMES SEX IS A SPONTANEOUS

ACT.

AND SOMETIMES IT'S A PLANNED

ACT.

NOW FELLAS, YOU CAN ALWAYS

TELL WHEN IT'S A PLANNED ACT

ON THE FEMALE'S PART, 'CAUSE

THAT'S WHEN THE BRA AND

THE PANTIES ARE A MATCHING SET.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

BELIEVE ME WHEN I TELL YOU.

IF SHE GOT ON THE BLACK BRA

AND BLACK PANTIES, SHE PLANNED

TO GIVE YOU SOME [BLEEP] THAT

NIGHT.

SO FELLAS, DO NOT FALL FOR THAT

UNIVERSAL LINE WOMEN SAY ACROSS

THE COUNTRY WHENEVER THEY GET

READY TO SLEEP WITH A MAN

FOR THE FIRST TIME, "OH, MY GOD,

I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS IS

HAPPENING."

[LAUGHTER]

"I HAD NO IDEA THIS WAS GONNA

HAPPEN.

I WANT YOU TO KNOW, I USUALLY

DON'T DO THIS."

AND SHE TAKE HER CLOTHES OFF AND

SHE GOT A $800 VICTORIA'S SECRET

SET UNDERNEATH, OKAY.

SHE KNEW WHAT WAS GONNA HAPPEN

WHEN SHE CAME OVER THERE.

NOW, SHE TAKE HER CLOTHES OFF

AND SHE GOT A GREEN BRA WITH A

SAFETY PIN ATTACHED TO IT,

WELL...

[LAUGHTER]

IT WAS PRETTY MUCH UNEXPECTED.

ANOTHER THING MY PARENTS,

I GREW UP BROKE.

WE GREW UP BROKE.

WE WEREN'T POOR, BUT WE WERE

BROKE.

AND MY PARENTS ALWAYS TOLD ME,

"WELL, YOU KNOW, YOU COME FROM

ADVERSITY, THAT MEANS YOU'RE

GONNA EXCEL," AND SO FORTH AND

SO ON.

AND I'M WATCHING THE KIDS OF

TODAY.

KIDS ARE DIFFERENT THAN WHEN

I WAS GROWING UP.

YOU EVER SEE THESE KIDS GO

ROLLER SKATING NOW?

YOU EVER SEE 'EM GO ROLLER

SKATING?

THEY GOT ON KNEEPADS,

ELBOW PADS, A HELMET...

A BRAKE ON THEIR SKATES.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WHEN I

WENT SKATING, WE HAD STEEL

SKATES WITH IRON WHEELS.

THE SKATES WEIGHED 150 POUNDS

EACH.

YOU'D HAVE NO BRAKE.

IF YOU WANTED TO SLOW DOWN,

YOU SKATED ON GRASS.

THAT'S HOW YOU SLOWED DOWN.

IF YOU WANTED TO STOP, YOU HAD

TO HEAD TOWARDS A TREE.

THAT WAS YOUR BRAKE RIGHT THERE,

A TREE.

AFTER A NIGHT OF SKATING,

YOU CAME IN THE HOUSE, YOU HAD

LACERATIONS, CONTUSIONS.

BUT YOU HAD FUN.

THAT'S WHAT IT'S ALL ABOUT,

HAVING FUN.

AND I GREW UP, WE WERE SIX OF

US, THREE BOYS, THREE GIRLS,

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING.

MY PARENTS, I THINK, BOUGHT US

MAYBE ONE PAIR OF SKATES.

SO, I WANTED TO GO SKATING,

I HAD THE RIGHT FOOT, MY BROTHER

HAD THE LEFT FOOT.

WE HAD TO SKATE AND WALK

AT THE SAME TIME.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

IT TOOK US EIGHT HOURS TO SKATE

TWO BLOCKS.

IT'S RIDICULOUS.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

BUT I FEEL SORRY FOR THE KIDS

NOW.

I FEEL SORRY FOR THE KIDS, MAN.

'CAUSE NOW THE KIDS CAN'T DO

EVERYTHING LIKE WE DO.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

I REMEMBER BACK IN THE DAY--

I COULD GO OUTSIDE AND PLAY

ALL DAY, ALL NIGHT, FROM SUNUP

TO SUNUP.

YOU HAD A GREAT TIME OUTSIDE.

NOT NO MORE.

KIDS ARE WORRIED.

KIDS ARE SCARED.

KIDS ARE SCARED OF CHILD

MOLESTERS.

YES.

WHEN I WAS GROWING UP, A CHILD

MOLESTER WAS YOUR FRIEND.

HE WAS A CREEPY GUY THAT LIVED

NEXT DOOR.

YOU SAT ON HIS LAP.

HE GAVE YOU A DOLLAR.

THAT WAS A GOOD THING.

THAT WAS CHILD MOLESTATION,

AND I LIKED IT.

[LAUGHTER]

NOW KIDS ARE SCARED.

THE KIDS ARE SCARED.

AND IF YOU LIVE IN THE SUBURBS,

PLEASE TAKE CARE OF YOUR KIDS

'CAUSE USUALLY THAT'S WHERE

IT HAPPENS, IN THE SUBURBS.

EVERY TIME YOU TURN ON THE NEWS,

"BECKY SUE IS MISSING!

HAS ANYBODY SEEN CAROL ANN?!

JOSHUA FITZPATRICK IS GONE!"

YOU AIN'T NEVER HEARD OF

TEE-TEE, TAY-TAY, RAY-RAY,

SHANIQUA MISSING.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

KIDS IN THE INNER CITY

BE OUTSIDE ALL DAY, NOBODY

SNATCH THEIR BROKE ASS.

THAT'S BECAUSE THEIR PARENTS

PUT THE FEAR OF GOD IN THEM.

LISTEN HERE.

I JUST STARTED THIS JOB,

SHANIQUA.

I AIN'T GOT NO KIDNAPPING MONEY.

YOU GO TO SCHOOL, AND YOU BRING

YOUR BROKE ASS BACK IN THIS

HOUSE.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD, YO.

IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD.

I'M CONVINCED IT'S THE END OF

THE WORLD.

EVERYTHING IS BAD FOR YOU NOW.

YOU EVER NOTICE THAT?

EVERYTHING IS BAD.

YOU CAN'T DRINK THE WATER.

YOU CAN'T EAT THE MEAT.

EVERY TIME YOU TURN ON THE NEWS,

WHAT DO THEY TELL YOU?

"BRING THE MEAT BACK.

SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH THE

MEAT!"

MEANWHILE, YOU'RE SITTING WITH

HALF A HAM SANDWICH YOU ATE

ALREADY-- WHAT'S GOING ON

WITH THE MEAT?

I'M EATING THE MEAT RIGHT NOW,

WHAT ARE THEY TALKING ABOUT?

WHAT'S GOING ON WITH THE MEAT?

THEN THEY TELL YOU YOU GOT BAD

EYESIGHT, EVERYBODY.

SMOKE MARIJUANA.

THEY SAY WEED WILL CLEAR UP

YOUR EYESIGHT.

WEED MAKES YOU FORGET [BLEEP].

AND IT MAKES YOU HUNGRY.

NOW, YOU SMOKE THE WEED,

YOUR EYES ARE CLEARED UP.

YOU GO BACK AND MAKE A

HAM SANDWICH.

NOW YOU'RE [BLEEP] ALL OVER

AGAIN.

IT'S JUST A...

I DONE ATE THE HAM AGAIN,

[BLEEP].

WHOLE WORLD IS GOING TO AN END,

MAN.

OUR ENTERTAINERS ARE LOSING

THEIR MINDS.

MY MAN MICHAEL JACKSON,

MICHAEL JACKSON, OH MY GOD.

I THINK MICHAEL JACKSON ONE OF

THE GREATEST ENTERTAINERS OF OUR

DAY.

BUT--

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

YES.

UNFORTUNATELY, HE'S LOSING

HIS MIND, TOO.

MIKE IS THE ONLY MAN I KNOW IN

MORE TROUBLE NOW THAT HE'S WHITE

THAN HE WAS WHEN HE WAS BLACK.

YOU KNOW THE THING I'M TALKING

ABOUT?

[LAUGHTER]

AS SOON AS HE TURNED HIMSELF

INTO A WHITE WOMAN, ALL HELL

BROKE LOOSE FOR MIKE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

EVERYTHING FOR MIKE STARTED

GOING DOWNHILL WHEN HE HUNG

HIS BABY OUT THE WINDOW.

REMEMBER THAT, HE HUNG HIS CHILD

OUT THE WINDOW.

PEOPLE WERE COMPLAINING,

WRITING IN, "HOW COULD HE DO

THAT?"

YOU EVER NOTICE THAT THE ONLY

PEOPLE THAT COMPLAINED WERE

THE PEOPLE WHO DON'T HAVE KIDS?

[LAUGHTER]

EVERYBODY HERE GOT KIDS KNOW

EVERY NOW AND THEN YOU WANT TO

HANG ONE OF THEM SONS OF BITCHES

OUT A WINDOW BUT YOU JUST DON'T

DO IT.

THE MEDIA KEEPS TALKING ABOUT,

WHY DO KIDS KEEP SLEEPING IN

MIKE'S BED?

WHY THEY KEEP SLEEPING WITH

MIKE?

LET ME TELL YOU ALL SOMETHING,

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

I'M A GROWN-ASS MAN.

IF I SPENT A NIGHT AT MIKE'S

HOUSE, I'M SLEEPING IN HIS BED.

ARE YOU CRAZY?

THAT'S WHERE THE MONEY'S AT.

[LAUGHTER]

I NOT SLEEPING WITH TITO,

I'M SLEEPING WITH MIKE.

AND I'M COMING TO BED SEXY THAN

A SON OF A BITCH, TOO.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I'M COMING TO BED WITH A T-SHIRT

ON, TIED UP IN A KNOT, WITH SOME

BIKER SHORTS AND SOME LIP GLOSS.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND IF MIKE SO MUCH AS

RUB AGAINST ME BY ACCIDENT,

I'M SUING HIM FOR $198 MILLION.

I'M GETTING SOME MONEY OUTTA

THIS SLEEPOVER.

I AIN'T LEAVING OUTTA THERE

EMPTY-HANDED.

AND I'M COMING BACK IN TWO WEEKS

WITH BOTH MY KIDS.

ARE YOU CRAZY?

COME ON, Y'ALL, WE'RE GETTING

READY TO GO SLEEP AT MIKE'S

HOUSE.

HA-HA!

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, DON'T PUT

NO PANTS ON.

YOU'RE NOT GONNA NEED PANTS.

YOU'RE NOT GONNA NEED PANTS.

I WANT MIKE TO KNOW WE CAME

OVER THERE TO COOPERATE.

TAKE YOUR PANTS OFF.

TAKE YOUR PANTS OFF.

JUST WEAR A T-SHIRT AND SOME

FLIP-FLOPS.

COME ON, LET'S GO, LET'S GO.

JAMAL, STOP CRYING.

STOP CRYING!

COME ON, COME ON, COME ON.

[LAUGHTER]

SOME OF Y'ALL LAUGHING,

THE REST OF YOU ARE LIKE,

"YOU KNOW WHAT, THAT'S NOT A BAD

IDEA.

BRING THE KIDS."

[LAUGHTER]

LOTTA THINGS GOING DOWN,

A LOTTA THINGS IS CRAZY NOW.

THE WAR ON DRUGS.

YOU DON'T HEAR ABOUT THE WAR ON

DRUGS ANY MORE.

REMEMBER THE WAR ON DRUGS,

IN THE '80s?

THE WAR ON DRUGS.

"JUST SAY NO."

NOW YOU DON'T HEAR ABOUT THAT.

YOU KNOW WHY?

NOW, THE GOVERNMENT IS THE

BIGGEST DRUG DEALER EVER.

THE GOVERNMENT SELL MORE DRUGS

THAN ANY DRUG DEALER COULD

EVER SELL IN THEIR LIVES.

BELIEVE ME WHEN I TELL YOU.

[APPLAUSE]

OVER-THE-COUNTER PRESCRIPTION

DRUGS-- THEY'D SELL YOU DRUGS,

YOU WON'T EVEN KNOW IF YOU

SUPPOSED TO TAKE úEM OR NOT.

ALL YOU KNOW IS, YOU'RE LYING

IN BED WATCHING TV.

"DO YOU FEEL TIRED?

DO YOU FEEL SLUGGISH?

DO YOU FEEL LIKE NOT GOING

TO WORK TODAY?"

AND YOU'RE LYING THERE LIKE,

"YEAH, I DON'T."

[LAUGHTER]

"WELL, MAYBE YOU NEED

YAKAYAKAYAKAMAKA."

AND YOU'RE LYING THERE LIKE

"MAYBE I DO NEED

YAKAYAKAYAKAMAKA."

[LAUGHTER]

FELLAS, THEY GOT A PILL

OUT THERE TO HELP A MAN KEEP

AN ERECTION FOR EIGHT HOURS.

WHO THE HELL WANT A [BLEEP]

PENIS FOR EIGHT HOURS?!

EVERY MAN IN HERE KNOW THE

AVERAGE VAGINA ONLY STAYS READY

FOR 30 MINUTES.

AFTER A WHILE, YOU AIN'T MAKING

LOVE, YOU'RE BUILDING A CAMPFIRE

IN THE [BLEEP] ROOM.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THAT AIN'T THE SWEET SMELL OF

LOVE IN THE AIR.

THAT'S BURNING FLESH RIGHT ABOUT

NOW.

AND FOR EVERY PILL, THEY ALL

HAVE THE SAME SIDE EFFECTS,

AM I RIGHT?

RUNNY NOSE, NAUSEA, AND

DIARRHEA.

NOW, I DON'T KNOW ABOUT Y'ALL.

BUT TO ME, DIARRHEA'S NOT

A SIDE EFFECT.

THAT'S A WHOLE 'NOTHER MAJOR

PROBLEM.

NOW FELLAS, YOU TAKE THE PILL.

YOUR PENIS IS ROCK [BLEEP].

YOUR NOSE IS RUNNING,

YOUR STOMACH HURTS, AND YOU

SMELL LIKE [BLEEP].

NOW, NOBODY WANNA [BLEEP] YOU

ANYWAY.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU GOT WOMEN RUNNING AWAY FROM

YOU.

"HEY, WHERE YOU GOING?

[GAS]

"DON'T WORRY ABOUT THAT.

LOOK AT THIS.

LOOK AT THIS.

[GAS CONTINUES] THAT'S GONNA GO

AWAY.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT THAT.

LOOK AT THIS.

LOOK AT THE SHINE ON THIS THING.

LOOK AT THE CURVE ON IT.

[GAS] THAT'S GONNA GO AWAY.

LOOK AT THIS RIGHT HERE!

[GAS CONTINUES]

LOOK AT THIS.

CONCENTRATE ON THIS!

LOOK AT THIS."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

Drew Fraser: AH, WHOLE THING IS

CRAZY, MAN.

WHOLE THING IS CRAZY, MAN.

THAT'S WHY I'M JUST TRYING TO

SETTLE DOWN.

I'M JUST TRYING TO SETTLE DOWN.

THIS IS THE LAST YEARS,

LAST DAYS.

TRYING TO SETTLE DOWN.

TRYING TO FIND ME ONE WOMAN THAT

I CAN SPEND THE REST OF THIS

WEEKEND WITH.

THAT'S REALLY WHAT I WANT,

RIGHT THERE.

[LAUGHTER]

THAT'S REALLY WHAT I WANT,

RIGHT THERE.

'CAUSE I HAVE NO LUCK

WITH WOMEN, NO LUCK WITH WOMEN.

I KNOW, LADIES, YOU'RE LOOKING

AT ME LIKE, "OH, YOU ARE FINE AS

HELL."

NO.

[LAUGHTER]

[APPLAUSE]

DOESN'T HELP.

I ALWAYS MEET WOMEN AT THE WRONG

TIME.

MY FRIENDS MEET THE RIGHT TYPE

OF FEMALES.

MY FRIENDS MEET WOMEN THAT

WANT TO HAVE SEX RIGHT AWAY.

DO IT RIGHT THERE IN THE CAR,

IN THE PARK, WANNA GET THEIR

LOVEMAKING ON.

NOT ME.

I MEET WOMEN THAT USED TO

[BLEEP].

[LAUGHTER]

BUT DON'T ANY MORE, NOW THAT

THE LORD JESUS CHRIST IS IN

THEIR LIFE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND BE QUICK TO TELL ME ABOUT

IT.

"YOU KNOW, BEFORE I MET YOU,

I USED TO SLEEP WITH EVERYBODY.

BUT I DON'T ANY MORE, NOW THAT

I FOUND GOD."

I MET THIS ONE GIRL, SHE GONNA

TELL ME, "YOU KNOW WHAT, DREW?

YOU WANT TO GET NEXT TO ME,

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO GO

TO CHURCH."

SO NOW I'M IN CHURCH.

PRAYING FOR VAGINA.

AIN'T THIS A DAMN SHAME?

I'M LIKE "OH, PLEASE GOD,

HELP ME."

[LAUGHTER]

AND NOWADAYS, YOU CAN'T

SLEEP WITH EVERYBODY LIKE

YOU COULD BACK IN THE DAY.

BACK IN THE DAY, EVERYTHING WAS

BEAUTIFUL, MAN.

YOU COULD JUST GO SLEEP AROUND

AND FEEL GOOD.

WAKE UP IN THE MORNING GO ABOUT

YOUR BUSINESS, NOT NO MORE.

NOWADAYS, YOU SLEEP WITH

SOMEBODY ON MONDAY YOU'RE DEAD

ON TUESDAY.

YOU GOT TO LOOK FOR THE

WARNING SIGNS.

THAT'S WHY I DON'T MESS AROUND

WITH NO SKINNY WOMEN.

UH-HUH.

LOSING WEIGHT IS THE FIRST SIGN.

A SKINNY GIRL WANNA DATE ME, SHE

GOT TO SHOW ME SOME OLD PHOTOS.

I GOTTA MAKE SURE SHE'S BEEN

SKINNY A LONG-ASS TIME.

LET ME SEE YOUR YEARBOOK.

YOU BETTER BE SKINNY IN THE

TENTH GRADE.

I AIN'T MESSING AROUND WITH

YOUR ASS.

I AIN'T MESSING AROUND WITH

NOBODY THAT'S SKINNY AND GOT A

COUGH.

"HEY, GIRL, HOW YOU DOING?"

"[COUGHS] I'M OKAY."

"OH, HELL, NO.

NO, YOU'RE NOT, NO, YOU'RE NOT.

YOU'RE SKINNY AND YOU'RE

COUGHING?

I DON'T THINK SO.

I DON'T THINK SO."

NOW IT' ALL ABOUT THE CONDOMS

NOW.

YOU GOTTA WEAR YOUR CONDOMS.

YOU GOTTA USE CONDOMS.

YES.

AND FELLAS, I'M GONNA TELL YOU

RIGHT NOW.

BRING YOUR OWN CONDOMS TOO,

'CAUSE NOW WOMEN CARRY CONDOMS.

AND THEY WILL EMBARRASS YOU

WITH THEM.

I WAS MAKING LOVE TO THIS ONE

GIRL.

I'M GETTING READY TO PULL OUT

MY CONDOM.

SHE SAID, "NO, NO, NO,

THAT'S OKAY.

I HAVE ONE FOR YOU."

SHE PULLED OUT ONE OF THEM BIG

GIANT ONES.

YOU KNOW THE ONES?

[LAUGHTER]

YOU KNOW THE ONE THAT COME IN

THAT GOLD CASE, YOU KNOW,

LOOK LIKE A CD CASE.

HAVE YOU EVER SEEN THIS THING?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I SWEAR TO GOD, I OPENED

THAT THING A HEFTY BAG FELL OUT.

I WAS LIKE WHAT THE...?

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

I PUT THAT THING ON,

I HAD MY PENIS, MY BALLS--

EVERYTHING WAS INSIDE THAT

THING.

I DON'T...

I HAD TO GO GET A RUBBER BAND

TO TIE IT DOWN WITH.

I SAID, THIS IS RIDICULOUS.

IS THIS MUCH AIR SUPPOSED TO BE

IN HERE?

THIS IS CRAZY.

[LAUGHTER]

THAT'S WHY I SAY THANK GOD,

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING, GET A

LITTLE BIT OLDER.

AND YOU EVER NOTICE THAT

THE OLDER YOU GET, THE MORE

THINGS BEGIN TO MAKE SENSE?

YES.

I REMEMBER BACK THE TIME WHEN I

WOULD LISTEN TO MY PARENTS,

AND I WAS ALWAYS SAYING WHEN

I WAS YOUNG, "I NEVER WANT TO BE

LIKE MY PARENTS.

I'M NOT GONNA BE LIKE THAT WHEN

I GET OLDER."

YOU GET 25, 30 YEARS OLD,

AND YOU REALIZE YOU ARE YOUR

PARENTS.

YOU START TAKING LIGHTS OFF OF

ROOMS YOU'RE NOT IN ANY MORE.

YOU TURN OF VIDEOS TO WATCH

THE NEWS.

THE OLDER YOU GET, YOU CAN'T DO

NOTHING UNLESS THERE'S A NAP

BUILT INTO THE EQUATION.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

SOME OF YOU ALL, WOULDN'T OF

CAME OUT TONIGHT UNLESS YOU GOT

SOME SLEEP FIRST.

"AH, YOU WANNA GO TO THE SHOW?

LET ME LAY DOWN FOR A COUPLE OF

HOURS.

I'M TIRED AS HELL 'CAUSE I

DIDN'T GET NO SLEEP LAST NIGHT.

I DON'T CARE WHO PERFORMING

TONIGHT.

I GOTTA GO HOME AND GET SOME

REST."

[LAUGHTER]

HERE'S HOW YOU KNOW WHEN YOU'RE

REALLY GETTING OLD.

YOU GO OUT SOMEWHERE,

AND THE FIRST THING YOU DO IS

START LOOKING FOR CHAIRS.

"MAN, THERE'S NOWHERE TO SIT

DOWN IN HERE?

I NEED A SEAT.

THERE'S NO SEATS LEFT,

THERE'S NO SEATS AT ALL?

YOUNG MAN, CAN YOU BRING

SOME SEATS OUT, PLEASE?"

"WHAT TIME DOES THE SHOW START?

FIVE MINUTES?

OH, I CAN'T STAND UP FOR

FIVE MINUTES.

OH, MY GOD.

WHY DID YOU ALL OVERSELL?

THIS IS CRAZY.

OH, MY GOODNESS, IT'S CROWDED.

THIS IS BANANAS."

[LAUGHTER]

WHEN YOU WERE YOUNG, YOU HAD

TO BE AT WORK AT 9:00 AM.

YOU WAKE UP AT 8:30, [BLEEP],

SHOWER, AND SHAVE.

OUT THE DOOR, AND AT WORK

ON TIME.

BOY, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

YOU HIT 25, 30 YEARS OLD,

YOU WAKE UP AT 8:30, YOU WILL

SIT AT THE SIDE OF THE BED

FOR 15 MINUTES AND CONTEMPLATE

WHETHER YOU GONNA GO TO WORK

OR NOT.

"MAN, I'M TIRED AS HELL.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

THEY'VE BEEN DISRESPECTING ME

AT THAT JOB.

THEY LISTEN TO WHAT I TELL THEM.

IT BETTER NOT BE RAINING

OUTSIDE, 'CAUSE I AIN'T GONNA

BE LATE AND WET, THAT'S FOR

[BLEEP] SURE.

YOU KNOW, LET ME JUST LAY DOWN

FOR FIVE MORE MINUTES, FIVE MORE

MINUTES.

LET ME LAY DOWN FOR FIVE

MINUTES."

[CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

YOU LAY DOWN FOR FIVE MORE

MINUTES, YOU WAKE UP,

IT'S FRIDAY.

AIN'T THIS A DAMN SHAME?

I DONE MISS THREE DAYS OUT HERE.

GONNA HAVE TO TELL MY JOB

THE TALIBAN GOT ME OR SOMETHING.

THIS IS RIDICULOUS.

THE OLDER YOU GET YOUR SEX LIFE

CHANGES.

YES, IT DOES CHANGE.

IT GETS BETTER, 'CAUSE NOW

YOU'RE OLDER, YOU KNOW WHAT

YOU'RE DOING.

BUT IT DOES CHANGE.

EVERY MAN IN HERE THAT'S OVER

25, 30 YEARS OLD KNOW WHAT

I'M TALKING ABOUT.

I REMEMBER BACK IN THE DAY,

WHEN YOU MADE LOVE TO A WOMAN,

ALL YOU HAD TO DO IN THE BEDROOM

WAS TWO GOOD MINUTES.

POW, POW, POW!

[LAUGHTER]

AND SHE WAS HAPPY TO GET THAT.

FELLAS, NOT NO MORE, THESE WOMEN

ARE GREEDY AS HELL!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

LOOK AT úEM CLAPPING!

[LAUGHTER]

THESE WOMEN WANT TO REACH

THE PROMISED LAND THREE, FOUR,

FIVE TIMES IN ONE NIGHT.

LISTEN HERE, I AIN'T GOT THAT

KIND OF TIME.

SEX WITH ME IS LIKE A RACE.

WE BOTH START AT THE SAME TIME.

BUT WHOEVER GET TO THE

PROMISED LAND FIRST IS THE

WINNER!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

TOO MUCH, MAN.

IT'S A BEAUTIFUL COUNTRY WE LIVE

IN.

I'M VERY, VERY HAPPY TO BE

A PART OF THIS COUNTRY AMERICA.

YEAH.

YEAH.

[CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

BUT UNFORTUNATELY LADIES AND

GENTLEMEN, THIS COUNTRY DOES DO

SOME BAD THINGS TO OTHER PEOPLE.

AND YET WHEN THOSE BAD THINGS

HAPPEN, THAT'S WHEN THEY WANT

TO GROUP US ALL TOGETHER.

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING,

BEFORE 9/11 WE WERE ALL

SEPARATE.

AND WE'RE BLACK PEOPLE, ASIANS,

LATINOS, WHATEVER.

NOW ALL OF A SUDDEN WE'RE ALL

AMERICANS.

THAT'S WHAT THEY TELL US.

AS SOON AS THEY COME ON THE TV,

"WELL, THEY'RE AFTER US!

THEY'RE AFTER US!"

NO, THEY AFTER Y'ALL!"

[LAUGHTER]

THEY BLEW THE WORLD TRADE CENTER

UP AT 8:45, THEY KNEW DAMN WELL

[BLEEP] WEREN'T COMING TO WORK

TILL 9:15, 10:30, 10:45, 2:00.

[WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE]

HELL, SOME OF US WENT TO WORK

THE NEXT DAY LOOKING FOR THE

BUILDINGS.

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?

WHAT...?

DID THEY MOVE?

WHERE THE HELL IS THE BUILDING'S

AT?

WHAT'S GOING ON?

I KNOW ONE THING THEY BETTER

HAVE MY CHECK.

THAT'S ALL I KNOW.

THEY BETTER HAVE MY CHECK.

I DID 72 HOURS LAST WEEK.

THEY BETTER HAVE MY CHECK.

[LAUGHTER]

I WANT MY CHECK.

YOU KNOW SOMETHING LIKE THAT

HAPPENS-- YOU KNOW-- YOU WANT--

YOU REALLY WANT TO BE CONCERNED.

YOU WANT TO BE-- WELL WHAT?

MY GOD, THEY BLEW UP THE WORLD

TRADE CENTER, YOU KIDDING ME?

1,000 PEOPLE ARE DEAD.

OH MY GOD, WHAT THE--

OH.

[LAUGHTER]

PAYROLL, WHAT'S--

WHAT'S GOING ON WITH PAYROLL?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THE-- THE GUY WITH THE CHECKS...

THE GUY WITH THE CHECKS,

DID THEY FIND HIM?

DID THEY FIND THE CHECKS?

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

NOTHING ABOUT PAYROLL?

[LAUGHTER]

HIS NAME IS BOB.

BOB.

HE HAS THE CHECKS ON THURSDAY

MORNING.

YOU DON'T HAVE NOTHING ABOUT--

NOTHING ABOUT THE CHECKS AT ALL?

[LAUGHTER]

HAAA!

THAT'S WHY I SAY THANK GOD

FOR MY PARENTS.

THANK GOD FOR MY PARENTS.

GAVE ME A LOT OF GREAT ADVICE.

ONE GOOD PIECE OF ADVICE

MY PARENT'S GAVE ME WHEN I WAS

GROWING UP WAS "ALWAYS DOO DOO

BEFORE YOU LEAVE THE HOUSE".

[LAUGHTER]

WHICH IS SOME OF THE REASON WHY

SOME OF YOU ARE NOT LAUGHING

TOO LOUD RIGHT NOW.

YOU KNOW, LEFT YOUR HOUSE

WITHOUT TAKING CARE OF BUSINESS.

YOU'RE SITTING IN YOUR CHAIRS

RIGHT NOW WITH YOUR BUTT CHEEKS

ALL CLENCHED UP TIGHT.

TRYING TO HOLD THE DOO DOO IN.

'CAUSE YOU KNOW IF YOU LAUGH

TOO LOUD, "AHH AHHHAHHA

PBLLLBHBT."

[LAUGHTER]

'CAUSE EVERYBODY KNOW RULE

NUMBER ONE IS YOU NEVER WANT

TO GET CAUGHT DOO DOOING IN THE

PUBLIC RESTROOM.

SOMETIMES YOUR STOMACH STARTS

BUBBLING UP.

YOU'RE OUT.

YOU'RE LIKE, "OH, I CAN'T

MAKE IT HOME."

"I GOT TO GO."

NOW IS IT ME OR WHEN YOU GO

TO THE BATHROOM AND TAKE CARE OF

BUSINESS, NOBODY IN THERE.

BUT AS SOON AS YOU SIT ON

THAT TOILET THAT'S WHEN

EVERYBODY COMES RUSHING THE HELL

IN.

SO NOW YOU'RE ON THE TOILET

TRYING TO TAKE CARE OF THE

NUMBER TWO.

PEOPLE ARE COMING AND YOU'RE

LOOKING THROUGH THAT LITTLE

CRACK IN THE DOOR TO SEE WHO

THE HELL THEY'RE COME IN.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

NOW YOU DONE STUNK UP THE WHOLE

BATHROOM.

PEOPLE ARE COMING IN LIKE, "WHO

THE HELL DONE DIED IN HERE?!

SOMEBODY ATE A RAT.

WHO IS IN HERE?"

NOW YOU DUCK DOWN LIKE--

"DAMN I HOPE THEY LEAVE SO I CAN

GET THE HELL ON OUT OF HERE."

THE ONLY THING WORSE THAN THAT--

WHEN YOU GO TO THE BATHROOM

JUST TO WASH YOUR HANDS WHILE

SOMEBODY WAS IN THERE BEFORE YOU

AND THEY BLEW THE WHOLE BATHROOM

UP.

SUDDENLY YOU COME IN THERE

WASHING YOUR HANDS LIKE, "OOH,

WHO THE HELL WAS IN HERE BEFORE

ME?"

SOMEBODY GONNA COME OPEN THE

DOOR.

SMELL THE SMELL.

THEN LOOK AT YOU LIKE YOU DID

IT.

NOW YOU GOTTA RUN BEHIND THEM

AND TRY TO EXPLAIN SOMETHING.

"HOLD ON, IT WASN'T ME.

WASN'T ME.

SOMEBODY ELSE WAS IN THERE.

THEY HAD ON BLACK SHOES.

I SAW THEIR SHOES.

I SAW THE SHOES."

THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH,

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY

COMEDY CENTRAL.

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