Wednesday, February 12, 2014

  • 02/12/2014

Matt Braunger, Aparna Nancherla and Ron Funches create cold weather band names, look for valentines on OkCupid and try to name an @midnight fan's new baby.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNET

HEADLINES, IT'S "RAPID REFRESH."

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

THE OLYMPICS' FIERCEST

COMPETITION SO FAR IS WHO CAN

TURN OUT THE BEST OLYMPIC MEMES

AND GIFS.

WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING MEMES

AND/OR GIFS GOT THE MOST

UPVOTES?

A) SHAUN WHITE AS FLAPPY BIRD.

B) PUTIN RIDING THIS CUDDLY

OLYMPIC MASCOT IN A VERY

STRAIGHT MANNER.

(LAUGHTER)

IT ALMOST LOOKS LIKE IT'S PART

OF HIS BODY, LIKE HE'S A

CENTAUR.

>> LIKE A BEAR-TAUR.

>> Chris: LIKE AN OLYMPIC

BEAR-TAUR.

OR C) THIS IS WHY HOTH WAS

DENIED ITS WINTER OLYMPICS BID.

(LAUGHTER)

THE AT-ATs: ALL-TERRAIN

ARMORED TRANSPORTS.

WHICH ONE GOT THE MOST RETWEETS?

APARNA?

>> I'M GOING TO GO WITH B, PUTIN

AND THE BEAR-TAUR.

I USED TO PLAY THE BEAR-TAUR.

>> Chris: OH, DID YOU REALLY?

>> YEAH.

>> Chris: I'M SO SORRY, THE

CORRECT ANSWER IS C.

(AUDIENCE REACTS)

THE AT-ATs BLOWING (BLEEP) UP.

>> AND KILLING A MAN.

THAT'S PRETTY HARSH.

I MEAN THAT'S ACTUAL FOOTAGE,

RIGHT?

LIKE HE MURDERED HIM WITH AN

AT-AT, WHICH WAS REAL.

>> Chris: THAT WOULD BE FROM

"EMPIRE STRIKES BACK."

WHICH, BY THE WAY, I WOULD SAY

PUTIN IS VERY MUCH LIKE THE

EMPEROR AT THIS POINT.

>> YEAH.

>> Chris: "TAKE YOUR PLACE AT

MY RUSSIAN SIDE!"

(LAUGHTER)

EVERY TIME YOU SEE HIM, YOU JUST

THINK HE IS GOING TO START

SHOOTING LIGHTNING OUT OF

HIS HANDS.

>> I'M SEEING THE EMPEROR FROM

STAR WARS IN "THE EMPIRE STRIKES

BACK" WITH NO SHIRT ON.

WHERE IS YOUR ROBE?

GET YOUR ROBE.

>> Chris: HE STARTS HAND

SHOCKING HIS OWN NIPPLES.

>> MAKING THE FLABBY FOLDS MOVE

WITH THE ELECTRICITY.

>> Chris: AUTO-EROTICALLY FORCE

CHOKING HIMSELF WHILE HE

(BLEEP).

(LAUGHTER)

ALL RIGHT, THE EAST COAST IS

ABOUT TO GET POUNDED WITH MORE

SNOW AS YOU CAN SEE FROM THIS

YOUNG CHILD'S REPRESENTATION ON

THE NEW YORK ONE NEWS CHANNEL'S

TWITTER FEED.

STORM.

(LAUGHTER)

BY THE WAY, AMERICA NEEDS TO

WAX!

THIS IS...

(LAUGHTER)

WAY '70S.

OR JUST TAKE IT ALL OFF AND GO

GREAT PLAINS.

>> NO, YOU DO YOU, AMERICA.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: SCHOOLS ARE CLOSED ALL

OVER THE EAST COAST.

HOW DID THE PRINCIPAL AT

WHITE KNOLL ELEMENTARY SCHOOL

BREAK THE NEWS TO HIS STUDENTS?

A) SENDING A MASS TEXT SAYING

"NO SCHOOL. LATER, LOSERS."

B) RAPPING TO VANILLA ICE'S "ICE

ICE BABY'"

OR C) SENDING A SELFIE ON A

BEACH VACATION.

YES, RON.

>> B?

>> Chris: LET'S FIND OUT.

>> ♪ ALL RIGHT, STOP,

WAKE UP AND LISTEN

ICE IS BACK AND THE ROADS

ARE SLIPPIN. ♪

♪ ICE, ICE, BABY --

WE'RE CLOSED

ICE, ICE, BABY. ♪

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

RIGHT NOW IT'S TIME FOR

TONIGHT'S #HASHTAGWARS.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

WE JUST SHOWED YOU FOOTAGE OF AN

ELEMENTARY SCHOOL PRINCIPAL

INFORMING HIS STUDENTS THAT

SCHOOL IS BEING CLOSED BY

RAPPING TO "ICE ICE BABY," WHICH

GAVE US THE IDEA FOR TONIGHT'S

#HASHTAGWARS: #FROZENBANDS.

#FROZENBANDS.

EXAMPLES WOULD BE:

"CHILLY VANILI."

"NEGATIVE 98 DEGREES."

"MIAMI SNOCONE MACHINE."

I'M GOING TO PUT 60 SECONDS ON

THE CLOCK, AND GO.

BRAUNGER.

>> SNOW-ASIS!

>> Chris: POINTS!

YES, RON.

>> QUEENS OF THE ICE AGE.

Chris: POINTS!

APARNA?

>> AC/AC.

>> Chris: YES, POINTS, POINTS.

RON?

>> FROZEN TO DEATH LEPPARD.

>> Chris: YES, POINTS.

APARNA.

>> DEPECHE À LA MODE.

>> Chris: POINTS.

OH, TAKING IT DESSERT-Y.

YES, BRAUNGER.

>> FREE-Z TOP.

>> Chris: YES, POINTS.

RON?

>> I.C.P, THAT'S ICE CREAM

POSSE.

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: APARNA?

>> RADIO WALT DISNEY'S HEAD.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: OH, BECAUSE IT'S

FROZEN!

OH MY GOD, POINTS.

IT'S TIME TO PLAY OKCREEPY.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

VALENTINE'S DAY IS ON FRIDAY

AND IF YOU'RE SINGLE, YOU'RE

PROBABLY ON OKCUPID RIGHT NOW.

BUT THERE ARE A LOT OF WEIRDOS

OUT THERE WHO EAGERLY WANT TO

PUT THINGS IN YOU.

SO WE'RE GOING TO SHOW YOU AN

EXCERPT FROM A UNIQUE OKCUPID

PROFILE AND FOR 250 POINTS,

YOU FINISH THE SENTENCE.

HERE IS THE FIRST ONE.

"I LOVE TO COLLECT" BLANK.

YES, APARNA.

>> MY THOUGHTS, SO JUST GIVE ME

A SECOND.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: I WILL GIVE YOU

POINTS FOR THAT.

LET'S FIND OUT WHAT HE LIKES TO

COLLECT.

"ANGEL STUFF AND LIZARD FOBS

AND BOOKS 'ECT'."

I THINK HE MEANS ET CETERA OR

THIS IS SHORT FOR ECTOPLASM.

(LAUGHTER)

>> THIS DUDE'S COOL, I LIKE THIS

GUY.

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT, NEXT ONE.

"I'M REALLY GOOD AT...

(AUDIENCE REACTS)

...SEX, FOREPLAY AND GENTLE

STROKING.

(LAUGHTER)

I AM GREAT AT MAKING" BLANK.

RON FUNCHES?

>> I AM GREAT AT MAKING RON

FUNCHES QUESTION HIS SEXUALITY.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS.

LET'S FIND OUT WHAT HE'S REALLY

GREAT AT.

HE'S REALLY GREAT AT "MY OWN

JELLY BEANS."

(LAUGHTER)

HE MAKES HIS OWN JELLY BEANS.

RON, DID THIS JUST ENTICE YOU

EVEN FURTHER?

>> YES.

>> Chris: RON IS WAY MORE ON

BOARD NOW THAN SECOND AGO.

>> IF I COULD JUST GET A

MATCHING ONE OF THOSE SHIRTS,

WE'RE ON BOARD!

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT, "THE SIX

THINGS I COULD NEVER DO WITHOUT:

1) WAXING

2) SEX

3) DANCING AND--

RON?

(LAUGHTER)

YOU'RE SO DELIGHTED BY THIS GAME

AND WATCHING YOU BE DELIGHTED

MAKES ME DELIGHTED.

>> OKAY, 4) ERYKAH BADU.

(LAUGHTER)

5) ANIME.

(LAUGHTER)

6) LOOSE WORK UNIFORM POLICIES.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: YES, I'LL GIVE YOU

POINTS FOR THAT.

BRAUNGER, YOU WANT TO TAKE A

CRACK AT IT?

>> YEAH, I WOULD SAY A GUN,

A TASER AND THE BOARD GAME

"SORRY."

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: LET'S FIND OUT WHAT

THE FOUR, FIVE AND SIX ARE.

4) ANAL BLEACHING

5) CHIPOTLE

6) MORGAN FREEMAN.

>> YES!

BIZARRE BRASSIERE.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

THERE'S A TREND ON PINTEREST OF

POSTING PICTURES WITH WEIRD

BRAS.

WARNING TO YOU GUYS BUYING

VALENTINE'S DAY LINGERIE: THESE

WILL DEFINITELY NOT GET YOU ANY

KIND OF LAID.

SO I'M GOING TO DESCRIBE TWO

BIZARRE BRA DESIGNS.

FOR 250 POINTS YOU TELL ME WHICH

IS THE REAL ONE PINNED ON

PINTEREST.

ALL RIGHT, FIRST ONE.

A BRA MADE FROM SKELETON HANDS

OR A BRA MADE FROM DEER ANTLERS?

RON?

>> IF MY "HE-MAN" FAN FICTION IS

CORRECT, IT'S A BRA MADE FROM

SKELETON HANDS.

>> Chris: SHOW ME SKELETITS?

TA-DA!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> EXACTLY AS I DREAMED IT.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: ISN'T IT NICE WHEN

REALITY MEETS YOUR DREAMS?

I FEEL LIKE YOU'RE MAKING MENTAL

NOTES OF ALL OF THESE PLACES SO

YOU CAN GO WITH THE GUY WITH THE

JELLY BEANS.

>> I'M GOING BACK TO OKCUPID.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT.

A BRA THAT DISPENSES HAND

SANITIZER OR A BRA THAT HOUSES

LIVE GOLDFISH?

BRAUNGER.

>> I GOT TO GO WITH LIVE

GOLDFISH BECAUSE IT'S ABSOLUTELY

RIDICULOUS.

>> Chris: LET'S FIND OUT.

COME ON!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

BY THE WAY, SHE WON THOSE TITS

AT A CARNIVAL.

(LAUGHTER)

>> IT'S A REALLY BAD WAY TO

BRING GOLDFISH HOME FOR YOUR

CHILDREN.

(LAUGHTER)

"GOT THEM FROM THE STORE, KIDS."

>> OR ITS A WAY TO BREAST-FEED

YOUR CATS.

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: I'LL GIVE YOU 100

POINTS FOR THAT, APARNA, THAT

WAS EXCELLENT.

ALL RIGHT.

A BRA MADE FROM OLD BUTTONS OR

A BRA MADE FROM OLD PENNIES?

BRAUNGER.

>> OLD PENNIES.

Chris: LET'S FIND OUT.

PENNIES...

BUTTONS, BUTTONS!

>> THANKS FOR THE HIGH HOPES.

OLD PENNIES-- BUTTONS, SORRY.

(BLEEP) YOU!

(LAUGHTER)

JESUS, CHRIS.

>> Chris: SO SORRY.

THAT'S NO WAY TO TREAT A GUEST

IN MY HOUSE.

>> YOU DON'T KNOW IT'S CREEPY

UNTIL YOU REALIZE THEY'RE ALL

THE EYES OF OLD TEDDY BEARS.

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: OH MY GOD.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

THIS APP IS SO MESSED UP.

LULU IS AN APP WHERE WOMEN CAN

FIND OUT WAY TOO MUCH

INFORMATION ABOUT MEN FROM THEIR

EX-GIRLFRIENDS.

(AUDIENCE REACTS)

YOU NOTICE HOW IT WAS ONLY THE

MALE VOICES WERE LIKE, "OH,

(BLEEP), WHAT?

THAT'S A THING?

I'M GOING TO BE ACCOUNTABLE FOR

ALL OF THE STUPID CRAP I DO?"

>> I GOT A 9.5.

I'M COOL.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: FROM THE GUY WHO MAKES

JELLY BEANS?

(LAUGHTER)

EX-GIRLFRIENDS POST HASHTAGS

DESCRIBING THE MEN THAT THEY

USED TO DATE.

SOME REAL HASHTAGS ARE:

#OBSESSEDWITHHISMOM

NO, I'M NOT.

(LAUGHTER)

#SMOKESLIKEACHIMNEY

#OWNSCROCS

SO FOR 250 POINTS, I WANT

YOU TO NAME AS MANY LULU

DEALBREAKER HASHTAGS AS YOU CAN.

I'M GOING TO PUT 60 SECONDS ON

THE CLOCK, STARTING NOW.

BRAUNGER.

>> IRONMAN SCROTUM TATTOO.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: AND THEN YOU NAME YOUR

PENIS JARVIS.

POINTS.

APARNA.

>> STILL TEETHING.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS.

RON?

>> ACTUALLY THINKS ARBY'S.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS.

RON?

>> ENJOYS TYLER PERRY MOVIES.

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: IS THAT YOURS?

>> YEAH.

>> Chris: YES, POINTS.

APARNA?

>> IMAGINARY.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS.

RON?

>> CAN'T READ.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: YOU'D NEVER KNOW ON

THE APP IF HE CAN'T--

POINTS.

POINTS.

BRAUNGER.

>> WILL CALL YOU MOM.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS.

THEY'RE UNCOMFORTABLE, BUT

THAT'S A GOOD ONE, POINTS.

>> BODY SPRAY USER.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS.

(BUZZER)

>> APARNA?

>> CRIES ALL THE TIME, LIKE

PROBABLY RIGHT NOW.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS.

WELL DONE!

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