Andy Haynes

  • Season 2, Ep 13
  • 06/14/2013

Andy Haynes fantasizes about a new-and-improved subway system, explains why getting engaged sucks for men and describes his gangster rescue cats.

All right. Hello Boston.How are you guys.

(crowd cheering)


I am... I'm very good.

Uh, but I'm broke.

I'm very broke.

Is anybody broke here?

(crowd cheering)

It is not a good thing.It's not a good thing.

Do not celebrate it, but...

it is a great timeto be broke, huh?

Nobody blames you.

It's the economy.


It's not that you'rehorrible with decisions,

waste money constantly,dumb-ass.

It's the economy.

People are like,"It's hard out there."

You're like,"Yeah, I'll co-op that."

Bong rip 8:00 a.m.

Ambition, uh...

I don't like being broke thoughbecause I don't look broke.

I look like a senator's nephew.

Hi, hello.

I look like all the presidentsexcept the current one.


I'm "Insert Name" Romney, uh...

Yeah, I don't like being broke.

I can't do broke things.

Like, uh, I usedto live in Brooklyn.

I used to live in, um, Brooklyn,I would work in Brooklyn

in, like, kind ofbad neighborhoods.

Like, I'd have to takethe train out to these

really bad neighborhoods,and I mean, like, bad.

Like, they didn't even havebrunch in these neighborhoods.

But people would see meon the train and they'd be like,

"Oh, my God, a lost prince."

And they would tryto return me for a reward.

I'm like,"No kingdom is missing me."

One thing I don't likeabout being broke

is I don't likepublic transportation.

I... I don't like it.I don't like it.

You know why?

They let the publicon that thing.

And that means everybody.

That means all sorts of people,

and I mainly meanhomeless people.

That's what I'm talking about.

And I hear you guys tighten up

'cause you're all liberal votersand you went to Whole Foods

and you recycle your bagsor whatever.

We don't like homeless people,all right?

We care about them, we feel badfor them, but we're never...

We don't like them.

We're never excitedto see a homeless person.

Like, "Oh, Boots is here to makethe room smell different.

"Get in here, buddy.

I got some cansI've been saving."

And it's not justthat they're homeless,

it's that they're, like,super homeless, you know?

They're, like,time traveler homeless.

You're like, "How do you haveclothes made out of hair

"and bark, sir?

"And why are you on the subway?

"Like, I should be on thesubway-- I'm going to work.

"You should be one of thosecrank carts from a Looney Tunes.

Stack of squirrels helping youon an adventure."

I told all my friendsin New York

that I was gonna move to L.A.--I used to live in New York

and move-moved to L.A.And I told them all,

and they were like, "Andy,you don't want to move to L.A.

If you move to L.A.,you'll have to drive."

I was like, "Yeah. (chuckles)I love driving.

Driving is great."

Like, and I'm an environmentallyconscious person,

but after four yearson the New York subway,

I would drive a Hummer

powered on Native Americantears, all right?

I mean that. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for everybody.

I don't care. I love driving.

Driving's great.

You go exactlywhere you want to go.

You're like, "Hey, over there,"and you go there.

You get to listen to exactlywhat you want to listen to

and not what the mostintimidating teenager is playing

on his cell phone.

And I really like how I've neveropened up my car door

and there's just been a guy thatshit his pants and it was like,

"Guess we're going uptowntogether. That's weird.

I paid a fee to get in thiswith you and now..."

That's counterintuitive.

I want to make, uh, like,a new kind of subway,

bus, whatever.

I want classes.

Like an airplane, you know?You know? Everybody?

(light applause)Here's what it's gonna be.

You're gonna have first class--it'll be really nice, right?

Velvet, whatever.

It'll be nice. I don't knowwhat nice things are, but...

imagine a nice thingand that's it.

And then there'll be

middle class,and that'll just be normal

but it'll be clean, okay?

And then there'll bethe lowest class,

and that'll be called"Anything Goes."

And you get on thatand they hand you a hammer

and a Four Lokoand the lights go out.

And that is free to ride.

That is a free ride.

So vote for me.

I was in Seattle one time,

and I was in a coffee shop'cause duh.

And, um...


Watching, uh...

What was that movie called?I forget. Um...

But I was in Seattle,and I was in a coffee shop

and this... I had a outsidecoffee drink, right?

I got a drinkfrom another coffee place.

And the baristagoes like this, she goes,

"Sorry to besuch a Nazi about this,

but you have to takeyour drink outside."

And I... Made me wonderif a Nazi had ever said that.

Like, if a Nazihad ever been like,

"Hey. Sorry to besuch a Nazi about this...

but you guys haveto get on the train."

Yeah. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry about that

(man whoops)

There we go.

There's my neo-Nazis. I...


I, uh...So, I-I lived in Seattle

and then I moved to New York,

and when I moved to New York,I made a big mistake

because I brought my girlfriendfrom Seattle to New York.

And I don't knowif you guys knew this,

New York already hasgirlfriends.

You... don't needto bring a girlfriend there.

They got it covered.They got it all covered.

Bringing a girlfriendto New York

is like bringinga warm beer to a bar

that serves free cold beers.

And everybody's just spillingcold beer all over the place,

and you have to sit there andpretend like you love warm beer.

You're like...(forced chuckle)

"Thanks, I brought my own."

I wish there would've been

a bouncer at the doorto New York that was like,

"Hey, you can't bring thatin here.

There's girlfriends inside."

So, uh, I got marriedlast weekend.


(crowd cheering)

That's for real.

That's for real for real.

Um, but I'm really gladto be married

'cause I did not likebeing engaged.

I did not like that at all.

Being engaged for a guy,getting engaged for a guy

is really kind of horse shit.

I don't know if you knew that.

'Cause here's what you have todo: you have to work a bunch.

You got to do all this work.

You got to workand work and work.

And then you got to saveall this money. Okay?

So you save all this money.

And then you haveto buy a diamond ring,

and then she has to say yesto a diamond ring, so...


Do you guys seea discrepancy in effort?

Do you see how one persondid a bunch of stuff

and the other person

just said yes to the mostvaluable elements on Earth?

And she wanted to get married.

That's like getting a prizefor getting what you wanted.

That doesn't make sense.I didn't get a prize.

I didn't get a Xbox or anal sex.

And I want something.

I don't care who it's with.


Guys, we used to get a dowry.

I don't know what happened.

When you liked a girl,her dad would come running over

to your house and he'd be like,

"How much moneydo I have to pay you

to get this bitchout of my life forever?"

And proposing isn't...isn't easy either, you know?

Proposing--you-you can't just propose.

You got to, like,surprise your girlfriend,

and that's noteven really enough.

You got to, like,punk them these days.

So I punked the shitout of my girlfriend.

I sent her on an errand,

and then I ran aroundthe other side of the block

and I hid, right?

And I had a ski mask

and a pistol,

and I robbed her, all right?

But then I took that money,

and I bought heran engagement ring, so...

Pretty romantic guy.I don't know.



I... uh... I've been calledgay a lot, my whole life.

Um, so I'm used to it.

I was raised by my mom,

so I was, like,a pretty feminine kid.

But, uh... but, you know,

like, I... I wore, like,a cape and...

a crown and high heelsand lipstick

and I blew guys,but what I'm trying to say...

is that I know what it's liketo be called gay.

But this guy, he called me gaythe other day.

He called me gay'cause I'm a vegetarian.

He was like,"You don't eat meat?


I was like, "How madis he gonna be when he finds out

what gay dudesare really doing?"

It's not vegetables, bro.

It's way differentthan a farmers' market.

I, uh...

I have a gay brother,I have a gay sister

and I have a gay uncle,and I think it's crazy

that they live in this countryand they are not afforded

the same rights as everybody--I think that's insane.

I think that's super crazy.

(crowd cheering)

But... having said that,I do think

that they shouldgo to hell, and...

it's only because gay peopleare so good

at gentrifying neighborhoods.

I kind of want to seewhat they do with the place

before I get down there.

"Are you kidding me?

"Is that a dog park?

"Gay people.

I love your hell."


"Thai food?" Um...