Kevin Rooney & Franklyn Ajaye

  • Season 1, Ep 0114
  • 02/24/1992

IT'S HARD TO BEIN FRONT OF PEOPLE

ALTHOUGH, YOU KNOW,MY SHRINK WANTED ME TO STAY

AND I, YOU KNOW,I WANTED TO LEAVE.

IT WAS 17 YEARS.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

BUT IT WASN'TA CLEAR-CUT CHOICE.

WE FLIPPED A COIN

WHICH I THOUGHT WASA LITTLE SAD, YOU KNOW.

BUT I'M JUST HAPPY TO BE ALIVE

AND ACTUALLY, I'M LYING TO YOU.

I GOT A CALL THIS MORNING.

I'VE BEEN OUT FOR THREE MONTHS--"OUT," LIKE IT WAS PRISON.

SHE SAID THAT SHE MADEA MISTAKE FIVE YEARS AGO

SOME KIND OF THEORETIC THING,SHE SAID, THAT WAS WRONG

AND SHE'S RECALLING HER PATIENTSSO I HAVE TO COME BACK.

BUT, LOOK, I'M NOT GOING BACK.

I DON'T CARE,I'M NOT GOING BACK.

BUT YOU NEVER LOSEYOUR PROBLEMS.

LIKE MY FAMILY,YOU'RE SET IN YOUR OWN WAYS.

I STILL-- I'M PARANOID.

I ALWAYS FEEL THATPEOPLE ARE TRYING

TO HELP ME BEHIND MY BACK.

AND I WORK OUT,LIKE, ONCE EVERY MONTH

AND I HAVE A LITTLESTATIONARY BIKE

AND I HAVEA REARVIEW MIRROR ON IT.

I'M WORRIED, YOU KNOW

FOR ANY KIND OFASSASSINATION ATTEMPTS.

BUT THERAPY HAS BEEN, LIKE,FOR ME, LIKE A WAY OF LIFE.

I'LL NEVER FORGETTHE FIRST DAY I WENT.

MY FATHER--MAY HE REST IN PEACE--

HE WAS SO OUT OF TOUCHWITH PSYCHOTHERAPY

I SAID, "DAD, I HADA BREAKTHROUGH!"

HE SAID, "A GRAPEFRUIT?"

"NO, NO, DAD,IT WAS A BREAKTHROUGH, DAD."

BUT HEY, I'M OUT OF THERAPY,IT'S THE A LIST

AND YET I STILL FEELI'M HAVING TWO BREASTS AWAY

FROM BEINGEXACTLY LIKE MY MOTHER.

THAT'S WHY...

( laughter )

I PROBABLY SHOULD GO BACK.

AND IT'S NOT EASY.

I DON'T GO ONTHE ROAD NOW THAT MUCH

BUT CALLING A SHRINK, LIKE,SOMEWHERE IN TULSA, OKLAHOMA--

AND I LOVE TULSA--

BUT YOU LOOK INTHE YELLOW PAGES:

"1-900-YOU WHACKO."

IT'S PRETTY FRIGHTENING.

WELL, RODNEY KING, OF COURSE.

WOULDN'T WANT TO BETHE POLICEMEN'S LAWYER.

I MEAN, YOU KNOW,BASICALLY THEIR DEFENSE IS

"WHATEVER HE DID JUSTIFIEDUS TRYING TO KILL HIM."

THAT WAS BASICALLY IT.

YOU KNOW.

THEY CAME OUT WITH THIS PHOTO.

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'VEBEEN WATCHING THE TRIAL.

THEY CAME OUT WITHTHIS PHOTO THE OTHER DAY

THAT SUPPOSEDLY THEY TOOKBEFORE THE VIDEO CAMERA CAME ON

WHICH SHOWED ALL OFTHE POLICEMEN LAYING DOWN...

( laughter )

YEAH.

AND RODNEY KING BEATING THEM,YOU KNOW, SO...

SWIGGING FROM HIS MALT LIQUOR.

( laughter )

BUT THE PROSECUTION SAID,"THAT PHOTO'S OBVIOUSLY DOCTORED

BECAUSE THAT'S COLT 45, ANDHE ONLY DRINKS OLDE ENGLISH."

( applause )

AND THAT WASTHE DEFENSE, YOU KNOW.

BUT I'M REALLY GLADTHAT THEY HAD THAT VIDEO

BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, THE POLICE--

THEY'VE BEEN GETTING AWAYWITH A LOT OF THINGS.

THEY MAKE UP CHARGES A LOTOF TIMES HERE, YOU KNOW

AND THEY STICK, YOU KNOW,A LOT OF TIMES.

THEY STOPPED MEAND A FRIEND ONE TIME

CHARGED US WITH BEINGNIGGERS ON A SUNNY DAY.

YOU KNOW?

( laughter )

AND, UH...

WE WERE GUILTY.

( laughter )

YOU KNOW?

( applause )

HAD TO PLEA-BARGAIN.

WE GOT IT REDUCEDTO PARTLY CLOUDY.

THAT WAS THE BEST WE COULD DO.

IS JAKE AND THE FAT MAN.

WHICH I WAS READING IN TV GUIDE

JAKE AND THE FAT MAN IS THE ONLY SHOW IN TV HISTORY

THAT HAS NEVER BEEN TAPEDBY ANYBODY, ANYWHERE.

( laughter )

YOU KNOW?

( applause )

THERE IS NO RECORD ANYWHEREOF A V.C.R. EVER BEING SET...

TO RECORD JAKE AND THE FAT MAN.

YEAH, THEY ALL SAID

"HEY, WE'LL CATCH HIMSITTING DOWN NEXT WEEK."

( laughter )

YOU KNOW,OLD WILLIAM CONRAD, MAN

THAT'S THE CAT WHO PLAYSFAT MAN, YOU KNOW.

HE'S BEEN AROUND A LONG TIME.

HE'S THE VOICE ON THE FUGITIVE--

YOU KNOW, THE ONE THATTALKS ABOUT THE FUGITIVE--

AND HE'S MADE A LOT OF MONEY.

IT'S OBVIOUSHE DOESN'T CARE A LOT

ABOUT A LOT OF LITTLE,PETTY THINGS ANYMORE, YOU KNOW

BECAUSE HIS AGENTPROBABLY CALLED HIM THAT DAY

AND SAID, "LISTEN, WILLIAM,I GOT A SHOW FOR YOU," YOU KNOW?

"ONLY THING IS, THEY WANT TOCALL YOUR CHARACTER 'FAT MAN.'"

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

NO OTHER NAME, YOU KNOW?

AND HE SAID, "HEY, THAT'S COOL."

( snickering )

"I'LL TAKE IT.

"JUST PUT INTHE CONTRACT, THOUGH

'NO MORE THAN TEN STEPSIN ANY ONE SCENE.'"

( laughter )

"ALL RIGHT?

THAT'S THE DEAL BREAKER."

AND HE'S GOT JAKE CHECKINGFOR EVIDENCE, RIGHT?

NO MATTER WHATJAKE FINDS, THOUGH

FAT MAN ALWAYSSAYS THE SAME THING

BECAUSE JAKE WILL SAY, "FAT MAN,THERE'S A BODY OVER HERE."

AND HE'LL SAY,"WELL, BRING IT OVER HERE."

( laughter )

YOU KNOW? ALL RIGHT?

"DRAW SOME CHALK AROUND IT..."

"SO YOU'LL KNOWWHERE TO PUT IT."

OH, MAN.

WE'RE LIVING IN SOME REALLYINTERESTING TIMES, YOU KNOW

ROMANTICALLY, SEXUALLY.

YOU KNOW, WITH AIDS OUT NOWYOU GOT TO THINK ABOUT CELIBACY.

RIGHT?

YOU KNOW, THERE'S A WORD

THAT WAS DESTINED TO SPENDITS WHOLE LIFE UNUSED

JUST LIVING IN THEDICTIONARY, RIGHT?

NOBODY LOOKING IT UP.

( laughter )

YOU KNOW?

AND I'M SURE THATWEBSTER'S DEBATED YEARLY

WHETHER TO KEEP "CELIBACY"IN THE DICTIONARY.

"WHEN WAS THE LAST TIMEIT WAS LOOKED UP?"

BUT NOW, MAN, YOU GOTTO THINK ABOUT IT.

I DON'T KNOW IF IT'S THE...

I THINK WOMEN SEEMTO HANDLE CELIBACY BETTER.

THEY'RE VERY NONCHALANTABOUT IT.

"OH, YOU KNOW,I HAVEN'T MADE LOVE

"IN ABOUT THREE OR FOUR MONTHS

"AND, YOU KNOW, I REALLYHAVEN'T MISSED IT.

BEEN DOING A LOTOF HORSEBACK RIDING."

YEAH.

ALL RIGHT?

ALL RIGHT?

I WENT DOWN TO THE STABLES,CHECKED IT OUT.

I SAID, "HEY, MAN,HOW'S BUSINESS, MAN?"

"BOOMING, JACK.

BOOMING."

"THE WOMEN, MAN-- THEYJUST PUT THEM WALKMANS ON

AND RIDE OFF, BROTHER."

HANG OUT AT THE, UH...AT THE, UH, STABLES, MAN.

WHOA, SEX DRIVE IS VERY STRONG.

BUT, YOU KNOW,GOD MADE IT STRONG.

THAT'S WHY THE BATTLE BETWEENSEX AND CELIBACY IS SO TOUGH

BECAUSE HE CREATEDTHE SEX DRIVE.

HE WAS UP THERE WORKING.

"SAY, GABRIEL, I WANT YOU TO...I NEED SOME HELP.

"GO OVER THERE AND HAND ME

ABOUT 30 OF THOSESUPERSENSITIVE NERVE ENDINGS."

"30? WOW!

"WHAT YOU WORKING ON, GOD?

"YOU ONLY PUT SIXIN THE WHOLE ASS.

WHAT YOU WORKING ON?"

OKAY?

"WORKING ON THE SEX DRIVE,THE REPRODUCTIVE SYSTEM.

"THIS IS GOING TO GUARANTEETHERE'S GOING TO BE PEOPLE, MAN

"THROUGH ARGUMENTS, THROUGHNOT TALKING TO EACH OTHER.

"I GOT TO MAKE THIS FEELTOO GOOD FOR PEOPLE TO GIVE UP.

"THAT'S RIGHT.

"IN FACT, HAND MEABOUT TEN MORE.

I WANT THEMCALLING OUT MY NAME."