Kevin Rooney & Franklyn Ajaye

  • 02/24/1992

IT'S HARD TO BEIN FRONT OF PEOPLE

ALTHOUGH, YOU KNOW,MY SHRINK WANTED ME TO STAY

AND I, YOU KNOW,I WANTED TO LEAVE.

IT WAS 17 YEARS.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

BUT IT WASN'TA CLEAR-CUT CHOICE.

WE FLIPPED A COIN

WHICH I THOUGHT WASA LITTLE SAD, YOU KNOW.

BUT I'M JUST HAPPY TO BE ALIVE

AND ACTUALLY, I'M LYING TO YOU.

I GOT A CALL THIS MORNING.

I'VE BEEN OUT FOR THREE MONTHS--"OUT," LIKE IT WAS PRISON.

SHE SAID THAT SHE MADEA MISTAKE FIVE YEARS AGO

SOME KIND OF THEORETIC THING,SHE SAID, THAT WAS WRONG

AND SHE'S RECALLING HER PATIENTSSO I HAVE TO COME BACK.

BUT, LOOK, I'M NOT GOING BACK.

I DON'T CARE,I'M NOT GOING BACK.

BUT YOU NEVER LOSEYOUR PROBLEMS.

LIKE MY FAMILY,YOU'RE SET IN YOUR OWN WAYS.

I STILL-- I'M PARANOID.

I ALWAYS FEEL THATPEOPLE ARE TRYING

TO HELP ME BEHIND MY BACK.

AND I WORK OUT,LIKE, ONCE EVERY MONTH

AND I HAVE A LITTLESTATIONARY BIKE

AND I HAVEA REARVIEW MIRROR ON IT.

I'M WORRIED, YOU KNOW

FOR ANY KIND OFASSASSINATION ATTEMPTS.

BUT THERAPY HAS BEEN, LIKE,FOR ME, LIKE A WAY OF LIFE.

I'LL NEVER FORGETTHE FIRST DAY I WENT.

MY FATHER--MAY HE REST IN PEACE--

HE WAS SO OUT OF TOUCHWITH PSYCHOTHERAPY

I SAID, "DAD, I HADA BREAKTHROUGH!"

HE SAID, "A GRAPEFRUIT?"

"NO, NO, DAD,IT WAS A BREAKTHROUGH, DAD."

BUT HEY, I'M OUT OF THERAPY,IT'S THE A LIST

AND YET I STILL FEELI'M HAVING TWO BREASTS AWAY

FROM BEINGEXACTLY LIKE MY MOTHER.

THAT'S WHY...

( laughter )

I PROBABLY SHOULD GO BACK.

AND IT'S NOT EASY.

I DON'T GO ONTHE ROAD NOW THAT MUCH

BUT CALLING A SHRINK, LIKE,SOMEWHERE IN TULSA, OKLAHOMA--

AND I LOVE TULSA--

BUT YOU LOOK INTHE YELLOW PAGES:

"1-900-YOU WHACKO."

IT'S PRETTY FRIGHTENING.

BECAUSE I HAVEN'T BEENDOING STAND-UP FOR A WHILE--

ABOUT THREE MONTHS--

BECAUSE I'VE BEEN WRITINGON THE DENNIS MILLER SHOW.

UH...

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU WATCHTHIS SHOW.

IT'S A GOOD SHOW.

IT'S SUPPOSED TO BEA SMART SHOW.

I WAS INTERESTED IN DOING THAT

BUT I FOUND OUTAFTER A WHILE DOWN HERE

THAT DOING A SMART SHOWIN HOLLYWOOD

IS LIKE TRYING TO PUT A BABOON'SHEART IN A CHILD, YOU KNOW?

IT'S ONLY A MATTER OF TIMEBEFORE IT'S REJECTED.

YOU KNOW,BECAUSE IT'S HOLLYWOOD.

THEY CALL IT "HOLLYWOOD,"AS A MATTER OF FACT

BECAUSE "BLOCKHEADVILLE"WOULDN'T FIT

ON THE SIDE OF THEMOUNTAIN UP THERE.

AND FRANKLY, I'M OUTOF TOUCH WITH MY ACT.

I USED TO DO TOPICALPOLITICAL MATERIAL

BUT NOW, I LOOK AT THISCURRENT BUMPER CROP OF GUYS

AND I JUST THINK I DON'TKNOW WHAT TO SAY ABOUT THEM.

I HAVE NO INTERESTIN THEM AT ALL.

TO ME, POLITICS IS JUST A GROUPOF JACKBOOT SLOGAN MONGERS

OUT THERE JABBING USWITH SOUND BITES

LIKE A BUNCHOF CRACK-CRAZED FARMERS

TRYING TO DRIVE A COW TOTHE SLAUGHTERHOUSE, YOU KNOW.

RIGHT?

AND EVERY FOUR YEARS

THEY SAY, "NO, IT'S A NEW,IMPROVED SLAUGHTERHOUSE.

GO AHEAD, GET IN THERE."

WE'RE THE COWS.

"GO ON, VOTE."

"NO! WE DON'T WANT TO VOTE.

WE DON'T WANT TO VOTE."

GENERALLY, IN COMEDY CLUBS

IT'S NOT GOOD COMEDY CLUBFODDER ANYMORE--

POLITICS, THINGSTHAT AFFECT OUR LIVES.

I GO DOWN TO, FOR INSTANCE,ORANGE COUNTY

AND THEY ARE VERY POLITICALLY...

I GUESS NOT UNAWARE, BUT JUST MENTION THE PRESIDENT

AND THEY JUST CINCH UPLIKE YOU WOULD IN A SHOWER

IF A STRANGER JUSTLIGHTLY TOUCHED YOUR ANUS.

( delicately screaming )

( laughter )

YOU KNOW.

THEY... THEY HATE IT...

( laughter )

THEY HATE IT AND THEY HATED ME.

YOU KNOW, I FOUND I WASRUNNING AROUND THE COUNTRY

JUST SORT OF ANNOYING PEOPLEIN THESE COMEDY CLUBS.

AND I WOULD GET CROWDS-- THEYDIDN'T DISLIKE ME, PARTICULARLY

BUT THEY WOULDJUST SIT AND LOOK.

I COULD SEE THEM ALMOST THINKING

"OH, WELL, MAYBEHE HAS A PUPPET."

( laughter )

"YOU KNOW, A LITTLE BALD PUPPETLIKE HIM-- THAT'D BE FUNNY.

"OR MAYBE PLAYSOME GUITAR PARODIES

"AND HIM AND THE PUPPETBURST INTO FLAMES.

I HAD PROBABLY THE WORST SHOWIN MY ENTIRE LIFE IN LAS VEGAS.

I WAS WORKING AT THE IMPROVIN THE RIVIERA THERE.

AND THEY CALLED ME AND ASKED ME.

THE REGULAR COMEDIANIN THE REVIEW WAS SICK

AND THEY SAID,"COULD YOU FILL IN?"

I THOUGHT, WELL,HOW BAD COULD IT POSSIBLY BE?

I HAD NO IDEA HOW BADIT COULD POSSIBLY BE.

THIS WAS A SPLASH.

AND WHAT THEY DOIN A VEGAS REVIEW

INSTEAD OF ONE GOOD SINGER

THEY'LL HAVE, LIKE, THREEOR FOUR MEDIOCRE OR BAD ONES.

THEY'LL SING THAT NASALLYKIND OF...

♪ SPLASH, OH, YOU KNOWIT'S SO EXCITING ♪

♪ SPLASH...

YOU KNOW, AND THEY HAVE...

ALL RIGHT?

30 OR 40 DANCERS DOING

SORT OF AN APPROXIMATIONOF CHOREOGRAPHY

WENDING AROUND THEREWITH THE SEA SCULPTURE

SOFT SCULPTURECLAM AND SEA URCHIN OUTFITS ON.

DOLPHINS IN TANKS.

YOU CAN IMAGINE THE DOLPHINS,SO HAPPY TO BE IN VEGAS

SO CLOSE TO THEIRNATURAL ENVIRONMENT.

THEY LOVE IT THERE.

SO WHILE THEY'RE PUTTINGTHE DOLPHINS INTO TANKS

AT THE END OF THEIR BIG OPENINGNUMBER, THAT'S WHEN I GO ON.

SO THEY SAY,"LADIES AND GENTLEMEN

WELCOME KEVIN ROONEY."

AND I GO OUT, AND I'M DOING

REALLY, THE SIMPLEST MATERIALI KNOW HOW TO DO:

TO GIVE YOU AN IDEAHOW BALD I AM

THIS IS A TOUPEE, RIGHT?

( laughter )

SIMPLE JOKES.

FROM THEM, NOTHING.

JUST LOOKING AT ME.

NO IDEA.

YOU KNOW, THE JOKEONLY HAS TWO MOVING PARTS.

THEY CAN'T PUT IT TOGETHER.

COMPLETELY CONFUSED.

IT WAS 1,500 PEOPLE

WHO WERE THERE FORA SLOT PULL TOURNAMENT.

SO THEY'RE HAVING DESSERT,THEY'RE HAVING BROWNIES.

THESE BROWNIES HAVE BEEN COOKEDIN A BESSEMER OVEN FOR A WEEK

AND THEY ARE HARD AS A ROCK

BUT THEY'VE ADDED SOME ICE CREAMAS A KIND OF A SOFTENING AGENT.

SO I'M DOING THE JOKES,NO LAUGHS.

ALL I CAN HEAR IS 1,500 FORKS

BEING FORCED THROUGH THE BROWNIEONTO THE PLATE.

JUST DINK, DINK, DINK,DINK, DINK, DINK...

OH, MAN, I BOMBED TERRIBLE.

TERRIBLE BOMB, EMBARRASSING.

THE NEXT DAY I WAS OUTSLINKING AROUND THE CASINO

AND TWO WOMEN APPROACHED ME.

AT FIRST I THOUGHT THEY WEREPART OF THE SUPERSTRUCTURE

TILL THEY PEELED OFFAND CAME AT ME.

YOU KNOW,THAT KIND OF BIG WOMAN--

THEY DON'T REALLY WALK,THEY RELOCATE.

( laughter )

THEY GOT THE BUNGEE CORD OUTFITSAND THE BUCKET OF NICKELS

BUT VERY NICE.

THEY SAID, "WE SAWYOU AT THE SPLASH.

"WE ENJOYED YOU

BUT YOU WERE TOO FAR ADVANCEDFOR OUR HUSBANDS."

WHAT DID THEY DO?

FALL OFF A TRACTOR IN NEBRASKA,HIT A ROCK?

IT'S AN ENGLISH-SPEAKING SHOWAND THEY MISSED IT ENTIRELY.

I GOT A JOB WITH A FRIENDOF MINE IN NEW JERSEY

SELLING SHEEPSKIN SEAT COVERSAND HAND PUPPETS

OFF THE BACK OF A TRUCKIN A MALL IN NEW JERSEY.

DID YOU EVER CHART THE COURSEOF A GAS STATION

AS IT COLLAPSESAS A BUSINESS VENTURE?

YOU KNOW, IT GOESTHROUGH A SERIES

OF, LIKE,HERMIT CRAB MANIFESTATIONS.

IT'LL FAIL AS A GAS STATION,THEN FOR A WHILE

THEY TURN IT INTOA SHEEPSKIN SEAT COVER OUTLET.

( laughter )

RIGHT?

AND THEN, WHEN THAT FAILS

THEY TURN IT INTOA LUGGAGE OUTLET FOR A WHILE

AND THEN WHEN THAT FAILS

WHILE THEY'RE KNOCKING DOWNTHE GAS STATION

THEY HANG PERSIAN RUGS ONA CHAIN LINK FENCE AROUND IT.

AND GRIND IT BACK UP.

SO...

THIS, UH... I'M SELLINGTHESE LITTLE HAND PUPPETS

AND I'M DOING LITTLE VOICESFOR THE KIDS AND WHATNOT

AND THE KIDS WANT FIVEOF THESE LITTLE HAND PUPPETS.

SO THE MOTHER SAYS,"OKAY, ALL RIGHT

WE'LL TAKE FIVEOF THE HAND PUPPETS."

THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN,SHE HAS A LITTLE BRAINSTORM.

SHE GOES, "WAIT A MINUTE.

WHAT IF I GET THEM HOMEAND THEY DON'T WORK?"

( laughter )

"THEY'RE HAND PUPPETS.

IF THEY DON'T WORK,CALL A DOCTOR."

"WHAT DO THEY DO?"

"JUST PUT THEM ON."

"IT'S BUSTED!"

( laughter )

BUT GENERALLY WHAT'SHAPPENED NOW, I THINK

THESE ARE THE KINDOF PEOPLE I RUN INTO

IN A LOT OF COMEDY CLUBS.

AND THEY'RE NICE,BUT YOU FEEL BAD

BECAUSE I HAD TO GO TO A CLUB

AND IT'S NOT MY FAULTI'M BOOKED THERE, RIGHT?

BUT PEOPLE WANT,MAYBE, DICE CLAY.

I'M THE ANTI-DICE--I DON'T LIKE HIM.

IT'S OKAY TO LIKE HIM.

THAT'S JUST A DIFFERENTSENSE OF HUMOR, RIGHT?

BUT PEOPLE COME INEXPECTING THAT SENSE OF HUMOR

AND THEY ARE BASICALLY SCREWEDWHEN THEY GET ME, YOU KNOW?

AND I THINK PEOPLEMAKE THAT MISTAKE

BECAUSE WE ALL THINK, SOMEHOW

EVERYONE HAS THESAME SENSE OF HUMOR.

LIKE, HAVE YOUEVER BEEN ON A BUS

AND YOU SEE A GUYREADING A BOOK?

HE'S OFF IN THE BACK,HE'S CHUCKLING, LIKE...

( klutzy chuckle )

AND LIKE AN IDIOT, YOU GO,"HEY, WHAT'S SO FUNNY?"

HE GOES, "OH, MAN, THESETWO GUYS JUST CAUGHT THIS JEW."

AND YOU GO, "OH, MAN!

OH, GOD!"

AND THEN EVERYBODY ELSEIN THE BUS GOES

"WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?"

AND THIS, LIKE,A BIG GULF OPENS UP.

LIKE THEY'RE NOT HUMANS ANYMORE.

THEY'RE THESE DEADLY SIMULOIDSTHAT HAVE BEEN MADE

OUT OF DORITO AND RANCH-FLAVORBUDWEISER MASH, YOU KNOW?

RIGHT?

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

AND THEN KIND OF JUST PRESSED

INTO ROSEANNE-A-LOGSAND JOHN MADDEN-FORMS.

AND THEN HIT WITH A BOLT OFELECTRICITY AND ANIMATED, RIGHT?

AND THEN EDUCATED ATA PRO WRESTLING EVENT

AND GIVEN A HUNDRED DOLLARSAND THE RIGHT TO VOTE

AND THEY'RE OUT HERE AMONGST US.

AND THEY SPEND THEIR HUNDREDDOLLARS GOING TO COMEDY CLUBS

AND THAT'S WHY I'M NOT GOINGTO DO STAND-UP ON THIS SHOW.

WELL, RODNEY KING, OF COURSE.

WOULDN'T WANT TO BETHE POLICEMEN'S LAWYER.

I MEAN, YOU KNOW,BASICALLY THEIR DEFENSE IS

"WHATEVER HE DID JUSTIFIEDUS TRYING TO KILL HIM."

THAT WAS BASICALLY IT.

YOU KNOW.

THEY CAME OUT WITH THIS PHOTO.

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'VEBEEN WATCHING THE TRIAL.

THEY CAME OUT WITHTHIS PHOTO THE OTHER DAY

THAT SUPPOSEDLY THEY TOOKBEFORE THE VIDEO CAMERA CAME ON

WHICH SHOWED ALL OFTHE POLICEMEN LAYING DOWN...

( laughter )

YEAH.

AND RODNEY KING BEATING THEM,YOU KNOW, SO...

SWIGGING FROM HIS MALT LIQUOR.

( laughter )

BUT THE PROSECUTION SAID,"THAT PHOTO'S OBVIOUSLY DOCTORED

BECAUSE THAT'S COLT 45, ANDHE ONLY DRINKS OLDE ENGLISH."

( applause )

AND THAT WASTHE DEFENSE, YOU KNOW.

BUT I'M REALLY GLADTHAT THEY HAD THAT VIDEO

BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, THE POLICE--

THEY'VE BEEN GETTING AWAYWITH A LOT OF THINGS.

THEY MAKE UP CHARGES A LOTOF TIMES HERE, YOU KNOW

AND THEY STICK, YOU KNOW,A LOT OF TIMES.

THEY STOPPED MEAND A FRIEND ONE TIME

CHARGED US WITH BEINGNIGGERS ON A SUNNY DAY.

YOU KNOW?

( laughter )

AND, UH...

WE WERE GUILTY.

( laughter )

YOU KNOW?

( applause )

HAD TO PLEA-BARGAIN.

WE GOT IT REDUCEDTO PARTLY CLOUDY.

THAT WAS THE BEST WE COULD DO.

IS JAKE AND THE FAT MAN.

WHICH I WAS READING IN TV GUIDE

JAKE AND THE FAT MAN IS THE ONLY SHOW IN TV HISTORY

THAT HAS NEVER BEEN TAPEDBY ANYBODY, ANYWHERE.

( laughter )

YOU KNOW?

( applause )

THERE IS NO RECORD ANYWHEREOF A V.C.R. EVER BEING SET...

TO RECORD JAKE AND THE FAT MAN.

YEAH, THEY ALL SAID

"HEY, WE'LL CATCH HIMSITTING DOWN NEXT WEEK."

( laughter )

YOU KNOW,OLD WILLIAM CONRAD, MAN

THAT'S THE CAT WHO PLAYSFAT MAN, YOU KNOW.

HE'S BEEN AROUND A LONG TIME.

HE'S THE VOICE ON THE FUGITIVE--

YOU KNOW, THE ONE THATTALKS ABOUT THE FUGITIVE--

AND HE'S MADE A LOT OF MONEY.

IT'S OBVIOUSHE DOESN'T CARE A LOT

ABOUT A LOT OF LITTLE,PETTY THINGS ANYMORE, YOU KNOW

BECAUSE HIS AGENTPROBABLY CALLED HIM THAT DAY

AND SAID, "LISTEN, WILLIAM,I GOT A SHOW FOR YOU," YOU KNOW?

"ONLY THING IS, THEY WANT TOCALL YOUR CHARACTER 'FAT MAN.'"

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

NO OTHER NAME, YOU KNOW?

AND HE SAID, "HEY, THAT'S COOL."

( snickering )

"I'LL TAKE IT.

"JUST PUT INTHE CONTRACT, THOUGH

'NO MORE THAN TEN STEPSIN ANY ONE SCENE.'"

( laughter )

"ALL RIGHT?

THAT'S THE DEAL BREAKER."

AND HE'S GOT JAKE CHECKINGFOR EVIDENCE, RIGHT?

NO MATTER WHATJAKE FINDS, THOUGH

FAT MAN ALWAYSSAYS THE SAME THING

BECAUSE JAKE WILL SAY, "FAT MAN,THERE'S A BODY OVER HERE."

AND HE'LL SAY,"WELL, BRING IT OVER HERE."

( laughter )

YOU KNOW? ALL RIGHT?

"DRAW SOME CHALK AROUND IT..."

"SO YOU'LL KNOWWHERE TO PUT IT."

OH, MAN.

WE'RE LIVING IN SOME REALLYINTERESTING TIMES, YOU KNOW

ROMANTICALLY, SEXUALLY.

YOU KNOW, WITH AIDS OUT NOWYOU GOT TO THINK ABOUT CELIBACY.

RIGHT?

YOU KNOW, THERE'S A WORD

THAT WAS DESTINED TO SPENDITS WHOLE LIFE UNUSED

JUST LIVING IN THEDICTIONARY, RIGHT?

NOBODY LOOKING IT UP.

( laughter )

YOU KNOW?

AND I'M SURE THATWEBSTER'S DEBATED YEARLY

WHETHER TO KEEP "CELIBACY"IN THE DICTIONARY.

"WHEN WAS THE LAST TIMEIT WAS LOOKED UP?"

BUT NOW, MAN, YOU GOTTO THINK ABOUT IT.

I DON'T KNOW IF IT'S THE...

I THINK WOMEN SEEMTO HANDLE CELIBACY BETTER.

THEY'RE VERY NONCHALANTABOUT IT.

"OH, YOU KNOW,I HAVEN'T MADE LOVE

"IN ABOUT THREE OR FOUR MONTHS

"AND, YOU KNOW, I REALLYHAVEN'T MISSED IT.

BEEN DOING A LOTOF HORSEBACK RIDING."

YEAH.

ALL RIGHT?

ALL RIGHT?

I WENT DOWN TO THE STABLES,CHECKED IT OUT.

I SAID, "HEY, MAN,HOW'S BUSINESS, MAN?"

"BOOMING, JACK.

BOOMING."

"THE WOMEN, MAN-- THEYJUST PUT THEM WALKMANS ON

AND RIDE OFF, BROTHER."

HANG OUT AT THE, UH...AT THE, UH, STABLES, MAN.

WHOA, SEX DRIVE IS VERY STRONG.

BUT, YOU KNOW,GOD MADE IT STRONG.

THAT'S WHY THE BATTLE BETWEENSEX AND CELIBACY IS SO TOUGH

BECAUSE HE CREATEDTHE SEX DRIVE.

HE WAS UP THERE WORKING.

"SAY, GABRIEL, I WANT YOU TO...I NEED SOME HELP.

"GO OVER THERE AND HAND ME

ABOUT 30 OF THOSESUPERSENSITIVE NERVE ENDINGS."

"30? WOW!

"WHAT YOU WORKING ON, GOD?

"YOU ONLY PUT SIXIN THE WHOLE ASS.

WHAT YOU WORKING ON?"

OKAY?

"WORKING ON THE SEX DRIVE,THE REPRODUCTIVE SYSTEM.

"THIS IS GOING TO GUARANTEETHERE'S GOING TO BE PEOPLE, MAN

"THROUGH ARGUMENTS, THROUGHNOT TALKING TO EACH OTHER.

"I GOT TO MAKE THIS FEELTOO GOOD FOR PEOPLE TO GIVE UP.

"THAT'S RIGHT.

"IN FACT, HAND MEABOUT TEN MORE.

I WANT THEMCALLING OUT MY NAME."

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