Ali Wong, Travon Free, Paul F. Tompkins

  • Season 4, Ep 7
  • 09/06/2013

Ali Wong is tired of taking care of herself, Travon Free refuses to eat at Soup Plantation, and Paul F. Tompkins wasn't always a comedian.

Of course, the real testof human defiance

is whenever there isa natural disaster.

And I was here in New Yorkfor Hurricane Sandy.

I'd never beenin a hurricane before.

And you might rememberthe whole of Lower Manhattan

was evacuated.

And I was watching the TV,and I was-- I was very scared.

And there was a reporter

standing in frontof New York Harbor

down in Battery Park.

He had the Statue of Libertybehind him.

And he was sayingeveryone in Lower Manhattan

should have left now.

If you haven't,do so immediately.

This is a very dangeroussituation.

And the waves were chopping upjust threateningly behind him.

And I thought,

I don't know if everything'sgoing to be okay.

And then,

I will never forget,

just over this reporter'sshoulder,

a guy on a Jet Skicame flying out.

Crashing off the waves.

Doing doughnuts in the middleof New York Harbor.

Crashing off the wavesso high,

I honestly thoughthe might be attempting

to high-fivethe Statue of Liberty.

And to his credit,

the cameraman panned immediatelyto the guy on the Jet Ski.

He didn't have to do that.

But he knewwhat the right action was.

I know what you're saying:

I have no ideawhat he is doing.

And I would not forgive myselfif I cheated people

from also enjoying this.

And the-- And then,at one point,

the-- The Jet Ski stopped.

And I thought,Oh, no.

The Jet Ski's given out.He's-- He's in peril.

And I should have believedin that man.

as much as he clearlybelieved in himself,

because his Jet Skiwas fine.

All that had happenedwas he'd stopped

so he could take outa stick,

on the end of which he hada camera

so he could take a photoof himself on a Jet Ski

in front ofthe Statue of Liberty

with a [BLEEP]hurricane in the background.

That's-- That's a qualityphoto.

That's a nice snapto have.


That is the definitionof a high-end selfie.

I, uh, I turned30 last month

and, uh,I want to get married.

I do. I straight-upwant to get married.

I'm not going to be shyabout it anymore.

I want to get married,because I am tired

of taking care of myself.

Okay? I work very hard.

I fly up to three timesa week.

I get no sleep.

Meanwhile, I see these womenin L.A. who have no job,

but they have a ringon their finger

and they're just at Whole Foodson a Tuesday afternoon.

Chilling. Doing yoga.Chilling.

Watching full episodesof Ellen.


On a Tuesday afternoon.

You know, I look at a womanlike that and I'm like,


That bitch is a genius.

She's not a housewife.She's retired.

I'm all about girl powerand everything,

but when I get married,

I'm straight-up notgoing to work anymore.

No. And I'm not goingto diet anymore.

I'm not going to pretendto like kale anymore.

When I say "I do,"

what I really mean is,"Oh, I'm done."

I'm done.

That's right, and I'm goingto eat whatever I want.

I'm going to eat fried chickenskin every day from then on,

and fulfill my destiny,

which is to turninto a circle with eyelashes.

Like Mrs. Pac-Man.

Yeah, just--


that says I wona free cruise,

but it doesn't say where.

And the email has, like,all these happy white people,

and balloons,and blue water.

And it says,"Destination to be determined."

I'm like, "Oh, we're not fallingfor that again, white people."

No buddy.

No, no, no.

Fool me once,slave on me.

I will notget fooled again.

Get down to the dock,the boat's made out of wood.

It's like, what kind of [BLEEP]cruise is this?

The Royal Amistad?

All the cabinsare below-water cabins.

Like, you know howto row, right?

There's a restaurant in L.A.called the Souplantation,

and people wonder whyI won't eat there.

It has "plantation"in the name.

And kind of suspicious,

it's always my white friendstelling me to eat there.

Like, "Travon, you got to eatat the Souplantation, man.

"The food's so good,you'll want to stay there

and work against your will."

And I'm like,"No, no. No, thank you.

"But you call mewhen they open

"that Roscoe's Chickenand Reparations,

and I'll be there."

Before I was astand-up comedian,

when I was firststarting out,

before I was a professionalstand-up comedian,

I had day jobs.

And, uh, well, I could tell youa story of a day job that I had.

Like mostinsufferable people,

I used to workat a video store.

Worked at a video storein South Street

in Philadelphia.

This was a very uniquevideo store.

Whoo, indeed.

A bunch of-- What a bunchof Ben Franklins

and Liberty Bellsin this crowd.

It was a uniquevideo store.

The name of the storewas Beta Only.

You heardwhat I just said.

Beta Only was a store

that trafficked exclusivelyin betamax videotapes.

This was in the '90s.

And I workedthe night shift

with a young man named--

Young man named Jeff.

We were night shiftpartners at Beta Only.

And so, uh,

we would sometimespass an entire shift

in utter silence,

because the whole reasonI took this job

was that I thought, I'll justget to watch movies all day.

Right? Wrong.

Because it seems the ownersof the Beta Only video store

could not scare upa videomax player

to have in their Beta Onlyvideo store.

So after a coupleof weeks,

we would just sit therein complete silence

like an old,married couple

who realize they shouldn'tbe together anymore,

but they didn't really wantto be alone.

So one night,

after four hoursof stony silence,

an idea occurred to me.

And I turned to Jeffand I said,

with great meaning,

"Jeff, I'm awful tired."

Well, this sparkedsome interest in Jeff.

Jeff said,"I'm tired too."

Well, the wheels startedturning, ladies and gentlemen.

"Jeff," I said,

"I propose to youthat we take naps at work."

Jeff was intrigued.

He said, "How would this work?Do we--

Do we nap in shifts?"

I laughed.

"Ha, ha.Oh, Jeff, dear boy.

"I put it to you

that we shall napconcurrently."

Well, this was allJeff needed to hear.

He immediately laid his littlehead down on the counter.

And I crawledinside the counter,

which was empty.

Because what were we goingto put in there?

Our bags of money?

I slide the door shut

and boom,I was out instantly.

Next day I get to work.

The manager says,"Paul, I need to talk to you."

And I think, Oh! Napgate.