Wednesday, February 10, 2016

  • 02/10/2016

Adam Cayton-Holland, Ben Roy and Andrew Orvedahl guess celebrities' hidden talents, list #FastFoodBooks and try to win over canine voters.

-What? -Ripped from today'sInternet headlines,

it's Rapid Refresh!

(applause and cheering)

Here, in classicascending order of relevance,

are today's trending itemson the World Wide Web.

First thing is #TasteTheBern.

Last night's big winnerin New Hampshire's

Democratic primary was

disgruntled LensCraftersloiterer Bernie Sanders.

-Um...-(laughter)

Seen here trying to return someglasses but without a receipt.

-Uh...-(laughter)

In our favorite momentof the night,

MSNBC commentator Chris Hayesmistakenly referred to him

in the most delicious waypossible.

...particularly closing messageand railing

against pharmaceutical companiesand the like,

and Bernie Sandwich is...Sanders...

(laughter)

-(applause) -Oh!Old Bernie Sandwich is really

climbing up the polls!

The poor guy--he just needs to have lunch.

The whole time he's like,"Sandwich, sandwich.

"I need a sandwich.I just got to

(bleep) get out of hereand have a sandwich."

ADAM:Bernie Sandwich

would be crushing Hillaryright now.

-HARDWICK: It would...-Just go by "Sandwich."

At this point in the (bleep)presidential race,

I think a sandwich could do it.Like, if a sandwich

was on a ballot somewhere, it'dbe like, "Yeah, it seems right

for everythingthat's going on right now."

-Everyone likes Sandwich.-Everybody.

There's no reasonthat that couldn't happen.

So, comedians, what's ina Bernie Sandwich? Ben.

Okay, hair, but also, no hair,all at the same time.

Peyote, all servedon a warm, ill-fitting suit.

-HARDWICK: All right, points.-(laughter)

Andrew.

First of all,the bread is really old.

Like... more than a day.

-(applause)-HARDWICK: It's... Right.

There's a little bitof government cheese,

but there's enough in there

to feed an unrealistic amountof people, so...

HARDWICK:All right, points.

I'm so gladwe solved this mystery.

You're welcome, Chris Hayes.

Onto our next topic--well, that's a first.

That's a first.A video service on Lively--

which will be funnywhen you see the video--

of an uncooperative manin handcuffs

being takeninto British police custody.

The video's been entitled,"Well, That's a First."

Does he pee on a cop,or pee on himself?

I'm gonna go both.

-HARDWICK: Well.. -Oh!-(applause)

-Hang on a second.-(overlapping chatter)

-No, no, no, no, no.-Citing his own experience.

HARDWICK: You can't justmake up rules like that, Ben.

No, no, no,but you try peeing on a cop

and not peeing on yourselfall at the same time.

-HARDWICK: Well, now...-You got a point.

This argument is airtight,but in this case,

it really is one or the other.

-I pull myself outof the race then. -All right.

The correct answer is this.

Ten years, 20 years, 30 years...

-ROY: Whoa! -ADAM: Whoa!-I think...

HARDWICK:This guy's walking...

Is that a water fountain?Jesus.

He's doing the morning woodtuck, clearly.

No, no, no, no, no that'snotorious British gangster

Machine Gun R. Kelly.Uh...

But the guy, uh...

someone was obviouslyfilming this whole thing

while this guy was being,uh, arrested--

-allegedly drunk, we don't know.-Nah.

We're guessing-- he's Britishand babbling and peeing

in the air while being arrested,

I'm-I'm gonna saydrinking, probably.

But what did the guy filminghave to say about this?

MAN:Just wait, give him a shake.

Give him a shake.

Yeah.

-Points that guy.-Points.

British hospitality.

Yeah, well... You know, you gotto make sure want to shake it

so you don't get anyon your pants. Uh...

ROY:Look how red-faced that cop is.

They're all drunk.

On to our next topic,Harry Potter, Harry Potter.

Hold on to yourmuggle (bleep) quaffles,

because a new Harry Potter book

is about to apparateinto our lives July 31.

The book is actuallythe published script of a play

that's going up in London called

Harry Potter and the Cursed Child.

It's set 19 yearsinto the future,

focusing on scarificationenthusiast Harry Potter,

his children, and the mysteryof his hair receding.

Comedians, since we're aboutto get to know him as a dad,

I would like youto give me a dad joke

Harry Potter might tell.Ben.

Uh, don't drop the soap

or someone mightput it in your Azkaban.

Points.Adam.

What's the difference betweena centaur and a cockatrice?

About ten inches of cock.I'm a dirty dad.

-Points.-A cool dirty dad.

Points. Yes, Andrew.

I want you kids to stay out ofyour mom's top dresser drawer,

it's a real chamber of secrets.

All right, points.Yeah.

Oh, yeah, because...

that's where, uh...

that's where Mommykeeps her special wand. Uh...

It's now time for tonight's#HashtagWars.

From now until February 15,McDonald's is switching out

the toys in theirHappy Meals for books,

accidentally ruining theirdecades-long streak of evil.

But since the publicis hungry for literature,

tonight's hashtagis #FastFoodBooks.

Examples might be For Whom the Taco Bell Tolls

and The Portrait of the Artist As A Young Cheeseburger.

In 60 seconds, and begin.Ben.

Chipotles Misérables.

Points. Very good.Adam.

Orange is the New Julius.

Points. Ben.

Mall Diet on the Western Front.

Points, yes.Andrew.

A Tale of Two (bleep).

Yes, points.Andrew.

Uh, The Taco Bell Jar.

Yes, points.Adam.

All the Arby's Horses.

Points.Adam.

Eat, pray, (bleep).

Yes, points.Andrew.

Animal Style Farm.

Yes, points.Uh, Ben.

Fried and Prejudice.

-That's good, I like that.-Nice. Adam.

Uh, Mein Kampf-Wrapped Supreme.

It's time to playHack to School.

Hack to School.

-In the...-(cheering)

Oh.

In Those Who Can't ourcomedians play awful teachers,

so we thought it would befitting to show you

some real-life educatorswho are ruining young lives

in a uniquely modern way:by making

educational parody songsand putting them on YouTube.

How could this go right?

So, comedians,I'm gonna show you

a cringe-tasticscholastic spoof,

and for 250 pointsyou're gonna need to answer

a question about it, all right?First up,

this mathematical parodyof "Dark Horse".

♪ Are you ready for, ready for

♪ A perfect square,a perfect square ♪

♪ So you wantto play with numbers ♪

♪ You see 'em coming at youwith great force ♪

Um...

What did the principal say

when he caught himmaking this video at the office?

Uh, Holland.

Ron, I'm not gonna lie to you--

I'd be less angryif you'd (bleep) a student.

So good.

He seems like a Ron.

Yeah, he seems like a Ron.He seems like a Ron. Ben.

Uh, this is Dan,our geometry teacher.

He's demonstratinga Molly-sided triangle.

Yes, points. Very good.

Next up, this "Trap Queen"parody about DNA.

♪ Deoxyribonucleic acid

♪ Contains your genetic code

♪ DNA, a molecule that makes upall your chromosomes ♪

♪ ...they go

♪ Deoxyribonucleic

♪ DNA is deoxyribonucleic acid

♪ Yeah

I liked it.

How did this man celebrate

when this video rocketed acrossthe 16,000-view mark? Andrew.

Undid the noose and stepped offthe office chair.

Yes, points.

Yeah.

Adam Cayton-Holland.

I think he celebratedby cloning his girlfriend

and having a threesome.

Yeah, points.Points.

You're safe, no harm.

Next up, you know we're notgetting out of this segment

without a Frozen parody,

so just shut upand (bleep) take it. Here.

♪ Let it go, let it go

♪ I will let my knowledge show

♪ Let the test go on

♪ I'm so ready for this anyway

(heavy grunting)

I... This guyright here in the front--

the first note hitand he was like... (exclaims).

Like, it just, like...

It was this... it was likehe was being slapped

with a-with a something.

Uh, what did their classes yell

after they wereshown this video? Andrew.

Let us go.Jesus.

Yeah, points. Points.

Yup. Ben Roy.

Um, these extra creditflash mobs

are gettingreally out of control.

All right, points.Adam Clayton-Holland.

The only frozenis all your eggs.

Before the break,

Triumph, the Insult Comic Dogshowed you some tweets

that prove Donald Trump knowsvery little about canines,

and we asked you to givea pandering speech

from Trump to dogs. And thenTriumph is gonna give you

the points, all right? Solet's start with you, Ben Roy.

Vote for me.Because, at the worst,

it's only 0.5714285714 yearsof your life.

-That's true. -That's-that'sseven divided by four.

-Excellent math. Excellent math.Yeah. -Thank you. Thank you.

As a dog, I actually don'tunderstand that one either.

Score .57142 points.

Oh, I wish there was a way...

-Well, I think we're just gonnahave to... -Funny or Die

-will pay for a new scoreboard.-What is...

I think we just haveto round up to z-zero.

-Let's round up to one point.-One point. All right.

Give Ben a point. Andrew.

Dogs, I'm just like you.

I, too, would have sexwith my daughter.

You can tr... That's a Trumpjoke. That's a Trump joke.

When people sayhe's going all the way,

that'swhat they're talking about.

I give that one a-a 9.9

to match it up.

-All right. We'll rou... we'llgive him nine points. -Yes. Yes.

-Ten points!-Ten points. Ten points.

-Adam Cayton-Holland.-Listen, if you elect me,

I can promise you all dogswill go to heaven.

Except for Muslim dogs.

Ouch. Ouch.

Terribly inappropriate.Terribly inappropriate.

-100 points. -Whoa! -100points to Adam Cayton-Holland.

Well done! Triumph,the Insult Comic Dog, everyone!

Please make sure to check outhis election special on Hulu.

It's now time for our next game,

Hidden Talent Ranch.Hidden Talent Ranch.

Cracked.com is oneof those rare comedy Web sites

that's actually funny. Theyrecently posted a great article

about celebritieswith surprising hidden talents.

For instance, did you knowthat Willie Nelson has

a fifth-degree black beltin tae kwon do?

Or that Jet Ski championVanilla Ice

also was a rapper at one point?

Well, now you do. Comedians,I'm gonna show you a picture

of a celebrity.I would like you to tell me

what their secret talent is.First up, Skrillex.

Yes, Andrew.

Works at Claire's boutiqueat the mall.

Yes, points!

Next up, Channing Tatum.

-Ben.-Styling Jonah Hill's back hair.

Points.

Next up, the Olsen twins. Adam.

Uh, appearing at the endof a hallway

when you're ridingyour big wheel.

Oh. Flawless reference.

Points. Next up, Nicki Minaj.

Secret talent. Adam.

(bleep)ing.

Points.

Next up, Ellen. Ellen DeGeneres.

Andrew.

Huge ivory collection.

Points. You wouldn't know it.

-You wouldn't know it.It's a secret. -It's a surprise.