Wednesday, April 20, 2016

  • 04/20/2016

Tyler Labine, Steve Agee and Doug Benson celebrate 4/20 by offering tips to stoners, explore Sarah Palin's scientific theories and make up #420Celebs.

It's 4/20, sort of. I mean,it's technically after midnight,

but you're still bakedfrom the same day,

so let's just sayit's (bleep) 4/20.

-Uh... which...-(cheers and applause)

I know, I know, I know.

You've been hearing it all day.

I do not partakefor three reasons.

Number one- I am sober,

number two--it makes me very paranoid,

and number three--uh, see one and two. Uh...

-(laughter) -420, by the way,is secret police code

for no woman, no cry.

And all across the countrytoday, stoners were stoning,

bongs were bonging, gatewayswere leading to cocaine.

Spencer's gifts sold enoughblack light astrology posters

to reach halfway to the moonbefore you had

to turn back around'cause you forgot your phone.

-(laughter)-So...

So far, 24 stateshave legalized pot...

(laughter)

Yeah. I don't know...

-(applause and cheering)-I guess...

we're just...

I'll accept that you're gigglyalready, Steve Agee.

-I'll accept.-AGEE: Smoke it. Just smoke

-the joint.-(laughter)

24 states have so farlegalized pot

for medical use,like for cataracts or Coachella.

-WOMAN: Yeah.-(whooping, cheering)

But some are worried

that pot smokersare giving states a bad image.

For more on this, we take youto Colorado news toker

Jeremy Hubbard. Jeremy.

All right, Colorado,I love you,

but we got to start puttingon pants

-when we go to buy marijuana.-(laughter)

Please, please, put on pants.

That's all... I ask.

-(laughter) -That's it.-All right, well, I guess.

-(applause and cheering)-That seems like a...

But a simple request, right?

HARDWICK: This is just a littlemessage to you, Jeremy Hubbard.

I appreciateyour message, right,

for you and go and gettingyour official weed,

but this was suchan amazing opportunity for him

to have turned and walked awayand just had no pants on.

-(laughter) -Like, you totallymissed an opportunity, Hubbard!

-Get (bleep) together!-WOMAN: Yeah. -(whooping)

So, comedians,you may or may not smoke pot.

I don't know.I'm guessing you do.

What is another tipfor our viewers

that might have smoked too muchMary of the juana? Tyler Labine.

Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon

matches up perfectlywith Pink Floyd's The Wall.

-(laughter)-HARDWICK: Oh, crazy!

-Steve Agee.-In reverse.

Don't catch your crankin your zipper, dude.

(laughter and groaning)

Good advice. Doug Benson.

Chris, it's importantto pace yourself,

which I did not do today.

(cheers and applause)

Alaska's weird science plotgone wrong

Sarah Palin is back in the news

after emerging from herbear trap to inform America

that she's as muchas scientist as Bill Nye.

(imitating Palin):Don't ya know?

-The guy who's got "science"in part of his name. -(laughter)

So the Internet naturallyflipped out. But you know what?

Let's give herthe benefit of the doubt

and compare their résumés.Bill Nye spent

over 30 years workingin the field of science

with companieslike Boeing and NASA.

Sarah Palin spent over 30 years

working in the fields of Alaskahunting for big foots.

-(laughter) -So, let's pretendfor a second maybe she knows

what she's talking about.Comedians, what are some

Sarah Palin science facts?Steve Agee.

Uh, the front crack is pink,and the back crack is brown.

(laughter)

Suck it, Neil deGrasse Tyson.

-(laughter, applauseand cheering) -HARDWICK: Right?

Um, interesting.

Yeah, I think the, uh...

the science checks out on that.

-Joints. Uh, Doug.-Yeah.

The Jungle Book is the greatestdocumentary of the year.

-(laughter) -HARDWICK:Joints to Doug Benson.

(applause and cheering)

Tyler.

(imitating Palin):The reason the sky is blue

is becauseGod is sad about the gays.

-HARDWICK: All right joints,joints. -(laughter)

It's now timefor the #HashtagWars.

(cheering, applause)

(cheering, whistling, applause)

Well, as you know,

it was 4/20, the day of weed,in case the Internet

didn't remind youa million (bleep) times.

Tons of famous people liketo partake in the ganja

beyond just the enthusiastswe have before you,

so the chillest holidayof them all--

tonight's hashtag is #420Celebs.#420Celebs.

-(shouting, cheering)-Examples...

Examples of this might be:

Puff Puff Pratt,

and Jon Bong Jovi.

I'm gonna put 60 secondson the clock, and begin.

-Steve.-Louis T.H.C.K.

-Points!-(cheering, applause)

Tyler.

Uh, Blunter S. Thompson.

Points. Doug Benson.

-Johnny Cashed.-Points.

Steve.

Arianna Puffington.

-(laughter)-Points.

Doug Benson.

Sativa Agee.

-(laughter)-Ah, boy. Points.

-Tyler.-This is a two-parter.

Bowl McHale or Joel Exhale.

Points. Very good. Very good.

Double angle there.Points. I'm gonna give you

-double points for that. Doug.-Thank you.

-(like Danza): Stony Danza.-Yeah, points.

-(cheering, applause)-Excellent voice work.

Excellent character work. Steve.

Marijuana Richard Nixon.

(laughter)

(applause)

I guarantee that wasjust (bleep) stupid enough

to have people howling ontheir couches right now. Points.

-Tyler.-Uh, Reefer Sutherland.

Points! Very good!