The Upright Citizens Brigade gathers human oddities, including a businessman with a baby head hand and a senior citizen trying to mate with a dolphin.
I want you to identifythe color of the card.
Take your time.
(quietly)The color's blue.
Yeah, I know what colorthe card is.
Gillian... the color is?
How would you like itif you lived in a world,
you looked up into the skyand all you saw was pizza?
Pizza's not even a color.
There's a lot more going onthere than colorblindness.
Gillian, I want you to pointto the pink balloon.
No, again...pink balloon!
Boobies!Now yellow balloon!
Peepee hole!No, pink balloon!
Knock it off-- stop takingadvantage of your cousin!
Please!Do you know
Gillian cannot evendrive a car
because she can't differentiatebetween the red,
yellow, and greenon a stop light.
If she was reallyonly colorblind,
she could memorizethe order of the lights.
Wouldn't that be easyfor you, pal?
How 'bout instead, this damncity start following
federal law and installtalking robotic heads
at the topof all stoplights,
which will inform thecolorblind,
stop, go, beware.
That's ridiculous.And by the way,
the yellow doesn't mean"beware."
Oh, what does it mean?
I don't know,it means here comes red.
Ever since the ColorblindFairness Act of 1996,
all places in generalassembly must have
talking robotic headsinstalled in all bathrooms!
But this place istoo cheap for that.
So Gillian walksinto the men's room
and eats a urinal cake
because she thinksshe's in a kitchen
eating a real cake,
because there's no talkingrobotic head there
to explain to her,"This is a urinal cake,
"not a real cake.
Here comes red."
All right, okay,that's enough, stop.
I like cake!How about it?
Bigot!I'm not a bigot.
Your cousin is mentallyhandicapped.
Your prejudice is bold,my friend.
Is it so bold thatyou would wear these?
Ooh!What are those?
These are special glasseswhich simulate colorblindness.
Yeah, I will wear 'em
to show you there's nobig thing to being colorblind.
Hey, I got big balls!Right.
I have two things leftin my bag.
You must eat one of them.Fine.
I have a red apple,
and a plastic baggiefilled with pig anuses.
All right, why do you carryaround a plastic bag
full of pig anuses?
Quit stalling and choose.
Oh, pig anuses!
What the hell isthe matter with her?
She chooses wrongquite often.
Will you stopmoving them, please?
Yeah, not so easy
when you're totallycolorblind is it?
Stop, don't move.
Which is which?Choose.
Oh, yeah.That's an apple.
Sweet, succulent, red apple,down the hatch.
Oh, God!Oh, I was wrong!
Oh, God, I was so wrong!
Thank you, sir,for sticking up
for all of uswith horrible afflictions
that stand-up comediansflippantly dismiss.
Are you colorblindas well, my friend?
No, my brother.I'm pussy-whipped.