Extended - Wednesday, February 11, 2015 - Uncensored

  • 02/11/2015

Lauren Cohan, Josh McDermitt and Robert Kirkman of "The Walking Dead" list #ZombieSongs, write B-movie dialogue and share spoilers in this extended, uncensored episode.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNETHEADLINES, IT'S RAPID REFRESH.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

WE NOW PUT OUR ATTENTION TO THEMOST HARD-CORE SPORT. I'M

TALKING ABOUT THE CONTEST OFKINGS, CHINESE ARCADE POP A

SHOT.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

SO THREE GUYS POP A SHOT MADEIT TO THE TOP OF REDDIT FOR

ONE REASON AND ONE REASON ONLY.

ONE OF THESE THREE GUYS ISAN ABSOLUTELY BALLER.

DO YOU HAVE ANY DESES ONWHICH ONE IT IS, WHICH ONE

DO YOU THINK IT IS, LAUREN.

>> MAYBE THE FARTHEST RIGHTBECAUSE THE BALL IS SO HIGH

RIGHT NOW.

>> CHRIS: THAT GUY. OKAY, JOSH?

>> IT HAS GOT TO BE THE GUYIN THE KHAKI SHORTS.

I MEAN --

>> CHRIS: THIS GUY?

>> ANYONE WHO WEARS SHORTSTHAT HIGH AND TIGHT KNOWS A

THING OR TWO ABOUT BALLS.

>> CHRIS: ALL RIGHT.

ROBERT KIRKMAN.

>> I HAVE TO GO WITH JOSH ONTHIS ONE.

THE HEIGHT OF THE BALL ISN'TAS IMPORTANT AS HEIGHT OF

THE BELT.

>> BAM, RATE THERE.

>> A CLASSIC NBA TRUISM.

LET'S FIND OUT.

>> CHRIS: OH, SHIT!

(APPLAUSE)

>> CHRIS: A HUNDRED POINTS FORJOSH AND ROBERT.

HE IS HEATING UP WITH THEPOWER OF A BRAIDED BELT.

THE GUY, HE IS NOT CONTENTONLY DOMINATING ONE LANE.

>> CHRIS: BUT NOW WATCH WHATHAPPENS WHEN HE WRAPS IT UP.

HE SCHOOLS EVERYONE.

AND NONCHALANTLY WALKS AWAY,WIPES A LITTLE SWEAT OFF.

WHATEVER--

(APPLAUSE)

WHATEVER IS IN THE BAG THERE,A HUMAN HEAD OR NOODELS OR

WHATEVER IT IS.

CONTESTANTS I WOULD LIKE YOUTO PUT YOURSELFS IN THIS

GUY'S SENSIBLE LOVERS, YOUJUST CRUSHED IT IN POP A

SHOTS.

WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO NOW?LAUREN COHAN.

>> KEEP LYING TO MY WIFETHAT I HAVE BEEN OUT ALL DAY

LOOKING FOR A JOB.

>> CHRIS: YES, POINTS, POINTS.

THIS IS ACTUALLY ONEWHERE SHE CAUGHT HIM DOING

THAT, WOULD BE LIKE NO, IWAS CHEATING ON YOU.

"NO, YOU AREN'T."

ROBERT KIRKMAN.

>> HE'S GOING TO DO THE SAMETHING HE DOES EVERY NIGHT:

GOING TO GO BACK TO HISAPARTMENT AND MAKE OUT WITH

AN ANIME SEX PILLOW.

>> CHRIS: YEAH, OKAY, POINTS.

HE'S AMBIDEXTROUS. HE'SCLEARLY AMBIDEXTEROUS.

ALL RIGHT, MOVING ON.

JUST IN TIME FOR VALENTINE'SGAY-- VALENTINE'S GAY?

>> THAT'S OUR HOLIDAY, CHRIS.

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> THAT'S A FREUDIAN NIP.

(LAUGHTER)

>> SORRY.

>> CHRIS: THAT'S RIGHT.

VALENTINE'S GAY, FEBRUARY69.

ALL RIGHT.

JUST IN TIME FOR VALENTINE'SDAY, GIVE THAT SPECIAL

PERSON IN YOUR LIFESOMETHING THAT IS NOT

SURPRISINGLY BELGIAN.

FOR $38.95, PLUS SHIPPINGTHE BLUNTLY NAMED COMPANY

EDIBLE ANUS WILL SEND YOUFIVE BOXES OF BELGIAN

CHOCOLATE BUTTHOLES.

>> OH MY GOD.

>> WOW.

>> CHRIS: IN THE FLAVORS MILK,DARK AND I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU

DON'T JUST CALL THE WHITECHOCOLATE BLEACHED.

(APPLAUSE)

>> CHRIS: IT'S SO MESSED UP, MYGIRLFRIEND WON'T EVEN LET ME

BUY A CHOCOLATE DICK TO PUT NEARTHERE.

IF IT REGULARLY EXCEEDS 26DEGREES CELCIUS, YOU WILL

NEED TO PURCHASE AN INFLATEDSHIPPING BOX OTHERWISE YOUR

HEAR IS YOUR VALENTINE'S SKIDMARKS.

>> I THINK IT SHOULD SAYSHIPPING TOO HOT TO HANDLE

COUNTRIES.

>> YES.

>> I DON'T KNOW, CHRIS,EVERY ANUS IS EDABLE IF YOU

AREN'T AFRAID.

(APPLAUSE)

>> CHRIS: YES.

100 POINTS FOR JOSHMcDERMITT.

NOW MAGNUS IRVIN THE GUYBEHIND THE CHOCOLATE-- MAGNUS

IRVIN THE UNABOMB BEHIND THECHOCOLATE BEHINDS --

SAID THIS IS A DIRECT QUOTE,I POURED THE STUFF IN ME BUM

AND IT ALL RUN PAST ME NUTSINTO ME FACE.

BUT HE WAS TRYING TO MAKETHE MOLD OF HIS BUTT.

>> NO.

>> CHRIS: SOMETIMES --

>> OH, IT'S HIS BUTT.

>> CHRIS: IT IS HIS BUTT NOT,YOU CAN GET IT MOLDED OF YOUR

OWN BUTT.

THAT'S PART OF THE MAGIC OFIT.

>> YOU HAVE TO GO TO HISHOUSE.

>> YEAH.

>> CHRIS: AND YOU DON'T GET TOLEAVE EVER.

CONTESTANTS, I WOULD LIKEYOU TO COME UP WITH A SLOGAN

FOR THESE CRABBY CANDIES,LAUREN COHAN.

>> IT'S THE SHIT.

>> CHRIS: YEAH, POINTS. POINTS.

>> CHRIS: FEED MY SEED ALL NIGHTLONG.

JOSH McDERMITT.

>> EVERY KISS BEGINS WITH A.

>> CHRIS: YES, POINTS.

>> CHRIS: KIRKMAN, WHAT IS YOURSUBMISSION FOR THIS RECTAL --

>> ALL THE FUN OF A REALBUTTHOLE WITH ALL THE MESS

OF A REAL BUTTHOLE.

(LAUGHTER)

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

NOW IT'S TIME FOR

TONIGHT'S HASHTAG WARS.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> CHRIS: THANKS IN NO SMALLPART TO THE POPULARITY OF THE

WALKING DEAD, ALL MANNER 6ZOMBIE PRODUCTS ARE AVAILABLE

ONLINE.

YOU CAN GET DARRELL'S NECKLACEOF ZOMBIE EARS THERE.

I HAVE ONE OF THE REAL ONESBUT NO BIG DEAL OR ANYTHING.

A SWARM OF ZOMBIE GARDEN GNOMES.

AND OF COURSE, BECAUSE IT'STHE INTERNET, A ZOMBIE

DILDO.

>> THE FUNNY THING IS MYGRANDMA SO ENJOYS WATCHING

ME ON TV, BUT I'M NOT GOINGTO TELL HER ABOUT THIS ONE.

>> CHRIS: THE ONLY PRODUCT THATI HAVEN'T FOUND RELATED TO

THIS IS AN ALBUM OF ZOMBIETHEMED MUSIC, WHICH IS WHY AT

ANY TIME'S HASHTAG IS ZOMBIESONGS, ZOMBIE SONGS.

(APPLAUSE)

>> CHRIS: EXAMPLES MIGHT BEPURPLE BRAIN OR WALKER THIS WAY

OR GOOD BYE MERLE THE DIXONCHICKS.

MASHED THEM UP.

I WILL PUT 60 SECOND ONTHE CLOCK.

AND GO.

LAUREN COHAN.

>> MOMMAS DON'T LET YOURBABIES GROW UP TO BE

ZOMBIES.

>> CHRIS: YES. POINTS, POINTS.

ROBERT KIRKMAN.

>> STAND BY ME AND KILLANYTHING THAT MOVES.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

JOSH.

>> MY MASHONA.

>> CHRIS: YES, POINTS.

>> MIDNIGHT BRAIN TOGEORGIA.

>> CHRIS: YES, POINTS.

KIRKMAN.

>> WHAT'S GOING ON SERIOUSLYWAS'S GOING ON, I HAVE BEEN

IN A COMA FOR SIX MONTHSTHIS PLACE LOOKS LIKE

SHIT.

>> CHRIS: YEAH, LAUREN COHAN.

>> IT'S RAINING GLENN.

>> CHRIS: YES.

WELL IT CERTAINLY WAS FORMAGGIE.

JOSH?

>> YOUR BODY IS A ZOMBIELAND.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

JOSH?

>> EUGENE BLINDED ME WITHSCIENCE.

>> CHRIS: YES.

GOOD ONE.

IT'S TIME TO PLAY THE DATING

GAME.

THE DATING GAME.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

THIS WEEKEND IS VALENTINE'S DAY.

NOT TOO LATE TO FIND THATSPECIAL SOMEONE THANKS TO

THE INTERNET.

IN THE DAYS BEFORE THE INTERNETIF YOU WERE SAY FARMER

LOOKING FOR LOVE, YOU HAD TOHOPE THE GUY WHO OWNED THE

FEED STORE HAD A DAUGHTERWITHOUT WASN'T VERY PICKY.

OR A GOAT WHO COULD KEP ASECRET.

BUT NOT ANY MORE.

THANKS TO FARMERS ONLY DOT COM.

>> WE USED TO BE LONELY.

>> UNTIL WE MET ON FARMERS ONLY.

>> CHRIS: YUP, THE AMERICANGOTHIC PORTAIT MET ON

FARMERS ONLY DOT COM.

>> I HAVE ACTUALLY SEENTHIS.

>> CHRIS: YOU'VE SEEN THIS?

>> STEVE YOUNG SENT THIS TOME.

>> CHRIS: WAS HE LIKE, I'MLOOKING FOR--

>> HAVING TROUBLE FINDING LOVE?

>> CHRIS: MAGGIE WOULD NOT HAVENEEDED TO GO ON FARMERS

ONLY DOT COM.

>> HE ARRIVED AT HERDOORSTEP.

>> CHRIS: HE JUST ARRIVED.

>> NO, BUT IT'S FUNNY.

>> CHRIS: ALL SHE NEEDED WAS THEAPOCALYPSE TO FIND THE RIGHT

GUY.

>> HAT WAS HOW HE SEPARATED THEWHEAT FROM THE CHAFF.

I DIDN'T EVEN MEAN TO SAYTHAT.

>> CHRIS: WELL, FARMER'S ONLY ISJUST ONE OF HUNDREDS OF

INSANELY SPECIFIC DATINGSITES.

I WILL GIVE THE NAME OF TADATING WEB SITES THAT DON'T

SOUND LIKE THEY COULD BEREAL BUT ONE OF THEM

ACTUALLY IS WILL YOU GET 250POINTS IF YOU GUESS WHICH

ONE.

FIRST ONE, IS THE REAL DATINGSITE CLOWN DATING DOT COM, WHERE

FOLKS WITHOUT JUST WANT TOGO OUT WITH CLOWNS OR JUGGLE

BUDDIES DOT NET, A SITE FORPEOPLE TO FIND ROMANCE WHO

SHARE AN INTEREST INJUGGLING.

WHICH ONE?

LAUREN.

>> JUGGLE BUDDIES DOT NET.

>> CHRIS: WELL, I THINK THECORRECT ANSWER IS,

UNFORTUNATELY, CLOWN DATING.

OH SO CREEPY.

LISTEN.

EVERYBODY LOVES A CLOWN.

LET A CLOWN LOVE YOU.

>> CREEPY.

>> CHRIS: WHAT IF HE TOOK OFFHER DRESS AND LIKE TEN CLOWNS

CAME OUT?

>> I GOTTA SAY, I THINKTHEY'VE DONE IT THEY CAN SUT

DOWN THE INTERNET AT THISPOINT.

I MEAN WHAT DO WE DO NOW?

>> CHRIS: NEXT ONE, THIS IS-- ICAN'T TALK ABOUT CLOWN

FUCKING ON TALKING DEAD, ALLRIGHT.

SO THIS IS WHERE THAT COMES OUT.

>> NOBODY CAN.

>> CHRIS: NOBODY CAN.

I CAN'T, I CAN'T LIKE, SO,NORMAN, YOU PLAY DARRELL

DIXON, DO YOU THINK THEREARE CLOWNS FUCKING IN THE

APOCALYPSE.

I CAN'T DO THAT I WOULD GETFIRED.

>> IF THERE WERE, DARRELLDICKSON WOULD FIND THEM.

>> CHRIS: SHIT, MAN.

I KNOW WHERE ALL THE CLOWNSARE FUYCKING AROUND HERE,

MAN.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

NEXT ONE, IS THE REAL DATINGSITE DIAPER MATES DOT COM A SITE

FOR ADULTS TO FIND A PARTNERTO CHANGE THEIR DIAPERS OR

SOLE MATES DOT COM, A DATINGSITE FOR ADULT FOOT FETISTS.

ROBERT KIRKMAN.

>> SOLE MATES, BECAUSEEVERYBODY LOVES FEET.

>> CHRIS: THEY DO, BUTSURPRISINGLY PEOPLE ALSO LOVE

DIAPERS.

DIAPER MATE.

>> NO.

>> CHRIS, CANNOT BE ONTHIS SHOW ANY MORE?

I WAS HAVING A LOT OF FUNAND THEN--

>> IT'S GETTING WEIRD.

>> CHRIS: IS IT BECAUSE YOU NEEDTO RUSH TO THE INTERNET TO SIGN

UP FOR DIAPER MATES?

>> I WAS WITH YOU WITHZOMBIE DILDO.

I CAN'T DO IT ANY MORE.

I'M SORRY.

>> CHRIS: NEXT ONE IS THE REALDATING SITE SEA CAPTIAN DATE

DOT COM, A SITE THAT HOOKSUP LONELY WOMEN WITH A REAL

SEA CAPTAIN OR, ROOFER ROMANCEDOT COM, A SITE FOR GAL WAS WANT

TO MEET A GUY WHO WORKS ONROOFS.

>> I WANTED TO BE ROOFERROMANCE SO MUCH.

I HAVE NO REASON.

>> CHRIS: WELL, I'M SORRY TODISAPPOINT.

IT'S ACTUALLY SEA CAPTAINDATE DOT COM.

I KNOW.

>> WHEN YOU'RE ON A BOAT FULL OFMEN ALL DAY, LET'S JUST SAY

YOU DON'T GET A CHANCE TOMEET THAT MANY WOMEN.

>> YOU KNOW, I DRIVEFREIGHTERS FOR A LIVING.

I CAN NAVIGATE THE SEA BUTTHE INTERNET COMPLETELY

BAFFLES ME.

>> THE INTERNET BAFFLES ME.

>> THAT GUY CREATED THE WEBSITE JUST FOR HIM, RIGHT?

>> CHRIS: ONLY ONE HIT.

>> HEY, BABY, YOU WANT TOCOME OVER AND PICK OFF MY

BARACLES.

>> CHRIS: NO --

A HUNDRED POINTS FOR JOSHMcDERMITT.

NO ONE HAS RESPONDED YET.

SEA CAPTAIN CRY.

LAST ONE IS-- YOU REALLYFELT BAD FOR THE FAKE SEA

CAPTAIN IN THAT.

IS THE REAL DATING SITEZOMBIE DATING DOT COM, A PLACE

WHERE THE UNDEAD CAN FINDLOVE OR DATING DRAGULAS DOT

COM, A SITE FOR FLIRTING WITHCROSS-DRESSING VAMPIRES?

(APPLAUSE)

>> CHRIS: JOSH McDERMITT.

OH MY GOD, THAT'S NEVERHAPPENED BEFORE.

I GUESS I GOT TO FOLLOW THELIGHT AND GO TO JOSH.

>> I'M GOING TO PICK ZOMOBIEDATING SITE DOT COM.

THE ZOMBIE CRAZE IS HUGE.

IT WOULDN'T PUT IT PAST HIM.

>> CHRIS: LET'S FIND OUT.

THE CORRECT ANSWER IS ZOMBIEDATING.

>> I WANTED IT TO BE THEOTHER ONE SO BAD THOUGH.

>> CHRIS: THIS ALSO HAS A FINDZOMBIES IN YOUR AREA.

WHAT IF A ZOMBIE ACTUALLYGOT A CLOWN.

THIS TASTES FUNNY.

>> NO POINTS FOR YOU, MAN.

NO POINTS FOR YOU.

>> CHRIS: I KNOW, I'M SORRY.

TIME FOR OUR NEXT GAME,ZOM-B-MOVIES.

ZOM-B-MOVIES.

I THINK WE CAN ALL AGREETHE WALKING DEAD IS THE

ZOMBIE GENRE "CITIZEN KANE."BUT FOR EVERY "CITIZEN KANE"

THERE ARE COUNT ITS"BATTLEFIELD EARTHS"

I WILL SHOW YOU A SCENE FROMAN AMATEURISH ZOMBIE FILM WE

FOUND ON-LINE AND I WANT YOUTO TELL ME WHAT THE NEXT

LINE OF DIALOGUE IS.

FIRST ONE, FROM THE FILM"REDNECK ZOMBIE."

>> WHOOPS. TOO LATE FOR YOU.

(AUDIENCE GRAONS)

>> CHRIS: JOSH?

>> GIT-R- DONE!

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

LAUREN.

>> OW, MY EYES.

OW, STOP.

STOP.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

>> I'M GOING HOME.

>> CHRIS: YOU WEREN'T SUPPOSEDTO POP OUT MY REAL EYES.

>> WE DIDN'T DO THAT IN THEREHEARSAL.

>> CHRIS: POINTS. ROBERTKIRKMAN.

>> I CAN DO THIS BECAUSE I'MFROM KENTUCKY.

NASCAR.

>> CHRIS: YEAH, POINTS.

>> NEXT FROM THE FILM ZOMBIESTRIPPERS.

>> THIS ISN'T SO MUCH FUNANY MORE.

LET ME MAKE IT UP TO YOU.

>> CHRIS: ROBERT?

>> WELL, AT LEAST I WON'T GOHOME SMELLING LIKE PERFUME.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

>> MS. COHAN.

>> I'M JUST DOING THIS TOPAY MY WAY THROUGH ZOMBIE

NURSING SCHOOL.

>> CHRIS: POINTS, FANTASTIC.

NEXT ONE FROM THE FILMZOMBIE NIGHT.

>> YOU SON OF A BITCH!

(GUN SHOT)

>> CHRIS: LAUREN.

>> YOU SHOT ME, YOU SHOT MEIN THE LEG!

I DID A TERRIBLE IMPRESSIONBUT YOU KNOW FROM AUSTIN

POWERS AND WILL FERRELL? ANYWAY--

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> CHRIS: NO COME BACK!

DON'T LEAVE.

>> I THINK THE IMPRESSIONWORKS IF YOU TELL EVERYONE

WHO WHAT IT IS AFTERWARDS.

"I AM NOT A CROOK."

THAT'S THE PRESIDENT WHO GOT-- WAS-- NIXON.

JOSH.

>> OOPS MY BAD, THOUGHT YOUWERE SOMEONE ELSE.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

KIRKMAN?

>> THIS THING REALLY WORKS.

THANKS, BASS PRO SHOP.

>> CHRIS: YES, POINTS.

NICE.

LAST ONE.

>> FROM THE WALKING DEAD, AHARD-CORE PARODY AND BY

HARD-CORE I MEAN A PORN.

>> YOU HAD A THREESOME WITH MYMOM AND YOUR BEST FRIEND.

CARL, I GOTTA KNOW IF YOU CAN GOOVER THERE AND FUCK THAT GIRL.

>> CHRIS: ROBERT KIRKMAN.

>> I JUST WANT TO SAY--

>> CHRIS: I WILL GIVE YOU POINTSFOR YOUR DEFENSE.

JOSH?

>> SURE IF IT WILL GET MEMANAGED ON TALKING HEAD WITH

CHRIS HARDDICK.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> CHRIS: YUP, OUR-- OUR GUESTTHIS WEEK IS ACTOR JOSH

McSPERMIT.

LAUREN COHAN.

>> WILL THIS ALSO GET METHROUGH NURSING SCHOOL?

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

YOUR CHARACTERS JUST WANT TO BEA NURSE.

>> MAYBE CARL JUST WANTS TO BE ANURSE.

>> WAS THAT FROM AUSTIN POWERS?

>> BE QUIET!

>> CHRIS: IT'S TIME FOR WALKINGDEAD SPOILERS.

WALKING DEAD SPOILERS.

THE WALKING DEAD RIPPEDOUR GODDAMN HEARTS OUT OF

OUR CHEST AND KILLS OFFMAJOR CHARACTERS, TWO IN THE

LAST TWO EPISODES ALONE.

NOW IN THE-- I KNOW, WELL,HE'S THE GUY WITHOUT DOES IT.

>> I DON'T KNOW WHATWRESTLERS DO S THAT WHAT

WRESTLERS DO.

>> CHRIS: YEAH, THAT'S WHATWRESTLE ARES DO.

YOU KNOW WHEN YOU WERE WORKON A SHOW LIKE THIS I TRY TO

PROTECT MYSELFS, YOU HAVE TOKEEP ALL THE INFORMATION IN

YOUR HEADS ALL THE TIME ANDBE CONSCIOUS NOT TO SCREW UP/

SO I WANT TO FREE YOU BYLETTING YOU GIVE ME AS MANY

FAKE SPOILERS FOR THE NEWSEASON OF THE WALKING DEAD

AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN.

IT WILL BE FUN.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

I AM GOING TO PUT OF 60 SECONDSON THE CLOCK AND BEGIN.

LAUREN.

>> CARL HAS BEEN WEARING AWIRE.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

KIRKMAN.

>> MAGGIE AND EUGENE BOTHDIE IN NEXT WEEK'S EPISODE.

>> CHRIS: WHOA!

POINTS.

>> BRIAN WILLIAMS ADMITS HEREALLY WASN'T IN THE CDC

WHEN IT BLEW UP.

>> CHRIS: OKAY, POINTS.

>> MISHAWNA HAS BEEN PLAYEDBY YOU CHRIS HARDWICK THIS

WHOLE TIME.

>> CHRIS: YES.

JOSH.

>> BETH COMES BACK AS A DOGTHAT CAN SOLVE CRIMES.

>> GREAT.

>> CHRIS: WAIT A MINUTE.

WAIT A MINUTE.

THIS DOG IS STILL GOING TOSING SONGS, RIGHT.

>> OH, ABSOLUTELY.

>> CHRIS: OKAYING POINTS.

KIRKMAN.

>> EVENTUALLY A CHARACTERNAMED NEGAN IS INTRODUCED

AND WILL BASH IN GLENN'SBRAINS WITH A BASEBALL BAT

CALLED LUCILLE.

>> OH.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

>> IT'S A COMEDY SHOW.

JOSH.

>> THE GANG GETS A VISITFROM THE HARLEM GLOBETROTTERS.

>> CHRIS: SO GOOD.

POINTS.

KIRKMAN.

>> THE GROUP STUMBLES ACROSSA WORKING CHILI, SITS DOWN

FOR A NICE MEAL AND ENJOYSTHE PREMIER EPISODE OF THE A

M.C. CLASSIC "LOW WINTER SUN."