Week of 8/27/2012 - Kimmel, Norton, Rajskub, Lee

  • Season 1, Ep 3
  • 08/28/2012

Jimmy Kimmel, Jim Norton, Mary Lynn Rajskub and Bobby Lee talk Honey Boo Boo; Jeff takes on nightclub bouncers.

THANK YOU.

ALL RIGHT LET'S START WITH BURN

SHOUT OUTS.

MC CALLY CALKIN TURNS THAT THIS

WEEK, POUNDS.

OH , MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED?

[APPLAUSE].

HE LOOKS LIKE FUNERAL HOME

ALONE.

[LAUGHTER].

HE IS MOST FAME US AS A CHILD

ACTOR FIGHTING OFF 2 INTRUDERS

MICHAEL JACKSON'S MIDDLE AND

INDEX FINGERS.

IT COME FROM LOVE.

PEOPLE.

OF COURSE A BIG HEY TO ABRIL

WHO GOT ENGAGED TO LEAD SINGER

OF NICKEL BACK.

I'D SAY THEY MAKE BEAUTIFUL

MUSIC BUT WHY SHOULD THEY START

NOW?

[LAUGHTER].

ALL RIGHT.

SPEAKING OF UNTALENTED PEOPLE

TEAMING UP LAST WEEK THE

EXPENDABLES 2 OPENED HUGE.

I COULDN'T RESIST SWINGING BY

MY LOCAL MOVIE THEATRE 3

AFTERNOON TO BURN

UNEMPLOYABLES.

HOW STONED ARE YOU NOW?

BARELY.

>> LOOK AT YOU GUYS, WHAT ARE

YOU IN DAY CAMP.

SIR, I LOVED YOU IN THE

EXPENDABLES.

[LAUGHTER].

I CAN'T REMEMBER.

SAW AN AD THEY WILL HAVE THE

FIGHT OF THEIR LIFE AGAINST

WHAT, PROSTATE CANCER.

YOU ARE IN BETTER SHAPE THAN

THE OLD GUYS.

[LAUGHTER] HOW MANY PEOPLE ARE

GOING BACK TO SCHOOL SOON?

[APPLAUSE] PENN STATE

UNIVERSITY WAS NAMED THE

SEVENTH BIGGEST PARTY SCHOOL IN

THE NATION.

WHICH BEGS THE QUESTION, WHAT

KIND MUCH CRAZY -- GOES ON IN

THE SCHOOLS

>> THANK YOU.

MY LIFE I WAS AN OUTSIDE ARE

LOOKING IN.

THIS WEEK'S PUBLIC ENEMIES ARE

THE WORST SOUL CRUSH BEING GATE

KEEPERS OUT THERE.

BOUNCERS.

>> BOUNCERS HAVE BEEN

TORTURING ME MY ENTIRE LIFE.

IT IS TIME FOR PAY BACK.

BOUNCER BEWARE!

>> HOLY MACKEREL YOU LOOK

FANTASTIC.

>> THANK YOU.

>> I'M ROASTING BOUNCERS.

SPEAKING OF BOUNCERS LOOK AT

THESE BOUNCERS RIGHT HERE.

>> LET US IN.

COME ON LET US IN.

LET US IN.

HOW DOES YOUR BOYFRIEND FEEL

LIKE INJECTING YOU WITH

STEROIDS

>> LOOK AT YOU -- THAT'S YOUR

BEER?

OH , MY GOD.

REMINDS ME WHEN I HAD SEX WITH

BETTY WHITE ONE TIME.

FIGHTING WHILE YOU REBUILD A

MOTORCYCLE?

[LAUGHTER].

>> YOU ARE SCARY.

HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU RIPPED

YOUR OWN DICK OFF MASTER

MASTURBATING?

YOU LET PEOPLE IN THE BACKYARD

A LOT?

>> DON'T RUN AWAY.

>> I AIN'T RUNNING AWAY IS

THAT MICROPHONE REAL?

TALK INTO IT PRETEND IT IS A

PEN

PENIS.

I'M CLEAN.

YOU ARE WATCHING THE BURN ONLY

ON COMEDY CENTRAL.

SEE, THERE IS YOUR PROMO PIECE.

THAT WAS A HOMO PIECE.

>>

>> JIM NORTON, BOBBY LEE... I

LOVE IT.

YOU GUISE LOOK GREAT.

>> YOU HAVE A BEAUTIFUL SET.

>> THANK YOU.

>> LIKE WE ARE SHOOTING THE

MOVIE, SAW.

>> [LAUGHTER].

>> COMEDY CENTRAL'S BASEMENT

HERE.

[LAUGHTER].

BOBBY LEE I WANT TO THANK YOUR

MOM ANGELINA JOLIE FOR LETTING

YOU COME OUT HERE.

[LAUGHTER].

>> I HAVE JAUNDICED.

[LAUGHTER] YOU FEEL BAD WHEN

YOU BROKE UP THE BEETLES?

[LAUGHTER].

SORRY.

JEFF, I'M HAPPY TO HERE AND I

THINK YOU LOOK GOOD AND PRETTY

WITH YOUR LONG HAIR.

>> THANK YOU.

YOU LOOK LIKE A 40 YEAR OLD

HONEY BO-BO.

[LAUGHTER].

THANK YOU.

HONEY BO-BO.

YOU LOOK LIKE MR. ROPER IN AN

ALSHARPTON WIG.

[LAUGHTER].

>> THANK YOU.

>> WHEN YOU GET THAT HAIRCUT

DO YOU HAVE TO GET THE TATTOO

ON THERE?

>> WHEN IS THERE TO TALK BCHL

WOMEN ARE ADMITTING THEY ARE

HAS HORNY AS DUDES.

>> 50 SHADES OF GRAY AND BARNS

AND NOBLE ARE STAYING OUT OF

CHAPT ARE 11.

DO YOU MASTURBATE TO 50 SHADES

OF GRAY?

I'LL ADMIT I USED BOOK THE

ACTUAL BOOK I STOOD ON IT.

[LAUGHTER].

>> THE NAMES IN THESE THINGSAN

STASHIA MEETS WITH CHRISTIAN

THAT IS NOT MALE PORN.

IT IS LIKE LOOK AT MS. TITS

WITH THE LEUKEMIA BROTHERS.

[LAUGHTER] I LOVE IN THE BOOK

THEY MET FOR COFFEE TO TALK IT

OFFER.

PORN THE COFFEE IS USED

ENEMA.

[LAUGHTER].

I WANTED YOU TO SPEAK ON THIS

TOPIC OF WOMEN'S EROTICA

BECAUSE I KNOW YOU ARE A FREAK.

>> I'M A PIECE OF GARBAGE, YEA.

YOU DON'T ARE THEED PORN YOU

WATCH.

>> WHAT DO YOU WANT TO READ

ABOUT T. WHY IS SHE BLOWING THE

5 SOCCER PLAYERS?

[LAUGHTER].

NO.

I DON'T.

BOBBY LEE YOU MASTURBATE A LOT,

DON'T YOU?

YEA, HOW DID YOU KNOW.

I MASTURBATE A LOT I DIDN'T FOR

3 WEEK WHEN IS I DID IT YOU

KNOW WHAT CAME OUT?

AN MARSHMELLOW.

IT HURT SO BAD MY BEDROOMED

LIKE GHOST BUSTERS.

DRIPPING FROM THE CEILING!

[LAUGHTER].

AM I WILL OENT GUY HERE WITH AN

ERECTION?

[LAUGHTER] MY GOSH.

I LOVE YOU, BOBBY.

YOU OFFER A DIFFERENT SLANT.

[LAUGHTER].

WHAT IS NEXT, TED.

FACE BOOK STOCK IS WORTH HALF

OF WHAT IT USED TO BE PEOPLE

ARE CALLING FOR MARK

ZUKERBERG'S HEAD.

HE HAS BEEN UNFRIENDED FOR 8

BILLION DOLLARS.

HE IS A BILLIONAIRE AND HAS AN

ASIAN WIFE YOU CAN BUY ONE ON

THE INTERNET.

I HAVE THEE AT HOME.

1 COOKS WHAT CLEANS AND ONE IS

DEAD THEY ARE LAKE GOLDFISH.

[LAUGHTER].

I DON'T THINK WE SHOULD MAKE

FUN OF MARK HE LOOKS LIKE

SCREECH WITH DOWNS SYNDROME.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO TAKE SECRET

PHOTOS OF YOUR FRIEND'S

DAUGHTERS ANYMORE.

[LAUGHTER]

>> YOU GUYS ARE SO FILTHY HOW

CAN I FOLLOW UP WITH MY FRIENDS

MAKE ME FEEL GUILTY FOR NOT

TAGGING MY PHOTO.

I WAS AT THE PARTY WITH YOU

HAVING A CONVERSATION.

DOESN'T WORK.

>> I KNOW I'M TRYING --

[APPLAUSE].

>> ALL RIGHT!

WELL... YOU MADE IT.

>> HOW ARE YOU DOING, BUDDY.

ANSWER GOOD.

>> THANK YOU FOR DOING THIS.

WOW YOU BROUGHT SAUL.

THEY HAVE WAITERS HERE YOU

DIDN'T HAVE TO BRING SAUL.

>> IT IS.

HAVE A SEAT, JEFF.

TRY A COUPLE OF ANGLES HERE.

OH , NO YOU DON'T WANT YOUR

FACE IN THIS.

DON'T WANT YOUR FACE IN THIS.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH IT.

YOU LOOK LIKE FRAN LEBO PUT ON

80 POUNDS.

[LAUGHTER].

DO YOU HAVE A MIRROR IN YOUR

HOUSE?

LAST YEAR DAVE HOSTED; RIGHT .

GET SOMEBODY WITH A SMALL ARE

DICK?

[LAUGHTER].

CAN'T WAIT FOR YOUR OPENING

MONOLOGUE.

>> THANK YOU.

FIRST HOST TO GET THE WALK OFF

MUSIC.

[LAUGHTER].

YOU ARE ON THE FON, LADY WHAT

DO YOU WANT FROM US?

COME ON, JIMMIE.

DID THAT RASH CLEAR UP.

THIS IS JIMMIE KIMMEL, ANYWAY

INCOME TIME I'M OUT THERE I

WILL GLADLY PUT MY FINGER IN

YOUR --

>> THAT IS JIMMIE KIMMEL FOR

YOU.

[LAUGHTER].

>> CONGRATULATIONS ON GETTING

ENGAGED.

YOU DIDN'T BRING YOUR FIANCE'S

BUT YOU BROUGHT YOUR -- THAT IS

GREAT.

[LAUGHTER].

TAKE IT BACK.

TAKE IT BACK.

STOP!

SERIOUSLY.

>> I TAKE IT BACK!

>> TAKE IT BACK!

>> DON'T STOP OR I WILL SQUIRT

LEMON IN HIS EYE.

[LAUGHTER].

>> OKAY.

>> THANK YOU ALL FOR BEING

GOOD PALS.

SUPPORTING ME AND -- I KNOW

UNCLE FRANK SUP THERE NOW IN

HEAVEN LOOKING DOWN ON EARTH

AND WATCHING JAY

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