RIGHT AT THIS MOMENT,I'M DRIVING INTO AREA 51,

ONE OF THE WORLD'S MOSTSECRETIVE MILITARY BASES.

RIGHT HERE'S GOOD, GUYS.

THANKS A LOT, TOM.SEE YOU, DERRICK.

CONSPIRACY THEORISTSHAVE LONG CLAIMED

THAT AREA 51's MAIN PURPOSE

IS TO HOUSEEXTRATERRESTRIAL LIFE-FORMS,

BUT ONE FORMERGOVERNMENT OFFICIAL

HAS RECENTLY COME FORWARD

WITH AREA 51'sBIGGEST SECRET.

- I WAS A GOVERNMENT SCIENTISTAT AREA 51,

INVOLVED INTOP-SECRET OPERATIONS.

MOST OF THIS INFORMATIONHAS BEEN DECLASSIFIED NOW,

BUT MOST PEOPLE ARE UNAWAREOF AN EVEN MORE SECRET LOCATION

WITHIN AREA 51,

WHICH WAS CALLED AREA 54.

- WHAT WAS AREA 54?

- [laughs]

- ♪ I'VE BEENFLYING THROUGH SPACE ♪

♪ MAKE IT RAIN ON MY FACE

- THE IDEA THAT WE WERE ONA TOP-SECRET MILITARY BASE

COMBINED WITH THE FACTTHAT THERE WAS AN EVEN MORE

TOP-SECRET DISCOTHEQUE

WITHIN THE TOP-SECRETMILITARY BASE,

WELL, IT ATTRACTEDA LOT OF ATTENTION.

CELEBRITIES WANTED INIMMEDIATELY.

THE TRICKY PART WASGETTING THEM THROUGH CLEARANCE.

IN THE END, WE COMMISSIONEDMOST OF THEM AS OFFICERS.

[disco music]

♪

- SO THIS IS THE HALLWAYTHAT LED TO AREA 54?

- YES, IT WAS, UH,RIGHT HERE ON THE LEFT.

KEPT THE SIGNAND THE VELVET ROPES.

- UH-HUH.

- BUT NOW IT'S JUSTA [bleep] IRISH PUB.

- TIMES HAVE CHANGED, HUH?

- TELL ME ABOUT IT.- YEAH.

12 YEARS AGO,MILITARY ARCHEOLOGISTS

UNCOVERED A RELICWHICH BORE HIEROGLYPHICS

TELLING THE STORYOF WHERE IT CAME FROM.

IT ALSO HADOTHER MARKINGS ON IT,

WHICH TRISH HAS DETERMINEDTO BE A GALACTIC MAP.

- IS THAT TRISH?- MM-HMM.

- THE HIEROGLYPHICSTELL US THAT THE RELIC ITSELF

IS A STAR DOOR,A PORTAL TO ANOTHER GALAXY.

- ALL RIGHT, WAIT.

IS THERE REALLY SUCH A THINGAS STAR DOORS?

- IS THERE REALLYSUCH A THING AS STAR DOORS?

- OH, MY GOD.

A VAN-SHAPED STAR DOOR.

- WE HAVE SPENT THE LAST12 YEARS TRYING TO ACTIVATE IT,

AND THE WRITING ON IT TELLS USYOUR VAN MAY BE THE KEY.

- IT SEEMS IMPOSSIBLE.

I--I JUST...

[alarm sounds]

- JACKSON!TEAM "A"!

- HAS THIS HAPPENED BEFORE?

- NO, I DON'T KNOWWHAT'S HAPPENING.

[electricity crackles]

- THE VAN IS ALIGNING ITSELFWITH THE STAR DOOR.

- IT'S IDENTIFYINGTHE COORDINATES

ON THE OTHER SIDEOF THE STAR DOOR.

SOMEWHERE INTHE KEENAN SYSTEM.

- IS THE STAR DOOR ACTIVATED?

- IT IS, COLONEL.

- SEND IN THE VAN!

- WE'RE GOING THROUGH!

- SOMETHING'S HAPPENING,RIGHT?

- SOMETHING'S DEFINITELY--

- TURN THAT FAN OFF!

GET IN THE VAN.

- WHAT?

- GET IN.YOU'RE DRIVING.

- I--I CAN'T.I'M DOING A SHOW.

DAVE, TELL 'EM.

- NO, NO,YOU SHOULD DEFINITELY GO.

- WHA--I DON'T--NO.

I'LL--I'LL PROBABLY JUSTCOME BACK--

I DON'T WANT TO GOTHROUGH A STAR DOOR.

- MR. BENJAMIN,

THERE'S NO WAYTO DETERMINE WHAT TO EXPECT

WHEN YOU GET TO THE OTHER SIDEOF THE STAR DOOR,

BUT I CAN TELL YOU THIS.

THE JOURNEYYOU'RE ABOUT TO EMBARK ON

WILL BE REMEMBERED AS THE SINGLEMOST IMPORTANT EVENT

IN HUMAN HISTORY.

GOOD LUCK.

- AH, GOD.

WHAT HAPPENED?

[both groan]

COLONEL?

COLONEL?

OH, MY GOD.

YOU GUYS ALL RIGHT?

[bleep]

[electricity crackles]

- [speaking alien language]

- I CAN'T UNDERSTAND.

YEAH, I KNOW.THAT LOOKS BAD.

I CAME THROUGH THE STAR DOOR.I DIDN'T SEE.

I HAD NO IDEA.GUYS, RIGHT?

I--I'M SORRY.I--

WELL, I DIDN'T KNOWIT WAS GONNA BE A ROAD.

OH, GREAT.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT HE'S SAYING,BUT I DON'T--

LET ME EXPLAIN.

I CAME THROUGHTHE STAR DOOR FROM EARTH,

SO IT'S, LIKE, A MILLIONLIGHT-YEARS FROM HERE, RIGHT?

- [speaks alien language]

- WHY WOULD YOU BUILD A ROADIN FRONT OF A STAR DOOR, RIGHT?

CAN'T BELIEVE THIS.

- THIS IS BORING.

- I'M SORRY.

- [speaks alien language]

- I CAN'T UNDERS--

NO. NO.

- SEE, YOU CANUNDERSTAND ME NOW, RIGHT?

YOU TAKE ONE OF THESE PILLS,AND I CAN UNDERSTAND YOU.

NOW TAKE A PILL.

- OH. OKAY.

- GOT A LITTLE MINTTO 'EM, TOO.

YOU DON'T MIND THAT,DO YA?

[all speakingalien language]

OKAY. ALL RIGHT.YOU CAN HEAR?

YOU GUYS OKAY?YOU GOOD?

OKAY.I'M MOSHAM.

I'M HERE TO HELP YOU GUYS.

I'M GONNA BE YOUR COUNSEL

IN THE CASEOF THE STAR DOOR ACCIDENT.

SO I NEED TO KNOWWHO WAS DRIVING THE CAR.

OKAY. WELL THEN, YOU TWO GUYSCAN GET OUT OF HERE.

FOR CENTURIES,BALD MEN HAVE BEEN USING WIGS

TO DISGUISE THEIR HAIR LOSS.

MOST OF THE TIME,THEY WEREN'T FOOLING ANYBODY.

BUT ROY ALLSTONOF ROY ALLSTON'S HAIR SUPPLY

THINKS HE CAN CHANGE ALL THAT.

- YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT,JON.

YOU WEAR ONE OF MY HAIRPIECESON THE STREET,

NO ONE'S GONNA KNOWTHAT HAIR'S NOT REAL.

- WOW.THAT'S AMAZING.

WHERE WE HEADED?

SO YOU OFFER MOREREALISTIC-LOOKING TOUPEES?

- EXACTLY.

- I MEAN, BUT HONESTLY,

WHO--WHO'S GONNA WEARONE OF THOSE?

NO OFFENSE, BUT...THEY'RE SORT OF SILLY LOOKING.

- YOU'LL GET THE OPPORTUNITYTO LOOK A LITTLE BIT BETTER.

YOU WILL FEELA LITTLE BIT BETTER.

- SO YOU LOOKA LITTLE BIT BETTER.

- WITH MY TOUPEES,YOU WILL LOOK MORE REALISTIC,

BECAUSE IT'SA LITTLE BIT BETTER.

SO, GEORGE,HOW CAN WE HELP YOU?

- WELL, I--I USED TO HAVE MOREHAIR UP ON TOP GOING ACROSS,

AND AROUNDTHE BACK AND SIDES TOO.

WAIT TILL MY WIFEGETS A LOAD OF THIS.

I MIGHT STOP OFFAT THE BAR, THOUGH.

SEE IF I CANPICK UP SOME GIRLS.

- LOOKS PRETTY GOOD.

I--I'M SEEING MEFIVE YEARS AGO.

LIKE A FOUNTAIN OF YOUTH.

I FEEL LIKE NICOLAS CAGE.

- WHEN YOU GO INTO THE SHOWER,YOU HAVE TO TAKE IT OFF.

IT'LL COME OFF BY ITSELF,END UP DOWN THE DRAIN.

JON, LET ME LET YOU INON A LITTLE SECRET.

I WEAR A HAIRPIECE.

- OH,SO YOU'RE COMPLETELY BALD.

I FIGURED.I THOUGHT THAT WAS--

- WELL, NOT EXACTLY.

[ominous music]

[plastic stretching]

- ROY, YOU'RE--YOU'RE NOT BALD AT ALL.

- NO.I'M NOT BALD.

MY NATURAL HAIR IS SO PERFECT

THAT PEOPLE THINKIT'S A HAIRPIECE,

SO I HAVE TO COVER IT.

- WELL, WE BONDEDOVER BEING BALD.

I--

- YEAH.BUT I'M NOT BALD.

I THINK THAT IF I WAS BALD,I'D KILL MYSELF.

- WELL, THAT'S NOT NICE.