Sex Tips

  • Season 1, Ep 10
  • 07/02/2013

Amy wakes up in bed with two guys, searches for the perfect sex tip and competes on a reality show.

Well, thatwas fun.

Amy, you all right?

I don't know.

What's up?

I think I just thoughtthat I would be more

like the focal point?

Huh.

Were you notthe focal point?

No, no,definitely not.

Like, I just-- it nevereven occurred to me

that you would bepenetrating Phil.

Did I do that?

Are you sure?Yes, yes.

I thought you feltcomfortable with Phil.

I do.

I usually do.

Phil...

Look, you've beenour pharmacist,

how long, threeyears, okay?

We move closerto another CVS.

I said, "Let'sstick with Phil,"

didn't I, okay?

She did.

Maybe I'm being oversensitive but God,

I don't think so,I don't think so.

What's theproblem, Amy?

I had an orgasm,

probably the biggest oneI've ever had in my life.

You Phil?

I didn't.

I didn't evencome close.

Nobody touched me.

I went to the bathroomat one point.

You guys didn'teven realize...

No, it's toolate, Phil.

I just wish youhadn't been yelling,

"This feelsso right."

Okay, how do you know Iwasn't talking about you?

This feels so right with you , Phil!

Phil, Phil, Phil!

I'm penetrating Phil!

Dylan, great job on the

"30 Ways to Know You're 20Pounds Overweight" article.

I heard most girls werecrying by number seven.

All right, nextorder of shizz,

We're still 80 tipsaway from being done

with 500 hottestsex tips.

Start pitching.

What if, while you're going downon him you take a feather

and you gently tickle thespace behind his balls?

Hunter, it's sex tipsto drive him wild,

not drive him mild.

(laughing)

That's hilarious, did youguys hear what I said?

(all laughing)

Okay, write that down.

Actually, just putit right on the blog.

I don't want peopleto have to wait for that.

Okay, Lenore, go.

So you dress likea Boy Scout

but only from thebottom down

and then you sit onhis knee and queef.

Interesting,I like it... more.

Take a five-hourenergy

and pour it insideyour vagina

right before youhave sex.

Where's your office?

I'm moving itcloser to mine.

Spin me around.

What if you takea pumice stone

and you hold it over an openflame for like an hour

and then yougently grate it

up and downhis shaft?

Wow, love it.

Okay, guys, we need75 more and don't be lazy.

So far, the pumicestone's my favorite.

You put his penisin a glory hole.

You begin to stroke it.

You take amouthful of cum

from his threebest friends

and then you shoot it in hisface until he explodes?

Hmm...

What about asawed-off shotgun?

You could take it andrub it up and down his neck

till he'ssuper hard.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Bridgett.

You look likea sad emoticon.

Give me something.

Okay, okay,how 'bout this.

You fall in lovewith a stockbroker,

you know because itreally seems like

he wants toget married.

And then you'retogether at the

Chipotle and his friendsfrom work show up,

and he pretends likeyou're bussin' the table.

So what do you do?

You pick up his basket,you clear his table.

You wipe itand you say,

"Can I get youanything else?"

And you knowwhat he says?

He says, "Yeah, could youfreshen our drinks?"

So you fresheneverybody's drinks.

And you go backinto the kitchen.

You take somebody'scard, you clock out,

you go home and thenwhat do you do?

You pour yourselfa bottle of Chardonnay

and you siton the toilet

and then you start playing WordsWith Friends with Lenore.

And then you justgo and you get into bed...

And then he explodes.

What's happeningover here?

What's happeningin this section?

Bridgett is goingthrough a breakup.

You don't know whatI'm going through.

Okay, she's aticking time bomb.

Somebody topher off.

I'm not hearingsex tips.

What, are wehanging out--

are you guysmy friends?

No.

So you wait till hefinds out his dad's

been diagnosedwith prostate cancer.

Then, while he's crying,you put one finger--

two fingers uphis butt...

until he explodes?

I have one.

Make eye contact?

You're a cunt,fan me.

How' bout, go toTrader Joe's,

and buy an Amy'sfrozen Indian dinner

Then smear it allover his genitals

in slow circlesclockwise...

and then counterclockwise.

I tried that...

and it works.

Okay.

You're fired.

That eye contact thingwas ridic-- get out.

Guys, this article isgonna cause a baby boom.

We're doingGod's work.

♪♪

2,000 men are suing "Glamo"Magazine for emotional damages

claiming their sex tips

are at least partiallyresponsible for the fact

that they were bizarrelyraped by their girlfriends.

( anchorman )We spoke to oneof the plaintiffs.

I came here today becauseI don't want anyone

to ever have to gothrough what I went through.

I bet you guys didn'tknow that you can, uh,

fit a Hanukkah candlein your pee-hole.

Well, guess what "Glamo"Magazine, you can't.

Now I have topiss in a bag.

The dating game showwhere two sexual women

guess how theirrelationship

with three eligiblebachelors might end.

Let's meet ourcontestants.

Amy, tell us a littlebit about yourself.

Okay, um,well, I'm a--

I'm 31 years old.

I'm from Columbus, Ohio.

And I enjoy repeatingthe same mistakes

over and over againand never growing.

Fun.

Larissa, I understandyou're from Indiana?

That's right andromantically, I do have a type

and that's anyone whoreminds me of my dad.

Ho-ho, Papa,can you hear me?

(laughing)

Okay, let's play.

Here's our firstbachelor.

Hi, my name's Brent.

I'm an accountantfrom Atlanta.

So Amy, how do you see thisrelationship ending?

Okay, uh, we'll go onthree terrible dates

and, uh, he'll make me orderappetizers as entrees

and even though I'm mildlydisgusted by him

it'll bother me that I neverhear from him again.

I could believe that.

Larissa.

Uh, I think we'd probably goout for about two months.

And then I would discover thathe writes movie reviews

for a whitesupremacist website.

Let's see whatBrent has to say.

My favorite moviewas "Lincoln."

I thoughtDaniel Day-Lewis

was incredible asthat war criminal.

Perfect ending.

Larissa, you'reon the board.Whoo!

Let's meet ournext bachelor.

Hey, my name is Ryan.

I'm from the Bronx andI work at Fill-a-Bear.

A lot of people mishearthat as Build-a-Bear.

But Fill-a-Bearis different.

See I empty outold Teddy Bears

and then I sell thecarcasses to Build-a-Bear.

Larissa.

Well, first of all, I willfall in love with Brent

because he lookslike my dad,

uh, which willcause me to turn

into a hoarderlike my mother...

Ten seconds Larissa.

Oh, uh, and then, uh, we'llhave a huge fight one day

when he throws outone of my treasures,

an umbrella thatsays Advil on it

and then he walks outof my life forever

and I call my dad...

(buzzer)

Amy.

Okay, after datingfor about six months

I accidentallyget pregnant

and even though we're notreally together anymore

he won't let meget an abortion?

(bell dinging)

Good answer.

Well, let's see whatRyan has to say.

I would never paychild support.

But I'm stronglypro-life.

Don't argue with me

'cause I'm not smart enoughto defend my position.

Yankees rule.

Amy, you nailed it.

Nice.

Let's check out ourfinal bachelor.

I work at theApple Genius Bar.

Amy, how do yousee this ending?

Okay, um, I think I'vegot this one, Tom.

We'll date forabout eight months

and then I'll opena folder on his desktop

labeledfootball stuff

and find 400 photosof Daniel Radcliffe.

(bell dinging)

Amy, I'm gonna stopyou right there.

You're absolutely right.

Yes, yes, yes.

It's happened a lot.

I'm gay.

Congratulations,Amy, you win.

Nice!

Join us next week for anotherepisode of "How..."

Hey, dad, it's me.

Well, I lost just likeyou said I would.

Yeah, I can callyou back later.

The two remainingbachelorettes

prepare for theirfinal date with Ben.

I just really wish wedidn't have to go on

this last dateas a threesome.

There's enoughof him to go around.

I just don't like toshare Ben with anyone.

When I justsaid that,

I mean, I'm talkingabout... his dick.

Oh.

I was like, so it's...uh-ya-ya-ya-ya, ding.

(groaning) ding!

Like, corn, like eatingcorn and a typewriter.

You guys slepttogether already?

No, no.

I mean, yeah,like what do

you considersleeping together?

It's like, youknow, who cares?

I mean, isn't thatwhat this show is,

like, what--

♪♪

I just want to start off ourlast night with a toast

to the twomost beautiful...

You know what,

I'm like not in achampagne mood,

I'm sorry.

Like, can I just geta cranberry vodka?

I'm like more than flirtingwith a yeast right now.

Like when I pee it'slike somebody's

blowing glassdown there.

Thank you, cool.

Coolio, you'rethe best.

Okay, go,yeah-yeah-yeah,

this is about you,not us--

To the two mostbeautiful

classy women.

I'm so thankful

I've had the chance to go onthis journey with you both.

So cheers.

Cheers.

Cheers, queers.

(shattering)

Sorry, sorry-sorry-sorry-sorry,

like, not totallymy fault.

I'm sorry...

they're like...

Whoa... so...

But seriously, can I justget one more of those,

like, but like, vodka.

We're all adults so.

Tonight, I have an incrediblyhard decision to make

about who I want to escortinto the Love Tub, so...

Like, whenis it lice?

Like leg-wise.

Oh, Amy, you have...

an amazing spirit.

I'd never evenheard of the game

leaky submarineuntil I met you.

Hmm...

What's leakysubmarine?

He plugs allmy holes.

I thought I'dask you both

about your dreamsfor the future.

My dream forthe future is

right now if somebody bringsus curly fries, right?

It's like,that'd be good,

just soak upall the booze.

We're just like drinkingand it's like,

ugh, perfect storm.

Tiffany, if I ask you tojoin me in the Love Tub

would you be willingto move to Utah

to start ourlives together?

Yes, I grew uparound horses.

When I ride I feellike I'm flying.

Amy...

Moving on.

Tiffany, what do youthink is the secret

to a lastingrelationship?

My parents have beenmarried for over 40 years

and they taught me thatthe key ingredients

are trustand respect.

That's sobeautiful.

What do youthink Amy?

Okay well I think I'm--

maybe I may have told youthis at one point, but...

I dated this guyRicky for like...

five months, okay?

Real piece of shit.

He was like my dealer

and then he wasn'tand then he was.

La, la, la.

He made out withmy sister...

She's a slut.

She would be likeamazing on this show.

If they're doingthe next one.

♪♪

(Exhaling)

Tiffany, Amy, I've never hadto make a harder choice.

You are both--

I'm sorry.

Do we actuallyorder curly fries

or where do westand with that

whole situationright now?

Whoo.

Okay, they havethe fries.

They're just not bringing 'embecause we're filming.

Like, no onecares, it's fine.

Like, it's fine,it's fine?

It's fine.

I've mademy decision.

♪♪

Tiffany...

would you please joinme in the Love Tub?

Yes.

Yeah.

(laughing)

Congratulations.

♪♪

Are we going tosee Ben right now?

(man)No, Ben's in the LoveTub with Tiffany.

He chose her.

Yeah right,he chose her.

He would never chooseher, she's a--

She's a bitch.

She's dumb.

She looks like--one time, this lady,

I was like, eww, oh,Tiffany, you're so... ew.

Can somebodyhold my hair?

Okay, guys, I'm--

I know I said somebad things about you

but pleasehold my hair.

(retching)

( Amy )I'm okay.

You guys were amazing.

I'm so proud to be bringingup the final act.

She's my good friend and we areon the road now together.

We get totravel together.

You know who she is.

She is incredible.

My friend, my hero,Bridget Everett.

I know a lot of youlook up here.

You say there's a woman that'sreally got her shit together.

I get it, you know.

Great tits, nice trim ankles,voice of an angel.

But if I'm beinghonest, you know,

I got some problems.

There was a time when I wentthrough what I'd like to call

a transitionalphase, you know?

Back in the '80s,my nipples came in.

Not my titties,but my nipples.

My brothers wentaround school

and they got everybody tocall me little nippy-titty,

little nippy-titty,little nippy-titty,

little nippy-titty.

My mom said,"What's wrong?"

I said, "Nothing."

And then she satdown next to me.

She put her hand downthe back of my pants,

not in afucked-up way

but just 'cause I got realsoft skin, you know?

She said,"What's wrong?"

I said, "Well, Brock and Briangot everybody at school

calling melittle nippy-titty.

You know whatshe said?

You wanna knowwhat she said?

♪ Ooh, don't you cry

And she said,"Come with me.

Let's have a drink."

Hit the track.

♪♪

She said Bridget...

(cheering)

She said Bridget,you're a woman now.

You gotta standtall and be proud

of what yourmama gave you.

Do you hear me?

♪ You got themlittle nippy titties ♪

♪ Put 'em in the air

♪ She got them tubesock titties ♪

♪ She put'em in the air ♪

♪ I got these beavertail titties ♪

♪ I put 'emin the air ♪

♪ Put 'em up, put'em up, put 'em up ♪

♪ You got themlow riding titties ♪

♪ Put 'emin the air ♪

♪ You got them crackerjack titties ♪

♪ Put 'emin the air ♪

♪ You got them rubberduckie titties ♪

♪ Put 'em in the air

♪ Put 'em up, put 'em up,put 'em up ♪

♪ You got them fuck melittle titties, yeah ♪

♪ Put 'emin the air ♪

♪ You got them meatballtitties, ow ♪

♪ Put 'em in the air

♪ You got them healthinsurance titties ♪

♪ Put 'em in the air

♪ Put 'em up, put 'em up,put 'em up ♪

♪ And then we bounce,bounce, bounce ♪

♪ We bounce,bounce, bounce ♪

♪ We bounce, bounce,bounce ♪

♪ You bounce,bounce, bounce ♪

♪ You got themslingshot titties ♪

♪ Put 'em in the air

♪ You got thembig mama titties ♪

♪ Put 'emin the air ♪

♪ You got them slip'n'slidetitties, ow ♪

♪ Put 'emin the air ♪

♪ Put 'em up, put 'em up,put 'em up ♪

♪ You got them uglysweater titties ♪

♪ Put 'em in the air

♪ You got them mama'sgirl titties ♪

♪ Put 'emin the air ♪

♪ You got them Nurse Jackietitties-- I don't know ♪

♪ Put 'em in the air

♪ Put 'em up, put 'em up,put 'em up ♪

♪ And then we bounce,bounce, bounce ♪

♪ We bounce,bounce, bounce ♪

♪ We bounce, bounce,bounce ♪

♪ We bounce,bounce, bounce ♪

♪ You got them triplebrand peach pit ♪

♪ Jersey girl titties

♪ Wolfman Jack, caveman,lumberjack titties ♪

♪ Pussy eatin', fire hose,slipshot, titties ♪

♪ Put 'em up, put 'em up,put 'em up ♪

♪ And then we ♪

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