Owen Smith, Kareem Green & Capone

  • Season 2, Ep 1
  • 01/26/2012

Owen Smith thinks marriage should have a two-year contract, Kareem Green doesn't want to live with a white woman, and Capone shows why women need protection at the club.

I'M SORRY, MAN--NO DISRESPECT TO NYC.

I AM FROM NYC--THIS IS MY STUFF RIGHT HERE.

THIS IS MY THING RIGHTHERE-- NYC IS MY THING.

SO, RIGHT NOW,I'M IN-I'M IN CALI RIGHT NOW.

I'M TRYIN' TODO IT IN CALI.

CAN'T WATCH TV IN CALI--CAN'T WATCH TV.

EVERY TIME YOU GETEN-ENGAGED IN A GOOD TV SHOW,

THEY INTERRUPT THE GODDAMNTV FOR A DAMN CAR CHASE,

AND THEN, THAT'S NEWS--THAT AIN'T NO DAMN NEWS.

I DON'T MIND THEIRASS INTERRUPTIN',

YOU KNOW,SOMETHIN' TERRIBLE.

BUT DAMN IT-- IF YOU'REGONNA INTERRUPT A TV SHOW,

SOMETHIN' I'M WATCHIN'--LET IT BE SOMEBODY

THAT CANNOT CATCH A MASTERSPECIMEN OF A GODDAMN MAN,

A MONSTER--A RUNNIN' MONSTER!

LIKE IT'S, "AGH!

[laughter]

"AGH!"

LIKE, "BABY, LOOK--BABY, LOOK!

"LOOK AT THIS RUNNIN'MOTHER FUCKER!

"AH!

"RUN YOUR ASS OFF--RUN YOUR ASS OFF!

"LOOK AT THISFOOL RUN!"

"AGH!"

HE LEAVIN' FOOTPRINTSIN THE DAMN CONCRETE.

[laughter]

HE'S FUCKIN'THAT SIDEWALK UP!

"BABY, LOOK ATTHIS BASTARD!"

[laughter]

YO, "RUCKUS"HAS BEEN BIRTHED.

LET'S BIRTH "THE RUCKUS."

THIS IS HOW"THE RUCKUS" WAS BORN.

[laughter]

I'M A-I'M A GUYTHAT THINKS FORWARD.

SO, YOU'RE ALAUNCH PAD, RIGHT?

I'M A MISSILE WITH AWARHEAD ON IT, RIGHT?

YOU KNOWWHAT I MEAN?

I NEED TO BE A SUCCESSFULMOGUL LIKE YOURSELF.

BUT I NEED YOU TO-- YOU KNOWWHAT, LOOK-- HEAR ME OUT.

NO, NO, NO, NO.

- J.B., LISTEN--- HIBACHI GRILL!

RIGHT?

LITTLE ASIAN LADY UNDER THETABLE-- PEDICURE, RIGHT?

SO, SHE'S DOIN' YOUR FEET,A GUY IS ON THE GRILL

DOIN' YOURFOOD, RIGHT?

IT'S LIKE BENIHANA, BUT IT'SCALLED PEDIHANA, RIGHT?

"FOOD, FUN, AND FEET."

LIKE THAT IDEA?

- CAN I HAVE MY PHONE, J.B.?- NO!

GIVE ME ANANSWER RIGHT NOW!

- YES.- YOU'RE A LYIN' ASS, MAN.

YOU GONNA DO IT?- I GET IT-- YOU GOT IT.

PEDICURE.- YOU GONNA CALL ME?

- YES, I'LL CALL YOU.- HOW YOU GONNA CALL ME!

I GOT YOURDAMN PHONE!

NO PHONEFOR YOU!

NO PHONE FOR YOU 'TILYOU DO MY PEDIHANA!

PEDIHANA, BITCH!

- TIMONE-- TIMONE?

YEAH, DO ME A FAVOR-- GETSTEVE HARVEY ON THE PHONE.

- PEDIHANA-- WOO!

- YEAH, AND BLOWUP-BLOW UP MY PHONE.

THE OTHER PHONE,BLOW IT UP.

[explosion]

- AH-- OUCH!

WHY YOU GOIN'THROUGH THE BAD STUFF

YOU GOIN' THROUGHSOMETIMES,

'CAUSE OF ALL THE BADSTUFF YOU DID AS A SPERM.

'CAUSE TO BEAT OUTMILLIONS OF OTHER SPERM,

YOU HAD TO CHEAT.

I CALL IT "CUM KARMA."

YOU HAD TO BEA LITTLE SNEAKY.

SEE, LIKE, WHEN THE OTHER SPERMWERE SLEEPIN' IN THE NUTS,

YOU WAS TYIN' THEIRLITTLE TAILS IN KNOTS,

LIKE, "FUCK THIS SHIT.

[laughter]

"I'M 'BOUT TO WINTHIS RACE OF LIFE.

"I ONLY GOT ONE SHOT!"

YOU'S GIVIN' THE OTHERSPERM WRONG DIRECTION.

"I THINK IT'S THAT WAY.

[laughter]

"STOP FOLLLOWIN' ME!"

[laughter]

A LOT OF GUYSAIN'T MAKE IT.

THINK ABOUT IT.

A LOT OF GUYS,WHAT HAPPENED?

THEY GOT CAUGHTUP IN CONDOMS.

LIKE, "WHAT THE FU--

"EH-EH-EH-EH-EH...

"SOME SORT OF FORCEFIELD IS IN THE VAGINA!"

IT WAS WORSEFOR OTHER GUYS.

A LOT OF GUYSGOT SWALLOWED, MAN.

IT AIN'T EASY.

[laughter]

YEAH.

IMAGINE HOW THEY FELT.

THEY WAS TORE UP.

THEY CAME OUT LIKE, "YEAH,THIS IS WHAT I'M TALKIN' ABOUT--

"HOLD-HOLD-HOLD-HOLDON, FELLAS.

"SOMETHIN' AIN'T RIGHT--SOMETHIN' AIN'T RIGHT.

"SOMETHIN' AIN'T RIGHT.

"THIS AIN'T THE UTERUS.

"THIS AIN'T THE--WHAT IS THIS, PIZZA?

"GOTTA DIE ONA PEPPERONI!"

WHO HAD IT THE WORST?

THE GUYS WHO ENDEDUP IN THE REAR END.

YEAH, IMAGINEHOW THEY FELT.

LIKE, "THIS ISA REAL SHIT HOLE.

[laughter]

"NOW, THIS IS A CRAPPYSITUATION IF I EVER SAW IT!

"THIS IS BULLSHIT--NO, IT'S HUMAN SHIT!

"FUCK THIS SHIT--I'M OUTTA HERE!"

THANK Y'ALLVERY MUCH, MAN!