Owen Smith, Kareem Green & Capone

  • Season 2, Ep 1
  • 01/26/2012

Owen Smith thinks marriage should have a two-year contract, Kareem Green doesn't want to live with a white woman, and Capone shows why women need protection at the club.

I'M SORRY, MAN--NO DISRESPECT TO NYC.

I AM FROM NYC--THIS IS MY STUFF RIGHT HERE.

THIS IS MY THING RIGHTHERE-- NYC IS MY THING.

SO, RIGHT NOW,I'M IN-I'M IN CALI RIGHT NOW.

I'M TRYIN' TODO IT IN CALI.

CAN'T WATCH TV IN CALI--CAN'T WATCH TV.

EVERY TIME YOU GETEN-ENGAGED IN A GOOD TV SHOW,

THEY INTERRUPT THE GODDAMNTV FOR A DAMN CAR CHASE,

AND THEN, THAT'S NEWS--THAT AIN'T NO DAMN NEWS.

I DON'T MIND THEIRASS INTERRUPTIN',

YOU KNOW,SOMETHIN' TERRIBLE.

BUT DAMN IT-- IF YOU'REGONNA INTERRUPT A TV SHOW,

SOMETHIN' I'M WATCHIN'--LET IT BE SOMEBODY

THAT CANNOT CATCH A MASTERSPECIMEN OF A GODDAMN MAN,

A MONSTER--A RUNNIN' MONSTER!

LIKE IT'S, "AGH!

[laughter]

"AGH!"

LIKE, "BABY, LOOK--BABY, LOOK!

"LOOK AT THIS RUNNIN'MOTHER FUCKER!

"AH!

"RUN YOUR ASS OFF--RUN YOUR ASS OFF!

"LOOK AT THISFOOL RUN!"

"AGH!"

HE LEAVIN' FOOTPRINTSIN THE DAMN CONCRETE.

[laughter]

HE'S FUCKIN'THAT SIDEWALK UP!

"BABY, LOOK ATTHIS BASTARD!"

[laughter]

I'M HAPPY THEYCOULD GET MARRIED.

YEAH, UH, OKAY.

ALL RIGHT-- YEAH.

BUT, UH, HERE'SWHO I FEEL SORRY FOR

WITH THEWHOLE THING.

UH, I FEEL SORRYFOR THAT ONE GAY DUDE

WHO DIDN'T REALLYWANNA GET MARRIED.

[laughter]

YOU KNOW, WHEN IT WASILLEGAL, THAT WAS HIS THING.

HE WAS LIKE, "YO,I WANNA MARRY YOU,

"BUT THEYWON'T LET ME."

[laughter]

NOT ANYMORE, BABY.

CONGRATULATIONS.

YOU GET TO TAKE THAT WALKLIKE THE REST OF US, MAN.

JUST THE WORDS "I DO,"I DON'T LIKE IT, MAN.

"I DO,"THAT'S UNNATURAL.

DON'T NOBODY EVER SAYTHAT ANY OTHER TIME.

IT'S LIKE, "HEY, CAN IGET YOU ANOTHER DRINK?"

"I DO."

DON'T NOBODYTALK LIKE THAT.

THAT'S WHY, IF I EVER GETMARRIED, I AIN'T SAYIN',

"I DO."

I WANNA SAY,"I DO MY BEST."

[laughter]

I HOPE GAY MARRIAGES LASTLONGER THAN STRAIGHT MARRIAGES,

'CAUSE EVERY TIME I TURNAROUND, WE BREAKIN' UP,

YOU KNOW?

MY MOTHER TOLD ME A LONGTIME AGO, SHE SAID,

"TRUE LOVE LASTSFOR TWO YEARS."

[laughter]

I WAS LIKE,"GODDAMN!"

YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE ONLYLASTS FOR TWO YEARS?

CELL PHONE CONTRACTS.

WHAT IF THEY GOT IT RIGHT,YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

LIKE, I'VE LEFT TONS OFWOMEN, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN,

BUT I WILLNOT LEAVE SPRINT.

[laughter]

I BEEN WITH THEMOVER 15 YEARS,

WAITIN' ON THATDAMN IPHONE TO COME.

THEY TELL ME EVERY YEAR,"JUNE, DOG, JUNE."

I BE LIKE, "OKAY."

THAT'S HOW THEYSHOULD DO MARRIAGE.

IT SHOULD BE ATWO YEAR CONTRACT.

EVERYBODY COULD COMMIT TOSOMETHIN' FOR TWO YEARS, RIGHT?

AND I MEAN, IF YOU MAKE IT,YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN',

YOU WANNA GO ANOTHER TWO,YOU JUST RENEW THE CONTRACT.

YOU BE LIKE, "HEY, BABY, UH,YOU WANNA GO ANOTHER TWO?"

YOU SURE?

'CAUSE YOU TRIED TOSTAB ME LAST YEAR.

[laughter]

YOU KNOW WHAT'S RUININ'MARRIAGES, THE WEDDIN' VOWS.

THEY NEED TOREMIX 'EM, RIGHT?

LET'S JUST CUT TOTHE CHASE, RIGHT?

LET'S JUST SAYWHAT IT REALLY IS,

YOU KNOWWHAT I MEAN?

THEY SHOULD BE LIKE, UH,"Y'ALL LOVE EACH OTHER?"

"YEAH."

"OKAY, NOW-- ALLRIGHT, BROTHER, UH,

"DO YOU PROMISE NOT TOFUCK ANYBODY ELSE?"

[laughter]

"I DO MY BEST."

[laughter]

TO A PARTY, THOUGH,

IT'S A LITTLE DIFFERENTTHAN IT USED TO BE.

BACK INTHE DAYS,

WE USED TO GO OUT ANDTRY TO LOOK FOR GIRLS,

AND GIRLS USED TO TRYTO COME LOOK FOR US.

NOW, WE OLDER.

YOU GO WITHYOUR BABY.

YOU A COUPLE.

"COME ON--YOU READY, GIRL?"

YOU OUT THE DOOR--YOU JUST READY TO ROCK.

NOW, THERE'S RULESWHEN YOU A COUPLE!

YOU HOLDING YOUR GIRLS HAND,NO MATTER HOW BAD SHE IS.

YOU HAVE TORESPECT THAT.

A BROTHER WALKUP-- "OH, MY BAD.

"LOOKIN' GOOD, MONEY."

THAT'S IT--THAT'S RESPECT.

BUT THE NEW DUDES, THEYDIDN'T GET THOSE RULES.

THE NEW AFRICANS.

[laughter]

NO!

YOU COULD BE HOLDIN'YOUR GIRL HAND,

WALKIN' IN THE CLUB, HEWALKIN' RIGHT UP TO HER,

"HEY, LADY--HOW ARE YOU DOING!"

[laughter]

YOU BE LIKE, "MONEY, YOUDON'T SEE ME WITH HER?"

"MY BROTHER, I AMNOT TALKING TO YOU.

[laughter]

"IF I DON'T SAY NOTHIN' TOYOU, DON'T SAY NOTHING TO ME.

"MIND YOUR BUSINESS,MY BROTHER.

"NOW, LIKE I WASSAYING, HEY, LADY!

"HOW AREYOU DOING?"

NOW, YOU GOTTAPROTECT YOUR WOMAN.

"MONEY, YOU SAYSOMETHIN' ELSE TO HER

"AND I'M GONNABUST YOUR ASS."

"MY BROTHER, DO ILOOK SCARED OF YOU?

"IN MY COUNTRY, I FIGHTLIONS, TIGERS, AND BEARS.

"YOU OUGHT TO MINDYOUR BUSINESS."

THIS WORLD ISCOMIN' TO AN END.

SO, YOU LOVE SOMEBODY,LOVE 'EM FOR A LONG TIME.

IT'S THE TRUTH--THINGS ARE REAL SAD.

YOU GETTIN' OLDER-- YOU CAN'TDO THINGS LIKE YOU USED TO DO.

WHEN I WASYOUNG, I WAS 20,

I COULD MAKE LOVE TOA WOMAN FOR HOURS.

NOW, NO, SIR.

[laughter]

I GOT A GOOD 15-10 MINUTE,TWO HUMP MINIMUM, SOMETHIN'.

LITTLE THINGS HURT THAT YOUDON'T EVEN REALIZE HURT.

WHEN YOU YOUNG,YOU CAN MAKE LOVE,

YOUR FOOT CAN BEUNDER THE DRESSER.

YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW HOWIT GOT UNDER THE DRESSER.

YOU JUST LOOKIN'AT YOURSELF.

NOW YOU GET OLD, IT'S THELITTLE THINGS THAT HURT.

YOU EVER GOT YOUR TOECAUGHT IN THE SHEET?

SHE BE TALKIN', "GIVEIT TO ME, DADDY!"

"HOLD ON, BABY--MY TOE-MY-MY TOE.

"COME ON, BITCH, MYTOE IS IN THE SHEET!"

[laughter]

YO, "RUCKUS"HAS BEEN BIRTHED.

LET'S BIRTH "THE RUCKUS."

THIS IS HOW"THE RUCKUS" WAS BORN.

[laughter]

I'M A-I'M A GUYTHAT THINKS FORWARD.

SO, YOU'RE ALAUNCH PAD, RIGHT?

I'M A MISSILE WITH AWARHEAD ON IT, RIGHT?

YOU KNOWWHAT I MEAN?

I NEED TO BE A SUCCESSFULMOGUL LIKE YOURSELF.

BUT I NEED YOU TO-- YOU KNOWWHAT, LOOK-- HEAR ME OUT.

NO, NO, NO, NO.

- J.B., LISTEN--- HIBACHI GRILL!

RIGHT?

LITTLE ASIAN LADY UNDER THETABLE-- PEDICURE, RIGHT?

SO, SHE'S DOIN' YOUR FEET,A GUY IS ON THE GRILL

DOIN' YOURFOOD, RIGHT?

IT'S LIKE BENIHANA, BUT IT'SCALLED PEDIHANA, RIGHT?

"FOOD, FUN, AND FEET."

LIKE THAT IDEA?

- CAN I HAVE MY PHONE, J.B.?- NO!

GIVE ME ANANSWER RIGHT NOW!

- YES.- YOU'RE A LYIN' ASS, MAN.

YOU GONNA DO IT?- I GET IT-- YOU GOT IT.

PEDICURE.- YOU GONNA CALL ME?

- YES, I'LL CALL YOU.- HOW YOU GONNA CALL ME!

I GOT YOURDAMN PHONE!

NO PHONEFOR YOU!

NO PHONE FOR YOU 'TILYOU DO MY PEDIHANA!

PEDIHANA, BITCH!

- TIMONE-- TIMONE?

YEAH, DO ME A FAVOR-- GETSTEVE HARVEY ON THE PHONE.

- PEDIHANA-- WOO!

- YEAH, AND BLOWUP-BLOW UP MY PHONE.

THE OTHER PHONE,BLOW IT UP.

[explosion]

- AH-- OUCH!

HAS YOUR DICK BEEN,"

THAT IS WHATIT IS, RIGHT?

KEEP IT INYOUR PANTS, MAN.

SPEAKIN' OF DICKS--I'M WATCHIN' THIS SHOW...

ON HBO.

Y'ALL SEEN THE SHOWCALLED "HUNG" ON HBO?

YEAH.

YEAH-- WHITE GUYSLOVE IT, YEAH.

YOU KNOW, IT'S ABOUTA WHITE GUY WITH A HUGE DICK.

THAT'S THE SHOW.

SEASON THREE CAME BACK,HE GOT COMPETITION.

I'M LIKE,"OH, IT'S A BROTHER!"

NO, THEY FOUND ANOTHERWHITE GUY WITH A BIGGER DICK.

I'M LIKE, "WHEREARE THEY FINDIN'

"THESE BIG DICKWHITE DUDES?

"WHEN DID THEY BECOMETHE BIG PENIS PEOPLE?

"THAT WAS OUR THING."

LET'S PLAY THE STEREOTYPEGAME, SHALL WE?

IF I SAY, "GOOD ATMATH," YOU'D SAY...

- ASIAN.- ASIAN.

- WOW, HE SAID IT LIKE HEWAS GONNA WIN SOMETHIN'.

"ASIANS--I GOT THIS!"

[applause]

LIKE HE GONNAWIN A RUSHCARD.

[laughter]

IF I SAY, "7-ELEVEN,"YOU'D SAY...

- INDIAN.- INDIAN.

- HE KNEW THAT ONE--GODDAMN.

IF I SAY, "ALWAYS GOT ABUNCH OF PEOPLE IN ONE CAR,"

YOU'D SAY...

- MEXICANS!

- GODDAMN!

MEX-- EVERYBODY,"MEXICANS!"

I WAS THINKINGCLOWNS, BUT OKAY.

[laughter]

AND I SAY, "KNOWN FORHAVIN' REAL BIG DICKS,"

YOU'RE NOT GONNA BELIKE, "WHITE PEOPLE!"

LOOK, Y'ALL, I'M A SIXFOOT FIVE BLACK MAN.

I'M NOT SMALL.

I'M BLESSED, BUT I DON'THAVE A SHOW ABOUT IT.

I COULD NEVER PITCHTHAT SHOW TO HBO.

I COULDN'T WALKINTO HBO, LIKE,

"HBO, I GOT THESHOW FOR Y'ALL, MAN.

YEAH.

IT'S ABOUT A BLACK DUDEWITH A BIG DICK, RIGHT?

AND ALL HE'D DO ISFUCK BITCHES ALL DAY.

[laughter]

I CALL IT'MAGIC STICK.'

[laughter]

"YEAH, WE CAN'T CALL IT'HUNG' FOR HISTORICAL REASONS.

"YOU UNDERSTAND."

[laughter and applause]

IT'S TOO SOON--IT'S TOO SOON.

YOU'D CRASH THE CAR IF YOUSAW A BIG ASS BILLBOARD

OF ME WITH THE WORDS"HUNG" NEXT TO IT.

[laughter]

WHAT THE FUCK?

WHY YOU GOIN'THROUGH THE BAD STUFF

YOU GOIN' THROUGHSOMETIMES,

'CAUSE OF ALL THE BADSTUFF YOU DID AS A SPERM.

'CAUSE TO BEAT OUTMILLIONS OF OTHER SPERM,

YOU HAD TO CHEAT.

I CALL IT "CUM KARMA."

YOU HAD TO BEA LITTLE SNEAKY.

SEE, LIKE, WHEN THE OTHER SPERMWERE SLEEPIN' IN THE NUTS,

YOU WAS TYIN' THEIRLITTLE TAILS IN KNOTS,

LIKE, "FUCK THIS SHIT.

[laughter]

"I'M 'BOUT TO WINTHIS RACE OF LIFE.

"I ONLY GOT ONE SHOT!"

YOU'S GIVIN' THE OTHERSPERM WRONG DIRECTION.

"I THINK IT'S THAT WAY.

[laughter]

"STOP FOLLLOWIN' ME!"

[laughter]

A LOT OF GUYSAIN'T MAKE IT.

THINK ABOUT IT.

A LOT OF GUYS,WHAT HAPPENED?

THEY GOT CAUGHTUP IN CONDOMS.

LIKE, "WHAT THE FU--

"EH-EH-EH-EH-EH...

"SOME SORT OF FORCEFIELD IS IN THE VAGINA!"

IT WAS WORSEFOR OTHER GUYS.

A LOT OF GUYSGOT SWALLOWED, MAN.

IT AIN'T EASY.

[laughter]

YEAH.

IMAGINE HOW THEY FELT.

THEY WAS TORE UP.

THEY CAME OUT LIKE, "YEAH,THIS IS WHAT I'M TALKIN' ABOUT--

"HOLD-HOLD-HOLD-HOLDON, FELLAS.

"SOMETHIN' AIN'T RIGHT--SOMETHIN' AIN'T RIGHT.

"SOMETHIN' AIN'T RIGHT.

"THIS AIN'T THE UTERUS.

"THIS AIN'T THE--WHAT IS THIS, PIZZA?

"GOTTA DIE ONA PEPPERONI!"

WHO HAD IT THE WORST?

THE GUYS WHO ENDEDUP IN THE REAR END.

YEAH, IMAGINEHOW THEY FELT.

LIKE, "THIS ISA REAL SHIT HOLE.

[laughter]

"NOW, THIS IS A CRAPPYSITUATION IF I EVER SAW IT!

"THIS IS BULLSHIT--NO, IT'S HUMAN SHIT!

"FUCK THIS SHIT--I'M OUTTA HERE!"

THANK Y'ALLVERY MUCH, MAN!

SOMETHIN' IN LIFEALL THE TIME.

BLACK PEOPLE, WE JUST NEEDTO STAND UP FOR CERTAIN THINGS

WE DON'T USETO STAND UP FOR.

LIKE THE WORD "NO"--WE ACCEPT IT TOO QUICK.

NO MATTER WHAT WE GO TODO, THEY SAY "NO" TO US.

WE SAY "THANK YOU"AND WALK AWAY.

NO OTHER RACEACCEPTS "NO" LIKE US.

NOBODY-- WE WALKINTO A BANK.

"HELLO"--"HI, MR. JOHNSON.

"WELL, SORRY, WE LOOKEDAT YOUR APPLICATION,

"AND UNFORTUNATELY, WEHAVE TO DECLINE YOU."

"ALL RIGHT,THANK YOU."

AND WALK OUT.

WHITE PEOPLE DON'TDO THAT-- NO, SIR.

"WELL, MR. CAPEROBDIOWSKI, WEOVERLOOKED YOUR APPLICATION,

"AND UNFORTUNATELY,AT THIS TIME, WE GONNA DENY YOU.

"YOU'RE GONNA GETA LETTER IN THE MAIL."

"COME ON-- WHO AREYOU TALKING ABOUT?

"I WANT TO SEEYOUR MANAGER.

"NOT THIS ASSHOLE--THE DISTRICT MANAGER!"

[laughter]

THEY LOSE THEIR MIND.

PUERTO RICANSDON'T ACCEPT "NO."

THEY GO INTO THE BANK.

"WELL, MR. RODRIGUEZ, WEOVERLOOKED YOUR APPLICATION,

"AND UNFORTUNATELY,WE HAVE TO DENY YOU,

"AND WE'LL SENDYOU A LETTER."

"PAPA...

[laughter]

"PAPA, OH, HOLDON A MINUTE, PAPA?

"I DON'T UNDERSTANDSOMETHING RIGHT NOW.

[laughter]

"YOU SEE, PAPA, YOU GIVEME THE APPLICATION.

"YOU TELL ME TO PUTEVERYTHING DOWN.

"I LISTEN.

[laughter]

"YOU TELL METO SIGN MY NAME.

"I SIGN MY NAME.

"BUT WHEN I GIVE YOUTHE PAPER BACK, RIGHT THERE,

"SOMETHING HAPPENED--I DON'T KNOW.

"EVERYTHING YOU TELL METO DO, I DO IT."

"WELL, SIR, TO BEHONEST WITH YOU,

"YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE ID."

"OH, WAIT A MINUTE...

"YOU-YOU ASTUPID ASSHOLE.

"YOU WANT ID--A PICTURE OF ME?

"I'M THE ONE GETTINGTHE MONEY, NOT THE PICTURE.

"YOU WANT A PICTURE OF MESO YOU CAN LOOK AT ME

"AND SAY 'OKAY.'

"LOOK, YOU GONNA NEED A PICTURE,TAKE ON YOUR PHONE.

"DO IT RIGHT NOW.

"STUPID ASSHOLE."

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