You've Got Spam & Dee Dee Dee Awards

  • Season 1, Ep 8
  • 08/24/2005

Carlos exercises his right to free speech and slams people who send spam.

BECAUSE I'M SAYING I LOVE MY COUNTRY,

I SAYING IT'S PERFECT, ALL RIGHT?

THERE'S A LOT OF STUFFTHAT ALSO PISSES ME OFF.

LIKE THE SPAM MAIL I GET. IT FILLS UP MY IN-BOX UP

FASTER THAN RAPHAEL PALMERO FILLS UP HIS ASS WITH STEROIDS.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

I KNOW YOU'RE A BEANER RAPHAEL.

BUT MOST DOMINICANSDO IT WITHOUT STEROIDS!

[LAUGHTER]

YOU KNOW SOMEWHERE FERNANDOVALENZUELA'S FAT ASS WAS GOING.

[THICK MEXICAN ACCENT] I DIDN'T EVEN HAVE TO WORK OUT

AND LOOK HOW I PITCHED!

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND ON TOP OF THAT, THESE EMAILS HAVE GOT TO BE

THE DUMBEST SCAMS I'VE EVER SEEN.

I CAN'T BELIEVE ANYONE ACTUALLY FALLS FOR THIS CRAP.

HERE, I'LL SHOW YOU EXACTLY WHAT I MEANT.

ALL RIGHT.

Automated Voice: YOU'VE GOT SPAM.

DEAR STUD, HOT SEXY VIRGINS ARE DYING TO MEET YOU,

CALL US NOW.

GUYS, I HATETO BREAK IT TO YOU.

BUT IF A GIRL IS SENDING PORNOEMAILS TO 40 MILLION GUYS

SHE'S NOT A VIRGIN!

AND SHE'S PROBABLYNOT A GIRL EITHER.

[CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

DELETE!

YOU'VE GOT SPAM!

DEAR SIR, PRINCEABU ABAQU OF NIGERIAWANTS TO OFFER YOU

$15 MILLIONIN FROZEN ASSETS.

ALL WE NEED IS YOUR PRIVATEBANK ACCOUNT INFORMATION.

LOOK, IF THE PRINCE OFNIGERIA HAD $15 MILLION,

HE WOULD HAVEMOVED OUT OF NIGERIA!

YOU MAY THINK YOU'RE SENDINGYOUR PIN NUMBER TO THIS GUY.

BUT YOU'RE ACTUALLYSENDING IT TO THIS GUY.

[CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

DELETE.

YOU'VE GOT SPAM!

HEY FRIEND,DO YOU WANT A BIGGER PENIS?

OUR NEW MIRACLE DRUG,WANG MAX, IS GUARANTEED

TO ADD INCHESTO YOU MEMBER.

COME ON, THIS PRODUCTDOES NOT EXIST.

IF IT DID, WE WOULD NOT NEEDAN EMAIL TO TELL US ABOUT IT.

EVERY GUY IN AMERICA WOULD BE RUNNING DOWN THE STREET

SCREAMING IN CELEBRATION. AND YOU WANT ME TO TELL YOU

WHO WOULD BE THEFIRST IN LINE TO BUY IT?

HA-HA-HA-HE-HE-HE-HA HA!THIS GUY.

[CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

(rock version of The Star-Spangled Banner)

- There's an amendment thatsays we have freedom of speech.

Americans. Exercise it. That's what we're here for.

Don't ever give a beaner a megaphone.

(audience laughs)

Why do you think that so many people in America today

are holding back everything they think and feel?

- Political correctness.

- 'Cause they're scared.

- What are some of the things that are bothering you?

- Spiders.

- So, what's on yourmind that you feel like

you just need to say it, no matter what?

- Legalization of marijuana. - Yes.

- I think that they should legalize it.

- I heard you had a record of drug use in the past.

I don't know. I don't know what's going on.

- See, that's what I'm talking about,

you and I need to hang out. I love this man.

See, this man tells it like it is.

- Right, so we created this little area

for people who are too afraid to talk to somebody,

so they can just talk to camera.

- I'm an umpire, and I umpire baseball for little league.

And I have parents, every call I make, complaining about it.

Your kid is not going to be a major league baseball player!

Get off my back!

- There's not a lot of smart southerners out there.

- Look at me! I'm the President!

- Most of them are slow.

- I got a C average my whole life.

- Minorities are alwaystalking about the man,

you know what I'm saying?

Is there anything youwant to say to the man?

- What is with your walk?

You always got that walk like...

you know?

- Yes, well, you see, we, unlike a lot of

other people, we will not say what nationalities,

have to get to work.

So we give people the platform to say whatever they want,

and this is what they say?!

- I am so tired of hearing about how big your penis is.

- The fact that youcan't just fart anytime,

kind of pisses me off.

- I don't go around talking about how big my vagina is,

all the time. Right?

- Honestly, I'm very gaseous and I personally like to fart

tons of times.

(farts)

- I want you to say exactly what you're thinking,

into the camera and let the world know.

- I exercise my free speech in different ways.

I'm a member of the Free SpeechCoalition, I do pornography.

- [Voiceover] What?!

(rewind)

- I do pornography, I film pornography.

(audience laughs)

- So, you're saying thatthe 7-Elevens you go to

have Hindus working there?

- All the time!

- I'm playing the Hindu guy.

You say to me what you've been wanting to say.

- I just like your nachos,

you could probably put some cheeseburgers.

- Let me tell you something, you black people

come in here, and put way too much cheese on the nanchos.

Then you go home and put it on your burger,

they are not for your burger!

Does that bother you that you get mistaken

so many times?- All the time!

- Because you're not Muslim, - No I'm not.

- You're Hindu.

- You have to pay! - It says free cheese!

- It is not free, its free to you.

- If I'm buying nachos,I'm going to put cheese

and chili on my nachos.

- Tell all the racist peoplethat don't know the difference,

how much that pisses you off that you are different.

- Alright, people. I am not a terrorist!

- White people are not terrorists.

- If I get a hamburger, I'm gonna put chili and cheese

on my hamburger.

- For your hamburger, for your nachos,

not for your family at home to split up

with the macaroni and cheese with Top Ramen.

You cannot do that.

Why don't y'all shut the(bleep) up at the movie theater?

(laughter)

What are some of the things that have been bothering you

that you've been wanting to say?

- You know a lot of theday-laborers coming in,

and taking all of our work?

- Oh really?

- Yeah.

- What do you have to say about the guy that said

you come here to take his job?

- I would say (bleep) him!

(audience laughs)