Lilly and the Beast

  • Season 2, Ep 212
  • 08/25/2011

Mark hooks up with an old girlfriend to test his open relationship.

ALL THESE YEARS IT NEVEROCCURRED TO ME

THAT THAT THINGCOULD BE A CHICK,

AND I'VE ALWAYS CONSIDEREDMYSELF A PRETTY PROGRESSIVE GUY.

- MARK?WHEREFORE ART THOU, MARK?

I AM LEARNING THE QUEEN'SENGLISH FOR YOU, MY LOVE.

HUH?

- YOU'RE LATE TO THE PARTY,CALLIE.

MARK'S BEEN ABDUCTEDBY A SHE-BEAST.

- MARK!

NOW I'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO TELLHIM HOW I FEEL IN PROPER SYNTAX.

- NOT SO FAST.

WE'VE GOT ANOTHER CLUE.

FIRST RULE OF POLICE WORK:

TURDS DO NOT LIE.

MM.

I'M TASTING PINKBERRY.

CHARLESTON CHEW.

DEFINITELY CHARLESTON CHEW.

- PREPOSTEROUS!

PINKBERRY DOESN'TOFFER CHARLESTON CHEW

IN THEIR TOPPINGS BUFFET.

EVERYONE KNOWS THAT.

- THE PINKBERRYS IN CHELSEAAND THE UPPER EAST SIDE

HAVE CHARLESTON CHEW.

ONLY TWO IN THE CITY.

I MAY BE A DEMON,BUT I'M ALSO A GIRL.

- I'LL STAKE OUT UPTOWN,YOU TAKE DOWNTOWN.

CALL ME IF YOU SEE ANYTHING,

YOU KNOW, BESIDES THIN WOMENWAITING IN LINE.

[romantic saxophone music]

- [joyous grunting]

- [muffled protesting]

[sputters]

THAT REALLY STRETCHED OUTMY JAW, JACLYN.

- MY PLEASURE!

PAJAMA JEANS HAVE MADEMY CONDITION MORE MANAGEABLE.

- HOW THE HELLDID THIS HAPPEN TO YOU?

- WHY, YOU DID THIS TO ME,MY LOVE.

- I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THIS, MARK.

I'M SCARED.

- JACLYN, I WANT YOUTO PICTURE US

14 YEARS, 5 MONTHS,AND 6 DAYS FROM NOW.

WE'RE LIVING ON OUR HOUSEBOATWITH OUR CHILDREN,

ETHAN AND DESIREE.

- THEY'RE BEAUTIFUL.

- BUT THEY'RE UPSET.

"MOMMY, WHY CAN'T YOU HAVE

THE MOST IMPORTANT MEALOF THE DAY WITH US?"

AND YOU SAY, "BECAUSE I'M AFRAIDOF THE EGGS YOUR FATHER MAKES,"

AND AFTER SEEING THEIR PARENTS

PITTED AGAINST EACH OTHERLIKE THIS,

THEY TURN ELSEWHEREFOR A ROLE MODEL:

THE STREET, WHERE THEY LEARNABOUT COCAINE AND ANAL SEX.

IT'S GUARANTEED.

- OH, PLEASE STOP.STOP.

I'LL DO IT.

I'LL CONQUER MY ALLERGY.

- THAT'S MY GIRL.

- [chokes]

THROAT'S--MY THROAT'S CLOSING UP.

- NO.NO, NO, NO.

DON'T YOU DAREBLAME THE EGGS FOR THIS.

RELATIONSHIP ANXIETYIS WHAT'S CLOSING YOUR THROAT.

NOW, DO YOU WANT TO FIGHTFOR MARK AND JACKIE,

OR DO YOU WANT TO GOTO THE HOSPITAL?

- [choking]HOSPITAL.

[whispering]HO--HOSPITAL.

[siren warbles]

- I CAUGHT HIM PLAYING UNOWITH A WOMAN.

FOR MARK, UNO ISLIKE THIRD BASE.

- NOBODY BETRAYSA GIRLS CLUB SISTER.

WHO'S THE SLUT?

- WHAT DID YOU EXPECTWOULD HAPPEN

WHEN YOU GAVE HIM A FREE PASS?

- I NEVER THOUGHT HE'D USE IT.

HE DOESN'T BELIEVEIN FREE PASSES,

COUPONS,OR GIFT CERTIFICATES.

IT'S RIGHT HERE IN CHAPTER 27OF LILLY'S RULES TO LIVE BY.

- LADIES, DON'T FORGETTO FILL UP

ON BOBBY FLAY'SFIG AND CHEESE CROSTINIS

WHILE THEY'RE STILL HOT.

- HERE'S A THOUGHT.

I KILL THIS BITCHSO MARK CAN GO BACK

TO BEING UNDER MY THUMBWHERE HE BELONGS.

- I COULD GET BANNEDFROM THE MAN CLUB

JUST FOR WHISPERING THIS,

BUT MARK CARES ABOUT YOU.

YOU TWO SHOULD HAVE AN OPENAN HONEST DISCUSSION.

- YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT,TWAYNE.

I NEED TO MAKEMARK MORE JEALOUS.

[cell phone beeping]

HELLO.

- [Croatian accent]HELLO, CASUAL SEX WOMAN.

YOU WANT MAKE BABY?

- STOP CALLING ME.

- CALLIE, THANKS FOR INVITING USOUT TONIGHT WITH YOUR...

UH, FRIENDS.

- HEY, MAN.WE'RE YOUR AMIGOS TOO.

I'M MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY.

I LOVE PEOPLE SO MUCH,I HAD TO CLONE MYSELF.

- IT'S ALL GOOD.

- AREN'T THEY GORGEOUS?

WE MET ON FACEBOOK.

- WHAT'S FACEBOOK?

- WHAT ROCK DID YOU PULLTHIS ONE OUT FROM UNDER?

- WELL, I'VE LIVED IN A DUMPSTERFOR THE LAST FOUR YEARS, SO...

- [laughs]A BAG LADY?

OH, MARK.

- IT'S KIND OF ADORABLE

WATCHING HER CATCH UPTO THE MODERN WORLD.

TODAY SHE GOOGLED GOOGLE.

SO HOW DID YOU TWO CONNECT?

- MUST HAVE BEEN LIKE FIREWORKSGOIN' OFF.

BOOM!

- WAITER!DOUBLE SCOTCH.

- ACTUALLY, MARK AND I DATEDFOR 3 1/2 SEMESTERS IN COLLEGE.

- YOU TWO DATED?

WHERE'S MY SCOTCH?

[romantic saxophone solo]

- OH, MY GOD.

IT CAN'T BE.

- HE'S PLAYING OUR SONG.

- WHO IS THIS?BUBLE?

CONNICK JR.?

- NO, IT'S LITERALLY OUR SONG.

WE WROTE IT TOGETHER.

KIND OF A BIG DEALON COLLEGE RADIO.

- WE USED IT TO WINTHE BALLROOM DANCE CHALLENGE.

- I'M NOT SURE I REMEMBERTHE STEPS, BUT, UH...

LET'S DO THIS.

- OH!

- I'M GOING TO SERIOUSLY LOSEMY MIND.

- UH-OH.

WATCH OUT FOR THIS SPLITINFINITIVES.

- WE CAN HELP YOUWITH THAT GRAMMAR OF YOURS.

- [groans]

I SHOULD HAVE BROUGHTRYAN GOSLING AND HIS CLONE.

- UGH.

- I BUY FOR GOOD FRIEND.

[cell phone beeping]

[cell phone beeping]

- GREAT SCOTT!

TALLY HO, COMMODORE'S BRIDE!

THERE'S TROUBLE AFOOT!

[barking]

[murmuring and gasping]

- YOU REALLY THINKI HAVE SOMETHING TO LIVE FOR?

[cell phone beeping]

- NO!

[gunshot]- OOH!

[screams]

- DON'T FORGET TO TUCK AND ROLL!

thump!

- WHAT'S YOUR EMERGENCY, MARK?

YOUR FELLOW MEN AWAIT,READY TO HELP.

- I CAUGHT CALLIEWITH ANOTHER MAN.

- IS NO!

[glass shatters]

[high-pitched growling]

- NOBODY BETRAYSA MAN CLUB BROTHER.

WHO'S THE SCUMBAG?

- SCUMBAGS.

CALLIE CLAIMS WE HAVEAN OPEN RELATIONSHIP,

AND GET THIS:

SHE WANTS ME TO HAVE SEXWITH OTHER WOMEN.

- DUDE, WHAT THE [bleep]'S

WRONG WITH YOU?

CALLIE JUST GAVE YOUTHE GREATEST GIFT EVER.

- YOU ARE AWARETHIS IS THE MAN CLUB.

- SO YOU GUYS ARE SAYING

I SHOULD JUST TOSS OUT A FULLYEAR OF A COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP

AND SLEEP WITH A BUNCHOF RANDOM LOOSE WOMEN?

- TWO POINTS.

ONE: YOU'LL NEEDTO SLUT IT UP FAST

IF YOU WANT TO MAINTAIN ANYPOWER IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP.

TWO: WHAT'S CALLIE'S NUMBER?

- DOES SHE LIKE ETHNIC GUYS?

- NOBODY IS GETTINGCALLIE'S NUMBER.

- WELL, THAT'S IT.

I MOVE WE ADJOURN THIS MEETINGOF THE MAN'S CLUB

WITH THE CEREMONIAL SMOKINGOF CIGARS.

PLEDGE!CIGARS, NOW!

- UH.- YES.

- LEONARD?- AT YOUR SERVICE, MASTER MARK.

- WHO THE HELLTOLD YOU TO STAND?

DROP AND GIVE ME 50 BOOT LICKS.

- [lapping]

- NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

PAGE 74, LILLY'S RULES OF ORDER.

THE MAN CLUB REPUDIATESANY FORM OF HAZING.

- [retching]

- AND LEONARD JUST BARFED.

- IT'S MY FAULT.

I'LL EAT IT.

- THE RULES--OF COURSE!

WHAT WERE WE THINKING?

WELL, WE'LL KNOCK THIS OFFFORTHWITH.

- ALL IN FAVOR OF EXCLUDINGLILLY FROM HELL WEEK, SAY "AYE."

all: AYE.

[smacking]

- UH, TEACHER,

CAN DIRTY LADY WITH BREATHOF CAT FOOD SIT IN HALLWAY?

- HEY, ALL MY STUDENTSARE ENTITLED

TO THE SAME AMOUNT OF RESPECT.

- BUT SHE'S POOPING ON RICK.

- AN HONEST MISTAKE.

SHE CAN SIT NEXT TO ME.

HEY, CLASS, IT'S SO EASYJUST TO DISMISS THE HOMELESS

WITHOUT GIVING THEMA SECOND LOOK.

- MARK, IT'S ME, JACLYN.

WE DATED JUNIOR AND SENIOR YEARIN COLLEGE.

- JACLYN?

JACLYN ANDERSON?

- HA!

YOU HAD A THING FOR HOBOS!

- SHE WASN'T HOMELESSIN COLLEGE.

SHE WAS A FULBRIGHT SCHOLAR,

PRESIDENTOF THE STUDENT GOVERNMENT.

SHE WAS PERFECT.

- WELL, YOU DIDN'T THINK SOBACK THEN.

HE DUMPED MEBECAUSE I HAD A SEVERE ALLERGY

TO HIS FAVORITE FOOD:EGGS.

- UGH.

- YOU'RE REMEMBERING THISALL WRONG,

BUT TO BE FAIR,WHO IS ALLERGIC TO EGGS?

I MAINTAIN IT WASA PSYCHOLOGICAL BLOCK.

I WAS SO DEPRESSEDOVER LOSING MARK

THAT I LOST MY SCHOLARSHIPAND I DROPPED OUT,

AND THEN MY PARENTS DISOWNED ME,

AND I ENDED UP LIVINGON THE STREETS BY THE GARBAGE.

- TEACHER IS COLD-BLOODED SNAKE.

- WELL, LOOKS LIKEWE'RE OUT OF TIME FOR TODAY.

CLASS DISMISSED.

- WE STILL HAVE 42 MINUTES.

- SO GLAD I GAVE YOU THATWRISTWATCH FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY.

- COULD SOMEONE DROP MEAT THE VENTILATION DUCT

BEHIND WHOLE FOODS?

THE JANITOR'S REALLY NICE.

HE PUTS OUT A BOWLOF WATER FOR ME.

- EH, WELL,YOU CAN CRASH WITH ME

UNTIL YOU GET BACK ON YOUR FEET.

- HE'S GOT A HOBO FETISH,JACLYN!

HE LAYS ONE HAND ON YOU,CALL ME.

- CALLIE, YOU'RE NOT GONNABELIEVE WHO WAS IN MY CLASS...

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