CC Presents: Bret Ernst

  • Season 14, Ep 17
  • 01/11/2010

THEY'RE THE WORST,'CAUSE THERE'S A THEME.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I WORKED FOR ONE.I CAN'T SAY THE NAME ON TV.

IT HAD A RAINFOREST THEME.

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ Sarcastically ]NO, THAT DIDN'T SUCK ASS.

A GROWN MAN WITH A DEGREEIN A SAFARI OUTFIT.

NO, THAT WASN'T HUMILIATING.

WITH A FANNY PACK.

AND I'M NOT KIDDING YOU --

THEY GIVE YOU A NAME TAGWITH A FROG ON IT.

HIS NAME'S "CHA! CHA! THE FROG."

I KNOW THAT 'CAUSE IT WASON THE GODDAMN TEST I TOOK.

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND ON TOP OF THAT [LAUGHS]THEY GIVE YOU A THEME GREET.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

THERE'S NOTHING MORE HUMILIATINGTHAN WALKING TO A GROUP OF MEN,

ESPECIALLY IF THEY HAVE TIES ON,

'CAUSE THAT MEANS THEY ACTUALLYDO SOMETHING FOR A LIVING,

AND I GOT TO GO UP TO THEMAND GREET THEM WITH THAT, UH,

"H-HEY, GENTLEMEN,HOW YOU DOING?

I'LL BE YOUR TOUR GUIDE."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"YOU GUYS MIND IF I START YOURSAFARI OFF WITH AN APPETIZER?

"I BET THAT SOUNDS FUN,DOESN'T IT?

YAY! NACHOS!HA HA HA HA!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

"YEAH, WE GOT 'EM!

"HEY, GUYS, QUICK QUESTION

"BEFORE WE STARTOUR LITTLE ADVENTURE.

"ANY OF YOU HAPPEN TO HAVE A GUNSO I CAN BLOW MY HEAD OFF

"OVER THIS MECHANICAL GORILLA

"THAT GOES OFFEVERY 15 GODDAMN SECONDS?

"YEAH, IT'S A RAINFORESTIN A MALL.

IT'S MAGICAL.HEH HEH."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"I'LL SHOOT EVERYBODY."

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND I RACIALLY PROFILED EVERYBODY.

[ LAUGHTER ]

YOU CAN SAY WHAT YOU WANT.

UNLESS YOU WAITED TABLES,YOU DON'T KNOW.

NOW, THE THREE WORST GROUPSTO WAIT ON --

NUMBER ONE, HANDS DOWN --AND I'M NOT PANDERING --

RICH, WHITE WOMEN.

IF YOU'RE IN HERE, GET A JOB.

I HATE YOU.I HATE YOUR FACE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

NO, 'CAUSE THEY ALWAYS HAVETHAT FACE

LIKE THEY JUST SMELLED CRAP.

THEY ALWAYS JUST WALK IN,LIKE...

WITH THEIR BAGS.

THEY JUST WALK IN COMPLAINING.

EVERYTHING'S ALWAYS"UNACCEPTABLE."

"UH, SIR, HELLO?THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE."

THEY'LL MAKE A STATEMENTLIKE THAT, TOO,

LIKE, "HELLO.[SCOFFS]

[ LAUGHTER ]

"SIR, WHY AREN'T I SEATED?

"I'VE BEEN WAITINGTHREE MINUTES,

AND I MARRIED SOMEONEWHO ACCOMPLISHED SOMETHING."

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

"WHY IS THIS TABLE DIRTY?WHY IS IT DIRTY?

IT'S DISGUSTING!WHY IS IT DIR--"

"'CAUSE PEOPLEARE STILL EATING!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND THEY SING WHEN THEY ORDER.IT'S SO ANNOYING.

THEY'RE ALWAYS LIKE,

"LET ME GET A SALA-A-A-A-D.

BUT I DON'T WANT ANYCROUTO-O-O-O-NS OR LETTUCE."

"BITCH, IT'S A SALAD!I WILL KICK YOU TO SLEEP!"

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

RICH, WHITE WOMEN SUCK.

MIDDLE EAST-- YOU EVER WAITON MIDDLE EASTERNS?

HAVE FUN.

[ LAUGHTER ]

ALL THEY DO IS YELL AT YOU.

[ LAUGHTER ]

LIKE,"HEY, HOW YOU FOLKS DOING?"

[ Middle Eastern accent ]"WHERE IS MY BREAD?!"

[ Normal voice ] "I DIDN'T KNOWYOU WANTED BREAD."

[ Middle Eastern accent ]"WHERE IS MY DRINK?!"

[ Normal voice ] "OKAY, I'LLGET YOU SOMETHING TO DRINK."

[ Middle Eastern accent ]"I'M READY TO GO!"

"...MY FRIEND!"

[ Normal voice ] THEY ALWAYSTHROW THAT AT THE END,

LIKE THAT'S SUPPOSED TOCOMFORT THE BLOW.

[ LAUGHTER ]

MIDDLE EASTERNS SUCK.

BLACK --YOU EVER WAIT ON BROTHERS?

THEY ALWAYS WANT YOUTO HOOK 'EM UP.

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

DUDE!

BROTHERS ACT LIKETHEY'VE KNOWN YOU FOR YEARS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

YOU COME UP TO THE TABLE --"A'IGHT, MAN, A'IGHT."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"A'IGHT, DUDE.A'IGHT, COME ON, A'IGHT.

"A'IGHT, A'IGHT, HOOK ME UP,DAWG. HOOK ME..."

"I DON'T KNOW YOU!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

OH, AND BROTHERS LOVESTRAWBERRY LEMONADE.

NO, BROTHERS LOVE IT!

[ LAUGHS ]

THEY SEE IT ON THE MENU,THEY LOSE THEIR MIND.

THEIR VOICE GOES UPLIKE 12 OCTAVES.

THEY'RE LIKE, "OH, HELL NO!

[ High-pitched ]YOU GOT STRAWBERRY LEMONADE?!"

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

"YOU GOT STRAWBERRY LEMONADE!"

[ CHUCKLES ]

"HEY, HOOK ME UP!"

[ Normal voice ]"I DON'T KNOW YOU!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

TAKES A LOT OUT OF YOU.

I ACTUALLY HAVE TO WAX THEM,LIKE, ONCE EVERY THREE DAYS,

OR THEY JUST START GROWINGINTO A GOATEE.

I DON'T KNOW IF MY MOTHERBANGED THEM UP IN THE '70s.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT SHE DID,BUT...IT IS WHAT IT IS.

THAT'S THAT. THERE'S NOTHINGWE CAN DO ABOUT IT.

[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]

THAT WAS AWESOME APPLAUSE, GUYS.THANK YOU, MAN.

YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

YOU KNOW, TO DO ONE OF THESEFOR COMEDY CENTRAL, MAN,

YOU KNOW,I'M VERY, VERY BLESSED.

I KNOW, UH,I'VE HAD A LOT OF [BLEEP] JOBS.

I WAS JUST [LAUGHS]

AND TO BE ABLE TO DO THIS ANDBE EXCITED ABOUT IT, YOU KNOW?

LIKE, I REMEMBER WAITING TABLES,

WHICH, BY THE WAY,IS THE WORST JOB EVER.

ALL RIGHT?

AND, BY THE WAY --'CAUSE YOU KNOW YOUR JOB SUCKS

IF YOU GET MADWHEN PEOPLE JUST COME IN.

[ LAUGHTER ]

LIKE, I USED TO BE AT WORK --PEOPLE WOULD SHOW UP.

I'M LIKE, "AH, MAN!WHY THEY GOT TO EAT HERE?!"

LIKE IT'S THEIR FAULT.

I WORKED FOR CORPORATE CHAINS.THOSE ARE THE WORST.

IF YOU'RE GONNA WORK FORA RESTAURANT, GO MOM-AND-POP.

DON'T GO CORPORATE, 'CAUSETHEY TREAT IT LIKE A REAL JOB.

[ LAUGHTER ]

NAH, THERE'S LIKE THREEINTERVIEWS YOU GOT TO GO ON,

A CLASSROOM YOU GOT TO DO.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT'S [LAUGHS]

NAH, 'CAUSEYOU'RE IN A CLASSROOM,

LIKE, STUDYING MENU ITEMS.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

LIKE A JERK-OFF.

BY THE WAY,YOU KNOW YOUR LIFE SUCKS

WHEN YOU'RE CHEATINGON FOOD TESTS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

WHERE YOU'RE IN A CLASS, LIKE,

"Psst. Hey, man, what kind ofonions are in the jambalaya?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

THEN IT JUST SINKS IN --"GOD, I'M A LOSER."

[ LAUGHTER ]

'CAUSE HIS MOTHER'SBEEN TELLING HIM

HOW GOOD-LOOKING HE ISHIS WHOLE LIFE.

[ Chuckling ]YOU EVER TALK TO THEM?

SAY, "HEY, MAN, COME HERE.WHAT DO YOU DO FOR A LIVING?"

[ New York accent ]"I DO CONSTRUCTION, I MODEL."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"NAH, I LAY SHEETROCK,I DO PRINT WORK AND WHATNOT."

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

[ Normal voice ]THEN THE CHECK COMES,AND THEN WE START FIGHTING.

[ New York accent ]"I GOT IT! I GOT IT!DON'T WORRY. I GOT IT."

[ Normal voice ]SOME RIDICULOUS AMOUNT.

[ New York accent ]"WHAT DO I OWE YOU FOR THE TAB?

$15,000?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

"DON'T EMBARRASS ME.I GOT IT."

[ Normal voice ]AND THEN WE TAKE OUR MONEY OUT.

SEE, ITALIANS GO OUTWITH EVERY DOLLAR WE OWN ON US.

IT'S LIKE A $100 BILLWRAPPED IN LIKE 8,000 SINGLES.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

AND WE ALWAYS TURN OUR BACKAND COUNT OUR MONEY

SO YOU CAN'T SEE US COUNT IT.

[ New York accent ]"WHAT DO I OWE YOU -- $15,000?

DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT."

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ IMITATING MONEY SHUFFLING ]

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

[ SHUFFLING STOPS ]

[ SHUFFLING RESUMES ]

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

"HERE'S $20."

[ LAUGHTER ]

THE WHOLE COUNTRY'SGOING TO HELL, MAN.

IT IS. YOU KNOW WHY?WE HAVE A TWO-PARTY SYSTEM.

YOU KNOW, I HATE REPUBLICANS,I HATE DEMOCRATS.

I HATE THEM BOTH.I'M RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE, MAN.

I HATE THE RIGHT WING...

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

THANK YOU.YOU GUYS CAN CLAP.

[ APPLAUSE CONTINUES ]

NO, I HATETHE RIGHT-WING JERK-OFFS

THAT ALWAYS SAY STUPID STUFF,

LIKE, YOU KNOW,"PEOPLE CHOOSE TO BE GAY."

FIRST OFF, NO, THEY DON'T.ALL RIGHT?

THEY'RE BORN THAT WAY.I GOT A GAY OLDER BROTHER.

THAT BITCH WAS DIFFERENTFROM DAY ONE.

ALL RIGHT?NO, I'M TELLING YOU!

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

NO, I'M SERIOUS --MY BROTHER FLEW OUT OF THE WOMB.

♪ W-A-A-A-A-A!

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

HE'S LIKE [ Lisping ]"THIS PLACENTA'S DISGUSTING."

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

"I'M NEVER GOING BACK IN THERE."

[ Normal voice ]AND HE DIDN'T!

[ LAUGHTER ]

HE KEPT HIS WORD.

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

YOU EVER SEE, LIKE,PEOPLE WHO DON'T LIKE --

YOU KNOW WHO I HATE THE MOST,TO BE HONEST WITH YOU?

PEOPLE WHO CRAP ON RELIGIONALL THE TIME

WITH THEIR PSEUDO-FACTS.

"MORE PEOPLE DIE IN THE NAMEOF RELIGION THAN ANYTHING."

THAT'S NOT TRUE, ALL RIGHT?I GOOGLED IT.

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

NO, ACTUALLY,IT WAS ABOUT 50,000 TO 100,000

THEY ESTIMATED DIEDDURING THE RELIGIOUS CRUSADES.

BUT IN THE 20th CENTURY,ATHEISTS WERE RESPONSIBLE

FOR OVER 300 MILLION DEATHSOR SOMETHING LIKE THAT, RIGHT?

THE POINT IS,USE YOUR OWN LOGIC, ALL RIGHT?

EVERY JEW, EVERY CHRISTIAN,

EVERY MUSLIM I KNOWIS PRETTY COOL.

EVERY ATHEIST I KNOWIS A SMUG DICKHEAD.

[ LAUGHTER ]

NO, YOU EVER TALK TO THEM?

THEY ALWAYS ACT LIKETHEY'RE SMARTER THAN EVERYBODY.

LIKE, "RELIGION WAS CREATEDTO PACIFY THE STUPID."

REALLY? YOU KNOW HOW MANYAWESOME PEOPLE ARE RELIGIOUS?

WHAT, DR. KING?WHAT, WAS HE A JERK-OFF?

MOTHER TERESA -- WHAT A MORON.

GANDHI.

RELIGIOUS -- THAT RABBI GUYTHAT SINGS REGGAE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

THAT GUY'S AWESOME!

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

AND I'M SICKOF THIS AMERICAN-BASHING, TOO.

IT HAS TO STOP.ALL RIGHT?

OPEN A HISTORY BOOK.ALL RIGHT?

EVERYBODY LIKES TO BLAME AMERICAFOR EVERYTHING.

WHAT ARE WE --ONLY 233 YEARS OLD?

THESE OTHER COUNTRIESARE THOUSANDS OF YEARS OLD.

NOT ONLYDID THEY NOT GET IT RIGHT,

BUT A LOT OF TIMES, THEYSCREW UP AND ASK US FOR HELP.

THAT'S LIKE A 90-YEAR-OLD MANASKING A 2-YEAR-OLD FOR ADVICE.

YOU KNOW?

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

"HOW DO I STOPPISSING IN MY PANTS?"

"I DON'T KNOW, DUDE.WE JUST FIGURED IT OUT."

[ LAUGHTER ]

DON'T HATE THE PLAYER.HATE THE GAME.

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

BUT I CAN SEE WHYOTHER COUNTRIES DON'T LIKE US.

YOU KNOW, WE'RE YOUNG,WE'RE RICH, WE'RE GOOD-LOOKING.

I'D HATE US, TOO.

NO, 'CAUSE WE'RE THE GUYTHAT CAN JUST WALK IN THE BAR.

JUST SAY THE WORLD'SA NIGHTCLUB, ALL RIGHT?

AMERICA'S THAT GUYTHAT CAN JUST WALK RIGHT UP

AND WALK RIGHT IN THE CLUB.

MEANWHILE, ALL THE THIRD WORLDNATIONS ARE IN LINE,

WAITING TO GET IN, GOING,

[ Middle Eastern accent ]"BUDDY, MY FRIEND..."

"BUDDY, WE'VE BEEN HEREFOR 3,000 YEARS.

MY FRIEND,CAN WE GET IN THE CLUB?"

[ Normal voice ]BUT AMERICA GETS RIGHT IN.

YOU KNOW WHY? OUR BEST FRIEND'SWORKING THE DOOR. IT'S ISRAEL.

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

HEY.

WHO SPOTS TROUBLEBETTER THAN THOSE GUYS?

IT'S NEPOTISM.WE DIDN'T CREATE IT.

WE'LL WALK UP -- ISRAEL'S LIKE,

[ Israeli accent ]"HEY, AMERICA! WHO'S WITH YOU?"

[ Normal voice ] WE'RE LIKE,"ALL RIGHT, LET'S SEE.

"UH, ENGLAND'S WITH USAUSTRALIA'S WITH US.

WHAT ABOUT FRANCE?"

FRANCE IS LIKE,

[ French accent ] "OHH.BUT ARE WE NOT YOUR FRIENDS?

"UH-HUH, OUI, OUI.

"DID WE NOT GIVE YOU THE STATUE?

UH-HUH, POOH-POOH."

[ Normal voice ]YOU KNOW WHAT, FRANCE? YOU DID.YOU CAN COME WITH US.

[ French accent ]"HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"ONCE AGAIN,WE HAVE FOOLED THE AMERICANS."

[ EXHALES SHARPLY ]

"THEY THINKTHEY'RE SUCH HOT [BLEEP]

WITH THEIR SHOWER-INGAND SHAV-ING."

[ Normal voice ]BUT WE GET RIGHT IN,BUT WE GOT TO TIP ISRAEL.

"HEY, ISRAEL, THIS IS FOR YOU.GET YOURSELF SOME WEAPONS."

[ LAUGHTER ]

SO, NOW YOU GO IN THE CLUB,

AND YOU KNOWTHERE'S A PARTY GOING ON.

IRELAND AND SCOTLANDARE BARTENDING.

THEY'RE DOING THIS.

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

EVERYBODY'S HAVING A GOOD TIME,

BUT THERE'S SOME OTHER COUNTRIESFEELING A LITTLE FROGGY.

LIKE, NORTH KOREA'SAT THE END OF THE BAR,

DOING SHOTSWITH IRAN, CHINA, AND RUSSIA,

LOOKING AT US, GOING,"I THINK WE COULD TAKE 'EM."

[ LAUGHTER ]

JAPAN AND GERMANY ARE LIKE,

"I WOULDN'T DO THATIF I WERE YOU, DUDE.

"YOU MIGHT WANT TO ORDERA COFFEE AND A RED BULL

AND SOBER UP, ALL RIGHT?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

"YEAH, I KNOWTHEY'RE LAZY AND STUPID,

BUT THEY'RE ALSOBORED AND NUTS."

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

SO NOW SOME TERRORISTSSHOW UP, RIGHT?

NOW, WE DON'T KNOW WHY,

BUT LET'S BE HONEST --WE'RE YOUNG, OKAY?

WE'VE BEEN KNOWN TO GET DRUNK,START SOME [BLEEP]

AND FORGET, THE NEXT DAY,CONVENIENTLY.

WHEN WE GOT BEEF,WE'RE LIKE, "OH, WE GOT BEEF.

WHO'S GOT OUR BACK?"

CANADA POPS OUT.

[ Canadian accent ]"WHAT'S GOING ON, EH?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ Normal voice ]"UH...NO, NOT YOU, CANADA.

"DOES MOM EVEN KNOW YOU'RE OUT?

GO HOME, ALL RIGHT?YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HERE."

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

BUT YOU KNOW WHO GETS OUR BACK,BELIEVE IT OR NOT?

MEXICO.

[ Mexican accent ] 'CAUSETHEY'RE DOWN FOR WHATEVER.

[ LAUGHTER ]

THEY'RE LIKE,"I'LL SHANK A BITCH!"

THIS IS FOR LITTLE PUPPET!"

[ IMITATING KNIFE PLUNGING ]

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

[ Normal voice ]LIKE, "ALL RIGHT, MEXICO,YOU READY TO ROLL?"

[ SPEAKING SPANISH ]

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

ALL RIGHT!

"AUSTRALIA, YOU READY TO ROLL?"

[ Australian accent ]"YOU GOT IT, MATE."

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ Normal voice ] "ALL RIGHT.ENGLAND, YOU READY TO ROLL?"

[ Australian accent ]"YOU GOT IT, MATE."

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ Normal voice ] THEY SOUNDTHE SAME TO ME, ALL RIGHT?

I CAN'T TELL THE DIFFERENCE.

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

"FRANCE, YOU READY TO ROLL?"

"F-FRANCE?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

"WHERE THE HELL DID FRANCE GO?!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

"WHAT?! THEY..."

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

"WHAT?! THEY RAN UP A TAB?WHO'S GONNA PAY FOR IT?"

ITALY JUMPS OUT.

[ New York accent ]"DON'T WORRY! I GOT IT!"

[ IMITATES MONEY SHUFFLING ]

LIKE, GUYS, WHEN YOU'RE OUTWITH YOUR FRIENDS

AND YOU DROP YOUR BUDDY OFF,

YOU DON'T WAIT TO SEEIF HE GETS IN OKAY, ALL RIGHT?

YOU LEAVE.IT'S UNCOMFORTABLE.

IF HE GETS HIS ASS KICKEDON THE WAY TO THE DOOR,

THAT'S HIS OWN FAULT --HE SHOULD LEARN HOW TO FIGHT.

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

AND DATING -- DATING'SGOT TO SUCK FOR WOMEN, TOO.

I MEAN, I CAN'T SPEAK ON THAT,BECAUSE, OBVIOUSLY, I'M A GUY.

BUT I'M SAYING, YOU KNOWWHO PROBABLY HAS IT THE WORST

ARE COOL CHICKS --IT'S GOT TO SUCK.

YOU EVER NOTICE? 'CAUSE COOLCHICKS ONLY GO OUT IN PAIRS.

THEY DON'T USUALLY GO OUTIN A GROUP,

'CAUSE THEY DON'T REALLY LIKETO HANG OUT WITH OTHER GIRLS.

YOU EVER NOTICE THAT ONE?

AND THE WORST

IS WHEN YOU'RE SITTINGACROSS FROM A GIRL ON A DATE

AND SHE'S PROJECTING

OR TRYING TO MAKE HERSELF OUT TOBE A COOL CHICK, BUT SHE'S NOT.

YOU KNOW, AND SHE'S LIKE,"I'M JUST LIKE A GUY.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?I LOVE SPORTS."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"THE KNICKS ARE MY FAVORITEFOOTBALL TEAM. I LOVE THEM."

[ CHUCKLES ]

I NEVER UNDERSTOOD THAT, EITHER,

'CAUSE WE DON'T WANT THAT --YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

LIKE, I DON'T WANT A GIRLTHAT'S LIKE A DUDE.

GUYS DON'T DO THAT --YOU NEVER SEE GUYS LIKE,

"YEAH, I'M JUST LIKE A GIRL.ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

I LOVE PUPPIES AND CHOCOLATEAND CUDDLING."

ALL IT IS, IS THIS.I'LL BE HONEST WITH YOU.

NO, NO, NO, I'M GETTING BACKTO OTHER THINGS, TOO.

LIKE, WE WERE TALKINGABOUT THE DATING THING.

AND I HATEWHEN WOMEN DO THIS, TOO.

LIKE, I FELL FOR THE WHOLE,YOU KNOW, "I'M JUST LIKE A GUY."

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

I TOOK HER TO SEETHE MOVIE "TRANSFORMERS."

[ LAUGHTER ]

NO, I DID. I FELL FOR IT.

SHE'S LIKE, "OH,LET'S GO SEE 'TRANSFORMERS.'"

I'M LIKE, "ALL RIGHT."SHE GOES, "ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

I LOVE 'TRANSFORMERS.'I GREW UP ON THEM."

THIS WAS HER THE WHOLE MOVIE.

"UH, THIS IS STUPID."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"I DON'T GET IT. THIS IS DU--"

I GOT MAD.

I'M LIKE, "THAT'S OPTIMUS PRIME.SHOW SOME RESPECT."

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

AND THEN SHE GOT MAD'CAUSE MEGAN FOX WAS HOT.

LIKE, THE MINUTE SHE POPPED ONTHE SCREEN, SHE WAS LIKE...

[ CLICKS TONGUE, SCOFFS ]

[ LAUGHTER ]

"OH, GOD. UGH."

AND THEN, WHEN SHE MENTIONEDSHE WAS LIKE 18,

SHE'S LIKE, "THAT'S BULL CRAP!THERE'S NO WAY SHE'S 18."

"REALLY? THAT'S BULL CRAP?

"WHAT ABOUT THE 18-WHEELERTRYING TO SAVE THE PLANET?

THAT, WE CAN BELIEVE?"

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

WE'RE THE WORST WHEN WE GO OUT,

'CAUSE WE ALWAYS WANT YOUTO THINK WE'RE IN THE MOB,

SO WE'RE ALWAYS PAYINGFOR STUFF, YOU KNOW?

EVER SEE WHEN WE GO OUT?

ALWAYS LIKE,

[ New York accent ] "I GOT IT.DON'T WORRY 'BOUT IT."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"I GOT IT. I GOT IT.WHAT ARE YOU..."

[ Normal voice ] WE ALWAYS GETEMBARRASSED IF YOU TRY --

[ New York accent ] "WHAT,ARE YOU TRYING TO EMBARRASS ME

IN FRONT OF EVERYBODY?"

[ LAUGHS ]

"I GOT IT! WHAT ARE YOU DOIN'?I GOT IT!

[ Normal voice ]LIKE YOU'RE OFFENDING THEM...

"NO, LET ME PUT --"

[ New York accent ]"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

YOU EMBARRASS ME IN FRONTOF THE WHOLE RESTAURANT?"

"I GOT IT! I GOT IT!DON'T EMB--"

"PUT YOUR MONEY AWAY!PUT YOUR..."

[ Normal voice ]THAT'S WHY WE LOVE, LIKE,

WHEN WE GO OUT TO CLUBS,LIKE, ME AND MY FRIENDS --

ITALIANS LOVE BOTTLE SERVICE,TOO, BY THE WAY.

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU KNOW THAT.

THEY THINK THAT'S THE CLASSIESTTHING IN THE WORLD.

MY FRIENDS ARE ALWAYS LIKE,

[ New York accent ]"YO, WE SHOULD GO OUT TONIGHT.

COME ON.LET'S GET A TABLE!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

"LET'S GET A TA--"

[ Normal voice ]AND, BY THE WAY, IF YOU'RE DOINGTHAT, YOU'RE A MORON, OKAY?

YOU'RE A MORON.

YOU EVER GO TO A CLUBAND THEY'RE, LIKE, DEMANDING?

THEY'RE LIKE, "HEY, SO, UH,YOU KNOW, HOW DO WE GET IN?"

"THERE'S 2-BOTTLE, UH, COVER --2-BOTTLE LIMIT.

YOU GOT TO PURCHASE TWO BOTTLES,OR WE'RE NOT LETTING YOU IN."

"HOW MUCH IS IT A BOTTLE?"

"$1,000."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"YOUR COVER CHARGE IS $2,000?"

HOW ABOUT I GO TO 'CLUB LIQUORSTORE' AND GET, YOU KNOW..."

OR MY FRIENDS WILL COME IN...

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

NO, BUT MY FRIENDS WILL STEP IN.

I'M LIKE,"YEAH, WELL, $2,000 --"

[ New York accent ] "DON'T.YOU'RE EMBARRASSING EVERYBODY."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"NOW COME ON, WE'LL GET A TABLE.LET'S GET A TABLE!"

[ Normal voice ] ANDITALIANS LOVE MEZZANINES, TOO.

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU KNOW THAT.

[ New York accent ]"COME ON, YOU GOT A TABLEUP IN THE MEZZANINE?"

[ LAUGHS ]

"COME ON! LET'S GET A TABLEIN THE MEZZANINE!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

"WELL, WE'RE IN THE V.I.P.!WE GOT A TABLE!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ Normal voice ]COLOGNE EVERYWHERE.

THEN, OF COURSE, THERE HAS TO BEA PICTURE AT THE TABLE.

[ Chuckling ]THEY ALWAYS POSE PICTURESOF THEMSELVES IN THE CLUB.

WE LIKE POSING,BUT WITH THE GUIDO LIPS, LIKE...

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

ITALIANS LOVE THAT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

IT'S LIKE,"SMELL HOW AWESOME I AM."

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

JUST LET US BE DUDES, LADIES.STOP!

IT'S GETTING OUT OF CONTROL.

THIS WHOLE HOMOGENIZED GENDEREVERYBODY'S TRYING -- NO!

WOMEN ARESTARTING TO ACT LIKE MEN,

AND MEN ARESTARTING TO ACT LIKE WOMEN.

IT'S ALL GETTING SCREWED UP.

LET'S ALL JUSTPUT THE BRAKES ON.

STOP -- NO, I'M SAYING,

'CAUSE WOMEN MAKE MEN DO STUFFWE DON'T USUALLY DO,

LIKE GET HEALTH INSURANCE...

[ LAUGHTER ]

...DRESS FOR HALLOWEEN.

[ LAUGHTER ]

THE GIRL I'M CLIPPING NOW,SHE'S LIKE,

"HEY, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO GO FORFOR HALLOWEEN?"

I'M LIKE...

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

[ Chuckling ]WHAT ARE YOU GUYS CLAPPING AT?

THE GIRL I'M SEEING NOW...

[ LAUGHTER ]

...SHE'S LIKE,"LET'S GO OUT FOR HALLOWEEN.

YOU KNOW, LET'S DRESS UP.WHAT DO YOU WANT TO GO AS?"

I'M LIKE, "HOW ABOUTA GROWN MAN? HOW ABOUT THAT?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

NAH, 'CAUSE THEY MAKE USDO STUFF WE SHOULDN'T.

THERE'S CERTAIN THINGS, AS MEN,YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO DO,

LIKE YOU DON'T SENDTHANK-YOU CARDS -- NO.

MY EX USED TO DO THATALL THE TIME.

SHE WAS ALWAYS TRYING

TO GET ME TO SENDTHANK-YOU CARDS TO MY FRIENDS.

"YOU SHOULD SEND YOUR BUDDY JAKEA THANK-YOU CARD."

"THAT WAS NICE,WHEN WE WERE HOME,

FOR HIM TO DRIVE US AROUND."

"LOOK, I'M NOT THANKING JAKE,ALL RIGHT? HE'S A DICK.

"NOT TO MENTION, IF YOU WANT METO KEEP HIM AS A FRIEND,

"THE LAST THING HE'S GONNA WANTIS A CARD

WITH TWO KITTENS ON IT,SAYING HE'S 'PURRIFIC.'"

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

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