Tuesday, April 1, 2014

  • 04/01/2014

Kumail Nanjiani, Thomas Middleditch and T.J. Miller celebrate April Fools' Day with David Hasselhoff, list #FailedApps and tweet as a redneck possum.

>> Chris: IT'S 11:59 AND 59

SECONDS.

THIS HAPPENED

ON GOOGLE PLUS TODAY.

AS AN APRIL FOOL'S STUNT,

GOOGLE PLUS ADDED DAVID

HASSELHOFF PHOTOBOMBS TO

PICTURES THAT USERS UPLOADED

TODAY, LIKE THIS ONE, OR THIS

ONE AT THE BEACH RIGHT THERE,

HANGING OUT.

I DID ONE MYSELF.

THIS IS WHAT THAT LOOKS LIKE.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

WHAT?

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

HANG ON, HANG ON.

BUT SADLY, APRIL FOOL'S DAY IS

NOW OVER.

(LAUGHTER)

HOFF!

IT'S OVER.

>> OH, IT'S OVER.

>> Chris: YEAH, SORRY.

>> SO YOU WANT ME TO "EFF HOFF?"

>> Chris: YEAH, I'M SORRY.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> THANK YOU.

>> Chris: THANK YOU.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: IT IS AMAZING THAT

THAT MAN WENT ALL OVER THE WORLD

TO BE IN EVERYONE'S PHOTOGRAPHS.

HEADLINES, IT'S RAPID REFRESH.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

IN DISHONOR OF APRIL FOOL'S,

THE INTERNET MADE A VARIETY OF

PARODY VIDEOS SINCE IT'S THE ONE

DAY EVERYONE CAN BE HACKY.

SOUTHWEST OFFERED ROUNDTRIP

FLIGHTS TO MARS.

THERE'S THAT.

YOU CAN SIT NEXT TO A SCREAMING

BABY FOR FOUR YEARS.

NETFLIX MADE A 73-MINUTE VIDEO

OF A CHICKEN GETTING COOKED

ON A ROTISSERIE.

>> IT WAS PRETTY GOOD.

>> Chris: WE GOT IN ON IT.

OVER AT NERDIST, WE CREATED A

ROSETTA STONE LANGUAGE VIDEO

FOR KLINGON, WHICH WAS

A LOT OF FUN.

WHICH SHOULD BE A THING.

THAT'S MICHAEL DORN, AKA WORF.

WEB MD, HOWEVER, HAS NOT YET

PARTICIPATED.

(AUDIENCE REACTS)

COMEDIANS, WHAT SHOULD WEB MD'S

APRIL FOOL'S PRANK HAVE BEEN?

KUMAIL.

>> TURNS OUT EVERY TIME WE SAID

IT WAS CANCER IT WAS ACTUALLY

AIDS.

APRIL FOOL'S, IT WAS DOUBLE

AIDS.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS.

THOMAS.

>> THEY WENT ALL RELIGIOUS

AND EVERY TREATMENT OPTION

IS 100 MILLIGRAMS OF PRAYER!

>> Chris: YES, POINTS.

T.J. MILLER.

>> EVERYTHING YOU ASK ABOUT,

IT JUST REPLIES,

"YOU'RE FINE, YOU'RE FINE."

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: POINTS.

YES, KUMAIL.

>> I AM STILL REALLY NERVOUS

AFTER SEEING DAVID HASSELHOFF.

(LAUGHTER)

I CAN'T GET OVER IT!

HE'S RIGHT THERE!

>> Chris: HE'S LIKE A HUMAN

BEING.

HE'S A PERSON.

>> I DON'T WANT TO RUIN IT,

BUT YOU GOTTA SEE THE END

OF THAT NETFLIX CHICKEN VIDEO.

>> Chris: SPOILERS, BRO!

SPOILERS!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

WHY DID YOU JUST SHOW THEM A

CHICKEN SALAD SANDWICH YOU TOOK

FROM THE CRAFT SERVICE TABLE?

>> HEY CHRIS, IF YOU WANT TO

THROW SOME POINTS THIS WAY...

(LAUGHTER)

>> BUT CHRIS, JUST IN CASE,

I GOT A LITTLE CHIPS FOR YOU.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: WOW!

THAT SWEETENS THE POT.

>> YEAH, BABY.

YEAH, BABY.

>> Chris: WHOA!

OH YEAH, EAT THOSE CHIPS

WITHOUT SALSA!

DO IT DRY, MAN!

ROCK ON THOSE CHIPS!

>> I LOVE THE IDEA OF BEING AT A

PARTY AND SOMEONE IS LIKE,

"SALSA?" AND YOU'RE LIKE,

"I EAT THEM DRY."

(LAUGHTER)

>> I LIKE THEM LIKE

I LIKE MY WOMEN: DRY.

(LAUGHTER)

LET'S MOVE ON.

businessinsider.com PLAYED THE

GREATEST PRANK OF ALL TODAY BY

ANNOUNCING THE VERY REAL STORY

THAT WASHINGTON, D.C.

WAS DECRIMINALIZING POT.

(CHEERING)

HANG ON!

THIS LEAVES STONERS IN A VERY

PRECARIOUS SITUATION WONDERING

WHETHER OR NOT THEY CAN LIGHT UP

OR THEY WILL GET TASED BY A COP

YELLING "APRIL FOOL'S, BITCH!"

(LAUGHTER)

NOW, THE UNOFFICIAL MOTTO OF

WASHINGTON, D.C. IS "TAXATION

WITHOUT REPRESENTATION,"

WHICH IS FEATURED ON THEIR

LICENSE PLATE.

NOW THAT POT HAS BEEN

DECRIMINALIZED, WHAT SHOULD THE

MOTTO ON THE D.C. LICENSE PLATES

BE NOW?

KUMAIL?

>> ARE YOU FOLLOWING ME?

YOU'RE FOLLOWING ME.

(LAUGHTER)

ARE YOU A COP?

IF YOU'RE A COP,

YOU HAVE TO TELL ME.

>> Chris: POINTS.

THOMAS MIDDLEDITCH.

>> WASHINGTON, D.C.,

WHERE, UM...

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: POINTS!

T.J.

>> (JAMAICAN ACCENT):

WASHINGTON, D.C., SMOKE SOME

OF THAT OBAMA MARIJUANA!

KISS KISS TO THE SKY!

(CHEERING)

OH, BUDDY, BUDDY.

YOU WANT TO SMOKE THAT WEED,

COME TO THE CAPITAL.

WE HAVE THE LONGEST LICENSE

PLATES.

WE HAVE TO EXTEND THEM

TO THE EUROPEAN KIND.

YOU EVER SEEN RONIN?

(LAUGHTER)

#HASHTAGWARS.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

SO AS YOU MAY OR MAY NOT KNOW,

OUR COMEDIANS TONIGHT ARE THE

STARS OF HBO'S UPCOMING SERIES

"SILICON VALLEY," SO IN HONOR OF

THE GREAT MINDS OF MODERN

TECHNOLOGY, TONIGHT'S HASHTAG

IS #FAILEDAPPS.

(AUDIENCE MEMBER REACTS)

OH!

(LAUGHTER)

WE'RE ON A LITTLE THIN ICE

WITH THIS ONE.

"WHERE IS THIS GOING TO GO?

DON'T MAKE FUN OF MY FAVORITE

APPS."

>> "I DIDN'T SIGN UP FOR THIS!"

>> Chris: "IS ANYTHING SACRED

ANYMORE?

APPS? COME ON, MAN.

RETRACT THE CLAUSE, WOLVERINE."

EXAMPLES WOULD BE "ANGRY TURDS,"

"DUCK FACETIME," OR "FAPCHAT,"

WHICH IS REALLY JUST SNAPCHAT.

(LAUGHTER)

I'M PUTTING 60 SECONDS ON THE

CLOCK, AND GO.

KUMAIL.

>> SHAZAM FOR FARTS.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: SO YOU IDENTIFY

PEOPLE.

>> AND WHAT THEY ATE.

>> Chris: YES, POINTS,

WELL DONE.

T.J.

>> KU-MANY PRONUNCIATIONS.

IT'S ALL DIFFERENT WAYS TO

PRONOUNCE KUMAIL'S NAME.

KUMALE, IT IS KUMALI?

I THINK IT'S KUMEAL.

(CHEERING)

>> Chris: POINTS, POINTS.

THOMAS.

>> URBAN POON.

>> Chris: YES, POINTS, SURE.

KUMAIL.

>> ANGRY NERDS, IT'S PICTURES

OF YOU ATTACKING PIGS.

(APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: "YOU'RE NOT A NERD,

CHRIS HARDWICK!"

POINTS.

T.J.?

>> INSTAGRAM MOTHER.

(LAUGHTER)

IT'S JUST INSTAGRAM PICTURES

OF ALL THE SWEET GRANDMAMAS.

>> Chris: YES, POINTS!

YOU KNOW HOW I LIKE THE DRY

ONES!

(LAUGHTER)

>> NO!

DON'T APPLAUD IT!

>> YOU GOT A CHICKEN SALAD

SANDWICH COMING RIGHT YOUR WAY.

>> Chris: I HOPE THEY DIDN'T

PUT THE MAYO ON IT.

(LAUGHTER)

KUMAIL.

>> HUH?

WHAT ARE WE DOING?

>> Chris: FAILED APPS.

>> OH, JOHN WILKES PHOTOBOOTH,

AND IT'S JUST SHOTS

OF THE BACK OF YOUR HEAD.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: WELL DONE!

"APRIL FOOL'S OR JUST JAPAN."

(CHEERING)AMERICA LOVES APRIL FOOL'S DAY,

BUT IN JAPAN THEY TAKETHAT (BLEEP) AS SERIOUS

AS A MOTHRA ATTACK.

I'M GONNA SHOW YOU A PICTURE OFSOMETHING JAPANESE AND YOU TELL

ME IF IT'S A JAPANESE APRILFOOL'S PRANK OR JUST ANOTHER DAY

IN JAPAN.

THE FIRST ONE,RED BULL BATH POWDER.

SURE, WHY NOT?

APRIL FOOL'S OR JUST JAPAN?

KUMAIL.

>> THAT IS AN APRIL FOOL'S JOKE.

>> Chris: THAT IS, IN FACT,AN APRIL FOOL'S JOKE.

(APPLAUSE)>> YOU KNOW WHY?

BECAUSE YOU CAN EASILY JUSTDRINK RED BULL IN THE SHOWER.

>> YOU'RE JUST GETTING REALLYHYPED UP TO TOWEL OFF.

(GROANING)>> Chris: GOT MY WINGS!

ALL RIGHT, NEXT ONE:HOW ABOUT BEER FOR CHILDREN?

IT'S NOT LIKE THEY HAVE ADRIVER'S LICENSE, THEY DON'T

HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT DRIVING.

APRIL FOOL'S OR JUST JAPAN?

T.J.

>> THIS IS JUST JAPAN.

>> Chris: YEAH, THIS IS JUSTJAPAN.

♪ THERE'S A COMMERCIAL FOR IT.

(LAUGHTER)WHO NEEDS TO WORRY ABOUT

CALORIES AT THAT AGE?

>> SEE HOW THAT KID'S JUST LIKE,"DAMN, MOTHER(BLEEP)ER!

THAT'S SOME GOOD (BLEEP)."

I DON'T KNOW WHY HE'S TALKINGLIKE THAT, THOUGH.

>> Chris: "YOU KNOW WHAT'S GREATABOUT BEING A KID IN JAPAN?

EVERYONE IS SO CLOSE YOU CANJUST HUG MOTHER(BLEEP)ERS ALL

DAY LONG."

OKAY, NEXT ONE:AIR CONDITIONED PANTS.

PLEASE LET THESE BE REAL.

APRIL FOOL'S OR JUST JAPAN,KUMAIL?

>> I MEAN... WOW.

>> Chris: THAT LOOKS LIKE THEDHARMA INITIATIVE, FIRST OF ALL.

>> THAT'S JUST AN APRIL FOOL'SJOKE BECAUSE WHERE WOULD YOU

PLUG IT IN, IN YOUR BUTT?

RIGHT?

>> Chris: THAT COULD BE PARTOF THE VENTILATION PROCESS.

THESE ARE ACTUALLY JUST JAPAN.

THESE ARE REAL.

(AUDIENCE REACTS)>> I KNEW IT.

>> Chris: AND SOLD OUT, BY THEWAY, THEY'RE SOLD OUT.

>> HEY MAN, I GET SOME HOTTHIGHS.

(LAUGHTER)YOU'RE TALKING TO A GIRL

AND GETTING NERVOUSAND IT'S LIKE, "VROOM."

(LAUGHTER)"SORRY, MY LEGS ARE GETTING HOT.

I CAN'T HEAR YOU, WHAT?

HERE, GO DOWN AND TALK INTO MYTHIGH.

IT SOUNDS LIKE DARTH VADER."

BEFORE THE BREAK, I SHOWED YOU

THE NEW MASCOT FOR THE AA

AFFILIATE ANAHEIM ANGELS TEAM

AND ASKED YOU TO WRITE

ITS FIRST TWEET.

I MEAN, IT'S REALLY NOT...

YOU KNOW, I'M FROM TENNESSEE

AND THIS IS BULL(BLEEP).

LET'S SEE WHAT YOU GUYS WROTE.

THOMAS.

(APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT, T.J.

OH MY GOD, YOU SHOULD BE

THE VOICE OF THAT THING.

KUMAIL.

(APPLAUSE)

>> #BUTTS!

>> Chris: I GOTTA GIVE...

DAMN, I LOVED ALL OF THOSE.

>> HEY, CHRIS.

>> Chris: WHAT?

(CHEERING)

1,000 POINTS FOR EVERYBODY!

1,000 POINTS ACROSS THE BOARD!

(APPLAUSE)

THE DEADLINE TO SIGN UP FOR

OBAMACARE ONLINE WAS YESTERDAY,

WHICH MEANS A LOT OF PEOPLE

WHO MISSED THE DEADLINE ARE

GOING TO BE FLOCKING TO WEBMD.

WHY DEAL WITH ACTUAL HEALTHCARE

WHEN YOU CAN DIAGNOSE HERPES

YOURSELF?

COMEDIANS, I WANT YOU TO GIVE ME

AS MANY DUMB MEDICAL QUESTIONS

TO WEBMD AS YOU CAN.

60 SECONDS, AND GO.

THOMAS.

>> MY WIFE GETS HEADACHES

WHEN I GET BONERS.

ARE MY BONERS CAUSING HER

HEADACHES, OR ARE HER HEADACHES

CAUSING MY BONERS?

>> Chris: POINTS.

T.J.

>> I'M FLAVING TROUBLE FLYVING.

(LAUGHTER)

WHAT'S CRON WITH ME?

WHAT'S CRON WITH ME?

>> Chris: POINTS.

(LAUGHTER)

"I'M FLAVING TROUBLE FLYVING."

KUMAIL?

>> IS IT TOO LATE TO GET AN

ABORTION?

IT'S IN THE THIRD GRADE.

(AUDIENCE REACTS)

>> Chris: POINTS!

IT'S IN THE THIRD GRADE.

THOMAS.

>> WHAT'S THE BEST TOOL TO

REMOVE A KIDNEY

IN HOME DEPOT NOW?

PLEASE REPLY QUICK.

>> Chris: POINTS!

KUMAIL.

>> SERIOUSLY, IS DAVID

HASSELHOFF STILL IN THE

BUILDING?

>> Chris: IT'S A FAIR QUESTION,

POINTS.

KUMAIL?

>> IF SOMEONE DRINKS AN ENTIRE

BOTTLE OF DRANO, WHERE DO I HIDE

MY WIFE'S BODY?

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

T.J.?

>> ARE THESE LEGS?

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS!

(BUZZER)

>> NO PICTURE ATTACHED.

>> Chris: NO PICTURE, POINTS.

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