Wednesday, July 1, 2015

  • 07/01/2015

Brian Posehn, James Adomian and Arden Myrin come down with #ComicConAilments, get infuriated with innocuous videos and air their frustrations with the British.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'SINTERNET HEADLINES IT'S

RAPID REFRESH.

>> ORANGE YELLING MACHINEDONALD TRUMP IS HAVING A

REAL [BLEEP] WEEK.

ON MONDAY NBC FIRED HIM FROM"THE APPRENTICE" OVER SOME

HORRIBLY OFFENSIVE COMMENTS HEMADE ABOUT MEXICAN IMMIGRANTS.

TODAY MACY'S SEVERED TIES WITHTHIS NARCISSISTIC HUMAN AIRHORN.

(APPLAUSE)THERE HE IS RIGHT THERE

PROBABLY IMAGINING A WORLDWITHOUT MINORITIES.

TRUMP IMMEDIATELY TOOK TOTWITTER TO SHOW US ALL HOW

DIGNIFIED AND PRESIDENTIALHE IS BY TROLLING MACY'S FOR

BEING PERFECTLY REASONABLEFOR ALL THOSE WHO WANT TO

#MAKEAMERICAGREATAGAIN,BOYCOTT @MACY'S, THEY

ARE WEAK ON BORDER SECURITYAND STOPPING ILLEGAL

IMMIGRATION.

WHY THE [BLEEP] IS THATMACY'S JOB?

(LAUGHTER)RIDICULOUS.

>> WE NEED TO TAKE IN THESEAMS ON THAT BORDER.

(LAUGHTER)THE MEXICAN PEOPLE ALSO

CHIMED IN ON TRUMP'SIGNORANT COMMENTS BY TURNING

HIM INTO THEIR MOST BELOVEDPARTY ACCOUTREMENT.

THE PINATA.

(APPLAUSE)ALTHOUGH THIS IS-- YOU DON'T

WANT TO BE STANDING UNDERTHAT ONE WHEN IT BREAKS OPEN

AND THEN IT JUST RAINS[BLEEP] DOWN ON YOU.

>> I WOULDN'T EAT CANDY OUTOF EITHER ONE OF THOSE.

(LAUGHTER)STILL TRUMP KEEPS SLOGGING

AHEAD WITH HIS PRESIDENTIALCAMPAIGN RUNNING UNDER THE

SLOGAN "MAKE AMERICA GREATAGAIN."

WHAT THE [BLEEP] DOES THATMEAN?

I KNOW WHAT THE WORDS MEAN.

BUT THAT IS JUST A VAGUE CONCEPTSO THAT MOUTH BREATHEY

PEOPLE GO, "I WANT TO MAKEAMERICA GREAT AGAIN."

LIKE I DON'T-- COMEDIANS,WHAT IS A BETTER SLOGAN FOR

TRUMP'S DEATH MARCH OF ACAMPAIGN?

>> VOTE TRUMP, AMERICA'SDRUNK, RACIST UNCLE.

>> YES, POINTS.

>> I MEAN LIKE WHENEVERSOMEONE STARTS A SENTENCE

WITH "THE THING ABOUT THEMEXICANS," YOU NEED TO STOP

TALKING RIGHT NOW AND DO NOTFINISH THAT SENTENCE.

>> BRIAN POSEHN.

>> VOTE FOR ME, I HAVEN'TTOLD YOU WHAT I THINK OF

ARMENIANS YET.

>> POINTS.

>> HAS NOT WEIGH IN.

>> MR. ADOMIAN, AS OURRESIDENT ARMENIAN WHAT DO

YOU THINK HE'LL SAY?

>> I HAVE NEVER HEARD OF 'EMSO I DON'T LIKE 'EM.

>> I'LL GIVE YOU A HUNDRED EXTRAPOINTS FOR THAT.

ALL RIGHT, OLIVER STONEBOUGHT HIMSELF A NEW WRITING

HAMMER AND BANGED OUT A NEWMOVIE CALLED "SNOWDEN," ABOUT

THE COMPUTER NERD WHO ALMOSTBROUGHT DOWN THE AMERICAN

GOVERNMENT OR WHATEVER.

WE HAVE A CLIP OF THETRAILER HERE, JACK, LET'S

GET STONED.

>> GUYS, THIS MOVIE COULDNOT BE OLIVER STONIER.

AND I'M VERY EXCITED BECAUSEJOSEPH GORDEN LEVITT IS IN

IT. HE IS AWESOME, ANAMAZING ACTOR AND A GOOD

DUDE.

BUT HERE'S THE REALLY FUNPART, NICHOLAS CAGE IS IN

IT.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)HE'S OUR GOD.

SO WE WERE WONDERING WHATPART HE COULD POSSIBLY BE

HAM-FISTING HIS WAY THROUGH.

SO WE FIRED UP THE OLD IMDBAND GUESS WHAT, IT'S BLANK.

SO COMEDIANS, AS NICHOLASCAGE, PLEASE DELIVER YOUR

FIRST LINE FROM THE EDWARDSNOWDEN MOVIE.

>> HEY, EDWARD IT'S ME,NICHOLAS CAGE. MY NEW TEETH

AND I THINK YOU'RE A REALNATIONAL TREASURE.

>> NICE, OH, GOOD.

>> THANK YOU.

>> POINTS.

>> BECAUSE ARDEN, THE CLUESARE ON THE MONEY.

FROM NATIONAL -->> IS THAT FROM ONE OF HIS

MOVIES?>> FROM NATIONAL TREASURE.

>> I'M SORRY, BRIAN, YOU'REWRONG. "NATIONAL TREASURE" IS

ACTUALLY A REALLY GOOD MOVIE.

>> IT'S REALLY GOOD.

>> NATIONAL TREASURE.

>> IT IS, IT'S REALLY GOOD.

>> YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND,IT'S LIKE THE "DA VINCI

CODE" BUT BETTER AND ABOUTHISTORY, IN AMERICA.

>> AND THE GUY FROM "GIGLI" ISIN IT.

>> NONE OF THAT SOLD ME.>> AND SEAN BEAN IS IN IT.

>> OH THAT GUY.

>> YEAH, HE'S GREAT.

HE DOESN'T DIE IN THE MOVIE.

>> THEY GO UNDERGROUND.

>> AND THEY LOOK AT CLUES,OF HISTORY.

>> UNDER THE GROUND.

>> THE NATIONAL TREASURE.

>> THEY FIND THE NATIONALTREASURE.

>> ALL RIGHT.

>> THEY GOT THAT [BLEEP] ONNETFLIX?

>> YEAH.

>> IT'S NOW TIME FOR THE#HASHTAGWARS.

I AM VERY EXCITED.

WE'RE GOING TO BE ON BREAKNEXT WEEK. I WILL BE GOING

TO COMIC-CON 2015 IN SANDIEGO.

MODERATING A TON OF PANELSAND DOING LIVE SHOWS AND

HAVING ALL SORTS OF FUN ANDBASKING IN ALL THE FANTASTIC

NERDERY AND TRAMPLING VARIOUSNINE-YEAR-OLDS FOR RARE

POKEMON CARDS.

WE WANT TO WARN YOU AGAINSTDANGEROUS STRAINS OF

BACTERIA YOU MIGHT COME INCONTACT WITH.

IT DOESN'T MATTER--IT'S LIKE150,000 PEOPLE DESCEND AND

YOU ARE TIGHTLY PACKED INWITH THEM.

YOU ALWAYS COME AWAY WITHSOME KIND OF A COLD.

WE CALL IT THE NERD FLU.

WE SAY YOU COME AWAY WITHTHE NERD FLU.

WE WANT YOU TO BE SAFE THISYEAR.

TAKE YOUR VITAMINS, TAKE YOURAIRBORNES BECAUSE TONIGHT'S

HASHTAG IS #COMICCONAILMENTS.

EXAMPLES INCLUDE: TOXIC SPOCKSYNDROME OR JURASSIC PARKINSONS

OR STAR SORES.

I'M GONNA PUT 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK, AND BEGIN.

>> ADOMIAN.

>> COSPLAGUE.

>> HALL H PTSD>> LORD OF THE RINGWORM

>> SEGA-THELIOMA.

>> ECZEMA MEN.

>> POINTS. POSEHN.

>> LOGAN'S RUNS.

>> YES.

>> POINTS.

>> FOUR-EYE-ASIS.>> ARDEN.

>> PANEL WARTS.>> YES, POINTS.

>> DEVIATED SEPTICON.

ALL RIGHT, IT'S TIME TO PLAYSTINK PIECE, STINK PIECE.

IT SEEMS LIKE THERE IS ANONLINE ARMS RACE GOING ON

TO SEE WHO CAN BE MOSTOFFENDED BY A PIECE OF

INNOCUOUS POP CULTURE FROM LENADUNHAM'S WARDROBE TO LOUIS

C.K.'S SNL MONOLOGUE OR THE FACTTHAT, IN "JURRASIC WORLD," CHRIS

PRATT DOESN'T ONCE ASK HISRAPTORS IF THEY HAD PEANUT

ALLERGIES. COMEDIANS,

SINCE THE INTERNET LOVES TOBE OUTRAGED--AND THEY DON'T JUST

LOVE IT, THEY'RE [BLEEP]ADDICTED TO IT--I WILL SHOW YOU

A SEEMINGLY INNOCUOUSYOUTUBE VIDEO AND FOR 250 POINTS

YOU TELL ME WHY IT'SOFFENSIVE TO YOU.

WHY IT'S OFFENSIVE.

FIRST ONE, THIS TRULYTASTELESS TUTORIAL.

>> HI, MY NAME IS JULIE ANDI AM GOING TO DEMONSTRATE

SHY LAUGHTER FOR YOU.

>> I AM SO OFFENDED.ADOMIAN.

>>THERE IS NOTHING FUNNY ABOUTMENOPAUSE.

(APPLAUSE)THAT IS ALSO THE NAME OF MY

TUMBLR.

>> HOW DARE HER. MY MOM DIEDIN THAT BLOUSE.

POINTS.

>> WHO'S TAKING THIS CLASSTOO, LIKE WHO IS ACTUALLY, I

FEEL LIKE SHE'S TEACHING ACLASS.

>> IT'S A VERY LONELY CLASS.

>> YOU KNOW WHAT IS ON THEOTHER SIDE? 30 CATS.

NEXT ONE.

THIS FOUL ART PROJECT.

>> I EAT LITTLE BABY'S ICECREAM.

IT KEEPS ME YOUNG.

IT KEEPS ME LIGHT ON MY FEET.

>> THIS IS AN OUTRAGE.

ARDEN.

>> HOW DARE YOU MAKE ICECREAM UN[BLEEP]ABLE FOR ME?

>> POINTS.

>> NEXT ONE.

>> THIS SICKENING CHURCHSINGER, SO MAD.

♪ ♪ COME ON MY HOLY SPIRIT ♪

♪ ♪ .

>> WORSE THAN HITLER.

>> AS A HIGH-VOICED AMERICAN,I RESENT HIM REPRESENTING US

ROCKING FULL CAMEL-BALLS.

>> YES.

>> NEXT ONE THIS SINFULTUNE.

♪ ♪ .

>> GUY-GUY-CAT IS A VERYPROBLEMATIC THREESOME.

>> POINTS.

>> NEXT ONE, THIS SEXUALLYEXPLICIT TUNE.

>> CALL ME CRAZY BUT IF APIZZA IS GOING TO WAVE HIS

BALLS AT ME I PREFER THATTHEY BE GLUTEN-FREE.

>> POINTS.

>> I CAN SEE HOW THE LASTONE COULD BE POTENTIALLY

OFFENSIVE BUT HERE'S A VIDEOFOR THE POWER PLAYERS. SEE

IF YOU CAN GET RILED UP WITHTHIS [BLEEP] HOLE.

>> GOD!

OH!

GOD [BLEEP].

>> THIS BIRD TOLD ME HE HAD ACONDO DOWN IN THE KEYS. NEXT

THING YOU KNOW I HAD HPV AND THEAVIAN BIRD FLU.

>> POINTS.

>> [BLEEP] YOU BIRDS. IIDENTIFY AS ANTI-CUTE.

>> YEAH, POINTS.

WE WANTED TO SEE IF THEDIGITAL TEAM COULD MAKE THIS

CUTESY BIRD INTO SOMETHINGACTUALLY WORTHY OF YOUR OUTRAGE

SO WE HAD HIM DO THIS.

>> WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING ATMOTHER [BLEEP] YOU FILTHY

PIECE OF HORSE[BLEEP]. THAT[BLEEP] OBAMA [BLEEP] ISIS ALL

THE WAY BACK TO [BLEEP] TOWN. GOBACK TO SINGLED OUT [BLEEP]

HARDWICK, MOTHER[BLEEP].

BEFORE THE BREAK, I SHOWEDYOU THE TWEETS OF SOME FOLKS

WHO WERE DEVASTATED BY ACELEBRITY BREAKUP BUT ASKED

YOU TO TWEET AS A TEEN WHOSEPARENTS JUST SPLIT UP. LET'S

SEE YOU WHAT CAME UP WITH.

ARDEN.

>> YOU GUYS, I LITERALLYCANNOT EVEN. ROGER AND KAREN

DRAMA NEVER ENDS. #BYE#SORRYNOTSORRY #TEAMKAREN.

>> THAT'S AWESOME.(APPLAUSE)

>> BRIAN.

>> WTF, MOM AND DAD AREGETTING A DIVORCE, #LOVELOSES.

>>> OMG, MOM AND DADSPLITSVILLE SUCKS SO MUCH.

I HOPE THEY BOTH MARRYJENNIFER GARNER AND BEN

AFFLECK.

AS WE GO

TO OUR NEXT GAME, OTHERBRITISH GRIEVANCES.

ON JULY 4TH, 1776 HEROICAMERICANS RISKED THEIR LIVES

TO BREAK FREE FROM THEBRITISH TYRANNY AND TODAY

WE COMMEMORATE THEIRSACRIFICE BY BINGE DRINKING

MICHELOB UNTIL SOMEONEBLOWS OFF THEIR THUMB

WITH A [BLEEP] ROMAN CANDLE.

OF COURSE, THE BRITISH ARE INOUR COOL BOOK NOW BECAUSE OF

WORLD WAR II AND THE BEATLES,BUT

LET'S NOT FORGET WHAT A[BLEEP] KING GEORGE WAS BACK

IF THE DAY--THE THIRD ONE,KING GEORGE THE THIRD.

ALL RIGHT, FOR EXAMPLE, HEPLUNDERED OUR SEAS, RAVAGED

OUR COAST, BURNED OUR TOWNSAND DESTROYED THE LIVES OF

OUR PEOPLE.

WE ARE ABSOLVED FROM OURALLEGIANCE TO THE BRITISH

CROWN.

[BLEEP] YEAH, AMERICA.

>> THAT IS-- THAT IS A[BLEEP]TON OF GRIEVANCES, AND

IT WAS WRITTEN 239 YEARS AGOSO, THERE MUST BE SOME MORE

RECENT STUFF THE BRITISH DOTO PISS US OFF.

IN THE SPIRIT OF OURNATION'S INDEPENDENCE, GIVE

US UPDATED BRITISH-- OH MYGOD, YOUR HAIR.

PLEASE GIVE US SOME UPDATEDOTHER BRITISH GRIEVANCES

IN 60 SECONDS AND BEGIN.

>> ARDEN.

>> THEY HAVE ALLOWED"CUMBERBATCH" TO BE A LAST

NAME.

>> POINTS.

>> IS THAT SHEERAN KIDBRITISH?

>> I THINK SO.

>> POINTS.

>> CALLING A PRESIDENTA PRIME MINISTER?

>> COME ON.

>> SIMON COWELL'S POINTYNIPS.

THEY'RE SO POINTY.

>> A TRAVESTY.

>> POINTS.

>> WHAT ABOUT [BLEEP]MUMFORD AND SONS?

>> POINTS.

>> I ALWAYS HATED "ABSOLUTELYFABULOUS."

>> WHAT?

>> NO, THAT'S A GOOD SHOW.

>> YOU'RE [BLEEP] WRONG.

>> YOU'RE WRONG AGAIN.

JUST LIKE YOU WERE WRONGABOUT "NATIONAL TREASURE."

>> TOOTH ROT.

>> POINTS.

>> THEY SMOKE FAGS AND EATDICKS.

(LAUGHTER)POINTS.