Comedy Central Presents
Season 10

CC Presents: Greg Fitzsimmons

  • Season 10, Ep 8
  • 03/16/2006

WOW, WHAT A GREAT HOUSE. THIS IS FUN.

IT'S GOOD TO BE BACK INNEW YORK, MY HOMETOWN.

I'VE BEEN OUTTA HERE FOR A WHILE.

[CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

AND IT'S NICE TO BE BACK. THE CITY HAS CALMED DOWN.

LAST TIME I WAS OUT HERE WAS,IT WAS NOT TOO LONG AFTER 9-11.

AND YOU COULD NOT DRIVE A CAR TO THE AIRPORT AT THAT TIME.

THAT WAS ONE OF THE FIRST SAFETY PRECAUTIONS.

ONLY TAXIS COULD GO TO THE AIRPORT.

'CAUSE REALLY, WHAT BETTER WAYOF STEMMING THE FLOW OF MUSLIMS

TO THE AIRPORT THEN ONLY ALLOWING TAXIS.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND THAT'S WHYI LOVE NEW YORK.

ONE OF THE GREAT THINGS ABOUT NEW YORK

IS THE CAB DRIVERS ARE CHARACTERS.

THEY'RE FROM COUNTRIES ALL OVERTHE WORLD THAT HAVE FLED.

THEY FLED THEIR COUNTRYAND THEY CAME HERE.

AND REALLY, FLEEINGIS NOT THE WAY YOU WANNA

HAVE TO LEAVE YOUR COUNTRY. YOU NEVER WANNA HAVE TO FLEE.

'CAUSE YOU'RE NEVER REALLY PREPARED.

YOU'RE WALKING HOME FROM WORK ONE DAY.

A GUY RUNS PAST YOU, HE'S GOT A GOAT AND A CHAIR.

YOU'RE LIKE, "[BLEEP]!I GUESS WE'RE FLEEING."

[LAUGHTER]

YOU DON'T EVEN FIND OUT WHY.

YOU JUST RUN HOME, YOU GET A GOAT,

YOU GET A CHAIR, YOU FLEE. YOU MOVE TO NEW YORK,

YOU GET YOUR CABBY LICENSE, YOU START DRIVING.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THE PARADE DAYS ARE THE BEST. PUERTO RICAN DAY PARADE

MOST FUN DAY IN NEW YORK. PUERTO RICAN PEOPLE,

BIG PART ABOUT WHATMAKES THIS A GREAT CITYIS THE PUERTO RICANS.

AND I THINK IT'S GREAT THAT WE HAVE ONE DAY.

ARE YOU PUERTO RICAN, MA'AM? ARE YA?

I CAN SEE IT, THE SHINE. YOU'RE HAPPY, YOU HAVE FUN.

YOU GO OUT ONPUERTO RICAN DAY PARADE?

YOU ENJOY IT? YOU DON'T ENJOY IT, DO YA? NO, I MEAN FOR THE MEN.

THE MEN ENJOY THEPUERTO RICAN DAY PARADE.

THE WOMEN RUN LIKE THERE'S AN INVASION HAPPENING.

BUT THE PUERTO RICAN DAYPARADE IS GREAT.

YOU KNOW IT'S JUST IMPORTANTTHAT THE PUERTO RICANS

HAVE ONE DAY WHERE THEY CAN ALL JUST GET OUT IN THE STREET

AND MAYBE DRINK SOME BEERS IN PUBLIC.

JUST ONE DAY WHERETHE PUERTO RICAN PEOPLECAN ALL PILE IN A CAR

AND MAYBE TURN THATRADIO UP A LITTLE LOUDERTHAN IT SHOULD GO.

JUST ONE DAY.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

AND THEN WE GOT THE ST. PATRICK'S DAY PARADE.

THAT'S MY DAY. ST. PATRICK'S DAY,

- WHICH IS-- YEP-- - [LOUD CHEERS]

I GREW UP MARCHING WITH MY GRANDFATHER

WITH THE ANCIENT ORDER OF HIBERNIANS FROM THE BRONX.

AND IT'S THESAME THING EVERY YEAR.UP AT THE CRACK OF DAWN,

DRINKING, FIGHTING, THROWING UP, PISSING ON WALLS.

AND THEN YOU LEAVE THE HOUSETHINGS GET BAD.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

LIKE SOME IRISH PEOPLE-- THEY THINK THEY'RE DIVINE.

THEY THINK THAT THE IRISH ARE THE HIGHEST OF THE CATHOLICS.

LIKE THEY'RE JUST-- MIX A LEPRECHAUN WITH JESUS AND THAT'S WHAT A--

IT'S JUST VERY SPECIAL.MY MOTHER'S LIKE,

YOU'LL NOTICE A LOT OF IRISH PEOPLE BORN RIGHT AROUND CHRISTMAS.

AND THEN I GOT OLD ENOUGH TO READ A CALENDAR, I REALIZED

THAT CHRISTMAS IS NINE MONTHSAFTER ST. PATRICK'S DAY.

SO, REALLY, IT HAS A LOT LESS TO DO WITH SOME KIND OF DIVINE INTERVENTION,

AND A LOT MORE TO DO WITH ADRUNKEN FIGHT AT A BLARNEY STONE

FOLLOWED BY SOME SLOPPYMAKE-UP SEX WITH NO PROTECTION.

[CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

SO MY MOTHER WAS ESPECIALLY NOTEXCITED WHEN I MARRIED A JEW.

I CAN SAY "JEW" BECAUSE I MARRIED ONE.

IF YOU'RE DATING YOU HAVE TO SAY, "YES, SHE'S 'JEWISH.'"

WHEN YOU GET MARRIED YOU'RE LIKE, "JEW."

WHAT'S FOR DINNER, "JEW?"THANKS FOR KILLING JESUS, "JEW."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SO MY MOTHER'S UPSETTHAT I'M NOT RAISINGMY KIDS TO BE CATHOLIC.

I'VE GOT TWO KIDS, THEY'RE 5 AND 2 YEARS OLD AND I SAID TO MY MOTHER,

"WELL, LOOK, I'LL EXPOSE MY SON TO IT.

IF HE LIKES IT, HE LIKES IT. BECAUSE I'M NOT AGAINST IT,

IT'S JUST THAT I'M RAISING MY KID

TO BE GOOD AND KIND AND LOVING.

BUT APPARENTLY THAT'S NOT ENOUGH.

THEY HAVE TO ALSO BELIEVE IN MAGIC.

SO I SAY, "ALL RIGHT, I'LL TAKE 'EM TO CHURCH ONCE,

IF HE LIKES IT, I'LL SIGN 'EM UP.

I'LL GET 'EM IN THE PROGRAM. AND I'LL TAKE 'EM ON EASTER

'CAUSE THAT'S LIKE THE SUPER BOWL FOR KIDS AT CHURCH.

THAT'S THE MOST FUN DAY. YOU GOT THE CHOCOLATE RABBIT. YOU'VE GOT THE PAINTED EGGS.

ALL THE IMPORTANT RELIGIOUS ICONS ARE THERE ON EASTER.

AND WE GO TO CHURCH AND WE WALK IN

AND THE KIDS AREWEARING THE FUN HATSAND THE CHOIR'S SINGING,

AND HE'S LIGHTING CANDLES AND HE LOVES IT.

AND THEN HE SITS DOWN,HE LOOKS UP AT THE WALL,

AND HE SEES THE CRUCIFIX. AND HE JUST GOES PALE.

AND I SAID, "WHAT'S THE MATTER?"

AND HE GOES,"I'M SCARED."AND I SAY, "WHY ARE YOU SCARED?"

HE GOES, "I'M SCARED OF JESUS."

AND I SAID, "WHY ARE YOU SCARED OF JESUS AND HE GOES,

"'CAUSE HE'S GOT NO SHIRT AND HE'S GOT OWIES ON HIS HANDS

AND HE LOOKS ANGRY."I'M LIKE, "YOU'RE RIGHT.

LET'S GET THE [BLEEP] OUT OF HERE."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND ALL DAY LONG HE JUST KEPT TALKING ABOUT THAT IMAGE.

IT WAS JUST LIKE BURNED IN HIS BRAIN YOU KNOW.

SO FINALLY I TOOK 'EMTO A MOVIE THAT NIGHTJUST TO CLEAR HIS HEAD.

WE SAW THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST AND...

AND I JUST THINK, YOU KNOW I'M NOT AGAINST RELIGION,

WITH CERTAIN RELIGIONS. AND YOU GROW UP, YOU KNOW,

AFRAID OF CERTAIN THINGS. AND THE CHURCH WILL TELL YOU THAT BEING GAY IS WRONG.

AND MY PARENTS DIDN'T TELL ME THAT.

MY PARENTS TOLD ME THAT YOU'RE BORN RIGHTIE OR LEFTIE,

GAY OR STRAIGHT. IT'S NOT A CHOICE.

IT'S JUST WHO YOU ARE. AND IT CONFUSED ME

BECAUSE I DIDN'T KNOW. WELL, MAYBE I'M GAY.

I USED TO WONDER IF I WAS GAY WHEN I WAS A TEENAGER.

I MEAN, I WASN'T OBSESSED ABOUT IT.

I WASN'T LIKE DOODLING PENIS' ON MY NOTEBOOK, YOU KNOW.

BUT SOMETIMES I'D DOODLEA PENIS ON MY NOTEBOOK.

I WOULD JUST PUT WINGS ON IT AND PRETEND IT WAS A DINOSAUR.

[LAUGHTER]

NO, IT'S A FLYING [BLEEP]-ASAURUS.

AND SO I JUST KEPT THINKING ABOUT THIS

AND THEN I GET INTO COLLEGE ANDI WOULD START TO THINK ABOUT,

WHY DO PEOPLE DISLIKE GAY PEOPLE SO MUCH?

AND IT'S REALLY THE CHRISTIAN RIGHT THAT'S UPSET ABOUT GAY PEOPLE

NOT GETTING MARRIED EXCEPT THEY'RE HAVING SEX.

ISN'T THAT WHAT IT REALLY COMES DOWN TO?

THEY'RE FREAKED OUT THAT THESE PEOPLE ARE HAVING SEX.

AND IF YOU WANNA STOP TWO PEOPLE FROM HAVING SEX,

LET 'EM GET MARRIED. EVERYBODY WINS.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

LET'S CUT TO THAT. I'M DRUNK A LOT.

AND I DO SOME CRAZY THINGS. AND AT SOME POINT I DECIDE

THAT I WANNA FIND OUT IF I'M GAY.

AND I DIDN'T HAVE ANY GAY FEELINGS

BUT I STILL QUESTIONED WHETHER I WAS GAY.

AND I FIGURED THE ONLY WAY TO REALLY FIND OUT

IS TO FOOL AROUND WITH A GUY. YEAH.

AND FORTUNATELY IN BOSTON, THERE WAS A SMALL WOODED AREA

DOWNTOWN LIKE IN EVERY MAJOR CITY.

THERE'S ALWAYS ASMALL RANDOM WOODED AREA

THAT SERVES NO FUNCTION EXCEPT FOR ANONYMOUS GAY SEX.

SO I'M DRUNK ONE NIGHT AND I DECIDE I'M GONNA

GO IN THERE AND JUST FIND OUT, ONCE AND FOR ALL.

I STUMBLE INTO THE WOODS, 4AM, DRUNK.

I DON'T KNOW HOW IT WORKS.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN IN THERE.

I'M GONNA FINDAN ANSWER IN THE WOODS.

AND SO I GO IN THERE AND I'M LOOKING AROUND

AND I'M NOT IN THERE FOR TEN SECONDS

WHEN A GUY POPS OUT BEHIND A TREE LIKE AN ELF,

LIKE; HERE I AM! I'M THE GUY. AND I DON'T KNOW HOW IT WORKS.

ARE WE SUPPOSED TOSHAKE HANDS OR WHATEVER.

AND I'M WAITING. AND HE'S LOOKING AT ME AND ALL OF A SUDDEN

HE JUST KINDA OPENED HIS FLY AND PULLED HIS JUNK OUT

AND I TOOK ONE LOOK AT IT AND I WAS LIKE, "NOPE, NOT GAY."

I DO NOT WANT THAT. THAT'S NOT FOR ME.

AND I KIND OF FREAKED OUT. I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

AND I JUST KIND OF LEANED OVER AND PUSHED 'EM REALLY HARD

AND HE ROLLED OVER BACKWARDS AND LANDED ON HIS FEET

AND SHOT OFF INTO THE WOODS AGAIN.

AND I STUMBLED OUT OF THE WOODS GOING,

"WELL, THAT WAS AN INTERESTING NIGHT.

MAYBE I'LL TELL THIS STORY ON COMEDY CENTRAL IN 15 YEARS.

YEAH. SO, I'M NOT GAY NOW. STILL OPEN THOUGH.

IF THE GUY'S GOOD LOOKING ENOUGH,

- I'LL STILL CONSIDER IT. - [LAUGHTER]

AND THAT'S A WEIRD CITY.L.A. IS JUST--

ALL THE WOMEN HAVEFAKE BREASTS, FAKE LIPS.

MEN HAVE PENIS IMPLANTS. AND ALL I CAN PICTURE IS LIKE

IN A 1,000 YEARS WHEN ARCHAEOLOGISTS ARE DIGGING UP

WHAT WAS LOS ANGELES,EVERYTHING WILL HAVE DECOMPOSED

EXCEPT FOR THE LIPSAND THE BREASTS AND THE PENIS'.

AND THEY'RE GONNA BE GOING, "WHAT THE HELL WAS THIS PLACE?

WAS IT A BIG SEX TOY SHOP ON THE BEACH OR SOMETHING?

AND THEY HAD A LIPRIGHT NEXT TO A [BLEEP].

- BET THEY KNEW EACH OTHER. - [LAUGHTER]

THEY JUST TESTED THETAP WATER IN LOS ANGELES

AND THEY FOUND TRACES OF ESTROGEN AND ANTI-DEPRESSANTS.

IT'S NICE TO KNOW THATMY SON IS GONNA GROW UP

AND SOMEDAY HAVE HUGE BREASTS

BUT IT'S NOT REALLY GONNA BOTHER 'EM THAT MUCH.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

VENICE BEACH IS GREAT 'CAUSETHAT'S WHERE ALL THE FREAKS ARE.

LIKE I SAW THIS GUY ON A SKATE BOARD, NO LEGS, PULLING HIMSELF ALONG.

NO, REALLY, IT MAKES YOU THINK.THAT IS A DANGEROUS SPORT.

AND I LIKE WALKING AROUND WITH MY KIDS

BECAUSE JUST ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN.

AND BEING WITH YOUR KIDS, YOU DON'T HAVE TO PLAN EVENTS,

'CAUSE THEY'RE IN THE MOMENT. THAT'S WHY YOU HAVE THEM.

THEY'RE PRESENT. THEY LIVE LIFE THE WAY YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO.

LIKE WE'RE AT A WISHING WELL ONE DAY AND I'M WITH MY SON

AND I GIVE 'EM A PENNY AND I SAID, "OWEN,

"YOU TAKE THIS PENNY, YOU THROW IT IN THE WATER,

YOU CAN WISH FOR ANYTHING YOU WANT."

SO HE TAKES THE PENNY, THROWS IT IN THE WATER I GO,

"WHAT'D YOU WISH FOR?" HE GOES,

"TO THROW THE PENNY IN THE WATER."

HOW DO YOU GET MORE IN THE MOMENT THAN TO WISH FOR

WHAT YOU'RE DOING AT THAT MOMENT?

HE'S LIKE A ZEN MASTER. I CAN ONLY LEARN FROM HIM.

MY DAUGHTER'S THE SAME WAY. SHE'S TWO.

SHE'S ON THE CHANGING TABLE THE OTHER DAY, NAKED

JUST SQUIRMING AROUND. AND ALL OF A SUDDEN

SHE JUST SNEEZED, AND [BLEEP] FLEW 12 FEET ACROSS THE ROOM.

JUST SPLATTERED THE WALL. AND THEN SHE JUST GIGGLED

AND PASSED OUT ALL IN ONE INSTANT.

AND I WAS SO JEALOUS IN THAT MOMENT.

LIKE I WILL NEVER FEEL PURE JOY

THE WAY THAT BABY DID IN THAT ONE SECOND.

NOBODY TOLD HERTHAT WAS WRONG.

YOU SHOULDN'T DESTROY A WALL AND PASS OUT LAUGHING.

I JUST WANTED TOGO DOWN TO THE BASEMENT,TAKE MY CLOTHES OFF,

SNEEZE, DROP A DUCE, TAKE A NAP.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

BUT YOU CAN'T DO THAT AND THAT SEEMS WRONG.

I SEE A LOT OF YOU GOING; I THINK I'D LIKE TO DO THAT.

I THINK SOME OF THESE EXPENSIVE DAY SPAS

SHOULD JUST HAVE A SPECIAL [BLEEP]-SNEEZE ROOM.

JUST A PLACE YOU GO AND GET NAKED AND JUST SNEEZE

AND DEFECATEAND FALL ASLEEP.

AND SOMEBODY COMES IN AND HOSES YOU DOWN

AND SELLS YOU A VIDEOTAPE OF WHAT YOU JUST DID.

[LAUGHTER]

I GOT A MASSAGE RECENTLY.

AND I'D NEVER HAD A MASSAGE BEFORE AND THAT'S AN AWKWARD THING TO DO BECAUSE,

FIRST OF ALL, I MEAN ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO BE NAKED?

ANYBODY EVER GOT A PROFESSIONAL MASSAGE BEFORE?

HAVE YA? WERE YOU NAKEDWHEN YOU GOT IT, MA'AM?

WERE YOU COMFORTABLE WITH THAT? GOOD.

I WASN'T THAT COMFORTABLE. I JUST-- THAT'S NOT MY LOOK.

NAKED IS NOT MY BEST LOOK.

CLOTHING IS AMUCH BETTER LOOK FOR ME.

YOU KNOW I'M JUST VERY SKINNY AND PALE AND-- JUST RANDOM FRECKLING,

VERY LITTLE HAIR, JUST NOT VERY MACHO.

I LOOK LIKE A 13-YEAR OLD GIRL WITH A HUGE [BLEEP].

- IT'S EERIE. - [LAUGHTER]

AND I DON'T HAVE HAIR. THE HAIR IS JUST--

IT'S NOT EVERYWHERE.

I REALIZE IT'S JUST AT THE HOLES.

LIKE YOU KNOW MY NOSE, MY EARS, MY BUTT. IT'S JUST AT THE HOLE.

I'M LIKE A TUB JUST SHEER WHITE PORCELAIN

AND THEN A CLUMP OF HAIR AT THE DRAIN. THAT'S MY BODY.

ALL RIGHT, WHO WANTS TO HAVE SEX WITH ME? SERIOUSLY.

WHO WANTS TO...?

SHE BREAST-FED MY SON FOR TWO YEARS. AND THAT'S WRONG.

BREAST-FEEDING IS A BEAUTIFUL BONDING EXPERIENCE FOR WHAT,

LIKE SIX MONTHS? AND AFTER THAT IT'S LIKE,

OKAY, SOMEBODY'S[BLEEP]-BLOCKING DADDY.

- WRAP IT UP. - [LAUGHTER]

SHE GOES, "NO, THIS IS REALLY GOOD FOR HIS IMMUNE SYSTEM.

I SAID, "TWO YEARS?! I THINK AT THIS POINT,

"WE COULD SAFELY DUNK 'EM IN A BUCKET OF POLIO.

WRAP IT UP." BECAUSE IT PISSES YOU OFF.

THOSE ARE YOUR BREASTS.THAT'S ALL YOU GET.

YOU GET TWO. AND NOW YOU GET NONE

'CAUSE HE'S SUCKIN' ON 'EM. HE'S STARING AT YA.

- HE KNOWS YOU'RE PISSED. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND THEN I CATCH 'EM WORKIN' THE HAND ON THE OTHER BREAST.

I'M LIKE, "WHAT IS THAT?"YOU DON'T NEED THE HAND

ON THE OTHER BREAST. WHAT IS IT?"

THEN HE'LL JUST PASS OUTLIKE A FRAT GUY ON A KEG. JUST.

- [SNORING] - [LAUGHTER]

IT'S PRETTY HARD TO BEROMANTIC WITH YOUR WIFE

WHEN EVERY TIMEYOU GO TO BED,

THERE'S YOUR SON PASSED OUT DRUNK ON TIT MILK.

[LAUGHTER]

SO WE GO TO BED ONE NIGHT, YOU KNOW WE'RE GONNA HAVE SEX.

IT'S NOT GONNA BE GOOD BUT WE'RE GONNA DO IT.

HE'S LYING THERE LIKE A JUNKIE WITH THE 'GOT MILK' MUSTACHE.

I JUST ROLL 'EM OVER.WE GO TO THE OTHER SIDE.

WE'RE GONNA HAVE SEX.IT'S NOT GONNA BE GOOD.

WE'RE JUST GONNA MOVE REAL SLOW. TRY NOT TO WAKE 'EM.

WE'RE LIKE SEA TURTLES.

AFTER A WHILE I CLOSE MY EYES, I START GETTING INTO IT.

TWO MINUTES LATER I HEAR...[SUCKING]

HE WOKE UP AND STARTED BREAST FEEDING

WHILE WE WERE MAKING LOVE. WHICH IS SO WRONG.

'CAUSE I NEVER HAD A THREESOME BEFORE

AND THIS WAS NOT THE WAY IT WAS SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND HIS EYES OPEN UP. HE'S TRYING TO HIGH FIVE ME.

I'M LIKE, "HEY, SHOW SOME RESPECT FOR YOUR MOTHER."

[LAUGHTER]

THAT'S WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO.YOU HAVE TO BUY LIFE INSURANCE

WHICH IS REALLY LEGALIZED GAMBLING, ISN'T IT?

YOU SIT DOWN WITH AN AGENT AND YOU GO, "I BET I DIE."

HE GOES, "WE BET YOU WON'T." YOU'RE LIKE, "ALL RIGHT."

AND THEN EVERY MONTHYOU BET 'EM AGAIN, "BET I DIE."

"WE BET YOU WON'T." "ALL RIGHT.

I FEEL LUCKY, HONEY. I THINK I'M GONNA EAT IT THIS MONTH."

[LAUGHTER]

I JUST DID SOME REAL GAMBLING. I WENT TO LAS VEGAS.

WAS PLAYING CRAPS. BECAUSE I HAD A LOT OF MONEY

AND I NEEDED TO LOSE IT VERY QUICKLY.

I THINK CRAP MUST HAVE BEEN THE WORST CURSE WORD AVAILABLE

WHEN THAT GAME WAS INVENTED. IF THEY INVENTED IT TODAY

THEY'D HAVE TO CALL IT,"MOTHER-[BLEEP]."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

HEY MAN, YOU WANNA PLAY SOME "MOTHER-[BLEEP]"? NAH.

SO THEN I SAID, "ALL RIGHT, I'M GONNA SLOW DOWN.

"I'M GONNA PLAY SOME BLACK JACK," RIGHT,

"'CAUSE HOW MUCH MONEY CAN I LOSE PLAYING BLACK JACK?

"A LOT! ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU GET ONE OF THE MAGIC DEALERS.

YOU KNOW THE ONES THAT ALWAYS FINDS HER WAY TO "21"

NO MATTER WHAT SHE STARTS WITH.SHE GOES THROUGH LOGGER RHYTHMS,

SQUARE ROOTS, SHE GETS THERE. AT ONE POINT SHE GETS A 3,

AND THEN A 2,AND THEN A 16 OF SPADES.

I'M LIKE, "WHAT? THAT'S NOT A CARD."

"YOU LOSE. WANNA PLAY AGAIN?"

I WALK OUT AND SEEHER PICTURE ON THE WALL,"EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH."

[LAUGHTER]

I STAYED WITH AFRIEND OF MINE IN VEGAS.

HE'S LIKE, "YEAH, YOU'RE IN THE GUEST ROOM.

I GOT YOU AN INFLATABLE MATTRESS."

'CAUSE REALLY, NOTHING SCREAMS

"YOU'RE ONLY WELCOME FOR ONE NIGHT,"

LIKE THE INFLATABLE MATTRESS.

SAY HEY, I THREWA SHEET ON A POOL RAFT.HOPE YOU LIKE IT.

I CARE SO MUCH ABOUT THEM.

BUT THERE'S TIMES ME AND MY WIFE HAVE TO GO OUT.

AND WE FOUND A BABY-SITTER THAT WE REALLY TRUSTED.

GIRL IN OUR NEIGHBORHOOD NAMED MICHELLE.

AND 19 YEARS OLD, GREAT GIRL.

THEN I FOUND OUT, WHENEVER WE GO OUT,

HER BOYFRIEND WOULD SNEAK OVEROUR HOUSE WHILE WE'RE NOT THERE.

I DON'T KNOW THIS GUY AND I FREAK OUT

AND IT SOUNDS KINDA CREEPY BUT I PUT ONE OF THOSE

NANNY-CAMS IN. SURE ENOUGH, I CHECK IT THE NEXT DAY.

GUY SHOWS UP, THEY'RE DRINKING BEER.

THEY'RE FOOLING AROUND ON THE COUCH.

THE COUCH MY KIDS PLAY ON,THEY'RE HAVING SEX OR WHATEVER,

I CAN'T SEE IF THEY'RE DEFINITELY HAVING SEX.

IT'S KINDA DARK AND GRAINY.

SO I PUT A COUPLE OF THOSE NIGHTTIME INFRARED CAMERAS IN.

AND THEY'RE DEFINITELY HAVING SEX.

AND THAT'S DISTURBING. MY KIDS ARE IN THE NEXT ROOM.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT KIND OFNASTY STUFF SHE'S SCREAMING OUT.

SO I PUT A COUPLE OF THOSEDIGITAL AUDIO TAPING DEVICES IN.

AND WHAT A MOUTH ON THIS LITTLE WHORE, UNBELIEVABLE.

BUT SHE'S 19.I DON'T WANNA FIRE HER.

THAT'S A TRAUMATIC THING TO HAPPEN AT THAT VULNERABLE AGE.

SO YOU KNOW I'M JUST LOGGING THE TAPES.

- KEEPING AN EYE ON THINGS. - [LAUGHTER]

AND YOU CAN CHECK IT OUT ON MY WEB SITE,

My-BabySitters-Gotta-Have-It. IT'S LIKE $50 BUCKS A MONTH.

- BUT REALLY...- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I'M SPEECHLESS.

'CAUSE YOU DON'T HAVE ENERGY AT NIGHT.

YOU'RE EXHAUSTED.YOU'RE COVERED IN VOMITAND YOU HATE EACH OTHER.

BY THE MORNING YOU'RE HORNY AGAIN,

SO WHAT I DO IS I SLEEP WITH MY WIFE IN THE SPOON POSITION.

AND THEN I'LL START TO APPLY A LITTLE PRESSURE DOWN THERE.

AND THEN IF I GETA LITTLE PRESSURE BACKTHAT'S THE GREEN LIGHT.

I'M KNOCKING ON THE BACK DOOR

AND THE DOOR'S BEING OPEN FOR ME.

THAT'S THE ONLY POSITION YOU'REGONNA HAVE MORNING SEX IN.

YOU GOT THAT NASTY MORNING BREATH.

YOU DON'T WANNA BE FACING EACH OTHER ANYWAY.

IF YOU CAN GO ASS-TO-ASS AND HAVE SEX IN THE MORNING

- THAT'S HOW YOU WOULD DO IT. - [LAUGHTER]

SO THE OTHER MORNING I THROW A MOVE ON THE OLD LADY,

SHE GREEN LIGHTS IT, AND NOW WE'RE HAVING SEX.

BUT IT'S THIS KIND OF SEX. FROM BEHIND, SIDEWAYS,

UP ON MY ARM, FEELING GOOD,

START CRAMPING UP--SHOULDER'S CRAMPING UP.

CAN'T DO THIS ANY LONGER.

SO I MOVE IT TO THAT ONE. THERE WE GO.

NOW ALL I NEED IS SUNGLASSES AND A MIXED DRINK.

- HEY, HOW YOU DOING? - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I DON'T KNOW WHOSE BEEN SENDING 1,500 EMAILS EVERY DAY

ABOUT THE SIZE OF MY PENIS, BUT I'M GOOD. THANKS.

AT SOME POINT THE COMPUTER INDUSTRY DECIDED

IF YOU HAVE AN EMAIL ADDRESS

YOU MUST HAVE SOME KIND OF PENIS PROBLEM.

IF YOU WANNA FIND GUYS WITH SMALL PENIS'

GO TO THE HUMMER DEALERSHIP. LEAVE ME OUT OF IT.

[CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

AND NOW WHAT THEY DO IS,THEY KNOW THAT WE'RE ONTO THEM,

SO NOW THEY'LL PRETEND THAT THEEMAIL IS ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE.

YOU GET THAT EMAIL, THEY BACK DOOR IT,

THE SUBJECT LINE-- THE ONE I GOT THE OTHER DAY:

FAMILY REUNION. AND I'M GOING TO ONE SO I OPENED IT UP.

AND IT SAYS, "GET HUGE[BLEEP] AND BALLS NOW!"

WHAT KIND OFFAMILY REUNION IS THIS?

HEY, GRANDPA,CHECK THIS OUT.

"I REMEMBERWHEN YOU WERE THAT BIG."

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