Pete Holmes & Mary Lynn Rajskub

  • 10/23/2012

Pete Holmes can't even get laid in his dreams, and Mary Lynn Rajskub wants nothing more than to be extremely hot.

I LOVE IT.

IT'S LIKE AN ANGEL BEING TICKLEDAGAINST THEIR WILL.

[chuckles]

AND I'M NOT MAKING FUNOF YOUR LAUGH.

I WOULD NEVER DO THAT.

DO YOU EVER HAVE SOMEBODYMAKE FUN OF YOUR LAUGH?

A "FRIEND"?

YOU KNOW WHAT THAT'SBASICALLY THEM SAYING?

"HEY, YOU KNOWTHAT SOUND THAT YOU MAKE

"WHEN YOU'RE HAPPYAND JOYFUL,

"AND THE SADNESS THAT PERMEATESOUR EVERYDAY LIFE

"IS MOMENTARILY ABATEDFOR AN ESCAPIST OASIS?

"YEAH, YOU SOUND STUPID.

"YOU SHOULD FEEL SELF-CONSCIOUSWHEN YOU'RE HAPPY.

YOU SHOULD BE LIKE,'HA HA, THIS IS GREAT,

BUT ALSO,DO I SOUND LIKE A SEAL?'"

[imitates seal call]

MY EX-WIFE OF 27 YEARS,KAREN, SHE--

[laughter]

THIS IS WHY COMEDIANS DON'T LIKEOPENING UP TO THE AUDIENCE.

SHE ALWAYS SAIDTHAT SHE HATED IT

WHEN I LAUGHED REALLY HARD

'CAUSE IT SOUNDED LIKEI WANTED TO KILL HER.

YEAH.

SO YOU KNOW HOW SNOOP DOGG SAYS"DROP IT LIKE IT'S HOT"?

WELL, I DROPPED HERLIKE SHE WAS SCALDING.

[cackles maniacally]

DO YOU EVER LAUGH,

AND THEN AT THE ENDOF A GOOD LAUGH,

LITTLE WORDS COME OUTTHAT YOU DIDN'T EXPECT TO SAY?

IT'S LIKE,"HA HA HA--OH, MY GOLLY..."

I LIKE TO THINKTHAT THOSE WERE LITTLE WORDS

THAT YOU WANTED TO SAYEARLIER ON IN THE DAY,

BUT YOU WEREN'T ABLE TO,

AND THEN WHEN YOU HAVEA GOOD, HEARTY LAUGH,

THEY ESCAPE.

YOU KNOW,YOU'RE IN A FIGHT

WITH YOUR ROOMMATEOR YOUR GIRLFRIEND.

"WHY DON'T YOUJUST DO THE DISHES

"WHEN YOU'RE DONEWITH THEM, OKAY?

"YOU'RE ALREADY AT THE SINK.IT TAKES 30 SECONDS.

"JUST DO THE DISHES!DON'T WAIT TILL THE NEXT DAY!

JUST DO THE DISHES!"

"YEAH, BUT--""OH, DO YOU HAVE A REASON

"WHY IT'S BETTERTO NOT DO THE DISHES?

"DO YOU?'CAUSE I'D LOVE TO HEAR IT.

"I'D REALLY LOVETO HEAR IT.

I'D REALLY LOVETO HEAR IT."

"NO, LET'S JUST GOTO THE COMEDY SHOW."

AND THAT GUY GOES TOTHE COMEDY SHOW AND HE'S LIKE,

[mock laughing]

"OH, MY GOD,THEY'RE [bleep] DISHES!

"JESUS, I DO THEMIN THE MORNING!

"WHAT, ARE YOU WAKING UPIN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT

"LIKE, 'I HOPETHE SINK IS CLEAN

FOR MY NIGHT WALKS'?"

I DON'T KNOW--

IT'S TRUE.

I CAN'T--LISTEN TO ME.

I'M NOT LYING TO YOUFOR A JOKE.

I'M TELLING YOUA TRUE THING.

I CAN'T MAKE IT HAPPENIN MY DREAMS.

DO YOU UNDERSTAND?

I HIT ON WOMENIN REAL LIFE,

THEY'RE LIKE,"IN YOUR DREAMS."

I'M LIKE, "NO.

NOT EVEN THERE."

I CAN DREAMTHAT I'M SOMEBODY ELSE.

I HAD A DREAM THAT I WASA SVELTE PUERTO RICAN DANCER.

I WAS BEAUTIFUL.LINEN SHIRT.

YOU'RE PICTURING IT,RIGHT?

UNBUTTONED JUST ABOUT AS MUCHAS YOU THINK IT IS.

GLISTENING, DANCINGSOMETHING AWESOME

AND RHYTHMIC THAT I CAN'T DO.

AND THEN I SAW A WOMANRIDE UP ON A WHITE HORSE,

AND SHE WAS LOVELY AND SEXYAND SHE GOT OFF.

SHE CAME RIGHT UP TO ME,AND SHE WAS LIKE,

"LET'S HAVE SEXON THE MESA."

AND I WAS LIKE,"HELL, SI!"

THEN RIGHT BEFORESHE KISSED ME, I WAS LIKE,

"JUST KIDDING!IT'S ME, PETE! HA HA!

I'M LIKEA GIANT VAL KILMER!"

AND SHE RAN AND RANAS I SCREAMED,

"I'M THE WORST BATMAN!"

THAT'S MY DREAM!

I HAD A DREAM WHERE I SAWA GROUP OF YOUNG LADIES

DANCING IN THEIRBRA AND PANTIES,

LIKE THE CRUCIBLE,BUT HOTTER.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

AND I THINK MOST MEN,IN THEIR DREAM REALITY,

WOULD BE LIKE,"WELL, YOU KNOW,

"REALIZING IT WAS MY DREAM

"AND A CONSEQUENCE-FREEENVIRONMENT,

"I JUST DOVE IN

"AND DID WHATEVERI WANTED TO DO.

"I [bleep] 'EM ALL,WOKE UP, FELT GREAT,

"FIRED SOMEBODY,COOKED OUTSIDE.

I DON'T KNOW MY FATHER."YOU KNOW?

LIKE A--

LIKE A REAL MAN.

BUT ME, IN MY DREAM,I SEE THEM DANCING,

AND IN MY DREAM,WHERE ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE,

I TOOK OUT MY CELL PHONE

AND STARTEDTAKING PICTURES OF THEM.

LIKE,"THESE'LL BE HOT...

"LATER.

"CAN'T WAIT TILLI'M DREAMING THAT I'M ALONE

"SO I CAN PRINT THESE UP--HIGH-RES!--

"THEN DREAMTHAT I'M MASTURBATING.

THAT'S A GOOD DREAM."

WHEN I WOKE UP,I WAS LIKE,

"I TREATEDTHOSE YOUNG LADIES

"WITH DIGNITY AND RESPECT.

"YOU MADETHE RIGHT CHOICE, PETE.

SOME OF THEMDID LOOK UNDERAGE."

- [laughs]

OH, I WAS THINKING,

COULD YOU GIVE METHE ENTIRE ISLAND OF MANHATTAN,

AND I'LL GIVE YOUFIVE TRINKETS?

- ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

FIVE TRINKETS...- SORRY.

FOR MANHATTAN?

HOW ABOUT SIX TRINKETS?

- WHAT?- SIX.

- OKAY.- YEAH?

HEY, CHIEF!

YEAH,YOU'LL BE PROUD OF ME!

I SOLD OUR LAND

FOR SIX TRINKETS.[chuckles]

- I LIKE DOING NITROUS OXIDE.

YOU EVER DO WHIPPETS?

IF YOU'RE A HOUSEWIFE,

AND YOU'RE BOREDOR FRUSTRATED

WITH YOUR FAMILY,

NEXT TIMEYOU'RE GROCERY SHOPPING,

I WOULD GOTO THE DAIRY AISLE,

GRAB A CANISTEROF WHIPPED CREAM--

DON'T SHAKE IT--AND THEN--

[whooshing]

AND THEN HAVETHE BEST GROCERY SHOPPING DAY

OF YOUR LIFE.

'CAUSE I DON'T KNOWIF YOU KNOW THIS,

BUT WHEN YOU--WHEN YOU DO NITROUS OXIDE,

IT LOWERS YOUR VOICE

'CAUSE IT'S THE OPPOSITEOF HELIUM,

WHICH CONTRACTSYOUR VOCAL CHORDS.

IT EXPANDS THEM.

AND IT ONLY LASTSABOUT 12 SECONDS.

I'VE ALWAYS WANTEDTO GET CAUGHT DOING IT

BY A POLICE OFFICER.

I KNOW THAT SOUNDS WEIRD,BUT I THINK IT WOULD BE SO FUN.

HE'S LIKE, "HEY!

"ARE YOU GUYSDOING NITROUS OXIDE

IN THIS ALLEY?"

AND I GO--[whoosh]

[deep voice]"YEAH...

"AND IT'S THE BEST EVER!

"BUT WHAT ARE YOUGONNA DO ABOUT IT?

[normal voice]'CAUSE NOW IT'S GONE."

YEAH.

STICK IT TO THE MAN.

[slow jazzy music]

[woman singing Ave Maria]

MORE THAN ANYTHINGIS JUST TO BE HOT.

[woman cheers]

THANK YOU.

NO, I KNOW.I USED TO WANT TO BE SMART.

I WAS LIKE,"THAT'S STUPID."

LIKE, I EVEN WENTTO ART SCHOOL.

"OH, SCULPTUREAND SOCIAL INJUSTICE."

WHAT WAS I THINKING,YOU KNOW?

I KNOW YOU KNOWTHESE GIRLS.

THEY'RE THE KIND OF GIRLSTHAT ARE LIKE,

"YEAH, I LOVE HANGING OUTAT SPORTS BARS WITH THE GUYS.

"IT'S AWESOME.

"OH, MY MICRO-MINISKIRTTHAT SHOWS MY ASS CRACK?

"NO, IT'S SUPER COMFORTABLE.

"IT'S REALLY EASYTO WEAR, YEAH.

"DARTS? I'D LOVE TO.

"EXCEPT FOR WHEN I GET MY DARTOUT OF THE DART BOARD,

"I DO IT LIKE THIS.

"WHAT?WAS THAT SEXY?

"I DON'T KNOWWHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

"WHAT DID I DO?DID I DO SOMETHING

THAT WAS SEXUALJUST THEN?"

[breathy exhale]

AND SHE'S ALWAYS JUST,LIKE, INEXPLICABLY DANCING

IN STILETTO HEELSANY CHANCE SHE GETS.

JUST LIKE--

YOU'RE LIKE,"YOU'RE AT A HOCKEY GAME."

[imitating Charge fanfare]

"I LOVE MUSIC."

[imitating Charge fanfare]

"IT'S NOT REALLY MUSIC."

[imitating Charge fanfare]

"DEFENSE!

DO THEY SAY THATAT HOCKEY GAMES?"

[imitating Charge fanfare]

"OH, YEAH!"PUCK HITS THE GLASS.

"OH, YEAH,GROWN MEN FIGHTING.

"OH, IT TURNS ME ON.

"OH, YEAH, SMELLTHE ROASTED NUTS AND THE NACHOS.

OH, SPILL YOUR BEER ON ME.DO IT TO ME ALL NIGHT LONG."

THAT WAS A TANGENT.

THANKS A LOT, EVERYBODY.

[cheers and applause]

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