CC Presents: Arj Barker (2006)

  • Season 10, Ep 13
  • 03/30/2006

Halloween's urban legend laziness and Google's haughty search suggestions disgust Arj Barker.

IT'S A GOOD AUDIENCE.

I THINK WE GOT A LOT OFAMERICANS HERE, HUH?

I'M AMERICAN. I MEAN,I LIKE BEING AN AMERICAN

BECAUSE SAY WHAT YOU WANT WE GOT THE BEST MILITARY

IN THE WHOLE WORLD. AND NOBODY CAN EVER LEARN OUR MILITARY SECRETS,

UNLESS, YOU KNOW, THEY HAPPEN TO HAVE THE DISCOVERY CHANNEL.

THEN IT'S PRETTY EASY.

YOU JUST TUNE IN FOR A FEW MINUTES.

"IN CONCLUSION, THE ONLY WAY TO DESTROY THIS TANK

"IS TO CUT THIS WIRE RIGHT HERE

- [LAUGHTER] - AND PLACE EXPLOSIVES THERE.

"WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE THINGS

- CIVILIANS SHOULDN'T KNOW." - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AMERICANS LOVE 4th OF JULY, TOO.I MEAN, THAT'S OUR DAY.

I READ THIS ON THE INTERNET--

DID YOU KNOW 4th OF JULY IS MORE POPULAR IN THIS COUNTRY

THAN AN IN ANY OTHER COUNTRY IN THE WHOLE WORLD.

NO, IT'S TRUE, 'CAUSE THAT'S OUR DAY.

THAT'S THE DAYYOU CAN WAKE UP AND SAY,"YES, IT'S 4th OF JULY.

"AND I LOVE MY COUNTRY. AND BECAUSE I LOVE MY COUNTRY

"I'M GONNA SHOOT EXPLOSIVE ROCKETS

"OUT OF AN EMPTY HEINEKEN BOTTLEIN MY BACKYARD

"DURING WHAT IS ARGUABLY THE DRIEST WEEK OF THE YEAR.

"BECAUSE I LOVE MY COUNTRY.

"AND SOMETIMES IN ORDERTO PROVE THAT YOU LOVE SOMETHING

"YOU'VE GOT TO BURN THAT SON OF A BITCH DOWN!

"AND THESE ROCKETS WILL HAVE A LONG EXPLOSION

"AT THE END OF THEIR TRAJECTORY

"WHICH WILL TERRIFY MY NEIGHBOR'S PETS

"CAUSING MANY OF THEM TO RUN AWAY FROM HOME.

"BECAUSE I KNOW THAT MOST DOMESTICATED ANIMALS

"AREN'T INDIGENOUS TO THIS COUNTRY.

"SO, GUESS WHAT, CAT? YOU CAN BEAT IT.

"GO BACK TO CATALINA ISLAND OR CATALONIA SPAIN OR KATMANDU

"OR WHEREVER THE HELL YOUR HAIRY ASS IS FROM

"'CAUSE THIS IS AMERICA.

AND AROUND HERE CATMAN DON'T."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU.

I KNOW PEOPLE LOVE HALLOWEEN.

I MEAN, I THINK THAT'S A LOT OF PEOPLE'S FAVORITE HOLIDAY.

I DIDN'T REALLY LOVE IT GROWING UP

'CAUSE MY PARENTS OWNED A HEALTH FOOD STORE.

SO, I COULDN'T GET AWAY WITH HALLOWEEN PRANKS

'CAUSE THEY OWNED THE HEALTH FOOD STORE.

SO, IT WAS SO EASY TO BUST ME. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

I WAS THE ONLY KID ON THE BLOCK EGGING HOUSES

WITH THOSE BIG OLD BROWN EGGS.

LIKE YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO BE A DETECTIVE TO FIGURE IT OUT.

LIKE, "OH, I WONDER WHO TOFU'D MY MAILBOX.

IS IT THE SAME EVIL GENIUS WHO FILLED MY BIRDBATH WITH RICE DREAM

AND THEN BROKE AKMAK CRACKERS OVER MY GARDEN GNOME'S HEAD?"

[LAUGHTER]

BUT TRICK OR TREATING THAT WOULDHAVE BEEN THE ULTIMATE, RIGHT?

TRICK OR TREATING COULD HAVE BEEN THE ULTIMATE THING,

BUT THEN YOUR PARENTS GOT TO GIVE YOU THAT SAFETY SPEECH.

I THINK THAT TOOK SOME OF THE FUN OUT OF IT. YOU KNOW YOU'RE FINALLY

OLD ENOUGH TO GO TRICK OR TREATING BY YOURSELF

AND THEN THEY'VE GOT TO GIVE YOU THAT TALK.

LIKE, "ALL RIGHT SON, JUST GO DOOR TO DOOR AND GET THE CANDY.

THAT'S ALL YOU'VE GOT TO DO. JUST GO GET THE CANDY."

"KNOCK ON THE DOOR, GO TO THE NEXT HOUSE, GET MORE CANDY.

AND IT'S ALL YOURS.YOU GET TO KEEP IT ALL.

HAVE FUN. GET LOTS OF CANDY.

OH YEAH, ONE MORE THING I FORGOT TO TELL YOU, SON.

BE CAREFUL 'CAUSE THE CANDY MIGHT HAVE RAZOR BLADES IN IT!"

OH MY GOD, WHAT A HORRIBLE THINGTO TELL AN 18 YEAR OLD.

HOW ARE YOU SUPPOSEDTO ENJOY IT AFTER THAT?

IT'S A HORRIBLE THING TO THINK ABOUT, RAZORS IN YOUR CANDY.

I MEAN, IT'S AN URBAN MYTH. IT'S NOT EVEN TRUE.

AND AS FAR AS URBAN MYTHS GO, IT'S NOT VERY CREATIVE.

YOU KNOW, IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN SOMETHING MORE OUT THERE LIKE,

"CAREFUL SON, 'CAUSE THEY HIDECATERPILLAR EGGS

IN THE CARAMEL. YOU CAN'T TASTE IT.

BUT A COUPLE OF DAYS LATER YOU'RE CRAPPING BUTTERFLIES."

BUT THAT WOULDN'TREALLY SCARE YOU THOUGH.'CAUSE YOU'D BE LIKE,

"REALLY? COOL." ON THE PLAYGROUND, "WHAT'S UP GIRLS?"

- [BLOOP!] - [LAUGHTER]

"OH MY GOD, HE'S DREAMY.THAT'S A BROWN MONARCH."

I DON'T THINK THAT WAS A REAL THING.

I DON'T THINK THAT REALLY HAPPENED.

I THINK IT WAS A MYTH. DID ANYBODY HERE EVER GET A RAZOR IN THEIR CANDY?

LOOK THERE'S 500 PEOPLE, NOT ONE PERSON.

I ASKED THE LAST 50 CROWDSI PERFORMED FOR.

I HAVE YET TO HAVE ONE PERSON GO,

"YEAH, I GOT A WAZOR BWAD IN MY CWANDY. TWO YWEARS IN A RWOW, MAN.

I MUST BWE THE UNLWUCKIWEST GWU IN THE W-WORLD.

IT HAPPENED WONE YWEAR, I THWOUGHT

WELL, IF I DWON'T GWET BACK OUT THWERE NEXT YWEAR

THEN THWEY WIN. SO, I WENT OUT THWERE NWEXT YWEAR

AND GWUESS WHAT HAPPWENED, SWAME [BLEEP] THWING!"

"MAYBWE I SHWOULDN'T HAVE GWONE TO THE SWAME HOUSE."

[LAUGHTER]

THERE'S NO RAZORS IN CANDY.

IF FOR NO OTHER REASON IT, DOESN'T MAKE FINANCIAL SENSE. IT'S NOT FISCALLY PRUDENT.

HOW MUCH DOES A PIECE OF CANDY COST,

LIKE A PENNY AND A HALF. AN APPLE'S LIKE 15 CENTS.

ANYBODY HERE BUY A MACH III REPLACEMENT CARTRIDGE LATELY?

THEY'RE SO EXPENSIVE THEY DON'T EVEN KEEP THEM ON THE SHELF.

YOU'VE GOT TO ASK THE PEOPLE BEHIND THE COUNTER

AND I FEEL LIKE I'MTRYING TO BUY ENRICHEDPLUTONIUM OR SOMETHING.

LIKE, "DO YOU HAVE ANY MACH III?"

"WHY YES WE DO HAVE MACH III'S.

BUT THOSE AREKEPT IN AN ATTACHE CASE,WHICH IS HANDCUFFED

TO THE MANAGER'S WRIST ON A YACHT OFF THE COAST OF ANGOLA.

BUT IF YOU WANT I CAN RADIO THE CHOPPER."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SO, I'M THINKING OFSWITCHING BANKS.

AND MY FRIEND SAID, "WELL, WHAT'S WRONG WITH CITIBANK?"

WELL,THEY CAN'T SPELL "CITY."

[LAUGHTER]

I HOPE THEIR MATH IS BETTER THAN THEIR ENGLISH IS.

MY BANK IS CALLED WELLS FARGO. AND THEY'RE A PRETTY GOOD BANK.

TO BE HONEST I'VE NEVERHAD A PROBLEM WITH THEM.

BUT THE THING THAT KIND OF BUGS ME

IS THEY HAVE THIS OLD WESTERN THEME.

AND THEY NEVER GET RID OF IT. AND IT'S STARTING

TO MAKE ME UNCOMFORTABLE WITH THE OLD WESTERN THEME.

'CAUSE IT'S LIKE THE YEAR 2050 AND QUITE HONESTLY

I DON'T FEEL COMFORTABLE WITH MY MONEY BEING CARTED AROUND

- IN A [BLEEP] STAGECOACH. - [LAUGHTER]

"WELL, DON'T WORRY MR. BARKER. YOUR MONEY'LL BE PERFECTLY SAFE

AS LONG AS THE WOULD-BE THIEVES DON'T HAVE ACCESS

TO A PAIR OF SCISSORS,A FIRECRACKER AND A SAW.

- [LAUGHTER] - IT'LL BE FINE."

I MEAN, THE OLD WEST WAS LIKE INSANE.

IT WAS LIKE ALAWLESS PERIOD OF TIME.

I DON'T WANT MY BANK TO BE AN OLD WESTERN BANK.

WHO'S IN CHARGE OF MY MONEY? IT COULD BE LIKE A DRUNKEN,

TOOTHLESS GOLD PROSPECTOR. IT COULD BE LIKE, "YOU DON'T--

YOU DON'T NEEDTO WORRY ABOUT ANYTHING.

YOU'RE MONEYWILL BE PERFECTLY SAFE.

OLD WHISKEY PETE HEREWILL MAKE SURE OF THAT.

I'LL-- I'LL PUT IT IN A BOOT AND-- AND BURY IT IN THE DIRT."

AND THEN I'LL PUT A PINECONE ON TOP OF IT

SO AS I ALWAYS REMEMBER WHERE IT IS.

NOW IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME,I JUST [BLEEP] MYSELF."

OH NO, WHISKEY NOT ON MY SPECIAL.

HOW ABOUT A ROUND OF APPLAUSE FOR WHISKEY PETE EVERYBODY.

COME ON,GIVE IT UP FOR WHISKEY.

[CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

HE TRIED. HE TRIED.

AND I FIND THAT VERY INTIMIDATING

BECAUSE THERE'SSO MANY TYPES OF SHOES.

THERE'S SO MANYLIKE CATEGORIES.

AND I REALLY HAVE NO IDEA WHAT TYPE OF SHOE I NEED

AT ANY GIVEN TIME. AND I GO IN THERE

AND I FIND IT ALITTLE BIT OVERWHELMING.'CAUSE IT'S LIKE,

"WELCOME TO THE SHOE STORE. WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR?

ARE YOU LOOKING FOR WALKING SHOES?"

"WELL, I'D LIKE TO HAVE THAT OPTION, YOU KNOW.

HOPEFULLY, THEY'RE ADJUSTABLE. I MEAN, I'D LIKE TO BE ABLE TO

TURN THEM UP TO OTHER SETTINGS AS WELL SUCH AS

RUN LIKE [BLEEP], YOU KNOW, IN CASE SOMETHING CRAZY HAPPENS

AND I'VE GOT TO GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE IN A HURRY."

I MEAN, CAN YOU IMAGINE IF YOU HAD A PAIR OF SHOES YOU CAN ONLY WALK IN?

THAT COULD BE KIND OF LIMITING UNDER CERTAIN CIRCUMSTANCES.

"EVERYBODY GET OUT OF HERE.THERE'S A SWARM OF BEES COMING!"

"WHAT? OH GREAT, I GOT MY WALKING SHOES ON TODAY.

OH, I GUESS I'D BETTER STROLL THE HELL OUT OF HERE

- AT MODERATE PACE. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

OH, THEY'RE ALL OVER ME.I CAN'T GO ANY FASTER.

THEY'RE WALKING SHOES.

ALL I CAN DO IS SAUNTER LIKE MY LIFE DEPENDED ON IT.

SAUNTER FOR MY LIFE.

BUT AT LEAST I DIDN'TPUT ON MY MOPING SHOES.THOSE ARE EVEN SLOWER.

THOSE ARE LIKE-- AH! MULTIPLE BUMBLEBEE STINGS

ALL...OVER...MY...BODY.I...HATE...BEES.

YOU...OUTRUN...THAT...BUMBLEBEE.

AHHH. OH NO, I [BLEEP] MYSELF."

OH NO, NOT YOU TOO, DROOPY. OH MY GOD.

- WHAT DO I FEED MY ACT? - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND THAT-- OKAY, THE PRINTER I WANTED WAS LIKE 200 BUCKS.

BUT FOR SOME REASON I FIGURED OUT THAT IF I BOUGHT

A PRINTER, COPIER, SCANNER, FAXER, COFFEE MAKER, CLAY OVEN,

TENNIS RACKET RESTRINGER,IT'S LIKE 8.95.

[LAUGHTER]

AND I'D TO ASK MYSELF,WHY WOULD IT BE THAT BYPAYING LESS I GET MORE?

HOW IS IT THAT THE LESS I PAY THE MORE I GET?

AND I FIGURED OUT THERE'S ONLY ONE LOGICAL ANSWER.

THE GIANT, MULTI-NATIONAL MEGACORPORATIONS REALLY JUST

WANT ME TO BE HAPPY.THAT'S THE ONLY POSSIBLE ANSWER.

AND ALSO, YOU HAVE TO REMEMBERTHAT THE 8.95,

THAT'S AFTER THE FACTORY REBATE.

AND WE ALL KNOW HOW EASY IT IS TO GET THOSE.

"OH YEAH ARJ, ALL YOU GOT TODO IS CUT OUT THE CDCDCDT CODE

OFF THE SIDE OF THE BOX AND THEN TAKE THE RECEIPT

AND THEN GET THREE HAIRS FROM A GRAY CAT,

PUT IT ON A PAPER CLIP AND THEN TAPE IT TO THE SIDE

OF THE '92 VOLKSWAGEN JETTA, TAKE A PICTURE,

PHOTOCOPY THE PICTURE,DON'T SEND THE ORIGINAL

OR IT'S VOID. AND THEN WAIT 195 DAYS

AND THEY'LL SEND THE APPLICATION." IT'S SO EASY.

AND THEN YOU FINALLY GET THE CHECK AND IT SAYS,

"THIS CHECK IS VOID IF NOT CASHED IN-- OOPS, TOO LATE."

BUT NOW I HAVE A FAX MACHINE. I NEVER HAD ONE BEFORE.

AND I HAVE TO ADMIT THAT I'M EXCITED TO USE IT.

BUT THE PROBLEM IS I DON'T REALLY HAVE ANYTHING TO FAX.

I MEAN,TAKE A GOOD LOOK AT ME.

DO I LOOK LIKEI HAVE ANY DOCUMENTS...

[LAUGHTER]

THAT NEED TO BE SOMEWHERE IN A HURRY?

BUT I WANT TO USE MY NEW TECHNOLOGY.

SO, WHAT I'VE BEEN DOINGIS FAXING MY FRIEND'S

BLANK PIECES OF PAPER.SO, THEY'LL THINK THEIR

- FAX MACHINES ARE BROKEN. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THEN I GET TO HANG OUT WITH MY FRIEND'S, WHICH IS NO EASY TASK.

YOU KNOW, BECAUSE I ONLY HAVE LIKE THREE REALLY GOOD FRIENDS.

AND THEY GET WORSE EVERY YEAR. AND IT'S GOTTEN TO THE POINT

WHERE I THINK THEY'D RATHER HANG OUT WITH THEIR OWN KIDS

THAN HANG OUT WITH ME. AND I'M LIKE, "ALL RIGHT,

BUT, YOU KNOW REALLY WHERE'S THE LOYALTY, MAN?

I'VE KNOWN YOU FOR 25 YEARS.

HOW LONG HAVE YOU KNOWNYOUR BABY, LIKE A MONTH?

ALL RIGHT, JUDAS, WHATEVER."

I MAKE FRIENDSON THE INTERNET,VIRTUAL FRIENDS

ON A WEB SITE CALLED MY SPACE. I HAVE OVER 60 FRIENDS--

YEAH, AND THEY'RE ALWAYS READY TO HANG OUT.

ALL MY SPACER PALS ARE ALWAYS UP FOR IT.

THE OTHER DAY WE WENT TO THE ZOO.

"HEY MY SPACERS, YOU WANNA GO TO THE ZOO?"

"OKAY, TAKE THE LAPTOPOFF TO THE ZOO."

"OOH, LOOK AT THE GIRAFFE, 'SEND.'" HANGING OUT.

I'M A BIG ADVOCATE-- A BELIEVER IN THE INTERNET.

AND YOU MIGHT SAY, "YOU KNOW, YOU'RE CRAZY, ARJ."

YOU MIGHT SAY, "WHY DON'T YOU GO SMOKE SOME MORE WEED.

GO BACK INTO THE HILLS,YOU CRACKED OUT HIPPIE."

BUT I'LL SAY WHAT I BELIEVE. I BELIEVE THE INTERNET

IS GOING TO CHANGETHE WAY WE DO BUSINESS.

[LAUGHTER]

YEAH, LAUGH IT UP NAYSAYERS.

YOU KNOW OVER 10,000 PEOPLE A WEEK, USE THE INTERNET.

NOT SO FUNNY ANYMORE, HUH? EVERYONE USES THE INTERNET.

IT'S SO POPULAR, TOO. THERE'S CERTAIN WEB SITES

THEY GO CRAZY FOR, MY SPACE. GOOGLE IS RIDICULOUS.

EVERYBODY USES GOOGLE. AND THAT'S WHY GOOGLE

HAS SUCH AN ATTITUDEBECAUSE IT'S SO POPULAR.

IT'S CONCEITED. I MEAN, IT HAS A SERIOUS ATTITUDE.

HAVE YOU TRIED MISSPELLING SOMETHING LATELY? SEE THE TONE THAT IT TAKES?

- UM, DID YOU MEAN-- - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"VA-GINA"?

YEAH, THAT'S WHAT I MEANT. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEANT!

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEANTGOOGLE IMAGES!

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I MEANT VAGINA, PLUS '70s, PLUS BIG OLD AND HAIRY...

VINTAGE STYLE.

YOU KNOW WHAT THE WORST THING RIGHT NOW IS?

HERE'S ONE THING THAT REALLY UPSETS ME RIGHT NOW IS THE CELL PHONE COMPANIES.

I THINK IT'S ABSOLUTELY CRIMINAL--

CRIMINAL THE WAYTHE CELL PHONE COMPANIES

MAKE YOU SIT THROUGH ALL THOSE VOICEMAIL OPTIONS

WHEN YOU JUSTWANT TO LEAVE A MESSAGE

BECAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT THEY'RE DOING?

THEY'RE DOING IT INTENTIONALLY TO BURN UP OUR MINUTES

THAT WE'RE PAYING MONEYOUT OF OUR POCKETS FOR.

AND IT'S A CRIME. AND YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT?

AND YOU CALL YOUR FRIEND AND YOUJUST WANT TO LEAVE A MESSAGE.

"HEY, WHAT'S UP?I CAN'T ANSWER MY PHONE.

LEAVE A MESSAGEAND I'LL CALL YOU BACK."

"TO LEAVE A CALL BACK NUMBERFOR THIS PERSON, PRESS 1.

TO LEAVE A NUMBER WHERE YOU CAN BE REACHED, PRESS 2.

TO LEAVE ANUMERICAL PAGE, PRESS 3.

TO LEAVE A PAGE USING NUMERICALS, PRESS 4.

TO LEAVE A MESSAGE FOR THIS PERSON,

WAIT WHILE WE LIST OFFMORE ARCHAIC, IRRELEVANTAND REDUNDANT OPTIONS

NOBODY'S USED SINCE LIKE THE '30s.

TO GO CROSS COUNTRY SKIING WITH THIS PERSON, PRESS 6.

TO LEARN ABOUT GIRAFFES ANDTHEIR MIGRATORY HABITS, PRESS 7.

TO LEAVE AMESSAGE FOR THIS PERSON,SET YOUR PHONE DOWN

AND GO RENEW YOUR DRIVER'S LICENSE OR SOMETHING.

MEANWHILE, ENJOY THIS UNABRIDGED READING

OF THE BROTHERS KARAMAZOV, A CLASSIC PIECE OF

RUSSIAN LITERATURE, CHAPTER ONE,

THE SMALL RUSSIAN VILLAGE WAS SURROUNDED BY MOUNTAINS.

ONE DAY A FIGUREEMERGED FROM THE TREES."

NONE OF THE BROTHERS KARAMAZOV RECOGNIZED HIM.

'IDENTIFY YOURSELF,' SAID PETER KARAMAZOV

WHO WAS FEELING A LITTLE GRUMPY THAT MORNING. THE OLD MAN TOOK OFF HIS HAT

AND STROKED HIS FILTHY GRAY BEARD.

REGARDING THE THREE BROTHERS HE SPOKE."

'YOU DON'T KNOW WHO I AM? MY NAME'S WHISKEY PETE.

ANY OF YOU GUYS SEEN A PINE CONE AROUND HERE?

A GUY WANTS TO MAKE A WITHDRAWAL.

NOW IF YOU'LL EXCUSE MEI JUST MADE A DEPOSIT.'"

- OH NO, WHISKEY. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I'VE BEEN TOURING A LOT. I ACTUALLY WAS IN CINCINNATI.

AND I MET A GIRL AFTER THE SHOW.AND WE TALKED FOR TWO HOURS.

AND I THOUGHT WE WERE REALLY HAVING A HEART TO HEART,

REALLY OPENING UP THE HEART CHAKRA

AND REALLY GETTING TO KNOW EACH OTHER.

TWO HOURS WE TALKED. AND THEN SHE SAID,

"OKAY, I GOTTA GO HOME NOW."AND I SAID, "FINE, THAT'S COOL."

BUT I SAID, "HEY, MAYBE TOMORROW YOU CAN SHOW ME AROUND TOWN."

AND THERE'S PROBABLY SOME PEOPLE HERE THINKING,

"YEAH, YEAH, I BET YOU WANTED HER TO 'SHOW YOU AROUND TOWN'

YOU SCUMMY ROAD COMIC, ARJ." IS THAT WHAT YOU THINK JUDGERS?

WELL, LET ME DEFEND MYSELF. I'VE NEVER BEEN TO CINCINNATI!

I DON'T KNOW ANYBODY THERE! AND I WAS TRAVELING BY MYSELF.

SO YOU CAN THINK WHAT YOU WANT! BUT BELIEVE IT OR NOT

I HONESTLY THOUGHT IT WOULD BE FUN TO GET LAID!

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND THEN SHE PICKEDME UP IN HER CAR BECAUSEI WAS TRAVELING BY BUS.

AND I THOUGHT IT'D BE A LOT EASIER FOR HER

TO PICK ME UP IN HER CAR THAN FOR ME TO CONVINCE GREYHOUND

TO REROUTE THE BUS TO GO BY HER HOUSE.

THE PAPERWORK ALONE, LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE.

AND I GOT IN HER CAR. AND SHE NEVER MENTIONED THIS.

BUT ALL IN THE BACKSEAT OF HER CAR

WAS ALL THESE SESAME STREET BOOKS, STUFFED ANIMALS,

EVEN ONE OF THOSE GAMES WHERE YOU HAMMER THE SHAPES

INTO THE CORRESPONDING HOLES, OKAY.

NOW, I DON'T HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THIS.

BUT THAT'S A BIG PART OF YOUR LIFE.

AND THAT'S THE KIND OF THING I'D LIKE YOU TO BRING UP

IN A TWO-HOUR CONVERSATION BEFORE WE GO ON A DATE, RIGHT?

AND I WASN'T A JERK. BUT I CONFRONTED HER.

I SAID, "HEY, YOU DIDN'T TELL ME ABOUT THIS!

YEAH, YOU KNOWWHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!

YOU HAVE A LEARNING DISABILITY.

OH NO, I THINK YOU DO, 'CAUSE THAT SQUARE IS IN THE CIRCLE.

AND THAT'S A FREAKIN' EASY ONE.

IF YOU HAD PUT THE RHOMBUS IN THE PARALLELOGRAM

I MIGHT HAVE UNDERSTOOD,VERY SIMILAR SHAPES,

DECEIVINGLY SIMILAR. BUT THE SQUARE IN THE CIRCLE?

WHAT THE HELL'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?"

- [SIGHS] - [LAUGHTER]

AND YOU GET HOME AND YOU THINK YOUR FRIENDS

WOULD BE A LITTLE EXCITED FOR YOU LIKE,

"HEY, HOW'D IT GO? WHAT WAS IT LIKE?"

BUT MY FRIENDS, THEY ONLY WANT TO KNOW ONE THING.

"DID YOU SCORE? DID YOU SCORE?HEY GUESS WHAT? NEWS FLASH GUYS,

A DATE'S NOT A SPORTING EVENT. OKAY, A DATE'S AN OPPORTUNITY

TO BE IN THE PRESENCE OF ANOTHER INDIVIDUAL

AND CELEBRATE THE UNIQUEOSITY OF THAT PERSON.

AND NO,I DIDN'T [BLEEP] SCORE!

BUT I DON'T CARE, OKAY.BECAUSE I BELIEVE

THAT IF YOU GO ON A DATE AND YOU GET TO SECOND BASE

AND THEN YOU GO HOME ALONE AND RUB ONE OUT...

THAT'S LIKE RUNS BATTED IN.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WHY DON'T I GETANY CREDIT MAN?

I DROVE HOME THREE MILLION GHOST RUNNERS.

ALL RIGHT, TWO MILLION, I SMOKE WEED.

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