Jay Larson

  • Season 15, Ep 15
  • 03/11/2011

Jay Larson talks about bringing his own food to the movie theatre, describes how everything is good luck to his mother and explains why he isn't ready for kids.

scary after midnight?

Yeah, fact.

Factual information.

[audience laughing]

If your neighbor comes byto borrow a hose at 9:00 PM,

no big deal.

Two thirty in the morning,you're like,

"What the hell do youneed a hose for, bro?

"What do you needa hose for?"

You play the Oujia boardat 11:30 at night,

nothing happens.

2:45 in the morning,that thing is dancin'.

Spelling "Beezlebub,"giving you addresses

in Czechoslovakia somewhere.


[audience laughing]

I was in my bathroomthe other night.

Late, about 1:40.

Lights off.

Shower's behind me.

Water's dripping fromthe faucet slowly like,

"time is passing.

"Time is passing.

"You're scared.

"You're scared.

"Shower's behind you.

"Shower's behind you."

And I was like, "okay.

"I know there's somebodyin my shower right now.

[audience laughing]

"Don't freak out andrun for the door.

"That guy will stabyou in the face.

[audience laughing]

"Just relax, count to three,and then whack that curtain

"as hard asyou can."

[audience laughing]

And I was like,"one, two, three."

And I whacked the curtain,and there was no one there.

[audience laughing]

And I thought,"who is scared now?

"Not me.

"There's nobody in my shower,why would I be scared?"

[audience laughing]

Do you ever go to yourliving room late at night,

looking forthe light switch.

You're like, "just getit before he gets you.

"Just get it beforehe gets you."

[audience laughing]

[cheers and applause]


You just panicand just wait.

You just,like, freeze.

All of a sudden,a butterfly flies by.

You're like, "Nana!

"We're notalone, Nana!"

[audience laughing]

She's like, "Let memake you some eggs."

[audience laughing]

And you're like,"eggs again?"

And she's like,"with hot dogs?"

[audience laughing]

If you never had scrambledeggs with hot dogs as a kid,

you probably hada finished basement.

[audience laughing]

I get it.

with an unfinished basement?

[cheers and applause]


How many people grew upwith a finished basement?

[cheers and applause]

Rich kids.

[audience laughing]

If you grew up witha finished basement,

you don'tknow fear.

You don't knowwhat it's about.

[audience laughing]

You don't know aboutcement walls, and pipes,

and a cracked window with alittle cat outside like, "Meow."

[audience laughing]

Leftover stuff from the peoplethat lived there before you.

You're like,"Mom, what is this?"

She's like,"Never mind!

"Get the Halloweendecorations!"

You're like, "butI'm scared, Mom."

"Get 'em anyway!"


She's a little different thanthat lady with the butterfly,

isn't she?

[audience laughing]

She doesn't want to godownstairs, either.

I used to remember goin'downstairs, we had a back room

that was all by itself,and I'd be doin' my laundry,

and every time I'd do mylaundry, I'd be like, "okay.

"I know there'sa guy in the back.

"He's on the landfrom jail right now.

"Just be cool--Just be cool.

"Nothing's wrong--Nothing's wrong.

"He doesn'tknow you know."

And I'd walk real slow, andI'd be like, "No big deal.

"No big deal."

And then when I got to thestairs, I'd be like, pfeww!

Right up top.

[audience laughing]

And I'd look down and belike, "not today, buddy!

"Not today!"


[cheers and applause]

Basements are scary.

Scary stuff.

You know whatelse is scary?


[audience laughing]

You know they're comin'for you, right?

I don't know when you had onelast, but there is one lurking.

It'll get ya--It's like a bloody nose.

You'll getanother one.

[audience laughing]

The scariest thingabout a-a nightmare.

It's your mind.

It's not likea scary movie.

Your mindcreates it.

You wake up, you're like, "whywas I flying with a witch?"

And then you're cryinglike, "I'm crazy."

[audience laughing]

Just me?


You ever boughta plunger?

That's an embarrassingpurchase.

[audience laughing]

At first you thinkit's no big deal.

Standin' in line.

Swingin' it.

[audience laughing]

And then you realizeeverybody knows.

[audience laughing]

You got a situationat home.

[audience laughing]

Nobody buys a plungeron a whim, okay?


Tropical fruitSkittles, maybe.

Plunger-- No--Not happening.

People in linejudging you like, "oh.

"He's husky."

[audience laughing]

"I bet he likesthe fast food."

I'm used to beingembarrassed.

I was in the marchingband in High School.

Anybody elsego that route?


- What'd you play?

French horn.


That's, uh, that'sa tough call.

I played the bass drum--Those are not sexy instruments.

How many people inyour marching band?

Hundred and fifty.

We had 17in mine.

[audience laughing]


You know howembarrassing that is?

Our rival school, Running Mass,had 170 and a flag core,

the girlswith the flags.

[audience laughing]

We had one girl, shewaved a white flag.

[audience laughing]

They used to come on ourturf like red coats like--



We came in likeCharlie Brown like--


Like just bumping into eachother like, "Get out of the way!

"Go around--Go around!"

[audience laughing]

Seventeen people, wecouldn't make it happen.

Would you getmade fun of?

Yeah, of courseyou did.

It's not like you'regonna fight back, though.

You're wearin' acummerbund, and a plume.

You gota French horn.

[audience laughing]

Even me, Ihad a mallet.

You can't go withsomeone with a mallet.

It's embarrassing--You can't fight, you know?

My remedy, I used to justthrow words at people.

If they make fun of me, I'djust throw somethin' back

like, if they said somethin'to me I'd be like,

"that's a onomatopoeia!"

And I'd walk away.

[audience laughing]

No one knows whatthat word means.

You knowwhat I mean?

They would be like,"What's an onomatopoeia?"

[audience laughing]

The other thing to do if you getmade fun of, to get out of it,

is list a date fromhistory and a false event.

People have no ideahow to respond to that.

Can you make funof me real quick?

- Uh, nice sweatshirt.

- What is this 1755?

The incarnation?

[audience laughing and applause]

Everyone around him is gonna belike, "what was the incarnation?

"What happenedin 1755?"

You guyslike kids?


Love kids.

[cheers and applause]

You don't have to clap,they're not here, you know?

[audience laughing]

I like kids, too.

My favorite arethe little 12 month olds.

You ever see those kids--Twelve months?

It's justone year.

[audience laughing]

I like when they getthose fat, thunder fat,

jelly thunder trunks.

You ever seethose kids?

I want to eatthose kids.

[audience laughing]

My friend has one named,Zoe, and ever time I see her,

I just picture her in a bigpot of boiling chicken stock,

and I'm cuttin'carrots on the side.

Basting her.

I want one.

Not a kid--I just want one leg.

I want one leg-- I'd useit as a stress reliever.

Just to relax--Just to stay loose.

[audience laughing]

People are like,"What's up?"

I'm like, "Dude,I'm stressed.

"Just a baby's leg."

You ever see a kid laughin another language?


[audience laughing]

I was at the airport, and Isaw this little kid walking

with his parents, andhis parents were like,


And the kid waslike, "a-goo-boo-do.


[audience laughing]

And I thoughtto myself,

"How does he knowwhat they're saying?"

[audience laughing]

[cheers and applause]

You ever see a little kidthat acts like an old person?

They're like five years old,and you're like, "Hey!

"How youdoin', buddy?"

And they'rejust like...

[audience laughing]

"I've hada long day.

"I've hada long day."

It's like, "Bro,you're five.

"You might wantto relax."

[audience laughing]

My nephew Ben's like that--He's like a little old man.

And, like, I believehe's been reincarnated.

'Cause he's very formal.

He just seems like he'sfrom another time.

So every time I see himI just go up to him,

and I-I grab himby the shoulders,

and I'm like,"who are you?"

And he goes, "you'recrazy, Jason Larson."

'Cause he'll never call me Jay,it's always Jason Larson.

Very formal.

And I'm just hopin' one day he'sgonna let me in on the secret.

You knowwhat I mean?

I'm gonna grab him and I'llbe like, "Who are you?"

And he'll be like,"okay, you're ready."

[audience laughing]

And he's gonnaturn a wall sconce

and a bookshelfwill turn.

We'll be in a secret room,and he'll be writing

on parchment paper with a plumepen, stuffing a musket,

and he'll be like, "I was inthe war of 1812, Jason Larson."

A falcon will come downand give it the note.

"Thaddeus make haste."

And I'll be like, "Areyou Frances Scott Key?"

And he'll be like,Oh say can you see

[audience laughing]

into the movie theater.


- Above it.


I don't wantthat junk.

You know what I mean--Trying to stay lean.

Trying tostay fit.

The other day I went in and I-Ibrought a steak and cheese sub.

[audience laughing]

And as I started opening it,it made some noise,

and the woman that worked therecame to the edge of the aisle,

and she goes,"Excuse me, sir!

"Can't bring your own foodinto the movie theater."

And I looked her deadin the eyes, and I go,

"I have diabetes."

[audience laughing]

She walkedright away.

[audience laughing]



I don't know anybody-Idon't know anybody

eating steak and cheeseto keep their insulin up,

but, uh, do someinvestigating, lady.

I also like to eat foodin the grocery store

before I buy it.

[audience laughing]

I grab a bag of chips, andI walk around eating them,

and I look at people like,"Yeah I might pay for these.

"Not sure-- I haven'tmade up my mind yet."

Then when I check out, Itake out the empty bag

and I'm like, "Oh, yeah,I had these, too."

And the woman's like,"Oh, you're so honest."

And I'm like, "well,that's just how I am."

[audience laughing]

I don't tell her about the donutI had over at the bakery.

[audience laughing]

What's that?

A quarter?



Not tough.

Raised bya single mom.

You guys havemothers?

[audience laughing]

My mother likes everythingto mean something.

You know what I mean-- She wantsto attach meaning to things.

Last time I was home we weredriving her car, and I go,

"Hey, Ma, your odometerjust hit 60,000 miles."

And she goes,"that's good luck."

[audience laughing]

I go, "it is?"

And she's like, "well, it'sjust nice that you're here."

[audience laughing]

I was like, "you justcan't make up luck, Lady.

"You don't writefortune cookies, okay?

"That's notyour job."

But she loves it--Meaning.

We were outside talkin',having a conversation,

and as we were, abutterfly flew by.

My mother got quietand she goes,

"it's your grandmother."

[audience laughing]

And, like, I didn't wantto sell out my grandmother

and be like,"That's not nana!"

[audience laughing]

Because now myrealities changed.

Anytime I see a butterfly, or amoth I have to acknowledge it,

or I don'tlove my nana.

You know howembarrassing that is,

being at a professional footballgame with buddies tailgating,

flippin' burgers,drinkin' beers,

and having a butterflyfly by?

Bro, gonna havea huge game today.

Defense-- Number one inthe... in the league.

[audience laughing]


Jay, what's up?

Are you okay?

Yeah, yeah.

It's just, uh, it'sjust my grandmother.

[audience laughing]

Is she sick orwhat's goin' on?

No, no.

That's herright there.

[audience laughing]

Just think I'm gonna lookup and see a butterfly

with my nana's facelike, "Hey, J.J.!

"What's youcookin', buddy?"

[audience laughing]

I'd be like, "why areyou following me, nana?"

She'd be like,"Have a butterscotch."

[audience laughing]



- Here's a question.

If you could have onesuperpower, what would it be?

- Flight.

- Flight.

Flight for the peoplethat are intense.

Not to fly.


I'd like flight!

[audience laughing]

Just likethe Wright Brothers had.

[audience laughing]

The intensity's good.

Someone said invisible--That's a good one.

That's mine--That's what I love.

Anybody else?

- Super strength.

- Super strength?


Some people just saystrength, and you're like,

"You couldhave that."

Super though--You know what you want.

[audience laughing]

Throw an automobileto impress a girl.

Yeah, that's right.

Anyone else?

- X-ray vision.

- X-ray vision for the perv--Nice.

[audience laughing]

I know whatyou mean.

There's always one pervout there, you know?

- How about a lotof money?

- How about we're not gonnaopen it up to a forum.

[audience laughing]

How about a lot of money,like if I had a....

three weirdest answersI've ever got.

Three weirdest answers.

This woman goes, "To makepeople go to the bathroom."

[audience laughing]

I mean, what do you-- you'reat school, your teacher's like,

"That's notright, Theresa!"

Just sit inyour desk.

And you're justlike-- phew!

Teacher's like--

[audience laughing]


So weird.

Evil response.


My buddy and I got into a fightbecause I said invisible,

and he said fly.

He didn't get as intense asflight, but he said fly.

And, like, he couldn't fathomhow I'd rather be invisible

than fly.

And he was like, "Bro!

"Do you know what kind ofrush you get flying

"through the air?"

Like he knows,you know?

[audience laughing]

And I was like, "Bro, youknow what kind of rush you get

"following a family home andwatching them eat dinner?"

That's a rush.

Just pinned up againsta kitchen wall like,

""Who would eat pizza anddrink orange juice?

"That's toomuch acid."

[audience laughing]

Every time they take a biteto eat you just knock the fork

out oftheir hand.

Go in the kids room,grab a Cabbage Patch,

bring it throughthe living room.

[audience laughing]

Kids are crying,the husband's like,

""What's goingon Mary Ann?"

She's like, "Idon't know, Jack,

"But someone keepstickling me."

[audience laughing]

That's a rush.


to have kids.

It's scary.

My friend used to baby-sitthese two kids, five and three.

And, uh, one time she was there,and she went to their bedroom,

and knocked on thedoor, and they said,

"Hey, don't come in herewith our imaginary friend.

"If you come in,he's gonna leave."

She goes back tothe living room.

A little whilelater, goes back.

"Don't come in withour imaginary friend.

"If you come in,he's gonna leave."

She goes overto the neighbor.

Neighbor comes over,kicks the door in.

There are the two kids,five and three,

with a midgetdressed as a clown.

[audience laughing]


I know that--And weird.

Let's letit go.

[audience laughing]

Come back tothe story,

try and find alittle humor in it.

How about that?

[audience laughing]

My buddy goes, "Idon't believe you.

"I don'tbelieve it.

"Why didn't thekids say somethin'?

"Why didn't the kidstell the babysitter?"

I go, "Bro, if you're fiveand three and a midget clown

"hops through your windowand goes, 'Hey, Hey!

"'I'm your imaginary friend!'"

You would go,"yes, you are.

"Yes, you are."

[audience laughing]

What elsewould you be?



And like the clowngot away.

The clowngot away.

And my buddy's like, "How comethe guard didn't catch him?

"Why didn't theguard get him?"

And I go, "Bro, you can't seewhat your mind can't comprehend.

"If you kick that door open,and a midget clown ran by,

"you'd go like this, Whatthe hell's goin' on in here?

[audience laughing]

"What's the story?

"What's the hub-bub, kids?"

[audience laughing]

Is that howa neighbor talks?

Hey, it's the-it'sthe hubs.

I can'thave kids.


And that's because whenyou have children,

at some point, they're gonnacome in your room at night,

and ask you to investigatea noise they hear downstairs.

And I'm notready to do that.

[audience laughing]

Just have my daughtercome in like, "Daddy,

"I heard a noisedownstairs, Daddy."

Yeah, honey, uh, Iheard that noise, too.

[audience laughing]

Yeah, I'm reallyscared, Daddy.

Yeah, honey, uh,I'm scared, too.

[audience laughing]

That's why I was curled upin a ball in the corner

of the room.

[audience laughing]

You think you couldgo downstairs

and see whatit is, Daddy?

I don't thinkso, honey.

[audience laughing]

You see, you'refive years old,

you think there'sa goblin down there.

I'm 34, and I'm pretty sureit's a guy with an ax.

[audience laughing]

Maybe you shouldgo downstairs.

Mommy and I can makeanother one of you.

and I bumpedinto a guy.

And, uh, I mayhave been texting.

[audience laughing]

And I turned to apologizeand the guy goes,

"Go fly a kite,buddy!"

I had no idea howto respond to that.

[audience laughing]

Because clearly hewas upset with me,

yet he was wishing a funactivity upon me.

[audience laughing]

Like, I didn't know ifI should invite him.

Like, grab some lemonade--We'll make a day of it.

[audience laughing]

Like, when have you not hada good time flying kite?

When was that a bad timeand wished that on someone

you were upsetwith, you know?

How do you respond?

Like, "Go flya kite, buddy!"


[audience laughing]

That's a good time--That is a good time.

[cheers and applause]

I was wondering.

I'm like how else doesthis guy show his displeasure

with people?

You know what I mean-- Hegets cut off on the freeway.

He's like, "hey!

"Go tickle a baby!

"Go tickle a baby!"

[audience laughing]

'Cause that, too,is a good time.

And if you didn'tlaugh at that joke,

it's 'cause you'redead inside.

[audience laughing]