Wednesday, July 6, 2016

  • 07/06/2016

Marcella Arguello, Matt Braunger and Ron Funches rile up the Internet with "Iron Man" plotlines, list #DrunkBooks and turn famous people into wrestlers.

Marvel just announcedthat Iron Man will now be

a 15-year-old black girlnamed Riri Williams.

-FUNCHES: Hell, yeah. -Andthe-the Internet... Yes. I know.

Very awesome.The Internet, of course,

responded in it usual calmand open-minded manner.

"Iron man is woman? Really?!

(Bleep) you, Marvel,you getting sucks!"

(laughter)

-(applause)It's true. -Well...

-Yup.-BRAUNGER: Hey, I got...

-The math checks out on that.-BRAUNGER: I got

to tell you--I love getting sucks.

Thanks. Thanks, everybody.

HARDWICK:Comedians, uh,

seeing these guys angrycan be a lot of fun.

So, what's a plot linefrom the new Iron Man

that'll piss them off?

-Ron.-Okay.

Iron Man fires all the Avengersand replaces them

with the castof RuPaul's Drag Race.

-(cheers and applause)-HARDWICK: That'd be amazing.

-That'd be amazing.-BRAUNGER: It was good.

FUNCHES:It's pretty good.

Marcella.

She get's intoa polyamorous relationship

with the female Ghostbusters.

HARDWICK:All right, yeah. Points.

-(applause and cheering)-Matt Braunger.

The villain's name is literally

Comic Book-CollectingMediocre White Guy

Who Lives With His Mom.

-HARDWICK: All right, perfect.Perfect. -ARGUELLO: Ooh. Wow.

It's now timefor the #HashtagWars.

(applause and cheering)

Hey, viewer, do you love readingwhile drunk, but you're tired

of getting kicked outof the public library?

Well, good news!

Barnes & Noble'sgonna start selling booze!

-(whooping, applause)-Wow! Sure!

You...

(laughs) Everyone'sfavorite place to read manga

on a dirty carpet will nowhave a two-drink minimum

and... and they'll let youspill wine inside of it.

But I betthe self-help section's

gonna be a party time,so in honor of Barnes & Noble

putting the "lit" in literature,

tonight's hashtag is#DrunkBooks.

Examples might be: Atlas Chugged, uh...

and: Catcher in the Ginger Ale, Please, I'm Driving.

I'm gonna put 60 secondson the clock, and begin.

-Ron Funches. -As I Lay Puking.

-All right, points.-(laughter)

-Braunger. -The Three Musty Beers.

Points! Marcella.

-Moby Whiskey Dick. -All right, points.

(laughter)

Ron.

-Tequila Mockingbird. -Points!

(cheering, whistling, applause)

Matt Braunger.

A Farewell to Arms and the Contents of My Stomach.

All right, points. Ron.

The Lion, That Bitch, and That Court Order I'm Not Following.

All right, points. Marcella.

Are You There, Floor? It's Me, Face.

Points.

-Marcella. -The Fermented Grapes of Wrath.

All right, points.

-Ron. -The Secret Is... I'm Drunk.

All right, points. Braunger.

Moby's a Dick Since He Started Drinking Again.

All right, good. Perfect.

The WWE Summer Slamis nearly upon us

and wrestling fansacross the country

are getting all swolled up.

Wrestlers always have the bestnames, like Andre the Giant,

Sgt. Slaughter, Stone Cold,Dwayne Johnson.

So, comedians, I'm gonna showyou some folks and I want you

to tell me whattheir wrestling name should be.

First up, Wolf Blitzer, which isalready a good wrestling name.

Ron.

Skinny Colonel Sanders.

Points. Points.

Whoopi Goldberg.Matt Braunger.

Shawl and Sunglass Kick-Ass.

-All right, points. -Can I sayone that I wanted to say?

What, what?

Black Doctor Octopus.

All right, points.Points.

Next up, next up,Martin Shkreli. Martin Shkreli.

Marcella.

Man-kind Of.

All right, points.

Next up, next up, the pope.The pope. Matt Braunger.

Sweet Francis, the Fist of God.

All right, points.Sweet Francis.

Next up, next up,Dwayne Johnson. Ron.

Beyoncé for Boys.

BRAUNGER:Nice.

And then, finally, finally,

Taylor Swift and Tom Hiddleston.Marcella.

Ivory and Ivory.

All right, points.