Week of 2/4/2013 - Carolla, Black, Small

  • Season 2, Ep 5
  • 02/05/2013

Adam Carolla, Michael Ian Black and Sherrod Small ridicule Grammy nominees; Jeff has Friendly Fire with his barber and celebrates Black History Month on MLK Blvd.

>> I LIKE THAT.

CONGRATULATIONS TO THE RAVENS

FOR WINNING THE SUPER BOWL.

THE LOMBARDI TROPHY IS IN

BALTIMORE WHERE IT WILL REMAIN

UNTIL SOMEONE STEALS IT AT

GUNPOINT.

WITH THE A GAME.

SO MANY UPS AND DOWNS.

OF COURSE, I'M TALKING ABOUT

BEYONCE'S TITS.

IT'S GRAMMY WEEK IN L.A.

THIS SUNDAY, ALL OUR QUESTIONS

WILL BE ANSWERED.

WHO WILL WIN?

WHO WILL LOSE?

WHO WILL DROWN IN A BATHTUB?

LL COOL J IS HOSTING BECAUSE

IT'S HARD IT FIND A RAPPER OUT

OF PRISON THAT CAN PRONOUNCE

GAUTIER.

HE'S BEEN AROUND FAR DECADE,

BUT HE DIDN'T START ANNOYING

PEOPLE UNTIL THIS YEAR.

>>

♪ NOW YOU'RE JUST SOMEBODY THAT

I USED TO KNOW ♪♪

>> NO ONE RECOGNIZES HIM.

THEY TREAT HIM LIKE A STRANGER

AND IT FEELS SO ROUGH.

POOR GAUTIER.

GO AWAY.

EVERY GUY KNOWS SOMEONE LIKE

GAUTIER AND YOU ARE PROBABLY

[BEEP] HIS GIRLFRIEND.

THE BAND FUN IS NOMINATED FOR

BEST NEW ARTIST.

>>

♪ SOME NIGHTS I CALL IT ♪♪

>> THEY HAVE A PERIOD AT THE

END OF THEIR NAME AND ONCE A

MONTH.

IT REMINDS ME OF QUEEN EXCEPT

THE LEAD SINGER DOESN'T HAVE

THE BALLS TO COME OUT OF THE

CLOSET.

RICK ROSS SURVIVED A DRIVE-BY

SHOOTING LAST WEEK.

GIVE IT UP FOR RICK ROSS.

HE'S ALIVE.

HE'S ALIVE BECAUSE THE SHOOTER

FORGOT TO USE AN ELEPHANT GUN.

IT'S THE FIRST DRIVE-BY AT A

DRIVE-THRU.

INVESTIGATORS SAY THEY

RECOVERED 18 BULLET CASINGS AND

54 SAUSAGE CASINGS.

HE'S BEEN SPENDING A LOT OF

TIME IN THE RECORDING BOOTH.

THE CEREMONY ISN'T EXPECTED TO

GO ON FOR LONGER THAN THREE

HOURS.

JUST LONG ENOUGH FOR TAYLOR TO

FALL IN LOVE, GET DUMPED AND

WRITE [BEEP] SONGS ABOUT IT.

AND GANGNAM STYLE GOT NO GRAMMY

NOMINATIONS.

PSY THOUGHT HE WAS LAUNCHING A

CAREER, BUT LIKE EVERYTHING

KOREAN LAUNCHES, IT WAS NOTHING

TO BE WORRIED ABOUT.

NO WOMAN DESERVES TO BE PUNCHED

BECAUSE FOR GAUTIER.

SO GOOD LUCK TO ALL THE

NOMINEES, EXCEPT FOR YOU, CARLY

RAE JEPSEN!

IF YOU DON'T LIKE THAT JOKE,

>> SAY HI TO MY FRIENDS.

THIS WEEK'S ROASTERS, MICHAEL

IAN BLACK.

AND MY BUDDY FROM NEW YORK,

SHERROD SMALL, EVERYBODY. AND

MY FIRST BOSS, ADAM CAROLLA.

>> WHITE GUY!

WHITE AUDIENCE.

YEAH, YEAH.

>> CALM DOWN.

CALM DOWN.

>> YOU KNOW.

WHITE PEOPLE.

>> HERE TO SUPPORT ME.

>> SHERROD, YOU LOOK GREAT.

YOU ARE DRESSED LIKE DIANGO

UNEMPLOYMENT.

READY, AUDIENCE?

LOOK AT YOUR HAIR.

AND YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT ME?

>> WHAT'S WRONG WITH MY HAIR?

>> YOU LOOK LIKE A HOMELESS

SHIRLEY TEMPLE.

>> I LIKE THE DENIM.

IT HAS THAT BILLY JACK OFF LOOK.

>> I LOVE THOSE BILLY JACK

MOVIES.

THEY WERE GOOD ONES.

I KNOW MICHAEL A LONG TIME.

I WENT TO HIS WEDDING.

HE MARRIED A WOMAN.

IT'S CRAZY.

>> I MARRIED A WOMAN WITH A

PENIS.

[LAUGHTER]

>> THERE'S MY JOKE.

>> YOU LOOK EXACTLY THE SAME

WHEN I MET YOU 20 YEARS AGO.

>> WOW.

>> IT'S NOT A COME PRELIMINARY

-- COMPLIMENT.

YOU LOOK THE SAME.

>> THE HAIR IS EXTRA LONG.

FROM THE BACK, YOU LOOK LIKE AN

UGLY WOMAN.

AND THEN YOU TURN AROUND, YOU

LOOK LIKE AN UGLY JEWISH WOMAN.

>> 55th ANNUAL GRAMMY AWARDS

ARE ON THIS SUNDAY.

ARE YOU GOING TO WATCH THAT

SHOW?

>> YEAH, I'M PUMPED.

>> YOU ARE?

>> YEAH.

I LOVE LL COOL J'S COMEDY.

>> LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING.

WHY DO YOU GET TO NAME YOURSELF

WHATEVER THE [BEEP] YOU WANT

AND EVERYBODY GOES ALONG WITH

IT?

QUEEN LATIFAH, LITTLE ROMEO.

IF I TOLD MY WIFE, IT'S NOW

MAN-AIZE.

THEY WOULD BE LIKE, NO, WE'RE

STOCKING WITH DOUCHE BAG.

>> YOU SURE YOUR NAME IS

SHERROD OR DID YOUR DAD GO,

SURE, ROD'S A GOOD NAME?

>> THAT'S A JOKE.

HIS DAD WASN'T IN THE PICTURE.

>> THERE YOU GO.

>> COME ON, WHITE PEOPLE!

COME ON.

>> THIS WILL BE FUN.

>> OH, YES.

>> WHEN?

>> OH, YEAH.

>> I'M GLAD YOU PUT ME NEXT TO

ADAM.

EVERY TIME HE OPENS HIS MOUTH,

CAN I SMELL JIMMY KIMMEL'S

BALLS.

>> EVERY TIME YOU FART, I SMELL

THAT DUDE'S BALLS.

>> THIS IS THE UGLIEST SET I'VE

EVER SEEN.

>> I LOVE MY SET.

>> OH, MY GOD.

IT'S THE SECOND UGLIEST THING

ON THIS STAGE RIGHT NOW.

FIRST OFF, IT'S NOT EVEN A SET.

>> I THINK IT'S COZY.

IT'S LIKE A HEADQUARTERS.

>> YEAH.

FOR AL-QAEDA.

>> WHAT DO YOU THINK WILL BE

BIGGEST ALBUM OF THE YEAR?

>> THE FUN SONG.

>> I THOUGHT YOU WERE THE LEAD

SINGER UNTIL JUST NOW.

>> THAT FUN SONG WAS HEARD MORE

IN SCHOOLS THIS YEAR THAN

GUNSHOTS.

>> I LOVE MICHAEL.

MICHAEL'S WIT IS DRYER THAN HIS

WIFE'S [BEEP].

>>

HE'S RIGHT.

>> IS THAT RIGHT?

>> WHAT'S NEXT?

>> A BUNCH OF STUDENTS IN A LAS

VEGAS HIGH SCHOOL PISSED OFF

SOME PARENTS WHEN THEY SHOWED

UP DRESSED AS THE K.K.K. FOR A

SCHOOL PROJECT.

>> WHO IS THAT DUDE?

IT'S LIKE A FAT AS PINATA.

MEXICANS, BEAT THE CANDY OUT OF

THAT [BEEP].

BEAT THE CANDY OUT OF HIM.

>> MY COUSIN ED WAS THE LARGEST

BABY EVER BORN.

15 POUNDS, RIGHT?

>> YEAH.

>> YOUR MOTHER'S VAGINA MUST

LOOK A MESS.

>> IT'S NOT A VAGINA ANYMORE.

IT'S CALLED A VANANUS.

IT TURNED INTO ONE BIG OPENING.

YOU JUST HIRED HIM TO STAND

NEXT TO YOU BECAUSE IT'S THE

ONLY THING THAT YOU CAN PUT

NEXT TO YOU THAT MAKES YOU LOOK

GOOD.

YOU ARE TIRED OF HOLDING A

PIECE OF [BEEP] NEXT TO YOU.

YOU HAVE THIS GUY.

>> TWO KIDS WENT TO SCHOOL

DRESSED UP IN KLAN OUTFITS TO

MAKE A POINT IN THEIR U.S.

HISTORY CLASS.

THE KID PLAYING THE TREE HAS AN

IMPORTANT ROLE IN THIS PLAY.

>> I HEARD TWO OF THE KIDS WERE

MEXICANS.

THEY WERE THERE FOR THE FREE

SHEEP.

>> YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW

WHAT'S IN THAT SCHOOL'S HOME EC

OVEN.

>> IS THAT A HOLOCAUST

REFERENCE?

>> YES.

>> DUDE.

>> ALTHOUGH IF I ASKED MY

9-YEAR-OLD IF HE WOULD LIKE IT

PLAY A GRAND WIZARD, HE WOULD

BE LIKE, COUNT ME IN, POPS.

SOUNDS AWESOME.

>> YOU DON'T WANT TO WHITEWASH

HISTORY.

IT HAPPENED IN OUR PAST.

WE HAVE TO ACKNOWLEDGE IT.

WE DON'T LIKE IT.

IT'S LIKE ADAM'S FILM CAREER.

JUST ACKNOWLEDGE THAT IT

HAPPENED AND MOVE ON.

>> YOU'RE RIGHT.

>> IT'S IMPORTANT.

>> IT HAPPENED IN LAS VEGAS.

I CAN'T BELIEVE THERE WERE

CLEAN SHEETS IN LAS VEGAS.

>> THAT'S THE LEAST OFFENSIVE

OUT

TO LAS VEGAS.

>> WHAT'S NEXT, ED?

>> IRAN TOOK ONE GIANT STEP FOR

IRANIANS LAST WEEK WHEN THEY

JAMMED A MONKEY INTO A ROCKET

AND SHOT IT UP INTO SPACE.

>> AND WHEN DOES PRESIDENT

AHMADINEJAD GET BACK?

>> EVERYTHING IN IRAN IS SHORT

AND HAIRY, SO HOW DO YOU TELL?

>> WHY DO THEY NEED TO SEND A

MONKEY INTO OUTER SPACE?

WHY DIDN'T THEY JUST STONE

SOMEBODY?

TAKE A CHICK CAUGHT DOING A

MATH EQUATION AND SHOVE HER IN

THERE.

>> YOU'RE RIGHT.

>> HEY, BITCH, YOU ARE READING.

WE SAW YOU LOOKING AT THAT

STREET SIGN.

DON'T TELL ME YOU WEREN'T

READING IT.

NOW GET IN THE SHUTTLE.

>> THE MEDIA IS SAYING IT'S A

HOAX BECAUSE THE MONKEY THAT

WENT UP LOOKS DIFFERENT THAN

THE MONKEY THAT CAME BACK.

NOT THE JEWFANT.

>> TLC'S "MY STRANGE ADDICTION"

COMES BACK AND THEY BOOKED A

FAT CHICK THAT EATS CAT HAIR

LIKE IT'S GOING OUT OF STYLE.

>> JUST CHEWING IT IS RELAXING.

HER FUR IS SUCH AN INTERESTING

TEXTURE.

IT'S SO SOFT AND SALTY.

>> I'M SO GLAD THAT WAS A WHITE

WOMAN.

>> THAT LADY'S PERFECT FOR YOU.

SHE'S FAT, WHITE AND EATS HER

OWN PUSSY.

JUST SAYING.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

>> DOES SHE HAVE A SISTER?

>> SHE'S 300 POUNDS.

SHE HAS TO BE SNEAKING IN A

COUPLE OF BUGLES INTO THIS CAT

HAIR DIET OF HERS.

>> HER FAVORITE ICE CREAM IS

TOM & JERRY'S.

I'VE NEVER HEARD OF THIS.

NEVER HEARD OF THIS.

IT WAS BAFFLEING TO ME.

>> SHERROD, IT'S ANOTHER THING

I'VE NEVER HEARD OF.

>> HOW GODDAMN CONFUSED IS THE

PLUMBER GOING TO BE.

HE'S GOING TO BE, WE HAVE A --

WHAT THE?

WHAT'S BEEN [BEEP] --

>> THIS LADY COULD LIVE ON ONE

OF YOUR EYEBROWS FOR A YEAR.

>> WE OUGHT TO GET TOGETHER.

YOU KNOW SHE HAS A COUPLE OF

ON-LINE RELATIONSHIPS GOING,

TOO.

WELL, I'M SWEDISH.

I'M BLONDE.

I'M 5'11."

I DON'T EVEN MY CAT'S HAIR.

DO YOU WATCH "CATFISH?"

ACT ONE, SHE'S MY SOULMATE.

I NEVER GET TIRED OF HER WORDS

OR HER VOICE.

TWO, SHE'S FAT.

[BEEP], BITCH.

YOU DON'T NEED TO WATCH IT.

THAT'S WHAT IT IS.

>> PRETTY MUCH WHAT IT IS.

>> YOU HAVE SOME CAT HAIR ON

YOUR SWEATER.

>> I DO.

Loading...