April 7, 2016 - Jake Tapper

  • 04/07/2016

Larry reverts to his 70s-era Soul Daddy persona while examining modern-day issues facing America with Jake Tapper, Ricky Velez and Holly Walker.

How's it going?Thank ya very much.

(cheering, whooping, applause)

Thank you.

Goddamn!

Hey, everybody, all right,shut the (bleep) up.

You know what I'm saying?

Nice to be here in 2016.

It's a long way from 1976.

All right!Good to be here.

I heard y'all gotan election going on, right?

-(audience members whooping)-Yeah?

All right, who's running?

The battle for the nominationintensifies.

Hillary Clinton and Senator Bernie Sanders

are fighting for the Empire State's

247 Democratic delegates.

(chuckles): Goddamn,you got some mama runnin'? Okay.

Okay... Oh, wait, hold on.

Is that Bernie?

-(laughter)-Oh, (bleep)!

Oh, (bleep), that's my boy!

(laughter, applause)

Now, hold on.

-(whooping) -I'm telling you...

Oh... mother(bleep).

He was with me-- Huey Newton protesting in Oakland in'73!

Damn, Ber... I'm shocked thatmother(bleep) still alive.

Bernie was oldin my time, right?

I got him number twoin my death pool

right behindthe San Diego Chicken.

Lifespan of chicken's only what,seven, eight years?

Some (bleep) like that.

But damn, all right,you got a lady runnin'.

That's cool, that's cool.

Um, man, uh, I wonderwhat the current president

thinks about that.

People expect the presidentof the United States...

Hold on, hold on, hold on,

hold on, guys, hold on.

(laughter)

(applause)

Now, that (bleep) not funny.

That's not funny, mother(bleep).

I said show me the president,

not a brother talking about the president.

Who's that, the presidentof the NAACP or some (bleep)?

(laughter)

(chuckles) I don't knowthat mother(bleep).

Show me the presidentof the United States.

People expect the presidentof the United States

and the elected officialsin this country

to treat these problemsseriously.

Shut the front door.

(laughter)

That's the president?

AUDIENCE MEMBERS:Oh, yeah! Yeah!

Damn, 2016!

Soul Daddy just gota pride boner.

-Right? Right?-(laughter, applause)

Damn!

(whooping)

Oh! I guess the Black Pantherscame through.

I told you they would.

I knew America wouldembrace them after a while.

Good, uh, good job,mother(bleep).

You guys fixed racism.Good on you.

That's some good (bleep), man.All right, who else is running?

When Mexico sends its people,they're not sending their best.

They're bringing drugs,they're bringing crime,

their rapists...

Oh, (bleep),I guess you didn't fix racism.

(laughter)

(laughs):Right?

This one (bleep) knowswhat I'm talking about, right?

Wait, hold on a second.

Hold... That Trump catlooks just like

this honky named Donny, um, thatI partied with back in my day.

Donny's crazy, y'all.You're l... No, no, hold on.

Donny's crazy.His dad sells real estate

or some (bleep) like that,but, um,

I could almost swear that's him.

Back in the summer of '75,listen, me and Donny,

we were at Studio 54with Lee Majors

and, um,Isaac from The Love Boat.

You know whatI'm talking about, right?

No, hold on. This is true.So, I saw Donny snort cocaine

off the Six MillionDollar Man's dick.

I'm not makingthat (bleep) up, man.

It's true.That's some true (bleep).

Mm-hmm.

He got a bionic dick, too.

-(laughter)-Mm-hmm.

(chuckles):He do.

Let me tell you something,$5 million of that $6 million

went into that dick,I'll tell you that.

That's a fact.

That is a fact.All right, what's going on next?

Let's see. All right.

Our next story's aboutsome babies or some (bleep).

All right.

Yep, plump little sex trophies,that's what I call 'em.

All right, babies,whatcha been up to?

NEWSWOMAN: San Francisco now the first U.S. city

to mandate six weeks of paid leave for new parents.

(whooping, applause)

You guys like that (bleep), huh?That's what you need now?

Too bad that law's onlyfor the mamas, though, right?

NEWSWOMAN: The new law applies to both men and women...

(applause, whistling, whooping)

(bleep)

Damn! Six weeks of paid leaveis for the daddies, too!

Damn, with the number of fineladies I've gotten pregnant...

-(bleep)-(laughter)

Right? I'd have 300 weeks offjust last year.

(chuckles)

(bleep)

Mother(bleep),y'all are crazy, man.

Not that crazy (bleep)surprises me

from Sanny Franny, man,the birthplace of Rice-A-Roni.

-Hey, let me ask you,you ever... -(laughter)

Right?Let me tell you something,

you ever mix Rice-A-Roniwith, um...

some blue Curacao...

and a little crushed-uprhino horn?

That's the San Francisco treat.

(laughter)

Right?

We got some high mother(bleep)in here tonight, right?

(woman whoops)

-Yeah, there you go.-(laughter)

Yeah.

Give me your number, baby.

Give it to me later.

All right,let's keep on truckin'.

Show me the next story.

All right. "Rampaging radioactive wild boars

"causing havoc near Fukushima nuclear plant

and breeding like rabbits."

Man, I knew that (bleep)was gonna happen in 1972!

I called that.

2016, that's the one storyyou've got that makes sense.

Mm-hmm.

That ain't (bleep), man.

All right, now we getto my top story.

This is my favorite.This is absolutely true.

"Sex toy causes bomb scare

in German gambling hall."

All right? This isa true story. This is...

Yo, this is from 2016.So, some guy left

his battery-powered penis ringin the bathroom.

They had to evacuate, right?

-(laughter)-Okay. Right?

That's some crazy (bleep),right? All right.

So, I want to know...

what kind of world is this

where you can't leaveyour (bleep) ring behind...

(laughter)

...in a German gambling hall--right?--

without everybody gettingall up in arms?

You know what I'm say...I mean, come on, now,

that's what (bleep) ringsare for.

You use it and youpay it forward, right?

Damn.

It's like-it's like those,uh, what are those--

those little penny dishesat the convenience store.

Take a (bleep) ring,leave a (bleep) ring,

you know what I'm saying?Yeah.

I swear, I don'tunderstand this (bleep).

I tell you, we got a saying...Oh, (bleep).

We got a saying in 1976.

If you love a (bleep) ring,let it go.

If it comes back to your wang,

then it was always meant to be.

Well, all in all,it looks like 2016

is just as freaky deakyand dyn-o-mite as '76.

We'll be right backwith a little bit more.

-♪ -(cheering, applause)

Yeah. All right.

Welcome back.Thanks, (bleep).

Y'all are nice, man,I appreciate it.

This is Soul Daddy bringing youall my soul from 1976.

Now, look, I got to bring upthis whole, uh,

chick running for presidentthing again.

Uh, I mean I get it.

I voted for Shirley Chisholmin '72. Right?

Man. And I've alwayssupported ladies

in position of power,like reverse cowgirl.

That's a powerful position,am I right? Right?

But the question isis America ready

for such a big change?So anyway,

we need to rap about this,so I brought two cats

from back in my timeto debate this

the way y'all do iton cable these days.

So, here's anotherout of sight installment

of Pardon the Integration.

-You jive-talking son a ofa bitch! -You're not working

-for the -Come on, chickenhead!-(bell dings)

Please welcome Nightly Show contributors

Mike Yard and Rory Albanese.

-(cheering, applause)-What up?

All right, gentlemen,

tonight's topic is ready...

is America ready for the firstfemale president?

Mike, you'll takethe pro-sister side and Rory,

and you'll be againstlady presidents.

-All right, you ready?-Groovy, my brother.

Hey, Larry, you gonna show usphotos of these proposed

lady presidents? 'Cause I'd liketo nominate Susan Anton, man.

(laughs) No, Jane Kennedy,baby. Jane Kennedy.

All right, c... calm down, dogs.Calm down, all right?

-Those foxy chicks aren't gonnabe at the show, okay? -Damn.

Now, um, let's havea good debate. Y'all ready?

Okay. And begin.

Look, a chick presidentwould be righteous, okay?

They just as with it as men.And because they have been

held up... held back by the Man,

they are copaceticwith the struggle.

No way, man, ladiesare a sacred species

that must be protected, okay?

Like the American buffalo, youknow what I'm talking about?

Everybody hates the president,

but who doesn'tlove the ladies, right?

I mean, I don't wanta lady's finger on the button.

I want my fingeron her button. Come on.

Oh, hold on-- after I buy hera nice dinner, of course.

-I'm not a dog, right?Come on. -Right.

-Yes, you are a dog, okay?-What?

'Cause womencan do whatever they

put they minds too, brother.They could even drive trucks

and operate CBs on their own.

-That's true.-Yeah. What's up, foxy lady?

Headed straightfor equal rights, baby.

-Right on.-All right. -Right on.

Mike, but why would a broadeven dig being the prez, man,

when she can be the first lady,

like that brick houseBetty Ford?

Damn, man.

I'll take a sliceof that cake any day.

Damn it, she is the first lady,not a piece of cake.

-Then why does shetaste so sweet? -What?

-Did you (bleep) Betty Ford?-Maybe. -(bell dings)

All right, cats.All right, cats.

We'll talk about you (bleep)the first lady later, all right?

-Whatever works, bro.-Uh, that noise means it's time

to switch sides and arguethe opposite (bleep).

'Cause remember,this is a jive turkey argument

of the typethat they do on cable.

Well, hold on, now, sucker,hold on one second.

'Cause my future selfwarned me about this here, okay?

This is where you alwaystry to make me look like

-a real jive-ass chump,ain't it? -Oh, now, come on.

Don't trip, my man. Myfuture self does that (bleep),

not me. This soul brother'sgonna cut you some slack, Jack.

-Mm. All right, all right.-All right, all right.

Now, Rory, you gonnadig on a chick president,

Mike, you gonna be againstmamas ever being seen as equal.

-Got it? -Dynamite, man,dynamite. -What?

All right. And begin.

Uh, o-okay. Uh, look,Amer-America

is-is not ready for a chickpresident because no...

there's no chick governors,there's not even chick senators.

Like, a woman wouldn't be seen

as qualified to beour commander-in-chief.

Oh, typical Nixon surrogateMike Yard

-is rearing his head again.-What?! Hold on.

-Ragging on women as usual,huh, Mike? -Nixon?

Just becausethey haven't done it

doesn't mean they're notgonna be great at it, Mike.

W-Wait a minute. Wait a...That's not fair.

Look, alls I'm saying is thatthere's no way America is ready

for a fine filly to be prez

because womenjust aren't seen that way.

Like, okay, like,if your mama...

-What? -...wanted to bein the senate... -Whoa.

-What? -Well, hold on, now,hold on, now... -Whoa.

Oh, hold on, now,all I'm saying is if your mama

wanted to be in the senate,that would feel weird,

because you see heras your mama.

Why are you bringing my motherinto this right now?

Yeah, yeah, Mike. Why yougot to talk about his mama?

Thank you, Larry.

Well, hold... (bleep) Hold on,now, cat daddy, hold on.

I just meanthat there's just no way

to just walk into a jobthat hard. That's all.

Really, Mike?You know what's hard?

Being a wife, all right?Raising the kids.

Bringing home less baconthan a man for the same work.

That's why the presidencyis gonna be a cinch for a lady.

Am I right, sisters?Come on.

-(cheering, applause)-Yeah.

Right on, Rory, right on.

-Stand up for the ladies.-Thanks, Larry. -(bell dings)

And the winner's Rory,because even though

he's a jive honky, he gets itwhen it comes to equal rights

-for chicks, right? He gets it.All right. -Right. Larry,

if you don't mind,I would like to celebrate my win

by inviting all the ladiesin your audience

-back to my pad for some fondueand PCP. -All right.

-All right, yeah.-Everybody's invited.

I can't believe you, Larry.You lied to you me, brother.

-I trusted you, man.-Oh, shut up, (bleep),

you're going backto the wormhole.

Come on, Larry. You knowI wasn't talking about his mama!

(high-pitched): You jive turkeysucker! I'm-a put the...

This has been anotherstone cold episode

of Pardon the Integration.

Mike Yard and Rory Albanese,everybody.

Love, peace and soul.We'll be right back.

-♪ -(cheering, applause)

Welcome back!

I'm here with my panel. First upis Nightly Sho cat Ricky Velez.

(cheering and applause)

And Nightly Show chickHolly Walker.

(cheering and applause)

And this cat over hereis a CNN anchor

and the network'sChief Washington Correspondent,

as well as the anchorof the CNN weekday news show

The Lead with Jake Tapper and host of the Sunday morning

affairs program State of the Union.

He's no jive turkey.He's dyn-o-mite.

He's the coolest of cats.He's Jake Tapper.

-Yeah!-(cheering and applause)

And for everyone at home,join our conversation right now

on Twitter, @NightlyShow,using the hashtag, #Tonightly,

whatever the (bleep) that means.I don't know.

I have no idea.

All right. We're gonna do thingsa little different tonight.

Uh, we're gonna do itlike a key swap party.

Y'all know what a key party is?

All right. They still do that?

They still...You (bleep) do it, right?

All right,here's how it goes down.

I got a fishbowl full of keyswith different subjects on them.

Just reach in, grab a key,and then we'll talk

about that (bleep), okay?I'll tell you what.

I-I'll go first, all right?Okay.

-There you go.-(laughter)

That's my hotel key.

All right.

Okay.

Right in there.Put that in there.

There you go.

All right, sexy mama,you go next.

That looked morelike a motel key.

Yeah. That's right.It is a motel.

Uh, Election 2016.

Election 2016.That's a good one.

That's right up your alley,right?

All right, Election 2016.

All right,this is a big election year.

Now, I hear you guys have gota chick running.

That's pretty cool, right?So let me ask you this,

should a brick house bein the White House?

I think a brick house is betterthan a (bleep) house.

-Um, and that's what we... Yeah.-Yeah.

And that's exactly what we gotwith George W. Bush, so...

I thought you were talkingabout that orange mother(bleep)

-that's running right now.-Oh.

-That, too. Him, too.Him, too. Yeah. -Do you think...

do you think this foxy mamahas a chance?

-Pardon me?-Do you think...

do you think, um...

do you think this foxy mama hasa chance to be the president?

-Sure, absolutely.Hillary Clinton, yes. -Yeah?

Absolutely.She has a-a very good chance

-to be the Democratic nominee,and... -You think so?

I'm the straight man here,aren't I?

I don't know, man. I got nothingagainst a foxy mama

telling me what to do. I thinkI said that earlier, right?

Uh, who's-who's got thebest chance of knocking her out?

Well, she has, uh,tough competition

from your-your old friend,uh, Bernie Sanders.

Yeah, that man's wild.I can't even tell you...

-Drink to that.-Do you think, uh...

do you think America's readyto be led by a female, though,

-right now?-I don't. I-I do.

I do think it's ready fora female but not that female.

-I think Hillary has a lotof baggage on her. -Yeah.

She has a lot of baggage.She's like if you were

to go adopt a dog andyou went to Mike Vick's house

to pick one up.Like, you don't...

-you don't...-I don't know what that means.

-Who-Who's Mike Vick?-It's gonna bite you

sooner or later!It's gonna bite you!

-It knows some (bleep).-Dog from a dog fighting ring.

-He's a football player?Oh, okay. -Football player.

I think definitely some peopleare opposed to her

because she has the toughesttr... uh, time with-with men.

-I mean, especially olderwhite men are the ones -Yeah.

that are most reluctantto vote for her.

Uh, Bernie Sanders,uh, is getting a lot

of young people though and,I think, a lot of progressives.

A lot of people think HillaryClinton is a little too, uh,

-moderate or even conservative.-Let me tell you,

Bernie's always gottenthose young chicks,

-you know what I'm saying? He'salways gotten them. -And I ca...

And I getwhere Hillary is coming from,

'cause I have a hard timewith older white men, too,

-so... Yeah. -There you go.All right, pass the bowl down.

-There you go.-Let's get another topic.

-Oh, that's amazing.-Pick a topic.

-What have we got here?-What you got?

-Swipe Buster.-Swipe Buster. All right.

Let's see what this is.Swipe Buster. All right.

Oh, okay, something calledTinder, right?

Swipe Buster's a new Web sitethat lets you find out

if your spouse is cheating

-on the dating app Tinder. -Mm-hmm.

Because according to a new study, 42% of people on Tinder

are either married or in a long-term relationship.

All right.

Okay, so I got three questions.

Number one--what the (bleep) is a Web site?

(laughter)

Mm-hmm. Right?

Number two--what the (bleep) is an app?

And number three-- doesn't this(bleep) sound like snitchin'?

Come on, newsman.

-It's...-It's definitely snitching.

-There's no question about that.-WILMORE: Right?

Although I have to say, anybodythat was looking to Tinder

for, you know, moral exemplars

is probably not in the rightplace to begin with.

-WILMORE: Yeah.-WALKER: You would actually

love itbecause it's about having

-kind of almost anonymous sex.-Uh-huh.

Like, you get on,you find someone

-that you kind of wantto hookup with. -Mm-hmm.

You're not necessarily seriousabout them.

WILMORE:Is it like closing your eyes,

just reach around and seewho you find on your waterbed?

-(laughter)-Yeah, something like that.

-WILMORE: That was... -WALKER:Something like that, yeah.

-It's the 2016of version of that. -Yeah.

All right. Okay.So is that snitchin' to you,

this whole thingthey're talking about?

Man, I... Yes, to a point,but at the same time, like,

if you got to go on Tinderto find out

if (bleep) good,(bleep) is not good.

-(laughter)-I like that.

-That's a good point.-WALKER: Agreed.

WILMORE: Let's just chooseone more. We're out of time,

but who gives a (bleep).Let's choose another one.

-$15 an hour minimum wage.-All right.

-(applause and cheering)-Yeah.

So, uh, $15 minimum wageis coming to California,

and New York, they say.

I think going from $2.50 to $15in one leap-- that's a big jump.

I'm just saying,that's a big jump, right?

Okay, so the question is,

should this be federal issueor a states issue like slavery?

What do you think?

-(laughter) -Chris Rock hasthe great line about, uh,

-about the...-WILMORE: Chris Rock?

Chris Rock isan African-American comedian.

-Oh, okay. -Very... He hostedthe Oscars this year.

-Oh, no (bleep).-Yeah.

-(laughter)-Oh, okay.

Damn, they still got the Oscars?

-(laughter)-(Bleep).

And he said that minimum wageis the concept for

when somebody says, I'm goingto pay you this amount

because anything less than thatwould be breaking the law.

WILMORE:Yeah. Right.

I'm paying you as littleas I can possibly pay you.

-Yeah. So $15. -It was funnierwhen he said it, by the way.

That's a lot.

Yeah, well, he's a comedian.

-You ain't a comedian,mother(bleep). -(laughter)

You saying it,it's a sentence, right?

Go ahead.

I think $15 is a lot. $15...In New York. Fif...

TAPPER:$30,000 a year?

-Come on, man.-WALKER: No, uh-uh. I...

You're gonna make someof my drug dealer friends

get a job at CVS.Like, this is (bleep) up.

-(laughter)-WILMORE: Say, $30,000,

you can buy two Corvettes.

-(laughter) -What?-WALKER: All I know...

You can't...you can't buy two Corvettes?

All I know is that if New Yorkis getting $15 minimum wage...

WILMORE:Mm-hmm.

...somebody's getting a raiseat The Nightly Show. Yeah.

-WILMORE: All right.-(applause and cheering)

Well, I want to thank everybodyfor being part of my panel.

Thanks a lot.

Remember to keep drinking,smoking and see you next time.

We'll be right back.

-(applause and cheering)-(disco music playing)

ANNOUNCER: If you live in the New York City area

or are planning to visit, grab some free tickets

to attend an upcoming taping of The Nightly Show.

Go to:

Thanks to my panelists,

Ricky Velez, Holly Walkerand Jake Tapper.

We're almost out of time,but before we go,

I'm gonna keep it 100.

All right, tonight's question

is from an audience membernamed Cecilia.

Well, all right,let's take a look.

Soul Daddy, if you were youstuck on a desert island

for the rest of your life,who would be rather be with--

Cleopatra Jones or that chickJulie from The Mod Squad?

Keep it 100.

All right, see, Cecilia,you underestimate Soul Daddy.

Julie and Cleopatra Joneswould be already on that island

with Soul Daddy, right?

-(laughter)-Thanks for watching.

Don't forget to ask me your KeepIt 100 questions on Twitter.

Good Nightly, everyone.

Pow, pow, pow, pow!

-(applause and cheering)-(disco music playing)

I don't know who eitherof those people are.