CC Presents: Ted Alexandro

  • Season 5, Ep 7
  • 08/12/2001

I THINK MY FAVORITE

CELEBRATION'S PROBABLY

THE NEW YEAR CELEBRATION.

YOU KNOW?

I ALWAYS LIKE NEW YEAR'S BECAUSE

IT'S SO BIZARRE TO ME THAT WE'RE

DRUNK, WE'RE COUNTING BACKWARDS.

(LAUGHTER)

LIKE, WHEN DID THIS TRADITION

START?

DID THEY HAVE IT BACK IN ANCIENT

TIMES?

LIKE IN ANCIENT ROME DID THEY

HAVE THE COUNTDOWN?

IT WOULD BE LIKE:

"X!...

I-X!"

"V-I-I-I!

V-I-I-V!"

I'M OUT.

(LAUGHTER)

"HAPPY NEW YEAR, HOPPOCLEASE,

I AM OUT."

"I WILL SEE YOU AT THE

VOMITORIUM, YES I WILL."

YOU START TO MAKE RESOLUTIONS

AROUND THE NEW YEARS?

PEOPLE DO THAT.

YOU TRY TO GET IN SHAPE--

LOSE WEIGHT--

I'M TRYING TO SHOP HEALTHIER,

BUT CERTAIN THINGS ARE STRANGE.

LIKE WHY DO WE GRADE OUR BEEF IN

THIS COUNTRY?

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

GRADE-A BEEF?

YEAH, LIKE A HUMAN'S GOING TO

WANT THE COW THAT GOT BAD

GRADES.

(LAUGHTER)

BE LIKE, YEAH, LET ME GET

THE SPECIAL ED BEEF.

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

YEAH, FROM THE DYSLEXIC COW.

THE ONE GOING, "OOM."

"OOM."

BANGING HER HEAD.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

THAT'S THE ONE I WANT.

GIVE ME SOME OF THAT BEEF.

I'M TRYING TO STAY IN SHAPE--

I BELONG TO A GYM NOW.

WELL, LET ME REPHRASE THAT--

I DON'T BELONG AT ALL--

BUT I GO.

I GO.

(LAUGHTER)

I GO.

THERE'S BIG GUYS AT THE GYM.

YOU'VE SEEN THE BIG GUYS.

YOU KNOW THE ONES I'M TALKING

ABOUT?

BIG GYM GUYS, JUST WALKING

AROUND.

BIG PIGEONS JUST WALKING AROUND.

(LAUGHTER)

ALWAYS ASKING EACH OTHER WHAT

PART OF THE BODY THEY'RE WORKING

ON THAT DAY.

LIKE, "WHAT ARE YOU WORKING ON

TODAY?"

"BACK AND BI'S."

(LAUGHTER)

"WHAT ARE YOU WORKING ON?"

"ASS AND HEAD."

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

I HAD NO IDEA, FIRST TIME I WENT

THEY'RE LIKE, "WHAT ARE YOU

WORKING ON TODAY?"

I WAS LIKE, "CHILDHOOD ISSUES."

IS THERE A MACHINE FOR THAT?

THEY'RE BIG.

THEY ALWAYS WANT TO GIVE YOU

A SPOT, TOO.

AND THEY YELL AT YOU LIKE--

ALL YOU!

ALL YOU!

AND I'M LIKE--

SOME YOU!

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

IT'S TOO HEAVY!

A LITTLE BIT ME, MOSTLY YOU!

(APPLAUSE)

PEOPLE GO ON WEIRDDIETS, THOUGH, YOU KNOW?

I LIKE THE DIET WHERE YOU COULDEAT AS MUCH AS YOU WANT, RIGHT?

THAT'S MY FAVORITE.

IT'S LIKE REAL SPECIFIC THINGS.

LIKE FROM NINE TO TWELVE YOU EATASPARAGUS, AS MUCH AS YOU WANT.

YOU CAN JUST EAT AS MUCH ASYOU WANT.

THEN FROM TWELVE TO SEVENYOU DRINK WATER, AS MUCH AS YOU

WANT.

JUST DRINK AS MUCH AS YOU WANT.

THEN FROM SEVEN TILL WHENEVERYOU GO TO BED, YOU JUST CRY.

YOU JUST CRY, CRY AS MUCH ASYOU WANT 'CAUSE YOU'RE STARVING.

YOU'RE REALLY HUNGRY.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)YOU'RE GONNA WANT TO CRY.

NOT EASY TO EAT HEALTHY, THOUGH,RIGHT?

I REMEMBER LAST THANKSGIVINGI GO OVER TO MY MOM AND DAD'S

FOR THE TRADITIONAL THANKSGIVINGDINNER.

AND MY MOM ORDERS BOSTON MARKET.

DO YOU BELIEVE THAT?

BOSTON MARKET.

BE SHE SERVED IT IN HER OWNCHINA, RIGHT?

SO THE GUESTS WOULDN'T KNOW.

BUT MY BROTHERS AND SISTERSAND I WOULD DROP SUBTLE HINTS.

WE'D BE LIKE, SO, MA, DO WE GETTWO SIDES WITH THE TURKEY?

IS IT TWO OR IS IT JUST THECORNBREAD?

WHAT'S THE POLICY?

SHE WAS LIKE, "JUST TAKE WHATYOU WANT AND PASS IT."

(LAUGHTER)I WAS LIKE, YOU KNOW, CAN I SEE

YOUR MANAGER BECAUSE I REALLY...

DON'T LIKE YOUR ATTITUDE AT ALL.

AND I'VE BEEN EATING HEREA LONG TIME.

YES, I HAVE.

I THINK THE BIGGEST THINGAT MY FAMILY PARTIES IS DECIDING

WHAT WE'RE GOING TO DO WITHTHE PLASTIC FORKS.

KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

ARE WE KEEPING THE FORKS?

ARE WE GONNA KEEP THE FORKS?

'CAUSE YOU CAN WASH 'EM.

YOU WASH 'EM AND THEN YOU USE'EM AGAIN.

OKAY, SO WE'RE GONNA THROWTHE CUPS BUT WE'RE KEEPING THE

FORKS?

WE'RE GOING TO KEEP 'EM...

'CAUSE YOU CAN WASH 'EM.

AND YOU CAN TELL HOW OLD YOU AREBASED ON HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT

THE FORKS.

'CAUSE WHEN I WAS YOUNGER I WASLIKE, "THROW THE DAMN FORKS.

WHO CARES, WE'LL GET MORE."

ON BEHALF OF THE ENTIRE KIDDYTABLE WE SAY, (BLEEP) THE FORKS.

THAT'S HOW WE FEEL ABOUTTHE SITUATION."

YEAH.

YEAH.

YEAH.

SO, I'M SINGLE.

(WOMEN CHEERING)I OFTEN THINK ABOUT MY FUTURE

WIFE AND HOW LAX SHE'S BEENABOUT GETTING IN TOUCH WITH ME.

(LAUGHTER)I DON'T KNOW, BEING SINGLE

IS KIND OF A STRUGGLE BETWEENLONELINESS AND EUPHORIA.

IT'S LIKE LONELINESS RIGHTBEFORE YOU GO TO BED AT NIGHT

AND EUPHORIA THE WHOLE--REST OF THE DAY.

JUST REAL HAPPY.

A BALANCE.

TO TELL ME ABOUT THEIR DREAMS.

YOU GUYS HAVE FRIENDS LIKE THAT?

TELL YOU ABOUT THEIR DREAMS?

THEY'RE ALWAYS SO EXCITED.

RIGHT?

PEOPLE ALWAYS GET SO EXCITED

ABOUT THEIR DREAMS.

EVERYONE ALWAYS THINKS THEIR

DREAM IS THE WEIRDEST, RIGHT?

NO, COME ON-- IT WAS SO WEIRD.

COME ON.

AND IT'S ALWAYS THIS BORING

STORY.

RIGHT?

"AND, OH, WE WERE ON THIS BOAT

GOING DOWN THE RIVER,

BUT IT WAS A RIVER OF GRAVY."

(LAUGHTER)

HOW WEIRD IS THAT?

AND WE WEREN'T USING AN OAR,

IT WAS A Q-TIP.

HOW WEIRD IS THAT?

YOU'RE LIKE, IT ISN'T WEIRD

AT ALL, IT'S BORING.

THERE'S A REASON YOU WOULD SLEEP

DURING THIS.

I'M DOZING OFF JUST LISTENING

TO YA.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

YEAH, THEY'LL TELL YOU ABOUT

THEIR DREAMS.

FRIENDS WILL ALWAYS TELL YOU

WHEN THEY'RE HUNGRY, TOO,

THAT'S A BIG FRIEND THING,

GOTTA TELL YOU WHEN THEY'RE

HUNGRY.

THEY GOTTA FILL YOU IN.

BUT THEY COULD NEVER JUST TELL

YOU, IT'S GOT TO BE THIS BIG

OVERLY DRAMATIC PRODUCTION.

LIKE, "DUDE.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

DUDE, I'M STARVING, MAN.

DUDE, MAN.

LOOK AT ME, I'M STARVING!

RIGHT?

AND THEN THEY GOTTA MAKE THAT

LIST FOR YOU?

DUD, ALL I HAD--

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

ALL I HAD WAS A BAGEL AND A

GRAPE.

DUDE..."

RIGHT?

IT'S ALWAYS THOSE SAME KINDA

THINGS.

THERE'S A MUFFIN AND A RAISIN.

COME ON, DUDE, I'M STARVING.

YOU'RE LIKE,

"WELL EAT SOMETHING.

EAT.

WHAT AM I, SPONSORING YOU, EAT!

MAKE A SANDWICH."

NOBODY YOU KNOW STARVES.

LIKE, "DID YOU HEAR ABOUT BOB?"

"NO, WHAT HAPPENED?"

"HE STARVED TO DEATH."

OH, REALLY? I JUST SAW HIM--

HE LOOKED GREAT.

WELL, TURNS OUT ALL HE HAD

WAS A BAGEL AND A GRAPE.

(LAUGHTER)

YOU BELIEVE THAT?

HE WAS ASKING FOR IT.

HE WAS ASKING FOR IT.

THAT'S WHAT I USED TO DO.

I USED TO BE A MUSIC TEACHER.

(CHEERING)

YEAH.

WHAT ARE YOU SOME OF MY FORMER

STUDENTS OVER HERE?

IS THAT WHAT THAT IS?

I WISH.

THANK YOU.

YEAH, I TAUGHT MUSIC FOR

FIVE YEARS.

NEW YORK CITY ELEMENTARY

SCHOOLS.

IT WAS WILD TO ME, MAN.

LIKE IT'S SO STRANGE FINDING

YOURSELF IN CHARGE.

YOU KNOW?

KIDS EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE

ANSWERS.

THE STRANGEST THING.

KIDS COMES RUNNING UP TO YOU:

"BILLY'S GOT A MARBLE IN HIS

ASS."

WHAT?

(LAUGHTER)

WHAT?

IN HIS ASS?

DID HE TRY TO BLOW IT OUT OR

ANYTHING?

I DON'T KNOW, TELL HIM TO HAVE

ANOTHER TACO AT LUNCH,

I DON'T KNOW.

I DON'T--

I DIDN'T READ THE CHAPTER ABOUT

THE MARBLE IN THE ASS."

I DON'T KNOW.

AND KIDS LOVE TO SING, MAN.

SO IT WAS JUST CRAZY.

THEY LOVE TO SING THE SAME SONGS

OVER AND OVER AGAIN, LIKE IT'S

THE FIRST TIME EVERY TIME.

LIKE THE SONG, "THE WHEELS ON

THE BUS."

THEY LOVE THAT SONG.

BY THE END OF THE DAY I WANTED

TO JUST TO LAY DOWN IN FRONT OF

THE BUS.

IT'S LIKE, LET'S GO.

COME ON.

ROUND AND ROUND.

I KNOW THE WORDS.

LET'S DO IT.

LET'S DO IT.

COME ON.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

RIGHT, MAN?

CRAZY.

YOU REMEMBER WHEN A KID PUKED

IN GRAMMAR SCHOOL?

REMEMBER THAT?

ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE?

KIDS ARE LIKE DIVING UNDER

DESKS, JUST LIKE RUNNING

FOR COVER.

COULD BE YOUR BEST FRIEND,

AND YOU'RE LIKE--

HOLY CRAP, MAN!

I DON'T EVEN THINK WE HAD

PEAS AND CARROTS TODAY!

WHAT?

HOW DO YOU DO THAT?

IT'S LIKE MAGIC!

THEN THE GUY COMES WITH A BUCKET

OF SAWDUST.

WHAT IS HE, LIKE THE PUKE FAIRY?

WHAT IS THAT, MAN?

LIKE, HAVE NO FEAR, CHILDREN,

I AM THE PUKE FAIRY.

(APPLAUSE)

MAKE A WISH, AND I WILL SWEEP IT

UP.

I AM THE PUKE FAIRY.

PUKE FAIRY.

SHOULD TAKE LIKE TWO SECOND.

TAKES ALL DAY.

RIGHT?

TEACHER'S LIKE, "WHEN I SEE A

TABLE THAT IS READY TO LINE UP,

I WILL CALL YOU.

THIS COULD TAKE AS LONG AS YOU

WOULD LIKE...

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

"EXCELLENT!

TABLE ONE, LINE UP.

AND TABLE ONE LOSES THEIR MINDS.

LIKE, "WHAAAAAAA!"

"TABLE ONE, SIT DOWN."

AHH, CRAP!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

RIGHT?

THEN THE OTHER TABLES WILL START

TO TRY TO BE EXTRA GOOD, RIGHT,

TO GET NOTICED THEN.

THEY'D BE LIKE...

(LAUGHTER)

TEACHER'S NOT SURE IF THEY'RE

CONSTIPATED OR WHAT'S GOING ON.

"TABLE FOUR, YOU BETTER LINE UP.

I DON'T THINK WE HAVE A (BLEEP)

FAIRY."

(LAUGHTER)

YOU BETTER LINE IT UP.

THIS COULD GET MESSY.

(APPLAUSE)

I WAS THINKING, YOU KNOW,

MY FAVORITE TEACHERS WERE ALWAYS

THE ART TEACHERS.

YOU KNOW?

I ALWAYS LOVED THE ART TEACHERS.

BECAUSE THEY WERE SO BIZARRE.

THEY WERE LIKE THE HOMELESS

PEOPLE OF THE FACULTY.

RIGHT?

ALL DISHEVELED, WEARING SMOCKS,

ALL COVERED IN PAINT...

ALWAYS LIKE DIGGING THROUGH

THE GARBAGE, LOOKING FOR

BOTTLES, AND EGG CARTONS AND

THINGS.

ALL DISORGANIZED, AND MAKING

ANNOUNCEMENTS WHEN YOU'RE ON

YOUR WAY OUT THE DOOR ALREADY.

PEOPLE!

PEOPLE!

LISTEN UP.

PEOPLE.

GET HIM.

PEOPLE.

IF ANY OF YOUR NEIGHBORS OR

RELATIVES HAVE ANY PAPER TOWEL

ROLLS, START BRINGING THEM IN.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

BRING 'EM IN.

BRING 'EM IN.

YEAH.

YEAH.

BRING 'EM IN.

WE'RE GOING TO BE MAKING VASES

FOR MOTHER'S DAY.

VASES?

THESE PEOPLE ARE FRIGGIN'

MACGYVER FOR CRYING OUT LOUD.

AN EGG CARTON BECOMES A BOUQUET

OF FLOWERS.

AND IT ALWAYS BACKFIRED ON ME

BECAUSE AROUND MOTHER'S DAY,

MY MOM WOULD GET ALL DEPRESSED

AND START YELLING AT US,

HOW WE WERE SELFISH, AND ONLY

THOUGHT OF OURSELVES.

WHICH ONLY MADE IT WORSE,

'CAUSE YOU HAD TO WHIP OUT

THE PAPER TOWEL ROLL,

LIKE "UH HUH"...

(LAUGHTER)

YOU WERE SAYING...?

AND I BELIEVE THIS PASTA

NECKLACE IS YOURS, TOO.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

I LOVE YOU, MA.

NOW PUT ON THE RIGATONI.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

THOSE HBO PRISON DOCUMENTARIES.

YOU EVER SEEN THOSE?

BEHIND THE SCENES OF PRISON,

MAN.

THEY TELL YOU ALL THE STUFF THAT

GOES ON.

WHO'S WHOSE BITCH.

(LAUGHTER)

I DECIDED I DON'T WANNA GO TO

PRISON.

I THINK IF A GUY TRIED TO RAPE

ME, I WOULD IMMEDIATELY TRY TO

RAPE HIM BACK.

I'D BE LIKE--

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?

I'M RAPING YOU.

WHAT ARE YOU, CRAZY?

GET AWAY FROM ME, MAN!

I'M RAPING YOU.

WHAT ARE YOU, NUTS?

GET THIS GUY OFF ME!

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

FINALLY, HE'D GET ALL FED UP,

LIKE I DON'T EVEN WANNA RAPE YOU

ANYMORE!

THEN WORD WOULD GET OUT ON THE

CELL THAT I WAS A DIFFICULT

RAPE.

HE'D BE LIKE--

YEAH, HE TRIES TO RAPE YOU BACK!

REALLY?

CAN HE DO THAT?

YEAH!

HE DOES IT!

HE LIKE FOLLOWS YOU AROUND, MAN!

IT'S LIKE- IT'S REALLY

UNCOMFORTABLE!

(APPLAUSE)

YEAH, MAN!

SO, DO YOU GUYS LIKE DOGS?

DO WE HAVE A DOG CROWD HERE?

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

YEAH?

I DON'T LIKE DOGS.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

AND I'LL TELL YOU WHY:

THERE'S THIS BIG CLOUD OF LIES

AND DECEIT SURROUNDING DOGS.

CREATED BY THEIR OWNERS.

THEY'RE ALWAYS MAKING EXCUSES

FOR THE DOG'S BEHAVIOR.

"SHE JUST LIKES YOU."

(LAUGHTER)

"SHE'S BEING PLAYFUL."

YEAH, WELL SHE'S BITIN' MY ASS.

COULD YOU MAYBE DO SOMETHING

ABOUT THAT?

BECAUSE JUST A HUNCH,

I MAY NEED MY ASS.

IT'S LIKE THEY LOSE ALL ABILITY

TO GAUGE WHAT'S ACCEPTABLE

BEHAVIOR JUST BECAUSE IT'S A

DOG.

LIKE IF MY GRANDMOTHER WAS

JUMPING UP ON YOUR LAP...

AND LICKING YOUR CROTCH...

I WOULDN'T DISMISS IT WITH JUST,

"SHE LIKES YOU."

"SHE'S BEING PLAYFUL."

"GO ON, GRANDMA, LICK BALLS.

GOOD GIRL, GOOD GIRL.

WHO'S MY GRANDMA?

YOU ARE.

YES, YOU ARE.

YOU GUYS EVER HAVE SOMEBODY

CALL YOU BY THE WRONG NAME

REPEATEDLY?

AUDIENCE MEMBER>> ALWAYS!

TED>> AND FOR WHATEVER REASON,

YOU NEVER BOTHER TO CORRECT

THEM?

AFTER A WHILE YOU START TO KINDA

LIKE IT?

MY NEXT DOOR NEIGHBORS KNEW ME

AS KEVIN FOR LIKE EIGHT YEARS.

I LOVED IT, UNTIL ONE DAY MY MOM

SLIPPED AND TOLD 'EM MY NAME WAS

TED.

I WAS SO ANNOYED, I SAID,

"MOM...

HOW COULD YOU DO THAT?

YOU KNOW I'M KEVIN!

THEY NEEDED ME TO BE KEVIN AND I

WAS MORE THAN HAPPY."

IT WAS SO EMBARRASSING THE NEXT

TIME I SAW MY NEXT-DOOR

NEIGHBORS, THEY WERE LIKE--

"WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST TELL US?"

(LAUGHTER)

AND I WAS LIKE, "YOU LIKED ME AS

KEVIN.

YOU ACCEPTED ME AS KEVIN.

WHEN I WAS KEVIN THE WORLD WAS

ALIVE AND EVERYTHING WAS BRAND

NEW.

I'M JUST AFRAID TO LOSE ALL THAT

NOW."

THEY SAID, "LOOK, WE LIKE YOU AS

KEVIN, WE'LL LIKE YOU AS TODD."

(LAUGHTER)

I SUPPOSE YOU WILL.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

LOT OF DIFFERENT NAMES FOR

EACH OTHER, RIGHT?

I LIKE ALL THE DIFFERENT NAMES.

ASIAN AMERICAN.

LATINO AMERICAN.

AFRICAN AMERICAN.

CAUCASIAN AMERICAN.

I'VE NEVER BEEN TO CAUCASIA...

BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW WHERE

THE HELL IT IS.

I WOULD LOVE TO VISIT THE

MOTHERLAND SOME DAY IF SOMEBODY

COULD POINT IT OUT ON A MAP.

HOW I LONG TO FROLIC AMONGST

MY PEOPLE AND DO THE DANCE OF

THE CAUCASIANS.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

(WHISTLES AND CHEERS)

YOU GUYS LIKE FIGURE SKATING?

YOU KNOW WHAT I LIKE ABOUT IT?

I LIKE WHEN THEY FALL.

(LAUGHTER)

RIGHT?

BECAUSE YOU KNOW THEY'RE NOT

GOING TO WIN.

LIKE WHEN YOU FALL,

I SAY JUST GET OFF THE ICE.

JUST TIP YOUR WEDGY ASS OFF

THE ICE AND HOPE THAT NOBODY

NOTICES.

'CAUSE YOU'RE NOT GOING TO WIN.

I DON'T CARE WHAT THEY DO FOR

THE REST OF YOUR PROGRAM,

BACK FLIPS, DRIVE THE ZAMBONI,

MAKE SNOW CONES FOR THE JUDGES.

(LAUGHTER)

YOU'RE NOT GOING TO WIN.

IT'S LIKE YOUR DRIVER'S TEST,

IF YOU HIT SOMEBODY...

PULL OVER, YOU'RE NOT GETTIN'

YOUR LICENSE.

RESCHEDULE.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

SO I SAW SOMETHING FUNNY

THE OTHER DAY--

I SAW A COP ON A BIKE.

YOU'VE SEEN THIS, I'M SURE.

COP... UMM...

ON A BIKE.

AREN'T WE GETTING A LITTLE TOO

RECREATIONAL HERE?

I MEAN, WHAT'S NEXT,

SEE A COP ON A POGO STICK?

RIGHT?

HE'LL BE LIKE...

(LAUGHTER)

"PULL OVER.

PULL OVER.

DON'T MAKE ME CALL THE JUMP ROPE

SQUAD."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

I WOULD THINK THE SQUAD CAR COP

IS TO THE COP ON A BIKE AS THE

SKETCH ARTIST IS TO THE

ETCH-A-SKETCH ARTIST.

IT'D BE LIKE, "WHAT'D HE LOOK

LIKE?

OKAY...

(LAUGHTER)

WAS HE GOING DOWNSTAIRS,

BY CHANCE?

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

NO.

OKAY.

OKAY.

(CHEERING CONTINUES)

WHAT'S THAT?

HE HAD A SCAR?

WELL, YOU'VE GOT TO TELL ME

THAT."

(LAUGHTER)

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