Comedy Central Presents
Season 15

CC Presents: Hari Kondabolu

  • Season 15, Ep 7
  • 01/11/2011

Hari Kondabolu explains hippies, Deyf pronunciation and the Jesus/white chocolate link.

MAN, IT'S SO NICE TOBE HOME, NEW YORK.

THIS IS GOOD.

MAN, I'VE BEEN TRAVELINGALL OVER THE COUNTRY.

I JUST GOT BACK FROMPORTLAND, OREGON.

[cheering]

- YEAH, YEAH, YEAH!

PORTLAND, OF COURSE,IS A VERY PROGRESSIVE CITY.

ONE THAT DOES NOT SPAY ORNEUTER ITS HIPPIE POPULATION.

SO IT'S, UH, THERE-THEREIS AN OVERABUNDANCE.

UH, YEAH--PORTLAND IS A CITY

WHERE YOU CAN FINDTHE ANSWER TO THE QUESTION,

"HOW MANY DIDGERIDOOSDO YOU NEED TO HEAR

"UNTIL YOU WANT TOBLOW YOUR BRAINS OUT?"

DOES ANYBODY-- DOES ANYBODYKNOW THE ANSWER TO THAT ONE?

IT'S ONE--THAT'S RIGHT!

IT'S ONE--IT'S ONE DIDGERIDOO.

SO I'VE HAD SOME WEIRDEXPERIENCES IN PORTLAND.

LAST TIME I WAS THERE I WASHANGIN' OUT WITH A FRIEND.

HE INTRODUCED METO HIS FRIEND.

INTRODUCTIONS AREALWAYS WEIRD FOR ME,

'CAUSE MY NAME IS HARI, ANDIT'S CONSTANTLY MISPRONOUNCED.

HARIE, HARRY, RIGHT--DIFFERENT WAYS TO SCREW IT UP,

AND IT LEADS TO THESEAWKWARD CONVERSATIONS.

SO THIS GUY ASKEDME WHAT MY NAME WAS

AND I TOLD HIM,"MY NAME IS HARI."

"HURRY?"

"NAH, IT'S HARI"--"HARI?"

I'M LIKE, "LOOK, I DON'T WANNAPLAY "THIS GAME RIGHT NOW, OKAY?

"IT'S JUST, UH, MAKE EYECONTACT, SAY SOMETHING CLOSE.

"I'LL KNOW YOU'RETALKING TO ME."

AND-AND HE GOT REALLYUPSET ABOUT THIS.

"NO, I WANNA GETYOUR NAME RIGHT, OKAY?

"IT'S IMPORTANT IGET YOUR NAME RIGHT.

"'CAUSE PEOPLE GOT MY NAMEWRONG ALL THE TIME,

"AND I'M SICK OF IT!"

I'M LIKE,"ALL RIGHT, MAN.

"WHAT'S YOUR NAME--""MY NAME IS DEYF."

[audience laughing]

"WAIT-- DID YOU JUSTSAY YOUR NAME WAS 'DAVE?'"

"NO, NOT DAVE--MY NAME IS DEYF."

AND SO I HUGGED HIM.

[audience laughing]

YEAH, I DID.

[audience cheering]

HERE, HERE WAS A MAN WHOCOULD RELATE TO MY SECRET PAIN.

AND AFTER OUR EMBRACE,I ASKED HIM,

"FRIEND, WHY DID YOURPARENTS NAME YOU DEYF?"

[audience laughing]

AND HE SAID, "THEY DIDN'T--THEY NAMED ME 'DAVE,'

"BUT LAST YEAR I LEGALLYCHANGED IT TO "DEYF."

"IT'S SPELLED, D-E-Y-F."

[audience laughing]

NO, THAT ISNOT MY PROBLEM.

THAT IS A MUCHDIFFERENT PROBLEM.

THAT IS A MUCHLARGER PROBLEM.

THAT IS CLEARLY A PORTLAND,OREGON BASED PROBLEM.

DON'T PRETEND!

[audience applauding]

BETWEEN PEOPLE OFDIFFERENT FAITHS IN THE WORLD

THAT DOESN'T REALLYMAKE SENSE TO ME.

ESPECIALLY THE HATREDBETWEEN THE JEWS,

THE CHRISTIANS,AND THE MUSLIMS.

THOSE AREABRAHAMIC RELIGIONS.

THEY HAVE A LOTIN COMMON.

THE JEWS HAVETHE "TORAH."

THE "TORAH'S'" THE OLDTESTAMENT IN THE "BIBLE."

THE STUFF THAT'S INTHE "TORAH," AND THE "BIBLE,"

THAT MAKES UPA LOT OF THE "KORAN."

ONE COULD ARGUE THATTHE LATTER TWO RELIGIONS

ARE REALLY SEQUELS TOTHE FIRST RELIGION.

THAT'S WEIRD.

TO HATE SOMEBODY SIMPLYBECAUSE THEY LIKE A SEQUEL?

[audience laughing]

YEAH, THAT'S LIKEIF I LIKED THE MOVIE,

"BACK TO THE FUTURE,"AND HATED SOMEBODY

WHO LIKED THE MOVIE,"BACK TO THE FUTURE II."

[audience applauding]

"YOU LIKE'BACK TO THE FUTURE II?'

"WHAT ARE YOU CRAZY?"

"WHERE'S IT SAY ANYTHINGABOUT HOVER BOARDS

"IN 'BACK TO THE FUTURE?'

"WHEN DOC BROWN GOESTO HIS PROPHET, MARTY MCFLY,

"DOES HE MENTION HOVERBOARDS AND SPORTS ALMANACS?

"SERIOUSLY!"

"I MEAN, WHATEVER MAN.

"'BACK TO THEFUTURE ONE' WAS--"

"HUH, DON'T CALL IT'BACK TO THE FUTURE ONE.'

"THERE IS ONLY ONE'BACK TO THE FUTURE!'"

[cheers and applause]

THAT'S LIKE MYFAVORITE MOVIE, MAN.

I LOVE "BACKTO THE FUTURE."

IT'S LIKE THE BEST.

BUT I HAVE SOMEISSUES WITH IT,

LIKE WITH ALLTIME TRAVEL FILMS,

'CAUSE THE MAIN CHARACTER ISTOLD NOT TO CHANGE THE PAST,

'CAUSE THE PRESENTWILL BE FOREVER ALTERED,

AS IF THE PRESENT WASSO GREAT TO BEGIN WITH.

THAT'S THE WHOLE TIME,DOC BROWN'S LIKE,

"NO MARTY-- YOUCAN'T CHANGE ANYTHING--

"THE SPACE/TIMECONTINUUM--

"YOUR PARENTSWILL NEVER MEET.

"THEY'LL BE JIGAWATSALL OVER THE PLACE.

"THE FLUX CAPACITOR.

"YOU CAN'T CHANGEANYTHING!"

"BUT-BUT DOC, I MEAN,IF WE CAN PREVENT SLAVERY

"I MEAN, SHOULDN'TWE PREVENT--"

"NO, MARTY, YOUCAN'T PREVENT SLAVERY!

"ABSOLUTELY NOT--IF YOU PREVENT SLAVERY,

"THEN ROCK AND ROLLWON'T EXIST.

"NO, MARTY YOU CAN'T--NO, MARTY, YOU CAN'T PREVENT

"THE GENOCIDE OF THE NATIVEAMERICANS-- ABSOLUTELY NOT,

"BECAUSE THEN, WHITE KIDSCAN'T PLAY LACROSSE.

"NO, MARTY,YOU CAN'T-- NO, NO!

"GREAT SCOTT-- I'M A RACIST,MARTY-- I'M A RACIST!

"AND I THINKI WANNA TO BE A COWBOY."

[cheers and applause]

THERE'S, UH, THERE'S STILLA LOT OF RACISM IN THIS COUNTRY

LIKE WHAT YOU'RE SEEINGIN ARIZONA, RIGHT NOW.

IT'S REMARKABLE.

THIS ANTI-IMMIGRATIONLEGISLATION

THAT THEY'RE TRYINGTO PUSH, RIGHT,

WHERE THEY ALLOWPOLICE OFFICERS

TO RACIALLY PROFILEUNDOCUMENTED IMMIGRANTS.

ESPECIALLY PEOPLE INTHE MEXICAN COMMUNITY.

I THINK THAT'S HORRENDOUS--BUT WHAT AMAZES ME

IS THAT PEOPLESUPPORT THIS LAW.

I WAS WATCHING THE NEWS--THIS WOMAN IN ARIZONA,

LOOKING AT A CAMERA,STRAIGHT-FACED-- SHE SAYS,

"HEY, WE'RE JUST TRYINGTO BRING THE COUNTRY BACK

"TO THE WAYIT USED TO BE!"

"THE WAY IT USED TO BE?"

LADY, YOU'RE IN ARIZONA--IT USED TO BE MEXICO.

I MEAN, WHAT ARE YOUTALKIN' ABOUT, LIKE?

[cheers and applause]

- SO LET ME TALKABOUT SOMETHING

PERHAPS WE CAN ALLRELATE TO: CHOCOLATE.

YEAH, YEAH, WE ALL KNOWOR LIKE CHOCOLATE, YES?

[cheers and applause]

IT'S CHOCOLATE--CHOCOLATE IS GREAT.

I LOVE CHOCOLATE.

HERE'S WHY I LOVECHOCOLATE SO MUCH.

YOU SEE, IN THIS COUNTRYA PERSON IS ASSUMED TO BE WHITE,

UNLESS OTHERWISESPECIFIED.

THAT'S WHYI LIKE CHOCOLATE,

BECAUSE WHEN YOU FIRSTTHINK OF CHOCOLATE,

YOU THINK OFSOMETHING BROWN.

AND IF YOU THINK OFWHITE CHOCOLATE FIRST,

WELL, THEN,YOU'RE A RACIST,

HONESTLY-- COME ON.

[cheers and applause]

WHO'S THINKIN' OF CHOCOLATEIN THAT SITUATION EXACTLY?

AND HERE ISTHE BIGGER QUESTION:

WHY DID WE NEED WHITECHOCOLATE TO BEGIN WITH?

WHAT WAS WRONGWITH CHOCOLATE?

IT'S CHOCOLATE--IT'S GREAT.

WHY DID WE NEED TOMAKE WHITE CHOCOLATE?

"DO YOU LOVETHE TASTE OF CHOCOLATE,

"BUT CAN'T STANDLOOKING AT IT?"

[audience laughing]

"WELL, TRY SOMEWHITE CHOCOLATE, HUH?

"IT'S FROM THE PEOPLE THATBROUGHT YOU WHITE JESUS!"

[cheers and applause]

SO, AS I WAS EXITING MYAPARTMENT THIS EVENING

I SAW PARKED OUT IN FRONT,A HYBRID ESCALADE.

A HYBRID ESCALADE.

COME TO TERMSWITH THAT REALITY.

WHAT KIND OF PEOPLE AREBUYING A HYBRID ESCALADE?

"WELL, YOU SEE,I'M AN ENVIRONMENTALIST,

"AND MY HUSBAND'SA [deleted] DOUCHE BAG.

"AND THIS IS HOWWE COMPROMISE

"TO KEEP OUR SHAMMARRIAGE ALIVE."

[audience applauding]

I DON'T KNOW.

I DON'T KNOW--I DON'T KNOW, MAN.

I-I-I DON'T KNOW HOW MUCHPEOPLE ARE WILLING TO CONCEDE

TO SAVE THE PLANET.

LIKE RECENTLY THERE WAS ASTORY ABOUT "SUN CHIPS," RIGHT?

"SUN CHIPS" HADBIO-DEGRADABLE BAGS.

AMAZING, RIGHT?

LIKE CORPORATERESPONSIBILITY.

IT SHOWS THEY'RE--THEY WANT TO SAVE THE PLANET.

FANTASTIC.

BUT THEN PEOPLESTARTED COMPLAINING

THAT THE BAGSWERE TOO NOISY.

SO THEN THEY GOT RIDOF THE BIO-DEGRADABLE BAGS.

DO YOU KNOW WHATELSE MAKES A LOT NOISE?

THE END OF THE WORLD!

WHAT THE HELL ISWRONG WITH EVERYBODY?

[audience applauding]

I DON'T KNOW--I WAS ON A PLANE RECENTLY.

I WAS READINGTHE-THE IN-FLIGHT MAGAZINE.

THE IN-FLIGHT MAGAZINEFOR THAT PARTICULAR TRIP

WAS AN ENVIRONMENTALISSUE-- YEAH.

I WAS READING ABOUTTHE ENVIRONMENT

WHILE SITTING ON A POLLUTIONMACHINE THAT CAN FLY.

SO I'M CLEARLY CYNICAL,BUT I'M BORED,

SO I'M READING THE, UH,THE FIRST ARTICLE.

THE FIRST ARTICLE'S CALLED,"TOP TEN ENDANGERED PLACES."

HERE'S THEFIRST SENTENCE...

"CLIMATE CHANGE AND TOURISMARE THREATENING TO DESTROY

"THESE NATURAL WONDERS."

OKAY, I'M KINDOF SURPRISED HERE.

CLEARLY, TOURISM ISIN THE BEST INTEREST

OF THE AIRLINE INDUSTRY--YEAH, WAY TO GO, MAN.

HERE'S SOME RESPONSIBILITY,AIRLINE.

BUT THEN I READTHE REST OF THE SENTENCE,

"CLIMATE CHANGEAND TOURISM

"ARE THREATENING TO DESTROYTHESE NATURAL WONDERS,

"SO YOU MIGHT WANTTO PLAN A TRIP NOW,

"BEFORE THESE SIGHTSARE GONE FOR GOOD."

[audience applauding]

WE'RE SCREWED... WE'RE SCREWEDBECAUSE SOME CORPORATIONS

ARE TREATINGTHE PLANET

LIKE WE'RE IN SECONDSEMESTER OF SENIOR YEAR.

"IT'S ALMOST OVER--[deleted] IT!"

[cheers and applause]

SO I WAS LIVING IN LONDON, UH,A COUPLE OF YEARS AGO.

AND, UH, ONE NIGHT, I WASHANGING OUT IN EAST LONDON,

AND ON A STREET CALLED LIVERPOOL STREET.

AND I WAS LOOKINGFOR BRICK LANE,

WHICH WAS RIGHT NEARLIVERPOOL STREET,

BUT I COULDN'T FIND IT--I WAS FRUSTRATED.

I KEPT GOING AROUNDIN CIRCLES, RIGHT?

AND I SEE THIS WOMANAND I ASK HER IF SHE KNEW

WHERE BRICK LANE WASAND SHE DIDN'T.

NOT A BIG DEAL--I STARTED WALKING AWAY

WHEN THIS WOMANGRABBED ME.

SHE LOOKED ME INTHE EYE AND SAID,

"EXCUSE ME,BUT I GO TO CHURCH,

"AND I BELIEVEIN JESUS CHRIST.

"AND I THINK YOU SHOULDBELIEVE IN JESUS, AS WELL."

DAMN!

HOW DID YOU GET FROM THISPART OF THE CONVERSATION

TO THAT PART OF THECONVERSATION SO QUICKLY.

IT'S LIKE SHETHOUGHT TO HERSELF,

"AHH, HE DOES NOT KNOWWHERE BRICK LANE IS.

"CLEARLY, HE IS LOST INALL ASPECTS OF HIS LIFE.

"I WILL HELP HIM!"

"JESUS-- UH, PERHAPS YOU'VEHEARD THE NAME BEFORE?"

"YEAH, PERHAPS--YES, THAT PR CAMPAIGN

"HAS BEEN QUITESUCCESSFUL, ALL RIGHT?

"THAT NAME HAS BEEN SPREADMOSTLY THROUGH WORD OF MOUTH,

"AND PAMPHLETS AND BULLETSWERE USED AT SOME POINT.

"I'M FAMILIAR WITHTHIS JESUS FELLOW.

"HE LOOKS LIKEBJORN BORG FOR NO REASON."

AND I WANTED TO ENDTHE CONVERSATION,

BUT I WANTED TO BEPOLITE ABOUT IT.

I SAID,"EXCUSE ME, MISS.

"UH, THANK YOU, VERY MUCH,BUT I'M A HINDU.

"I'M TAKEN.

"I, UH, I, UH,I HAVE A BOX TO CHECK."

[audience laughing]

AND IT DIDN'T MATTER--IT DIDN'T MATTER.

AND I KNOW IT DIDN'TMATTER, BECAUSE SHE SAID,

"IT DOESN'T MATTER.

"IT DOESN'T MATTERWHAT YOU ARE,

"OR WHO YOU ARE--JESUS LOVES YOU.

"JESUS LOVES ME,JESUS GIVES ME STRENGTH.

"JESUS GIVESME DIRECTION."

"OKAY, BUT THEN, CAN YOU ASKJESUS WHERE BRICK LANE IS?"

[audience laughing]

CAN'T FIND IT.

AND THIS CONFUSED HER'CAUSE IT WASN'T IN THE SCRIPT

SHE WAS READING IN HER HEAD,SO SHE WALKED AWAY.

AND I WAS FRUSTRATED-- ANDNOT BECAUSE SHE'S CHRISTIAN.

SHE HAS A RIGHTTO HER FAITH.

THAT'S NEVER MY ISSUE.

MY FRUSTRATION WAS WITHHER PISS POOR SALESMANSHIP,

YOU KNOW?

IT'S JUST BADSALESMANSHIP.

SHE HAD ONE OPTION.

"JESUS-- NO, WELL, UH,THEN HOW ABOUT JESUS, HUH?

"HAVE YOUTRIED CHRIST?"

"NO, THAT'S THE SAME GUY--DON'T, UH, DON'T RE-BRAND HIM.

"I KNOW WHOJESUS CHRIST IS."

I MEAN, UH, HINDUS AREN'TSUPPOSED TO CONVERT,

BUT IF WE WERE, AT LEAST, WE'DHAVE SOME OPTIONS, YOU KNOW?

AT LEAST, WE KNOW HOWTO SELL GOD, YOU KNOW?

"HEY, MAN, LET MEASK YOU A QUESTION?

"YOU LIKE ELEPHANTS?

"I GOT ELEPHANT GOD RIGHT HERE--GANESHA-- ELEPHANT GOD.

"CAN GET YOU THROUGHHARD TIMES, MAN.

"IT WILL GET YOUTHROUGH HARD--

"NO, NOT FOR YOU--THAT'S COOL.

"ELEPHANTS ARE SCARYFOR SOME PEOPLE.

"I GET IT--YOU LIKE MONKEYS?

"I GOT MONKEY GOD,RIGHT THERE.

"MONKEY GOD--MONKEY -- HANUMAN.

[audience applauding]

"HAS A TAIL--HE CAN FLY.

"NO, ALL RIGHT.

MAYBE-- ALL RIGHT--YOU LIKE THE COLOR BLUE?

"OH, GOOD--ALL RIGHT-- THREE FOR ONE.

"VISHNU, RAMA, KRISHNA--THAT'S THREE FOR ONE!

"THREE FOR ONE-- NO, ALLRIGHT-- OKAY, THAT'S FINE.

"UH, YOU LIKEWARRANTIES?

"YOU LIKE LIFETIMEWARRANTIES."

"REINCARNATION, THAT'SINFINITE, LIFETIMES WARRANTY.

"NO?

"HOW ABOUT SOME WEED?"

[audience laughing]

HA-HA--WEED WINS AGAIN!

- SO, I WAS HANGING OUT WITHMY YOUNGER BROTHER RECENTLY,

AND WE GOT INTOA CONVERSATION

ABOUT HOW GREATAN OLDER BROTHER I AM.

I BROUGHT UP THE TOPIC.

UM, AND HE WASBEING SARCASTIC,

'CAUSE HE'D REMEMBEREDA GAME THAT I'D INVENTED

WHEN I WAS SIXAND HE WAS FOUR

CALLED,"THE BELT GAME."

[audience chuckling]

UM, YOU SEE,I-I FOUND MY DAD'S BELT

AND INVENTED THE GAMEWHERE THE RULES WERE

YOU HAD TO HIT EACHOTHER WITH THE BELT.

AND, UH, THAT'S AS FARAS I'D GOTTEN, AT THAT POINT.

NOW, I'M THE OLDERBROTHER, RIGHT?

SO I GOT TO GO FIRST.

SO I TOOK THE BELT ANDI WHIPPED HIM IN THE EYE.

AND HE STARTED SCREAMING ANDCRYING LIKE A FOUR-YEAR OLD.

AND... AND THEN, MY MOMWALKED IN, AND TO MY SURPRISE,

SHE ALSO KNEW HOWTO PLAY THE "BELT GAME."

[audience applauding]

I WAS KIND OF LIKE,"MOM, HOW DO YOU KNOW

"HOW TO PLAY THE BELT GAME--I JUST MADE IT UP!"

APPARENTLY, SHE WASAN OLD PRO WITH IT...

...BECAUSE SHEWOULD TAKE THE BELT

AND SHE WOULD HIT MEACROSS THE BACK WITH IT,

AND SHE SAID, "NOW, NOW, YOUKNOW HOW YOUR BROTHER FEELS."

AND I LOOKED BACKAT HER AND I SAID,

"NO, I DON'T--I HIT HIM IN THE EYE!"

THAT WAS THE ENDOF "BELT GAME,"

AND A MUCH NEEDEDRETURN TO "NERF."

OF POLITICAL ACTIVIST FRIENDS.

UH, THEY LISTEN TOA LOT OF 60s PROTEST MUSIC,

WHICH ISN'T REALLYMUSIC I LISTEN TO.

AND I WAS AT THISPARTY, RECENTLY,

AND THAT'S ALLTHAT WAS PLAYING.

SO I-I TURNED TOMY FRIEND AND I'M LIKE,

"HEY, MAN-- CAN-CANWE TAKE THIS MUSIC OFF?

"I FIND IT OBNOXIOUS."

AND, UH,THIS-THIS UPSET HIM.

AND HE'S LIKE, "YOUDON'T LIKE MY MUSIC, MAN?

"BUT MY MUSIC IS THESOUND OF THE REVOLUTION."

WHAT?

YOU THINK ACOUSTIC GUITAR ISTHE SOUND OF THE REVOLUTION?

MAYBE I'M BEINGA BIT NAIVE.

I ALWAYS ASSUMEDTHE REVOLUTION

WOULD BE A BITLOUDER, YOU KNOW?

I-I ASSUMED GUNFIRE AND,UH, BOMBS BLOWING UP,

AND, UH, THE BLOOD CURDLINGSCREAMS OF RICH PEOPLE

HAVING THEIR THROATS SLIT,AND THEIR LAND TAKEN AWAY,

AND PERHAPS, EVENTHEIR ORGANS EATEN.

OR AT THE BARE MINIMUM,ELECTRIC GUITAR.

I MEAN, SERIOUSLY.

YOU CAN'T KILL OTHER PEOPLETO ACOUSTIC GUITAR.

YOU CAN ONLYKILL YOURSELF.

[audience applauding]

SO I WAS TELLINGTHIS JOKE RECENTLY

AT A SMALL,LIBERAL ARTS COLLEGE,

AND, UH, THIS YOUNGWOMAN CAME UP TO ME.

SHE WAS VERY UPSET-- SHE WASLIKE, "YOU KNOW THERE'S A LOT

"OF REALLY GOOD RICHPEOPLE IN THE WORLD.

"I DON'T THINK IT'S FAIRYOU JUST GROUPED EVERYBODY--"

AND I-I GET WHATSHE WAS SAYING.

SHE WAS SAYING,"ME, MY FAMILY, MY SIBLINGS!

"THE PEOPLE INMY COUNTRY CLUB,

"THE KIDS THAT WENT TOMY PRIVATE BOARDING SCHOOL."

I GOT WHATSHE WAS SAYING,

AND I-I THOUGHTI'D COMPROMISE WITH HER,

SO I MADE A LIST OFEXACTLY WHO WOULD DIE

IN THE REVOLUTION...

[audience laughing]

...THAT I WANT TO SHAREWITH YOU TONIGHT.

"LIST OF PEOPLE WHO WILLDIE IN THE REVOLUTION,"

BY HARI KONDABOLU.

I REALLY SHOULDN'TPUT MY NAME ON IT.

[audience laughing]

ALL RIGHT-- ALL RIGHT.

"LIST OF PEOPLE WHO WILLDIE IN THE REVOLUTION."

NUMBER ONE: ANYONE WHO HASCALLED THEIR CAR "GHETTO,"

BECAUSE THEIR BUILT-INGPS DIDN'T WORK

WILL DIE INTHE REVOLUTION.

[audience applauding]

TWO: ANYONE WHOSEFIRST REAL JOB

WAS BEING THE STAR OFA REALITY TELEVISION SHOW.

AND THE NAMEOF THE SHOW

WASN'T "INNER-CITY-YOUTHUNABLE-TO-FIND-WORK

"AND-FORCED-TO-STAR-INREALITY-TELEVISION-SHOW,"

WILL DIE INTHE REVOLUTION.

[cheers and applause]

THREE: JIMMY BUFFET.

FOUR-- THAT ONE'SKIND OF OBVIOUS, HUH?

FOUR: ANYONE WHOHAS USED THE PHRASE,

"MY GRANDPARENTSCOTTAGE" IN A SENTENCE

WITHOUT IT BEING PRECEDED BYTHE PHRASE, "WE HAD TO SELL,"

WILL DIE INTHE REVOLUTION.

FIVE, THE YOUNG WOMAN

WHO INSPIRED THECREATION OF THIS LIST,

HER PARENTS,HER SIBLINGS,

THE PEOPLEAT HER COUNTRY CLUB,

AND THE KIDS WHO WENT TOHER PRIVATE, BOARDING SCHOOL,

WITH THE EXCEPTION OF

THE AFFIRMATIVE ACTIONAND FINANCIAL AID STUDENTS,

WILL DIE INTHE REVOLUTION.

[cheers and applause]

AND, FINALLY,THE WOMAN WHO BOARDED

THE "JET BLUE" FLIGHTTO BURBANK IN FRONT OF ME,

WHO TURNED TO HERHUSBAND AND SAID,

"I HATE FLYING'JET BLUE'

"BECAUSE 'JET BLUE'DOES NOT HAVE FIRST CLASS."

[audience applauding]

IT'S "JET BLUE!"

"JET BLUE'S" LIKE THE BESTAIRLINE IN THE WORLD!

I MEAN EVERYBODY GETSA COMFORTABLE SEAT.

EVERYBODY GETSAMPLE LEG-ROOM.

EVERYBODY GETSA TELEVISION.

EVERYBODY GETSUNLIMITED SNACKS.

THIS WOMAN'S ISSUE WASN'TTHAT THERE WASN'T FIRST CLASS.

HER ISSUE WAS THAT THERE WASFINALLY EQUALITY IN THE WORLD.

THIS WOMAN WILL DIEIN THE REVOLUTION!

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