Van Scheme

  • Season 1, Ep 7
  • 07/20/2011

Jon concocts a scheme to get out of work, but his lies lead to some major consequences.

- BLACK SATANISTS--WHO ARE THEY,

AND CAN THEY CAUSE HARMTO YOU AND YOUR FAMILY?

[soft theme music]

[applause]

HERE WITH US TONIGHTIS JON BENJAMIN.

HE WAS JUST RECENTLY RELEASEDOUT OF A HOSPITAL

AFTER HAVING ACIDTHROWN IN HIS FACE

AS PART OFA BLACK SATANIC RITUAL.

[audience reacts]

JON, WHY DO YOU THINKTHAT THEY CHOSE YOU

TO DO THIS TO?

- TO BE HONEST, ALEX,I HAVE NO IDEA.

LOOK, I'M NOT SOMEBODYWHO WANTS TO TAKE ADVANTAGE

OF STIRRING UPRACIAL TENSIONS.

MAY I?

- OH, PLEASE.

- WHAT YOU DOIS REPREHENSIBLE.

I HAVE NO FACE.

AND I SWEAR TO GOD

IN EVERY FIBER OF MY BEING,

IF YOU DO ONE THINGTO HARM MY VAN,

I WILL COME HUNT YOU DOWN.

[applause]

BRING MY VAN BACK!

[cheers and applause]

BRING IT BACK!

[soft theme music]

- LOOK OUT, BLACK SATANISTS.

AMERICA IS WATCHING.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

[cell phone rings]

[cell phone ringsand vibrates]

[rings and vibrates]

[rings and vibrates]

[rings and vibrates]

[rings and vibrates]

[rings and vibrates]

[rings and vibrates]

- [groaning]

[stops phone ringing]

- WHAT TIME IS IT?

- OH, MY GOD,IT'S 3:45.

- [bleep].

THAT WAS DAVE CALLING.

- WE'RE,LIKE, SIX HOURS LATE.

- WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?

- WE COULD TELL HIMWE'RE SICK.

- NO.

WE'LL GET IN HUGE TROUBLEFOR THAT.

- I AM SICK.

- I GOTTA THINK.

I GOTTA THINK OF SOMETHING.

voice on radio:AMERICA TAUGHT THE BLACK PEOPLE

TO BE VIOLENT.

WE WILL USE THAT VIOLENCE...[toilet flushes]

- THANKSFOR THE PARTY, JON.

[marker squeaking]

- HEY, I GOT A PLAN.

- I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN POURACID IN YOUR FACE.

- DO YOU WANT TO GETOUT OF WORK TODAY OR NOT?

JUST DON'T GET ITIN MY EYES.

AND THEN AFTER--WAIT.

AFTER,I'LL GO TO THE HOSPITAL,

YOU GUYS PAINT SATANIC STUFFALL OVER THE VAN,

THEN GO DITCH IT.

- RIGHT.- OKAY?

WE READY?- YES.

- ALL RIGHT.

REMEMBER, NOT IN THE EYES.

[shrieking]

AAH!YOU HAVE TO CATCH THAT.

THAT WAS...OH, MAN.

- SO, MR. BENJAMIN,HOW MANY PEOPLE ATTACKED YOU?

- OH, WELL, FOUR...

UH, MAYBE MORE. EIGHT?

OR LESS. THREE.

LIKE I SAID, I COULDN'TREALLY SEE MUCH

'CAUSE OF HOW QUICKLYIT ALL HAPPENED,

BUT THEY WEREDEFINITELY BLACK SATANISTS.

- AND HOW DO YOU KNOWTHEY WERE BLACK SATANISTS?

- WELL, FOR ONE,THEY WERE BLACK.

NO OFFENSE.

- GET BACK, SATAN.

AS FORMY BROTHERS AND SISTERS,

TURN YOUR BACKON THE DEVIL.

WALK AWAY FROM THE DEVIL

AND WALKTO THE LIGHT OF THE LORD.

WALK WITH THIS MAN...

WITH THIS MANAND HIS VAN, O LORD, WE PRAY.

RETURN THIS VAN TO US.

RETURN THIS VAN TO USTHIS DAY, O LORD.

- THIS IS NOTHINGMORE THAN ANOTHER EXAMPLE

OF WHITES SCAPEGOATINGBLACKS IN THIS TOWN.

[overlapping shouting]

- OKAY, ALL RIGHT!

- YOU'RE CALLING ME A RACIST!- THAT'S WHAT YOU ARE!

- SOMEBODY'S GONNAGET HURT HERE!

SOMEBODY'S GONNA GET HURT!

- HEY!WE'VE GOT SOMETHING OVER HERE!

- AH, IT'S THE WRONG VAN.

[all groaning]

- FRUSTRATIONAND MORE FRUSTRATION

IN THE SEARCHFOR THE MISSING VAN.

BUT VOLUNTEERS VOWTO CONTINUE SEARCHING

THROUGHOUT THE NIGHT.

THE ONLY GOOD THINGTO COME OF THIS...

[cell phone ringing]

IS THE HUGE OUTPOURINGOF SUPPORT

FOR JON BENJAMINDURING THIS TIME OF CRISIS.

- WHAT?

- JON, ARE YOUWATCHING THE NEWS?

- YES, I AM, IN MY LIMO.

- I'M GETTING WORRIED.

- ME TOO, JON.

THIS WHOLE THINGIS GETTING OUT OF CONTROL.

IT'S BAD.

- BAD? THIS IS GREAT.

I GOT $50,000 WORTHOF DONATIONS HERE.

ALL RIGHT?WE'RE RICH.

- I REALLY FEEL LIKEWE'RE DOING SOMETHING AWFUL.

- LOOK, IT'S NOT US, NATHAN,ALL RIGHT?

THERE ARE A TON OF RACISTFEAR MONGERS OUT THERE.

IT'S THEM.

- WHAT ARE YOUTALKING ABOUT?

IF YOU HADN'TMADE THIS UP,

IT NEVER WOULDHAVE HAPPENED.

- DID YOU GET THE LOBSTERSFOR THE AFTER-PARTY?

- YEAH.I GOT 'EM RIGHT HERE.

- GREAT. I'LL SEE YOUBACK AT THE MOTEL.

HEY, BY THE WAY,WHERE'D YOU DITCH THE VAN?

- DON'T WORRY.NO ONE WILL EVER FIND IT.

- ALL RIGHT,LOOK, I GOTTA GO.

I GOT A TAPING.I'LL SEE YOU AT THE AFTER PARTY.

- JON! JON!

- HUH?

- WE LOVE YOU, JON.- ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

THANK YOU, LARRY.

[crowd screaming]

- CAN YOU SIGN THIS?

- SURE. THANK YOU.THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

- HEY, I HOPE YOU FINDYOUR VAN, MAN.

- HEY, I APPRECIATE THAT.HI, HOW ARE YOU?

- STAY STRONG, JON.

- WE'RE PRAYIN'FOR YOUR VAN, JON.

[ominous music]

- WHEN YOU CALLJON BENJAMIN'S 911,

I WILL PERSONALLY FIELDYOUR CALL...

JON BENJAMIN'S 911.WHAT'S YOUR EMERGENCY?

COLLECT ALLTHE NECESSARY INFORMATION...

HOW'D YOU CUT IT?

EESH.

THEN IMMEDIATELY PASS IT ONTO REGULAR 911,

WHO WILL PROMPTLY DISPATCHEMERGENCY SERVICE.

OKAY.

YEP. CATCH YOUON THE FLIP SIDE,

[telephone rings]

JON BENJAMIN'S 911.WHAT'S YOUR EMERGENCY?

YES?

OKAY, RELAX.WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

MELISSA.

OKAY, ALL RIGHT. WELL,HERE'S WHAT I'M GONNA DO, OKAY?

I'M GONNA CALL 911RIGHT NOW.

YOU GOTTA GIVE MEYOUR ADDRESS.

300 [bleep] DRIVE.

IS THAT A HOUSEOR AN APARTMENT?

OKAY, WHAT'SYOUR APARTMENT NUMBER?

THANKS FOR THE CALL.HANG IN THERE.

[line ringing]

- YEAH, HEY. IT'S JONFROM JON BENJAMIN'S 911.

HEY, HOW ARE YOU?

UH, NEED AN AMBULANCE,300 [bleep] DRIVE,

APARTMENT 9B.

THERE'S A GUY, UM...

UH, HAVING A HEART ATTACKOR CHEST PAINS,

SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

JON BENJAMIN'S 911.

NO MORE FUSS,

NO MORE TENSION,

100% RESULTS.

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