Comedy Central Presents
Season 6

CC Presents: Jimmy Pardo

  • Season 6, Ep 11
  • 06/30/2002

BUT I'M WATCHING YOU GUYS.

YOU SEEM TO BE IN A GOOD MOOD.

AM I WRONG?

AM I JUMPING THE GUN?

HOW ARE YOU?

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

ALL RIGHT.

SEVEN OF YOU GOOD THE REST

OF YOU PISSED OFF.

IT'S NICE TO HAVE YOU FOLKS.

THAT SAID, IT IS GREAT TO BE

HERE.

AND I'M GOING TO BE SAYING

THAT QUITE A BIT TONIGHT JUST

TO CONVINCE MYSELF.

I, UM...

I AM NOT GOING TO KID YOU.

LOOK AT THIS PLACE.

THIS IS A (BLEEP) GIG FOR ME.

ANY HOW, I, UM...

YOU HEARD IT RIGHT!

YUCK IT UP YOU BASTARDS!

LET'S GO!

(LAUGHTER)

I'M NOT GOING TO PLAY THIS STOP

START B.S. WITH YOU PEOPLE.

PICK UP THE PACE.

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING TO TAKE

TO ROCK THIS TOILET?

COME ON!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

ANYHOW, I, UH...

I LIKE HOW SOME PEOPLE ARE

GETTING ME AND SOME ARE LIKE,

"WHAT THE HELL IS THIS GUYS

PROBLEM?"

"SO IT'S A (BLEEP) GIG?

TAKE OFF A-HOLE."

"WE DON'T NEED TO HEAR YOUR CRAP

YOU SHORT FREAK.

MOVE IT ALONG.

CIRCUS TRAIN'S A LEAVING."

YOU PEOPLE KNOW I'M TALKING?

HOW DO YOU WANT TO WORK IT

EXACTLY BECAUSE I'M DESTROYING

OVER HERE SO FAR.

OVER HERE, "THAT'S

DISRESPECTFUL.

I THINK THAT'S HIS CHARACTER.

I DON'T LIKE IT."

(LAUGHTER)

"ARE YOU GOING TO BE LIKE THIS

THE WHOLE TIME?"

"PROBABLY."

"I DON'T LIKE IT AT ALL THEN."

"I'M GOING TO GO HOME AND KILL

MYSELF."

"YEAH, THAT'S A GOOD CALL."

"YEAH, SUCK ON A MUFFLER."

"OH, ALL RIGHT, HAPPY NEW YEAR."

I, AH...

(APPLAUSE)

I LIVE IN LOS ANGELES,

CALIFORNIA FOLKS.

LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA 91607.

FLEW INTO THE AIRPORT.

I GOT A RENTAL CAR.

I DROVE IN.

I TOOK A GRAND CENTRAL TO A BIG

Q.E., TO L.I.E. TO SOME POINT

IN JERSEY THEN BACK TO MADISON

AVENUE, 42nd STREET TO THE GREAT

WHITE WAY.

RIGHT HERE TO THE (BLEEP) GIG

AND, UM...

I GOT TO TELL YOU, THAT'S

A GORGEOUS 4 1/2 HOUR DRIVE IN

FROM THE AIRPORT.

I...

THEY WERE DOING CONSTRUCTION ON

ONE PART OF THE ROAD AND A LOT

OF PEOPLE BITCH ABOUT IT.

I DON'T CARE.

EVERYBODY GOT TO HAVE A JOB.

WHAT I DON'T LIKE IS WHEN

THEY TAKE THE TWO OR THREE LANES

AND WIDDLE IT DOWN TO A HALF

A LANE.

(LAUGHTER)

AND THEN THEY PUT THOSE CEMENT

WALLS RIGHT UP NEXT TO YOUR CAR.

YOU KNOW, SO YOU'RE DRIVING

NICE, THEN YOU'RE ON THE OLYMPIC

LUGE.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT?

IT'S LIKE, "HEY, THIS IS FANTA--

OH, HEADS UP HERE WE GO.

ALL RIGHT."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

FOLKS GO TO CARNIVALS?

IS THAT SOMETHING YOU ENJOY

GOING TO DO?

CARNIVALS?

JUST ABOUT EVERYBODY AGAIN,

ALL RIGHT.

SIX OF YOU TRYING TO HELP,

THE REST OF YOU, "AH, NO."

"YEAH, WE DON'T DO ANYTHING

YOU DO."

"FACT, WE TALKED ABOUT IT.

WE'RE JUST GOING TO SIT BACK

RELAX AND WATCH YOU SWEAT FOR

25, 30 MINUTES."

THAT'S GOING TO BE A LOT MORE

FUN THAN AGREEING WITH YOU

EVERY NOW AND THEN.

NOW MOVE ON WITH YOUR SHOW

MR. L.A. FANCY PANTS.

ALL RIGHT, THIS IS REALLY GOING

TO GET TIRESOME.

UM...

WERE YOU FOLKS NOT EXPECTING

SILLINESS WHEN YOU CAME TO THE

COMEDY SHOW TONIGHT?

I WAS RIGHT.

THESE PEOPLE ARE OVER HERE

LAUGHING LIKE IT'S A DEF JAM

SHOW.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

YOU PEOPLE ARE STARING AT ME

LIKE I MEAN IT.

"OH, JESUS, THIS GUY IS AN

IDIOT."

HE'S GOT HIS HEAD SO FAR UP

HIS ASS HIS BODY'S A HAT."

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

WHAT THE HELL WAS I TALKING

ABOUT?

CARNIVALS.

I LOVE GOING TO CARNIVALS.

I WENT TO THE CARNIVAL FOR

THE OBVIOUS REASON BY THE WAY,

I WAS A TRYING TO WIN MY

OLD LADY A DEF LEOPARD MIRROR.

(LAUGHTER)

YEAH, I ROCK.

I DISCOVERED SOMETHING AT

THE CARNIVAL.

THEY STILL HAVE THE SAME GAMES

TODAY, AS WHEN WE WERE KIDS.

YOU'D THINK WITH ALL THE

TECHNOLOGY, THAT THE CARNE WOULD

AT LEAST BRING IT UP TO 1982.

BUT HE DO NOT.

THEY STILL HAVE THIS GAME.

ALL IT IS, IS A BUNCH OF PLASTIC

DUCKS FLOATING AROUND IN WATER.

YOU PAY A DOLLAR, JUST TO GO...

(LAUGHTER)

"(BLEEP)!

I DIDN'T WIN!"

(APPLAUSE)

WHAT ARE THE ODDS OF THAT?

THAT'S THE WHOLE GAME,

RIGHT THERE.

WHAT A SUCK ASS GAME WHEN YOU'RE

34 YEARS OLD.

AND THEY'RE ALWAYS FLOATING

AROUND IN A RUSTED OLD GUTTER,

RIGHT?

YEAH, WHAT'S MY PRIZE NOW?

TETANUS, THAT'S MY PRIZE.

YE OLE LOCKJAW AT CARNIVAL.

OH, COMEDY GOLD RIGHT THERE.

A LOT OF GUYS MIGHT CLOSE THERE.

I GOT PLENTY MORE PREPARED.

WHO WOULD CLOSE 10 MINUTES IN?

NOT ME, I'LL TELL YOU THAT

RIGHT NOW.

I GO THE FULL 30.

(LAUGHTER)

LET'S BRING IT DOWN.

THAT'S A GOOD CALL.

GOD FORBID WE GET A NICE ROLL

GOING IN HERE.

SAY HA-HA-HA, HE-HE-HE.

(LAUGHTER)

I LIKE TO RUN MY SHOW LIKE AN

REO SPEEDWAGON CONCERT.

WE ROCK IT OUT A LITTLE BIT

THEN WE SLOW IT DOWN.

I GIVE YOU RIDING THE STORM,

BOOM, CAN'T FIGHT THIS FEELING.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

AT THIS POINT, SHOULD EXPLAIN

TO YOU AT THIS POINT WHAT IS

HAPPENING ON TOP OF MY HEAD

AS WE CURRENTLY SPEAK.

THIS IS DAY 14 OF MY HEAD

HELD HOSTAGE BY THIS GOD-AWFUL

HAIRCUT.

(LAUGHTER)

REASON BEING.

TWO WEEKS AGO TODAY, I TRIED

TO CUT MY OWN HAIR.

UM-HMM, JACKASS!

(LAUGHTER)

HERE'S WHY I TRIED TO CUT MY OWN

HAIR.

MY NECK HAIR GROWS FASTER THEN

THE REST OF THE HAIR ON MY HEAD.

I'M NOT KIDDING.

THIS IS GOING TO TAKE SIX MONTHS

TO GROW OUT.

THIS IS TOM JONES IN 48 HOURS.

YEAH, HAPPY OR NOTHING.

IN TWO DAYS, I CAN HANG

ORNAMENTS OFF MY NECK HERE IN

DECEMBER.

THAT'S HOW THICK IT GETS.

SO I THOUGHT, TO SAVE MYSELF

FROM GETTING A HAIRCUT EVERY

4 1/2 HOURS...

(LAUGHTER)

I WOULD START TO CUT MY OWN NECK

HAIR.

SO, TWO WEEKS AGO I'M WALKING

AROUND TARGET...

WHICH IS A BOUTIQUE IN

LOS ANGELES.

(APPLAUSE)

I'M WALKING AROUND TARGET;

I'M IN THE COSMETICS SECTION.

WHICH IS MY BUSINESS, NONE OF

YOURS.

AND I DISCOVERED THERE'S A WHOLE

WALL OF HAIRCUTTING EQUIPMENT.

WHICH MEANS, I'M NOT THE ONLY

IDIOT THAT THOUGHT THAT THIS

WAS A GOOD IDEA.

SO, I PICK ONE OF THE

HAIRCUTTING KITS OUT.

IT'S ON SALE FOR $15 AND I GOT

THAT KIND OF MONEY ON ME.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT?

OH, YEAH, YOU DON'T WALK AROUND

A BOUTIQUE LIKE THAT WITHOUT

15 CLAMS IN YOUR POCKET.

YEAH, WHAT DO YOU NEED THREE

FIVES?

DONE.

(LAUGHTER)

FIVE AND A TEN?

INSIDE POCKET.

TWO FIVES AND A FIVE?

CAN DO.

(LAUGHTER)

OH, SLOW THE HELL DOWN.

TWO TIMES FIVE IS TEN PLUS

FIVE-- SON OF A GUN, FIFTEEN.

THERE IT IS.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

I BUY IT.

I BRING IT HOME.

I PLUG IT IN.

I USE THE ELECTRICITY RIGHT

THERE AT MY HOUSE.

YEAH, MY PLACE HAS IT.

ALL I WANT TO DO GUYS IS CLEAN

UP THE NECK.

THAT'S THE GAME PLAN HERE.

THAT'S WHY I GOT THE OVERHEAD

PROJECTOR OUT THE FLOW CHART.

THE COLORED PENCILS.

ALL I WANT TO DO IS THE NECK.

I'VE GOT A RULER OUT.

HEY, I'VE GOT A COMPASS INVOLVED

FOR NO REASON.

ALL I WANT TO DO IS THE NECK.

SO, HERE WE GO.

PLUGGED IN POWER ON, HERE WE GO.

ZZZZZZZ...

THREE SWIPES.

THE HAT TRICK.

DONE DEAL.

SO SIMPLE SO EASY.

I ACTUALLY WENT, YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'M GOING TO GIVE THIS A LITTLE

TRIM UP RIGHT THROUGH HERE.

THAT'S RIGHT NEW YORK.

SO, I PUT THE NUMBER-FOUR

ATTACHMENT ON THERE.

AND I DON'T MEAN TO THROW

THE LINGO AT YOU BUT READ THE

INSTRUCTIONS.

PUT THE NUMBER FOUR ON THERE,

"HERE WE GO!

DADDY'S IN TOWN!"

ZZZZZZZ...

(LAUGHTER)

ZZZZZZ...

OFF THE COLLAR, TIGHT,

LOOKS GORGEOUS.

YEAH.

EXCEPT NOW, I GOT THIS MR. T,

FONZIE FRICKING POMPADOUR

THROUGH THE CENTER OF MY HEAD.

YEP.

MILITARY THROUGH HERE...

BOWSER FROM SHA-NA-NA

THROUGH HERE.

HA-HA-HA-HA!

GREASE FOR PEACE.

SO, I NOW NEED TO EVEN THIS UP.

LET ME EXPLAIN SOMETHING TO YOU

FINE FOLKS, THAT BRAVED

THE NASTY WEATHER AND CAME OUT

ON A NIGHT LIKE TONIGHT.

THIS IS WHERE BEAUTICIANS MAKE

THEIR MONEY.

(LAUGHTER)

CORKY FROM LIFE GOES ON COULD

CUT THIS PART OF HIS HEAD.

(LAUGHTER)

WHO MOANS THAT "AH,

THAT'S OFFENSIVE."

"HE WAS A GOOD ACTOR."

OKAY.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

IT'S COMING ALIVE A LITTLE BIT

NOW OVER HERE.

FINALLY, WE'RE MAKING FUN--

ALL RIGHT.

THIS IS WHERE THE SALONIST SEES

THE DOLLAR SIGNS.

THAT SAID, THIS IS THE NOISE

THE CLIPPER MADE AS I ATTEMPTED

TO CUT THE TOP OF MY HAIR.

BZZZZZZ...

A CHUNK OF HAIR CAME OUT OF

MY HAIR SO BIG, THAT IT LANDED

ON THE GROUND, I THOUGHT IT WAS

A DAMN GERBIL.

I'M NOT KIDDING.

I MEAN, I KNEW IT WAS MY HAIR

BUT I STILL WAS LIKE, "WHAT THE

HELL IS THAT?!"

(LAUGHTER)

I WAS SETTING UP TRAPS.

I CALLED AN EXTERMINATOR.

I APPARENTLY DID SOME MC HAMMER

DANCE FOR NO REASON AT ALL.

I'M NOT KIDDING YOU GUYS, THREE

WEEKS AGO I HAD THIS BIG CRAZY,

DWAYNE FROM WHAT'S HAPPENING

HEAD OF HAIR.

I CUT A HOLE SO DEEP, I COULD

PUT A BEER BOTTLE IN IT USE

MY HEAD AS A COZY.

THAT'S HOW BIG THIS HOLE WAS.

YEAH, WHO NEEDS ONE, "HEY, HEY,

HEY."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

JIMMY PARDO>> THE GENIUS THAT

I WAS, I DECIDED TO PULL THIS

HAIRCUTTING STUNT, 20 MINUTES

BEFORE I HAD TO MEET MY GIRL

FRIENDS FAMILY FOR THE FIRST

TIME.

YEAH, A LITTLE TOUGH TO,

"HEY MOM, DAD, THIS IS JIMMY."

"HI.

I'M A CIRCUS FREAK."

SO, I NOW HAD TO GO TO SUPER

CUTS AND SPEND THE 12 BUCKS

I SHOULD OF IN THE FIRST PLACE.

SO, IF YOU'RE DOING YOUR MATH.

AND I'M GUESSING SOME OF YOU

FOLKS ARE.

I'M NOW DOWN $27 IN THIS

BRILLIANT MONEY SAVING SCHEME

OF MINE.

SO, I PUT A BALD CAP ON.

I GO TO--

I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT KIND OF HAT

THAT WOULD THERE BE BY THE WAY--

LOOK AT THAT CRAZY GESTURE FOR

NO REASON.

PUTTING ON A SOMBRERO?

HOW BIG IS THIS HAT?

MAYBE IT IS.

I'M GETTING A NEW HAIRCUT.

IT'S A FESTIVE DAY.

OLE!

BIG CRAZY HAT.

I'M PLAYING TO THE BALCONY.

IF I JUST GO A LITTLE HAT,

"WHAT'S HE SCRATCHING HIS HEAD?"

"NO, HAT."

I GO BIG CRAZY.

ANYHOW, I PUT A HAT ON.

I GO TO THE SUPER CUTS, I WALK

IN, BELL GOES OFF ON THE DOOR.

EVERYBODY SITTING THERE LOOKS UP

FROM THEIR OUT OF DATE MAGAZINE.

AND I'VE BEEN THAT GUY.

I KNOW PEOPLE ARE JUST THINKING.

"HEY, LOOK.

NEW GUY WALKED IN."

I KNOW THAT.

BUT THAT DAY, IN MY HEAD,

I THINK EVERYBODY IS GOING,

"AH, LOOK AT THAT.

THE (BLEEP) TRIED TO CUT HIS OWN

HAIR."

(LAUGHTER)

I'M NOT QUITE SURE WHY I'M A

(BLEEP) IN THIS STORY BUT ALL

RIGHT.

SEEMS A LITTLE HARSH.

STORY ABOUT ME, YOU THINK I'D GO

A LITTLE EASIER ON MYSELF.

WHAT DID I EVER DO TO ME?!

(LAUGHTER)

IT'S FINALLY MY TURN TO GET

MY HAIR CUT.

THE WOMAN ASKS, "HOW CAN I HELP

YOU?"

I SAY, "WELL, A BUDDY'S

GIRLFRIEND TRIED TO CUT

MY HAIR."

HEY, I'M NOT TAKING THE FALL FOR

THIS.

IF I'M GOING DOWN, SOMEBODY WHO

DOESN'T EXIST IS GOING DOWN WITH

ME.

WOMAN SAYS, "IT SHOULDN'T BE

A PROBLEM.

TAKE OFF YOUR HAT.

I CAN FIX IT."

I TAKE IT OFF.

SHE LOOKS AT MY HAIR, HONEST

TO CHRIST SHE GOES, "EEWWW!"

(LAUGHTER)

NOW, THE WOMAN CUTTING MY HAIR--

LET ME WALK THROUGH THIS LADY

NOW.

THE WOMAN CUTTING MY HAIR--

I DON'T WANT TO SAY THE WRONG

THING WITH A ROOM DIVIDED BY

TENSION AS IT IS.

THE WOMAN CUTTING MY HAIR, HOW

DO I SAY, AH, SHE HAD BIG BOOBS.

THERE I SAID IT.

THE WOMAN CUTTING MY HAIR HAD

THE BIGGEST BREASTS I HAVE EVER

SEEN IN MY ENTIRE LIFE.

AND I MEAN HUGE.

DOUBLE-D.

DANNY DEVITOS.

THESE BABIES ARE BIG.

(LAUGHTER)

BIG HUGE DAVID DUCHOVNY'S,

DENNIS DEYOUNG'S, LOOK OUT

THEY'RE COMING AT YOU.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

I BRING THIS UP FOR A REASON.

EVERY TIME SHE WOULD LEAN OVER

TO CUT MY HAIR, WAIT FOR IT.

EVERY TIME SHE WOULD LEAN OVER

TO CUT MY HAIR, THEY WOULD HIT

MY ARM.

AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WHEN

THAT HAPPENS.

I PANIC.

YOU KNOW, BECAUSE I'M GETTING

MY HAIRCUT, RIGHT?

SO, I'M UNDERNEATH THAT

HAIRCUTTING CAPE AND THAT

LOCK DOWNED POSITION.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT?

(LAUGHTER)

I'M CLAMPED DOWN AND IT'S 10

MINUTES OF SNIP, TITTY, SNIP,

TITTY, SNIP, TITTY, SNIP, TITTY,

SNIP.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

DO I MOVE MY ARM?

DO I TELL HER ABOUT IT?

OR DO I SAY, "HOW DO YOU DO"

AND TAG HER IN THE CAN?

I NEVER...

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

EITHER WAY, HAIRCUT'S OVER.

JIMMY PARDO>> THAT'S IT,

THE COAT'S COMING OFF.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

THANK YOU.

ALL MY FRIENDS ARE HAVING BABIES

NOW.

I DON'T HAVE ANY KIDS.

MY BUDDY DON'S GOT A LITTLE BOY.

A LITTLE 2 YEAR-OLD BOY.

I THINK HE'S TWO.

HE COULD BE NINE.

I GIVE A CRAP ABOUT THIS KID.

(LAUGHTER)

HE TELLS ME THAT HIS SON IS NOT

CIRCUMCISED AND HE IS

CIRCUMCISED.

AND I GUESS THAT'S A CRISIS.

BUT HE'S TELLING ME HE HAS

TO PLAN FOR THE DAY THAT HIS SON

DISCOVERS HIS PENIS IS

DIFFERENT.

HE HAD TO TALK TO A DOCTOR.

HE HAD TO TAKE A CLASS.

HE HAD TO READ WHAT THEY CALL

A PAMPHLET.

ALL ABOUT THE DAY HIS SON

DISCOVERS HIS PENIS IS

DIFFERENT.

WELL, I GUESS IT HAPPENED.

ABOUT THREE WEEKS AGO,

HE'S GIVING HIS LITTLE BOY

A BATH, HE SAYS, "DADDY, WHY IS

MY PENIS DIFFERENT THAN YOURS?"

HE EXPLAINS WHY.

HE CALLS ME.

BORES ME TO TEARS WITH IT.

NOW LIKE I SAID GUYS, I DON'T

HAVE KIDS, BUT I CAN RELATE

TO THIS STORY.

BECAUSE ABOUT THREE MONTHS AGO

I WAS BABY-SITTING MY NEPHEW

AND I WAS GIVING HIM A BATH.

AND HE SAID, "UNCLE JIMMY,

WHY IS MY PENIS DIFFERENT THAN

YOURS?"

(LAUGHTER)

AND I SAID, "YOURS ISN'T ERECT."

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

MY NEPHEW IS 26.

I PROBABLY SHOULD TELL YOU THAT.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

WELL, YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN

DYNAMITE.

(LAUGHTER)

DO ME A FAVOR, GUYS ON YOUR

WAY OUT, IF YOU COULD AVOID

EYE CONTACT WITH ME, THAT'D BE

GREAT.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

I WAS STAYING IN A HOTEL

WHILE I'M HERE IN TOWN.

I LIKE STAYING IN HOTELS.

SIR, LET ME ASK SOMEBODY

A QUESTION.

WHEN YOU TAKE A SHOWER AT HOME,

HOW MANY TOWELS DO YOU USE?

ONE!

ME, TOO.

(LAUGHTER)

WE'RE VERY SIMILAR, YOU AND I.

I TOOK A SHOWER IN A HOTEL,

YOU KNOW HOW MANY TOWELS I USE?

15 TOWELS.

I HAVE NO IDEA WHY.

AT HOME ONE.

IN A HOTEL IF THERE'S 15 HANGING

THERE, I'LL USE ALL STINKING

15 OF THEM.

ONE FOR EACH FOOT, BETWEEN THE

KNEES, UP THE ASS, OVER THE

HEAD.

I GOT ONE LEFT OVER, I CHAMOIS

DOWN THE CAR WITH IT.

YOU'VE BEEN NICE FOLKS.

THANKS A LOT.

WE'LL SEE YOU AGAIN.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

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