Tuesday, January 21, 2014

  • 01/21/2014

Scott Aukerman, "Weird Al" Yankovic and Brian Posehn create candy-themed band names, read the latest celebrity fan fiction and confess to embarrassing Google searches.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S

INTERNET HEADLINES, IT'S RAPID

REFRESH!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> THE FIRST COMEDIAN

TO BUZZ IN WITH A CORRECT ANSWER

GETS 100 POINTS.

THE INTERNET WAS OVERFLOWING

WITH WILDLY UNSUBSTANTIATED

STORIES ABOUT JUSTIN BIEBER

DISGUISED AS NEWS.

(MAN GROANS)

(LAUGHTER)

I AM NOT SURE WHAT YOU ARE

REACTING TO.

WAS IT JUST THAT GENERAL FEELING

OF INTESTINAL DISCOMFORT YOU

FEEL WHEN SOMEONE SAYS,

"AND JUSTIN BIEBER IS IN THE

NEWS"?

OH.

>> WHY DO YOU HAVE THAT PICTURE

OF ELLEN DEGENERES?

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: POINTS.

WELL-PLAYED, BRIAN.

100 POINTS FOR YOU.

WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING REAL,

MOST LIKELY FAKE, BUT

100 PERCENT ALLEGED JUSTIN

BIEBER STORIES WAS GOOGLE NEWS'S

TOP JUSTIN BIEBER STORY TODAY?

WAS IT: A) JUSTIN BIEBER GOT IN

A TEXT MESSAGE FIGHT WITH SELENA

GOMEZ AND SENT HER DICK PICS?

(LAUGHTER)

THESE ARE ALL REAL STORIES, BY

THE WAY.

B) JUSTIN BIEBER SPENT 75 GRAND

AT A MIAMI STRIP CLUB DURING LIL

SCRAPPY'S BIRTHDAY PARTY.

>> OR C) JUSTIN BIEBER DRINKS

THE "CHAMPAGNE OF SIZZURP"?

YES, BRIAN POSEHN.

>> IT'S PROBABLY B, BUT I THINK

"A" IS FUNNIER BECAUSE IT

SAYS "DICK PICS."

>> SO YOU WANT TO GO WITH "A"?

LET'S FIND OUT.

OUR CORRECT ANSWER IS IN FACT...

B-- JUSTIN BIEBER SPENT 75 GRAND

AT A MIAMI STRIP CLUB DURING

LIL SCRAPPY'S BIRTHDAY PARTY.

AL, HAVE YOU WRITTEN ANY JUSTIN

BIEBER PARODY SONGS, AND IF

SO, WHAT WOULD THEY BE CALLED?

>> YOU KNOW, CHRIS, I RESPECT

JUSTIN BIEBER WAY TOO MUCH

AS AN ARTIST TO EVER WANT TO

DENIGRATE HIS WORK LIKE THAT, I

AM SURPRISED YOU EVEN ASKED.

>> Chris: I'M SO SORRY.

>> I WROTE ONE FOR AL.

SINCE THE ONLY SONG I KNOW

IS "BABY, BABY, BABY."

>> Chris: OKAY, SO BEFORE YOU

SAY WHAT IT IS, BECAUSE IT'S AL,

I'M GOING TO ALLOW... AL CAN

DECIDE WHETHER OR NOT YOU GET

POINTS FOR THIS.

>> ALL RIGHT.

(LAUGHTER)

>> GRAVY, GRAVY, GRAVY.

>> IT'S BRILLIANT!

POINTS!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: BRIAN POSEHN GETS 100

WEIRD AL ADMINISTERED POINTS.

>> BRIAN, WERE YOU JUST READING

YOUR DINNER MENU?

>> Chris: OH, POINTS FOR

SCOTT AUKERMAN.

>> POINTS?

>> Chris: RIGHT.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT, (BLEEP)

POINTS FOR WEIRD AL FOR BEING

WEIRD AL, 100 POINTS.

I AM FEELING MIGHTY GENEROUS

WITH THE POINTS TODAY.

ALL RIGHT.

AMERICA'S FAVORITE NON-AMERICAN

MAYOR, ROB FORD, IS BACK IN THE

NEWS!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

THAT'S RIGHT.

HE IS YOUR (BLEEP) PROBLEM,

TORONTO, HE CANNOT BE STOPPED,

HE CAN ONLY HOPE TO BE

CONTAINED.

WELL, GAWKER UNEARTHED NEW

VIDEO OF THE TORONTO MAYOR IN A

FAST-FOOD RESTAURANT FREESTYLING

IN WHAT SOUNDS LIKE A BAD

JAMAICAN ACCENT, I DON'T KNOW.

YOU DECIDE.

>> (SPEAKING GIBBERISH)

(LAUGHTER)

>> IS THAT A BAD JAMAICAN

ACCENT OR A GOOD CANADIAN

ACCENT?

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: I'LL GIVE YOU

POINTS FOR THAT, 100 POINTS.

SO COMEDIANS, FOR 500 POINTS

APIECE, PLEASE GOOGLE-TRANSLATE

WHAT ROB FORD IS SAYING.

SCOTT AUKERMAN.

>> ALSO, IF THE HOOKER'S

A COP, SHE HAS TO TELL YOU IF

YOU ASK.

>> Chris: I WILL GIVE YOU 500

POINTS FOR THAT, SURE.

THAT'S JUST GOOD ADVICE, TOO.

AL.

>> I AM ROB FORD AND I APPROVE

OF THIS MESSAGE.

(APPLAUSE)

AND ALSO COCAINE.

>> Chris: AND ALSO COCAINE.

500 POINTS, WEIRD AL.

YES, BRIAN POSEHN.

>> I THINK HE IS JUST ORDERING

FOOD.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS.

HASHTAG WARS!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

FILE THIS UNDER FUN RAGING.

THE GAME CANDY CRUSH SAGA IS SO

POPULAR IT MADE AN ESTIMATED

$3.5 MILLION A DAY LAST YEAR.

THAT IS A LOT OF DOLLARS.

NOW THE CREATORS OF THE GAME

WERE SOMEHOW-- AND THIS IS THE

RAGEFUL PART-- WERE SOMEHOW ABLE

TO TRADEMARK THE WORD "CANDY."

THAT WAS A TRADEMARK THAT WAS

GRANTED BY THE UNITED STATES

TRADEMARK AND PATENT OFFICE.

ALTHOUGH WE ARE NO LONGER

SUPPOSED TO USE THE WORD CANDY,

(BLEEP) THAT NOISE.

TONIGHT'S HASHTAG IS CANDYBANDS!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

PUT THAT IN YOUR CANDY HOLE,

KING.COM.

EXAMPLES OF HASHTAG CANDYBANDS

WOULD BE HERSHEY'S KISS, THE

FRUIT STRIPES, THE STROKES I

GET FROM CANDY-INDUCED DIABETES,

THINGS OF THAT NATURE.

I'M GOING TO PUT 60 SECONDS ON

THE CLOCK AND LET US BEGIN.

YES, AL YANKOVIC.

>> EMINEMS!

>> Chris: POINTS!

BRIAN POSEHN.

>> WHATCHAMETALLICA.

>> Chris: POINTS!

AUKERMAN.

>> KENDRICK LAMARS BAR.

>> Chris: VERY MUCH POINTS.

YES, AL YANKOVIC.

>> THE PIXY STIX!

>> Chris: YES, POINTS!

TWO-IN-ONE-- POINTS.

YES, SCOTT AUKERMAN.

>> MIKE AND IKE AND TINA TURNER.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS.

YES, AL YANKOVIC.

>> ALMOND JOY DIVISION.

>> Chris: OH, YES, WELL DONE,

POINTS.

YES, WEIRD AL.

>> THREE MUSKETEERS FOR FEARS!

>> Chris: POINTS!

BRIAN POSEHN?

(BUZZER)

>> NO! WHAT?

TWIZZLER'S SISTER.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

IT IS TIME TO PLAY HASHBAG

SALES PITCH.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

SO IF YOU DON'T KNOW, HASHBAG IS

A SITE THAT COLLECTS PHOTOS OF

RANDOM STUFF THAT PEOPLE ARE

TRYING TO SELL ON INSTAGRAM.

BUT SALES PITCHES ON INSTAGRAM

ARE NOT NEARLY AS FLAWLESS AS

BUTT SELFIES YET.

SO WE'RE GOING TO SHOW YOU A

HASHBAG ITEM, AND FOR 250 POINTS

YOU HAVE TO GIVE US A BETTER

SALES PITCH FOR IT, OKAY?

READY, HERE'S THE FIRST ONE.

THIS LITTLE HAUNTED CHERUB.

YES, SCOTT AUKERMAN.

>> ONE PEDOPHILE'S DEATH

IS YOUR GAIN.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: OH.

THE DISCOMFORT WE'RE ALL FEELING

IS GOING TO MAKE ME

GIVE YOU POINTS.

POINTS, SCOTT AUKERMAN.

>> THANK YOU.

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT, NEXT ONE.

LOOK AT THIS CROCHETED BEARD.

YES, BRIAN POSEHN.

>> NEW FROM PLAYSKOOL, MY FIRST

BROOKLYN HIPSTER BEARD.

>> Chris: POINTS!

YES, AL.

>> WHAT'S KIND OF WEIRD IS I GOT

A PAIR OF EXOTIC NOVELTY

UNDERWEAR JUST LIKE THAT.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: NEXT ONE.

YES, BRIAN.

>> BABY, YOU WILL NEVER SLEEP

AGAIN, BY MATTEL.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS!

CAN'T SLEEP, CLOWN'LL EAT ME.

CAN'T SLEEP, CLOWN'LL EAT ME.

ALL RIGHT, IT'S TIME FOR OUR

NEXT GAME, FIC PICS!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

FAN FICTION, IS THERE ANYTHING

IT CANNOT DO EXCEPT MAKE ME THE

NEXT DOCTOR?

DAMNED YOU, CAPALDI!

ALL RIGHT, I AM GOING TO READ

YOU GUYS SOME FAN FICTION AND

FOR 250 POINTS, I WANT YOU

TO TELL ME WHO STARS IN SAID

FAN FICTION.

ALL RIGHT.

SO THIS FIRST ONE, IS IT CLINT

EASTWOOD OR MITT ROMNEY?

HE WORE A MOHAWK OF A WIG, A

$20,000 POLISHED LEATHER SADDLE

OVER HIS BACK, AND A PLUG

STUFFED INTO HIS BACKSIDE THAT

GAVE HIM A BEAUTIFUL ARCHING

TAIL.

HE REARED UP ONTO HIS HIND LEGS,

REVEALING THE HORSELIKE

MANHOOD ON HIS UNDERSIDE.

(GROANS)

YES, WEIRD AL.

>> THAT'S THE MITT ROMNEY I

KNOW.

>> Chris: YES!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

THERE'S THE ROMNEY/PAUL SLASH

PIC.

ALL RIGHT, NEXT ONE.

CARROT TOP OR ONE DIRECTION?

IS THIS CARROT TOP OR ONE

DIRECTION?

YOU CAN'T HELP BUT LAUGH

ALONG WITH HIM.

HE IS COVERED IN RED SPLOTCHES

AND YOU LOOK DOWN AT YOUR OWN

BODY TO FIND THAT YOU ARE AS

WELL.

YES, SCOTT AUKERMAN.

>> THAT IS CARROT TOP, THE RED

SPLOTCHES.

>> Chris: NO, ONE DIRECTION.

>> WHAT?!

>> Chris: I DON'T KNOW.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

I'M SORRY, AL.

ARE YOU OKAY?

ARE YOU OKAY?

BRIAN, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

>> I AM ALL RIGHT.

CHANGE THE GRAPHIC, I'M

ALL RIGHT.

>> Chris: WHAT IS WRONG WITH

FIVE YOUNG HANDSOME...

>> CHANGE THE GRAPHIC!

>> Chris: WHAT GRAPHIC ARE

YOU REFERRING TO?

I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU ARE

TALKING ABOUT.

>> LOOK BEHIND YOU.

>> THE REMOTE IS AROUND HERE

SOMEWHERE TO GET RID OF THIS

WONDERFUL GRAPHIC.

>> IT'S SNEAKING UP ON YOU.

>> BURN IT WITH FIRE!

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: THERE.

>> THANK YOU.

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT, HERE IS THE

NEXT ONE.

WEIRD AL OR CHRIS HARDWICK?

WEIRD AL OR CHRIS HARDWICK?

>> ONE OF THE GIRLS STARTED

CARESSING HIS CHEEK AND

HER AFFECTION WAS REWARDED BY

A NASTY SWAT AS IF A FLY HAD

LANDED ON HIS FACE.

"COOL IT, BABY.

AFTER THE SHOW,

IF YOU'RE LUCKY."

>> THAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED TO ME,

SO I'M GOING TO SAY ME.

>> Chris: YES, THAT HAPPENED TO

WEIRD AL.

THERE IT IS, THAT FAN FICTION.

DOCUMENTARY.

(APPLAUSE)

"MY STALLONIA"?

COME ON, GUYS.

>> "STALLIONA," PLEASE.

>> Chris: I'M SORRY.

OH, THAT'S RIGHT, STALLONA

IS YOU RIDING STALLONE.

>> THAT WAS THE FOLLOWUP.

SEARCHES.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

WE ALL SEARCH FOR THINGS ON

GOOGLE THAT WE WOULD BE

MORTIFIED FOR ANYONE ELSE TO

SEE.

WHAT DO CHRIS HARDWICK'S FEET

LOOK LIKE?

(LAUGHTER)

GUYS, THEY TURN ME ON TOO.

COMMEDIANS I WANT YOU TO NAME

ME AS MANY EMBARRASSING GOOGLE

SEARCHES AS POSSIBLE, 250 POINTS

FOR EACH ONE THAT MAKES THE

AUDIENCE LAUGH.

60 SECONDS ON THE CLOCK AND GO.

YES, AL.

>> WHAT RHYMES WITH BEAT IT?

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: THERE WAS NO GOOGLE

THEN-- POINTS.

YES, POSEHN.

>> I KEEP BREAKING TOILET SEATS.

>> Chris: POINTS.

AUKERMAN.

>> ONE-INCH PENISES ARE NORMAL,

RIGHT?

>> Chris: RIGHT!

RIGHT, HE'S ASKING, IT'S

A RHETORICAL...

>> HE TYPES THE "UH" IN THERE

AT THE TOP.

>> Chris: POINTS, YES.

YES, POSEHN.

>> PATTON OSWALT NAKED.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS.

YES, SCOTT.

>> HELLO KITTY LURE TRAP.

>> Chris: YES, THAT WOULD BE

EMBARRASSING FOR A VARIETY OF

REASONS.

I WILL GIVE YOU POINTS.

YES, POSEHN.

>> ONE DIRECTION RESTRAINING

ORDER.

>> Chris: POINTS.

AL.

>> HASSELHOFF COLONOSCOPY.

>> Chris: POINTS TO WEIRD AL.

AUKERMAN.

>> DOG SWALLOWED CONDOM.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

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