Hannibal Buress & Jared Logan

  • Season 1, Ep 1
  • 10/09/2012

Hannibal Buress recalls the darkest time of his life, and Jared Logan speculates about his role in a superhero movie.

THAT'S SO BAD THAT COLDPLAYSTARTS TO MAKE SENSE?

[laughter]

WE'VE ALL DONE THAT.

PART OF THE REASONMY EX-WIFE AND I SPLIT UP

IS BECAUSE...

SHE READ MY EMAILS.

ANY LADIES IN HERE

GO THROUGHTHEIR FELLAS' EMAILS?

WHERE YOU AT?[scattered whooping]

OKAY.

GOT ANY LADIES IN HERETHAT ARE STAYING

AS STILL AS POSSIBLESO AS NOT TO BETRAY THE FACT

THEY GO THROUGH THEIR GUYS'EMAILS, WHERE YOU AT?

[laughter]

SHE WENT THROUGH PAST EMAILS.WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?

DON'T DO THAT.

EMAILS THAT I HAD SENTTO EX-GIRLFRIENDS

THAT I JUST HADN'T DELETED.

SHE JUST WANTED TO RUINHER WHOLE WEEK.

[laughter]

I FELT SO BAD.SHE CAME TO ME AND SHE GOES,

"YOU'RE SUCHAN UNORIGINAL JERK.

"YOU KNOW THAT?

"EVERYTHING THAT YOU'VE SAIDTO ME,

YOU SAID TO SOMEBODY ELSE."

I WAS LIKE,"UH, YEAH.

OF COURSE."

THERE'S ONLYA LIMITED AMOUNT OF WORDS

IN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGETHAT MAKE SENSE

TO SAY TO A FEMALE.

IF YOU CAN ONLY USE 'EM ONCE,

YOU'RE GONNA RUN OUTAND BE LIKE,

"GARBAGE TRUCK, BANANA BOAT."

DID SHE WANT ME TO MAKESOMETHING UP?

I WOULD HAVE.I LOVED HER WITH ALL MY HEART.

SHE WANT ME TO COME UPTO HER AND GO, "HEY,

"I LOVE YOU SO MUCH,BUT I WOULD NEVER SAY THAT,

"BECAUSE I'VE ALREADY SAID ITBEFORE.

"INSTEAD, I WANT TO SAYTHAT YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY

"FEDEK OOYA PATARM.

"AND WHEN WE ARE TOGETHER,

"IT IS SO SHUCKY MOOKA UHER UT PETZ.

AND I'VE NEVER SAID ANYOF THIS TO ANYBODY BEFORE."

[laughter]

"BUT SOMETIMES,WHEN WE MAKE LOVE,

IT IS ABSOLUTELY[many nonsense words]."

[continues speakingnonsensical words]

[cheers and applause]

I DON'T TRUST SOCIETY.

SOME PEOPLE,THEY LOCK THEIR BIKES,

BUT THEY DON'T LOCK THE BIKETO SOMETHING.

THEY JUST LOCK THE FRAME

TO THE TIRE.

'CAUSE THEY THINK,"WHO'S GONNA TAKE MY BIKE

"IF THEY CAN'T RIDE AWAYWITH IT?

WHO WOULD DO SOMETHINGLIKE THAT?"

I WILL.[cheers and applause]

I'LL TAKE YOUR BIKE,

AND I'LL THROW ITIN THE PACIFIC OCEAN.

I'LL THROW ITIN THE PACIFIC OCEAN

OR WHATEVER BODY OF WATER

IS CLOSEST TO THE CITYTHAT I'M DOING THIS JOKE IN.

I WAS IN CANADA LAST YEAR,

I GOT A JAYWALKING TICKET.

I'M AN INTERNATIONAL CRIMINAL.

I GOT CAUGHT JAYWALKING.

IT WAS ME AND THIS OLD LADY.

WE WERE JAYWALKING TOGETHER.

WE WEREN'T TOGETHERLIKE THAT,

BUT, IF WE WERE,SO WHAT?

MIND YOUR BUSINESS.

SO ME AND THIS OLD LADY,

WE CROSSED THE STREET,

AND A MONTREAL COP APPROACHESUS, SPEAKING IN FRENCH,

"BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.

BLAH, BLAH, BLAH,FRENCH."

[laughter]

AND I SAID, "HEY, MAN,I DON'T TALK LIKE THAT.

"WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME?

PLEASE TALK TO MEHOW I TALK."

PROBABLY WASN'T THE BEST WAYTO START OFF

BY MOCKING HIS LANGUAGE,BUT WHO CARES?

I TAKE RISKS IN LIFE.

AND HE SAYS,"YOU WERE JAYWALKING."

I SAYS,"SORRY ABOUT THAT."

THEN I TRIED TO KEEP GOING

ABOUT MY DAY,'CAUSE I THOUGHT

THAT'S HOW JAYWALKINGWAS HANDLED AS A CRIME.

HE WENT,"YOU WERE JAYWALKING!"

"MY BAD.WE'RE DONE HERE, RIGHT?"

"I APOLOGIZE,NOT FOR THE ACT OF JAYWALKING,

"BUT FOR HOW MY JAYWALKINGMADE YOU FEEL.

"I'LL TRY NOT TO JAYWALKIN THE FUTURE

"WHILE YOU'RE WATCHING,BUT TRUST THAT I'M GONNA DO THIS

"THE REST OF MY LIFE.

IT'S THE BEST WAY TO GO ABOUTBEING A PEDESTRIAN."

[cheers and applause]

GUESS WHAT?TWO MORE COPS SHOW UP.

NOW WE HAVETHREE POLICE OFFICERS

WORKING THIS HIGH-PROFILEJAYWALKING CASE.

THE COP THAT STOPPED ME'SABOUT 50,

AND THE TWO EXTRA COPS,THEY'RE ABOUT MY AGE.

I DECIDE I WANTEDTO TALK TRASH

AND GET UNDER THE COP'S SKINTHAT WAS STANDING

CLOSEST TO ME,'CAUSE I DON'T LIKE HIM

OR WHAT HE REPRESENTS,AND HE ALSO DIDN'T SEEM

LIKE THE TYPE OF COPTHAT WOULD MURDER ME.

I SAY, "HEY, MAN, YOUR COLLEAGUEHERE IS 50 YEARS OLD,

"AND HE'S WRITING JAYWALKINGTICKETS FOR A LIVING.

IS HE CONSIDERED A FAILUREAS A POLICE OFFICER?"

all: OOH.

- HE WAS UPSET.

HE DIDN'T WANT TO SHOWTHAT HE WAS UPSET,

BUT I COULD TELLHE WAS UPSET,

'CAUSE THE NEXT THINGHE SAID WAS,

"OH, SO YOU A COOL GUY, HUH?"

[laughter]

I SAID,"NO, I'M NOT A COOL GUY.

YOU A COOL GUY?"HE SAID, "YEAH, I'M A COOL GUY

JUST DOING COOL STUFF,TRYING TO BE COOL."

[laughter]

I SAID, "MAN, COOL PEOPLENEVER SAY [bleep] LIKE THAT."

[laughter]

THEY GAVE ME A $37 TICKETFOR JAYWALKING

AND A $444 TICKETJUST FOR BEING AN ASSHOLE.

THAT'S HOW MUCH IT COSTS

TO BE AN ASSHOLETO MONTREAL POLICE,

JUST IN CASEYOU'RE PRICING IT OUT

FOR YOUR NEXT VACATION.

BUT DON'T WORRY.I'M NOT PAYING EITHER OF THEM.

IT'S IN CANADA.IT'S NOT REAL TO ME.

[smooth jazz]

[R&B melody]

- ♪ WHO'S THAT GUYSHOOTING AT ME? ♪

♪ OOH-OOH-OOH

- ♪ I'M THAT GUYSHOOTING AT YOU ♪

♪ OOH-OOH-OOH

- ♪ WOULD YOU STOP SHOOTINGAT ME? ♪

- ♪ NO WAY

- ♪ WE JUST WANTTO TALK TO YOU, OOH ♪

- ♪ OOH

- ♪ THEY CAN'T HEAR YOU

♪ 'CAUSE THEY'RE SHOOTINGTHEIR GUNS ♪

♪ AND THEY JUST MIGHT BEALIENS ♪

- ♪ BUT I'LL BLAST THE FOOL

- ♪ NO, THAT'S NOT SOMETHINGYOU WANT TO DO ♪

all: ♪ 'CAUSE MY PARTNERIS CRAZY ♪

♪ UNSTABLE AND CRAZY

♪ OOH

- ♪ HEY, GUYS

♪ WHY CAN'T WE ALLJUST GET ALONG? ♪

♪ GO HOME AND MAKE SWEET,SEXUAL LOVE TO OUR WIVES ♪

♪ EVERYBODY ALL RIGHTWITH THAT? ♪

[gunshot]

- ♪ I TOLD YOUMY PARTNER IS CRAZY ♪

AND THEY STOP THE CONVERSATION

TO POINT TO THE CLOCK,'CAUSE IT'S 11:11--

"OH! IT'S 11:11!MAKE A WISH!"--

AND 30 SECONDS LATER,THEY'RE STILL ALIVE,

MY WISH DIDN'T COME TRUE.

[laughter]

I THINK THAT IT'S STRANGETHAT BLACK GUYS CAN WEAR

JEANS AND A WHITE T-SHIRTAND STILL MAKE IT LOOK COOL.

YOU KNOW,IF YOU SEE I WHITE GUY

IN JEANSAND AN OVERSIZED WHITE T-SHIRT,

YOU'RE JUST LIKE,"OH, LOOK AT THAT POOR MAN.

"LOOK AT THATPOOR, OLD WHITE BOY.

"HE CAN'T AFFORD LETTERSOR COLORS OR GRAPHICS

"FOR HIS SHIRT AT ALL.

"HE JUST GOESTO T-SHIRT STORES LIKE,

'HOW MUCH ARE THEYBEFORE YOU START?'"

I SAW--I SAW THIS BLACK GUY.

HE HAD AN OVERSIZED,WHITE T-SHIRT,

BUT IT WAS SO BIG,SO OVERSIZED,

THAT HE WAS PRIMARILYA WHITE T-SHIRT.

[laughter]

HE LOOKED LIKE A HIP-HOP GHOST.

I WALKED UP TO HIMAND I WAS LIKE,

"SIR? SIR?

"WHAT BUSINESS DO YOU HAVEON THIS WORLD

"THAT IS PREVENTING YOUFROM GOING TO THE AFTERLIFE?

AND HOW CAN I HELP?"

TURNED OUT HE JUST HADTO KICK THE ASS

OF A TODDLER-BODIED WHITE GUY.

I HELPED HIM RIGHT AWAY.

[rap music]

- ♪ OH, LITTLE MAMA GET IT IN,LIKE A PORNO ♪

- ♪ HOPPIN' ON MY TOP,WITH HER WHOLE THROAT ♪

♪ DROPPIN' HER TOP,LIKE A FERRARI ♪

♪ NOW THAT'S HOW YOU DRIVE,LIKE LARI ♪

♪ AH, CAN I HAVEBIG BOOBIES? ♪

♪ AND BRING YOUR BLACK FRIENDTHAT GOT THE BIG BOOTY ♪

♪ BABY, AH, YOU SEXY

♪ BABY, YOU KNOW THAT,RIGHT? ♪

♪ YOU IN THAT PORNO, SHEESH

♪ DOIN' EVERYTHINGYOU KNOW I LIKE ♪

IF YOU DISAGREE,

WATCH COMMERCIALS THATARE TARGETED AT LITTLE GIRLS.

A COMMERCIAL FOR, LIKE,A TOY OR A GAME

FOR A LITTLE GIRL,

ALWAYS SEEMS LIKE IT CAMEFROM ANOTHER WORLD

WHERE FEMINISMJUST NEVER HAPPENED.

A COMMERCIAL FOR A GAMEFOR A LITTLE GIRL,

IT ALWAYS SOUNDS LIKE THIS.IT'S ALWAYS LIKE,

"HEY, GIRLS!

"IT'S THE SHOP TILL YOU COOK GAME!

"THE ONLY GAME THAT COMBINESSHOPPING AND COOKING--

"THE ONLY TWO THINGSA WOMAN CAN DO.

"MOVE YOUR CHEERLEADER TOKENAROUND THE SHOPPING MALL,

"SEARCHING FOR THE INGREDIENTSTO MAKE THE PERFECT DESSERT.

"DON'T LAND ON THE CAREER PATH

"OR ELIGIBLE MEN WILL THINKYOU'RE A LESBIAN.

[laughter and applause]

AND THEN BOYS--

BOYS' TOYS,TOYS FOR BOYS--

THE COMMERICIALS FOR THOSEARE JUST AS EVIL,

BUT, LIKE, IN THE EXACTOPPOSITE DIRECTION.

IT'S ALWAYS FOR, LIKE,SOME ACTION FIGURE, RIGHT?

AND IT'S ALWAYS GOT SOME, LIKE,BADASS SONG TO GO ALONG WITH IT,

AND IT'S ALWAYS HORRIFYING.IT'S ALWAYS LIKE--

♪ KILLGORETHE MURDER TROOPER ♪

♪ HE USES GUNS

♪ TO SHOOT HIS ENEMIESIN THE FACE WITH ACID ♪

♪ AND HE DRIVES A TRUCK

♪ MADE OF SNAKESMADE OF METAL ♪

♪ IF YOU DON'T OWN KILLGORE,YOU'RE A [bleep] ♪

WE'VE ALL SEENTHAT COMMERCIAL.

YOU GUYS WERE WONDERFUL.SEE YOU LATER.

[cheers and applause]

- SURPRISE.

THIS IS THE LAST PARACHUTE.

THE OTHER ONEIS JUST A BACKPACK

FILLED WITHYOUR DAUGHTER'S HAIR.

[giggles]

NOW I KNOW--WELL, I'M TELLING YOU FOR LATER,

ACTUALLY, I MAY HAVE REVEALEDTHIS ONE A LITTLE TOO SOON.

'CAUSE I WAS--YOU KNOW,I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE--

I WAS SUPPOSEDTO BE ON THE PLANE

WHEN I DID THIS ONE.

[bleep]

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