Monday, March 24, 2014

  • 03/24/2014

W. Kamau Bell, Eliza Skinner and Hannibal Buress find ways to #RuinAChildrensBook, guess what a record-breaker typed with his nose and list classic white people hashtags.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNET

HEADLINES, IT'S RAPID REFRESH.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

GUYS, GUYS, SHUT UP, GUYS, SHUT

UP, GUYS, GUYS, GUYS.

THE NEW TRAILER FOR "X-MEN: DAYS

OF FUTURE PAST" HAS HIT THE

YOUTUBES TODAY.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

AND IT IS (BLEEP) AWESOME!

YES, THE INTERNET IS GOING

CRAZY FOR SOMETHING THAT

INVOLVES JENNIFER LAWRENCE AND

SUPERPOWERS AND I AM WAY ON

BOARD, ALL OF THOSE THINGS.

HERE IS A CLIP FEATURING MORE

SEXY MUTATIONS THAN YOU CAN

SHAKE A STICK AT RIGHT HERE WITH

YOUR TELEKINESIS.

RIGHT HERE.

>> MUTANTS, WE NOW FIND

OURSELVES ON THE EDGE OF

EXTINCTION.

>> YOU'LL NEED TO GO INTO THE

PAST.

>> Chris: I FEEL THIS NEXT LINE

SHOULD BE, "MOTHER(BLEEP)."

(LAUGHTER)

THE CAST IN THIS MOVIE IS

MASSIVE, MASSIVE.

THERE WERE SO MANY MUTANTS THAT

HAD TO BE CUT FROM THE FILM.

SO COMEDIANS, FOR 100 POINTS

EACH, PLEASE NAME LESSER-KNOWN

MUTANTS THAT WERE CUT OUT OF THE

FILM.

KAMAU BELL.

>> HOW ABOUT THE SMIRNOFF

ICEMAN?

(LAUGHTER)

(GREEN APPLE).

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS.

HANNIBAL BURESS.

>> NIGHT BAWLER.

(LAUGHTER)

BAWLER LIKE CRYING, LIKE A DUDE

THAT WALKS AROUND CRYING AT

NIGHT.

(LAUGHTER)

A REAL SAD DUDE, MAN.

>> I WAS PICTURING DRAKE.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS, HANNIBAL

BURESS, POINTS.

NORMALLY, I WOULD NEVER, EVER

MAKE FUN OF SOMEONE WHO JUST

DIED, OUT OF RESPECT AND THE

"TOO SOON" RULE, BUT (BLEEP)

FRED PHELPS IN THE FACE.

FOUNDER OF THE WESTBORO BAPTIST

CHURCH.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

HE IS NOW... FRED IS NOW

FERTILIZING THE EARTH LIKE THE

PIECE OF (BLEEP) THAT HE WAS.

(LAUGHTER)

AND I MEAN, WHAT CAN YOU...

HOW CAN YOU POSSIBLY RESPOND

TO A DEATH LIKE THIS WITH A GUY

WHO SPREAD SO MUCH HATRED

IN THE WORLD AT THE EXPENSE

OF OTHER PEOPLE'S SUFFERING?

I THINK THIS IS THE ONLY

APPROPRIATE RESPONSE.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

SO KNOWING THAT RIGHT NOW

FRED PHELPS IS AT THE BUSINESS

END OF SATAN'S (BLEEP), PLEASE

GIVE ME SATAN'S FIRST TWEET

KNOWING THAT HIS SPAWN, FRED

PHELPS, IS FINALLY HOME.

KAMAU.

>> WE REGRET TO INFORM YOU THAT

YOU ARE TOO (BLEEP)ED UP FOR

HELL, SO WE'VE RE-ROUTED YOU TO

FLORIDA.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS, POINTS.

ELIZA.

>> THE GREATEST TRICK I EVER

PULLED WAS CONVINCING YOU I

WASN'T FRED PHELPS, #SAMESIE,

#GOINGHOME.

>> Chris: POINTS.

HANNIBAL.

>> HEY, FRED PHELPS JUST GOT

HERE AND HE IS KIND OF A BUMMER.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS.

LADY GAGA RELEASED A NEW VIDEO

THING FOR HER SONG "G.U.Y" THAT

IS FULL OF STRAIGHT UP LADY GAGA

AT HER GAGA-IEST, AND YOUTUBE IS

GOING GAGA FOR IT.

THIS VIDEO IS ALMOST 12 MINUTES

LONG AND FULL OF STUFF LIKE

THIS.

>> GREETINGS FROM EROS, GOD OF

SEXUAL DESIRE.

SON OF APHRODITE.

LAY BACK.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: DO YOU REMEMBER WHEN

SHE WAS A SINGER?

(LAUGHTER)

IT DOESN'T FEEL LIKE IT WAS THAT

LONG AGO.

COMEDIANS, WHICH OF THE

FOLLOWING GIFS IS ACTUALLY FROM

THE NEW LADY GAGA VIDEO?

IS IT A) THIS MOSTLY NAKED GUY

ON A SKATEBOARD THAT I CALL

BRONY HAWK.

(LAUGHTER)

B) THIS BIRD LADY WHO LOOKS LIKE

SHE'S BEEN HITTING THE SPRING

BREAK A LITTLE TOO HARD.

OH, NO!

LOVE SPRING BREAK!

(LAUGHTER)

C) THIS THING THAT'S LIKE

THE WORST PUDDING POP COMMERCIAL

EVER.

OH!

(AUDIENCE REACTS)

I DIDN'T THINK IT WAS

POSSIBLE TO SEE AN IMAGE THAT

WOULD GIVE ME A BONER AND

DIARRHEA AT THE SAME TIME.

WHICH ONE OF THESE IS FROM HER

VIDEO?

ELIZA.

>> B.

THE OTHER TWO ARE KATY PERRY.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: IT IS IN FACT B!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

#HASHTAGWARS.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

THE NUMBER ONE MOVIE IN AMERICA

THIS WEEKEND WAS "DIVERGENT",

BASED ON A POPULAR

YOUNG ADULT NOVEL.

SO IT LOOKS LIKE THE MOVIE

DIDN'T RUIN THIS BELOVED BOOK,

BUT TONIGHT'S HASHTAG WILL

BECAUSE IT IS

#RUINACHILDRENSBOOK.

EXAMPLES MIGHT BE "HARRY POTTER

AND THE CRIPPLING DEBT" OR

"CHARLOTTE'S WEBBED FEET" OR

"HORTON HEARS HIS CANCER

DIAGNOSIS."

(LAUGHTER)

ALL RIGHT, GUYS.

I'M GOING TO PUT 60 SECONDS ON

THE CLOCK STARTING NOW.

HANNIBAL.

>> OH, THE PLACES YOU'LL GO

WHEN YOU NEED TO SCORE COCAINE.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS, YES, OF

COURSE.

ELIZA.

>> THE LION, THE WITCH AND THE

WAR CRIMES.

>> Chris: POINTS.

KAMAU.

>> GOOD NIGHT (BLEEP).

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS!

ELIZA.

>> AMELIA PEDOPHILIA.

>> Chris: POINTS!

YES, HANNIBAL.

>> THE HARDY BOYS BANG JUDY

BLUME?

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: WAIT.

THE HARDY BOYS STEPPED OUT OF A

BOOK AND BANG A CHILDREN'S

AUTHOR?

>> YEAH, MAN.

>> Chris: AS SHE'S TRYING TO

WRITE, "ARE YOU THERE GOD, IT'S

ME, MARGARET."

>> CROSS PROMOTION, MAN.

>> Chris: POINTS, YEAH, POINTS.

ELIZA.

>> RUMPLE FORESKIN.

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: MOST OF EUROPE.

POINTS.

ONE MORE, KAMAU.

>> THE CAT IN THE HAT (BLEEP) ON

MY BACK.

(LAUGHTER)

(AUDIENCE REACTS)

TOO SOON?

PITCH.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

HASHBAG IS A SITE THAT COLLECTS

PHOTOS OF THINGS PEOPLE ARE

TRYING TO SELL ON INSTAGRAM

BECAUSE APPARENTLY RANDOM JUNK

PLUS KELVIN FILTER EQUALS CASH

MONEY, Y'ALL!

SO I'M GOING TO SHOW YOU GUYS

SOME ITEMS CURRENTLY FOR SALE ON

HASHBAG, AND YOU GIVE ME A PITCH

TO HELP SELL THEM.

ALL RIGHT, FIRST THIS HAMBURGERS

AND FRIES MINI DRESS.

WHAT ABOUT THAT?

YES, ELIZA?

>> YOU BUY THE MEAL, YOU GET THE

SHAKE FOR FREE.

>> Chris: NICE!

POINTS, PERFECT!

SOLD.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

YOU WANT TO SEE THE PATTY THAT'S

UNDERNEATH THESE FRIES?

(LAUGHTER)

>> IT'S ME, I'M PATTY.

>> Chris: I'M PATTY, HI.

(LAUGHTER)

NEXT.

THESE MANNEQUIN LEGS AND ARMS.

YES, HANNIBAL.

>> WANT TO (BLEEP) SOME PARTS

BUT NOT ALL PARTS?

(LAUGHTER)

I'M BUMMED OUT, MAN.

>> DEFINITELY NOT THE GOOD

PARTS?

>> Chris: POINTS, HANNIBAL.

>> THROW YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR.

SERIOUSLY, THROW THEM IN THE

AIR, YOU CAN DO IT FOR $19.95.

>> Chris: POINTS.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

ALL RIGHT, NEXT ONE,

THIS TIGER MASK FOR YOUR CAT.

(LAUGHTER)

YES, ELIZA.

>> FINALLY I CAN MAKE MY PUSSY

LOOK MEANER.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS!

KAMAU.

>> YOU AND YOUR KITTY CAN

RE-ENACT THE FINAL PERFORMANCE

OF SIEGFRIED AND ROY.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: I GOTTA GIVE YOU

POINTS FOR THAT.

REAL DOLL OR REAL MODEL.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

SO I'M GOING TO SHOW YOU A

PARTIAL IMAGE OF A SCANTILY CLAD

LADY AND YOU TELL ME IF IT IS A

REAL DOLL OR A MODEL.

AN ACTUAL PERSON, A HUMAN BEING.

HERE IS THE FIRST ONE.

REAL DOLL OR PERSON?

ELIZA.

>> PERSON.

>> Chris: LET'S FIND OUT.

THAT IS A REAL DOLL.

>> I KNOW HER.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: NO ONE CAN REALLY KNOW

HER.

I LIKE THAT THE AUDIENCE WAS...

THEY WERE A LITTLE LIKE, "OH, I

WAS TURNED ON FOR A SECOND."

(LAUGHTER)

>> SOME OF THEM ARE STILL TURNED

ON, LET'S BE REAL.

>> I WOULDN'T BONE THAT, BUT I

WOULD SIT HER ON MY COUCH WHILE

I PLAYED VIDEO GAMES.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: 100 POINTS FOR THAT

CONFESSION.

>> JUST A LITTLE FOREPLAY.

>> Chris: NEXT ONE, REAL DOLL

OR MODEL, REAL DOLL OR MODEL.

>> HANNIBAL.

>> THAT IS REAL BECAUSE...

IT'S REAL.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: I FOLLOW YOUR TRAIN

OF THOUGHT.

>> YOU CAN'T ARGUE WITH THAT.

CLASSIC HANNIBAL LOGIC.

>> Chris: THANK YOU, DESCARTES.

>> ALSO, A DOLL WOULD NOT WEAR

HORRIBLE '90S PANTS AND (BLEEP).

(LAUGHTER)

"I WANT MY DOLL TO LOOK LIKE IT

WAS IN THE SPICE GIRLS."

(LAUGHTER)

>> I BET A LOT OF PEOPLE WANT

THEIR DOLLS TO LOOK LIKE THEY

WERE IN THE SPICE GIRLS.

>> Chris: I'LL TELL YOU WHAT

YOU'LL (BLEEP), WHAT YOU'LL

REALLY, REALLY (BLEEP).

(LAUGHTER)

>> ZIG A ZIG, OH!

>> Chris: THIS IS IN FACT

A MODEL.

IT IS A REAL PERSON!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

HASHTAGS.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> YES!

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT, SO NICK

CANNON INSTAGRAMED THIS PHOTO OF

HIMSELF IN WHITE FACE.

I MEAN, HAVEN'T WHITE PEOPLE

TAKEN ENOUGH ABUSE?

NO, WE HAVEN'T.

IN ANY CASE, THIS PHOTO WAS TO

PROMOTE HIS UPCOMING ALBUM

"WHITE PEOPLE PARTY MUSIC" AND

IT FEATURED-- THIS IS ACTUALLY

THE MOST CRIMINAL PART OF THIS--

NINE HASHTAGS, NINE HASHTAGS.

BUT OF THOSE NINE HASHTAGS, THEY

WERE ALL STEREOTYPICAL WHITE BRO

THINGS SUCH AS #GOODCREDIT,

#FARMERSMARKET,

#CREAMCHEESEEATING.

SO COMEDIANS, I WOULD LIKE YOU

GUYS TO COME UP WITH POSSIBLY

BETTER WHITE PEOPLE HASHTAGS

THAN NICK CANNON DID.

I'M GOING TO PUT 60 SECONDS ON

THE CLOCK, AND GO.

YES, ELIZA.

>> #GIRLSHBO.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS.

POINTS.

HANNIBAL.

>> #SKIBOOTS.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS.

KAMAU.

>> #THIS BLACK NEIGHBORHOOD HAS

TOO MANY BLACK PEOPLE IN IT.

>> Chris: POINTS.

"YEAH, BUT I'M REALLY ARTY,

SO I WANT TO..."

HANNIBAL.

>> #I JUST GOT MY MASTERS

IN ANTHROPOLOGY.

(LAUGHTER0

>> Chris: POINTS.

KAMAU.

>> #AMC SUNDAY NIGHTS FOREVER!

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: UM, YEAH!

(BLEEP) YEAH, AMC SUNDAY NIGHTS.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

SOMEBODY'S GOT TO PAY FOR THIS

MOTHER(BLEEP)'S JAGUAR.

WHICH ALSO WOULD BE A WHITE

PERSON HASHTAG.

NEXT, NEXT.

YES, HANNIBAL.

>> #IRON AND WINE IS THE BEST

BAND TO EVER LIVE.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS.

KAMAU.

>> #@MIDNIGHT'S WRITER'S ROOM.

>> Chris: WHAT?

(LAUGHTER)

UM...

YOU KNOW...

POINTS FOR CALLING US OUT!

DAMN IT!

>> #VOLVOLEASE.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: ELIZA.

>> #WAYNEBRADY.

>> Chris: POINTS.

HANNIBAL.

>> #MONTESSORI SCHOOL.

(LAUGHTER)

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