Monday, March 24, 2014

  • 03/24/2014

W. Kamau Bell, Eliza Skinner and Hannibal Buress find ways to #RuinAChildrensBook, guess what a record-breaker typed with his nose and list classic white people hashtags.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNETHEADLINES, IT'S RAPID REFRESH.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>> Chris: GUYS, GUYS, GUYS,

SHUT UP, SHUT UP, GUYS, GUYS,GUYS.

THE NEW TRAILER FOR "X-MEN: DAYSOF FUTURE PAST" HIT YOUTUBE

TODAY.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>> Chris: AND IT IS (BLEEP)

AWESOME!

>> YES THE INTERNET IS GOINGCRAZY FOR SOMETHING THAT

INVOLVES JENNIFER LAWRENCE ANDSUPERPOWERS AND I AM WAY ON

BOARD ALL OF THESE THINGS.

HERE IS A CLIP FEATURING MORESEXY MUTATIONS THAN YOU CAN

SHAKE A STICK AT WITH YOURTELEKINESIS.

>> MUTANTS, WE NOW FINDOURSELVES ON THE EDGE OF

EXTINCTION.

>> LOOKING INTO THE.

>> WE NEED TO GO INTO THE PAST.

>> Chris: OH.

I FEEL THE LINE SHOULD BE(BLEEP) MOTHER (BLEEP).

THE CAST IN THIS MOVIE ISMASSIVE, MASSIVE.

THERE WERE SO MANY MUTANTS THATHAD TO BE CUT FROM THE FILM.

COMEDIANS FOR 100 POINTS PLEASENAME A LESSER-KNOWN MUTANTS THAT

WERE CUT OUT OF THE FILM.

>> HOW ABOUT THE SMIRNOFFICEMAN.

>> AT THE GREAT APPLE.

>> Chris: POINTS.

>> NIGHT BALLER.

BALLER LIKE CRYING LIKE A DUDETHAT WALKS AROUND CRYING AT

NIGHT.

>> Chris: I WAS FEATURING --POINTS.

NORMALLY, I WOULD NEVER, EVERMAKE FUN OF SOMEONE WHO JUST

DIED OUT OF RESPECT, AND THE TOOSOON RULE, BUT (BLEEP) THAT.

FRED PHELPS PASSED AWAY FROM THEWESTBORO BAPTIST CHURCH.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>> Chris: HE IS NOW, FRED IS

NOW FERTILIZING THE EARTH LIKE APIECE OF (BLEEP) THAT HE WAS.

AND I MEAN, WHAT CAN YOU -- HOWCAN YOU POSSIBLY RESPOND TO A

DEATHLIKE THIS WITH A GUY WHOSPREAD SO MUCH HATRED IN THE

WORLD AT THE EXPENSE OF OTHERPEOPLE SUFFERING, I THINK THIS

IS THE ONLY APPROPRIATERESPONSE.

>>[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> Chris: SO RIGHT, KNOWINGFRED PHELPS IS AT THE BUSINESS

END OF SATAN'S (BLEEP) PLEASEGIVE ME SATAN'S FIRST TWEET

KNOWING THAT HIS SPAWN, FREDPHELPS IS COMING HOME.

>> WE REGRET YOU THAT YOU ARETOO (BLEEP)ED UP FOR HELL SO WE

REWITHOUTED YOU TO FLORIDA.

>> Chris: POINTS, POINTS.

ELIZA.

>> THE GREATEST TRICK I EVERPULLED WAS CONVINCING YOU I

WASN'T FRED PHELPS, HASHTAG,GOING HOME.

>> Chris: HANNIBAL.

>> HEY, FRED PHELPS JUST GOTHERE AND HE IS KIND OF A BUMMER.

[ APPLAUSE ]>> Chris: POINTS.

LADY GAGA RELEASED A NEW VIDEOTHING FOR HER SONG, GUY THAT IS

FULL OF STRAIGHT ON LADY GAGA ATHER GAGA GEIST AND YOUTUBE IS

GOING GAGA FOR IT. THE VIDEO ISALMOST 12 MINUTES LONG AND FULL

OF STUFF LIKE THIS.

>> GOD AND SEXUAL DESIGNER,.

>> Chris: DO YOU REMEMBER WHENSHE WAS A SINGER? IT WASN'T

THAT LONG AGO.

COMEDIANS WHICH OF THE FOLLOWINGGIFS IS ACTUALLY FROM THE NEW

LADY GAGA VIDEO.

>> A.

THIS MOSTLY NAKED GUY ON ASKATEBOARD THAT I CALL BRONY

HAWK.

B THIS BIRD LADY WHO LOOKS LIKESHE'S BEEN HITTING SPRING BREAK

A LITTLE TOO HARD.

OH, NO!

>> LOVE SPRING BREAK!

>> C.

THIS THING THAT LOOKS LIKE THEWORST PUDDING POP COMMERCIAL

EVER.

OH!

>> I DIDN'T THINK IT WASPOSSIBLE TO SEE AN IMAGE THAT

WOULD GIVE ME A BONER ANDDIARRHEA AT THE SAME TIME.

WHICH ONE OF THESE IS FROM HERVIDEO? ELIZA.

>> B.

THE OTHER TWO ARE KATY PERRY.

>> Chris: IT IS IN FACT, B!

NOW TIME FOR TONIGHT'S HASHTAGWARS.

>> THE NUMBER ONE MOVIE INAMERICA THIS WEEKEND WAS

DIVERGENT BASED ON A POPULARYOUNG ADULT NOVEL.

SO IT LOOKS LIKE THE MOVIEDIDN'T RUIN THIS BELOVED BOOK

BUT TONIGHT'S HASHTAG WILL,BECAUSE IT IS

RUIN-A-CHILDRENS-BOOK,RUIN-A-CHILDRENS-BOOK, SUCH AS

HARRY POTTER AND THE CRIPPLINGDEBT OR CHARLOTTE'S WEB FEET OR

HORTON HEARS HIS CANCERDIAGNOSIS.

>> ALL RIGHT, GUYS.

I WANT TO PUT 60-SECONDS ON THECLOCK STARTING NOW.

HANNIBAL.

>> OF ALL THE PLACES YOU WILL GOWHEN YOU NEED TO SNORT COCAINE.

>> Chris: POINTS.

ELIZA.

>> THE LION, THE WITCH AND THEWAR CRIME.

>> Chris: POINTS.

KAMAU.

>> GOOD NIGHT (BLEEP).

>> Chris: POINTS! ELIZA.

>> EMELIA PEDOPHILIA.

>> Chris: POINTS! YES.

HANNIBAL.

>> THE HARDY BOYS BANG JUDYBLUE.

>> Chris: POINTS.

THE HARDY BOYS STEPPED OUT OF ABOOK AND BANG A CHILDREN'S

AUTHOR?

>> YEAH, MAN.

>> Chris: ELIZA.

>> RUMPLED FORESKIN.

[ APPLAUSE ]>> Chris: POINTS.

KAMAU.

>> THE CAT IN THE HAT (BLEEP) ONMY BACK.

HASHBAG SALES PITCH.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>> Chris: HASHBAG IS A SITE

THAT COLLECTS PHOTOS OF THINGSPEOPLE ARE TRYING TO SELL ON

INSTAGRAM BECAUSE APPARENTLYRANDOM JUNK PLUS KELVIN FILTER

EQUALS CASH MONEY YOU ALL! I'MGOING TO SHOW YOU SOME ITEMS

CURRENTLY FOR SALE ON HASHBAG,YOU GIVE ME A PITCH TO HELP SELL

EM.

>> THIS HAMBURGERS AND FRIESMINI DRESS.

>> YOU BUY THE MEAL, YOU GET THESHAKE FOR FREE.

>> Chris: POINTS, PERFECT!

[ APPLAUSE ]>> Chris: YOU WANT TO SEE THE

PATTY THAT IS UNDERNEATH THESEFRIES?

>> IT IS ME.

I'M PATTY.

>> Chris: NEXT.

THESE MANNEQUIN LEGS AND ARMS.

YES, HANNIBAL.

>> WANT TO (BLEEP) SOME PARTSBUT NOT ALL PARTS?

>> DEFINITELY NOT THE GOOD -->> Chris: POINTS, HANNIBAL.

>> THROW YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR.

SERIOUSLY, THROW THEM IN THEAIR, YOU CAN DO IT FOR $19.95.

>> Chris: POINTS.

[ APPLAUSE ]>> Chris: ALL RIGHT.

NEXT ONE, THIS TIGER MASK FORYOUR CAT.

YES, ELIZA.

>> FINALLY I CAN MAKE MY PUSSYLOOK MEANER.

>> Chris: POINTS! KAMAU.

>> YOU AND YOUR KITTY CANREENACT THE FINAL PERFORMANCE

OF SIEGFRIED AND ROY.

>> Chris: I HAVE TO GIVE YOUPOINTS FOR THAT.

REAL DOLL OR REAL MODEL.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>> Chris: SO I'M GOING TO SHOW

YOU A PARTIAL IMAGE OF ASCANTILY CLAD LADY AND YOU TELL

ME IF IT IS A REAL DOLL OR AMODEL.

AN ACTUAL PERSON, A HUMAN BEING.

HERE IS THE FIRST ONE.

REAL DOLL OR PERSON? ELIZA.

>> PERSON.

>> Chris: LET'S FIND OUT.

THAT IS A REAL DOLL.

>> I KNOW HER.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? NOONE CAN REALLY KNOW HER.

>> Chris: THE AUDIENCE WAS ALITTLE LIKE OH, I WAS TURNED

ONFOR A SECOND.

>> SOME OF THEM ARE STILL TURNEDON, LET'S BE REAL.

>> I WOULDN'T BALL THAT BUT IWOULD SIT HERE ON MY COUCH WHILE

I PLAYED VIDEO GAMES.

>> Chris: POINTS FOR THATCONFESSION.

>> JUST A LITTLE FOREPLAY.

>> Chris: NEXT ONE, REAL DOLLOR MODEL, REAL DOLL OR MODEL.

>> HANNIBAL.

>> THAT IS REAL BECAUSE IT ISREAL.

>> Chris: I FOLLOW YOUR TRAINOF THOUGHT.

>> THE PLASTIC HANNIBAL.

A DOLL WOULD NOT WEAR HORRIBLENINETIES PANTS AND (BLEEP).

OH, MY DAUGHTER LOOKED LIKE SHEWAS IN THE SPICE GIRLS.

>> I BET A LOT OF PEOPLE -->> Chris: I WILL TELL YOU WHAT

(BLEEP) WHEN YOU REALLY (BLEEP).

>> IT IS LIKE AAAH.

>> Chris: THIS IS IN FACT, AMODEL.

IT IS A REAL PERSON!

IT IS TIME FOR WHITE PEOPLEHASHTAGS.

OKAY.

YES! NICK CANNON WHITE FACED.

NO.

WE HAVEN'T.

IN ANY CASE THIS PHOTO WAS TOPROMOTE HIS UPCOMING ALBUM WHITE

PEOPLE PARTY MUSIC AND ITFEATURED, THIS IS ACTUALLY THE

MOST CRIMINAL PART OF IT, NINEHASHTAGS, NINE HASHTAGS.

BUT OF THOSE NINE HASHTAGS THEYWERE ALL STEREOTYPICAL WHITE BRO

THINGS LIKE HASHTAG GOOD CREDIT,HASHTAG FARMERS MARKET, HASHTAG

CREAM CHEESE EATING.

SO YOU NEED TO COME UP WITHPOSSIBLY BETTER WHITE PEOPLE

HASHTAGS THAN NICK CANNON DID.

60-SECONDS ON THE CLOCK GO.

>> HASHTAG GIRLS, HBO.

>> Chris: POINTS.

POINTS.

HANNIBAL.

>> HASHTAG SKI BOOTS.

>> Chris: POINTS.

KAMAU.

>> HASHTAG THIS BLACKNEIGHBORHOOD HAS TOO MANY BLACK

PEOPLE IN IT.

>> Chris: POINTS.

REALLY -- POINTS, HANNIBAL.

>> HASHTAG I JUST GOT A MASTERSIN ANTHROPOLOGY.

>> Chris: POINTS.

KAMAU.

>> HASHTAG AMC SUNDAY NIGHT -->> Chris: (BLEEP) YES! AMC!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>> Chris: SOMEBODY HAS TO PAY

FOR THIS (BLEEP) JAGUAR.

>> WHICH ALSO WOULD BE A WHITEPERSON.

HANNIBAL.

>> HASHTAG ALL I WANT IS THEBEST BAND THAT EVER LIVED.

>> Chris: POINTS.

KAMAU.

>> HASHTAG @MIDNIGHT'S WRITER'SROOM.

>> Chris: WHAT?

[ APPLAUSE ]>> Chris: OH! OH POINTS FOR

CALLING US OUT!

>> HASHTAG BUBBLE RELEASE.

>> Chris: ELIZA.

>> HASHTAG WAYNE BRADY.

>> Chris: POINTS.

HANNIBAL.

>> HASHTAG MONTESSORI SCHOOL.

Loading...