April 8, 2014 - Jane Goodall

  • 04/08/2014

A Senate report reveals that the CIA made false claims about enhanced interrogation, Common Core math tests create mass confusion, and Jane Goodall talks "Seeds of Hope.

>> Stephen: TONIGHT, DID THEC.I.A. GO TOO FAR TO FIGHT

TERRORISM?

IF YOU ANSWERED YES, THE DRONESARE ON THE WAY!

(LAUGHTER)THEN STANDARDIZED TESTS GET AN

UPDATE.

READING COMPREHENSION WILL NOWBE LIMITED TO 140 CHARACTERS!

(LAUGHTER)AND MY GUEST DAME JANE GOODALL

HAS A NEW BOOK, SEEDS OF HOPE,WISDOM AND WONDER FROM THE

WORLD OF PLANTS. JOKE'S ON HER,IT'S PRINTED ON DEAD PLANTS.

FBI DOCUMENTS ALLEGE AL SHARPTONWAS A MOB INFORMANT. HE MUST

HAVE JOINED MSNBC AS PART OFTHE WITNESS PROTECTION PROGRAM.

THIS IS THE "THE COLBERTREPORT."

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> Stephen: THANK YOU, LADIES

AND GENTLEMEN!

THANK YOU FOR JOINING US!

(AUDIENCE CHANTING "STEPHEN")>> Stephen: WELCOME TO THE

REPORT, EVERYBODY.

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR JOININGUS!

(AUDIENCE CHANTING)(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Stephen: NATION, IT'S BEENTHREE WEEKS

SINCE VLADIMIR PUTIN ANNEXEDCRIMEA AND PRESIDENT OBAMA STILL

REFUSES TO INTERVENE.

WE HAVE GOT TO INVADE BEFOREPUTIN'S SLAVE ARMY VANQUISHES

ALL OF EUROPE ON HIS WAY TOWESTOROS.

FULL DISCLOSURE -- I MAY HAVEBEEN FLIPPING BETWEEN FOX NEWS

AND "GAME OF THRONES" THE OTHERNIGHT, BUT I STILL SAY, PUTIN

HAS DRAGONS!

(LAUGHTER)IT'S BELIEVABLE.

NOW, YOU MAY SAY, STEPHEN,AMERICANS HAVE NO VESTED

INTEREST HERE BECAUSE, ACCORDINGTO A NEW "WASHINGTON POST" POLL,

ONLY "ONE OUT OF SIX AMERICANSCAN FIND UKRAINE ON A MAP,"

ALTHOUGH TWO FOUND WALDO.

BUT THE SAME EXACT POLL FOUND"THE LESS AMERICANS KNOW ABOUT

UKRAINE'S LOCATION, THE MORETHEY WANT THE U.S. TO

INTERVENE."

DAMN STRAIGHT!

THIS IS AMERICA!

WE DON'T NEED TO KNOW WHERE ACOUNTRY IS TO SEND TROOPS THERE.

YEAH!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)I MEAN, EVENTUALLY, YOU WANT TO

CHECK GOOGLE MAPS, BUT AFTER YOUGIVE THE ORDER.

BESIDES, WHY DON'T I KNOW WHERETHAT COUNTRY IS?

WHAT IS IT HIDING?

IN FACT, THERE ARE PLENTY OFPLACES I'D LIKE TO INVADE FOR

NOT KNOWING WHERE THEY ARE --PARAGUAY, UZBEKISTAN, WHEREVER

THE HELL MY KEYS ARE.

SEE, FOLKS, I BELIEVE INDEMOCRACY, ESPECIALLY WHEN IT

COMES TO GEOGRAPHY.

THE UKRAINE IS WHEREVER THEAMERICAN PEOPLE SAY IT IS.

AND ACCORDING TO THIS POLL,AMERICANS SAY IT'S EVERYWHERE --

(APPLAUSE)ALL THOSE DOTS ARE GUESSES WHERE

IT IS, OKAY?

EVIDENTLY, THERE'S SOME UKRAINEIN

GREENLAND, A BIT OF UKRAINE INAFRICA, THERE'S EVEN SOME

UKRAINE IN THE INDIAN OCEAN.

WHICH IS THE ONLY UKRAINE CNN ISWILLING TO COVER RIGHT NOW.

MOST ALARMING, THERE'S SOMEUKRAINE IN IOWA, WHICH MEANS

IT'S ONLY A MATTER OF TIMEBEFORE PUTIN INVADES AND THEN

WINS THE G.O.P. STRAW POLL --WITH DRAGONS!

(LAUGHTER)GOODBYE, PEN.

I DON'T CARE WHAT ANYBODY SAYS,YOU CANNOT TRUST MAPS.

THEY'RE ALWAYS CHANGING THEIRSTORY.

ONE DAY IT'S PANGEA, 300 MILLIONYEARS LATER IT'S SOMETHING ELSE.

C'MON!

MAKE UP YOUR MIND!

IS ALASKA UP "HERE"?

OR IS IT TUCKED UNDER ARIZONANEXT TO HAWAII?

(LAUGHTER)I WENT TO THE IDITAROD LAST YEAR

AND PACKED NOTHING BUT A SPEEDO.

SO, BRAVO, AMERICAN PEOPLE.

IT'S GREAT TO SEE THAT THE LESSYOU KNOW ABOUT THE UKRAINE

CRISIS, THE MORE YOU'RE WILLINGTO USE MILITARY FORCE.

SO I'LL DO MY PART AND GO BACKTO NOT COVERING IT.

(APPLAUSE)FOLKS, THE C.I.A. NO LONGER HAS

AN ENHANCED INTERROGATIONPROGRAM.

AND WE KNOW THAT BECAUSE WE'VEBEEN ASSURED OF IT BY THE PEOPLE

WHO SAID WE NEVER HAD ONE.

SOME PEOPLE STILL WHINE ABOUTIT, BUT LIKE A DETAINEE IN A

STRESS POSITION, THESE CRITICSDON'T HAVE A LEG TO STAND ON.

BECAUSE ENHANCED INTERROGATIONWORKED.

>> THE STEPS WE TOOK, INCLUDING,I THINK, THINGS LIKE ENHANCED

INTERROGATION TECHNIQUES, MADEIT POSSIBLE FOR US ULTIMATELY TO

PROVIDE THE INTELLIGENCE THATWAS REQUIRED TO TAKE DOWN BIN

LADEN.

>> IF YOU'RE GOING TO SAY THATWE SHOULD NOT HAVE CONDUCTED THE

ENHANCED INTERROGATION PROGRAM,YOU'VE GOT TO BE WILLING TO SAY

HOW MANY AMERICAN LIVES WOULDYOU HAVE BEEN WILLING TO PUT AT

RISK BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T WANT TOWATERBOARD KHALID SHEIKH

MOHAMMED.

>> ANYBODY WHO'S SEEN "OH DARKTHIRTY," KNOWS THAT THERE ARE

PRETTY GOOD ARGUMENTS THAT THOSEINTERROGATIONS GAVE US A LOT OF

INTELLIGENCE INFORMATION.

>> Stephen: THAT UNDERINFLATEDMACY'S BALLOON IS RIGHT.

(LAUGHTER)ANYONE WHO'S SEEN "OH DARK

THIRTY "-- AS NO ONE CALLS IT --KNOWS THAT TORTURE GAVE US A LOT

OF INTELLIGENCE INFORMATION THATLED DIRECTLY TO BIN LADEN.

THE SAME WAY ANYONE WHO'S SEEN"FORREST GUMP" SNOWS THE VIETNAM

WAR LED DIRECTLY TO BUBBA GUMP'SSHRIMP SHACK MAC AND CHEESE!

(LAUGHTER)LEARN YOUR HISTORY.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)BUT LAST WEEK NEWS LEAKED OF A

SENATE INTELLIGENCE COMMITTEEREPORT THAT IS HIGHLY CRITICAL

OF THE INTERROGATION PROGRAM.

ONE OFFICIAL SUMMARIZED THEREPORT, SAYING -- "THE C.I.A.

DESCRIBED ITS PROGRAM...

AS GETTING UNIQUE, OTHERWISEUNOBTAINABLE INTELLIGENCE THAT

HELPED DISRUPT TERRORIST PLOTSAND SAVE THOUSANDS OF LIVES...

WAS THAT ACTUALLY TRUE?

THE ANSWER IS NO ."

HOW MANY (BLEEP) DO I GIVE?

THE ANSWER IS NONE.

BECAUSE WE "DID" LEARN VALUABLEINFORMATION FROM THIS PROGRAM.

WE LEARNED THAT THE UNITEDSTATES IS WILLING TO TORTURE

PEOPLE.

I DID NOT KNOW THAT!

FORMER C.I.A. DIRECTOR ANDGROWNUP PARANOID CHARLIE BROWN,

MICHAEL HAYDEN DEFENDED THEPROGRAM ON FOX NEWS SUNDAY,

SAYING THAT TORTURE WASN'T JUSTABOUT GETTING THE FACTS.

>> THE REPORT SAYS THATINFORMATION ABOUT BIN LADEN'S

COURIER CAME FROM A DETAINEEWHILE HE WAS BEING QUESTIONED BY

KURDS IN NORTHERN IRAQ LONGBEFORE HE WAS TAKEN TO A CIA

PRISON AND GIVEN ENHANCEDINTERROGATION.

>> CHRIS, I AM AWARE THAT SIMPLYLEARNING A FACT IS NOT THE SAME

THING AS LEARNING THE IMPORTANCEOF THAT FACT.

>> Stephen: EXACTLY, THEC.I.A. MAY HAVE ALREADY KNOWN

THE NAME OF BIN LADEN'S COURIER,BUT THAT INFORMATION DIDN'T

SOUND IMPORTANT UNTIL IT WASBEING SCREAMED THROUGH A WET

RAG.

(LAUGHTER)POINT IS...

WHAT WAS THE POINT?

>> DIRECTOR PANETTA, WHEN ASKEDBY THE CONGRESS TO COMMENT ON

"DID THE INTERROGATION PROGRAMHELP WITH GETTING US TO

ABBOTABAD," SAID VERY CLEARLYTHAT THAT INFORMATION WAS PART

OF THE INFORMATION, PART OF THEINTELLIGENCE STREAM THAT LED TO

THE KILLING OF OSAMA BIN LADENAT ABBOTABAD.

DIRECTOR PANETTA WENT ON TO SAY,AND WE'LL NEVER KNOW WHETHER OR

NOT WE MAY HAVE GOTTEN THATINFORMATION THROUGH ANOTHER WAY,

BUT HE DID NOT DENY THATINFORMATION FROM THIS PROGRAM

HELPED PINPOINT BIN LADEN.

>> Stephen: YES, WE'LL NEVERKNOW WHETHER OR NOT WE MAY HAVE

GOTTEN THAT INFORMATION ANOTHERWAY.

OTHER THAN THE OTHER WAY WE KNOWWE GOT IT.

(LAUGHTER)(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

HUGE FANS OF INFORMATION HERETONIGHT.

(LAUGHTER)BUT WE DO KNOW THAT WE TORTURED

PEOPLE -- AND LATER WE GOTBIN LADEN.

THAT'S NOT ME SAYING IT.

THAT'S SCIENCE.

AND THAT MAD MAN OVER THERE.

OKAY?

BESIDES, IN THIS COMPLEX WORLD,WHO KNOWS WHAT LEADS TO

SOMETHING ELSE HAPPENING.

IT'S JUST LIKE HOW IF ABUTTERFLY FLAPS ITS WINGS IN THE

AMAZON, THAT MIGHT "ALSO" HAVELED TO BIN LADEN.

WE'LL NEVER KNOW UNTIL THEC.I.A. CAPTURES THAT BUTTERFLY

AND PULLS ITS WINGS OFF.

(LAUGHTER)BUT LOOK, I CAN AGREE WITH ME

ALL NIGHT.

THERE'S ONLY ONE SURE WAY TOCONFRONT THIS PAINFUL CHAPTER IN

OUR HISTORY -- NEVER CONFRONTIT.

I HAVE BEEN SAYING THAT WITH MYFRIENDS FOR YEARS.

>> WE NEED TO GET THIS BEHINDUS.

>> THIS IS ANCIENT HISTORY NOW,AND WE ADOPTED THIS PROGRAM AND

WE SHOULD NOW NOT BE GOING AFTEROR DISPARAGING THE PEOPLE THAT

CARRIED IT OUT.

(ELSA SINGING "LET IT GO" FROM"FROZEN")

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> Stephen: WELL SAID, DANA

PERINO.

AT THIS POINT, THE WHOLE TORTUREDEBATE IS JUST WATER UNDER THE

BRIDGE AND UP THE NOSTRIL.

AND I GOTTA POINT SOMETHING OUT.

WHY IS IT THAT I AND THE OTHERPEOPLE WHO SUPPORTED ENHANCED

INTERROGATION ARE THE ONLY ONESWILLING TO GET PAST IT?

THIS HAS GOT TO BE A TWO-WAYSTREET.

SOME PEOPLE THOUGHT IT WASRIGHT, OTHERS THOUGHT IT WAS

WRONG.

LET'S MEET IN THE MIDDLE ANDNEVER DISCUSS IT AGAIN.

THIS IS ABOUT OUR RELATIONSHIPAS A NATION.

AND IN A RELATIONSHIP, WHENSOMEONE DOES SOMETHING

SHAMEFUL -- SAY, CHEAT ON YOURSPOUSE OR CHAIN SOMEONE IN THE

BASEMENT OF A CZECH DISCO FORTHREE YEARS -- DO YOU KEEP

DREDGING IT UP?

NO!

YOU TAKE THE PAIN AND YOU STUFFIT DOWN DEEP, ACT LIKE

EVERYTHING'S FINE AND GET ONWITH YOUR LIVES.

THEN TEN YEARS LATER, A LITTLELEAGUE UMP MAKES A BAD CALL AND

YOU GO AT HIM WITH A PLANK FROMTHE BLEACHERS.

"YOU CALL THAT A STRIKE?!

"ARE YOU (BLEEP) BLIND?!

IT WAS ONE NIGHT ON A WORK TRIPAND IT MEANT NOTHING TO ME!

UNFREEZE YOUR HEART!"(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

POINT IS, WE'RE OVER IT.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

(APPLAUSE)FOLKS, THE C.I.A. NO LONGER HAS

AN ENHANCED INTERROGATIONPROGRAM.

AND WE KNOW THAT BECAUSE WE'VEBEEN ASSURED OF IT BY THE PEOPLE

WHO SAID WE NEVER HAD ONE.

SOME PEOPLE STILL WHINE ABOUTIT, BUT LIKE A DETAINEE IN A

STRESS POSITION, THESE CRITICSDON'T HAVE A LEG TO STAND ON.

BECAUSE ENHANCED INTERROGATIONWORKED.

>> THE STEPS WE TOOK, INCLUDING,I THINK, THINGS LIKE ENHANCED

INTERROGATION TECHNIQUES, MADEIT POSSIBLE FOR US ULTIMATELY TO

PROVIDE THE INTELLIGENCE THATWAS REQUIRED TO TAKE DOWN BIN

LADEN.

>> IF YOU'RE GOING TO SAY THATWE SHOULD NOT HAVE CONDUCTED THE

ENHANCED INTERROGATION PROGRAM,YOU'VE GOT TO BE WILLING TO SAY

HOW MANY AMERICAN LIVES WOULDYOU HAVE BEEN WILLING TO PUT AT

RISK BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T WANT TOWATERBOARD KHALID SHEIKH

MOHAMMED.

>> ANYBODY WHO'S SEEN "OH DARKTHIRTY," KNOWS THAT THERE ARE

PRETTY GOOD ARGUMENTS THAT THOSEINTERROGATIONS GAVE US A LOT OF

INTELLIGENCE INFORMATION.

>> Stephen: THAT UNDERINFLATEDMACY'S BALLOON IS RIGHT.

(LAUGHTER)ANYONE WHO'S SEEN "OH DARK

THIRTY "-- AS NO ONE CALLS IT --KNOWS THAT TORTURE GAVE US A LOT

OF INTELLIGENCE INFORMATION THATLED DIRECTLY TO BIN LADEN.

THE SAME WAY ANYONE WHO'S SEEN"FORREST GUMP" SNOWS THE VIETNAM

WAR LED DIRECTLY TO BUBBA GUMP'SSHRIMP SHACK MAC AND CHEESE!

(LAUGHTER)LEARN YOUR HISTORY.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)BUT LAST WEEK NEWS LEAKED OF A

SENATE INTELLIGENCE COMMITTEEREPORT THAT IS HIGHLY CRITICAL

OF THE INTERROGATION PROGRAM.

ONE OFFICIAL SUMMARIZED THEREPORT, SAYING -- "THE C.I.A.

DESCRIBED ITS PROGRAM...

AS GETTING UNIQUE, OTHERWISEUNOBTAINABLE INTELLIGENCE THAT

HELPED DISRUPT TERRORIST PLOTSAND SAVE THOUSANDS OF LIVES...

WAS THAT ACTUALLY TRUE?

THE ANSWER IS NO ."

HOW MANY (BLEEP) DO I GIVE?

THE ANSWER IS NONE.

BECAUSE WE "DID" LEARN VALUABLEINFORMATION FROM THIS PROGRAM.

WE LEARNED THAT THE UNITEDSTATES IS WILLING TO TORTURE

PEOPLE.

I DID NOT KNOW THAT!

FORMER C.I.A. DIRECTOR ANDGROWNUP PARANOID CHARLIE BROWN,

MICHAEL HAYDEN DEFENDED THEPROGRAM ON FOX NEWS SUNDAY,

SAYING THAT TORTURE WASN'T JUSTABOUT GETTING THE FACTS.

>> THE REPORT SAYS THATINFORMATION ABOUT BIN LADEN'S

COURIER CAME FROM A DETAINEEWHILE HE WAS BEING QUESTIONED BY

KURDS IN NORTHERN IRAQ LONGBEFORE HE WAS TAKEN TO A CIA

PRISON AND GIVEN ENHANCEDINTERROGATION.

>> CHRIS, I AM AWARE THAT SIMPLYLEARNING A FACT IS NOT THE SAME

THING AS LEARNING THE IMPORTANCEOF THAT FACT.

>> Stephen: EXACTLY, THEC.I.A. MAY HAVE ALREADY KNOWN

THE NAME OF BIN LADEN'S COURIER,BUT THAT INFORMATION DIDN'T

SOUND IMPORTANT UNTIL IT WASBEING SCREAMED THROUGH A WET

RAG.

(LAUGHTER)POINT IS...

WHAT WAS THE POINT?

>> DIRECTOR PANETTA, WHEN ASKEDBY THE CONGRESS TO COMMENT ON

"DID THE INTERROGATION PROGRAMHELP WITH GETTING US TO

ABBOTABAD," SAID VERY CLEARLYTHAT THAT INFORMATION WAS PART

OF THE INFORMATION, PART OF THEINTELLIGENCE STREAM THAT LED TO

THE KILLING OF OSAMA BIN LADENAT ABBOTABAD.

DIRECTOR PANETTA WENT ON TO SAY,AND WE'LL NEVER KNOW WHETHER OR

NOT WE MAY HAVE GOTTEN THATINFORMATION THROUGH ANOTHER WAY,

BUT HE DID NOT DENY THATINFORMATION FROM THIS PROGRAM

HELPED PINPOINT BIN LADEN.

>> Stephen: YES, WE'LL NEVERKNOW WHETHER OR NOT WE MAY HAVE

GOTTEN THAT INFORMATION ANOTHERWAY.

OTHER THAN THE OTHER WAY WE KNOWWE GOT IT.

(LAUGHTER)(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

HUGE FANS OF INFORMATION HERETONIGHT.

(LAUGHTER)BUT WE DO KNOW THAT WE TORTURED

PEOPLE -- AND LATER WE GOTBIN LADEN.

THAT'S NOT ME SAYING IT.

THAT'S SCIENCE.

AND THAT MAD MAN OVER THERE.

OKAY?

BESIDES, IN THIS COMPLEX WORLD,WHO KNOWS WHAT LEADS TO

SOMETHING ELSE HAPPENING.

IT'S JUST LIKE HOW IF ABUTTERFLY FLAPS ITS WINGS IN THE

AMAZON, THAT MIGHT "ALSO" HAVELED TO BIN LADEN.

WE'LL NEVER KNOW UNTIL THEC.I.A. CAPTURES THAT BUTTERFLY

AND PULLS ITS WINGS OFF.

(LAUGHTER)BUT LOOK, I CAN AGREE WITH ME

ALL NIGHT.

THERE'S ONLY ONE SURE WAY TOCONFRONT THIS PAINFUL CHAPTER IN

OUR HISTORY -- NEVER CONFRONTIT.

I HAVE BEEN SAYING THAT WITH MYFRIENDS FOR YEARS.

>> WE NEED TO GET THIS BEHINDUS.

>> THIS IS ANCIENT HISTORY NOW,AND WE ADOPTED THIS PROGRAM AND

WE SHOULD NOW NOT BE GOING AFTEROR DISPARAGING THE PEOPLE THAT

CARRIED IT OUT.

(ELSA SINGING "LET IT GO" FROM"FROZEN")

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> Stephen: WELL SAID, DANA

PERINO.

AT THIS POINT, THE WHOLE TORTUREDEBATE IS JUST WATER UNDER THE

BRIDGE AND UP THE NOSTRIL.

AND I GOTTA POINT SOMETHING OUT.

WHY IS IT THAT I AND THE OTHERPEOPLE WHO SUPPORTED ENHANCED

INTERROGATION ARE THE ONLY ONESWILLING TO GET PAST IT?

THIS HAS GOT TO BE A TWO-WAYSTREET.

SOME PEOPLE THOUGHT IT WASRIGHT, OTHERS THOUGHT IT WAS

WRONG.

LET'S MEET IN THE MIDDLE ANDNEVER DISCUSS IT AGAIN.

THIS IS ABOUT OUR RELATIONSHIPAS A NATION.

AND IN A RELATIONSHIP, WHENSOMEONE DOES SOMETHING

SHAMEFUL -- SAY, CHEAT ON YOURSPOUSE OR CHAIN SOMEONE IN THE

BASEMENT OF A CZECH DISCO FORTHREE YEARS -- DO YOU KEEP

DREDGING IT UP?

NO!

YOU TAKE THE PAIN AND YOU STUFFIT DOWN DEEP, ACT LIKE

EVERYTHING'S FINE AND GET ONWITH YOUR LIVES.

THEN TEN YEARS LATER, A LITTLELEAGUE UMP MAKES A BAD CALL AND

YOU GO AT HIM WITH A PLANK FROMTHE BLEACHERS.

"YOU CALL THAT A STRIKE?!

"ARE YOU (BLEEP) BLIND?!

IT WAS ONE NIGHT ON A WORK TRIPAND IT MEANT NOTHING TO ME!

UNFREEZE YOUR HEART!"(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

POINT IS, WE'RE OVER IT.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK.

THANKS SO MUCH.

NATION, IT'S NO SECRET BARACKOBAMA WANTS TO INDOCTRINATE OUR

STUDENTS WITH HIS SOCIALISTAGENDA.

I'VE EVEN HEARD DISTURBINGRUMORS THAT KINDERGARTENERS ARE

BEING FORCED TO SHARE.

(LAUGHTER)THAT'S WHY I'VE LONG OPPOSED HIS

COMMON CORE CURRICULUM WHICHSETS UNIFORM EDUCATION STANDARDS

ACROSS ALL A 50 STATES.

NO WAY!

DIFFERENT STATES HAVE DIFFERENTVALUES.

I DON'T WANT MY KID ENDING UP INCOLORADO'S DRUG EDUCATION

COURSE, WHICH CLASSIFIES WEED ASA CONDIMENT.

(LAUGHTER)BUT I MAY BE COMING AROUND ON

THE COMMON CORE, BECAUSE ITTURNS OUT COMMON CORE TESTING

PREPARES OUR STUDENTS FOR WHATTHEY'LL FACE AS ADULTS.

POINTLESS STRESS AND CONFUSION.

(LAUGHTER)NEW COMMON CORE STANDARDS

STRAIGHT FROM THE GOVERNMENTBEING ADOPTED IN 45 STATES AND

CONFUSING THE HECK OUT OFPARENTS.

>> CRITICS SAY THESE TESTS AREHURTING, NOT HELPING STUDENTS.

>> THE KIDS ARE ANXIOUS ANDUPTIGHT.

>> IT'S STRESSFUL.

RIDICULOUS.

I WOULDN'T ALLOW MY KIDS TO TAKETHE TEST TODAY.

THEY WERE STRESSING OVER IT ANDTHEY WERE GETTING UPSET.

>> Stephen: OH, COME ON!

TESTS ARE SUPPOSED TO BESTRESSFUL!

THAT'S WHY THEY CALLED IT ABLOOD PRESSURE TEST WHICH I ACED

WITH A 1600.

WHAT ARE ARE THE KIDS SO WORRIEDABOUT?

LOOK AT THIS MATH QUESTION.

FIND JACK'S ERROR, THEN WRITE ALETTER TO JACK TELLING HIM WHAT

HE DID RIGHT AND WHAT HE SHOULDDO TO FIX HIS MISTAKE.

THAT'S A GREAT QUESTION.

TEACHES TWO IMPORTANT WORKPLACESKILLS -- MATH AND PASSIVE

AGGRESSIVE NOTE WRITING.

IT'S GOING TO COME IN HANDY!

(APPLAUSE)FOLKS, WE ALL KNOW IT'S GOING TO

COME IN HANDY WHEN YOU HAVE TOLEAVE POST IT NOTES ABOUT PROPER

YOGURT ETIQUETTE IN THE BREAKROOM FRIDGE.

FOLKS, THAT WORD PROBLEMCOULDN'T BE EASIER TO SOLVE.

ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS CHECK THESEMICIRCLES ON THE TWO-SIDED

ARROW, PUT THE NUMBERS UP IN ITAND, BING, BANG, MATH!

THE SAME THING I DO WHEN I GET ACHECK AT A RESTAURANT.

DRAW A BUNCH OF SHAPES AND TELLTHE WAITRESS TO FIND MY ERROR,

AND I FOR ONE DO NOT SEE WHYKIDS AREN'T NAILING TOTAL GIMMES

LIKE THIS NEXT QUESTION.

MIKE SAW 17 BLUE CARS AND 25GREEN CARS IN THE TOY STORE, HOW

MANY CARS DID HE SEE?

WRITE A NUMBER SENTENCE WITH AGREY BOX FOR THE MISSING NUMBER.

EXPLAIN HOW THE NUMBER SENTENCESHOWS THE PROBLEM.

THAT'S EASY.

AND IF FOR SOME REASON YOU DON'TKNOW WHAT A NUMBER SENTENCE IS,

I'M SURE YOU COULD USE A WORDEQUATION OR A FORMULA PARAGRAPH.

AND THERE'S HARD PROOF THAT THECOMMON CORE IS ALREADY OPENING

OUR CHILDREN'S MINDS TO NEW WAYSOF THINKING.

JUST LOOK AT THIS ACTUAL ANSWERTO THAT QUESTION GIVEN BY A

CALIFORNIA SECOND GRADER.

17 PLUS 25 EQUALS 42.

I GOT THE ANSWER BY TALKING INMY BRAIN AND I AGREED OF THE

ANSWER THAT MAY BRAIN GOT.

(LAUGHTER)IN FACT, THAT IS THE SAME ANSWER

I AGREED OF IN MY BRAIN.

(LAUGHTER)FOLKS, THIS CHILD HAS A BRIGHT

FUTURE.

HE'S ONLY IN SECOND GRADE ANDCAN ALREADY CLEARLY EXPLAIN WHAT

IT FEELS LIKE TO THINK.

NOW WE JUST NEED TO GET HIM TOEXPLAIN WHAT THAT FEELS LIKE TO

WHOEVER WROTE THE COMMON COREQUESTION.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

>> Stephen: MY GUEST TONIGHTIS A RENOWNED SCIENTIST WHO

DISCOVERED THAT CHIMPS USETOOLS.

PLEASE WELCOME DAME JANEGOODALL!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)DR. GOODALL, THANK YOU SO MUCH

FOR BEING HERE.

IT'S SUCH A PLEASURE TO MEETYOU.

I'VE OBVIOUSLY BEEN FASCINATEDWITH YOUR WORK SINCE I WAS JUST

A BOY.

EVERYONE KNOWS YOU AS THECHIMPANZEE EXPERT.

>> THAT'S RIGHT.

>> Stephen: IF I WERE A CHIMPTHAT YOU WERE MEETING FOR THE

FIRST TIME, WOULD THERE BESOMETHING DIFFERENT ABOUT YOUR

BODY LANGUAGE RIGHT NOW IF YOUWERE MEETING ME FOR THE FIRST

TIME?

IF YOU WERE TREATING ME LIKE ACHIMP, WHAT WOULD IT BE?

>> ABSOLUTELY.

>> Stephen: WHAT WOULD BE ITBE?

>> DO YOU WANT TO DEMONSTRATE?

YES, I DO.

RIGHT HERE?

DO I STAND OR -->> YOU STAND.

YOU DO AS I WELL YOU.

OKAY?

(LAUGHTER)YOU'RE THE BIG MALE SO YOU'RE

DOMINANT.

YEP, LIKE THAT.

AND I'M A LITTLE BIT NERVOUS OFYOU.

NOW, YOU MUSTN'T MAKE A SOUND,RIGHT?

NO SOUND FROM YOU.

NO, NOTHING.

I MAKE THE SOUND.

SO I JUST GO -- UH, UH, UH, UH,UH -- BUT YOU ACTUALLY LIKE ME,

SO YOU GO UH, UH, UH, UH, UH --(APPLAUSE)

>> ARE WE GOING STEADY NOW?

WE'RE GOING STEADY.

ALL RIGHT.

EVERYBODY KNOWS YOU WORK INTANZANIA AND YOU WORK WITH FLO,

GIGI, FRODO, MIKE AND HUMPHREY.

NOW YOUR BOOK IS CALLED SEEDS OFHOPE, THE WISDOM AND WONDER FROM

THE WORLD OF PLANTS.

WHY GO FROM CHIMPANZEES TOPLANTS?

DID YOU GET BORED?

>> NO.

>> Stephen: YOU'VE SEEN ONE ONROLLER SKATES YOU'VE SEEN THEM

ALL?

>> WE'RE TRYING TO GET THEM OFFOF ROLLER SKATES.

>> Stephen: IN THIS JOBMARKET, I WOULDN'T ADVISE IT.

>> I HAD TO LEAVE THE FORESTBECAUSE THE FOREST ACROSS AFRICA

ARE DISAPPEARING AS THEY AREAROUND THE WORLD.

CHIMPANZEE NUMBERS ARE DROPPING.

SO I HAD TO START TALKING ABOUTTHE TERRIBLE THINGS WE'RE DOING

TO THE PLANET.

>> Stephen: WHAT ARE WE DOINGTO THE PLANTS?

HOW ARE WE HURTING THEM?

>> EVERY WAY YOU CAN IMAGINE.

WE'RE DESTROYING THEM BY CUTTINGDOWN THE FORESTS WHICH RELEASES

CO2 WHICH ADDS TO CLIMATECHANGE.

WE ARE TAKING OVER MORE AND MOREECOSYSTEMS FOR OUR DEVELOPMENTS,

OUR BUILDINGS, OUR SUPERMARKETS.

WE'RE MINING DEEP IN THE FOREST,WE'RE MAKING ROADS FOR THE

HUNTERS TO COME KILL THEANIMALS.

>> Stephen: BUT WE PRODUCE ALOT OF CO2 NOW.

DON'T THE PLANTS USE THAT FORFOOD?

AREN'T WE HELPING THE PLANTS ASMUCH AS HURTING THEM?

>> NO.

AT ONE TIME WE LIVED IN HARMONY,BUT NOW BALANCE, WE'RE RELEASING

FOSSIL FUELS, CUTTING DOWNFORESTS, ADDING TO GREENHOUSE

GASES.

LOOK AT THE CLIMATE.

WE'VE HAD THE WORST WINTER INEASTERN NORTH AMERICA, THE

WETTEST WINTER IN ENGLAND. IPASSED FIELDS WHERE SWANS WERE

FLOATING. THAT SOUNDS BEAUTIFUL.

IT'S NOT SO BEAUTIFUL IF YOU'REA FARMER.

NOT REALLY.

>> Stephen: HERE'S THE THINGTHAT WORRIES ME ABOUT YOUR NEW

STUDIES IS THE THINGS YOU WEREDOING BEFORE WITH CHIMPANZEES,

YOU WERE SEEING THEM ASINDIVIDUALS AND HAVING EMPATHY

FOR THEM.

AM I GOING TO HAVE EMPATHY FORPLANTS NOW?

BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO FEELGUILTY WHEN I'M, YOU KNOW,

CHOWING DOWN ON AN EAR OF CORNTHIS SUMMER.

>> YOU'LL PROBABLY BE CHEWING ONGENETICALLY MODIFIED CORN

WHICH MIGHT NOT BE GOOD FORYOU IN THE LONG RUN.

SOME OF THESE TREES, WHEN YOUMEET 2,000-YEAR-OLD TREES AND

YOU THINK, MY GOODNESS! WHATHAS IT SEEN? HOW AMAZING!

YOU PUT YOUR HANDS ON THE BARKWITH THE SAP GOING OFF OF IT --

>> Stephen: JANE GOODALL, AREYOU TRYING TO MAKE ME CRY ABOUT

TREES?

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)YOU LEARNED EXTRAORDINARY THINGS

ABOUT CHIMPANZEES, THAT THEY'RETOOL USERS.

IN FACT, LET'S TAKE A LOOK ATTHIS LITTLE CLIP THERE.

>> THE CHIMPANZEE IS MODIFYINGAN OBJECT TO SUIT IT TO A

SPECIFIC PURPOSE, THUS MAKING ATOOL.

LEWIS GOT EXTREMELY EXCITED ANDSAID WE HAVE TO REDEFINE MAN,

TOOLS OR INCLUDE CHIMPANZEESWITH HUMANS.

>> Stephen: LOOKS LIKE THATCHIMP IS LAUGHING AT US.

>> PROBABLY IS.

>> Stephen: ARE YOU ONE OFTHOSE PEOPLE -- AND WHAT WORRIES

ME ABOUT THAT CLIP, ARE YOU ONEOF THOSE PEOPLE WHO BELIEVES IN

THIS EVOLUTION GAME?

(LAUGHTER)ALL YOUR YEARS OF LIVING WITH

CHIMPS, DID YOU SEE ONE OF THEMEVOLVE INTO A MAN?

FALL OUT OF A TREE, HAIR COMESOFF, PUTS ON A TIE, HE'S A MAN?

JUST ONE, AND I'M ON BOARD.

>> NO.

>> Stephen: EVER HAPPEN?

I'M AFRAID YOU WILL NEVER BEABLE TO JOIN ME ON THIS BAND

WAGON.

>> Stephen: OH, WELL, THAT'STOO BAD.

>> THAT'S TOO BAD.

>> Stephen: BECAUSE WE'REGOING STEADY.

>> WELL, YOU JUST BLEW IT.

(CHEERING)>> Stephen: JANE GOODALL,

"SEEDS OF HOPE."WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> Stephen: THAT'S IT FOR THE

REPORT EVERYBODY, GOOD NIGHT!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)