March 24, 2015 - Ted Cruz's Presidential Run

  • 03/24/2015

Lewis Black, Kristen Soltis Anderson, Amy Holmes and Kal Penn talk about Texas Senator Ted Cruz's announcement that he plans to run for president in 2016.

>> Larry: TONIGHTLY, WE ASKTHE QUESTION CAN A FOREIGN-BORN

HALF-WHITE MAN BE OUR NEXTPRESIDENT?

THE ANSWER ACCORDING TO ONEWOMAN, HELL NO!

( LAUGHTER )TED CRUZ WENT TO HARVARD, JUST

LIKE UNABOMBER TED KACZYNSKI.

HEY, HARVARD, STOP ADMITTINGDUDES NAMED TED.

SO JUMP IN YOUR ARGUING BOOTHSAND

THROW IT INTO CRUZ CONTROL,THIS IS "THE NIGHTLY SHOW."

( APPLAUSE )♪ ♪

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )>> Larry: YEAH.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

WHAT A GREAT CROWD.

WELCOME TO "THE NIGHTLY SHOW."

I'M LARRY WILMORE.

OH, MAN, BIG STORY TONIGHT.

I CAN BARELY CONTAIN MYSELF.

THIS IS TRUE, YOU GUYS.

I GOT MY FIRST GIFT AS A LATENIGHT HOST.

>> THE 2016 PRESIDENTIAL SEASONIS NOW UNDER WAY.

FRESHMAN SENATOR TED CRUZ, TEXASTEA PARTY STAR AND POLITICAL

THORN IN THE SIDE OF HIS OWNREPUBLICAN COLLEAGUES, IS FIRST

IN.

>> Larry: THANK YOU, THANKYOU, THANK YOU THANK YOU.

YOU GUYS DON'T UNDERSTAND HOWWONDERFUL THIS IS.

THIS IS A GIFT FROM THE COMEDYGODS.

I MEAN, CRUZ IS A GUY THAT EVENFELLOW REPUBLICAN JOHN McCAIN

CALLED A WACKO BIRD.

( LAUGHTER )THANKS FOR YOUR SERVICE, SENATOR

McCAIN.

( LAUGHTER )BUT ANY TIME A CRAZY GUY ENTERS

AN ELECTION, YOU HAVE A LATENIGHT SHOW JOB SECURITY FOR A

LITTLE WHILE LONGER.

( LAUGHTER )RENT GONNA GET PAID.

LIGHT'S GONNA GET TURNED BACKON.

SOME MONEY.

SOME MONEY.

THAT'S WHY WE'RE-- OH, BY THEWAY, THAT'S WHY WE ARE SO

EXCITED TO ANNOUNCE THE START OFOUR 2016 ELECTION COVERAGE.

( LAUGHTER )>> Larry: THAT'S RIGHT.

YOU GOT IT.

( APPLAUSE )THAT'S RIGHT.

( CHEERS )"BACKLASH 2016: THE

UNBLACKENING" BEGINS TONIGHT.

IT IS TIME FOR AMERICA TO SAY( BLEEP ) YOU TO THE NOTION THAT

ONCE YOU GO BLACK YOU NEVER GOBACK.

( LAUGHTER )SO HOW DID MR. CRUZ ANNOUNCE HIS

MISSION IMPOSSIBLE RUN FORPRESIDENT?

>> RIGHT AROUND MIDNIGHT,CONSERVATIVE FIRE BRAND TED CRUZ

TWEETED OUT THIS ANNOUNCEMENT.

"I'M RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT."

>> Larry: I'M SORRY, DID SHESAY TWEETED AND AROUND MIDNIGHT?

IS TED CRUZ TRYING TO WINHASHTAG WARS?

( LAUGHTER )PRESIDENTIAL ANNOUNCEMENTDON'T

HAPPEN AT MIDNIGHT.

BOOTY CALLS HAPPEN AT MIDNIGHT,ALL RIGHT.

AND OTHER THAN THE BACKSEAT OFYOUR HUNDAI ELANTRA, THERE'S NO

BETTER PLACE TO HOOK UP THAN ATA COLLEGE.

>> WE'RE HERE AT LIBERTYUNIVERSITY BECAUSE THERE'S A

BUILT-IN AUDIENCE FOR EXACTLYWHO SENATOR CRUZ WANTS TO REACH.

IT IS 10,000 YOUNG EVANGELICALCHRISTIANS.

>> Larry: OH, AND BY THE WAY,THERE'S NO BETTER PLACE TO START

THE UNBLACKENING OF THEPRESIDENCY THAN AT A UNIVERSITY

IN LYNCHBURG, VIRGINIA.

( LAUGHTER )NO, BUT I'VE GOT TO GIVE CRUZ

CREDIT.

10,000 KIDS.

SERIOUSLY.

BIG NUMBERS THERE.

HE HAS OBVIOUSLY TAPPED INTO THEYOUTH CULTURE.

>> A LOT OF PEOPLE DON'T KNOWWE'RE REQUIRED TO GO TO

THESE CONVOCATION SERVICES ORELSE WE ARE FINED $10.

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE ).

>> Larry: THAT'S LIKE SETTINGUP YOUR OWN SURPRISE PARTY,

RIGHT.

YOU GUYS!

I'M SO SURPRISED!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

WHERE'S DOUG?

ALL RIGHT, SOMEBODY'S GETTINGFINED $10.

ALL RIGHT, SO LET'S HEAR WHATCAPTAIN FAKE CROWD HAD TO SAY.

>> A PRESIDENT WHO STANDSUNAPOLOGETICALLY WITH THE NATION

OF ISRAEL.

SECURES THE BORDERS.

REPEALS OBAMACARE.

LIBERTY.

SMALL BUSINESSS.

ABOLISHING THE I.R.S.

>> Larry: YEAH.

WHO NEEDS THE I.R.S.

BLOW THAT THING UP.

>> WHOOO!

>> Larry: WHOO-HOO.

YEAH, BABY, GOOD-BYE TAXES.

YEAH, WHAT ELSE WE DOING?

>> IMAGINE A SIMPLE FLAT TAX.

( APPLAUSE )THAT LETS EVERY AMERICAN FILL

OUT HIS OR HER TAXES ON APOSTCARD.

>> Larry: AND TO WHOM WOULD IBE SENDING THAT TAX POSTCARD?

IS THERE A PARTICULAR SERVICEYOU'RE GOING TO SET UP TO HANDLE

THIS COUNTRY'S INTERNALREVENUES?

( LAUGHTER )GOOD THING THERE'S A

10-SECOND RULE ON BUILDINGBLOWS.

THERE WE GO.

EVERYTHING'S THE SAME.

WHAT ELSE DID COLONEL NOT THINKIT THROUGH HAVE TO SAY?

>> IT IS TIME TO RECLAIM THECONSTITUTION

OF THE UNITED STATES

>> Larry: RECLAIMTHE CONSTITUTION?

HE THINKS JUST BECAUSE OBAMAIS A BROTHER HE STOLE THE

CONSTITUTION FROM THE WHITEHOUSE?

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

HE'S NOT THE BLACK NICHOLASCAGE.

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

IT'S NOT FAIR.

IT'S NOT FAIR.

ALL RIGHT, OKAY.

ENOUGH OF CRUZ.

YOU KNOW, THE PEOPLE WHO REALLYINTEREST ME ARE THE STUDENTS IN

THE CROWD AT LIBERTY UNIVERSITY.

LET'S SEE IF WE CAN FIND THEMINORITIES AND SEE HOW THEY'RE

REACTING TO THE SPEECH.

LET ME GET OUT MY TRUSTY NIGHTLYSHOW MINORITY FINDER.

I HAVE TO BE CAREFUL WITHTHIS TECHNOLOGY.

OBVIOUSLY, YOU DON'T WANTSOMETHING CALLED THE MINORITY

FINDER TO WIND UP IN THE WRONGHANDS.

IT'S BUILT FOR OCCASIONS LIKETHIS.

IT'S PERFECT.

LET'S JUST SEE.

PULL THIS OUT.

PULL UP THE SPEECH AGAIN, PULLUP THE-- OH, OKAY.

OH, THERE'S-- THEY LOOK PRETTYBORED.

LET'S SEE, THOSE GIRLS -- THOSEGIRLS THERE AREN'T INTO IT.

HERE'S ONE.

IS IT-- IS THAT GUY READING ABOOK?

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

ENHANCE THAT, MINORITY FINDER.

ENHANCE IT.

ENHANCE IT.

GOOD.

GOOD.

HOW ABOUT THESE PEOPLE?

ARE THEY TEXTING EACHOTHER?OKAY, YOU CAN INTERPRET THE

COMMUNIQUES.

THIS IS GOOD. "NEW KENDRICK ISFIRE." "I DIDN'T LISTEN TO IT

BECAUSE I GO TO LIBERTYUNIVERSITY."

"OH, RIGHT, ME, TOO, I FORGOT."

OKAY.

OKAY.

OH, AND CHECK OUT THESE BLACKPEOPLE WHO MIDSPEECH ARE JUST

STRAIGHT UP LEAVING.

( LAUGHTER )YEAH, YEAH, WE GOT IT.

NOW LET'S GET OUT OF HERE ANDWATCH THE SEASON FINALE OF

"EMPIRE."

LET'S GO.

BUT THE BIGGEST TAKEAWAY OF THESPEECH WAS CRUZ' CODED LANGUAGE

ABOUT HOW HE SEES THE FUTURE OFTHE COUNTRY.

>> I WANT TO TALK TO YOU THISMORNING ABOUT REIGNITING THE

PROMISE OF AMERICA.

AS WE COME TOGETHER TO RECLAIMTHE PROMISE OF AMERICA, WE WILL

GET BACK AND RESTORE THATSHINING CITY ON A HILL THAT IS

THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.

>> Larry: I GET IT.

I GET IT.

IN ORDER TO GO FORWARD, YOU HAVETO GO BACK, RIGHT?

RECLAIM, RESTORE, REIGNITE.

SO WHAT YOU'RE REALLY SAYING ISSOMEBODY STOLE YOUR COUNTRY.

BLACK GUY DID IT, RIGHT?

BLACKLASH AT ITS FINEST. LOOKTED CRUZ, IF YOU WANT TO SLAM

OBAMA, YOU'RE BETTER OFFBEING DIRECT. THROW SOME JOKES

IN THERE. YOU CAN USE THE YOMAMA TEMPLATE.

CALL IT YOBAMA.

HERE TO SHOW YOU HOW IT'S BEENARE RICKY VELEZ AND MIKE YARD.

>> YOBAMA SO WHITE HE MAKESPUTIN LOOK LIKE A BLACK RUSSIAN.

OKAY, OKAY.

YOBAMA SUCH A MUSLIM HE MAKESISIS LOOK LIKE THE BOOK OF

MORMON.

>> YEAH, WELL, YOBAMA SO OLD,EVEN HIS HAIR IS HALF-WHITE.

>> OH, NO, HE DIDN'T!

OK, OK, YOBAMACARE SO BAD, IFIT PLAYED FOR THE KNICKS, IT

WOULD GET TRADED TO THE JETS.

BAM!

YOBAMA IS SO DUMB HE THOUGHT ADRONE STRIKE WAS WHAT YOU GET

WHEN A MISSILE PLAYS BASEBALL.

YOBAMA HATES JEWS SO MUCH, EVENMEL GIBSON IS LIKE "SLOW YOUR

ROLL, OBAMA!"

>> WELL, YOBAMA SO DUMB, HETHINK EUTHENASIA IS AN

AFTERSCHOOL PROGRAM FOR CHINESEKIDS.

OK, YOU'RE PLAYING DIRTY.

WELL YOBAMA IS SO KENYAN, THEOTHER WHITEHOUSE PET WAS A GNU.

>> IT'S PRONOUNCED "NEW."

THE "G" IS SILENT.

WHY THEY GOT THE "G" ON IT THEN?

>> I DON'T KNOW MAN

MIKE YARD AND RICKY VELEZ, WE'LLBE RIGHT BACK!

>> Wilson: WELCOME BACK.

WE'RE TALKING ABOUT THE 2016RACE FOR THE WHITE HOUSE AND TED

CRUZ ANNOUNCING HIS RUN FORPRESIDENT.

JOINING US ON THE PANEL TONIGHT:YOU CAN SEE HIM AT THE SHUBERT

THEATER IN BOSTON APRIL 1011, COMEDIAN LEWIS BLACK.

REPUBLICAN POLLSTER ANDCO-FOUNDER OF ECHELON

INSIGHTS, KRISTEN SOLTISANDERSON.

AND ANCHOR ON THE BLAZE TV,SHE'S COMING BACK, AMY HOLMES.

AND HIS NEW SERIES "THE BIGPICTURE" PREMIERS ON NATGEO TV

MARCH 30.

HE ALSO WORKED IN THE OFFICE OFTHE PUBLIC LIASON IN THE OBAMA

WHITE HOUSE, KAL PENN.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )>> Larry: ALL RIGHT.

I WANT TO BE AS FAIR AS POSSIBLEFOR THIS FIRST QUESTION, SO I'M

GOING TO START WITH YOU, LEWIS.

( LAUGHTER )OKAY, SO, IS TED CRUZ, IN YOUR

MIND, IS HE A SERIOUS, VIABLECANDIDATE OR IS HE, AS JOHN

McCAIN CALLS HIM, A WHACKOBIRD?

>> HE IS SOMEONE THAT WHEN I WASIN ENGLISH CLASS, I WISHED THERE

WAS A BOOK, AND IN THAT BOOK, HEWAS A FICTIONAL SENATOR.

THAT'S THE WAY HE WORKS FOR ME.

I TOOK L.S.D. IN MY YOUTH, ANDIT DIDN'T PREPARE ME FOR HIM.

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

THIS IS SOMEONE-- THIS ISSOMEONE-- WE'VE LIVED THROUGH

THIS BEFORE.

THIS IS-- THIS IS 1956.

IF HE APPEARS.

>> NOT ALL OF US HAVE LIVEDTHROUGH THAT.

( LAUGHTER ).

>> IT'S TRUE.

>> Larry: RIGHT.

>> THAT'S TRUE.

BUT IT REALLY-- IF HE HADAPPEARED AT LIBERTY UNIVERSITY,

AND IT WAS SHOT IN BLACK ANDWHITE, THEN I'D GO, "I GET IT."

THIS IS SOMEONE WHO SHOULD HAVENEVER MADE IT TO COLOR

TELEVISION.

>> Larry: WHY ARE THEY SHOWINGTHAT CLIP OF THAT OLD

ANNOUNCEMENT?

IT'S FUNNY, BECAUSE KRISTEN, TEDCRUZ HAS BEEN CALLED THE MOST

HATED MAN IN THE SENATE.

PETER KING CALLED HIM A CARNIVALBARKER.

REPUBLICANS ARE PILING UP,WHICH, BY THE WAY, I THINK THAT

IS OFFENSIVE TO CARNIVALBARKERS.

WHY IS EVERYONE-- WHY DON'TREPUBLICANS LIKE HIM?

>> SO, TED CRUZ HAS A PENCHANTFOR LEADING REPUBLICANS INTO

BATTLES THEY CAN'T WIN, AND THENWHEN THEY ULTIMATELY SURRENDER

AND WALK AWAY FROM THE BATTLE,HE SAYS, "IF ONLY YOU'D STAYED

IN THE BATTLE LONG ENOUGH, YOUWOULD HAVE WON."

THE MIX OF THAT AND PEOPLE WHOEVEN AGREE WITH HIM DON'T LOVE

HIS STYLE.

SO, YOU KNOW, IF-- THERE IS APOLL OF REPUBLICAN VOTERS AND

ONLY ABOUT 23% OF THEM SAID THEYWOULD CONSIDER VOTING FOR TED

CRUZ FOR PRESIDENT.

THE REST EITHER SAID THEYWOULDN'T OR HADN'T HEARD OF HIM

YET.

SO IT WILL BE INTERESTING TO SEEHOW HE PLAYS WITH THAT 56% THAT

HASN'T HEARD OF HIM YET REALLY.

>> Larry: HE'S THROWING ALLTHE REPUBLICANS UNDER THE BUS,

AND HE'S RUNNING AS AREPUBLICAN.

>> HE WANTS TO BE THE REPUBLICANNOMINEE FOR PRESIDENT.

AND FRANKLY, THIS TIME AROUND,EVEN THOUGH A LOT OF

REPUBLICANS AREN'T CRAZY ABOUTHIM, DON'T UNDERESTIMATE HIM.

IN THIS FIELD, THERE ARE GOINGTO BE ABOUT 12 PEOPLE RUNNING

FOR PRESIDENT.

LAST TIME AROUND IN IOWA, YOUONLY NEEDED TO WIN A QUARTER OF

VOTERS TO WIN THE IOWA CAUCUSES.

IF TED CRUZ IS LOATHED BY THREEOUT OF FOUR REPUBLICANS BUT A

QUARTER REALLY LOVE HIM, HECOULD STILL PULL OFF A DECENT

RUN.

>> IF HE BEATS 11 OF THEM.

( LAUGHTER )>> CAN I SAY AS A JEW, FOR HIM

TO SPEAK AT LIBERTY UNIVERSITYIN FRONT OF THOSE STUDENTS, THE

BORN AGAIN EVANGELICALS, THEYKIND OF BELIEVE THAT IF I DON'T

ACCEPT CHRIST INTO MY LIFE, I'MGOING TO HELL.

SO IT'S NOT REALLY A PLACE FORME TO, LIKE, JUMP IN AND GO,

"OH, BOY.

WHAT A GREAT CANDIDATE."

I CUT OUT 90% OF WHAT HE SAID.

HE BELIEVES I'M GOING TO HELL,SO WHAT ARE WE TALKING ABOUT?

>> I DON'T THINK THOSE STUDENTSWOULD SAY THAT.

>> YES, THEY DO.

>> NO, NO.

>> YES, THEY DO, PLEASE!

>> MANY OF THOSE STUDENTS WOULDSAY THAT IS NOT FOR THEM TO

DECIDE, THAT THEY HAVE ACCEPTEDJESUS INTO THEIR HEARTS.

ARE YOU SAYING SOMEONE WHO IS ANOPEN CHRISTIAN, WEARS THEIR

RELIGION ON THEIR SLEEVESHOULDN'T BE PRESIDENT OF THE

UNITED STATES?

THAT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE.

>> THAT ISN'T WHAT I SAID.

>> Larry: THAT'S NOT WHAT ISAID.

>> THAT ISN'T WHAT I SAID.

YOU TOOK THE JOKE AND DROVE DOWNA BAD HIGHWAY

( LAUGHTER )>> Larry: GO AHEAD, KAL.

>> YOU'RE GOING TO HELL FOROTHER REASONS

>> WHEN I SEE SCOTT WALKER INENGLAND AND HE CAN'T ANSWER A

QUESTION ABOUT EVOLUTION, WHATIS THE PROBLEM THERE?

I MEAN, WHY DO YOU HAVE TO SUCKUP TO PEOPLE WHO DON'T BELIEVE

IN THE ACTUAL SCIENCE OF HOW THEEARTH CAME TO BE, IN ORDER TO BE

PRESIDENT?

I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY THOSE-->> A HUGE PERCENTAGE OF

AMERICANS BELIEVE INCREATIONISM, AND CREATIONISM AS

HOW HUMAN BEINGS CAME INTO THISWORLD.

>> YOU WANT TO SUCK UP TO THOSEPEOPLE TO RUN FOR PRESIDENT WHO

BELIEVE EARTH IS 6000 YEARS OLD>> I THINK WE NEED TO HAVE A

LITTLE BIT MORE RESPECT AT THISTABLE AND IN POLITICS FOR PEOPLE

WHO ARE EVANGELICAL, WHO BELIEVEIN CREATIONISM, AND BELIEVE IN A

BIBLICALLY BASED LIFE.

>> Larry: NO, NO, I THINKWE'RE TALKING ABOUT SOMEONE--

SOMEONE WHO IS MAKING THE MOSTIMPORTANT DECISION IN THE WORLD

SHOULD NOT BELIEVE THE EARTH IS6,000 YEARS OLD.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )I'M SORRY.

I DON'T HAVE RESPECT FOR THAT.

I DO NOT.

>> THE REASON I DO THINK IT'SIMPORTANT TO ENGAGE THIS

COMMUNITY IS YOUNG EVANGELICALCHRISTIAN CONSERVATIVES

GENERALLY AGREE WITH SOMEONELIKE PRESIDENT OBAMA ON CLIMATE

CHANGE.

AND THEIR VIEW IS NOT IN THESCIENCE --

>> EVANGELICAL?

>> YES, THE VIEW IS NOTNECESSARILY IN THE SCIENCE, THAT

WE WERE PUT ON GOD'S GREEN EARTHTO TAKE CARE OF IT SO WE WILL

PARTNER WITH ANY PERSON WHO WILLHELP TAKE CARE OF THIS, PASS

ENVIRONMENTAL REGULATIONS.

I THINK IT'S A PROBLEM TODISENGAGE FROM EVANGELICAL

VOTERS.>> YOU DON'T HAVE TO SUCK UP ON

STUFF THAT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE. ITHINK YOU CAN BELIEVE IN GOD AND

NOT TURN YOUR BRAIN OFF.

>> IF YOU NEED 60 VOTES -->> I BELIEVE IN GOD...

( LAUGHTER )>> THERE'S ANOTHER ISSUE WHERE

YOUNG EVANGELICALS, I THINK, ANDEVANGELICAL COMMUNITIES HAVE

BEEN MORE ON THE SIDE OFPRESIDENT OBAMA, AND THAT'S ON

SOMETHING LIKE IMMIGRATIONREFORM.

YOU HAVE A LOT OF, YOU KNOW, MAJOR RELIGIOUS LEADERS LEADERS

WHO HAVE COME OUT AND SAID WENEED TO DO SOMETHING

COMPASSIONATE ABOUT THE FOLKSWHO ARE HERE.

I AGREE WITH YOU, IT'S A LOTMORE COMPLICATED THAN JUST YOUNG

EVANGELICALS AND SOCIAL ISSUESTHERE ARE OTHER ISSUES AT PLAY

THAT SHAPE THEIR VIEWS, THAT AREINFORMED BY THEIR FAITH?

>> I THINK PART OF THE PROBLEMHE'S GOING TO HAVE-- IT'S NOT A

LACK OF RESPECT FOR RELIGION--WHICH I HAVE.

THE JOKE IS NOT A LACK OFRESPECT.

IT'S THAT THERE'S A THING CALLEDTHE SEPARATION OF CHURCH AND

STATE, AND WHEN WE START WALKINGAROUND AND PLAYING WITH THAT,

THE LANGUAGE AND THE PLACE YOUCHOOSE TO-- YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE

YOUR CANDIDACY, YOU BETTERREMEMBER THERE'S THE SEPARATION

OF CHURCH AND STATE.

IT'S SIMPLY WRITTEN.

IT'S A REALLY GOOD PIECE OFWRITING.

AND FOR PEOPLE WHO HAVE TROUBLEWITH IT, I CALL IT THE ( BLEEP )

RULE.

>> Larry: ALL RIGHT, WE'LL BERIGHT BACK.

WE'RE GOING TO TALK ABOUT THATRULE.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )I NEVER HEARD OF THAT RULE.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

>> Larry: OKAY.

WELCOME BACK.

WE'RE GOING TO PLAY A GAMECALLED "TED, CRUISE, OR TED

CRUZ."

I'LL READ A QUOTE, AND YOU TELLME WHO SAID IT, TED, THE BEAR

FROM THE MOVIE, OR CRUISE,MEANING TOM OR PENELOPE, OR TED

CRUZ, CURRENT GOP SUPERSTAR

YOU HAVE THEM IN FRONT OF YOU.

AMY, I'LL START WITH YOU.

LIFE AIN'T NOTHING BUT BITCHESAND HONEY.

WHO SAID THAT, WHICH TED?

>> I'M GOING TO GO WITH THE BEARTED.

>> Larry: TED THE BEAR, VERYGOOD.

THAT WAS EASY.

THAT WAS A GOOD ONE.

LOU, WHO SAID-- I'VE GOT THEECONOMY, YOU'VE GOT THE CREDIT

BUBBLE, THE SUPREME COURT.

LOOK AT HAITI.

>> Larry:>> THAT'S GOT TO BE HIM, DOESN'T

IT?

>> Larry: TED THE BEAR, LOU.

>> REALLY.

>> Larry: TED THE BEAR SAIDTHAT.

>> THEN I'M GOING TO VOTE FORTED THE BEAR.

>> Larry: WHO SAID THE WORLDIS ON FIRE, YES, YOUR WORLD IS

ON FIRE.

>> I'M GOING TO GO FOR THIS ONE.

>> Larry: TOM CRUISE?

>> TED CRUZ SAID THAT.

>> Larry: WHEN YOU HEAR THAT( BLEEP ) ISOLATED-- ALL RIGHT,

WHO SAID, "I'VE GOT EXPLOSIVEDIARRHEA AND I'M TRAPPED IN THE

MIDDLE OF THE OCEAN."

WAIT, WAIT, THAT WAS CARNIVALCRUISE.

I'M SORRY.

MY BAD.

THAT'S MY BAD.

I APPROXIMATED.

MY BAD, MY BAD.

I SCREWED UP.

OKAY, WHO SAID I'M A CHEAP DATE.

WHAT I CAN SAY?

>> LET ME GO WITH THE BEAR.

>> Larry: TOM CRUISE.

>> TOM CRUISE?

>> REALLY?

>> REALLY.

>> Larry: WHO SAID COLUMBUSDAY IS A PRETTY LAME HOLIDAY.

I MEAN, SOMEONE WAS EVENTUALLYGOING TO FIND AMERICA.

THINK ABOUT IT.

>> OH, MY GOODNESS.

>> Larry: WHICH CRUISE?

>> THE BEAR AGAIN?

>> Larry: VERY GOOD.

TED THE BEAR.

( APPLAUSE )OKAY.

ALL RIGHT, LOU, THIS IS A TOUGHONE.

"I HAD A VERY CURLY PERM IN THE80s.

THANKS TO THE WAY YOU MAKE MEFEEL MICHAEL JACKSON VIDEO.

I LIKE THE GIRL IN IT."

THAT'S A TOUGH ONE.

>> WHO COULD THAT BE?

>> Larry: THINK THIS ONE OVER,LOU.

>> IT'S GOT TO BE-- IS IT-- ISIT TOM CRUISE?

CRUISE.

>> Larry: IT'S PENELOPE.

>> I DIDN'T KNOW SHE LIKED THEGIRL IN IT.

THAT UPSETS ME WOW.

WHO KNEW.

>> Larry: WHO SAID YOU CAN'TTRUST SOMEBODY WHO THINKS YOU'RE

CRAZY?

THINK ABOUT THAT ONE.

>> TOM CRUISE.

>> NO PENELOPE.

THAT WAS RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU.

I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU MISSEDTHAT ONE.

DAMN KIDS PEEING IN THE POOL.

OH, ONCE AGAIN, I'MSORRY.

I DID IT AGAIN.

I DID IT AGAIN.

MY BAD.

ONCE AGAIN.

OKAY, ON 9/11, I DIDN'T LIKE HOWROCK MUSIC RESPONDED.

>> SADLY, I READ THIS TODAY.

>> Larry: YUP, TED CRUZ.

>> I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THATMEANS.

>> Larry: "WE ARE THEAUTHORITIES ON IMPROVING

CONDITIONS."

>> TOM CRUISE.

>> Larry: TOM CRUISE, THERE ITIS.

>> YES.

>> Larry: THAT'S OUR LITTLECRUISE QUIZ.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )YOU GUYS DID A GOOD JOB.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )>> Larry: THAT'S ALL THE TIME WE

HAVE FOR TONIGHT.

I WANT TO THANK OUR PANELISTS:KAL PENN, AMY HOLMES, KRISTEN

SOLTIS ANDERSON AND LEWIS BLACK.

FINALLY TONIGHT, IT'S TIME TOCHECK IN ON LARRY WILMORE'S

MARCH BADNESS BRACKETSBALLDARE-O-MANIA TOURNAMENT

HERE'S A QUICK LOOK AT THE DARES

I STILL MAY HAVE TO DO:IF THE DUKE BLUE DEVILS WIN THE

NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP -- ANDREMEMBER, THEY'RE A NUMBER ONE

SEED -- I WILL HOST THIS SHOW INSPANDEX.

THAT LOOKS PRETTY GOOD.

ACTUALLY, NO, THAT LOOKSHORRIBLE.

MAYBE WE START THAT SHOW WITHSOME LIGHT YOGA?

WE'LL HAVE TO SEE.

NEXT UP, THE TOP-SEEDEDWISCONSIN BADGERS COULD SEND

THIS SHOW BACK TO THE MIDDLEAGES THANKS TO A DARE THAT CAME

IN ON TWITTER FROM@ATGARRETTFORREAL.

IF WISCONSIN WINS, I WILL HAVETO WEAR A FULL SUIT

OF ARMOR AND HOST "THE KNIGHTLYSHOW."

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

WHERE DO THEY GET THESE IDEAS?

CAN YOU IMAGINE?

THAT'S TERRIBLE.

FINALLY, FINALLY, I'M STILLWORRIED ABOUT KENTUCKY BECAUSE

IF THE WILDCATS WIN, I HAVE TOBE BABY-BIRDED,

WHICH MEANS ANOTHER PERSON WILLCHEW UP FOOD AND SPIT IT INTO MY

MOUTH.

WEST VIRGINIA, I NEED YOU GUYSTO WIG WIN-- TO WIN BIG ON

THURSDAY.

LET ME KNOW WHICH DARE YOU HOPEI'LL HAVE TO DO.

BE NICE, GUYS.

FOLLOW US ON TWITTER AND USE THEHASHTAG "DARE LARRY."

GOODNIGHTLY, EVERYONE.

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