Baldo, Viracola, Regan, Norton

  • Season 5, Ep 508
  • 11/16/2001

Craig Baldo thinks Creed is wimpy, Charlie Viracola establishes a new planet, "MTV Cribs" stops by Chris Regan's place, and Jim Norton shares his disgusting sense of humor.

NEW YORK CITY.

I WANT TO TAKE TIME RIGHT NOW--

I WANT TO SAY HELLO TO MY

PERTO RICAN COMMUNITY.

IS PERTO RICO IN THE HOUSE?

HOLA, COMO ESTA, AMIGOS.

MI JETAS.

DE PERTO RICO.

I KNOW THAT MY PERTO RICAN

PEOPLES HAVE HAD A LITTLE

PROBLEM UP IN HERE A COUPLE OF

YEARS AGO DURING THAT LITTLE

PARADE.

RIGHT NOW I THINK IT'S TIME

FOR US TO ADDRESS THE ON-GOING

PROBLEM.

PEOPLE OF COLOR, WE REALLY NEED

TO STOP VIDEO TAPING OUR CRIME

SCENES.

(LAUGHTER)

WHAT IS GOING ON?

WHO STARTED THIS TREND?

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

SO, THEY GOT A LOT OF GUYS

FROM FILM SCHOOL THAT KIND OF

GOT THEIR START DOING THAT,

YOU KNOW.

TAPING US DOING OUR CRIMES

AND...

ACTION, DIONDRE.

CUT.

HOLD ON.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

OKAY.

ARE YOU ROBBING?

OKAY, WELL, SHOW ME THE GUN.

KEEP YOUR HANDS HIGH.

LET'S TRY IT AGAIN.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

(LAUGHTER)

I'M SINGLE.

I HAD A THREE YEAR RELATIONSHIP

END.

YOU EVER HAVE SOMEBODY

JUST FREAK OUT ON YOU IN A

RELATIONSHIP?

THING ARE GOING GREAT AFTER

THREE YEARS.

SHE WANTS TO RUN OUT AND FIND

A GUY WHO DOESN'T HIT HER.

(LAUGHTER)

SEE?

IT'S NEW YORK.

YOU CAN DO THAT JOKE.

IF I DID THAT IN LOS ANGELES,

THEY ALL WOULD HAVE WALKED OUT

ON ME.

"DOMESTIC VIOLENCE IS NOT FUNNY.

MY FRIEND WAS IN A BAD

RELATIONSHIP.

HER BOYFRIEND HIT HER."

UGH!

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

AND I HATE PEOPLE THAT GET

OFFENDED AT HUMOR.

AND EVERYBODY WORKS WITH

SOMEBODY LIKE THAT OR GOES

TO SCHOOL.

YOU KNOW THAT ONE PERSON--

THEY ALWAYS TRY TO GET

ATTENTION--

"I'M TAKING A STAND."

AND YOU JUST...

YOU KNOW THAT AGGRAVATING

PERSON...

ALWAYS WEARING GLASSES TWO SIZES

TOO SMALL FOR THEIR STUPID

FACES.

'CAUSE THEY THINK THEY LOOK

BRILLIANT.

NO MATTER WHAT YOU'RE TALKING

ABOUT THERE'S A PROBLEM.

"CATS AND DOGS."

"OH, MY GOD.

MY FRIEND WAS ATTACKED BY A

PIT BULL.

COULD YOU NOT GO THERE?

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

(CHEERS AND WHISTLES)

AND YOU KNOW WHAT WE TAKE

FOR GRANTED HERE?

THAT FACT THAT IN NEW YORK,

YOU COULD PRETTY MUCH DO

WHATEVER YOU WANT WHENEVER

YOU WANT IT.

YOU HAVE 24 HOUR ACCESSIBILITY

WHICH LIKE.

3 O'CLOCK IN THE MORNING

YOU CAN RUN OUT TO GET TRUCK

TIRES, FALAFEL AND A BAG OF

HEROIN.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

IN THE SAME STORE.

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

I WAS IN ASPEN COLORADO

WHERE YOU DO NOT HAVE THAT

ACCESSIBILITY.

AND IT'S AGGRAVATING.

BECAUSE THEY CLOSE--

THE ENTIRE CITY CLOSES AT

10 O'CLOCK 'CAUSE IT'S A

SKI TOWN.

THEY'RE ALL YUPPIE DOUCH BAGS.

THEY WANT TO GET UP EARLY,

GET ON THE SLOPES.

UGH!

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

(CHEERS AND WHISTLES)

FOR THE RECORD, I HATE SKIING.

AND IF YOU'RE KILLED DOING IT,

GOOD!

IT STINKS.

BUT IT CLOSES AT 10 O'CLOCK.

SO I'M THERE AND IT WAS AFTER

MIDNIGHT AND I WAS STARVING.

THERE'S NOTHING OPEN.

I'M LIKE "ALL RIGHT.

I'LL CALL AN ESCORT SERVICE."

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

AND I'LL ALL TELL YOU,

NEW YORK IS EXPENSIVE,

ASPEN IS DISGUSTING.

I'M ON THE PHONE WITH THE

SERVICE--

I'M LIKE "WELL, HOW MUCH IS IT

TO SEE SOMEBODY?"

AND THE WOMAN'S LIKE

"AH, $3,000.

I'M LIKE "YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?"

AND SHE'S LIKE "WELL, SHE'S

REALLY PRETTY."

"AH."

(LAUGHTER)

"DO I GET TO CUT HER HEAD OFF

AND KEEP IT WHEN I'M FINISHED?"

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

I WILL SAY, THE ONE THING

I DON'T MISS WHEN I LEAVE

HERE...

CAB DRIVERS.

THE PEOPLE WHO DON'T LIVE HERE

DON'T UNDERSTAND THE HATRED

WE HAVE FOR THESE PEOPLE.

AND I DON'T MIND--

YEAH, THEY'RE AWFUL.

(CHEERING)

I'M ACTUALLY WRITING A MOVIE.

IT'S ABOUT TWO CABBYS.

THEY HAVE A HEAD-ON COLLISION

AND THE EXPLOSION KILLS THEM

BOTH.

THE MOVE IS CALLED

"WOULDN'T LIFE BE GOOD IF THIS

HAPPENED EVER EIGHT SECONDS?"

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

HERE'S THE PROBLEM I HAVE.

LIKE, I LAUGH AT AWFUL THINGS.

I'M A NICE PERSON.

I HAVE AN AWFUL SENSE OF HUMOR.

AND I THINK THAT EVERYBODY IS

GUILTY OF THAT ONCE IN A WHILE.

LIKE, JUST LAUGHING AT

SOMETHING.

WHEN YOU'RE DONE YOU'RE LIKE,

"OH, GOD.

I NEED A SHOWER.

I MEAN, THAT WAS DISGUSTING."

ME AND MY BUDDY WERE IN

HOUSTON INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT.

WAITING GO GET ON A PLAN

WE SEE A VERY OLD LADY IN A

WHEEL CHAIR.

WHICH IS NOT A FUNNY THING.

SHE HAS NO LEGS.

WHICH IS KIND OF FUNNY.

(LAUGHTER)

AND I KNOW I CAN'T LOOK AT

MY FRIEND.

YOU EVER FEEL SOMEBODY NEXT

TO YOU SHAKING WITH LAUGHTER...

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

AND YOU KNOW IF YOU LOOK

YOU'RE A DEAD MAN?

BUT YOU HAVE TO LOOK.

IT'S LIKE A CAR ACCIDENT

OR A SADAMY VIDEO.

I MEAN, YOU JUST HAVE TO...

I LOOK AT MY FRIEND.

HE IS SHAKING A LAUGHING SO HARD

HE HAS DROOL COMING OUT

OF THE SIDE OF HIS MOUTH.

AND I'M LIKE, "OH, GOD.

PLEASE DON'T LET ME LAUGH.

PLEASE DON'T LET ME LAUGH."

I MEAN, HE HITS ME.

"DO YOU THINK SHE'S FLYING

STAND-BY?"

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)