John Oliver's New York Stand-Up Show
Season 4

Phil Hanley, Brooke Van Poppelen, Gary Gulman

  • Season 4, Ep 5
  • 08/23/2013

Phil Hanley acknowledges that he does not have manly legs, Brooke Van Poppelen enjoys herbal laxative tea, and Gary Gulman has a showdown at Trader Joe's.

these billions of dollarson our elections,

and we are,

that cow has flown the coop.

If that's goingto keep happening,

then we deservemore entertainment back

for our money.

Those presidential debateslast time

were unbelievably boring.

And that's not okay,

considering how muchthey cost.

So I've actually come upwith a list

of potentialnew debate rules

that I think might justliven things up a little bit

in the election of 2016.

See what you think.

Rule number 1:

every time a candidate says"the American people,"

the other candidatehas to take a shot.

It might loosen them up a bit.

You really get to tellwhat someone's like

when they're completely[BLEEP] wasted.

Just leaning on the podium.

"I don't want to ask anyquestions about Afghanistan.

"Stop asking meabout Afghanistan.

"It's boring.

I-- I just wantto be president."

Rule number two:

there will be a three-minutehot-dog-eating round.

The winner gets an extrafive minutes to talk.

I think we all know,deep down,

there is only onescientific way to prove

who is the mostAmerican candidate,

and that is through masshot dog consumption.

How much do you wantto be president?

Do you want it enoughthat you're willing to dip

your hot dog in water

and shove it into your facechestnut-style?

Because if not,

are you the kind of presidentthat America needs right now?

Rule number three:

if a candidate says"Ronald Reagan" 10 times

during a single debate,

they should geta free sandwich.

Because it's not easyto get into double figures

without startingto sound sarcastic.

And finally,halfway through the debate,

a live chicken shouldbe released onto the stage.

The candidate who catchesthat chicken

wins Virginia.

Those are just ideas.

Those are justgood ideas.

is that, uh,people are meeting me

and immediately assumingthat I'm a vegetarian.

Which is a creative wayof saying,

"Hey, you look paleand weak."

Uh, my theory is, uh--

Is that it's because, uh,I don't have, uh,

very manly legs.

Don't-- Don't argue with me.

Um...

At best, uh,I would describe them

as unisex.

So I never wear shorts.

And people say, "Oh, you shouldwear long shorts."

But what they're reallysaying is,

Hey, you know what's moremasculine than your legs?

Capris.

Uh, one time I had a woman,uh, hit on me about my legs.

This part's true.

Uh, she did.

She told me that she wouldkill for them.

Homicide.

I got all cocky.I was like,

"What would you dofor this upper body?"

She said, "Push-ups."

like, commercials arethese days

towards women.

Like, an ad for face washand other beauty products.

Like, I rememberwhen I was a teen

they were, like,really fun and spunky.

Like an ad for face wash.Like, "Yo, girl,

"Just scrub your facewith bubble gum and glitter.

So pretty and young."

You're so hopeful.

But now that I'm 34,

like, the tone of every adtargeted at me is just, like,

the one lady with the voicethat's like,

"Let a team of scientistsfix your face.

Hurry."

There's a product I love,that maybe you guys use it.

It doesn't actually havemuch of an ad campaign.

It's a fun little herballaxative tea

called Smooth Move.

Yeah, right?

It's like, all right,Smooth Move.

Like, the nameis not literal

so much as it is horriblysarcastic.

Never drank that stuff.Holy moly.

Like, they needa commercial

so I wrote one for themthat goes like this:

Well, good morning.

You forgot you tooka laxative tea last night,

rolled out of bedand climbed straight onto

a rush hour morning bus.

Smooth move, [BLEEP].

Aw, New York.I love you.

This is great.I, uh--

I actually just spentsome time in L.A. on the beach.

And it's intimidatingbeing around, like,

all those tiny bathing suitsand hard bodies.

Like, it made me reallyhomesick

for New York Citypublic beaches.

Like, for real.

Like, I was at Coney Islandone time,

and I saw a fatRussian guy

just walk straightinto the ocean

wearing a velour tracksuit.

That guy got it,you know?

He was, like, neck-deepin the ocean

with, like,a sandwich in one hand

and a cigar in the other.

He was like, "It's friggin'beautiful in here."

It's like, these are my peopleand my beaches.

I can't stand all thesesalad restaurants

popping upall over the place.

Like, they've gotstupid names,

like You Chop It.

It's like,"Toss your own salad."

And they're awful,

because they trick youinto thinking

that, like,making your own salad

is, like, fast,fun and easy.

And you walk in

believing you knowwhat tastes good on a salad.

But then you get in line

and you [BLEEP]forget everything.

Everything.It's so intimidating.

You start sweating.

You get up to, like,the counter,

and there's just likethis small Latino dude

with, like, a metal bowland tongs,

just mad-dogging you.

Like some sort of undefeatedsalad warrior.

You're going down.

It's crazy. And you have to picksix ingredients.

Like, I always start outreally confident.

I'm like, "Romaine."

Then it gets in my head,second ingredient.

I'm like, "Apples?"

I don't know.Then I just lose my mind

with the third ingredient.

I'm like, "Candy corn."

Then I black out...

and I wake upat the register

with a $19 dome of [BLEEP]that I have to eat.

I go, take it in the cornerwith the other panicked people

who are, like, shamefully eatingtheir salads.

I open it up.I'm like, Oh, good.

For my last three ingredientsI chose mandarin oranges,

eggs and safety pins.

I wanna tell you astory of my meltdown

at Trader Joe's.

I love that place.I love Trader Joe's.

They are so thoughtful there.They're nice.

Everybody doeseverybody else's job,

from the top to the bottom.

It's, uh, no doubtcommunist.

Now, the people who shopat Trader Joe's,

at least in New York City,they're godless animals.

They are.

They are pushy.

[LAUGHS]

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]

They put their cartsin the checkout line half full,

and then continueto pick up items

and bring it back

so that there's like this emptyfield of carts.

And I dothe right thing.

And I'm standing there.

And last week a womandisappeared for so long

that a gap developedbetween her cart

and the rest of the line.

And so I filled it and preparedmyself for a showdown.

Because I knew,just by the time of day

and the neighborhoodwhat was going to come back.

I just knew.It was during the day,

so she was wealthy,entitled, aggressive, pushy.

I even predicted the first twowords of her sentence

when she returned.

Because she came back,armful of frozen foods,

meaning she went downstairsto frozen foods.

A ten-minute round trip.The audacity,

nay, the temerity.

She puts them intothe carriage and she's--

And I knew the firsttwo words.

She says, "Yeah, no.

I was ahead of you."

And so I said,"No, yeah."

Flipped it.

You were ahead of me,

until you went shopping.

You can't go downstairsto frozen foods,

come back with an armfuland take your spot in line.

The best I can offer youat this point is back cutsies,

and that's incrediblygenerous.

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