Tuesday, May 17, 2016

  • 05/17/2016

Paul Goebel, Greg Behrendt and Maria Bamford learn about a politician's porn habits, come up with Kim Kardashian-inspired spy movies, and list #OneLetterOffFoods.

Mike Webb is runningfor congress

in Virginia's eighth district.

He recently posted a screenshot

of his desktopto his Facebook page.

Oh, look,he's got a lot of tabs open.

Clearly, he's a busy guy.

Quick poll-- anyone not know where this is going?

Uh, Jack,activate thermal porn scan.

-Beep.-(alarm sounding)

-Oh, no.-FEMALE VOICE: Porn detected.

-Oh, no!-Porn detected. Porn detected.

-(Hardwick whimpering)-Porn detected.

-Porn detected.-(yelling)

(applause and cheering)

We have porn tabs!

So...

in addition to a Yahoo searchand his AT&T bill right here,

Mr. Webb was alsovery interested in,

"Layla Rivera Tight Booty"and "Ivone Sexy Amateur."

So he's into fitness andentrepreneurs. That's fantastic.

-(applause and cheering)-Now...

He's a politician.

Naturally,he had a great explanation

for the screen grab faux pas.

He was just testing for viruses!

(laughter)

Is what he was doing.

He had the porn sites openso he could scan for viruses!

(laughter, whooping,clapping)

Maybe he was jerking itto his AT&T bill. I don't know.

"Oh, overages, yeah.Roll-over minutes."

-I don't know.-(laughter)

I personally would ra...

I'm, like, why...? Why in thisday and age do we feel like

we need to hide thisfrom people? Like, why...?

You know what? Why doesn'the just come out and go,

"Yeah, I was cranking itto porn, you know?

"I want to doa little genetic re...

"I want to do a littlegenetic redistricting.

What's the problem?"

-(applause) -Do you think anyonewould fault him for that?

No one would fault him for that.

I mean,these are not insane categories.

It's not crazy.So I don't understand...

Look, any candidatewho embraces his love

of the pornographic artswould thrive

in today's political landscape.

They'd be like, "Wow.What a breath of fresh air,"

based on what's going onin the election.

Iran has accusedattempted Internet-breaker

Kim Kardashianof being a secret agent.

Officials saythat her provocative

Instagram photos promotea lifestyle at odds with Islam,

and the Iranian youthmight be tempted

by the decadent waysof the West family.

But just relax, Iran,

because Kim can infiltrateand destroy Kanye's reputation.

That doesn't mean she's gonnado that to your country.

-All right?-(laughter)

But let's assume they're right.

Comedians,what would be the name

of a spy movieabout Kim Kardashian?

Anyone can buzz in.

-Greg Behrendt.-Wow.

-I surprised myself.-(laughter)

Uh, From a Spew to a Kill. And...

-(laughter and groaning)-HARDWICK: Nice.

-Hang on. Hang on. Oh, yeah.-(applause and cheering)

There's a part two.It's a Ray James Bond movie.

-HARDWICK: All right,very well done. -(laughter)

-What?! What?!-Very well done. Very...

-Where'd that come from?-Points.

-Paul Goebel, Paul Goebel.-Um...

The Man From My Uncle's Poker Game

Who Used to Watch Me in the Shower.

-All right, points. Points.-(laughter, applause)

Maria Bamford.

The Woman Who Knew Too Little.

(laughter)

It's now timefor the #HashtagWars.

(cheering, applause)

Today was World Baking Day--

-calm down-- uh...-(laughter)

when masses of peoplelogged on to Pinterest saying,

"Hey, I can make this,"only end up making this instead.

-Uh...-(laughter)

But if the countless food failsposted online

have taught us anything,it's that cooking

is an exact science,where the tiniest change

can be the differencebetween delicious

and horrible dog food!

So let's throw cautionand E. coli to the wind

with tonight's hashtag#1LetterOffFoods.

-CHOIR: ♪ Ah... -Yeah! -Oh, adorable!

They're adorable!

-(applause)-Nightmare. Your nightmare.

Examples might be:Chicken singers,

or: Poop-Tarts or Pop-Farts.Either one works.

-Wow! -I'm gonna put 60 secondson the clock, and begin.

-Maria.-Asserole?

-Yeah, points.-(laughter)

(laughing)

-Go, Paul Goebel.-Chicken McFuggets!

-All right, points.-(cheering, applause)

-Greg.-Scream of Wheat.

All right, points.Maria Bamford.

-Kraft Shingles.-Points.

Paul Goebel.

-(bleep) cake.-(laughter)

It works. It works. It works.

-All right, Maria.-Betty Cocker.

-Yes, points.-(laughter)

-Greg Behrendt.-Chocolate MILF.

-All right, points.-Yeah! Yeah! -(cheering)

Yeah!

Maria Bamford.

-Uh, hole slaw.-Yeah, hole slaw! Perfect!

Greg.

Kung pu chicken.

-Good night.-Yeah, it's right there.

It's right there.It's right there.

-Kung pu!-Maria.

-Hot hogs?-(laughter)

Yeah. Yeah.

(Hardwick laughing)

I'm giving you pointsfor how apologetic your face was

when you said that.