October 14, 2014 - Neil Young

  • 10/14/2014

The Vatican promotes acceptance of gays, a Republican ad compares Governor Rick Scott to a wedding dress, and "Special Deluxe" author Neil Young performs a duet with Stephen.

(AUDIENCE CHANTING "STEPHEN")>> Stephen: WHOO!

WHOO!

NUMBER ONE!

(AUDIENCE CHANTING "STEPHEN")>> Stephen: WHOO!

WELCOME TO "THE REPORT,"EVERYBODY!

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR JOININGUS!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)FOLKS, IT IS FANTASTIC TO HAVE

YOU HERE!

IT IS SO EXCITING!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)YOU KNOW, NATION, I'M SURE YOU

CAN TELL FROM THE EXCITEMENT INTHIS ROOM WE ARE ENTERING THE

LAST FEW MONTHS OF MY SHOW, ANDI PLEDGE TO YOU THAT I WILL STAY

STRONG ON FAMILY VALUES TO THEBITTER END.

SINCE DAY ONE OF THIS PROGRAM,I'VE HAD AN UNSHAKEABLE STANCEON

GAY MARRIAGE.

IT IS A MORAL EVIL THATTHREATENS OUR SACRED

INSTITUTIONS, OUR FAMILIES ANDLIVES UNTIL IT BECAME POPULAR

AND THEN, SINCE THEN, WHO KNOWS.

YOU KNOW, TO EACH HIS OWN.

YOU KNOW, NONE OF MY BUSINESS.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)I MIGHT EVEN OFFICIATE AT A

WEDDING SOME DAY, WHO KNOWS?

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)AND EVERY DAY, THERE'S ANOTHER

REASON FOR ME TO NOT GIVE A WHATEVS

>>IT'S A BIG WEEK FOR GAY RIGHTSAND COUPLE ACROSS THE COUNTRY

HAVE BEEN TYING THE KNOT AFTERA SERIES OF COURT RULINGS AT

BOTH THE NATIONAL AND LOCALLEVEL

MADE SAME-SEX MARRIAGELEGAL IN A MAJORITY OF STATES.

>> SAME-SEX MARRIAGE MAY SOON BELEGAL IN 35 STATES.

>> SUPPORTERS OF SAME-SEXMARRIAGE SUPPORTING ANOTHER

LEGAL VICTORY THIS MORNING.

A FEDERAL JUDGE STRIKING DOWNALASKA'S BAN ON GAY MARRIAGE.

>> Stephen: YEAH, GAY MARRIAGEIS LEGAL IN ALASKA.

NOW GAY COUPLES WILL HAVE THERIGHT TO CELEBRATE THE

TRADITIONAL ALASKAN WAY BYHAVING BRISTOL PALIN COLD-COCK

ONE OF THEIR GUESTS.

(LAUGHTER)AS MUCH AS I LOVE AMERICA, AS A

PERSON OF FAITH, ALL THAT REALLYMATTERS TO ME IS THE POSITION OF

THE CATHOLIC CHURCH AND THAT'SALWAYS BEEN, GUY ON GIRL, LIGHTS

ON, A LITTLE WEEPING, A LITTLEPRAYING, AND STRAIGHT TO SLEEP.

UNTIL NOW.

>> NEWS FROM THE VATICAN, WIDELYDESCRIBED AS SOMETHING OF AN

EARTHQUAKE FOR THE CATHOLICCHURCH.

>> A STUNNING SHIFT BY THEVATICAN ON APPROACH TO GAYS AND

LESBIANS.>> BISHOPS DRAFTED NEW LANGUAGE

ON THE CHURCH'S ATTITUDE TOWARDHOMOSEXUALITY

>> THE VATICAN URGED PASTORS TOBE MORE WELCOMING TO GAYS

>> Stephen: OH MY GOD INTHREE PERSONS! THE VATICAN IS

WELCOMING THE GAYS IN? NEXTTHING YOU KNOW THE PLACE WILL BE

FILLED WITH ANTIQUES! JUSTLISTEN TO THE IMMORAL, DEPRAVED

SUPPORT THE VATICAN OFFERSIN THIS DOCUMENT: "HOMOSEXUALS

HAVE GIFTS AND QUALITIES TOOFFER THE CHRISTIAN COMMUNITY."

OKAY, THEY HAVE GIFTS BUT IT'SMOSTLY KIMONOS AND I'M ALWAYS

FEELING LIKE I'M IN A BATHROBE.

THE DOCUMENT GOES ON TO ASK IF THE CHURCH IS CAPABLE OF

WELCOMING GAY PEOPLE ANDGUARANTEEING THEM FRATERNAL

SPACE IN OUR COMMUNITIES."FRATERNAL SPACE?

AREN'T OUR FRATS ALREADY GAYENOUGH?

LISTEN UP POPE FABULOUS I, THELORD IS PERFECTLY CLEAR ON THE

GAYS.

THE FIRST TIME HE SAW A NAKEDDUDE RUNNING AROUND, HE RIBBED

OUT HIS RIB AND FORCED HIM TOHAVE SEX WITH A WOMAN. AND HE

WAS PRETTY CLEAR WITH HER, TOO,NO FRUITY STUFF!

NATION, I'M SO EXCITED, THEMID-TERMS ARE ALMOST HERE.

IT'S JUST LIKE CHRISTMAS MORNINGWITH MORE TALK ABOUT JESUS.

WITH 21 DAYS LEFT BEFORE THEELECTION, THERE'S ONE VOTING

GROUP THE G.O.P. IS TRYING TOSTILL WOO, AND THAT'S WOO-MEN!

>> THE REPUBLICAN PARTY IS INWORSE SHAPE WITH WOMEN THAN IN

2010.

>> REPUBLICANS AND WOMEN, IT'SBEEN A MESSAGE PROBLEM.

>> THE REPUBLICAN PARTY HAS APROBLEM COMMUNICATING WITH

WOMEN.

>> STUDY ORDERED BY TWOREPUBLICAN GROUPS FOUND FEMALE

VOTERS FEEL THE PARTY IS STUCKIN THE PAST, SAID THE G.O.P. IS

INTOLERANT AND LACKS COMPASSION.

>> Stephen: OK THE G.O.P. HASPROBLEMS COMMUNICATING WITH

WOMEN BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN THEYDON'T CARE.

THEY'RE JUST LIKE THAT SHY KIDAT THE DANCE WHO WANTS TO GET

YOUR ATTENTION BY DENYING YOUEQUAL PAY.

IT MEANS HE LIKES YOU.

(LAUGHTER)FORTUNATELY, ONE G.O.P. GROUP

DEVELOPED A CAMPAIGN THAT'S SURETO WIN THE LADY VOTE, THE

COLLEGE REPUBLICAN NATIONALCOMMITTEE OR CRNC!

THEY CREATED AN AD FOR THEHEATED FLORIDA GOVERNOR'S RACE

BETWEEN DEMOCRAT CHALLEGER ANDPARBOILED AMERICAN CHARLIE CRIST

AND REPUBLICAN AND NAKED MOLERAT RICK SCOTT. THE AD ASKS

WOMEN TO MAKE NOVEMBER 4 THEMOST MAGICAL DAY OF THEIR LIVES.

>> THE BUDGET IS A BIG DEAL FORME NOW THAT I JUST

GRADUATED FROM COLLEGE.

>> THE RICK SCOTT IS PERFECT!

RICK SCOTT HAS BECOME THETRUSTED BRAND.

HE HAS NEW IDEAS THAT DON'TBREAK THE BUDGET.

>> THEY ARE IMITATING THEPOPULAR TLC SHOW "SAY YES TO THE

DRESS" TO APPEAL TO THE FEMALEVOTERS IN THE SAME WAY YOU

WOULD APPEAL TO VETERANS WITHCUPCAKE WARS.

IN THIS AD, EACH CANDIDATE ISMETAPHORICALLY REPRESENTED BY A

DIFFERENT WEDDING DRESS AND THEBRIDE LOOKS RADIANT IN THE RICK

SCOTT BUT MOM HAS OTHER IDEAS.

>> I LIKE THE CHARLIE CRIST.

IT'S EXPENSIVE AND A LITTLEOUTDATED, BUT I KNOW BEST.

>> DON'T FORGET, THE CHARLIECRIST COMES WITH ADDITIONAL

COST.

THERE'S OVER $2 BILLION INTAXES.

>> MOM, THIS IS MY DECISION.

I SEE A BETTER FUTURE WITH RICKSCOTT.

>> SOMETIMES IT'S HARD TO LET GOOF OLD STYLE BUT IT ALL WORKS

OUT IN THE END BECAUSE SHE SAIDYES TO RICK SCOTT!

(CHEERING)>> Stephen: THIS AD IS

I KNOW, IT'S TOUCHING, ISN'T IT?

AWWW!

PASSED WITH WITH ALL KIND OFCLASSIC CONSERVATIVE MARRIAGE.

TRADITIONAL MARRIAGE, FISCALCONSERVATISM AND HATING MOM.

I LOOK FORWARD TO THE NEXTG.O.P. ADS TELLING BASEBALL AND

APPLE PIE TO GO (BLEEP)THEMSELVES.

THIS AD --(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

THIS AD -- THIS AD SHOWS THATTHE MODERN G.O.P. FINALLY

UNDERSTANDS THE REAL CONCERNS OFWOMEN -- WEDDINGS!

I MEAN, WHO NEEDS ACCESS TOCONTRACEPTION OR EQUAL PAY.

YOU'RE GETTING MARRIED.

LET HIM TAKE CARE OF THAT HARDSTUFF.

OF COURSE, THERE ARE A LOT OFRACES THIS IS YEAR SO THEY HAVE

CUSTOM FITNESS ADD FOR BLUSHINGVOTERS NATIONWIDE.

>> TOM CORBETT IS PERFECT.

THE RICK SNYDER IS PERFECT.

THE ASA HUTCHINSON IS PERFECT.THE BRUCE RAUNER IS PERFECT.

>> Stephen: IT'S A NICE DRESSBUT TRYING OUT THAT MANY

CANDIDATES DISQUALIFIES HER FROMWEARING WHITE (CHEERS)

>> Stephen: I'M SO INSPIREDBY THIS APPEAL TO THE LADIES

THAT I'VE CREATED MY OWN AD IBELIEVE ADDRESSES THE REAL

CONCERNS OF YOUNG, SINGLE WOMEN.JIM?

♪♪>> WOW!

YOU ARE LOOKING CONFIDENT ANDSELF-ASSURED.

>> I AM.

EVEN THOUGH RIGHT NOW IT'S "THATTIME."

>> MID TERM?

YEAH.

ME, TOO!

I DON'T HAVE YOUR CONFIDENCE.

WHAT'S YOUR SECRET?

>> WELL, I'M BEING PROTECTEDBY RICK SCOTT IN MY PRIVATE

SECTOR.

>> THAT EXPLAINS IT.

I'M STILL USING...

CHARLIE CRIST.

>> IT'S BEEN FOUR YEARS SINCE HEWAS GOVERNOR.

HE COULD NEVER GIVE YOU THATFRESH FEELING.

JUST LOOK AT THIS SIDE BY SIDECOMPARISON.

UNDER CHARLIE CRIST, TAXPAYERDOLLARS WILL BE LEAKING

EVERYWHERE.

BUT RICK SCOTT KEEPS YOUR TAXDOLLARS WHERE THEY BELONG, EVEN

ON HEAVY SPENDING DAYS.

>> BUT WHERE DOES SCOTT STAND ONEMPLOYERS PROVIDING COVERAGE FOR

CONTRACEPTIVES?>> LET'S JUST RIDE OUR BIKES.

>> RICK SCOTT, THE BESTCANDIDATE.

>> PERIOD!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> Stephen: AND, LADIES...

IF YOU'RE LOOKING FOR EVEN MOREFRESHNESS, DON'T WORRY.

THE G.O.P. ALSO HAS A FULL LINEOF DOUCHE BAGS.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK.

MY GUEST HAS BEEN INDUCTED INTOTHE ROCK AND ROLL HALL OF FAME

TWICE. ONE MORE AND HEGETS A FREE RINGO.

PLEASE WELCOME NEIL YOUNG!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

NEIL, GOOD TO SEE YOU AGAIN!THANKS FOR COMING BACK!

YOU LOOK FANTASTIC!

NEIL, THANKS FOR BEING BACK.

THANK YOU FOR DRESSING UP FORTHE OCCASION!

(CHEERING)THANK YOU FOR PUTTING ON YOUR

FORMAL T-SHIRT.

EARTH.

EARTH.

WE'RE STILL INTO THE EARTH, AREWE?

>> WE'RE STANDING ON IT.

>> I THOUGHT YOU WROTE THAT WEWERE GOING TO HAVE A

SILVER SPACESHIP THAT WOULDTAKE US SOMEPLACE ELSE.

IS THAT DEAL OVER NOW?

>> WE'RE TRYING TO STOP THAT.

>> Stephen: WELL, NEIL,EVERYBODY SHOULD KNOW WHO YOU

ARE.

YOUR CAREER SPANS OVER 40 YEARS.

YOU HAVE 38 ALBUMS, INDUCTIONINTO THE HALL OF FAME TWICE --

NO THREE TIMES?

>> MAYBE US

>> MAYBE US TOGETHER?

CLAPTON'S BEEN IN THREE TIMES.

OKAY.

(LAUGHTER)YOUR NEW BOOK IS CALLED SPECIAL

DELUXE, A MEMOIR OF LIFE ANDCARS.

>> RIGHT.

AND WALLPAPER.

>> Stephen: YES.

THESE ARE ALL WATER COLORS YOUDID OF -- HOW MANY CARS HAVE YOU

HAD IN YOUR LIFE?

>> MANY, MANY, MANY CARS.

>> Stephen: THESE ARE MANY,MANY CARS.

I WAS LOOKING FOR A MORESPECIFIC NUMBER FROM A GUY WHO

WROTE A GOD DAMN BOOK ABOUT IT.

>> THANKS TO PEOPLE, THANKS TOAMERICA!

THANKS TO AMERICA FOR BUILDINGTHESE GREAT CARS.

>> Stephen: THESE WOULD MAKEEXCELLENT PAJAMAS FOR AN

8-YEAR-OLD.

>> THEY WOULD!

>> Stephen: YOU'RE ONE OF THESESAVE THE EARTH GUYS, RIGHT?

YOU HAVE THE T-SHIRT.

>> YEAH.

>> Stephen: A LOT OF POLLUTIONWITH CARS.

>> THAT'S RIGHT.

>> Stephen: CAN'T HAVE IT BOTHWAYS.

HOW CAN YOU DRIVE A HOT RODLINCOLN IF YOU KNOW IT'S SPEWING

OUT ALL THE CARBONS. DID I JUSTCATCH YOU

BEING A HYPOCRITE?

>> YOU CAUGHT ME DRIVING A 1959LINCOLN FROM SAN FRANCISCO TO

THE TAR SANDS IN ALBERTA AND TONEW YORK CITY WITHOUT USING ONE

DROP OF GASOLINE.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> Stephen: BULL DOOKIE,

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

HOW CAN YOU DRIVE A HOT RODLINCOLN FROM SAN FRANCISCO TO

THE TAR SANDS?

>> IT'S BEAUTIFUL TILL YOU GETTHERE.

>> Stephen: YEAH?

THEN IT LOOKS LIKE A WARZONE, A DISASTER AREA.

>> Stephen: THAT'S WHY I NEVERGO TO CANADA, BEAUTIFUL TILL YOU

GET THERE.

>> I SPOKE TO A FEW REMAININGFISH UP THERE.

THEY SAID IT WAS NOT RIGHT UPTHERE.

>> Stephen: YOUR LINCOLNDOESN'T USE GAS?

>> NO, IT USES ELECTRICITY ANDCELLULOSIC ETHANOL.

>> Stephen: SO YOU CUT THE BALLSOF A LINCOLN

AS A MATTER OF FACT, IT'S FASTERTHAN IT USED TO BE.

IT PERFORMS BETTER.

IT'S CLEANER.

I HATE TO SAY THE WORD "GREEN,"BUT IT IS GREEN.

NO, IT'S NOT GREEN.

IT'S WHITE.

I LIKE WHITE, NOT GREEN CARS.

>> Stephen: WHY ARE CARS SOIMPORTANT TO YOU?

>> WELL, THEY REPRESENT THECULTURE.

THEY REPRESENT OUR CULTURE ANDOUR LOT -- YOU KNOW, LIKE

AMERICAN HISTORY.

LOOK AT THESE THINGS, THE WAYPEOPLE FELT, EXCEPT FOR THE

ENGLISH CAR, THE THIRD ONE UP.

THE LAST TIME YOU WERE HERE, YOUTRIED TO GET ME TO SING A SONG

ABOUT IMPEACHING THE PRESIDENTWHO, AT THE TIME, WAS GEORGE W.

BUSH AND YOU WANTED TO IMPEACHHIM OVER GETTING US INTO THE WAR

IN IRAQ.

NOW THAT OBAMA IS GETTING USINTO A WAR IN IRAQ, ARE YOU UP

FOR IMPEACHING HIM, TOO?

>> Stephen: NO, NO.

NO?

>> Stephen: NO?

NO.

>> Stephen: THEN YOU'RE ADOUBLE HYPOCRITE?

DON'T CARE THIS TIME?

>> I THINK WE SHOULD IMPEACH HIMFOR FRACKING.

>> Stephen: REALLY?

BECAUSE IT'S NOT IN THE INTERESTOF THE AMERICAN PEOPLE.

>> Stephen: ARE YOU ANAMERICAN?

ARE YOU A CANADIAN OR AMERICAN?

>> I AM PART OF THE FREE WORLD.

>> Stephen: ARE YOU A CANADIANOR AMERICAN?

>> I'M A CANADIAN.>> Stephen: THERE'S THE DOOR.

>> NO, NO, I'M A CANADIAN.

I DON'T HAVE TO GO.

I STAY!

I TRAVEL THE FREE WORLD.

>> ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

I LOVE THE WORLD!

I LOVE IT!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> Stephen: YOU'VE GOT ANOTHER

THING YOU'RE PUSHING HERE,IT'S THE PONO MUSIC PLAYER.

WHY IS THIS BETTER THAN AN iPod

OTHER THAN NOT COMING PRE-LOADEDWITH THE U2 ALBUM.

>> THIS BUTTON GETS THE U2ALBUM OFF OF IT AND CAME ON THE

PLAYER.

>> Stephen: WHAT'S THEIMPROVEMENT OF THE PONO?

WHAT'S BETTER ABOUT THE MUSIC?

>> THIS MUSIC IS 100% OF THESOUND, AND THE iPod, COMPARED

TO THE BEST THIS CAN DO, IS 5%OF THE SOUND.

IT'S A GREAT BARGAIN. iPOD IS AGREAT BARGAIN.

>> Stephen: iPOD IS AGREAT BARGAIN.

>> YES, IT IS, BECAUSE YOU GETTO HAVE A MILLION OF SONGS BUT

YOU JUST GET A TINY BIT OF EACHONE, BUT YOU CAN RECOGNIZE THEM.

>> Stephen: HOW MUCH IS THIS?

THIS IS $399.

>> Stephen: SO NOT ONLY DOESIT LOOK LIKE A TOBLERONE, IT

COSTS AS MUCH AS A TOBLERONE INA HOTEL ROOM.

>> IT COSTS MORE THAN ATOBLERONE IN A HOTEL ROOM

>> Stephen: YOU'VE GOTTA STAY ATBETTER HOTELS

(LAUGHTER)>> BUT YOU DON'T HAVE TO LISTEN.

YOU FEEL THE MUSIC.

>> Stephen: REALLY?

WHERE DO YOU PUT IT, NEIL?

>> THAT'S UP TO YOU, STEPHEN.

LOOK AT THAT GUY.

LOOK AT THOSE GUYS.

>> Stephen: LOOK AT THOSEGUYS.

>> YEAH, LOOK AT ALL THOSEAWARDS.

OH, YEAH!

>> Stephen: YOU KNOW WHERE TOPUT IT.

>> THERE YOU GO. ON YOUR MANTEL!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> ALL RIGHT!

>> Stephen: NEIL, NEIL, WILLYOU DO A SONG WITH US?

(CHEERING)

THE BOOK IS "SPECIAL DELUXE"

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH APERFORMANCE BY NEIL YOUNG!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)♪♪

>> Stephen: THAT'S IT FOR THESHOW, EVERYBODY!

NEIL YOUNG, "SPECIAL DELUXE"

GOOD NIGHT!