Liz's Wedding/Please God

  • Season 1, Ep 8
  • 03/06/2013

Bobby Bottleservice plans Liz's wedding, and Ref Jeff runs a bounce house business.

OH, YOU'RE GONNA ASK ME,"HEY, BOBBY BOTTLESERVICE,

HOW CAN YOU DO THISALL ON YOUR OWN?"

[bleep]ING CHILL OUT,

AND LET ME ANSWER THE QUESTIONBEFORE YOU ASSAULT ME LIKE THAT.

I'M NOT GONNA DO ITBY MYSELF, ALL RIGHT?

'CAUSE I'VE GOT MY BEST FRIENDIN THE WORLD,

PETER PAPARAZZO, HERE...- [chortles]

TO HANDLEALL THE PHOTOGRAPHY.

- BRIDAL PARTY,BRIDE AND GROOM,

ASIAN, ANAL, UPSKIRT.

- I'M GONNA PUT TOGETHERTHE MOST AMAZING WEDDING

YOU'D EVER IMAGINEIN YOUR LIFE,

WHICH IS HOW I IMAGINEMY MARRIAGE TO BE,

TO THE ONLY WOMANI'VE EVER LOVED--

[voice breaks]MY MOTHER.

WELCOMETO THE BOBBY BOTTLESERVICE

FULL-SERVICE WEDDING SERVICECOMMERCIAL.

[camera shutter clicks]

- WELCOME TO THE WEDDING.

- THAT TOO.- BRIDE. BRIDE!

GIVE ME YOUR EYES!GIVE ME YOUR EYES!

- SO DO YOU, TIM,

TAKE AMYTO HAVE AND TO HOLD?

EVEN THOUGH, GENETICALLY,

YOU KNOW WHAT'S GONNA HAPPENTO HER, WITH HER MOTHER?

- I DO, I DO.- YOU DO?

NICE, LET'S DO THIS.

- LET'S DO THIS.- LET'S DO IT.

- LET'S DO THIS.- LET'S DO THIS.

- BY THE POWEROF THIS VEST ON ME--

SHOTS.

[booming dance music]

YO, WE'RE HAVINGA GREAT TIME HERE

AT THE BOBBY BOTTLESERVICE

FULL-SERVICE WEDDING SERVICECOMMERCIAL!

YOU GOTTA HIRE METO HANDLE YOUR WEDDING.

IT'S LIKE, BOBBY'S GONNA BETHERE TO [bleep]ING BRING IT,

WHETHER OR NOT,WE'RE COMING THROUGH!

YO, I LOVE THIS PLA--I LOVE THIS PARTY.

I LOVE TO DO THISFOR MORE THAN ANYTHING.

- YOU KNOW WHAT?EVERYONE HAD A FUN TIME,

SO I'M HAPPY.I'D RECOMMEND HIM TO ANYONE.

- OKAY, I SAY VERY MUCHWITH PROFESSIONALISM,

CALL NOW, VIA TEXT MESSAGE,

AND I'LL GET BACK TO YOUWITH A VERY PROFESSIONAL THING.

ON THAT NOTE, VERY MUCHI WOULD SAY TO YOU BOTH,

MAZEL TOV.both: NOT JEWISH.

- THANK GOD,'CAUSE THEY KILLED--

YOU KNOW WHO THEY KILLED?

- WILL YOU MAKE ME THE HAPPIESTFOOTBALL PLAYER IN THE NFL?

- OH, MY GOD.NNAMDI ASOMUGHA,

ALL-PRO CORNERBACKFOR THE PHILADELPHIA EAGLES,

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I'M SO HAPPY.

[Mendelssohn's Wedding March]

- I'M LIZ.

- AND I'M LIZ.

- OUR PR FIRMIS CALLED PUBLIZITY.

- IT'S BASED OFF OUR NAMES.

- AS WITH ALLMY EDIBLE ARRANGEMENTS,

IT IS EXTREMELY URGENT.

I NEED IT AT SONY BY 2:00.THAT'S DOS O'CLOCK.

THANK YOU, GRACIAS.

- ♪ FREE YOUR BODY

YEAH, WHAT'S UP, LIZ?- HEY, LIZ.

- [slurps][ding]

- LIZ.

[soprano opera aria]

WHAT IS THAT?LIKE, FOR REAL?

- OH, WHAT?THIS ICED COFFEE?

OH, MY GOD, THIS.ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT THIS?

- [chokes]- OH, MY GOD,

THIS IS MY ENGAGEMENT RINGTO BE MARRIED.

- WHA?- WHA?

OBVI IT'S NOT A RACE,BUT IT IS A CONTEST.

AND, LIKE, I WON.

YOU PROBABLY KNOW WHO HE IS,'CAUSE HE'S, LIKE,

A VERY FAMOUSPROFESSIONAL ATHLETE.

HIS NAMEIS NNAMDI ASOMUGHA.

[Monday Night Football theme]

- UH, THIS DOES NOT PASSTHE SMELL TEST.

LIKE, IT STINKS.LIKE, IT'S FISHY. LIKE--

IS HE, LIKE, RICH,OR, LIKE, WHATEVER?

- THE KIND OF RICHWHERE, LIKE, I'LL NEVER HAVE

TO WORRY, EVER,ABOUT ANYTHING, EVER AGAIN.

- UH-HUH.WOW, LIKE, THAT'S AMAZING.

- YEAH, IT'S PRETTY EXCITING.- [clears throat harshly]

I'M JUST, LIKE,SO HAPPY FOR YOU,

BECAUSE YOU'RE, LIKE,[bleep] YEARS OLD

AND, LIKE, SOMEHOWTHIS HAS WORKED OUT.

- I'M JUST, LIKE,SO HAPPY FOR MYSELF

AND, LIKE,SO WORRIED FOR YOU

BECAUSE, LIKE, OBVIOUSLY,YOU'RE, LIKE, [bleep] YEARS OLD

AND, LIKE, YOU'VE OBVIOUSLY,LIKE, SPENT YOUR TIME

PARTYING AND STUFF LIKE THAT.- THANK YOU.

- AND IT'S STARTINGTO TAKE ITS TOLL

ON YOUR FACE AND YOUR BODY.

- WELL,I LOVE TO HAVE FUN.

- AND, LIKE, THE BOYFRIENDSTHAT YOU HAVE HAD...

- SURE.- WERE, LIKE, REALLY BAD FOR YOU

AND, LIKE, COME OVERAND [bleep] ON YOUR STOMACH.

- WELL, I LOVE TO HAVE FUN.- YEAH, NO, TOTALLY.

- TOTALLY.- ABSOLUTELY.

BUT, LIKE,WHATEVER WORKS FOR YOU,

LIKE, WORKS FOR YOU,AND THAT'S AMAZING.

[slurps]

- THANK YOU.- THANK YOU.

LATER, ON PUBLIZITY...

- WE HAVE A PROBLEM.

ALL OF NNAMDI'S FRIENDSARE COMPLAINING

THAT THE CHAIRSARE TOO SMALL.

[lion roars]

all:HI.

- HEY.- HI!

- HELLO?

OH, HI.ARE YOU WITH THE BOUNCE HOUSE?

- OH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH,I'M JEFF.

- OH, YOU ARE? OKAY.WE HAVE A FRONT DOOR.

- OH, SURE.

- SO YOU'RE--I'M SORRY, YOU'RE JE--

YOU'RE NOT JOHNNY THEN?

- NO, NO.JOHNNY'S MY BROTHER.

HE KILLED HIMSELF, SO--

- HONEY!- UM...

[clattering]I THINK YOUR FENCE IS BROKEN.

- YEAH, IT'S NOT.

OR IT WASN'T.BE CAREFUL.

I REALLY--I DON'T WANT A LAWSUIT.

HONEY! UM, THAT'S--

- ALL RIGHT, KIDS!ALL RIGHT, KIDS!

[children scream]- [laughs wildly]

NOT WE'RE HAVING FUN ALREADY.ALL RIGHT, OKAY.

SO IT'S BELLA'S BIRTHDAY,SO SHE'S RUNNING THE SHOW.

IT'S ME...AND THEN IT'S BELLA.

ALL RIGHT, THIS ISTHE MOST EXCITING PART. KIDS!

LOOK AT THIS.

- ALL RIGHT!- COME TO LIFE.

YOU LOOK AT THIS HOUSEGET FILLED WITH AIR

JUST LIKE I WATCHED THE AIRLEAVE MY BROTHER'S BODY

WHEN HE KILLED HIMSELFIN FRONT OF ME.

- YOU KNOW WHAT, JEFF?- WHAT'S THAT, MOM?

- WE'RE GONNA MAYBENOT VISIT THAT TOPIC ANYMORE.

- WHAT'S THE SNACK SITUATION?

- MAKING REAL HEAVYEYE CONTACT THERE, MAN.

- OH, YEAH.- ARE YOU GAY?

- OH, WHAT ARE YOU SAYING? NO.- IS THIS A--

- I'M NOT A--NO, NO.

TRUST ME, I HAD PLENTYOF OPPORTUNITIES IN PRISON

TO DO THAT,BUT I DIDN'T.

OKAY, ALL RIGHT.

HEY, BELLA!

GIVE UNCLE JEFFA PUSH IN THE TUSH.

IT'S UNCLE JEFF.

YOU GUYS ARE SITTING ONWHERE MY BROTHER PASSED.

THIS IS A VIDEO.

YOU KNOW, THEY JUST--KIDS LOVED HIM.

THEY WOULD JUST SWARM HIM.

YOU KNOW, I DON'T HAVE THAT,UH, RELATIONSHIP WITH KIDS,

BUT YOU GUYS SEEM COOL.

WE SHOULDLOCK DOWN PLANS.

- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

- OH, JUST HANGING OUTWITH THE KIDS.

TELLING THEM STORIES.- OKAY.

KIDS, YOU WANNA, UM--

WHO HAS TO GO TO THE BATHROOM?- I DO.

- EVERYBODY, COME ON.HERE COMES THE CAKE.

IT'S BELLA'S BIRTHDAY.LET'S MAKE A WISH.

- WISH MY BROTHERHADN'T KILLED HIMSELF.

- HUH?- BUT, UH...

YOU KNOW, WHAT I ALSOWISH FOR IS A NEW FAMILY.

AND I FEEL LIKE I--[clears throat]

I FEEL LIKE I HAVE THATWITH YOU GUYS.

SO LET'S WISH FOR THAT.

- [under breath]OH, MY GOD.

[beep]both: OH, HELLO.

- OF COURSE,I'M GIL FAIZON.

- AND I'M GEORGE ST. GEEGLAND.

- AND THIS IS OUR PRANK SHOW, TOO MUCH TUNA.

- EACH WEEK WE PRANK A GUEST

BY GIVING THEMTOO MUCH TUNA FISH.

- TODAY OUR GUESTIS MY BEAUTIFUL STEPSON,

ELON FAIZON.

SO WHAT'S THE DEAL, ELON?YOU SEXUALLY ACTIVE?

- UM, YEAH, YEAH.[stammers] I'VE HAD SEX.

- LOOK, IF YOU EVER GET A GIRLIN TROUBLE, YOU KNOW,

AND YOU NEEDTO GET HER OUT OF TROUBLE,

WE KNOW A GUY.

- DR. WONG.- DR. WONG.

HE'S A BACK-ALLEY GUY.

THE BUZZER SAYS"PARTY PLANNERS U.S.A.,"

BUT IT'S A FRONTFOR AN ABORTION CLINIC.

- HE'S PRETTY THOROUGH THOUGH.- HE'S PRETTY THOROUGH.

YOU MUST BE HUNGRY.

HERE IT COMES.

- LOOK AT THIS BIG MOUNTAINOF TUNA FISH.

- YEAH,THAT'S A LOT OF TUNA.

- WHAT'S THE MEANINGOF THIS?

- THIS IS PROBABLYTOO MUCH TUNA.

- I'M A LITTLE CONFUSED,ACTUALLY.

- TOO MUCH TUNA.POW.

- NO, NO, I GET THAT.IT'S A LOT OF TUNA.

IT'S JUST--

- THAT PLATE WAS DELIVERED WITHENTIRELY TOO MUCH TUNA FISH.

- YOU ASKED ME TO COME UPTOWNTO EAT LUNCH WITH YOU.

- THIS IS LIKE THATASHRAM KITCHEN SHOW, PUNK'D.

- OR WILMA VAMERRAMI'S BLOW MOMMA.

- YEAH?

- THAT'S IT.- DON'T, DON'T, DON'T--

- NO, IT'S SETTO THE LIGHTING.

IT'S SET TO THE LIGHTING.- I SEE THAT THERE'S LIGHTS.

THERE'S CAMERAS.

- NO, I POINT OUTTHE CAMERA.

THERE'S A CAMERA THERE.- LET ME DO THIS ONE.

AND THEN THERE'S A CAMERA HERE.- THERE'S A CREW.

CAN YOU GET THE CREW?THERE'S A CREW OF PEOPLE

THAT WALKED INTO THIS ROOM.

- THESE ARE PEOPLEAT THE RESTAURANT.

YOU DON'T KNOW YETTHAT IT'S A PRANK.

DOES HE KNOW?

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PRANK,YOU LITTLE [bleep]?

- ♪ I'LL TREAT YOU RIGHT

- I WASN'T SURE IF LIZ WAS GONNACOME THROUGH WITH A SPONSOR,

SO I SOLD SOME SPACEON MY DRESS.

DID YOU KNOW I CUT A DEALWITH SAN DIEGO DIET

BEFORE THE WEDDING?- OH, MY GOD.

YOU'RE, LIKE, A GENIUS.

- WELL, I MIGHT HAVE STARTEDAT BINGHAMTON,

BUT I FINISHED AT SYRACUSE.[slurps]

- ♪ YOU'LL ALWAYS BEMY BEST FRIEND ♪

- IT'S LIKE I'VE BEEN JUGGLINGSO MANY BALLS.

BUT, LIKE,TODAY IS MY DAY, OKAY?

- OKAY.- GREAT.

- BUT, LIZ...- WHAT?

- PROMISE ME ONE.- TOTALLY.

- THAT THAT IS THE LAST BITOF WORK THAT YOU WILL DO TODAY.

- OKAY, FINE.

- LIZ.- WHAT?

- I GOT SOMETHING FOR YOU.CASSANDRA!

LIZ?- YEAH?

- SOMETHING OLD...- OKAY.

- SOMETHING NEW.- OKAY.

- LITTLE GLOVES.SOMETHING BORROWED...

- UH-HUH.- AND SOMETHING BLUE.

- OH, MY GOD, LOOKIT,THOSE ARE NAUGHTY.

- HOLD ON.- WHAT?

- [whispers]THEY'RE ALL UNDER ARMOUR.

[romantic music swells]

- YOU DID GET A SPONSOR?

[fairy-like tinkling]

I LOVE YOU. LIZ.- [squeaking] I LOVE YOU A LOT.

- EVERYTHING LOOKS AMAZING.- THANK YOU.

- I DIDN'T THINKI COULD EVEN...

- LIKE, YOU LOOK AMAZING!

- AND IT'S, LIKE,I COULDN'T EVEN IMAGINE-- [sobs]

- I COULDN'T EVEN IMAGINEIF SOMEONE WAS, LIKE--

[music stops suddenly]- LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

WELCOME TO THE LIVE STREAMING PUBLIZITY WEDDING.

LIZ AND NNAMDI HAVE ACTUALLYWRITTEN THEIR OWN VOWS,

WHICH IS FUN.

SO, LIZ,IF YOU WANT TO GO FIRST.

- THANK YOU.

DEAR NNAMDI,

YOU WERE THE ONE FOR MEFROM THE VERY START.

I KNEW THAT FROM THE DEPTHSOF MY VERY DEPTH-FUL HEART.

[slurp]WHETHER IT WAS WHEN I MET YOU

AFTER STALKING YOUAFTER A GAME,

THINGS WITH--ARE NEVER LAME WITH YOU.

[sighs]- MM.

- THAT WAS BEAUTIFUL.- THANK YOU.

- NNAMDI, GO AHEAD.- LIZ...

I'M SO EXCITED TO BE GETTINGMARRIED TO YOU TODAY.

- THANK YOU.

- YOU SEEM LIKE A REALLY,REALLY COOL CHICK.

AND I JUST WANT EVERYONE HERETO KNOW...

THAT YOU JUST GOT NNAMDI'D![applause, laughter]

- WHAT?

- THERE'S A CAMERA HERE,CAMERA THERE, CAMERA HERE.

YOU JUST GOT NNAMDI'D.- WHAT?

- ARE YOU SAYING"WHAT" OR "WHY"?

- WHAT?- IT DOESN'T MATTER, LOOK.

THAT "WHAT" IS,THIS IS MY PRANK SHOW.

AND THE "WHY" IS,BECAUSE YOU'RE A BEAST.

- I DON'T KNOWWHAT JUST HAPPENED.

- GOOD JOB.YOU'RE PAYING FOR IT.

- WAIT.

- [laughs]

- ♪ THE BEST ISYET TO COME ♪

- LIZ, DID YOU KNOW ABOUT THIS?OR, LIKE, WHAT?

- NO, BUT NOW I KNOW ABOUT ITBECAUSE THE PRANK JUST HAPPENED.

- [sobbing] BUT, LIKE,THIS IS NOT EXACTLY

HOW I PICTUREDMY [stifled] WEDDING TO BE.

DO I JUST, LIKE,WALK RIGHT NOW?

- YEAH, GO BACK THERE.- JUST GO, LIKE--

YOU SHOULD PROBABLY,LIKE, HEAD OUT.

- DO I JUST, LIKE,WALK LIKE THIS, OR DO I--

- LIZ, I'M SO SORRY.

- ABOUT WHAT?

- THAT, LIKE,YOUR WEDDING WAS RUINED,

AND YOU WERE PRANKED IN FRONTOF, LIKE, NATIONAL TELEVISION.

LIKE, IT'S GOOD KARMATHAT YOU LET HIM BE SUCCESSFUL

AT SOMETHING,EVEN IF THAT WAS, LIKE,

TO COMPLETELY PRANK YOUAND, LIKE, FOOL YOU

AND, LIKE,CALL YOU A BEAST,

AND, LIKE,SAY THAT IT WAS HILARIOUS,

LIKE, MAKE YOU WEAR THAT HAT.- YEAH.

- WHEN PUSH COMES DOWN TO IT,

LIKE, I'LL ALWAYS BE HEREFOR YOU

BECAUSE YOU'REMY BEST FRIEND.

- I'M JUSTSO HAPPY THAT,

IF I HAD TO GET PRANKEDON NATIONAL TELEVISION

BY A PROFESSIONALFOOTBALL PLAYER FOR HIS SHOW,

THAT YOU WERE BY MY SIDETHE WHOLE TIME.

- YEAH.- I'M NOT CRAZY, RIGHT?

- NO, YOU JUST GOT PRANKED.

- [slurps]

- [slurps]

- DO I HAVE ANYTHINGIN MY TEETH?

- ♪ YOU'LL ALWAYS BE

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